Bounce

Hi, my name is Hank.

JEREMY: Davis, didn't you learn your lesson the last time?

Jeremy and I went to Slice to meet Davis, who was throwing a big party to celebrate him reassuming his role as owner.

ADAM: I'm a mess right now.

DAVIS: Who served him in here? I could get fined!

PAIGE: He pre-gamed.

DAVIS: Oh...carry on.

There was a noise coming from the door of the club. Jeremy, Davis, and I walked over to see what it was.

Apparently Liam and Setter had showed up, and Carter was trying to tussle with them.

DAVIS: Carter, you're screwing with my opening!

CARTER: Davis, if you're my friend you won't let them in.

DAVIS: Number one, I'm not your friend. Number two, if they have a working credit card, I might even forget your name.

I didn't want to, but I had to speak up.

ME: Davis, they're only coming in here to spy for Prisms.

DAVIS: How do you know that?

ME: I was there last night and I heard Liam talking with the owner.

LIAM: You're a lying bitch.

Uh--what?

I picked up Liam and threw him four feet into the street. Setter looked at me, I raised my eyebrows, and he ran.

JEREMY: Whoa.

ME: It wasn't the bitch part that made me mad. I don't like being called a liar--when I haven't lied, anyway.

Davis was smiling in a weird sort of way.

ME: What?

DAVIS: I think I just met my new Head Bouncer.

ME: You think I would be a bouncer at this sketchy little homo-trash can?

DAVIS: I'll pay you in cash and you can drink for free.

ME: I'll start tomorrow. Is there a uniform?

Looks like I got myself a new profession.

Everybody's a Writer

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

PAIGE: Hey Ritchie!

I'm about to get a new job.

ME: Hello Wilde.

It's always a refreshing change to see that little smile fall off Paige's face.

I told her that I wanted to meet up with her in the Fishbowl in the morning to talk about a new show I plan on producing.

I didn't tell her it's called "You're F**ked, Paige: The Story of How Ritchie Became a Writer."

She went into spin mode immediately--probably something else she learned from Jackson.

PAIGE: Ritchie, what are you talking about?
ME: You've been writing the Wilde Blog since the beginning of last summer.
PAIGE: That's insane!
ME: Oh, is it?

I held up a printed copy of the Wilde Blog's latest entry--posted the night before at 2am. It was all about a hot new guy named Mike Motella sleeping his way around town.

PAIGE: It's about Mike Motella--so what?
ME: There is no Mike Motella.
PAIGE: Um...what?
ME: I called Adam last night and told him about this HOT new guy Mike Motella--the newest super slut in Providence. An hour later, a blog was posted about him. I checked with Adam this morning, and he said that after we talked, you were the only person he called to spread my misinformation too. So, unless another person is writing for Wilde and came up with the same fictitious story involving the same name, you're Wilde.
PAIGE: Hahahahaha--okay, what do you want?
ME: I wonder what your brothers would say if they knew you printed the article that almost got us killed in New Hampshire.
PAIGE: I had to do it! It was my journalistic responsibility.
ME: This from the girl who just this morning posted something with the title 'Guess Who Caught the Clap in Cabo?'

Paige looked behind her. Some freshman were walking to class. Any minute someone could walk in and I could expose her.

Ah, power--it's like my Redbull.

PAIGE: What can I do to make this go away?

I extended my hand.

ME: Shake.
PAIGE: Shake?
ME: Yes, Paige. Shake the hand of your new partner.

You know what they say--

The blog is mightier...

The Beautiful Trap

Hi, my name is Billy.

JACKSON: I need your help.

Welcome to my trap.

Ever since I became a permanent resident of Jeremy's apartment, he's been trying to find a way to get me out.

Now whenever we're alone in the apartment together--like now--I get a little curious as to how he's going to try and trap me.

ME: Do you need me to push you out a window?
JACKSON: Maybe 'help' was the wrong word. I need your opinion.

He was standing in his room in front of a mirror.

JACKSON: What do you think?

His jeans dropped to the floor.

ME: I think you need to invest in better belts.
JACKSON: My underwear.
ME: I'm very grateful for it.
JACKSON: Is that a thumbs up?

He picked up a pair of boxer briefs off his bed. This was when I noticed that there was a small pile there.

ME: I'm a little confused.
JACKSON: It's pretty simple. You're a gay man. I figured you could tell me which of these look the best.

Was this the best he could do? Flash me some cute underwear and hope that I hit on him so that he can rat me out to my brother?

There was probably a camera tucked between the CK's and the 2xist's.

ME: I think I'll pass.
JACKSON: Oh, come on. People try on clothes for their friends all the time.
ME: The word 'clothes' doesn't really seem appropriate in this case.
JACKSON: Don't you want us to be friends, Jackson?
ME: It wouldn't really break my heart if we were just acquaintances.

