The Truth About Billy

Hi, my name is Billy.

Knock, Knock.

I want to tell you a story.

BEN: Hey Billy.
JACKSON: We came to--
ME: I know why you came.
RITCHIE: You do?
ME: Come on in.
NATHAN: Uh...okay.

They walked into my room, where Davis, Jeremy, Hank, Eli, and Carter were already assembled.

JACKSON: What's going on?
ME: I just figured the truth might as well all come out at once.
BEN: You went to Slice tonight.
ME: Yeah, I did.
NATHAN: Because you had something to do with Cal's disappearance.
ME: I wanted to see if Cal would actually show up.
RITCHIE: So you know that Cal is Wilde?
ME: I know he claimed he was.

Jeremy raised his hand.

JEREMY: Am I the only one here who's totally confused?
DAVIS: What the hell is going on?
ELI: Why were you guys at Slice?
HANK: Cal was Wilde?
CARTER: Oowwww...head...banging...

I took a deep breath.

ME: Let me start from the beginning...

It all started after Jeremy left for New York.

-- FLASHBACK --

Knock, Knock.

CAL: I thought you could use a friend.
ME: Why? Jeremy didn't die. He's just away for the summer.
CAL: Could be a long summer then. We should buddy up.
ME: I think I'll be doing enough of that with Davis.

Little did I know.

CAL: So you're saying I brought over Hedwig and nachos for nothing?
ME: Park yourself on the sofa. I'll get the root beer.

Cal and I had a lot of fun that night. I didn't really know much about him until then, but he really opened up to me. Once you got past the obnoxious facade, he really wasn't that bad of a guy.

CAL: It's three am already. Wow.
ME: Time flies, I guess.
CAL: Yeah, I guess it does.

Jeremy wasn't going to be back for three months. I remember thinking that this would be my last chance to go wild and be young before I entered into what was probably going to be a really long relationship.

ME: Don't go.
CAL: Billy--
ME: Stay. Please.

He did. He stayed that night, and many nights after that one.

I thought I could handle it.

But I was wrong.

-----

ME: What do you mean you're blackmailing him?
CAL: I know something about Murray. Something that could get him in major trouble.
ME: You mean fired?
CAL: Worse than fired, Billy.

We were laying in bed one night and he told me what he was doing to Murray. That was how he got the director's spot on the Mainstage at school.

ME: Cal, you've got to stop.
CAL: No way. Not until after my show goes up. Nobody at this school takes me seriously. Well, they're going to now that I can make or break them.
ME: Listen to you. You sound like a crazy person.
CAL: Like you wouldn't do the same.
ME: No! I wouldn't! I have morals.
CAL: Do you think Jeremy would feel that way?

I could see that the nasty side of his personality had a way of winning out whenever somebody looked down on him or showed any sort of power over him.

ME: You know what? Just leave.
CAL: Billy, come on.
ME: I'm serious. I don't want any part of this--or you--unless you stop what you're doing.
CAL: Look, this is--
ME: I don't want to hear it, Cal!

He got out of bed and started to put his clothes on.

CAL: Fine, but hear this. I have something on you now, Billy. You know how everyone would feel if they found out what we've been doing all this time. It would break little Jeremy's heart, and then nobody would want anything to do with you. Keep that in mind the next time you tell someone how immoral they're being.

He hadn't even closed the door, and I'd already realized what I'd done.

-----

ME: You're not going to tell him anything, do you understand me?

It was at Jeremy's Homecoming party. I had just finished talking to Jeremy when Cal pulled me into the bathroom--begging me not to get back with Jeremy because he wanted me back for himself. He was threatening to tell Jeremy that we'd slept together.

CAL: I love you. Don't you understand?
ME: I understand that you're crazy.
CAL: Let's see if Jeremy thinks I'm crazy, huh?

I couldn't let that happen. Jeremy was acting funny about us, but I knew that if Cal talked to him any chance of us getting together would be ruined.

I slammed him up against the wall. He pushed me back, and we nearly fell right into the shower. He was strong. Stronger than me.

Cal made a run for the door, but I grabbed him by his waist and pulled him back to the wall. I put all my weight into my back, and leaned so that he went over me and out the open window.

I panicked. I looked down and saw Cal lying on the ground unconscious.

The pills he had brought into the bathroom to take were lying on the sink. I picked them up and scattered them on the floor so it would look like he had done something drastic.

Then I called out--

ME: Guys! Come look!

By the time they got to the bathroom, Cal had disappeared.

Not for long though.

-----

The phone calls started late at night.

CAL: You're going to pay for what you did.
ME: Cal, where are you?
CAL: You broke my heart.
ME: I wish I had broken your back.
CAL: I just bet you do.
ME: Stop hiding. What are you trying to accomplish?
CAL: Oh, don't worry. You'll see.

And then Joey died...

CAL: You could have stopped it.
ME: How?
CAL: You don't know what you set in motion.
ME: Tell me what's going on!
CAL: It's bigger than you. It's so much bigger than you can even imagine.
ME: If anybody else gets hurt--
CAL: Hurt? Are you kidding? Joey's dead. And he won't be the last one.
ME: You're responsible for this.
CAL: No, Billy. Trust me. You're responsible. Whether you understand why, or not.

-----

The next phone call came the night Murray was arrested.

ME: Did you plant the evidence to get Murray arrested?
CAL: I didn't need to.
ME: But he didn't kill you. You disappeared.
CAL: He would have killed me.
ME: That's not the same thing.
CAL: Sure it is. I'm dead, aren't I?
ME: So I'm talking to a ghost?
CAL: For all intents and purposes, you sure are.
ME: I'm going to tell the police that you're alive.
CAL: Go ahead. Then watch the body count rise.
ME: You're scaring me.
CAL: Did you really think you could tangle with Wilde and not get caught in the web?
ME: Wait, what are you saying?
CAL: You never wondered about who Wilde might be?
ME: So you're saying it's--
CAL: Good-bye Billy.

That was the last time we spoke.

-----

NATHAN: He was texting Joey. Telling him that you were dangerous.
RITCHIE: He wanted you to confess what you did.
ME: What I did was wrong, but I had nothing to do with Joey dying.
DAVIS: So why did you go to Slice tonight?
ME: I got the e-mail forwarded to me about the Wilde party.
ELI: Wilde party--hah!

We all looked at Eli. Now was not the time.

ME: I wanted to see if I could confront Cal. He basically admitted to me that he was Wilde.
JACKSON: This is insane.
BEN: He was blackmailing Murray?
HANK: We have to tell the police.
ME: I was going to, but I didn't know what he was capable of.
CARTER: Look what he did at the pageant.
JEREMY: It doesn't matter. We can't let Murray sit in jail for murdering someone whose still alive.

We all talked about it and agreed we'd go to the police station the next day. It was late at that point, and everybody started to leave.

The last person to hang around was Jeremy.

ME: Look, I--
JEREMY: We both made mistakes. Lots of them. I'm not going to yell at you for it like you're a little kid. I mean...it's pointless.
ME: I am sorry, Jeremy. I wish I could have been the guy you thought I was.
JEREMY: I would have loved whoever you were. It wouldn't have mattered to me. I can love the truth. I just can't love a lie.

He shut the door behind him, and I sat down on my bed.

Part of me felt relieved, but another part of me felt like I had just done something horrible.

How to Catch a Blogger

Hi, my name is Nathan.

You've invited...

I'm about to catch Wilde a.k.a. Cal a.k.a. the Guy who Shot Up the Mr. Providence Pageant a.k.a. the Recently Murdered Queen Who's Been Making Life a Living Hell.

We'll just call him Wilde.

...to the Hottest V.I.P. party in town. The theme?

Here's the bait.

We Hate Wilde.

There is not a gay man in the world who wouldn't show up at a party thrown in his dishonor. Ritchie, Jackson, and the newest member of the Catch Wilde Club--Ben, were all in attendance.

We talked Davis into talking to the owner of Slice. He let us have the V.I.P. room one rainy Monday night, and we told him that if anyone showed up asking for the "Special Event" to send him straight into the V.I.P. room where we could pounce on him.

RITCHIE: Now how do we know the invitation got to Wilde?
JACKSON: I forwarded it to him. I made it seem like I was looking for brownie points.
BEN: If he finds out what we're doing--
ME: It won't matter because he faked his own death.
BEN: Are you guys really sure that Cal is Wilde?
JACKSON: These two are. I just jumped onboard because Wilde screwed me by playing Hank and me against each other.
RITCHIE: Cal is Wilde. He knew things that only Wilde could know.
ME: Besides, it makes sense. Cal was always a troublemaker.
BEN: But Wilde was around long before any of us knew Cal.
JACKSON: He could have just been lurking in the wings.
RITCHIE: Yeah, think less 90210 and more One Tree Hill.

There was a knock on the door. Crank, the bartender--not his really name, which I believe is Petie--poked his head in the room.

CRANK: Hey guys, the owner left so I'm in charge of your party.
ME: Thanks Crank.
CRANK: By the way, someone just showed up a couple of minutes ago and left.
JACKSON: What?!
BEN: Why did he leave?
CRANK: He asked me how many people were here and I told him.
RITCHIE: Why did you do that?! Once he heard there were only four of us he probably figured out that it was a trap!
CRANK: Sorry man. I didn't realize you were trapping someone. You can probably still catch him if you--

Ben was already out the door. Ever since he got out of the hospital, he's been more anxious about finding the person who shot him--especially since that person could also be responsible for Joey's death.

