Cranberry Bogs

Hi, my name is Adam.

JOEY: We need to talk.

I just got broken up with…

JOEY: I think we should break up.

…On Pride Day.

I spent the night at Joey’s apartment, only to be woken up by him in a not-so-unpleasant way.

ME: Oh my…

But then—

JOEY: I think we should break up.

It was confusing.

ME: But…we just…you know…
JOEY: I know. I thought you’d appreciate that.
ME: I hate you.
JOEY: I’m sorry.
ME: Don’t leave me.
JOEY: It’s for the best.
ME: No, it’s really not.
JOEY: I wasn’t talking about it being the best for both of us.

Knock, Knock.

VOICE: Joey, you ready?

Wait…

ME: Who’s that?
JOEY: Um, that’s…Brian.
ME: Who’s Brian?

Brian decided to walk right in.

BRIAN: You ready? My friend Cranberry Bogs is performing at the festival in an hour.
JOEY: Drag queen?
BRIAN: From Phoenix.
ME: Excuse me! Is this actually happening?
JOEY: I’m sorry, Adam. I just can’t be tied down right now.

Then he looked at Brian.

JOEY: Unless I’m drunk or something. Hahaha…Sorry, Adam. It’s for the best.
ME: No, it’s really not.
JOEY: Again, in terms of me.

That’s how I knew it was going to be the worst Pride ever.

PAIGE: I’m done with him.

I went to see Paige so she could console me.

Buzz. Paige's phone went off.

ME: It’s him, isn’t it?
PAIGE: I’m telling him to leave me alone.
ME: You’re making a coffee date, aren’t you?
PAIGE: It’ll be harsher if I tell him off over coffee…and maybe a muffin.

This is my support system.

JEREMY: Paige, hurry up. We have to be at the tent by noon or we’ll miss Cranberry Bogs.
ME: You like Cranberry Bogs too?
JEREMY: She juggles Cher dolls. It sounds easy, but it’s a real art.
PAIGE: Jeremy, darling brother, do you think Billy will be at Pride?
JEREMY: I don’t know, Paige. Why don’t you call him and ask him?
PAIGE: Because I want you to call him.
JEREMY: Paige, he’s engaged.
ME: Do you—
JEREMY: Yes, I’m aware that rhymes.

Ever since Billy’s botched wedding, Paige has been trying to get him and Jeremy to reconcile.

PAIGE: He’s going to be leaving for Vegas next week to elope.
JEREMY: I’m not sure it’s eloping if everybody knows you’re doing it.
PAIGE: Forget semantics. You have to stop him!
JEREMY: It’s his life.
PAIGE: He’s your soulmate!
JEREMY: He slept with my brother!
JACKSON: Did I hear my name?

Jackson was still in a bathrobe. Something was telling me that we would be missing Cranberry Bogs and her Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves.

PAIGE: If it weren’t for you, our brother would be happy.
JACKSON: If it weren’t for you, I’d still be able to fit into my skinny jeans. Your snacks put five pounds on me.
PAIGE: Jackson, tell Jeremy that he belongs with Billy.
JACKSON: Jeremy, you belong with Davis.
PAIGE: What?!?
JACKSON: He does. They’re soulmates. Just like Mom and martinis.
JOAN: Did I hear my name?

This bathroom was getting really crowded.

PAIGE: Hello Non-Biological Mother.
JOAN: Paige, if you don’t want to treat me like your mother, then I suggest you stop ignoring me, because otherwise it’s the same old song and dance. Hello Adam, don’t you look red in the face. Were you out running?
ME: I was having my heart stomped on and eaten by wolves.
JOAN: Break-ups are supposed to make you weep, sweetheart, not sweat. How in the world are you going to attract a rebound looking like you just hopped off the treadmill?
PAIGE: Joan!
JEREMY: Mom, enough.
PAIGE: I mean, look at Jackson. He and Ben broke up and he’s not all—-
JEREMY: You and Ben broke up?
JOAN: Yes, and I think—
JACKSON: It just wasn’t working out.
JOAN: I think—-
JEREMY: But you seemed so—-
JOAN: Jeremy, I think you should date Ben.

Silence.

JOAN: Not because he’s your soulmate, but just because you both are the same size and you could swap sweaters. Think how much fun that would be in the winter! Okay, time to raid the cupboards for the cooking sherry.

It figures. Jeremy has three potential boyfriends and I have nobody. And he doesn’t even manscape properly.

Ding Dong.

JEREMY: It’s probably the boys.
JACKSON: It could be Davis.
ME: It could be a murderer. Tell him I’m in here waiting.
JOAN’s VOICE: Jeremy! It’s Billy!
PAIGE: Yay!
JEREMY: Shut up, Paige! And take that dumb t-shirt off.
PAIGE: But it says Team Billy!
JACKSON: I used my Team Davis shirt to wipe—-
JEREMY: STOP! Just stop! Thank you.

Jeremy walked out of the bathroom.

ME: We’re eavesdropping, aren’t we?
PAIGE: Are you kidding? We even have baby monitors.

Jackson, Paige, and I hid in the bathroom while Jeremy talked with Billy in the living room.

JEREMY: So how was the wedding?
BILLY: It was…nice. You know, until Davis threw up on me and it rained.
JEREMY: I wonder if the karma was the vomit or the precipitation.
BILLY: Look, I knew you wouldn’t be happy—-
JEREMY: That old E.S.P. kicking in again?
BILLY: Kurt is a nice guy, and you and I—-Jeremy, it just…never seems to work out. It’s like we’re on some sort of horrible, campy soap opera blog written by some bitchy gay guy.
JEREMY: I resent that.
BILLY: Why?
JEREMY: I don’t know. I just do.

Paige started to cry.

PAIGE: Why can’t they just make it work?
ME: Shut up, you dumb bitch. Your brother’s in crisis!
JACKSON: I’m telling you. He belongs with Davis.
ME, PAIGE: Ssshhh!

There was more talking, and then—-

BILLY: I’m not entirely sure I’m not in love with you anymore.

Whoa.

JEREMY: Thanks. That’s the vaguest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
BILLY: If you think this can happen, then…I’m willing to try again. I’ll tell Kurt-—
JEREMY: Tell Kurt to pack light for Vegas. It’s a honeymoon after all.
PAIGE: No!
BILLY: Jeremy—-
JEREMY: You have no idea who you are, Billy. You belong with someone like Kurt. Some bland guy who can adore you and never challenge you or your bullshit in any way whasoever. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life constantly changing who I am every time you figure out you’re someone else. Go get married. Go to Vegas. Go to Paris. I don’t care. Just pick a path, run down it, and see what happens. Who knows? Maybe I’ll see you at the end of it.

Then there was the sound of a door opening and—

JEREMY: By the way, I still love you too.

--Closing.

PAIGE: He's going to need snacks.
JACKSON: Bullshit. It's time to party.

The festival was a snoozefest, but at least it gave me enough time to get significantly drunk before it was time to hit the clubs.

RITCHIE: Did you see Nathan and the crazy cult kids protesting outside Slice? Davis is going to have a hell of a time getting them to clear out.
ELI: That Valerie Westgate girl is creepy.
BEN: I heard she ate the Chair of the Theater Department at RIC.
JACKSON: No, just one of the choreographers.
JEREMY: Same thing.

Jeremy and Jackson pulled me aside while Paige was at the Thespian/Lesbian tent.

JEREMY: Adam, did Paige tell you about her…situation?
ME: Yeah, yeah, she’s not your sister.
JACKSON: It’s more complicated than that.
JEREMY: She has a brother. A real brother.
ME: Wow. Does she know who it is?
JEREMY: Well, that’s the thing…it’s someone she knows.
JACKSON: It’s one of the boys in the group.
ME: Oh my God!
JEREMY: But she can’t know about that until we find out who it is.
JACKSON: Joan refuses to tell us, and we don’t want her breaking the news to Paige.
JEREMY: The last time she gave Paige bad news it was ‘Honey, there’s no Santa, now pass me that snifter.’
JACKSON: We’re only telling you because if she goes digging for something—-
ME: I’ll try to keep her distracted.
JEREMY: Thank you.

Jackson went to grab another drink, but Ritchie came over to talk to Jeremy.

RITCHIE: So Jeremy, I heard you've come into some money.
JEREMY: Ritchie, please--
ME: What are you guys talking about?
JEREMY: Carter's family won a settlement against Ritchie because of the club explosion.
RITCHIE: They won it against my insurance company, but I think I'm entitled to that money.
JEREMY: How do you figure?
RITCHIE: Because there was nothing wrong with my club. Somebody caused that explosion.
JEREMY: I know you think that Ritchie, but--
RITCHIE: Jeremy, that money could help me rebuild. I could open a brand new club.
ME: One that won't almost kill everyone?
RITCHIE: Zip it, Tiny.
JEREMY: I'm sorry, Ritchie, but Carter's family wants the money to go towards Youth Pride.
RITCHIE: But he left it to you. You're in charge of it--
JEREMY: And I'm going to do the right thing.

He walked away leaving Ritchie looking quite upset.

RITCHIE: He'll change his mind.
ME: I doubt it.
RITCHIE: After everything that's happened this year, you still underestimate me, Adam.

Nathan was walking up and down the sidewalk outside Slice with the Heterosexual Christian Liberation Group.

NATHAN: Down with sin! Down with vice!
HANK: See what happens when they date Ben?
BEN: Hey!
JACKSON: He dated me too, and it’s true what they say. Christians give really good—
JEREMY: Let’s go dance!

I hung back because I wanted a drink from the bar outside. That was when I overheard Nathan talking to that girl Valerie.

VALERIE: You know what you have to do, don’t you, Nathan?
NATHAN: Yes, Valerie.
VALERIE: You’re so tender. Like a crispy chicken nugget.
NATHAN: I’m allergic to those.
VALERIE: Awww, that’s the Devil talking.

All right, enough of that.

Inside, Slice was packed. I ended up dancing with Eli.

ME: So what are you plans for next year?
ELI: I’m moving to New York.
ME: Really? In the fall?
ELI: Try two weeks. I’m done with Providence—again.
ME: Maybe this time it’ll stick.
ELI: Do you want to come with me?
ME: Huh?
ELI: I got a two-bedroom apartment. I need a roommate.
ME: But I’m in school.
ELI: Adam, what is school going to teach you? You need life experience. New York is the best place for you.

Hmm…it’s not like I have that many reasons for sticking around here.

ME: Let me think about it.
ELI: Think all you want. That’s the last thing I’m going to be doing tonight.

Eli went off to find another dancing partner, and I went looking for Jeremy. I felt like going home, and he had my keys since I left my car in front of his apartment.

I didn’t find him, but I did find Ritchie talking to the backstabber.

JOEY: Look, I know what we have to do, okay?

They didn’t see me, so I hung back for a second.

RITCHIE: Just make sure you do it and take off.
JOEY: Why can’t you do it?
RITCHIE: Look, I’m not—

That was when someone shoved me and I fell right into Ritchie.