Jackson laughed.

JACKSON: Scared you're going to get a little--enthusiastic?

A challenge, huh?

Well, I do love a good challenge.

ME: Let's do this.

It was horrible.

You have to remember, Jackson is identical to Jeremy, a boy I love very much, but who is nowhere NEAR as sexual as his brother.

Something about Jackson in tiny underwear just--

JACKSON: All done.

I felt like I'd just been pummeled--and I didn't entirely hate it.

ME: Great. I like the green pair with the stripes best. Can I go now?
JACKSON: Sure.

I went back into Jeremy's room, and immediately took off my clothes. I laid down on the bed and imagined Jackson and those stripes and--

Knock, knock.

I threw on my pants and opened the door--a fresh layer of sweat still covering my body.

JACKSON: Need any help?
ME: Nice try.

I slammed the door.

This was going to be harder than I thought.

Cheesecake News

Hi, my name is Nathan.

BEN: Is there a reason I have to be here for this?

I've called a meeting.

HANK: Hey, at least we have an excuse to eat cheesecake.

A meeting at the Factory.

All the CBQ's were in attendance. This was, after all, a life-altering move on my part.

ME: I've called you all here today, because I will no longer be attending Ocean State.

Instant ruckus--perfect.

BEN: You know, as cheap ploys to get attention go, this isn't all that original.

CARTER: Yeah, I've dropped out, like, tons of times.

ME: Oh, but I'm not dropping out. I'm transferring.

Jackson stood up.

JACKSON: Don't you think as my boyfriend, I should have been made aware of this.

ME: Jackson, we're just friends with benefits.

JACKSON: Yeah, and those benefits don't come with a long distance policy.

BILLY: Does this mean one less person using the bathroom in the morning?

JACKSON: Shut up, Billy!

JEREMY: Everybody, calm down! No wonder Nathan wants to get out of here. I'd transfer if I had more than five months left to go.

Ah, Jeremy. Always the voice of the reason. Always so sweet and--

DAVIS: So Nathan, where you headed?

I smiled.

ME: Well, I'm sure my boyfriend will be happy to know I'll be staying in the same city.

RITCHIE: Wait, you mean--

ME: That's right.

Rhode Island College, here I come.

Introducing Mr. C

Hi, my name is Carter.

VOICE: Hey Carter, I saw your video on the Internet.

Ugh, I've been getting calls like this all week.

Ever since Liam and Setter tricked me into performing a striptease on a cam, I've been on every computer in Rhode Island.

VOICE: I was wondering if you'd like to do something a little bit more...professional.

At first I was going to say 'No,' but then he quoted me a price.

VOICE: So what do you say?

...Eeee...

I showed up at this guy's apartment. There was only one camera guy, and another guy laying on a bed wearing a football jersey.

DIRECTOR: Don't worry; he's almost done.
ME: Then my turn?
DIRECTOR: Well, your turn and his. He's going again.
ME: Wait, I thought I was doing this alone.
DIRECTOR: No offense, but everybody's already seen you do it alone.
ME: I don't know about this.
DIRECTOR: Don't worry. It's all simulation--except for when he pours the mustard on you.

I should have bailed, but jersey guy was kind of hot...

...and I really like mustard.

DIRECTOR: By the way, what name do you want to use?
ME: Umm...

A good fake name where nobody will know it's me.

ME: How about Mr. C?

Yeah, that sounds like a movie star.

The Not-So-Perky Wallflower

Hi, my name is Jackson.

BILLY: Hey roomie.

I have a secret.

Granted, I probably shouldn't have kept it to myself this long, because I wasn't exactly sure when to disclose it.

Now that Billy plans on moving in, thereby making my living space that much smaller, I think the time has come.

Plus, I don't think the little bitch likes me very much anyway.

ME: Billy, can we chat for a second?

BILLY: Sure, what about?

ME: Oh, I don't know--about how you called Travis and told him where we were.

He dropped his box of books right on the floor.

Jeremy poked his head into the bedroom.

JEREMY: Everything okay in here?

BILLY: Yup. Jackson is just helping me unpack.

ME: Yup. Just helping him get a load off.

JEREMY: Wow, jail must have had the same affect on you that it had on Martha Stewart, Jackson.

ME: You're right. My swan napkins have gotten a lot more intricate.

Jeremy laughed and went back to the kitchen to make dinner.

BILLY: How did you--

ME: Remember at the cabin when one of Travis' goons had to take me to the bathroom so I wouldn't try escaping?

BILLY: You were traumatized.