We all ran out after him into the rain, but there was no sign of him.

I went back inside and talked to Crank.

ME: What did this guy look like?
CRANK: Kind of like that guy that was dating Davis for awhile.
ME: You're going to have to be more specific. That could apply to half the town.
CRANK: The young one with the fancy socks who always orders root beer.
VOICE: Billy?

I turned around to see Ben standing soaking wet in the doorway. We hadn't told him that Cal had been texting Joey warning him about Billy, because there didn't seem to be any reason for it. We just figured Cal was trying to confuse people. Now maybe there was more to it than that.

BEN: So Billy is Wilde?

Jackson and Ritchie walked back into the club looking terror-stricken.

ME: What's wrong?
RITCHIE: I just got a text from Hank. Wilde just did a Twitter update.
ME: Just now?
JACKSON: It's a pretty succinct update.

Ritchie got on his Blackberry and showed me.

"Wilde is...hoping you all steer clear of Jackson, Ritchie, Nathan and Ben. Apparently they've all been playing dirty, and now they've got full-blown--"

ME: HERPES?
JACKSON: That bitch has crossed the line.
RITCHIE: Did he have to pick something incurable?
BEN: I'm going to talk to Billy.

I told Jackson and Ritchie what Crank said.

RITCHIE: That doesn't make any sense.
BEN: NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE!
JACKSON: I'm with Ben. Let's go talk to Billy. You two should have done that a lot sooner.
RITCHIE: Hey don't criticize us. We're not Nick and Nora.
JACKSON: Who?
ME: Look, let's not all turn on each other. We need to sit down and figure out--
BEN: Enough. I'm going to Billy's. Anyone coming with me?
JACKSON: I'm in.
RITCHIE: Me too.
ME: Ritchie!
RITCHIE: Someone has to stop them from killing him!

So the mob headed over to Billy's.

Tug of War

Hi, my name is Carter.

HANK: I miss being on top.
ME: You mean--
HANK: Shut up, Carter.

I'm back at work, selling shots, and consoling Hank. Ever since Davis got crowned Mr. Providence, nobody's been interested in getting into Hank's pants.

HANK: I was Number One.
ME: That was just Wilde's opinion. Hank's the new special breakfast.
HANK: You mean the flavor of the week?
ME: Oh...yeah.
HANK: It's scary that I know exactly what you mean.

That was when I looked down on the dance floor and saw the hottest guy ever--in life.

ME: Gotta go, Hank.
HANK: Vaya con dios, Slutty.

I ran down to the dance floor and started dancing near my new love. He caught my eye, and pretty soon we were all up on each other like--

VOICE: CARTER!

I felt somebody grab me. I tumbled off the box, and landed right in Eli's arms.

ME: Eli, can I call you later?
ELI: No! You need to stay away from that boy.
ME: What boy?
ELI: The one you were--
ME: Oh! But I love him.
ELI: His name is Liam.
ME: That's a beautiful name.
ELI: I know him.
ME: Well, I'm going to have to fight you for him.
ELI: He's sixteen.

Eeeee......

ME: Why didn't you open with that?

I heard someone jump down behind me, and I was moved from Eli's arms to Liam's.

LIAM: I'll take it from here.
ME: Liam, put me down. You're a kid.
LIAM: I'm sorry. Are old people what's in style nowadays? Last time I checked we were in a youth-oriented culture.
ME: What does that mean?
ELI: Liam, how did you even get in here?
LIAM: Flirted with the doorman, obvi. But this place is so snooze. Me and my new boy are going to beat it. Sorry Eli, I have to move on with my life.

He started walking away with me when I felt someone grab me by arm.

ELI: Liam, drop the little black boy.
ME: Eli, you're tugging my arm.
LIAM: Back off, Eli. I'd hate to have to tell everyone at the Center that you and I pulled a George Michael.
ELI: You're sixteen! How do you even know who George Michael is?
ME: Guys, I'm in pain.
LIAM: I cultivate a mature personality so as to disillusion people and then strike.
ELI: So basically, you're a gay cobra.
LIAM: That's right. Now are you going to let go or am I going to have to bare fangs?

They started tugging at me. I thought I was going to get pulled apart. Everyone on the dance floor was shouting and placing bets on which part of me was going to come loose first.

VOICE: KNOCK IT OFF!

Everyone turned to see Hank walk over, pluck me from the two boys, and put me down.

HANK: Thank me later.

I ran--but I still couldn't stop thinking about Liam.

Mmmm....

Family Feud

Hi, my name is Jackson.

JEREMY:  Did you eat the last of the peanut butter?

Living with my brother isn't always easy.

ME:  I might have.

JEREMY:  That was my peanut butter.

ME:  I said I might have.  I didn't say I did.  I definitely ate peanut butter, but I believe there was some left.

JEREMY:  Not enough for a peanut butter sandwich.

ME:  Maybe if half of it were jelly, you wouldn't have that problem.  But you have to be different and just eat straight up peanut butter like a freak.

As you can tell, in our family, we don't mince words.

We've all been on edge since the Mr. Providence pageant.  I think Jeremy's taking it the worst of all.  Things with Billy are stalled, he and Davis are still acting odd towards each other despite Davis' nice touch of sentiment at the pageant, and Ben can't decide if he wants to be my brother's best friend, his enemy, or his bow-chica-bow-boy.

In addition to that, we have our houseguest--

PAIGE:  Who wants peanut butter cookies?

--Our little sister.

JEREMY:  Paige, that was my peanut butter.

PAIGE:  But I made you cookies!

JEREMY:  I don't want cookies.  I want a peanut butter sandwich.

ME:  So go buy some more peanut butter, and stop whining!

JEREMY:  I'LL WHINE IF I WANT TO!

Jeremy's bedroom door opened and a rather lovely looking young man poked his head out.

HOTTIE:  Hey Paige, mind if I take a shower?

Jeremy and I paused our bickering and turned to our sister.

ME:  Uh, Paige...?

PAIGE:  He's just a friend.

JEREMY:  He's naked.

PAIGE:  We met at the supermarket.

ME:  The supermarket?

PAIGE:  I was buying the cookie dough.  We both reached for the same tube.

ME:  Then you came back here and reached for his--?

JEREMY:  Jackson!

The hottie went back into the bedroom and slammed the door.

JEREMY:  Paige, that is my bed you're...doing whatever you're doing on.

PAIGE:  Well somebody should be having sex on it.  God knows you're not.

ME:  Our little sister is a whore, Jeremy.

PAIGE:  Like you two sluts can talk.  I'm going to go shower with Cookies 'N Cream then I'm going to watch Idol.  Join if you wish.

She walked into the bedroom and shut the door.

JEREMY:  We have to get rid of her.

ME:  Do you still have that crucifix I gave you as a gag gift?

There was a knock at the door.

ME:  That's my date.

JEREMY:  You have a date?

ME:  We may be identical, but with a little hair gel and jeans that fit, I manage to do much better than you in the love department, Jeremy.

JEREMY:  So which one of my friends are you boinking tonight?

I opened the door to the apartment.

SKYLER:  Ready to go?

JEREMY:  Skyler?

ME:  I'm ready.

SKYLER:  Mind if I use your bathroom first?

ME:  Sure.  Just be careful.  My little sister is having sex in the shower.

SKYLER:  I can wait.

Jeremy looked like he was about to kill me.  What else is new?

JEREMY:  Jackson, can I speak to you in the kitchen?

ME:  Sure.

The entire kitchen smelled like peanut butter--and sex.  I reminded myself to ask Paige if her little party extended beyond Jeremy's bedroom.

JEREMY:  You're going out with Skyler?

ME:  I figured you were done with him since you have...you know...three other guys circling you like little flaming planets at all times?

JEREMY:  I just--I just--haven't had a chance to deal with--Skyler.

ME:  He doesn't need to be dealt with; he needs to be slept with, and I'm happy to oblige.

JEREMY:  No way.  I am not signing off on this.

ME:  It's not a UPS package...or is it?

JEREMY:  I'm serious, Jackson.

ME:  So am I.  I'm going out with Skyler, and there's nothing you can do about it.

He slapped me.

No, I'm not kidding.  He really did.  He slapped me.

Well, I wasn't going to let that sit.  So I slapped him back.

Then he slapped me, and--

SKYLER:  Guys, stop!

I don't know how it happened, but somehow Jeremy and I wound up rolling around on the kitchen floor getting slaps in wherever we could and beating each other with the spatula and the cookie tin sitting on the counter that we managed to work into our fight.

Skyler was trying to get us apart, but he wasn't too successful.  Then I felt water pouring over me.

I jumped off Jeremy and found Paige and her Hottie standing in the kitchen in nothing but towels.  Paige was holding my wine bucket.

PAIGE:  Don't worry.  They used to bitchfight all the time when they were kids.  They would play Melrose Place.  Jeremy was always Jane and Jackson was Sydney.  By the way, I'm Paige, and you are--?

SKYLER:  Uh, Skyler.

PAIGE:  Oh, you're cute!  Let's be friends.

Jeremy was moaning.

JEREMY:  I think Jackson hit me in the spleen.

ME:  Oh shut up.  Now we're both soaked.

Paige giggled.