RITCHIE: Adam, what are you—

I had to create a distraction so they wouldn’t know I was eavesdropping.

So I slapped him.

RITCHIE: Ow!
ME: You son-of-a-bitch. Standing here with my ex-boyfriend!
JOEY: Adam, we were just talking. I’m here with Brian!
ME: And to think I missed Cranberry Bogs for you!

I got out of there before they could ask me what that means.

Jeremy ended up being in Davis’ office. I hung outside the door and waited for him to come out.

It sounded like they were arguing.

JEREMY: You need to lay low.
DAVIS: You need to stop worrying so much.
JEREMY: I still don't understand how you randomly decided to turn into an asshole these past few--
DAVIS: Jeremy, I have leukemia.

. . . . .

JEREMY: What?
DAVIS: It's aggressive too. I guess the diagnosis fits the patient.
JEREMY: Are you--
DAVIS: In treatment. Yup, but they still think I'm not going to have much time left unless I can find a bone marrow donor.
JEREMY: So all this was just you pushing people away?
DAVIS: Except you. I never pushed you away.

I poked my head through the office window. Davis was on one knee.

DAVIS: Will you marry me?
JEREMY: Davis, don't be insane.
DAVIS: I'm dying.
JEREMY: You're not dead yet.
DAVIS: I want to be with you for as long as I'm still here.
JEREMY: That may not be that much longer unless we get you out of here. There's this really bad feeling in the air. You should go.

Davis stood up.

DAVIS: Fine. I get it. You're still in love with Billy.
JEREMY: Davis, there are crazy religious people outside and everybody inside—
DAVIS: --Loves me! Now that the Wilde Blog says I’m King again.
JEREMY: Didn’t you read today’s post?
DAVIS: No.
JEREMY: There was a retraction.
DAVIS: What? They retracted their retraction?
JEREMY: And it said you have athlete’s foot.
DAVIS: I’m going to kill Ritchie.
JEREMY: Why?
DAVIS: Because Ritchie writes for the Wilde Blog!
JEREMY: What?!

WHAT?!

I had to find Paige and tell her that her colleague’s identity was revealed.

HANK: Where are you running off to, Mini-Gay?
ME: I just found out juicy gossip.
HANK: God, you’re such a queen.
ME: Does that mean you don’t want to hear it?
HANK: I said you were a queen. I didn’t say you’re not a good listener. Relay the information, Kitten. I’m all ears.
ME: Ritchie writes the Wilde Blog and Davis just proposed to Jeremy.
HANK: Are you kidding me?
ME: No.

Hank looked like he was about to cry.

ME: What's wrong?
HANK: Oh nothing. I'm just in love with Davis.

He walked away, but before I could follow him, Ritchie came flying into me.

We both landed on the floor, and when I stood up--

JEREMY: You pathetic--

There was Jeremy.

RITCHIE: Is this because of Carter's money?
JEREMY: This is because of the blog, Wilde.
RITCHIE: Oh boy.
JEREMY: You can forget the money--and our friendship. It's over, Ritchie.

Ritchie dusted himself off, and grabbed Jeremy's arm.

RITCHIE: If that's the case, then prepare for war.
VOICE: Hey!

Ben came pushing through the crowd.

BEN: Let him go.
RITCHIE: Fine by me.

Ritchie walked away, but Jeremy was still on a rampage.

JEREMY: I don't need you to save me, Ben.
BEN: I was looking for you anyway.
JEREMY: Are you going to propose too?
BEN: Huh?
JEREMY: Never mind.
BEN: I want to show you something.

He handed him a postcard.

JEREMY: What's this?
BEN: Your new theater.
JEREMY: My what?
BEN: Well, OUR new theater. It used to be a pizza place--my family owned it. Now it's mine--and yours.
JEREMY: Ben--
BEN: I want to show you I'm different. I want to show you that I can--

That’s when the lights went down, and the stage at Slice lit up.

JEREMY: Oh no.
BEN: What’s going on?
JEREMY: Davis is making himself a human target.
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: I've got to see if I can stop this.

He disappeared into the crowd.

A minute later, Davis took the stage to a chorus of “Boo”s.

DAVIS: I know you’ve all heard some rumors about me. I just want you to know that I know some rumors too. I know rumors about almost everybody in this room. So why don’t we all—
VOICE: HE’S GOT A GUN!

I heard a shot ring out, and somebody yelled—

VOICE: DAVIS!

Then, I saw a body fly in front of Davis as a bullet came piercing through the crowd.

People went running everywhere. I saw Paige out of the corner of my eye heading for the stage, and I went after her.

When I got there, I saw who’d been hit.

ME: Jeremy?

Davis was holding him, and there was blood everywhere.

DAVIS: Somebody call an ambulance!

Paige turned to me.

PAIGE: Adam, I need your phone.

Jackson came running up onstage.

JACKSON: Is he breathing?
DAVIS: I can’t feel a pulse.
VOICE: JEREMY!

There was Billy—standing in front of the stage.

BILLY: I came back.
DAVIS: Billy, get help!
BILLY: I came back—I couldn’t do it—
DAVIS: Will somebody do something?

I saw Ben rush up onstage, and kneel down in front of Jeremy. He started giving him CPR.

BEN: One…two…
DAVIS: You don’t know what you’re doing.
BEN: SHUT UP, DAVIS! WHOEVER SHOT HIM WAS AIMING FOR YOU!
DAVIS: How do you know that?
BEN: He took a bullet for you!
BILLY: Where’s the ambulance?
JACKSON: Jeremy, wake up. Come on, Jeremy—
PAIGE: Adam, your phone! I need your phone!
ME: I saw.

Everyone turned and looked at me.

ME: I saw who shot him.

To Be Continued…

Security

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: I'm begging you not to go to this.

I fear for Davis' life.

Jeremy and I went to Slice to try and convince him not to go to Pride.

Obviously, he wasn't thrilled with this idea.

DAVIS: I've been going to Pride since I was fifteen.
JEREMY: Davis, you might not make it to thirty if you go this year.
DAVIS: I had no intention of ever acknowledging thirty anyway.
ME: We're serious. A lot of people are angry with you right now.
JEREMY: Plus Nathan and the Crazy Christian Sexual Liberation Unit from RIC have been protesting Pride all week.
DAVIS: Good. I just love bad publicity.

He started to head down to the dance floor. Nowadays, as his security adviser, I don't even like him going into the club anymore.

It's just too risky.

ME: Davis, I'm putting my foot down. If I'm your security guy, then you have to let me do my job. You cannot go to Pride. I won't be able to keep a good enough eye on you.

Davis smiled, and put his hand on my arm.

DAVIS: Well, when you put it to me that way--you're fired.

And he walked away.

JEREMY: Hank, he doesn't know--
ME: You heard what he said, Jeremy.

He's on his own.

The Man Behind the Curtain

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

DAVIS: Hello Wilde.

Uh oh.

DAVIS: --Or should I call you Wilde Jr.?

I knew I was in trouble when I showed up at my apartment, and the door was wide open.

Davis must have found my spare key.

DAVIS: I didn't find your spare key.
ME: Okay, that's creepy.
DAVIS: Joey let me in.
ME: Since when are you two friends again?
DAVIS: I wouldn't say 'friends'--

He was standing in my room with my laptop open on my desk.

And there I was, logged into the Wilde Blog as an administrator.

DAVIS: So you've been the one promoting me as the Most Hated Guy in Providence.
ME: You haven't exactly been helping your case. Closing Prisms, ruining Billy's wedding--
DAVIS: Maybe next time he'll invite me.
ME: By the way, you owe me for the hospital bill. My eye was swollen for two days.
DAVIS: Was that why the blog didn't get updated?

Davis must not know that Paige was the other blogger. She said Jeremy and Jackson found her out, but she's been keeping my identity a secret so that she could still filter stories through me until she could figure out what to do about her brothers.

So I was going to have to deal with Davis on my own.

ME: All right, Davis, what do you want to keep your mouth shut?
DAVIS: A retraction.
ME: Are you kidding? You can't expect me to try and build you back up again after everything you've done.
DAVIS: Oh, but you will, Ritchie. If you don't, I expose you as the guy behind Wilde, and that spotlight will jump right off me and onto you.

This was a disaster.

ME: What do you want me to say?
DAVIS: Say whatever you want, just make sure it's said with a smile. Oh, and I want at least one negative story posted about you a week.
ME: You want me to post negative stories about MYSELF?
DAVIS: Let's hope your own medicine tastes better than other parts of you do. Ta ta, Kit Kat.

He walked past me and out of the apartment.

Well, it looks like I have to resurrect Davis' reputation.

Impossible.

...But you know...

People are always sympathetic to those who've suffered a great tragedy...

A Blushing Groom

Hi, my name is Billy.

RITCHIE: Are you ready to go?

I'm about to get married.

ME: I wish Carter could be here.
RITCHIE: I'm sure he's here in spirit.
HANK: And it's a Saturday. So his spirit is probably pre-gaming.

Kurt and I had taken advantage of the nice weather to have an outdoor commitment ceremony. Ritchie had agreed to walk me down the aisle.

Jeremy opted not to come--not a big surprise there.

ME: Guys, am I doing the right thing?
RITCHIE/HANK: Yes./No.
RITCHIE: Hank!

Hank grabbed me.

HANK: You still love Jeremy.
ME: I don't.
HANK: You do.
ME: I don't.
RITCHIE: He doesn't. Let it go, Hank.
HANK: Think about this.

Knock, knock.

Joey poked his head into the room.

JOEY: How's the blushing groom?
RITCHIE: He's ready to walk. Let's move.

Before I knew it, Ritchie was pushing me out the door, and down the aisle.

Kurt looked so handsome in his tuxedo.

The ceremony was going so well, until--

OFFICIAL: If anyone here objects to this man and this--
VOICE: RIGHT HERE!

Everyone turned around, and there was Davis.

Drunk and stumbling up the aisle.

KURT: You didn't invite him, did you?
ME: That would be a negative.

He was laughing and holding a half-empty bottle of vodka in his hand.

DAVIS: How come nobody told me that we were having a party?

Ritchie stood up and tried to say something to him, but Davis clocked him across the face. There was a gasp from the crowd.

DAVIS: This man--

He pointed at me.

DAVIS: Does not love this man.

He point at Kurt.

DAVIS: And letting them get married would be a disgrace to the sanctity of wedded union.

I took off my lapel, handed it to Kurt, and walked down the aisle to Davis.

ME: I'm going to kill you for this.
DAVIS: You're going to thank me later.

That was when he threw up on my tuxedo.

And then I heard the thunder...

The Convert

Hi, my name is Nathan.

DAVIS: Well, if it isn't the boy from state school.

This is my girlfriend.

HAYLEY: Remember, honey, be strong.

We're here to shut down Slice.