ME: Not really. He was kind of cute. Anyway, I overheard him talking with the other goon, and apparently you're the one who made the phone call to Travis.

BILLY: No, Jackson. We were outed by the Wilde Blog.

VOICE: Travis tipped off the Wilde Blog.

We both turned to see Paige standing in the doorway.

PAIGE: Wilde just posted it today. Travis found out about the cabin from a CBQ, then he sent a tip to the blog.

BILLY: Ew, what sick scum would post something like that?

PAIGE: A sick scum that's seen her blog's viewership go up fifty percent since then.

Silence.

PAIGE: Sooo...you were the one who ratted everyone out?

BILLY: I'm not having this discussion.

ME: Oh yes, you are. You could have gotten us killed.

BILLY: I just wanted the whole thing to be over. Travis was supposed to take Davis and leave.

VOICE: So you were going to get me killed?

Oh that's right. Someone invited Davis over for dinner.

Who could have done that?

DAVIS: Billy, what's wrong with you?

BILLY: We were all paying for your mistakes.

DAVIS: So you decide to make a deal with an insane person?

BILLY: At least I didn't date him.

ME: Oh, you are so not staying here anymore.

BILLY: Oh really?

Billy slammed the door shut, then turned to all of us.

BILLY: Let's get something straight, Jeremy has loved me for a very long time, and I love him. And I'm not losing him because his wacko brother, slutty best friend, and fag hag sister don't like me. If you want to tell him I called Travis, go ahead. Just be sure that after you do, he won't forgive me, because if he does, I'll make sure he cuts you all out of his life for good. Remember that.

Then, with a smile, he opened the door, and walked out.

PAIGE: We can't say anything.

ME: The hell we can't.

DAVIS: She's right, Jackson. Jeremy loves Billy too much. Even if he did side with us, it would destroy him.

ME: I'm willing to take that chance.

I started to walk away, but Davis grabbed my arm.

DAVIS: No way.

ME: Davis, let go of me.

DAVIS: You're not breaking your brother's heart over this. It's done. Travis is gone. Let's just forget it.

ME: But Billy--

PAIGE: Davis is right, Jackson. Just let it go.

They both walked out of the room--ready to go have dinner with Jeremy and the newest resident of Melrose Place.

Davis and Paige may be giving up, but I don't plan on waving a white flag unless there's blood on it.

Bust You Out

Hi, my name is Ben.

CARTER: What are we going to do?

ME: We're going to bust them out.

We're having a pow wow at the Fish Bowl to try and determine how we're going to get Jeremy, Jackson, and Paige out of jail.

BILLY: I just can't believe this. Jeremy's not a murderer.

RITCHIE: Jackson could be a murderer.

HANK: So could Paige.

ADAM: Hey!

HANK: What? You disagree?

ADAM: No, I just found a twenty in my wallet. Heyyy!

Everybody looked at him.

ADAM: Silver lining?

I didn't know what to do, but the thought of Jeremy being locked up was making me sick. Ironically, my ex-boyfriend seemed to be just as worried about him.

NATHAN: Jeremy can't be in jail. He doesn't belong there.

JOEY: Shouldn't you be worried about Jackson?

DAVIS: We're all worried about everyone.

ELI: C'mon guys, we're the CBQ's. We should be able to figure this out.

Carter stood up.

HANK: Where are you going?

CARTER: I have make-up class.

RITCHIE: Carter, are you serious?

CARTER: I can't miss it. We're doing old age/ethnic today.

...And that was when I got my big idea.

. . . . .

Six hours later, Jeremy was out of jail.

JEREMY: I don't understand.

JACKSON: How did they find Chris' body?

ME: They didn't. He walked into the police station and told them he was fine. Said he was on vacation.

JOAN: But that's impossible! We--

JEREMY, PAIGE and JACKSON: Shut up, Joan!

I was the one who got to drive the jailbirds home since I was the one who came up with the brilliant plan.

Everyone but Jeremy filed out as soon as I pulled up to the apartment building.

JEREMY: Did you have something to do with my missing stepfather coming back from...vacation?

ME: Let's just say with a little make-up, Hank makes a really great old Italian guy.

Jeremy laughed.

JEREMY: It can't have been that simple.

ME: The PPD aren't that clever, Jeremy.

JEREMY: Apparently not.

ME: Don't I get a thank you kiss?

JEREMY: Ben--

ME: On the cheek?

He sighed, and then leaned over and gave me my kiss.

JEREMY: Thank you.

He got out of the car, and I was in love.

I really was.

And I looked up, and saw Billy staring at me out the window.

I blew him a kiss.

It was the least I could do.

I was going to steal his boyfriend after all.

Piece of Cake

Hi, my name is Davis.