PAIGE:  No problem.  Me and Skyler will go out to dinner and you two can sit here and chill out.  Sound good?

SKLYER:  I'm in.

PAIGE:  I'll go put on clothes.

HOTTIE:  What about me?

PAIGE:  Oh, I'm done with you.  It was swell!  Later!

Paige grabbed Sklyer's hand and dragged him into Jeremy's bedroom.

I looked at her half-naked boy.

ME:  I'd be happy to entertain you while--

JEREMY:  Jackson!

ME:  Never mind.

Nobody spoils a good time like family.

A Shot in the Dark

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: Do you have any idea how lucky you are?

I've just been shot.

ME: Lucky? I got run over by a car and shot in less than a year. I don't know if 'lucky' is the word I'd use for myself.

All the CBQ's were gathered around my hospital bed. The bullet hit my leg. It bled a lot, but there won't be any lasting damage.

ME: Did they find the guy who did it?
JEREMY: He had an easy get-away. There were people everywhere.
BILLY: The entire hotel emptied out in the streets. By the time the police got there--
HANK: Long gone.
ME: Great.

Davis was lingering in the back of the room looking nervous.

ME: Davis, what's wrong?
DAVIS: Nothing. I just--I think I went into shock or something.
RITCHIE: Why do you say that?
DAVIS: I thought I saw something that I couldn't have seen.

Ritchie and Nathan exchanged a look.

NATHAN: Did you see the shooter?
DAVIS: Uh...no. No, I didn't. I just--it was just crazy.
ELI: Wow, you never look this shaken up.
DAVIS: Maybe I'm just getting sick of all this drama. Our lives have turned into Falcon Crest.
JEREMY: I don't think anyone ever actually got shot on Falcon Crest, Davis.

I decided now might be a good time to milk my injury a little.

ME: Is there any way I could talk to Jeremy for a second?
JEREMY: Sure.

Everybody filed out of the room.

ME: Do you feel sorry for me?
JEREMY: Not sorry enough to take you back, no.
ME: You know, when the bullet hit me and I passed out; my life kind of flashed before my eyes.
JEREMY: That should have been fun. You like horror movies.
ME: Mostly what I remember is when you and I first met. Before Billy showed up and all Hell broke loose. We were friends.
JEREMY: We're still friends.
ME: Not like we were.
JEREMY: Is that a surprise to you?
ME: I want that back.
JEREMY: Ben, you're lucky we even still speak to each other.

I took his hand.

ME: I know I screwed up, and I know I've been forgiven for a lot of stuff, but I just need one more. I need one more chance with you.
JEREMY: No way.
ME: Not as a boyfriend. Just...to be in your life...to not have you hate me.

He took a deep breath.

JEREMY: Okay.
ME: Okay?
JEREMY: Okay. One more shot. Pardon the pun.

I laughed.

ME: Can we seal it with a kiss?
JEREMY: Ben--
ME: Fine. It was just a shot in the dark.
JEREMY: Ben!
ME: Hey! I'm the one that took it.

There was a knock on the door. Ritchie, Nathan, and Jackson were standing there.

RITCHIE: Can we get a second?
JACKSON: Or are you two going to do it right there in the bed?
ME: He cheated. We're not getting back together. I'm not Nathan.
NATHAN: Hey!

Jeremy smiled, winked at me, and left the room.

ME: So what's up guys?

Nathan sat down on my bed.

NATHAN: I think we need your help.
ME: With that?
RITCHIE: Finding out what happened to Cal.
ME: Why would I care about that?
JACKSON: Because we think he's the reason you got shot.
ME: Huh? How?
NATHAN: This is where we tell you it's a long story.

I laid back in bed.

ME: I got nothing but time, boys.

When Davis Won the Crown

Hi, my name is Davis.

JACKSON: We've come to the talent portion of the evening.

I'm about to win the first Mr. Providence competition.

Jackson devised this little pageant to bring about a sense of sophistication in the gay community. Yet somehow Carter is in the final two with me.

We were standing next to each other on a small stage in the Wonder Hotel's Grand Ballroom, which has been turned into a little theater for the night.

All the CBQ's are in the audience, except for Jackson, who's emceeing as well as judging. Jeremy and Billy are the other two judges.

Considering I just cheated on Billy, and with Jeremy's boyfriend, it's surprising how certain I am that I'm going to win the title tonight.

But then again, I'm Davis.

JACKSON: Carter's talent involves--what else--the 'Single Ladies' dance.

While Carter was showcasing his tackiness, I ran backstage and made sure my presentation was ready.

ME: Thanks for helping me with this, Paige.
PAIGE: Oh my God, does this mean you two are getting back together? Because that would make me sooo happy. We could be in-laws. I want as much of my family to be gay as possible.
ME: I'm just shooting for an emotion below hatred at this point.
PAIGE: Works for me!

After Carter was done, Jackson smirked at me. He had no idea what I had planned.

JACKSON: And now let's see what Mr. Davis has up his sleeve. Take it away, John.

I HATE when anyone uses my first name, but I smiled anyway, and took the microphone.

ME: I would say my biggest talent is being an asshole.
ELI: Amen!
ME: But tonight, I would like to use the time I've been given--though I know it may cost me the crown--to showcase a real talent. A person who brings out the best in me, which definitely beats plate spinning or tap dancing.
ELI: Shut ya face!
ME: Ladies and gentlemen, a tribute.

The lights dimmed, and a screen came down. Photos of Jeremy and I played--one after another set to some cheesy song Paige picked out.

I looked over and Jeremy was misty-eyed. Even Billy looked touched.

You know the great thing about being a jerk? When you're NOT a jerk, people appreciate it way more.

The lights came back up, and there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

A few minutes later, they announced the winner.

JACKSON: Despite one judge's vigorous objections, a winner has been crowned. That winner--is John Davis.

The room erupted in applause. Jackson came over and handed me my crown.

JACKSON: As soon as I find scandalous photos of you, I'm going to Vanessa Williams your ass.
ME: Good luck with that.

I took my walk down the runway, sauntering proudly.

That was when I saw him in the back of the room.

ME: Cal?

Before I could get anyone's attention, the gun came out of his pocket.

ME: Jesus...

The first shot went past my right shoulder. The second grazed my arm.

Immediately, there was panic. More shots rang out.

Everyone ran towards the doors. I felt someone knock me down. I tried looking around to see where Cal had run off to--but how was it possible that he was even here? He was supposed to be dead.

One more shot rang out, and then there was just screaming and people calling for help.

Finally, I got out from underneath--Carter?

ME: Carter, you saved my life?
CARTER: I wasn't thinking.
ME: I'll take that as a compliment.

I stood up and tried looking around to see if anyone was hurt.

That was when I saw all the CBQ's gathered together, and the pool of blood seeping out from whoever they were standing over.

Hank turned around and caught my eye. He looked terrified.

Then he yelled--

HANK: SOMEBODY GET AN AMBULANCE!

And that was when I saw who'd been shot.

It Happens All the Time

Hi, my name is--

BILLY: Jeremy.
ME: Billy?
BILLY: I can't wait anymore.

Before I knew it, he had slammed the door behind him, pushed me onto the couch, and was tearing my clothes off.

Needless to say, this was not how I expected my Monday night at home to transpire.

We still going at it on the couch when the door opened, and who should come through but--

BILLY: Jackson!
ME: Uh--
MY BROTHER: What the hell are you doing?
ME: What does it look like?

Paige popped her head in the door.

PAIGE: We went shopping! Oh my God, were you guys doing it?
ME: I thought 'doing it' was a retired term.
BILLY: Look, Jeremy and I have--
MY BROTHER: What are you talking about? I'm Jeremy.
BILLY: Huh?
ME: Yeah, about that.

Hey, I never said I was Jeremy. Never assume, kids.

PAIGE: Don't worry. It used to happen to me all the time, and I'm their sister! I'm Paige by the way.
JEREMY: This is horrific.
BILLY: How do you think I feel?
PAIGE: Cold? Considering you're not really dressed?

Billy grabbed his clothes and ran into the bathroom. I pulled a pillow over myself.

JEREMY: Did you even bother trying to stop in?
ME: Jeremy, I swear, he wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise.
PAIGE: You two are running a little gay hothouse up in here!
ME: Up in here? Where have you been living with Mom? Oakland?
PAIGE: PS! Boy in the bathroom?
JEREMY: Billy.
PAIGE: Love him. So cute. What an ass. Okay, dinner time. Who's cooking?

I was trying to gauge how devastated my brother was.

ME: Do you hate me?
JEREMY: Why should I? He's just the love of my life. Everyone else has slept with him except me. Paige, you want to have a go at him?
PAIGE: Um, let me see how I feel after dinner. Anyone want chicken? I could go for chicken.
ME: I'm moving out.

Billy came out of the bathroom and nearly stormed right out of the apartment.

JEREMY: Aren't we going to talk about this?
BILLY: What's to talk about? We're not meant to be. Every time we even try, something horrible happens. You hop a train to New York. Murray gets arrested for murder. I molest your twin brother--
PAIGE: This is so O.C. circa Season Two.

Jeremy put his hand on Billy's shoulder. It was a tender moment. Too bad I was there naked on the couch ruining it the entire time.

JEREMY: We just keep missing each other, I guess.
BILLY: Maybe we're just meant to be missing each other, Jeremy. I'm sorry.