ME: Davis, you are perpetuating a sinful lifestyle.
DAVIS: Yeah, what else is new?
JEREMY: Nathan, what's going on with you?
ME: Jeremy, I've made a huge change in my life.
HAYLEY: Nathan has decided to turn his eyes away from the harsh light of moral degradation.
HANK: So he won't be going to karaoke Tuesdays at Fox's anymore?
ME: My new friends at RIC have taught me that heterosexual love is the only love that can be appreciated by God.
JEREMY: Oh my God, did they convert you?

Valerie Westgate warned me that they would use terms like this.

She said--

VALERIE WESTGATE: You have felt the true love now, Nathan. Embrace it. Let go of those who would pull you down into their nets of deceit.

It was after the musical one night. I found myself down in a basement where I was given alcohol and strange tablets and suddenly a light dawned on me--

HANK: Bitch is crazy.
ME: I was hoping maybe some of you would join me in my quest to Christ.
DAVIS: I'd rather wait in line at a Starbucks.

I smiled at Davis, for soon he will fall.

ME: You are the King of these Sinners, Davis. You must be brought down.
DAVIS: Spoken like a true cult nut.
ME: You'll be meeting your judge soon. Let's go, Hayley.

Some people you just can't change.

Mutual Assured Destruction

Hi, my name is Joey.

ME: I want you to change your book.

I've been exposed.

DAVIS: Joey, I'm not sure you understand how books work.

Then again, so has everyone else in town.

I went to Davis' apartment to beg him to change the embarrassing parts of the book--at least the ones that involve me having threeways and being a slut.

DAVIS: So you want me to lie?
ME: Davis, all that stuff was private!
DAVIS: That's why it's on the bestseller list, Joey.
ME: Print a retraction!
DAVIS: It's a book! Not a blog!

I flipped over his coffee table.

It's the most violent thing I've ever done.

ME: Davis, if you don't fix this, I'll--
DAVIS: You'll what? Set my club on fire?

. . . . .

DAVIS: Hank saw you going into the boiler room before Ritchie's club exploded.
ME: He, uh...
DAVIS: See? I left out the best part of the book. I'd consider myself lucky if I were you.
ME: We meant so much to each other.
DAVIS: And now you're bopping a dwarf. Sorry if I don't feel there's any loyalty there.
ME: You can't say anything.
DAVIS: Consider it mutual assured destruction. My book stays the way it is printing after printing, and you're not exposed as being a murderer.
ME: A--
DAVIS: Carter, remember? That would be on you.

I didn't know what to say, so I turned around and walked out.

But in my head, I knew what I had to do.

Davis has to go.

Brothers and Sisters

Hi, my name is Jackson.

JOAN: I was going to tell you.

We're having a family meeting.

PAIGE: When? On your deathbed?
ME: Don't be ridiculous, Paige. She's not mortal.
JOAN: I'm having just as hard a time with this as you all are.
JEREMY: I severely doubt that, Mom. We were blind-sided.
JOAN: I knew you wouldn't take it well.

Paige started to cry--again.

PAIGE: Do you know who my family is?

Jeremy grabbed Paige.

JEREMY: WE are your family. So what if we're not blood? Jackson and I are identical twins, and we were like strangers until last year.
ME: Way to open up that old wound, Jeremy.
JEREMY: Paige, we are your brothers, and we love you.
PAIGE: But I need to know where I came from!
JOAN: You came from an adoption agency. There, that was easy.

She finished off her Death on the Gulf Stream.

JEREMY: I need ice cream.
PAIGE: I'll drive. Maybe I'll see a nice tree I can crash into.

She went into her room to get her coat. Joan pulled Jeremy and I close to her.

JOAN: I may have lied.
ME: May have?
JOAN: About not knowing who Paige's family is--
JEREMY: So tell her.
JOAN: I can't.
ME: Why not?
JOAN: Because she already knows one of them. So do you?
JEREMY: What are you talking about?
JOAN: Paige has a brother. A biological brother. And he's one of your friends.

Oh great.

Paige is related to another CBQ.

A Bond That's Hard to Break

Hi, my name is Ben.

JEREMY: Hey, what's up?

I have something for Jeremy.

ME: I wanted to give you your graduation present.
JEREMY: Oh, I thought maybe you were here to see Jackson.
ME: No, he's meeting me at the mall in a little while.
JEREMY: Well, come in. I never say 'No' to a gift.

I sat down on the couch in the living room.

Once Jeremy was next to me, I took out the card.

JEREMY: Please tell me it's not ten bucks and a 'Go get 'em kid.'
ME: Not exactly.

His mouth dropped when he saw the tickets.

JEREMY: Ben, these tickets are impossible to get. This is the hottest show on Broadway right now.
ME: I'm aware.
JEREMY: These must have been a fortune.
ME: Just a small one.
JEREMY: Why would you--

I kissed him. I leaned over and kissed him.

He pulled back right away, and stood up.

JEREMY: This isn't happening.
ME: Why not?
JEREMY: Um, Jackson?
ME: You mean the guy who slept with your ex-boyfriend?
JEREMY: I mean, my brother.
ME: I thought I could date him and it would...
JEREMY: I don't need to be hearing this.
ME: I love you.

Oh God...

I just said that.

Out loud.

JEREMY: You need to leave now.
ME: I've changed, okay? I've changed, and I've changed because of you. I can be a good person, but I can't be a good person if I can't be with you.
JEREMY: That--really can't be my problem, Ben. I'm sorry, but--
ME: Do you hate me?
JEREMY: OF COURSE I DON'T HATE YOU!
ME: THEN WHY ARE YOU YELLING?
JEREMY: I DON'T KNOW!

The door opened.

PAIGE: Um, hi guys.

Cue sister to heighten awkward moment.

PAIGE: I...uh...
JEREMY: Is something wrong?
PAIGE: Do you remember when Jackson was in the hospital and they thought he was going to lose his kidney?
JEREMY: Yeah.
PAIGE: I was going to give him mine.
JEREMY: You didn't tell me that.
PAIGE: I was tested, but...he didn't need it, so--
ME: So great. Jeremy and I were talking and--
PAIGE: I wasn't a match.
ME: Okay. Well, that's not abnormal.
PAIGE: No, you don't understand. I wasn't a match. They did some testing, and...

Jeremy looked like he'd just been slapped across the face.

But Paige looked worse.

PAIGE: Jackson's not my brother.

Jeremy grabbed my arm. I put it around his waist. He was shaking.

PAIGE: Jeremy, that means I'm not your sister.

That was when he straight up passed out.

The Author

Hi, my name is Davis.

BOOK BUYER: It's such a thrill to meet you.

If you ever told me that one day I'd be spending a Friday night in a Barnes and Noble, I would have told you were--

ME: How would you like me to sign this?

--maybe not so crazy.

After shutting down Prisms, a publishing company in Boston asked me to write my advice for young, gay businessmen.

I thought it was a fantastic idea.

Unfortunately, for most of the gays in Providence, it turned into more of a memoir.

ELI: Hello Davis.

And not everybody is thrilled about that.

ME: Oh Eli, did you actually buy one of my books? I would have given you a really good discount on that.
ELI: I already read the parts I'm interested in--the parts involving me.
ME: Even the parts about you where I used big words?
ELI: You put my business out there for everyone to read.
ME: And it's a bestseller, motherf**ker. Now do you want me to sign your copy or not?

He flipped the table I was sitting at over, sending books flying everywhere.

ELI: What you've done can't be undone. Maybe something like that needs to happen to you.

He walked away, and I wondered...

Was that a threat?

Graduation

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

JACKSON: I can't believe you're leaving me in this school for another year.
ME: Maybe if somebody hadn't taken a year off to bed every bartender in Europe, they'd be graduating too.
JACKSON: I'd say it was worth it, but I'll just wait until you're depressed and show you the photo album.

I'm about to graduate college.

The family was gathered on the baseball field near the quad. Joan was being her normal, reserved self.

JOAN: My baby! My baby! My little baby!
JACKSON: Great. She's launching into 'Sophie's Choice.'
JOAN: My favorite son!
JACKSON: Yup, there it is.

Paige wasn't speaking to me.

ME: I guess I'm not going to get a 'Congratulations.'
PAIGE: When you give me the new password to the Wilde Blog, you will.
ME: Guess that's a 'No' then.

When Jackson and I found out that our sister was the new Wilde, we immediately forced her to give us the password. We changed it, then waited for the blog to die, but someone was still updating it.

JACKSON: Why don't you just tell us who your co-conspirator is?
ME: It can't be Adam. The blog was updated when he was out with us the other night.
PAIGE: I'll never tell.
JACKSON: Please, you talk shit in your sleep. We'll get it out of you.
VOICE: Hey!

I turned around to see Ritchie running towards me holding a book.

ME: Ritchie, you didn't actually buy one of those over-priced yearbooks, did you?
RITCHIE: No, I bought something a LOT better.

He handed me the book.

ME: 'Gossip and the Gays: A Life in Providence?'
RITCHIE: Did you know Davis was writing this?
ME: Davis WROTE something?
RITCHIE: It's dedicated to you.
ME: Aww, that's so--
RITCHIE: It's filled with everything that's happened over the past two years.
ME: That's impossible. Davis is incredibly private.
VOICE: Not when there's six figures on the table.

Davis had me in a hug, before I could even turn around to look at him.

ME: Davis, you didn't.
DAVIS: They're already talking about an HBO series.
JACKSON: Am I in that?
DAVIS: Don't worry. I changed your name.

Jackson grabbed the book from me and flipped through it.

JACKSON: You changed my name to 'Jason?' Everyone's going to know that's me!
DAVIS: Only the people who buy the book. That's the point.

Jackson stormed off.

RITCHIE: Davis, I hope you know that between this and closing down Prisms, you're now the most hated guy in Providence.
ME: Ritchie, don't exaggerate.
RITCHIE: Oh, I'm not. Check the Wilde Blog.

Ritchie started walking towards the quad.

ME: Davis, I think maybe you've gone--
DAVIS: Too far? Please, when do I not?

He gave me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek.

DAVIS: I'm proud of you.

Love him or hate him, he's still my best friend.

Hopefully that target on him isn't too big...

A Good Read

Hi, my name is Adam.

ME: Paige, we're going to be late.
PAIGE: Fashionably late.
ME: It's not fashionable if you show up AFTER the party is over.
PAIGE: I just have to finish updating the blog.

Paige was putting all the dirt about Davis shutting down Prisms on the Wilde Blog.

ME: This blog has taken over your life.
PAIGE: How can you say that?
ME: You're right. This blog has taken over your life--you dumb bitch.
PAIGE: I'm writing the hottest piece of literature in Providence--not counting what's written on the bathroom wall in Grizzly's.
ME: Are you done?
PAIGE: Finished. Let's head out.

We were going to Prisms to celebrate its last night in existence.

After getting all the way to the car, Paige remembered that she left her ID back in her room.

So we had to go all the way back to the apartment, and when we got there.

JEREMY: Hello little sister.
JACKSON: Did you forget something?

There was the computer--with Paige still logged onto the Wilde blog.

PAIGE: Uh...does anybody want me to make hot chocolate?
JACKSON: You know you're f**ked, right?
PAIGE: Ohhh, I'm aware.