JEREMY: Weren't you twenty-two last year?

It's my birthday.

ME: No, I was nineteen last year. This year I'm twenty-two.
JEREMY: But I'm going to be twenty-two this year.
ME: Wow, pretty soon you'll be older than me.

Past birthdays have been a little on the dramatic side--what with me getting plastered and confessing my love for my best friend to my boyfriend at the time.

This year, we're going to try to keep things to a dull roar.

We were all at Jeremy's getting ready before going out to Slice.

BILLY: Wouldn't a dull roar be a night in with a movie?
ME: Last time I checked, I'm twenty-two, not dead.
JACKSON: Plus, Davis has a lot to celebrate. He survived a near-assassination attempt, remember?
NATHAN: We all did.
JEREMY: I still wish I knew who told the Wilde Blog where we were.
ME: That happens to be my next order of business. As soon as I find out who writes that blog, they're going to turn into a social Chernobyl.
VOICE: Birthday cake!

Paige came out of the kitchen with a little cake for me.

She's adorable. Why can't the world have more people like her in it?

PAIGE: We're all going to sing!
ME: Great. Just let me leave the room first.
PAIGE: Move and I cut you with my cake knife. Okay! Here we go! I'll take the high parts!

After the singing, we headed out to meet the rest of the boys at Slice.

Unfortunately for me, the CBQ's weren't the only boys there.

Four police officers were waiting outside Slice with sirens lit up.

JACKSON: I wonder if Carter's been street-walking again.
ME: There better not have been a fight. If they close Slice down on my birthday, I'm going to be the one in the back of that car.

When we all got out, the police approached me.

It didn't occur to me that this might be about Travis. After all, he's a well-known guy. Maybe Adam's uncle forgot to put the stones on his ankles before they tossed him in the river.

...Just speculation.

POLICE OFFICER: You Jeremy?
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: No, Officer, that's me.
POLICE OFFICER: This your brother, Jackson?
JACKSON: Uh...yes.
PAIGE: And I'm their sister. What's going on?
POLICE OFFICER: The three of you are under arrest.
JEREMY: What? What for?
POLICE OFFICER: The murder of your stepfather.
JACKSON: Christopher?

That was when we looked in the backseat and saw Joan banging against the window.

POLICE OFFICER: We pulled over your mother for speeding, and we found blood in her trunk. Your stepfather's been reported missing. If that blood matches his, then you're all going to be prime suspects in his murder.
JACKSON: Officer, is there anyway our mother can take the fall for us?
POLICE OFFICER: You have the right to remain silent--

And so I watched my best friend, his brother, and Paige being put into handcuffs.

Before Jeremy went into the cop car, he looked at me with panic in his eyes.

JEREMY: Davis, if there's anything you can do--
ME: I'll get you out. I promise.

Should be a piece of cake, right?

Crowded House

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

ME: Who used all the hot water?

I am now living a gay version of "Full House."

A month after my friends and I were taken hostage by a madman...again...everything had somewhat returned to normal.

BILLY: Jeremy, have you talked to Jackson about the screaming when he's--
ME: I'm on it.

Well, our version of normal anyway.

Adam's uncle had sent Travis packing, but some things from our trip to New Hampshire have stuck.

For instance--

JACKSON: Bro, you have no idea what you passed up with Nathan. He's like a clown car.
ME: I'm not sure I want to understand that simile.

Right on cue, Nathan walked out of Jackson's room wearing big, red floppy shoes.

ME: Okay, so it was a metaphor.
NATHAN: I'm practicing for clown class tomorrow.
BILLY: You need practice?
NATHAN: Ha ha, aren't you funny?
JACKSON: That must be why our room has all the screaming and Jeremy's room has all the laughs.

My brother and Nathan have been going out this entire month. I would say something about it, but then Nathan might turn his sights back on me.

Knock, knock.

PAIGE: I'll get it! That might be Adam. He's sleeping over tonight.
ME: Tell him there's no food and no hot water. Right now, this apartment has as many luxuries as a Turkish prison.

But it wasn't Adam.

DAVIS: I have to crash here tonight.
BILLY: Oh, come on!
ME: Still having nightmares?
DAVIS: This morning I woke up holding a steak knife.
ME: Maybe you were sleep eating filet mignon?
DAVIS: Please, can I just crash on the couch?
PAIGE: Adam's taking the couch.
ME: Adam can sleep in your room since he's your guest. Yes, Davis, you can have the couch.
DAVIS: Thanks.

I keep trying to get him to see a therapist about what happened with Travis, but getting Davis into therapy is like getting a pig into a bacon factory.

Knock, Knock

PAIGE: That must be Adam!

No dice.