He walked out, and shut the door behind him.

PAIGE: Ohhh heartbreaking! PS! Are all your friends gay? Because Mama's going to need some candy cane if she's going to hang around the chocolate palace for awhile.

I didn't know what my sister said, but I felt vomit rising up my esophagus.

This Is Our Youth

Hi, my name is Eli.

LIAM:  Hey Eli, I'm Liam.

I have decided to give back.

After all the negativity I've seen in the recent weeks, I thought it would be a good idea to do something to make the world a better place.

So I volunteered to be a mentor in the RI-TRI Youth Division.

To show what a good role model I am, I showed up for my first appointment at the RI-TRI offices ten minutes late.  Lesson #1:  Always Keep 'Em Waiting.

ME:  Are you who I'm supposed to be meeting with?

LIAM:  I'm your man.

ME:  Great.  So when do I get paired up with my little homo?

LIAM:  Well, we usually conduct an interview with you first.

ME:  Ugh.

LIAM:  Is that bad?

ME:  Interviews make me hella nervous.

LIAM:  Oh...Well, if there's anything I can do to help you destress...

Five minutes later, Liam and I exited the men's room--and I was feeling much better.  Liam went to get the materials for the interview, but I had a feeling I was going to ace it now.  Then I ran into Skyler.

SKYLER:  God hates me.

ME:  So do I.  What are you doing here?

SKYLER:  I'm a counselor.

ME:  Wow, that makes two of us.

SKYLER:  You're a counselor?

ME:  Well, I still have to do the interview, but I think--

SKYLER:  With your Little Brother?

ME:  Pardon?

SKYLER:  The interview with your Little Brother.  You haven't done it yet?

ME:  Uh, isn't the interview with, like, the higher-ups?

SKYLER:  Nooo.  What gave you that idea?

I felt a tap on my shoulder.

LIAM:  Ready for the interview?

SKYLER:  Oh, you're partnering with Liam?  Excellent.  I was afraid we'd never find him a mentor.

My entire body froze.  I dragged Skyler into the men's room--or as some may call it--the scene of the crime.

ME:  Why--uh--why were you afraid you'd never find him a mentor?

SKYLER:  Because he hits on all of them and usually they're too tempted to continue mentoring him.  I mean, he is a really attractive kid for someone his age.  Not to be creepy.

Creepy--ahhh!  I'm creepy!

ME:  How old is he?

SKYLER:  Sixteen.

ME:  JESUS!

SKYLER:  I know.  Just be careful around him.  The last mentor we gave him wound up in jail.  Hahaha...see you around.

Skyler left the men's room, and I leaned back against the sink.

I was in deep trouble and I hadn't even started the program yet.

The door opened and Liam appeared.

ME:  Look Liam, I don't think--

LIAM:  You have two choices.  Keep doing what we just did, or I tell everyone you took advantage of me.

ME:  It doesn't sound like they'd buy that.

LIAM:  It doesn't matter.  I'm the boy, remember?

BOY!  HE SAID BOY!  AHHH!

ME:  Yeah, I remember.

LIAM:  Good.  After you're done helping me with my homework, you can go down on me in my Dad's car in the parking lot.  Just chew some gum or something first.  Your breath is rank.

He left.  I cried.

Life became a little bit more unfair.

Paige

Hi, my name is Hank.

JACKSON: Did somebody order a douchebag and not tell me?
ME: Very funny.

I showed up at Jeremy and Jackson's apartment unexpectedly in hopes of being there for the unexpected arrival of someone I phoned a few days ago.

JEREMY: Hey Hank, come on in.
ME: I really can't stay, Jeremy. I'm just here to meet someone.
JACKSON: Who?

That was when the elevator doors opened.

ME: Her.

Jeremy and Jackson gasped at the same time.

PAIGE: I'M HERE!!!

She ran right into Jackson, sending him flying to the floor. Paige isn't exactly what I expected. She's a cute blonde with big--well, you can imagine. Wilde told me I had to get Jackson out of town, and from what I've gathered, Paige might be the only one who can make him run in another direction.

JEREMY: PAIGE! What are you doing here?

Before she answered, she ran right into Jeremy. Then said--in one breath--

PAIGE: Oh my God! Your friend Hank called me and told me that you were cheated on and kidnapped and that Jackson fell through the floor and was being a total bitch which I completely believe because c'mon, he's Jackson. So I told Mom I had to come check out colleges in Rhode Island, which I still might do, but mainly I just want to hang with my two older brothers and meet all your friends, because I love gay guys, and oh my gosh, can I go to a gay club? Can you get me in one? That would be amazing. Where am I sleeping? On the couch? Can't I have one of your beds? I mean, I'm a girl. Let's be chivalrous, right?

She started walking towards Jackson's bedroom.

JACKSON: You called her?
ME: You can thank me later.

Paige stopped in the doorway and turned around.

PAIGE: God, you guys sooo need a girl around here to keep you in line.
JEREMY: Paige, you know we're glad to see you but--
PAIGE: Let's not bullshit, okay? It doesn't really matter if you're happy to see me. I'm here. I'm staying. So get ready to party. Love you!

She walked into the bedroom and shut the door.

ME: She seems like a delight.

Jeremy and Jackson shot daggers through my heart.

The feeling made me giggle.

What We Know

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

CARTER:  I can't believe they arrested Murray.

HANK:  I can't believe Cal was murdered.

ELI:  I can't believe they're canceling the school musical.

These are the Queens.

ELI:  Oh, like none of you were thinking it?

We were all gathered at the Cheesecake Factory after watching a press conference on television describing how Murray was being blackmailed by Cal, which was thought to be the motivation behind his murdering Cal.

Of course, Cal's not actually dead.

A little problem, I know.

BILLY:  What was he blackmailing him with?

JACKSON:  Apparently Murray and Cal were having a little fling.

NATHAN:  Ewww!

BEN:  Cal and Murray were sleeping together?

JEREMY:  No, Ben, they were just taking a pottery class together.

BEN:  But Cal's Cal and Murray is our professor and he's--

NATHAN:  See previous Ewww!

I kept trying to catch Nathan's glance.  We both knew that Cal was alive, he seemed to know something about Joey's death, and he might have been the most noteworthy gay blogger in Providence--Wilde.

So how was someone being charged for his murder?

DAVIS:  Someone phoned in an anonymous tip to the police.

Hmm, wonder who that could have been?

DAVIS:  Then they found the blackmail letters from Cal, and a blood-stained shirt that belonged to Cal in Murray's car.

Easy enough to plant.

CARTER:  Poor Cal.

HANK:  Great.  Now we have to replace another catty bitch.

ELI:  We could do a reality show.  Top Bitch?

I needed to get Nathan's attention.

ME:  Hey Jeremy, I'm so glad to see you putting aside your feelings.

JEREMY:  What are you talking about?

ME:  Well, this is the first time you, Ben, Davis, and Billy have all sat down together since the big blow-up at the surprise party.

Wait for it...

JEREMY:  Oh.

DAVIS:  Yeah.

BILLY:  Hadn't thought of that.

BEN:  Hmm...

5...4...3...2...1...

JEREMY:  BY THE WAY--

DAVIS:  OH PLEASE--

BILLY:  WAITER, CAN I HAVE A KNIFE?

BEN:  CHECK, PLEASE!

CARTER:  I WANT TO YELL TOO!

Before blood could be spilled on my new shirt, I grabbed Nathan and hauled him off to the men's room.  We both piled into one stall, and worked out a plan.

NATHAN:  There's nothing we can do.

I say 'plan' very loosely.

ME:  Nathan--

NATHAN:  Cal's gone.

ME:  But he's not!

NATHAN:  But we can't find him!  And now that everybody thinks he's been murdered, nobody's going to help us!

ME:  We have to do something.  An innocent man is going to go down for murder, and Cal set this whole thing up.

NATHAN:  But what does Billy have to do with this?

ME:  That's what we have to find out.

VOICE:  With a little help, I'm assuming?

We opened the stall door.

JACKSON:  Now don't you boys know secrets don't make friends?

This duo just became a trio.

So Here We Are Again

Hi, my name is Billy.

Knock, Knock.

Ever since I chased after Ben with a knife, I've been meditating on where I'm at.

Knock, Knock.

It's pretty depressing.

Knock, Knock.

ME: WHAT?

Somehow I knew when I flung open the door, that he would be there.

JEREMY: Are you aware that we've never actually kissed?
ME: Uh, hello.
JEREMY: Are you aware of that?
ME: Very aware, yes.
JEREMY: First you dated Ben.
ME: Then you dated Davis.
JEREMY: Then you dated Davis.
ME: Then you dated Ben.
JEREMY: Now all of that is over.
ME: Which is why you being here--
JEREMY: It seems insane.
ME: --is a bad idea.
JEREMY: Insane. That we have not kissed yet. I mean, what is this Moonlighting?
ME: Isn't that the television show where the couple everybody wanted to see get together got together and then nobody liked the show anymore?
JEREMY: I chalk that up to nobody being able to watch Cybill Shepard in anything for more than a year.

I stepped aside to let him into my dorm room, closing the door behind me.