Looks like Paige's career as an author has just been cut short.

The Dotted Line

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: Are you nervous?
DAVIS: I don't get nervous. I'm Davis.

We're sitting in Davis' lawyer's office. The owner of Prisms is seated across the table.

MICK: I can't believe you're doing this to me, Davis.
DAVIS: It's just business, Mick.
MICK: After all these years--
DAVIS: Slice is a classy establishment. It brings something to the city. To the gay community here. Prisms is what this town THINKS gay life is like here. I want to change that.
MICK: You want to kill your competition.
DAVIS: That's your opinion.
MICK: You sound like our old mayor.

Davis asked me along in case Mick brought some goons to rough him up, but it was pretty clear this guy is a broken man.

After getting a few investors onboard, Davis is ready to buy Prisms and tear the place down.

DAVIS: Time to sign, Mick.
MICK: Everybody in this town is going to want your head on a plate for this.
DAVIS: Won't be the first time. Now sign.

Mick took the pen, and with one signature--

MICK: Done.

--John Davis just shut down Prisms.

The Inbox

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ADAM: Hey Ritchie.

This is my new semi-roommate.

ME: Hello Adam.

Joey moved back in, and he brought Adam with him.

I could kick, scream, and shout, but Joey is convinced that I set fire to my club and he has evidence that could definitely make it look that way, so for the time being, I have to suck it up.

At least, on the surface.

ME: Hey, my laptop is broken. Do you think I could use Joey's?
ADAM: Um, I don't know. He gets picky about that.
ME: Well, I'll use it right in front of you. I just need to check my Facebook.
ADAM: Uh, okay. I guess if you're going to use it right here.

I sat down next to Adam.

Come on, Joey, I thought. Be the little slimy heartbreaker I know you can be.

ME: Okay--
ADAM: Um, you're on Joey's Facebook.
ME: You're right. I should--Oops, I'm in his Sent box.
ADAM: Ritchie, stop.
ME: Is this a message to Davis?
ADAM: You need to--Wait, let me see that.

Look at that. Joey was telling Davis that he misses him.

ADAM: He slapped him across the face!
ME: Maybe he's into that sort of thing.
ADAM: Hey!
ME: Yeah, I guess I would know. The walls in this place are so thin and--

The door to the apartment opened, and Joey walked in.

ME: Hi Joey.
JOEY: What are you two doing?
ADAM: Looking at your slutty messages to Davis.

Well, what do you know?

I missed having roommates after all.

Mark It Down

Hi, my name is Billy.

KURT: You know, changing the floor is a lot better when you can have sex halfway through it.

My boyfriend, Kurt, and I were the last ones left in the store we work at. Needless to say, we had a little fun on the discard pile.

ME: That was cool.
KURT: Just cool?
ME: Cool is pinnacle for me. Nobody gets 'cool' from me.
KURT: And I got a 'cool?'
ME: Yup.
KURT: Amazing. Anyone else ever get a 'cool?'

Jeremy.

ME: Uh...nope.
KURT: Awesome.

Kurt is really sensitive when it comes to Jeremy. He knows that we meant a lot to each other, and he worries that he won't live up to the hype.

To be honest, sometimes I worry about it too.

KURT: So, I want to talk to you about something.
ME: No, I do not think we can, in good faith, redistribute that sweater after--
KURT: No, it's about us.

Oh boy.

KURT: Look, being in that explosion really changed things for me. I have a whole new outlook on life now. I want to seize it. I want to embrace it.
ME: You want to eat sushi in land-locked states?
KURT: Huh?
ME: That was...a joke.

A Jeremy joke.

KURT: I want to get married.

WHAT?!

ME: Kurt--
KURT: I know, it's crazy. We haven't known each other that long, but I love you.
ME: I...

I don't--

ME: I love you, too.
KURT: So--let's do this? Right?

If he had just asked, I could have said 'No.' But the way he said, 'Right?'

It was like--

ME: Sure.

It was just like that.

Looks like I'm getting married.

We Can Work It Out

Hi, my name is Nathan.

ME: I'm transferring...again.

I gathered all the RIC kids together to tell them that I decided to go back to Ocean State College.

Things weren't working out.

You know, what with the dinner party orgies and the possible homicides and all.

VALERIE: But Nathan, you're one of the family now. You can't just leave.
ALEX: The last guy who left wound up in pieces.
ME: You mean emotional, metaphorical pieces?
ALEX: Yeah, let's go with that.

I figured they would be a little averse to me going like this, which is why I called for back-up.

ME: Guys, I want you to meet my friends.

Jackson, Jeremy, and Paige walked into the Little Theater, where I was having my farewell party.

ME: They'll be helping me leave.
KRISTINA: Oh, you're that tranny, Jeremy!
JEREMY: That was a lie.
KRISTINA: A lie? You lied?
JEREMY: Yes, I'm a liar. I am not, however, a tranny.
JAMES: Damn!

Everybody looked at James.

JAMES: I'm just very accepting of people being different...in a sexual way...

Okay, time to go.

ME: Look, this has really been...an experience, but I just don't think I fit in here.
HAYLEY: Do you want to make out before you leave?
ME: I'm going to say 'No.'
PAIGE: I'll make out with you if there any straight boys here it would entice.
ALL: No!
ME: You two making out would just be very, very wrong.

Adi came up to me.

ADI: I'll be sad to see you go.
ME: We were never going to sleep together.
ADI: In that case, who wants to go to Subway with me?

Doug burst into the room.

DOUG: They just posted the cast list for the musical!
ME: Great. Have fun everybody. Jeremy can you--
DOUG: Nathan, you got the lead.

Silence.

ME: You know...maybe I'm being too rash here.
JACKSON: Nathan, what are you--
ME: Back off, Jackson. Didn't you hear him? I have a lead. A LEAD!
JEREMY: These people are insane!
VALERIE: We're mainly slutty.
ME: I'm staying.
PAIGE: Can I transfer here too?

I know, I know, but don't judge me.

I realize that it's better to be a small fish in a--

You know what? Screw the fish.

I'm a lead in a musical.

Life is sweet.

A Perfect Match

Hi, my name is Joey.

RITCHIE: Look who's back.

I needed to see Ritchie.

ME: I need to move back in with you.
RITCHIE: What's the matter? Not enjoying dorm life with Adam?
ME: I need my own place. I can't move back in with my family.
RITCHIE: Then you better figure something out.
ME: I already have.

I threw down my smoking gun.

RITCHIE: Matches? Sorry Joey, I gave up smoking.
ME: Was that before or after you set your club on fire?

His face fell. I had him.

ME: You dropped these matches at the club the night of the explosion. I picked it up. How much do you want to bet the match they found outside the boiler room that set off the explosion has your finger prints on it? Now if someone were to suggest it to the police--
RITCHIE: Why would I light my own club on fire?
ME: For the insurance money. I guess you didn't think it was going to cause that gas mane to blow. You were hoping there'd be more time for all of us to get out. Now Carter's dead and I think you should pay.

I started to walk towards the door, but he stopped me--

Of course.

RITCHIE: You can move back in here.
ME: Rent free?
RITCHIE: Are you out of--

I held up the matches.

RITCHIE: Fine.
ME: Adam's moving in too.

He looked like I punched him in the gut.

ME: You're right. Dorm life isn't for me.

I walked out.

Wow. It feels good being a bitch.

Don't Mess with the Family

Hi, my name is Jackson.

VOICE: If you move, I'll shoot you.

I'm staying in my room.

There was a knock on the door of the apartment, and Jeremy went to see who it was. Paige is out for the night with friends, and our mom is out shopping, which means she'll be back in three days.

I heard a commotion in the hallway, and when I hobbled out of my sick bed and over to the door, I looked out and saw some guy standing over Jeremy holding a gun.

Immediately, I thought to bumrush him, but with my leg still in a cast from the explosion, I wouldn't be able to do much damage.

Instead, I closed the door, and tried to figure out what I could do.

Buzz, Buzz...

Thank God for cell phones.

I picked it up, went into the closet, shut the door, and answered it.

ME: Hello?
BEN: Jackson?
ME: Ben, there's someone--
BEN: It's Taylor.
ME: The crazy guy from L.A.?

He told me all about Taylor, but he told me that he was--

BEN: He's not dead.
ME: CLEARLY!
BEN: Is Jeremy okay?
ME: He's got a gun pointed at him. Other than that, he's great.
BEN: I'll be there in a little bit. Just keep him there until--

BANG! BANG!

ME: Oh my God.
BEN: Jackson, what was that?
ME: I think he shot Jeremy.
BEN: WHAT?
ME: I have to see--
BEN: Jackson, don't!

I couldn't hide anymore. I had to try to do something.

As soon as I got into the hallway, I saw what had happened.

There was Taylor, down on the ground, with his hands over his head. There was Jeremy a few feet from him, holding Taylor's own gun at him.

And there was Paige, with the gun still pointed at the wall--a wall with two new bullet holes in it.

ME: Paige?!?!
PAIGE: Every girl needs a handgun.
ME: I thought you were out with--
PAIGE: The club was boring. So I came home. Who's this?

Thank God Rhode Island doesn't have much of a Tuesday night club scene.

The Gingerbread Man

Hi, my name is Ben.

ME: Hello, this is Ben.

The past has finally found me.

TAYLOR'S VOICE: Hello Ben.

Taylor...

-- LOS ANGELES, LAST YEAR --

I had no idea when I went down there that he was into...

TAYLOR: Film.

...Film.

TAYLOR: I want you to be my new star, Benny Boy.

I wasn't interested, but when I tried walking out on him--

TAYLOR: And what about that little tape we made?

He had gotten us on tape--the first night I went out there.

TAYLOR: I'd hate for that to get out.

So I hung around, but he agreed to let me wait before I starred in my first big movie.

In the meantime, we did other stuff.

Mostly coke.

TAYLOR: Good to know you're not as prude as you look, Ben.

Then one night, we did too much.

...or rather, Taylor did too much...

We were out by his pool and he passed out.

...Right on the side of the pool.

One little kick--

SPLASH

--And he was facedown floating.

And I ran.

-- PROVIDENCE, TODAY --

ME: What do you want?
TAYLOR: I want to have a little meeting with you.
ME: No chance.
TAYLOR: Are you sure? What about our little--
ME: Release the video. I don't care. You're not going to blackmail me.
TAYLOR: And what about your friends? Do you think I could blackmail them?

What was he--

TAYLOR: Eli, for example.

That's why he went on that date with Eli.

TAYLOR: And those unreleased movies your friend Carter did.
ME: You sick--
TAYLOR: I'd hate to tarnish his memory.

He had me. I didn't want him embarrassing Carter. When he was alive, I wouldn't have cared, but the kid should rest in peace.

ME: Where do you want to meet?
TAYLOR: How about in your boyfriend's bedroom? That's where I am now.

Silence.