RITCHIE: Hey y'all.

It was Ritchie--with a red nose.

ME: Let me guess. You're Nathan's scene partner.
RITCHIE: Yup.
ME: Second door on the right. Ignore the dents in the walls.

Knock, knock.

BEN: Is my lying, manipulative ex-boyfriend here?
ME: Which one?
BEN: Very funny.
ME: My room is the laugh room.
BEN: Huh?
ME: Never mind. What do you need Nathan for?
BEN: We have to discuss how we're getting rid of our apartment?
ME: Do you need a roommate?
BEN: I guess I could just get a new roommate. Are you interested?
ME: No, but I was going to try pawning Jackson off on you.
BEN: Seeing as how he and Nathan--
ME: Fine. You can have Paige.

Knock, knock.

JOEY: Is Davis here?
ME: Yes.
JOEY: Okay.

. . . . .

ME: Do you need him for something?
JOEY: Just wanted to say hi.
ME: Uh...Okay. He's in the kitchen.
JOEY: Okay.

Great. I know what that means. Davis is relighting old flames.

Knock, knock.

ME: Yes, Carter, how may I help you?
CARTER: I drove by and saw you were having a party. Thanks for inviting me.
ME: Sadly, there's no party here.
CARTER: Are you sure?
ME: Well, I know I'm not having fun.
CARTER: Can I watch tv anyway while I'm here? I don't get cable.
ME: Sure. Why not? At this point, it's practically a commune anyway.

Knock, knock.

ADAM: Hey Jeremy, what's up?
ME: Nothing. I'm just fantasizing about becoming a leper and getting to move to one of those nice colonies where you live in exile.

Finally, I ended up barricaded in my room with Billy.

BILLY: Looks like this is the place to be.
ME: Who knew being popular could make you want to kill yourself?

Billy leaned over and kissed me. I slid my hand up his shirt and felt the coolness on his skin. That always gives me chills.

ME: This may be an insane question considering everything, but--why don't you move with me?
BILLY: Like--officially?
ME: Yeah. Officially.

He smiled.

Hey, what's one more mouth to feed?

Party Crasher

Hi, my name is Adam.

TRAVIS: Can I help you?

I've decided that I'm not putting up with it anymore.

ME: Is this where John Davis and his friends are staying?

TRAVIS: Uh, yes, it is.

ME: Great.

I pushed through the random guy at the door and walked into the living room.

JOEY: Adam?

CARTER: What are you doing here?

JEREMY: Run!

That was when I noticed that all the CBQ's were sitting either on or around the couch with two guys pointing guns at them.

ME: You know what, I don't want to be anywhere I'm not wanted.

TRAVIS: Oh, but we want you here.

He shoved me onto the couch in between Joey and Carter.

ME: Awwwwwkward.

Random guy, who I would later learn was named Travis, then proceeded to pace back and forth like one of those bad guys in the movies.

TRAVIS: Now what am I going to do with you boys?

JACKSON: I say kill Davis and call it a day.

DAVIS: You bitch!

HANK: I second that--sorry, Davis.

TRAVIS: The trouble is, you've all seen me and my friends here. So at the very least, I'm going to have to cut out all your tongues.

CARTER: But I do some of my favorite stuff with my tongue!

I raised my hand.

TRAVIS: I'm sorry--do you have a question?

ME: No, this is just the signal.

TRAVIS: What signal?

ME: The signal to Paige.

JEREMY: Paige?

ME: She's outside the window with my uncle.

That was when four armed men busted down the front door.

ME: My Italian uncle.

Before Travis' men could do anything, one of my uncle's friends came flying through the window, and cracked both their windpipes.

Travis reached for the gun in his pocket, but Davis tackled him, and he went down pretty hard.

BILLY: Adam, what--

ME: I figured you guys would need help once Travis found you.

Paige came running into the house.

PAIGE: That was sooo cool! Way better than when we did it in the practice run.

BEN: There was a PRACTICE run?

ME: My uncle is very thorough.

Jeremy gave me a hug.

JEREMY: Adam, that was amazing.

ME: Does this mean I'm one of the gang?

Everybody looked at each other. Then Davis cleared his throat.

DAVIS: Adam, welcome to the CBQ's.

They're lucky. If he hadn't said that, I was going to turn Uncle Vito on them.

Under the Covers

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: Jackson? Are you awake?

I'm about to make amends with my ex-boyfriend.

This whole being single nonsense is not for me. So I went to Jackson's room to bring him dinner in bed. He said he wasn't feeling well earlier, and I thought maybe some soup would help.

JACKSON'S VOICE: Hank, don't--

Little did I know, he already had somebody rubbing the vapor rub on his chest.

ME: Ahhh!