ME: If this is about what I said--
JEREMY: About still being in love with me?
ME: I was...you and Ben...everything was confusing.
JEREMY: So you don't love me?
ME: It took me a year to fall in love with you. It's going to take a lot longer than that for me to stop loving you. That doesn't mean I'm active in it, in how I feel about you. And after yet another boyfriend turning into an asshole, I really don't want to try my hand at another one.
JEREMY: Davis didn't turn into an asshole; he's always been an asshole. Ben was an asshole too. You're just drawn to assholes.
ME: Is this supposed to be a pep talk?
JEREMY: It's the only reason I can come up with for you not liking me.
ME: Maybe that's why I only fell for you after you turned into your own version of Holly Go-Lightly in New York.

I sat down on my bed.

JEREMY: Are you aware--
ME: Oh my God--
JEREMY: --That I still love you, too?

It sort of shocked me. Not because I didn't think he still felt that way, but because--

ME: We just said we love each other.
JEREMY: Yeah...how about that?
ME: So...
JEREMY: So?
ME: Why haven't you kissed me yet?

I stood up, and got within a few inches of Jeremy. I was looking right in his eyes. I let my hands go up his arms, and my lips moved closer to his as--

Knock, Knock.

JEREMY: You have got to be kidding me.
ME: Let's just pretend that didn't happen.
JEREMY: While we're at it, why don't we undo the Civil War?

Knock, Knock.

VOICE: Billy! Are you in there?
ME: That sounds like Ritchie.

I opened the door to find Ritchie and Nathan looking pretty upset.

NATHAN: Jeremy?
JEREMY: Yeah, I--never mind.
ME: What's going on?

Ritchie and Nathan looked at each other, then at us.

RITCHIE: They just arrested Murray.
ME: Murray?
JEREMY: For what?

Nathan cleared his throat.

NATHAN: For Cal's murder.

Apparently that kiss was going to need a raincheck.

The Connection

Hi, my name is Nathan.

RITCHIE: So let's go over what we know.

I've teamed up with Ritchie.

ME: We don't know anything.

Not that it's doing much good.

I'm still determined to find out what connection there is between Cal sending Joey a text message saying that Billy is dangerous and Joey dying.

Ritchie and I were having a drink at Slice trying to figure out the next step to take. When it looked like Billy might have been responsible for Jeremy's disappearance, we nearly confronted him. Now Jeremy's home safe and sound and everybody just wants to move on.

Everybody except me.

ME: I feel like this all leads back to Cal. If we can just find Cal--
RITCHIE: We've tried. Everyone has. Besides, who knows if the person that was texting Joey was actually Cal or just someone fucking with his head?
ME: This just doesn't make any sense.

Ritchie ordered us another round.

RITCHIE: Is there anything you can remember about the night Cal disappeared? Was he talking about anything?
ME: Just about that stupid play he was going to direct at school. And he was talking about Burt Fleischer getting named Tool of the Year.
RITCHIE: Burt Fleischer!
ME: I know, I was gunning for Ben. I even sent Wilde an impassioned letter about it.
RITCHIE: So they moved up the contest then?

At first, I was confused.

ME: What do you mean?
RITCHIE: Cal disappeared in September, didn't he?
ME: Yeah, right when Jeremy got back from New York.
RITCHIE: Doesn't Wilde name Tool of the Year in October?
ME: Actually...you're right.
RITCHE: So Cal knew before it was actually announced?

That's when it hit me.

ME: Jesus, Ritchie...
RITCHIE: Do you think--?
ME: What else could it mean?

Cal is Wilde.

Mr. Providence

Hi, my name is Carter.

JACKSON:  Let's begin.

I learned a new word today.

DAVIS:  I motion to throw out Jackson as President.

It's "subvert."

DAVIS:  Motion seconded?

JACKSON:  Sit down, Davis.

DAVIS:  Jackson, you have run this organization to absolutely no effect once I pulled out my assistance.

JACKSON:  Oh Davis, don't worry.  I was counting on you pulling out early.

This is fun.

DAVIS:  Can anyone explain why Carter is here?

ME:  I'm representing the shotboys.

DAVIS:  Shotboys need representation?

JACKSON:  Welcome to America, Davis.  Now stop trying to subvert my authority and sit down.

See?  Subvert.

DAVIS:  Since the disappearance of Adam Setter, no significant fundraiser or event has happened in Providence, and none are planned.

JACKSON:  On the contrary, we have one coming up next week.

DAVIS:  Oh really?  What would that be?

JACKSON:  The Mr. Providence competition.

DAVIS:  We already had our Mr. Gay Rhode Island competition.

JACKSON:  You mean that little pageant where you crown some tacky, trashy whore the best slut in the state?  I'm not interested in that.  I'm talking about RI-TRI getting itself a proper symbol of class and intellect.

That was when I knew I needed to win that pageant.  I've always wanted to be classy and intellectual.

DAVIS:  You can't possibly be putting this together in under a week?

JACKSON:  Watch me.

DAVIS:  Fine.  Then I'll be entering that pageant.  I've already won the tacky, trashy contest back when I was nineteen and the three consecutive years after that.  If you want to put a new title on the line, I'll take it.

JACKSON:  I don't know, Davis.  You haven't met our judges yet.

DAVIS:  You already have judges?

The doors to the boardroom opened to reveal Jeremy and Billy.

DAVIS:  Oh...

JACKSON:  Still think you can win?

DAVIS:  That's only two.  Who's the third judge?

JACKSON:  You're looking at him.

This was going to be easy.  All I had to do was sleep with Jeremy, Jackson, and Billy before next week.  Oh!  And get a new haircut for the publicity photos.

DAVIS:  Carter, why do you have a dumb grin on your face?

ME:  I'm just thinking of puppies.

But in my head, I was already practicing my acceptance speech.

That Girl

Hi, my name is Jackson.

ME: Are you ever planning on coming out of there?
JEREMY: No.

My brother has taken himself hostage.

After the Davis/Ben Disaster, Jeremy went back to our apartment and barricaded himself into his bedroom.

Ritchie and Hank had come over to try and coax him out, but it wasn't working so far.

HANK: It could be worse, Jeremy.

The door flew open and Jeremy--a very haggard Jeremy--appeared.

JEREMY: My best friend, after sleeping with the boy I pined for--for over a year--and also bedding my brother, had an affair with my enemy who I just learned to trust thereby negating my adulthood.
RITCHIE: Yes...but you could be a Rwandan.

The door was slammed shut.

ME: Way to go, Perky Polly.
HANK: I didn't hear you jumping in.

I knew what this was going to take, but I dreaded even saying it.

ME: Jeremy, if you don't come out of there. I'm calling her.

I heard an ominous silence, different from a merely mild silence.

The door opened slowly.

JEREMY: You wouldn't.
RITCHIE: Who's 'her?'
ME: I would.
JEREMY: You hate her.
ME: So do you.
JEREMY: So?
ME: So I have a feeling she can get you out of that room.
HANK: What are you two--
JEREMY: Jackson, no.
ME: Then stop being a sad, little hermit.
JEREMY: You're bluffing.
ME: Try me.

He came out of the room, and shut the door behind him.

RITCHIE: What just happened?
ME: What happened was I threatened to call Paige.
HANK: Who's Paige?
JEREMY: Our sister.
RITCHIE: There are more of you? Were you quintuplets?
ME: She's our younger sister. She's...
JEREMY: Trouble with a capital 'T' that rhymes with 'P' that stands for--
ME: Paige.

That was when I saw a glint in Hank's eyes, and I knew I'd made a horrible mistake.

The Look on Your Face

Hi, my name is Ben.

DAVIS: So am I your birthday present?
ME: That depends. Did you keep the receipt?
DAVIS: Just open the door, Cubby.

Jeremy called me an hour ago. We were supposed to go out for my birthday, but he said he was feeling sick, so I feigned disappointment and told him to stay home.

I wouldn't have minded going out to dinner, but I was getting the feeling that it was going to 'our first time,' and I wasn't so sure I could handle romantic sex after all the great no-feelings-involved sex I'd been having with Davis.

So I texted my other man, and had him meet me at my apartment after I got out of my evening class.

Once the door to my apartment was open, I grabbed Davis and threw him on the ground--kicking the door shut behind me.

My tongue was in his mouth before I noticed the sounds of whispering, and the lights flipped on.

ALL: SURPRISE!

I knew I shouldn't have given Jeremy my key so soon.

He was standing with the rest of the CBQ's in a giant clump--wearing party hats and holding a cake with my name on it.

JACKSON: You boys really should rethink throwing surprise parties.

Davis slowly started buttoning his shirt. I looked over at Billy and saw that he was trying to hold back tears. Jeremy was just shaking his head.

CARTER: What were you guys doing?
HANK: They were doing what you're usually doing, Carter. Destroying people's lives.
ELI: Ben and Davis? What's next? Hank and someone attractive?
HANK: Eat it, Eli.
BILLY: I don't believe this.
DAVIS: Sorry, kid, but I mean...
JEREMY: He means 'What did you expect?'
NATHAN: Ben strikes again.
ME: Shut up, Nathan.
RITCHIE: Does this mean we can't eat the cake?
JEREMY: No. I think Ben and Davis should take it.

With that, he walked over to me, and shoved the cake in my face. Half of it came sliding down my shirt, and that was the half that he grabbed and--

DAVIS: Jeremy, this is a new shirt.
JEREMY: Hope you know a good dry-cleaner.

WHAM! Right on Davis.