ME: What are you--
TAYLOR: Hey, I had to have a back-up plan in case the tapes didn't work. Your boy fell for the old, 'I'm here to check the pipes' trick. Can you believe it? Then again, I am a cute twenty-something guy. I do tend to slip in wherever I want.
ME: Leave Jackson alone. He's--
TAYLOR: Jackson? Why that naughty boy. He told me his name was Jeremy. I'm going to have to punish him for that.

He doesn't even realize Jackson is in the bedroom.

He's got both of them.

TAYLOR: See you when you get here, Benny Boy.

And he hung up.

Looks like Taylor and I were finally going to settle up our old debts.

Just Another Funeral

Hi, my name is Davis.

ELI: Why do they have the memorial a month after the funeral?
JEREMY: Because nobody remembers the funeral because most of you were drunk.
JACKSON: We had to get through it somehow.
ME: Singing 'American Pie' at the top of your lungs was 'getting through it?'
NATHAN: Ssshh, we're in church.

This is how we're remembering Carter.

BEN: Where's Ritchie?
ME: Maybe he can't bear to show his face.
JEREMY: Davis, knock it off. The gas mane exploding was an accident.
HANK: An accident that happened in HIS club.
ME: Maybe if he hadn't been so preoccupied with shutting me down, he would have noticed all the glaring code violations.

Paige sat down next to us out of breath.

PAIGE: Guys, this is ridiculous. Why can't Adam and Joey sit near us?
ME: Because I hate them.
BEN: Yeah, Adam's annoying.
ELI: Totes.
PAIGE: Totes? I'm sorry--did the kettle just pop its little annoying head up for a second?
JEREMY: Could everybody please stop? This is a memorial mass.
ELI: Chill, Jeremy. It's just another funeral.
PAIGE: Ugh, I hate having to go back and forth. Can I at least have Adam and Joey move up a few pews?
ELI: Ha!

Silence.

ELI: Few pews. It's funny.

That's when we heard the doors of the church fly open.

ME: Ritchie?

He walked down the aisle and stopped at our pew. He looked right at me as he made his announcement.

RITCHIE: Turns out it wasn't a gas mane after all. It looked like a gas mane burst, but that's only because somebody lit a fire in the boiler room.
JACKSON: So that means--
RITCHIE: That means somebody at the club that night is responsible for Carter dying.

He leaned in and looked at me.

RITCHIE: And guess who the main suspect is?

Yup, just another funeral.

Call Me Florence Nightingale

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

JACKSON: I thought I asked for pudding.
ME: I thought I asked for my sibling to die in the womb.
JACKSON: Really funny, Jeremy--all things considered.

I know, I shouldn't make jokes seeing as how I almost lost my brother.

But he's been milking that near-death experience for a month now.

After the club explosion, Jackson spent a week in the hospital. Then I had him move back into the apartment with me and--

PAIGE: WHO WANTS PUDDING?

--Hey, somebody has to supply the snacks.

JACKSON: Paige, every time you yell using that voice, I think I can feel my stitches coming undone.
PAIGE: Just so you know, sassy bitches don't get pudding.
ME: Oooh, a new Facebook status.
VOICE: Knock, knock.

It's Ben. I have to hand it to him. He stayed with me and Jackson every day in the hospital, and now he's been coming by every day to check on us.

Although, there is an unfortunate side to all this help--

BEN: How's my boy doing?

He fell in love with Jackson.

Just watching them kiss is...weird.

JACKSON: Miss me?
BEN: Like crazy.
ME: You know, if he moved in with you, you wouldn't have to miss him so much--
JACKSON: Nice try.
PAIGE: Ben, do you want to stay for dinner?
ME: Maybe I'd like a nice, quiet dinner.
VOICE: Kids! It's Mom!
ME: Well, there goes that.

Twenty minutes later, we were all sitting around the table.

JOAN: ...And to think I could have lost my child.
JACKSON: It's okay, Mom. I'm recovering just fine.
JOAN: Were you hurt too? I thought only Jeremy was injured?
JACKSON: He had two scratches and a bruised forehead!
JOAN: YOU HURT YOUR FOREHEAD?

God, I need a vacation.

Knock, knock.

ADAM: Hey, are you guys coming?
ME: Oh my God, I forgot all about the memorial service.
JACKSON: I can't believe it's been a month.
PAIGE: I don't know if I can go. I'll cry.
ME: Paige, we have to go. C'mon, get dressed.
BEN: Yeah, it's for Carter. He would have wanted us there.

I still can't believe he's gone.

Poor Carter.

Triage

Hi, my name is Adam.

ME: Is he alive?

Joey was being wheeled into the E.R. at Providence Hospital, and he wasn't conscious.

VOICE: Adam!

I turned around to see Ritchie coming towards me.

RITCHIE: How is he?
ME: I don't know.
DOCTOR: I need you two to wait outside.

I couldn't remember what happened. One minute I was dancing with Joey, and then I felt this burst of--

RITCHIE: You son-of-a-bitch!

I turned around and there was Hank.

RITCHIE: You did this, didn't you?
HANK: What are you talking about?
RITCHIE: I saw you leaving the club.
HANK: Davis sent me in there to see how you were--
RITCHIE: So Davis is responsible for this?

A police officer running by stopped.

POLICE OFFICER: It was a gas leak.
RITCHIE: What?
POLICE OFFICER: A gas leak. In the back room.

Ritchie looked like he was going to lose it.

RITCHIE: So this is my fault.
ME: Ritchie, it was just an accident. It--
VOICE: I NEED HELP HERE!

We all looked at the E.R. doors to see Davis bust through them holding Jeremy--or was it Jackson?

DAVIS: SOMEBODY HELP!

Two E.M.T.'s came racing up to Davis. He looked like he was going to collapse once they took the body from him. Hank ran up to him, and took him by the arm.

HANK: Davis, who--
DAVIS: I don't know. I think it was--

The doors flew open again.

There was--

JEREMY: Where's my brother?

Davis grabbed him and hugged him. Jeremy hugged him back, but then pulled away.

JEREMY: Where's Jackson?
DAVIS: They just took him in--

Jeremy started running.

HANK: This is insane.

VOICE: CAN I GET A DOCTOR HERE?
ME: What now?

Another body on a gurney went wheeling past me.

A doctor met it as it was going past.

DOCTOR: All right, let's get him into Room 2. We just lost one, and I don't want to lose anybody else tonight.

Lost one?

Who did they lose?

Broken Glass

Hi, my name is Hank.

DAVIS: How's the party?
ME: It's just a bunch of sluts making out and getting drunk.
DAVIS: So basically, it's a hit?
ME: Yeah, basically.

Davis sent me over to Ritchie's club to see how his Thursday Night Special was going. I'd love to say that my place of employment was the place to be, but Ritchie's club was killing Slice, and I could tell Davis was worried.

DAVIS: Well, I have something that might even the score.
ME: Oh yeah? What?

That was when the windows blew out.

It felt like an earthquake, or--

DAVIS: Was that a bomb?

We ran out the door, and looked across the street, where Ritchie's club is--

--or was--

The entire front of it looked like it was ripped off, and some parts of it were on fire.

ME: Oh wow--

Davis grabbed me.

DAVIS: Who was in there?
ME: Uh, Ritchie, uh--
DAVIS: Was Jeremy in there?
ME: Yeah, everybody. Everybody was in there.

Davis started running across the street.

ME: Davis, the place looks like it's going to collapse!

And then I remembered what he said--

'I have something that might even the score.'

Is this what he meant?

With a Bang

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ME: I'd say my first big event is a success.

My club is hosting its first Thursday Special, and the place is packed. There's a line outside the door, and cash is practically falling from the ceiling.

JACKSON: Nice to have found your true calling, isn't it, Ritchie?
ME: My true calling is putting Davis out of business. Until that happens, my destiny is unfulfilled.
JACKSON: This feud is getting a little epic, don't you think?
ME: You're judging me for having a feud?
JACKSON: Pot, kettle, got it.
ME: Besides, the man threw me off a balcony. Sorry if I haven't quite gotten over it yet. Maybe when that new hip comes in--

Speaking of the devil, I poked my head out of the door, and there was Davis outside his lonely little club, Slice.

ME: That's just pitiful.

I felt a tap on my shoulder.

JOEY: Ritchie, can I talk to you?
ME: Would this be about me kicking you out of the apartment?
JOEY: No, I actually wanted to say I like your decor.
ME: Wow, who taught you sarcasm?
JOEY: Why did you kick me out?
ME: Because I don't feel like having that little tramp Adam hanging around, that's why. Now if you'll excuse me. I have a club to run.

I made my way up the stairs to the second floor where I could look down on all the people dancing.

There was Jackson talking to some cute boy probably born after the millennium change. There were Joey and Adam, figuring out where they're going to have sex now. Billy had brought his new boyfriend--some guy named Kurt. Nathan had brought a bunch of the kids from RIC. Carter and Eli were dancing on the bar like two veritable skank tanks.

It was just like old times.

VOICE: Congratulations, Ritchie.

I turned around to see Jeremy and Ben.

BEN: The place looks great.
ME: How did Davis' place look?
JEREMY: Honestly--dead.
ME: Fantastic.
BEN: You're going to kill his livelihood.
ME: No, I think syphilis will end up doing that.
JEREMY: I'll let you have your victory tonight, Ritchie. You earned it.
ME: Damn right, I did.

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Hank darting out the door of the club.

ME: What the hell was Hank doing here? He works for--

And that was when I felt the explosion come out from underneath me.

The glass shattered.
There was screaming.

Then everything--

--Went black.

Who Can I Turn To?

Hi, my name is Billy.

RITCHIE: Are you still mad at me?
ME: Yes, but if it's any consolation, I'm mad at everyone now.

After Ritchie divulged that he saw me smiling during my...altercation...with Jackson, Jeremy felt that we had to take a break.

I have no idea what's going on with me.

It's just that having Jackson take control like that felt so--

RITCHIE: Billy?
ME: Oh, sorry. My mind wandered.

I needed a night out--so I went to Ritchie's new club to relax.

RITCHIE: Wandering's what got you into trouble in the first place.
ME: Ha--Ha.

I felt a tap on my shoulder.

VOICE: Hey mister.

I turned around, and there was Kurt--my manager.

KURT: Out for a night on the town?
ME: Uh, yeah, I--
RITCHIE: Cough cough.
ME: Oh, sorry. This is my friend Ritchie.
RITCHIE: I own this little establishment. Feel free to let know if there's anything I can do to--prolong your stay.

Ritchie smiled and walked off to the bar.

ME: Sorry. He gets more and more like Blanche Devereaux every day.
KURT: It's okay. I have some friends like him.

It felt a little weird to be in a social environment with my manager, especially one so cute.

KURT: Would you like me to buy you a drink?
ME: Sorry. I don't drink.
KURT: And you're in this place? God, I need to be half plastered just to walk through the door.

I laughed. He smiled.

Oh God, he's in love.

Great.

...Actually...

ME: Do you want to get out of here?
KURT: And go where?
ME: Do you have an apartment?
KURT: Um, yeah, but--
ME: Sorry. You're my manager. I shouldn't--
KURT: I was going to say that I have to tell my friends I'm leaving. See you back here in five.