NATHAN: Hank, this is, um--

JACKSON: Okay, let's face it. It's exactly what it looks like.

All the other guys came running to see what was going on.

BILLY: Jeremy, what the hell are you doing?

JEREMY: Billy--

BILLY: Oh, right, sorry. JACKSON! What the hell are you doing?

JACKSON: Exactly what I want.

BEN: With my boyfriend.

NATHAN: Oh, so we're so serious now?

DAVIS: I'm going to have to burn those sheets.

JACKSON: Shut up, Davis.

CARTER: I didn't even know you guys liked each other.

DAVIS: It's never stopped either of them before.

Jackson locked his eyes on me.

JACKSON: What were you doing?

ME: I was bringing you soup.

JACKSON: Why?

ME: BECAUSE I MISS YOU!

I slammed the tray down onto the floor sending soup flying everywhere.

Good, I thought, I hope somebody got burned.

ME: I'm going home.

JEREMY: You know what? I'm going too.

NATHAN: Jeremy, wait--

JACKSON: Why are you telling him to wait?

BEN: Yeah, same question.

BILLY: Because he loves him.

JACKSON: What?

DAVIS: Haha--that's amazing.

JEREMY: Shut up, Davis. Hank, let's go.

CARTER: I want to come too.

BILLY: Why? Are you mad about something too?

CARTER: Nooo, I just remembered I have class tomorrow.

That was when we heard the front door open.

ME: Great. I let Ritchie borrow my car. I'm getting the keys and I'm getting out of here.

But once I got downstairs--

TRAVIS: Hello Hank. Nice to see you again.

Travis--

Two guys with guns--

Ritchie, Eli, and Joey all cowering in fear--

TRAVIS: Sorry it couldn't be under better circumstances.

Looks like I might be staying an extra night.

The Mechanical Bull

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ME: So do you come here often?

ANTONIO: No, we're only here because God hates us.

ME: Wow, we have something in common.

Joey, Eli, and I had managed to find a little bar on the edge of Dover where we ran into some college kids staying at a local hotel for the American College Theater Festival.

ME: Well, what do you know? College theater majors just ripe for the picking.

ELI: Back off, creepfest. I haven't had a hook-up since I left L.A. I call all these guys.

JOEY: I like the one holding the records.

ME: Joey, that's a jukebox.

JOEY: Maybe I pre-gamed a little too hard.

We sat at a table with these kids from Providence.

Rhode Island is weird like that--it's like the Eerie, Indiana of New England. Rhode Islanders always find each other. You could go to Siberia and chances are you'll run into somebody from Rhode Island.

ME: So what year are you in at RIC, Antonio?

HAYLEY: Did you tell him that's what your name is?

ANTONIO: It's my stage name!

JOEY: It's okay. Mine is Joey Jingles.

ME: He wasn't talking about that kind of stage, Joey.

JOEY: Hahaha...what?

VOICE: Hey guys!

We all turned to see Eli getting on a mechanical bull.

ME: This isn't going to end well.

ELI: ELI'S ABOUT TO BUST THIS BULL!

JOEY: Why is Eli riding that jukebox?

ANTONIO: Wait, Eli? And you're Ritchie, right?

ME: Yeah, you know us?

HAYLEY: Um, you guys are on the Wilde Blog ALL THE TIME!

ELI: You mean last year when that psycho got a hold of it?

ANTONIO: No, we mean like--today.

ME: What?

Hayley took out her IPhone and showed us the blog.

WILDE BLOG: ...That's right, kids. The CBQ's are hiding out in Dover. Let's hope whoever they're hiding from doesn't find them. In New Hampshire, nobody can hear you scream.

Oh f**k.

ME: We have to go.

ANTONIO: But I'm up on the bull in a few--

That was when Eli went flying into the table.

ANTONIO: Maybe I'll pass. That bull is rougher than I thought.

But it wasn't the bull that threw Eli into the table.

VOICE: Hello boys.

Joey and I looked over to see Travis standing next to our table with a guy on each side of him--both of whom looked like they were holding something heavy inside their coats.

TRAVIS: Mind telling me where my ex-boyfriend is?

ANTONIO: Man, you OSC boys have some bad break-ups.

This isn't going to end well.

Three to a Bed

Hi, my name is Billy.

ME: So is there anyone that isn't in love with you?

My boyfriend is suddenly a hot commodity.

Jeremy and I were getting ready for bed. He just disclosed to me that Nathan seems to have feelings for him.

JEREMY: I don't think my brother has the hots for me. Does that count?
ME: I'm so glad you think this is funny.
JEREMY: Billy, if you think I would date Nathan--
ME: That's not the point.
JEREMY: What other point is there?
ME: It makes me nervous.