As soon as I got the cake off my face, I realized that someone was missing.

ME: Where's Billy?

JACKSON: He went into the kitchen to get a knife.
ME: That's not funny.

That was when Billy came out with the knife.

JACKSON: Who was being funny?

I started taking steps backward.

ME: Billy, calm down.
BILLY: Once again, you've ruined my life.
HANK: Don't forget. Davis helped too.
DAVIS: Shut up, Hank!
BILLY: You've pushed me too far, Ben.
ME: You wouldn't really hurt me, would you?
BILLY: Are you forgetting that I pushed you in front of a moving vehicle?
JACKSON: Ben, I would run now.

I took off as fast as I could go, realizing I might not be able to go back for awhile.

The Double Blow

Hi, my name is Davis.

BEN:  I need help with something.

ME:  The back hair?

BEN:  Forget it.

ME:  Shut up, and come in.

Ben showed up at my apartment unexpectedly.  Apparently I'm now the guy to go to for advice on anything.  I was hoping it wasn't about Jeremy.

BEN:  It's about Jeremy.

Terrific.

ME:  Trouble in Paradise?

BEN:  Not exactly.  Everything's great.

ME:  So what's the problem?

BEN:  Everything's great.

ME:  Do I need to draw a picture of a problem for you, Ben?

BEN:  You don't get it.  Now that we're not enemies anymore, we don't have any fire left in us.

Great.  This was going to be a conversation about "spark."

BEN:  This isn't about spark.

ME:  Okay, now you're just freaking me out with the mind-reading thing.

BEN:  Huh?

ME:  Never mind.  Look, it's natural that when you get into a relationship you start wanting to sleep with everyone else.  That's what happens to me with every relationship.  That's why I'm single.

BEN:  You're not single.  You're with Billy.

ME:  Right.  I keep forgetting.

I got myself a drink, and fixed Ben one too.

BEN:  It just feels strange.  The two of us together.  I mean, Jeremy's...Okay, this is going to sound weird.  But for the most part, even though he screws up from time to time, Jeremy's... basically...

ME:  A good person.

BEN:  And I'm...

ME:  Not a good person.

BEN:  Yes.

ME:  I see your point.

BEN:  You do?

ME:  Yeah.  I feel the same way about Billy and me.  He's a sweet kid, and I'm John Davis.  It just--

BEN:  Doesn't feel right!

ME:  Right.

Maybe Ben and I are more simpatico than I thought.

ME:  Look, the way I see it, you and I have to learn to accept happiness.  It's not always crazy and dramatic and intense, but it's comfortable.  You get to a point in your life where you need to learn to accept and appreciate comfort.

BEN:  But I'm not like you.  I'm not thirty.

ME:  Whoa!

BEN:  I don't want to just settle.  I want passion and all that other stuff.

ME:  Well, maybe we can help each other with that Ben.

I took his drink and put it on the coffee table.  Then I stood in front of him.

BEN:  What are you doing?

ME:  Would you rather give?

BEN:  Excuse me?

ME:  Seems like we could either cheat on our boyfriends with people who would rat us out, or we could break up with our boyfriends and destroy two great things, OR we could make a little arrangement.

BEN:  And you wouldn't have a problem doing that to Billy and Jeremy?

ME:  They're dating the two of us.  Did they really think this wasn't in the cards at some point?  Besides, I don't want to hurt them.  This way they'll never find out.  It's called Mutual Assured Destruction.  Normally it refers to nuclear warfare, but you and I aren't too far a jump from that.

BEN:  Okay, but...

I grabbed him by his hair.

ME:  Unzip or leave.  I don't have time for chitchat.  Billy and I have dinner plans in an hour.

BEN:  And nobody finds out?

ME:  It's our little secret.

He looked up at me, I let go of his hair, and he unzipped.

Life was beginning to make sense again.

Never in a Million Years

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

BEN: So this is our coming out?
ME: I guess so.

Ben and I are about to make things...official.

After being "kidnapped," I seemed to get a fresh start with everyone. Once the dust had settled, I looked around realized what I wanted.

I wanted to pursue things with Ben.

BEN: Did you ever think we'd be going to Billy's birthday party together?
ME: Never in a million years.

I had gone on a few more dates with Skyler, but it's hard to make time for someone who isn't already immersed in your life. Ben and I go to school together, we both do theater, and we have the same circle of friends.

Life just seems...easier with him.

BEN: You look cute.
ME: So do you.

Easier? Ten bucks says I'm going to regret that statement.

When we showed up at Billy's party--held at Davis' place, of course--everyone was already there. We just walked in, not drawing too much attention to ourselves.

It was Ritchie who picked up on something.

RITCHIE: Did you two come together?
ME: Yeah.
RITCHIE: As in, you walked in together, or you--
BEN: We came together--as a couple.

That was when all the heads turned.

Carter was the only one to have an inkling that this was going to happen. I'd confessed that I was developing feelings for Ben the night I disappeared.

Everyone else was pretty--

NATHAN: Are you serious?

--Well--

NATHAN: ARE YOU SERIOUS?

--surprised?

ELI: Is this a joke?
HANK: You two hate each other.
JACKSON: This is about the elevator, isn't it?
RITCHIE: I'm sorry--elevator?
JACKSON: Catch up, new boy.
RITCHIE: Uh, pardon me--you're the new boy, rookie.

Davis and Billy still hadn't said anything.

DAVIS: Hey, if you two are happy--
BILLY: Oh give me a break!

One out of two isn't bad.

BILLY: You two can't be happy.
ME: We are, actually.
BILLY: You're mortal enemies.
JACKSON: The sex must be incredible.
NATHAN: Ew! Ew! Ew!

Billy looked at me like he was going to cry. Then he stormed out of the room.

CARTER: Can we have cake now?

I followed Billy into Davis' bedroom. He was sitting on the edge of the bed with his little party hat in his hands.

BILLY: You're doing this to get back at me for Davis.
ME: You think I'm that petty?
BILLY: Aren't you?
ME: Yes, but this would be a little much even for me.

I sat down next to him.

BILLY: Didn't you warn me about dating Ben?
ME: This is different.
BILLY: How do you figure?
ME: You were naive; I'm not. Ben's different with me.
BILLY: I think that's the classic last phrase of anybody who's about to get screwed over--He's different with me.

Ben stood up and started to walk out of the room. I stood up as well.

ME: I know you're upset, because...Because you and I...I know you're upset. And I'm sorry. I feel something for Ben. I haven't...I haven't felt anything for anyone since you. It's nice to feel something again.

Billy turned around.

BILLY: He's going to hurt you.
ME: I've been hurt before.
BILLY: He hasn't changed.
ME: No, but maybe I have.
BILLY: Not like you'd need to.

He walked up to me.

BILLY: I miss having you chase after me.
ME: I bet. It's nice being chased.
BILLY: Is that what you wanted? You wanted to be chased?
ME: No, I want to be caught.

We looked at each other, and for a second, it seemed like we were going to--

RITCHIE: Hey guys?

Billy took a step away from me. Ritchie walked into the bedroom.

RITCHIE: We're about to do the cake.
BILLY: Great. Be out in a second.

Ritchie took off. Billy seemed like he was about to say something, then stopped.

ME: What?
BILLY: Can you keep a secret?
ME: Sure.

He leaned in and whispered in my ear.

BILLY: I think I'm still in love with you.

With that, he turned and walked out. I stumbled out a few minutes later and stood next to Ben as everyone sang 'Happy Birthday.'

BEN: Did you two talk?
ME: Ohhh, we talked.
BEN: How did it go?
ME: It was...a revelation.

Billy looked at me, smiled, and blew out the candles.

Finding Jeremy

Hi, my name is Eli.

ME: You can thank me later, Hank.

I just saved Hank's life.

Jackson was driving right towards him after pushing him out of a moving car, when I barreled into him sending us right into a snowbank, but out of harm's way.

HANK: If you stained these jeans, I'll kill you.
ME: You were going to die!
HANK: I'd rather die than ruin these jeans.

Jackson had stopped the car and gotten out of it. He was coming towards Hank, but Nathan and Davis intercepted him.

HANK: He's crazy!
JACKSON: Crazy like your fucking mother!
ME: Aren't you two in love?
JACKSON: Please! He struck up a deal with Wilde to get rid of me so he could go back to being the number one catch in town!
HANK: How did you find out?
DAVIS: Wait, that's true? You made a deal with Wilde?
JACKSON: I found out because I read your e-mails, you idiot!
HANK: How did you--
NATHAN: Don't ever check your e-mail in front of someone like Jackson.

Billy whistled. We all turned to look at him.

BILLY: I believe we have a bigger issue here. You know, the kidnapping and all.

A minute later, I was knocking on the door of the apartment.

It opened and a tiny little Brazilian man looked out at me.

TINY EVITA: Hello?
ELI: Hi, my name is Eli. Do you believe in God?
TINY EVITA: I'm not interested.
ELI: Too bad. I was going to tell you to start praying.

Before he could shut the door, Hank and Davis came at it from the side and sent him flying to the ground. The rest of us swarmed the house calling out Jeremy's name.

CARTER: Guys! I found him.

He was in an upstairs bedroom, passed out, looking pretty bad.

BEN: We have to get him to a hospital.
RITCHIE: Maybe we shouldn't move him.
DAVIS: Screw that. Hank, pick him up.