...Maybe it's a good thing after all.

Valerie's Dinner Party

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JEREMY: How did you talk me into this?
ME: I gave you twenty bucks.
JEREMY: Oh right.

I bribed Jeremy into going with me to my first RIC dinner party as my date. Valerie was throwing it at her place, and I was worried there'd be some sort of Mayan sacrifice involving me if I didn't bring someone from the outside world.

Plus, Jeremy and I both needed a break from the CBQ's.

ME: Done anything crazy since your break-up?
JEREMY: I almost had a three-way with Carter and a bartender.
ME: Shut your claptrap, Sad Sap.
JEREMY: Pardon me.
ME: It's a vocal exercise. How was the--
JEREMY: We didn't. I changed my mind at the last minute.
ME: Good boy.
JEREMY: I changed it when I find out Carter's been doing porn.
ME: WHAT?

The door to Valerie's apartment opened.

ALEX: Nathan! So good to see you.

Alex, Valerie's boyfriend, was standing there in a toga.

ME: I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was a costume party.
ALEX: It's not. I just like to wear this around the house.

Jeremy looked at me with a puzzled expression.

ME: I warned you.

Once we were inside the apartment, I had to do all the introductions.

ME: Jeremy, this is Kristina.
KRISTINA: Haven't we made out?
JEREMY: Uh, no, I'm gay.
KRISTINA: And?

Before Jeremy could get molested, I hustled him to the table, where everybody was taking their seats.

ME: So where's Jeff?

The room went silence.

ADI: Jeff who?
HAYLEY: What Jeff?
JAMES: We don't know a Jeff.

More silence.

JEREMY: Is there a Bermuda Triangle somewhere in this apartment?
VOICE: I HOPE YOU'RE ALL HUNGRY!

Valerie appeared with a giant pot of what I'm guessing was soup.

VALERIE: I've been slaving away all day.
HAYLEY: I would have come over to help.
VALERIE: The last time you helped I had to get stoned just to stop the puking. Pass me the salt!

Jeremy whispered in my ear.

JEREMY: Nathan, these people are insane.
ME: You just found out your twin brother hooked up with your boyfriend while your friend watched and then forgot about it because he was on drugs after being pushed off a patio by your best friend when said best friend found out that his boyfriend was flirting online with your sister's best friend.

. . . . .

JEREMY: Mmm, smells good, y'all!

I didn't mention to Jeremy that there definitely was a Jeff, and he was definitely missing.

DOUG: Valerie, this is amazing.
VALERIE: You're so sweet, Doug. I can't wait to see you naked.

Uh--

ME: What did you say?
ALEX: We're all getting naked later.
JAMES: After dinner.
HAYLEY: After we do the ceremony.
JEREMY: Ceremony?
ADI: Hayley, it was supposed to be a surprise!
HAYLEY: Oops!
KRISTINA: I'd like to wear the leather corset tonight.
VALERIE: You're such a whore.
JAMES: You should talk.

While the room erupted into arguing, I grabbed Jeremy and took him into the bathroom.

JEREMY: You did NOT tell me this was going to turn into a pagan orgy!
ME: I didn't know!
JEREMY: How could you not know?
ME: I'm sorry, Jeremy, but that's not the sort of thing they put on the FACEBOOK INVITE!

His eyes got wide, and he started to gag.

ME: Oh, come on. We can just sneak out. You don't have to fake sick.
JEREMY: Is that--blood?

I turned around.

The shower curtain was slightly open, and there was some blood on the edge of it.

JEREMY: Nathan, pull the shower curtain back.
ME: No.
JEREMY: Nathan--
ME: You do it.
JEREMY: NATHAN!

The bathroom door flung open.

VALERIE: Now just what are you two boys doing in here?
ALEX: Trying to start the party early?

He threw back his head and laughed.

ALEX: Now--are you ready to strip?

I tried to think of something that would get us out of this.

Anything.

JEREMY: I'm a pre-op transsexual.

Uh--

ALEX: Uh--
VALERIE: I, uh--

Three minutes later, we were out the door.

ME: That was the best you could--
JEREMY: Got us out, didn't it?

Yes, it did.

But I still wanted to know where that blood came from...

Buy a Boy a Drink

Hi, my name is Carter.

JEREMY: I can't believe it's over.

I decided to take Jeremy out to Prisms to help him get over his break-up with Billy.

After he found out that Billy wasn't totally innocent involving what happened with Jackson...

JEREMY: I don't understand.
ME: Well, he looks just like you.
JEREMY: But he's...Jackson.
ME: Jeremy, I don't know how to tell you this, but I think Billy kind of likes bad boys.

Jeremy looked at me like I was crazy, and then--

JEREMY: Oh my God...you're right.

He put his head down on the bar.

ME: I wouldn't do that. Crazy things happen on that bar.
VOICE: Hey Movie Star.

Oh no...

I turned around to see Tex.

ME: Oh hey.
TEX: Why's your friend looking so sad?
JEREMY: My twin brother had sex with my boyfriend he liked it.
TEX: Your brother liked it?
ME: No, his boyfriend.
JEREMY: I'm sure Jackson didn't hate it.
TEX: Let me get you a drink.

Tex walked away for a bit.

JEREMY: Carter, is Tex single?
ME: Yeah.
JEREMY: Great.
ME: Why?
JEREMY: I'm going to have sex with him.
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: Billy's not the only one that go wild.

Jeremy saw that I wasn't too happy about this.

JEREMY: What's wrong?
ME: I kind of like Tex.
JEREMY: Oh...

He took a deep breath.

JEREMY: I guess you'll just have to join in then.

It took me a second to understand what he meant, and then--

ME: Eeeeeee...

This could be bad.

The Intervention

Hi, my name is Jackson.

ME: Can I help you?

I walked into my apartment to find Billy, Eli, Ritchie, Hank, Ben, Nathan, Carter, and my brother sitting in my living room.

ME: This is what I get for letting Paige have my spare key.
JEREMY: Have a seat, Jackson.
ME: Is this a summit?
BEN: No, this is an intervention.
ME: Haha--are you kidding?
NATHAN: Jackson, how could you do that?
ME: Do what?
CARTER: What you did to Billy.

I looked over at Billy.

The little f**k ratted me out.

Fine, why not go down fighting then?

ME: You mean why did I give him the best sex of his life?
JEREMY: Do you have any respect for me at all?
ME: This coming from the guy who tossed me out of my apartment.
JEREMY: You felt that raping my boyfriend was an acceptable response?

I laughed.

ME: You're kidding, right?
HANK: You're a sick bitch, Jackson.
ME: F**k off, Cyclops.
HANK: What did you say?
JEREMY: Hank, calm down!
BILLY: Why are you telling him to calm down? Shouldn't you be upset too?
JEREMY: What do you want me to do? Hit him? I've hit him before. Nothing seems to work. That's why we're here.

Enough of this. I turned to Ritchie.

ME: Ritchie, you walked in on us. Did it look like I was raping Billy?
RITCHIE: I don't remember.
ME: You don't remember me assaulting Billy? Wow, it must have been really bad then.
ELI: He was, like, totally out of it on drugs.
ME: Wow, too bad you weren't around to take advantage, huh, Eli?
ELI: HEY!

Jeremy held up his hands and everybody got quiet.

JEREMY: He's trying to bait us. That's what he does. He baits people.
NATHAN: Did you even think about me?
ME: Did you think about me when you transferred to--
JEREMY: Stop! That's it. We're done. We're going to the police, and from this point on, Jackson, you're on your own.
ME: Good luck writing out that police report.

I started to walk out of my apartment again. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I really didn't care either.

VOICE: Wait.

I turned around. Everybody was looking at Ritchie.

RITCHIE: You were smiling.

He was looking at Billy.

RITCHIE: I remember...

Looking right at him.

RITCHIE: You were smiling.

Bingo.

Opposites Attract

Hi, my name is Ben.

PAIGE: Take me for what I ammm...

Karaoke makes me want to kill myself.

CARTER: And if you give a damn--

But it's Spring Break, and everybody wanted to celebrate it by going out.

ME: How's Davis doing?
JEREMY: Well, instead of having a total mental break, he's thrown himself into his work. He's practically sleeping at the club now.
HANK: As opposed to just sleeping with everybody who goes there.
JEREMY: C'mon, Hank. The poor guy found out his ex-boyfriend was sleeping with half the town.
BILLY: That reminds me. When is Joey going to stop being persona non grata?

We all looked two tables down--and there were Joey and Adam, sitting by themselves.

JEREMY: Personally, I don't care if I never talk to him again.
ELI: Someone got HARSH.
BILLY: I guess messing with Davis is a venial sin.
JEREMY: I'd be the same way if anybody messed with you.
BILLY: You would?
ME: Hey, where's Jackson been? I haven't seen him in forever.
HANK: Yeah, me either.

Billy looked uncomfortable when we mentioned Jackson.

JEREMY: I guess him and Billy got into a fight and--
BILLY: Could we not talk about this anymore, please?

He got up and walked away from the table.

JEREMY: Sorry guys. He's been really--

Just then Paige and Carter sat down, and the DJ called the next singer.

DJ: Let's get Jeremy and Ben up here!
ME and JEREMY: What?
CARTER: I put a song in for you guys.
ME: Why?
CARTER: I thought it would be fun.
DJ: C'mon guys! Get up here!

I was really hoping it was at least a song about friendship or--

DJ: Doing 'Opposites Attract,' this is Ben and Jeremy.

Damn.

Jeremy seemed a little more willing that I was. He takes these things in stride, that's why I like him.

About a minute into the song, we started having fun with it. We even got up on the bar, and did a few Coyote moves.

I looked down and saw that Billy had wandered back into the bar. He was looking at us like we were having going at it right there in front of everyone.

When we were done, we got down, and gave each other a hug.

It felt so good hugging him.

Then Jeremy looked at Billy.

JEREMY: What's wrong?
BILLY: I just...
JEREMY: I know something's been going on with you. What is it?
BILLY: It's Jackson.

Jackson?

BILLY: Jeremy, he assaulted me.

The bar was packed, but all I heard was silence.

The Bad Place

Hi, my name is Davis.

JEREMY: Sooo...we have some news.

I'm about to have a mental break.

ME: I saw.
JEREMY: You saw?
ME: Facebook.
JEREMY: It's already on Facebook?
HANK: They probably Facebooked it as they were--
ME: STOP!

We were at my club, and even though the music was playing pretty loud, everyone still turned and looked at me.

ME: Did you specifically wait until we were out in public to tell me so that I wouldn't cause a scene?
JEREMY/HANK: No./Yes.
ME: It didn't work.

I went up to the DJ booth, and took the mic.

JEREMY: Oh no...

After tapping on it a few times, I had everybody's attention.

ME: I would just like everyone to know that Joey, my ex-boyfriend, gave me an incurable S.T.D. and he has probably passed it on to whomever else he's slept with, so if you've slept with him--

Suddenly, half the club cleared out.