He laughed and kissed me.

JEREMY: You think after two years of being madly in love with you, I'm just going to jump ship and hop on a skanky schooner?
ME: What about Davis?

That seemed to take him by surprise.

JEREMY: What about Davis?
ME: I saw the way you two looked at each other during the Never Have I Ever game.
JEREMY: We're best friends. We're fond of each other. We occasionally share moments of tenderness. Don't worry--it only happens once every seventy-five years.

Knock, knock.

Jeremy opened the door, and there was Davis--shirtless.

I forgot what an amazing body he has. Jeremy didn't seem to be too taken aback. Maybe I'm making too big a deal of that look during the game.

JEREMY: Can we help you, Mr. Tatum?
DAVIS: Oh, shut up. Can I crash in your bed tonight?
JEREMY: I want you to really think about that question.
ME: What's wrong with your bed?
DAVIS: It smells weird, and it was directly under a leak in the roof. It's either been rained on or sprinkled with dead raccoon's blood.
JEREMY: It can't be any worse than what's been spilled on your bed back home?
DAVIS: Look, we're all adults. Why can't we just share a bed?
ME: Davis, what if Jeremy and I were planning to be intimate tonight?
DAVIS: Hahaha--that's a good one.

He came in and closed the door behind him. Jeremy shot me a look to say--'It's up to you.'

ME: Fine. It's not like we all haven't gotten naked together before--weird as that is to think about.
JEREMY: Davis and I never got totally naked.
DAVIS: Mostly just under the pants action.
ME: Did you two date recently or in junior high?
JEREMY: Hit the lights, smartass.

It only took about ten minutes for me to fall asleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling cold. Usually Jeremy keeps his arms around me, but not this time.

I looked over and saw Davis with his arms around Jeremy.

At first I was furious, then scared.

Does Jeremy like being the inside spoon?

Suddenly my mind was racing. Is Davis better for him than I am? Does he need to feel protected? Does he like the history they share? A history we don't...

I crept down the hall into Davis' room, and took his phone out of his coat pocket.

Then I went into the bathroom, and shut the door.

I had to make a call.

ME: Hi, is this Travis?

Something had to give--

ME: I know where your boyfriend is...

--And it sure as hell isn't going to be me.

The Golden Arches

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JEREMY: I thought you'd be here.

It's actually not that big of a surprise that he found me. I'm at the only McDonald's in Dover--and it's a Saturday night.

That makes this a swinging hotspot.

JEREMY: How are the fries tonight?

ME: Not as good as they were last night.

JEREMY: They smell good.

ME: Do you want some?

JEREMY: No, thanks. I gave up fast food after I saw Super Size Me.

ME: I never saw that.

JEREMY: It's about a guy who gains tons of weight and develops heart problems after eating nothing but McDonald's food for a month.

I pushed my fries aside.

ME: Thanks for ruining that last nugget of heaven in this otherwise hell.

JEREMY: You don't have to be here, you know.

ME: I'm trying to repent.

JEREMY: Nathan, you went a little overboard to keep a guy. We've all done it.

ME: You've faked paralysis?

JEREMY: Hey, I've had sex with Ben, haven't I?

I laughed. Jeremy has a great way of making people laugh.

Maybe that's why I'm falling for him.

ME: To be honest, I care more about you forgiving me then I do Ben forgiving me.

JEREMY: Really, why?

ME: Because I really care about you, Jeremy.

He looked down with those 'uh oh' eyes.

ME: You don't feel the same...gotcha.

JEREMY: I'm with Billy.

ME: Lucky Billy.

JEREMY: Funnily enough, none of you wanted me until I was off the market. I recall Ben being a pretty big catch, but I never was.

ME: People grow up.

JEREMY: Yeah, a little too late.

ME: I know that I picked Ben, but to be fair, so did Billy.

Jeremy stood up.

JEREMY: That was a cheap shot.

ME: Yeah, but not at you.

He leaned over and looked at me--his face softening.

JEREMY: I liked being your friend. I'd like to keep being your friend. But if you can't do that without there being some sort of chance that we'll get together, then maybe we should just forget it.

And with that, he walked away from the table.

I sat there for a second, until two dollar bills fell down on my table.

VOICE: How about you let me take care of those fries for you?

I looked up to see Jeremy--

JACKSON: Unless you have other plans.

--oh.

Well...

Here's an idea.

Live from Dover

Hi, my name is Carter.

JEREMY: Hey Carter, we're going out to get pizza.

ME: They have a pizza place here?

JEREMY: Well, technically it's in Maine, but if I go one more week without pizza, I'm going to start eating snow and speaking in tongues.