Hank grabbed Jeremy, and tossed him over his shoulder. We made our way back downstairs where Tiny Evita was sitting on the couch crying while Nathan and Jackson interrogated him.

JACKSON: You're in deep shit, Javi.
NATHAN: Or should we say 'The Roofier.'
JAVI: I don't know what you're talking about.
NATHAN: Was this all some sort of scheme as retaliation for us being responsible for Adam's disappearance?
JAVI: You know where Adam is?
NATHAN: STOP PLAYING DUMB!
BILLY: Guys, forget it. We have Jeremy. Let's just go.

Jackson leaned over and looked into Javi's eyes.

JACKSON: I'm going to come back for you.
JAVI: He wanted to come home with me. He begged!

Jackson slapped him across the face.

JACKSON: Now I got what I came for. Let's go.

Hank put Jeremy in the backseat of my car, and I headed for the hospital. They let me take him because I convinced them I was the one who could get there the fastest.

Actually, I had another reason.

ME: How are you feeling, Jeremy?
JEREMY: Ughh...
ME: Mind if I ask you a question?
JEREMY: Soooo out of it.
ME: Yeah, about that. Where are your shoes?

He perked up at that, but then went back to rolling his eyes and looking drugged.

ME: See, your shoes are pretty ugly. They're recognizable. They're the ones that made tracks in the snow, according to Carter.

JAVI: You're pretty cute, you know that?
JEREMY: Thank you.
JAVI: I'm Javi.
JEREMY: Jeremy.

ME: I think you were in a pretty bad way. Your best friend is dating the love of your life. Your brother and you don't get along. And everyone was pissed at you for taking all their best stories and making them your New York party anecdotes.

JAVI: So are you here with anyone?
JEREMY: I guess I'm here with you.
JAVI: Good answer.
JEREMY: Now as to who I'll be going home with...

ME: I think you needed a way to get people to feel sorry for you. And of course, the Roofier was still at large.

JAVI: I'm so drunk. We might need to wait for me to sober up.
JEREMY: Or you could let me drive your car.
JAVI: Aren't you sweet?
JEREMY: Mind if I borrow your shoes though?
JAVI: My shoes?
JEREMY: Mine aren't too good in the snow. As long as I'm carrying you--
JAVI: Deal, cutie.

ME: You did something out of character. You knew Carter would wonder where you went, and if he didn't, Skyler would--
JEREMY: Gotta...call...Skyler...
ME: And you didn't answer your phone or text messages. But you did leave that glass of root beer on the bar. The one some mysterious guy bought you.

JEREMY: Hey Brian, can I have a root beer, please?

ME: And you got us all worried, and now look--all's forgiven. Nobody even remembers that they were mad at you.

Jeremy closed his eyes.

ME: Of course, I can't prove any of this. So there's really no point mentioning it to anyone else, but it would be nice to know that I cracked this little case.

I waited. He didn't move. I was just about to pull into the hospital. That was when I heard a voice from the backseat.

JEREMY: Tell them I was admitted, but that they're releasing me in an hour. I've been given a clean bill of health.

I almost wanted to laugh.

ME: You son-of-a-bitch.
JEREMY: You don't spend a summer in New York without learning a few things.

I guess not.

Double Indemnity

Hi, my name is Hank.

JACKSON:  If anything's happened...

ME:  He's probably not dead.  He might be maimed, but he's not dead.

JACKSON:  Comforting, as always.

He put his head on my shoulder.  We were driving behind Davis and Billy heading towards Adam Setter's place on the west side.

It's strange.  I'd been given an order from Wilde to get rid of Jackson, and I still planned on doing that, but I'd also grown strangely close to him.

It wasn't just the sex, although the sex was helping.  Jackson was clearly falling for me, and I was having a hard time not doing the same.

That was going to make it really hard not to destroy him.

JACKSON:  Hank, I have to tell you something.

ME:  Okay.

JACKSON:  It's something nobody knows.

Uh...do we have a cha ching coming up?

ME:  Nobody?

JACKSON:  Not even Jeremy.

ME:  Okay.

JACKSON:  If anyone knew, it would...I'd have to leave Rhode Island.

CHA CHING.

ME:  What is it?

JACKSON:  The reason I came here.

We were almost at Adam's apartment.  I could see Nathan's car.

ME:  Well?

JACKSON:  Maybe I shouldn't.

ME:  You don't trust me?

JACKSON:  It's not that.  I just don't want you to hate me.

ME:  I could never hate you.  Don't you know that?

JACKSON:  God, this is hard.  It's so hard to believe someone.

I had to get it out of him, or he'd be preoccupied with saving his brother's life.

JACKSON:  Fine.  I have to get this off my chest.

Jackson lifted his head up, and whispered in my ear.

JACKSON:  I know you made a deal with Wilde, you fucking asshole.

Before I could process what he said, he hit the "Unlock" switch on my door, grabbed the latch, and opened it--pushing me out in the process.

I hit the ground pretty hard, but I was still coherent.

That was when I saw my own car coming towards me--with Jackson behind the wheel.

Tex for Breakfast

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

NATHAN:  We're wasting our time.

Yes, well, sort of...

Nathan and I met up with Carter after I disclosed to Nathan that I thought Billy might have something to do with Cal's disappearance and Joey's death.

If you understand that sentence, then I'll send you a prize in the mail.

CARTER:  This is where Tex lives.

It was coming up on noon, and none of us had slept.  Carter woke up another bartender at Prisms to get Tex's address.  Luckily, he'd had a party at his house the week before for all his co-workers.

CARTER:  Except me.  I wasn't invited.

NATHAN:  That's because he probably wanted to keep all his valuables.

Tex lived on the west side of the city.  When we knocked on his door, we heard grumbling and then the hottest shirtless man I have ever seen opened the door.

CARTER:  Hey Tex.

TEX:  Carter, for the last time, I'm not interested.

ME:  It's not about that, but knock me over with a feather I'm so surprised.  By the way, I'm Ritchie, back in town for a brief period of time and I don't believe we've--

NATHAN:  ENOUGH!  Show him the photo, Carter.

Carter held up his Blackberry--probably borrowed out of some one night stand's room--and showed Tex the photo of Cal.

CARTER:  Was this the guy that left with my friend last night?

TEX:  You woke me up for this?

ME:  Please, it's important.

TEX:  No, this guy was more exotic looking.

Exotic?

NATHAN:  Thank you.  Carter, try calling Davis.  We're going to have to try something else.

Carter walked away, which gave me a chance to show Tex the photo I really wanted him to see.

TEX:  No, that's not him either.

NATHAN:  His name is Billy.

ME:  Not really exotic, but--

TEX:  Not him.  Sorry.  Can I go back to sleep now?

ME:  Yeah, sure.

Nathan and I started walking away, when a guy pushed past us.

RANDOM GUY:  Hey Tex, thanks for last night.  It was fun.

I turned around.

ME:  Aren't you supposed to be the straight bartender?

TEX:  That only helps the tips.  But keep that to yourself, all right?

ME:  I'll make a mental note.

RANDOM GUY:  What are you guys?  The next shift?

NATHAN:  We're looking for our friend.  He disappeared from Prisms last night.

RANDOM GUY:  Is he the one that left with Javi?

ME:  Who's Javi?

RANDOM GUY:  The Brazilian guy--Adam Setter's boyfriend.

Adam--?

NATHAN:  CARTER!

Carter came running.

NATHAN:  Where does he live?

RANDOM GUY:  Who?

NATHAN:  Javi?

RANDOM GUY:  I don't know.

ME:  Who would know?

TEX:  If it's the same place where Adam lives, which it probably is, considering Brazilians move in fast, it's a few blocks over.  Adam threw a summer block party last year, although I haven't really seen him around since the storm--

Nathan grabbed my arm, and Carter was already running back to the car.

ME:  What's going on?

NATHAN:  I'll explain in the car.

We hopped in the backseat.

CARTER:  Davis is on the phone.

Nathan grabbed it out of his hand.

NATHAN:  Davis, we found him.

And the car took off like a bat out of hell.

Showdown at Bitch Corral

Hi, my name is Billy.

HANK: This is getting us nowhere.

After going to Cal's house, his old place of work, and the house of anyone and everyone who knows him--he was still nowhere to be found.

Davis, Hank, Jackson and myself had met up at Jackson and Jeremy's apartment. We had been all over the state for the past few hours and we were exhausted. It was sometime in the morning, and Jeremy had been missing all night.

I was beyond panicked.

ME: Maybe we should try the police.
JACKSON: We can't. It hasn't been twenty-four hours.
ME: Twenty-four hours is too long to wait!
JACKSON: You think so? I picked that number arbitrarily, Billy. How many hours do you suggest we wait?
DAVIS: Let's not get snarky.
JACKSON: Shut up, Davis.

Jackson went into his kitchen. I followed him. Maybe I was looking for a fight just to let off some steam, but I was also sick of Jackson sneaking in his little comments whenever he felt like it.

ME: You know, everyone's just as scared as you are.
JACKSON: Because he's everyone's brother?
ME: You haven't exactly been a model twin, Jackson.
JACKSON: I've been a good a brother as you've been a virginal saint. Why don't we leave it at that?
ME: What is that supposed to mean?

Jackson pushed by me back into the living room.