ME: --Uh...

I felt a hand tugging at me.

JEREMY: Davis, let's get you home. You should just sleep this all off.
ME: Why did they all--
HANK: Joey's been a busy boy.
ME: I was just--
JEREMY: I know, Davis, I know.
ME: To see--But I didn't--Oh God--
HANK: Uh oh, he's going to the bad place.

All I could think about was strangling him.

Him and Adam.

I was going to make them pay.

Back to the Dorms

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

ME: I can't believe you're moving back into dorms.
NATHAN: I have no choice.

I'm helping Nathan settle in at RIC.

NATHAN: I can't live with Ben anymore, and the school's offering to pay for my housing as part of my scholarship.
ME: It just seems like a step back.
BILLY: Jeremy, you're not being supportive.
ME: Okay, okay. I'll back off.

In my head, I'm going to continue judging.

BILLY: I'm going to go grab another box from the car.

Billy took off. He's been acting so strange lately.

Turns out I wasn't the only one who noticed.

NATHAN: I think you should have a talk with Billy.
ME: What about?
NATHAN: Haven't you noticed that he's been--
ME: Acting weird, yeah.
NATHAN: You didn't wonder what that was about?
ME: I think Jackson may have said something to him. He was mad he had to move out. Then after he and Billy brought Ritchie home from his fall, he hasn't been around. That's when all this started.
NATHAN: It might also have something to do with his new job.
ME: Oh no, it's not that. He loves his new job. He's been taking extra hours left and right.
NATHAN: Yeah, I would think more about that if I were you.

I started to wonder what that meant, but then I remembered that Nathan had a thing for me, and he's probably just trying to get between Billy and me.

God, you can't trust anybody these days.

Paige Throws a Party

Hi, my name is Adam.

PAIGE: Happy Birthday!

My birthday was yesterday.

ME: Where's my cake, you dumb bitch?
PAIGE: Um, it's almost ready.
ME: You just put it in the oven, didn't you?
PAIGE: I had to get my nails done!

This is what happens when Paige throws a party.

Jeremy let her back in the apartment so she could have a birthday party for me, but the only signs I see of any festivities are the guests and the one balloon sitting in the middle of the room.

ME: That balloon is lonely--just like me.
JEREMY: Wow, try to keep the joy contained, buttercup.
ME: I'm just mad that Joey's not here.
JEREMY: He's probably not here because he thought Davis was going to be here.
ME: Davis is here?
JEREMY: No, he thought Joey was going to be here.
ME: So neither one of them is here because they thought the other one was going to be here?
JEREMY: This is why the gays have trouble organizing.

There was a crash in the kitchen. Then Paige appeared.

PAIGE: The salsa...yeah...not going to happen tonight.

Shocker.

Carter made his way over to me.

CARTER: Happy birthday, Adam!
ME: Thanks, Carter.
CARTER: Want to make out?
ME: Not really, no.
CARTER: Okay. See you later.

This is my life.

Knock, Knock.

ME: I'll get it.
RITCHIE: Adam, you can't answer the door at your own party.
BILLY: Yeah, let Paige do it.
PAIGE'S VOICE: I'm looking for olive oil!
ELI: What does she need olive oil--
ME: Don't ask.

I opened the door, and there was Joey.

ME: You came?
JOEY: I came.
ME: Why?
JOEY: I've made a decision.
ELI: You're going to stop shopping at Baby Gap?
JOEY: I want to be with you, Adam.
RITCHIE and ME: Really?

Everyone looked at Ritchie.

RITCHIE: Uh, I'm just..uh...wow.

I couldn't believe was I was hearing.

ME: You mean, like, you want to date me?
JOEY: Yes. Like, a lot.

Oh my God.

VOICE: Who wants almost-baked caked?

Paige walked into the room carrying my cake. Then Ritchie took it out of her hands.

RITCHIE: Here, Paige, let me get that.

He walked over to Joey, and pushed it in his face. The cake went sliding down Joey's body and onto the floor.

RITCHIE: Oops.

Then he walked out the door.

CARTER: Wow, Ritchie's gotten really clumsy.

I barely noticed.

I have a boyfriend.

Forget my birthday; it's like Christmas.

Mr. Slugworth

Hi, my name is Hank.

RITCHIE: Come to check out the hottest new club in town, Hank?

In a manner of speaking, I am.

DAVIS: I want you to infiltrate Ritchie's club and sabotage the place.
ME: I don't believe this was in my job description as bouncer.
DAVIS: I'll double your salary.
ME: I think I just heard my job description expand.

So here I am at Ritchie's.

RITCHIE: I can't let you in.
ME: Why not?
RITCHIE: You work for Davis.
ME: Yeah, but I hate him. Plus, it's my night off. I'm not going to my own club on my night off.

I saw Ritchie consider it, and then he stepped aside and let me inside the club.

People trust me--it's always a big mistake on their part.

Once I was in, it was clear that I wouldn't have to do much to empty the place.

ME: Hey.
CLUB RAT: Hey.
ME: Did you hear that Slice is doing karaoke tonight.
CLUB RAT: I don't do karaoke.
ME: That's too bad. The first prize is a thousand bucks.
CLUB RAT: Are you serious?!?
ME: Yup.
CLUB RAT: Oh, I'm outta here!

After I cleared the dance floor, I made my way around to the bathrooms.

VOICE: Oh damn!

That was when I hit pay dirt.

ME: Hey Ritchie, you might want to put up more posters. Your club is cleared out.
RITCHIE: Thanks, Hank. Now could you close the door?
ME: Sure thing. Nice seeing you, Joey.
JOEY: Nice seeing you, Hank.

A little blackmail material is always good for business.

Strictly Business

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

JEREMY: Ritchie, are you sure you're okay to--
ME: I'm fine, Jeremy. Relax.

I decided I wanted to go out for a night on the town, and that included a stop at Slice to see my old friend Davis.

Ever since I got pushed off my balcony two weeks ago, I've been wondering how I was going to make Jeremy pay for nearly killing me and hitting Joey.

Then it occurred to me.

ME: Hello Davis.

I was going to hit him where it hurts most.

DAVIS: Hi Ritchie, nice to see you out.
JEREMY: Davis, do you have something you might want to say to Ritchie?
DAVIS: Like what?
JEREMY: Like 'Sorry I almost killed you?'
DAVIS: He stuck his nose in where it didn't belong.
JEREMY: Davis!
DAVIS: Hey, he's still moving, isn't he?
ME: Oh, you bet I'm moving.

I handed him my business card.

ME: Right across the street.

Davis read my card and laughed.

DAVIS: Del Fuego? What's this?
ME: My new business venture.
JEREMY: A club?
ME: Not just any club. The hottest new gay club in Providence. I'm going to put this little shitshow right out of business.
JEREMY: Ritchie, where did you get the money for this?
ME: I had some savings put aside from when I was on tour, and I managed to get a few investors. Turns out a lot of people aren't fans of Mr. Davis in this town.
JEREMY: Oh God, Ritchie--
ME: I even got the Wilde Blog's support.

It wasn't that hard seeing as how I write for it now.

Davis looked at me, then ripped up my card and tossed it in the air.

DAVIS: Looks like I'm not too worried.

I just smiled, and counted to three.

That was when the lights went off.

DAVIS: What the hell?
ME: Looks like somebody knows somebody down at the electric company. Have fun playing in the dark, Davis. With your clientele, it might actually be an upside.

I walked out and across the street.

It was time to get down to business.

Retail Therapy

Hi, my name is Billy.

NATHAN: So you haven't told him?

Nathan and I were doing some shopping.

ME: I thought Ritchie would, but then he blacked out right there on the kitchen floor.
NATHAN: And Jackson?
ME: He took off. I haven't seen him all week.

It's been seven long days since my altercation with Jackson, and I still feel really shaken up.

NATHAN: Billy, you have to tell Jeremy what happened.
ME: I can't! Who knows how he'll take it?
NATHAN: You were assaulted!
ME: Jackson will come up with some lie about me wanting it to happen.
NATHAN: That's ridiculous.
ME: Still, I want a break from the drama for a little bit. I'll tell Jeremy, just not right now.

That's when I noticed the guy behind the counter at the store staring at me.

Normally, I'd find it creepy, but he was a little...cute.

NATHAN: ...And they took him away.
ME: Huh?
NATHAN: Jeff.
ME: Jeff who?
NATHAN: The kid at my school. I was talking about my new school.
ME: Oh right, sorry.
NATHAN: Look, this whole thing with Jackson clearly has you distracted and--
VOICE: Excuse me?

We turned around to see the behind-the-counter guy walking towards us--actually, more like walking towards me.

COUNTER GUY: Are you looking to fill out an application?
NATHAN: Oh, no thanks.
ME: Um, I might be interested...in that.
COUNTER GUY: Great. I'm Kurt. I'm the store manager.
ME: Nice to meet you, Kurt.
COUNTER GUY/KURT: I'll go get an app from the back.

He disappeared. Nathan gave me a look.

ME: What?
NATHAN: You were smiling a little too much at that guy.
ME: Nooo, I was just thinking that maybe if I flirt a little and fill out an application, I can get a discount.
NATHAN: Ohhh, good thinking.

Nathan went to look at another sales rack, but while he was gone, Kurt popped back up with an application, and we got to talking...

You know, I could use a new job.

Welcome to RIC

Hi, my name is Nathan.

VALERIE: You must be Nathan.

This is my new school.

ME: You're Valerie, right? The department chair said you could show me around.

Rhode Island College--a totally new environment where I can start fresh and learn what it is to do theater without all the drama.

VALERIE: Oh look, it's James! Hi, Dumbass!
JAMES: Why don't you die?
VALERIE: Why don't you find a knife to fall on?
JAMES: I hope your lungs fail.

Um...

VALERIE: This is where we all sit and chat.
KRISTINA: Who's the new guy?
VALERIE: Why? Do you want to screw him like every other guy?
KRISTINA: Haven't you done that already? I'm not interested in your left-overs. They always taste like wilted lettuce.
VALERIE: Aw, the same color as your--
ME: HEY!

They both turned to look at me.

ME: Would anyone mind telling me where the bathroom is?
VALERIE: Yeah, down the stairs and to the right.
KRISTINA: Unless you need to puke, in which case, just do it right on Valerie.

Well...at least they say all this stuff to each other's faces.

ADRIANO: ...but not his pants!
HAYLEY: Ah-mazing.
ME: Um, I'm sorry.
ADRIANO: Oh! You're the new guy.
HAYLEY: Nice bone structure.
ME: Uh...thanks. Isn't this the men's room?
ADRIANO: It could be.
HAYLEY: We don't do the whole gender segregation thing here.
ADRIANO: Yeah, everybody sleeps with everybody.
ME: Fantastic.

Someone walked into the bathroom.

ME: Oh good, another guy.
DOUG: Hayley, stop hanging out in the men's room!
HAYLEY: Oh please, like I haven't seen--
ME: HEY!

Everybody turned to look at me. I've already screamed more times here than I did in two years at OSC.