HANK: Guys, stop. This isn't productive.
JACKSON: Billy, why are you even looking for Jeremy? Do you actually want to find him?
ME: How dare you ask me that.
JACKSON: Funny, because after he admitted that he screwed up in New York, you were one of the first people to toss him away.
ME: Don't you put that all on me. You were pissed too.
JACKSON: I have my reasons for having the relationship I have with my brother. You have nothing with him. Just a back-and-forth romance that's making everybody sea-sick.

Davis got in front of Jackson.

DAVIS: That's enough.
HANK: Whoa, step away from him, okay?
DAVIS: You going to take me on, Hank?
JACKSON: Sit down, Davis, or I'll let your new boyfriend know that you're already sick of having sex with him.

Davis stepped back looking mortified.

ME: What?
JACKSON: Don't worry. It's not like he told me that. It's just written all over his face. I'm sorry, Billy, but did you actually think you were going to be the boy who tamed John Davis? You don't tame men like him. He just wanted the coveted status of being the man who gets to see your overrated ass without the compensatory clothing on it once in awhile.

That was when I jumped over the couch and landed on top of him. I felt Hank trying to pull me off him, while Davis jumped on Hank and tried yanking him to the side.

ME: I'M SICK OF LISTENING TO YOU!

He got me right in the mouth and I felt myself spurting out blood. I rolled over onto my side. I looked up and Jackson was standing over me.

JACKSON: When we find my brother, I don't want you coming anywhere near him. You leave him alone from now on, do you understand me?
ME: That'll be up to him, Jackson.
DAVIS: Jesus Christ! Just say you'll leave him alone, Billy!
ME: That's easy for you, Davis! You're his best friend! You get him no matter what!
DAVIS: WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
HANK: BECAUSE HE'S STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM! OBVIOUSLY!

Hank punched the wall, leaving a sizable dent in it.

Jackson sat down on the couch.

JACKSON: All you have is your saintly attitude, Billy. All you have is that you don't give it up as much as everyone else. I give it up all the time, and I still have more than that to hold onto. I have my intelligence. I have my charm. I have my--
DAVIS: Modesty?
JACKSON: Fuck you, Davis. I can't imagine what it must be like being you, Billy. Knowing that as soon as I go to third base with somebody, they're going to start trying to find a way to sneak back home. You're pathetic.

I just sat there holding my mouth, trying not to show how badly I was shaking. Jackson started to walk into his bedroom, when Davis' phone rang.

He answered it.

DAVIS: Guys, they think they found him.

I looked at Davis' face, but I couldn't read what he was thinking. I just knew it wasn't good.

The Rescue Party

Hi, my name is Nathan.

DAVIS:  We're going to find him.

This was my first rescue party.

Jeremy disappeared two hours ago, and Davis had gotten us all up out of bed to meet up at his apartment.

Billy was there first, or more likely, he was there when Davis got the call from Carter.  I drove myself and Ben, but we didn't speak much on the way there.

Jackson came with Hank, and he looked pretty beaten up, but also, pretty determined.

Ritchie was trying to comfort Carter, and Eli was standing behind the couch they were sitting on in Davis' living room.

RITCHIE:  Of course we're going to find him.

JACKSON:  How did this happen?  He doesn't even drink.

BILLY:  Neither do I.  I still got drugged.

BEN:  But you weren't kidnapped.

HANK:  That's because Jackson was with you.

JACKSON:  I should have been with Jeremy.

CARTER:  I was with him and it didn't matter.

ME:  Stop.  Nobody's to blame.  We can't undo this.  We just have to fix it.

I heard Ritchie clear his throat.  We all turned to him.

RITCHIE:  I might know something.

He took a phone out of his pocket.

RITCHIE:  This was--

ME:  Joey's phone.

RITCHIE:  Right.  Jeremy gave it to me.  Well, he was going to toss it at the memorial, but I took it, and I only kept it because...uh...there was a message in it.

DAVIS:  What kind of message?

RITCHIE:  It was from Cal.

This made everybody stand up and start talking.  Then Ritchie raised his hands and we all shut up immediately.

RITCHIE:  It said...it said that whoever got the phone should stop looking for him.

ELI:  For who?

RITCHIE:  For Cal.

BILLY:  Was Joey looking for Cal?

RITCHIE:  You tell me.  I just got here.

BEN:  He might have been, and he just didn't say anything.

JACKSON:  What does this have to do with my brother?

Ritchie popped open the phone and read the message aloud.

RITCHIE:  'If you don't stop looking for me, someone else will disappear.'

We were all shocked.  Some of us sat back down.

ME:  So Cal had something to do with this?

ELI:  Cal was the one who drugged Joey?

HANK:  That doesn't make any sense.

CARTER:  Nothing makes sense.

Davis grabbed his coat.

DAVIS:  It doesn't need to.  If Cal knows where Jeremy is, we need to find Cal.

BEN:  How?  We've looked.

DAVIS:  Please, Ben.  We haven't looked.  We barely cared.  But now we need to care.

BILLY:  Where can we look?

DAVIS:  His house.  The house of anyone who might know where he is.  Family.  Ex-boyfriends.  If he's still in Rhode Island, he can't be that far away.  We'll find him and we'll ask what that message means.

CARTER:  I can print his facebook photo and take it to Tex the bartender.  Maybe he'll recognize him.

JACKSON:  Sounds like a plan.

We divided up who was going where and doing what.  Ritchie and I were going to team up and go check out Cal's house.

On the way out, I heard Billy talking to Davis.

BILLY:  It's just...you don't how you feel about someone until they're gone.

DAVIS:  How do you feel?

I didn't need to hear the rest of that.  We already lost Joey.  I may not be crazy about Jeremy, but I wasn't going to lose anyone else, no matter who it was.

When Ritchie and I got in the car, he put his hand on mine before I could put the keys in the ignition.

RITCHIE:  We don't need to go to Cal's house.

ME:  Why not?

RITCHIE:  Because I don't think Cal's the one responsible for Jeremy's disappearance.

ME:  But the message--

RITCHIE:  Here.  Read what it really says.

He showed me the message on the phone.

'If you don't stop looking for me, Billy will make someone else disappear.'

ME:  Jesus...

RITCHIE:  So what are we going to do?

I had no idea.

None at all.

Vanished

Hi, my name is Carter.

JEREMY:  So Adam could be dead?

ME:  That's what I'm hoping for.

JEREMY:  Wouldn't you be semi-responsible if he was?

ME:  By 'semi' you mean...?

Jeremy came to visit me at work with Skyler, who I guess is like his new boyfriend or something?

Skyler went downstairs to get a drink--Jeremy wouldn't let him buy a shot from me because then he'd be 'contributing to my aggressively moral downfall'--whatever that means.

JEREMY:  Carter, can I tell you a secret?

ME:  Is it about why you wear such ugly shoes?

JEREMY:  No.  Uh, what sort of secret could that be?

ME:  A...shoe...secret?

Jeremy got that look that Dorothy gets on The Golden Girls right before she smacks Rose.

JEREMY:  I might have feelings for Ben.

ME:  WHAT?

I almost dropped my tray.

JEREMY:  It started in the elevator.

ME:  When you were trapped?

JEREMY:  No, the elevator in the mall an hour ago.  YES!  When we were trapped, Carter.

Now he was even sounding like Dorothy.

ME:  But you hate each other.

JEREMY:  He doesn't hate me anymore.  Or he might.  It's confusing.

ME:  But you don't hate him?

JEREMY:  I do, but now...there's something else too.

ME:  What do you think it might be?

JEREMY:  Insanity.  It's definitely insanity.

He downed his glass of--

ME:  You don't drink.

JEREMY:  Relax, it's soda.

ME:  You ordered soda at a bar?  Lame.

JEREMY:  Fyi, shotslut, I didn't order it.  The bartender gave it to me.

ME:  For free?

JEREMY:  I guess.

Weird, because Tex was working, and he's straight.

I went downstairs to try and make some more money and when I came back Skyler was there, but no Jeremy.

SKYLER:  Hey, have you seen--

ME:  A little while ago.

VOICE:  You looking for your friend?

The voice was Tex.

ME:  Did you see him?

TEX:  Yeah, he was pretty wasted.

SKYLER:  Wasted?  He doesn't drink.

TEX:  Could have fooled me.  He looked pretty out of it.

ME:  All he had was that soda you gave him.

TEX:  Carter, when do I ever just give somebody soda?  Someone bought it for him.  I just passed it along.

I looked at Skyler.  That's when I realized--

ME:  Fuck.

SKYLER:  What?

ME:  Soda.

SKYLER:  What's wrong with soda?

ME:  I think Jeremy got roofied.

SKYLER:  Huh?

The glass was even still on the bar.  I put it on my tray.  It might be evidence.

ME:  Tex, where did Jeremy go?

TEX:  He left with the guy who bought him the drink.

ME:  Oh no.

TEX:  The guy practically carried him out of here.  Are you sure he--

I didn't listen to the rest of the sentence.  I just ran out of the bar with Skyler calling after me.  This was my fault.  I should have known Tex wouldn't just hand out a drink like that.  The Roofier was still out there, and now he had Jeremy.

It was cold outside and snow had started to fall.

But I couldn't feel it, because all I could see were the tracks in the snow.  Two sets of footprints--one from a pair of very ugly shoes.

Then suddenly one pair disappeared.

Probably because he was being carried off--but where?