ME: I'm not sure I can...go...with all of you here.
DOUG: Sorry, we'll clear out.
ADRIANO: You went to OSC?
ME: Yeah.
ADRIANO: Do you still talk to people there?
ME: Yeah, my boyfriend still goes there.
HAYLEY: Oh my God! Tell them Hayley and Antonio say hi.
ME: Have I met Antonio?
DOUG: It's Adriano's pseudonym.
ME: Wait, what?
DOUG: You don't want to know.

Everyone cleared out, but once I was done and washing my hands, I heard a voice from behind me.

VOICE: You can't stay here.

I turned around.

ME: I wasn't planning on staying. I was just washing my hands.
RANDOM GUY: I'm Jeff.
ME: Okay.
RANDOM GUY/JEFF: You have to get out of here. People are going to target you.
ME: Target me for what?
JEFF: I can't protect you. I'm next.
ME: Next for what? Is there some sort of hazing ritual I have to go through? Because I like the one where you crawl through guys' legs and--

The door to the bathroom opened.

VALERIE: There you are, Jeff!
JEFF: Oh God.
ALEX: You naughty boy.
VALERIE: Nathan, this is my boyfriend, Alex.
ALEX: Pleasure to meet you, Nathan. I hope Jeff hasn't been scaring you with his crazy drugged up nonsense talk.

Alex threw back his head and laughed.

I've never seen anyone actually do that.

JEFF: Excuse me, I have to go.

He tried walking by Alex and Valerie but they each grabbed one arm and spun him around.

VALERIE: But Jeff, we have a study session planned.
JEFF: No, we don't!
ALEX: There's that silly la la talk rearing its ugly head again.

He whispered something in Jeff's ear, and Jeff's eyes went wide.

JEFF: No, please--
VALERIE: We'll see you around, Nathan!

They left, and the door shut behind them.

...Okay, so maybe this isn't the freshest start after all.

Celebrity

Hi, my name is Carter.

VOICE: Oh my God!

I decided to go out after being in the hospital with Ritchie then at home with Ben trying to get him to relax.

Hank and I stopped by Prisms for a drink.

HANK: Carter, why is that guy pointing at you?
ME: Maybe he's never seen a black guy before?
HANK: We're not in Connecticut, Carter.

The guy came up to me while his two friends stood right behind him.

RANDOM GUY: Aren't you Mr. C?

Oh no.

ME: Uh...I don't know who that is.
RANDOM GUY: You totally are! Oh my God, I've watched your movie like--
HANK: Movie?
RANDOM GUY: Yeah. ' "C" is for-- '

I jumped off the bar stool and ran downstairs.

Tex was running the bar next to the dance floor.

ME: Hey Tex.
TEX: Hey Mr. Celebrity.
ME: Huh?
TEX: Check out the screen behind me.

And there I was--on both televisions above the downstairs bar.

On the screen, I was just making my exit.

MR. C: And maybe the next time we meet, YOU can hold the lasso.

From behind me, I heard applauding.

I turned around to see Hank standing there with a smile on his face.

HANK: Bravo, Mr. C.

Wow, fame really does suck.

What Your Lips Say

Hi, my name is Jackson.

BILLY: How exactly did this happen?

RITCHIE: Flur-de-manny-bebe.

Living arrangements have changed.

Ritchie is coming to stay with Jeremy to recuperate. For the time being, Paige and I are being allowed to stay at the apartment, because Ritchie is going to need at least three people to be on drool patrol. The doctors have him so doped up on morphine, he thinks he's Alf.

Joey is back at his apartment with Nathan, trying to pull himself together after getting slapped twice in under twenty-four hours.

I have a sinking feeling Adam is going to wind up there as well.

Davis is at his place with Jeremy probably having a deep conversation, because that's what those two do.

Carter, Eli, and Hank stayed at the hospital with Ben to try and figure out what the hell he was mumbling about in the hospital.

That left me and Billy to take Ritchie back to his new rehab center aka my old apartment.

After we had dropped him on Jeremy's bed, I collapsed on the couch in the living room. Billy sat down next to me.

BILLY: God, does this place ever calm down?

ME: You mean the apartment?

BILLY: Yeah.

ME: Oh, well don't worry. Now that you convinced Jeremy to kick out his family.

I stood up and went into the kitchen so I could go eat my feelings then have a reason to go to the gym later and check out guys in the sauna.

Billy followed me.

BILLY: I didn't convince him of anything.

ME: Give me a break. He loved having us here.

BILLY: Yeah, because you're such a pleasure to live with, Jackson.

ME: I'm his family. I'm his brother. You're an infatuation he hasn't outgrown yet.

BILLY: He loves me.

ME: And do you love him?

BILLY: Of course I do.

I got right in his face. His body went back against the counter.

ME: And how do you feel about me?

BILLY: I can't stand you.

ME: Funny. Considering Jeremy and I are identical.

BILLY: Only in appearance.

ME: You're right. I'm a lot more aggressive.

He tried to push by him, but I pushed him back. I saw the blood rush into his face. I could almost feel the heat start to pulsate off him.

BILLY: Get away from me.

ME: Is that what you want?

BILLY: Yes.

ME: You could get by me if you wanted to.

BILLY: Move, Jackson.

He pushed me, I pushed back, and this time I grabbed his arms and held them down against his sides.

BILLY: Let me go.

ME: You like this, don't you?

I could feel it. He liked it like this. I could just tell.

BILLY: You're sick.

ME: You want it.

BILLY: Get away from me.

ME: Shut up.

BILLY: Get--

I flipped him around, and put my hand over his mouth.

He struggled for show, but then his back pushed up against mine. I ripped the zipper down on his jeans, and yanked his pants down.

My teeth went down into his neck.

And I just kept thinking that this would show Jeremy who he was really dating. A freakshow just waiting for the circus to roll into town.

VOICE: What are you guys doing?

I looked over and saw Ritchie standing in the doorway.

Then I felt myself thrown to the floor. Billy had shoved me down. He was pulling up his jeans.

BILLY: Ritchie, call Jeremy.

RITCHIE: What?

ME: Yeah, go ahead. Call him. Tell him his boyfriend just begged me for it.

BILLY: You're a sick FUCK!

RITCHIE: What happened?

BILLY: Isn't it FUCKING obvious?

Silence.

BILLY: He just assaulted me.

I couldn't help it.

I laughed.

E.R.

Hi, my name is Ben.

BILLY: He fell three flights?

Ritchie's not dead.

JACKSON: Luckily the hedges broke his fall.
PAIGE: That or he's not human.
ME: Let's not rule anything out.

We were in the hospital waiting to see him.

Davis was being questioned by the police regarding Ritchie's fall, but the rest of us were talking about something else entirely.

PAIGE: I can't believe Davis hit Joey.
JEREMY: Paige, he didn't really hit him--
PAIGE: Oh my God, are you defending him?
JACKSON: Of course he is. It's Davis.
JEREMY: It was a SLAP. Not a hit. And it's not like he...

Silence.

PAIGE: Not like he what? Hit a woman? So that makes it okay?
JEREMY: I didn't say that.
BILLY: Guys, let's just calm down.
JACKSON: Jeremy, you can't slap OR hit the person you're dating.
JEREMY: I'm pretty sure you've slapped your fair share of people, Jackson.
JACKSON: This isn't about me.
JEREMY: How convenient.
PAIGE: HE THREW SOMEONE OFF A PATIO!

Everyone turned and looked at Paige.

Luckily, the moment was broken by Adam walking into the waiting room.

ADAM: Is he okay?

Davis saw Adam and lunged. It took almost all of us to restrain him, and the cops had to take him out and put him in a police car.

PAIGE: Still think he's the wounded party?
JEREMY: Fuck off, Paige.

Everyone gasped. Jeremy barely ever says stuff like that.

Joey came out of Ritchie's room.

JOEY: He can see us now.

Jeremy walked up to Joey and slapped him across the face. More gasping.

JEREMY: Everyone else may think you're a victim, but I don't. You're a nasty, manipulative, promiscuous little bitch who ruins everything he touches.
ADAM: Jeremy, get away from him.
JOEY: You always defend Davis.
JEREMY: Yeah, and you just fuck him.
BILLY: Jeremy, you're out of line.
JEREMY: SHUT UP, BILLY!

Billy shrank back looking really hurt.

Jeremy pointed his finger right at Joey.

JEREMY: If he goes to jail because you can't keep your dick in your pants and not parade it around town, I'll kill you myself, and this time you'll stay dead. Got it?

He started to walk away, then turned around.

JEREMY: Oh, and by the way, that bald patch on your head is really starting to grow. You should look into that.

Holy shit.

Jeremy just became a full-blown queen.

VOICE: We have a trauma here!

I turned around to see a guy on a gurney coming through the double doors.

Suddenly, I was back in Los Angeles...

DOCTOR: What's his name?
ME: Uh...Taylor...he, uh...
DOCTOR: SPEAK, KID, SPEAK!
ME: He got shot!
DOCTOR: How?
ME: Me! I shot him! I shot him!

That was when I snapped out of it, and realized I was still screaming.

ME: I SHOT HIM! I SHOT HIM!

Jackson ran over to me, and grabbed me.

JACKSON: Ben, what are you talking about? Who did you shoot?

I couldn't catch my breath. I fell to the ground.

PAIGE: Somebody help!

The last thing I saw was that image in my mind of Taylor.

Laying on a gurney.

Blood...everywhere.

Going Offline

Hi, my name is Davis.

ADAMSAPPLE: You're sooo cute ;)

I'm about to f**king lose it.

I went over Joey's place to have dinner. It was supposed to be our big reunion dinner, but plans changed when I spilled some wine on me.

JOEY: Go throw on a t-shirt in my room.

His computer was up, and there it was--

A conversation he'd been having with Adam.

KIDJO: I'm so sorry you walked in on me and Davis at Nathan's party.

ADAMSAPPLE: Hey, it's cool. Be with whoever you want.

KIDJO: I don't know what I want--I think I want you.

Oh wait, it gets better.

KIDJO: I think about kissing you all the time.

The words started to jump out at me.

"All the time"

"Kiss"

"I want you"

VOICE: Davis, are you okay?

When I went back into the living room, Joey was out on the patio. I walked right up to him and slapped him across the face.

ME: Are you trying to make a fool out of me?

JOEY: You hit me.

ME: Oh, shut up. I slapped you. You're lucky I didn't knock your--

VOICE: Hey!

I turned around to see Ritchie coming towards me.

RITCHIE: Did you just slap him?

ME: This is private.

RITCHIE: The hell it is. Get out.

ME: Back off, Ritchie.

RITCHIE: This is my apartment too, and you're leaving.

JOEY: Ritchie, it's--

RITCHIE: He's gone.

He tried to grab me, and I was so full of adrenaline, I pulled him into me instead, and flung him to the side.

JOEY: Davis, no!

He went right over the side of the patio.

Three floors down.

I looked at Joey.

JOEY: Davis, what did you do?

Oh God...

I killed Ritchie.