ME: I think I'll pass. I have to do some homework.

JEREMY: Homework?

ME: Yeah, just because I'm not at home doesn't mean I can't do it.

JEREMY: No, hey--that's great. I'll see you when we get back. Good luck with your homework. I think I'll go see if the Four Horsemen are here yet.

As soon as Jeremy left, I fired up my computer.

MADMAN26: Hey Carter.

I'd been chatting with Madman over the Internet since we got here, and tonight's going to be the first night I get to see him.

MADMAN26: Why don't you fire up that cam of yours?

ME: You first.

MADMAN26: Come on, I've had a rough day. I could use some entertainment.

ME: You've had a rough day? I've been stuck here in Dover.

MADMAN26: Dover, New Hampshire?

ME: Yeah.

MADMAN26: What are you doing there?

ME: Hiding out with some friends. This guy Travis is trying to find us.

MADMAN26: Sounds dangerous--that's hot.

ME: Yeah, I guess.

MADMAN26: Come on--give me a little show.

I want to say that I held out, but I guess I'm just too much of an exhibit.

After I turned on my cam, I did a few moves--nothing too crazy. I'm a gentleman after all.

MADMAN26: Where did you get that whipped cream?

ME: From my Classy Closet. That's where the feather boa came from too.

MADMAN26: Wow, they're going to love that.

ME: Who's 'they?'

MADMAN26: Everyone in Providence that has a computer.

That's when the photo of who I was really talking to popped on the screen.

LIAM: Hey there, Carter.

SETTER: That was one hell of a performance.

Maybe I should have gone for pizza after all.

Never Have I Ever

Hi, my name is Jackson.

ME: Let's play a little game.

I'm about to start some shit.

JEREMY: Absolutely not.
ME: Why?
JEREMY: Jackson, the last game you played got you thrown out of your first college.
ELI: Oh, lighten up, Jeremy. We have to do something to kill time.

We'd spent all day cleaning out Davis' cabin. Everything got a full make-over except one of the guest rooms upstairs. I heard what sounded like raccoons mating in it, and I decided to just surrender that little love shack to nature.

DAVIS: Hey Carter and Ritchie, where you were you guys this afternoon?
CARTER: In the guest room upstairs.

I'd have preferred walking in on raccoons.

ELI: So what game are we playing?
ME: Never Have I Ever.
DAVIS: No way. I'm not playing that.
ME: Why not?
DAVIS: Because it's no fun. I always win.
ME: The point isn't to win. The point is to get drunk.
DAVIS: And find out secrets.
RITCHIE: I'm in!
HANK: This is going to end badly.

We all got in a circle.

ME: I'll go first.
DAVIS: That's usually how it happens.
ME: I'll ignore that. Never have I ever...
HANK: Already this game is getting difficult.
ME: ...Had a threeway.

Ritchie, Joey, Carter, Davis, and Eli took a drink.

Billy looked over at Ben.

BILLY: Ben?
BEN: Yes?
BILLY: I believe you've earned yourself a drink.
BEN: I wouldn't consider that a threeway.
NATHAN: I very much considered it a threeway.
BEN: I--
NATHAN and BILLY: Drink.

Next up was Ritchie.

RITCHIE: Never have I ever gone shirtless at Prisms.

Carter, Eli, Joey, and I took a drink.

JEREMY: You've totally gone shirtless at Prisms.
RITCHIE: Oops, looks like I gotta drink.

Then came Carter.

CARTER: Never have I ever moved in with anybody I was dating.

Joey drank. Nobody else.

ME: Um...Billy?
BILLY: Yeah.
ME: Don't you think you should take a drink?
BILLY: Why?
ME: You wouldn't say you're living with us?
BILLY: No.
JEREMY: Jackson, it's not like he moved any of his stuff in.
DAVIS: Living with someone is just being there all the time.
BILLY: That is not living with someone.
DAVIS: Yes, it is.
JEREMY: If that was living with someone, then you were living with Travis.
NATHAN: Billy, just take the drink. It's only Sprite anyway.
BILLY: No! I'm not living with Jeremy so I'm not drinking!

Silence.

ME: Okay...moving on.

Eli raised his hand.

ME: You don't have to do that, Eli. Just--
ELI: Never have I ever fooled around in the Fishbowl.
JOEY: Me again? Awww...
CARTER: I'm right with you, Joey.
HANK: You should be. You were probably the one doing it with him.

Luckily for Joey, he was next.

JOEY: Never have I ever fallen in love at first sight.
HANK: Usually he waits for them to take off their wigs.

Jeremy took a drink.

ME: How's the Sprite?
JEREMY: Fantastic.
BILLY: Who was the lucky guy?
ME: I'm looking at him.

He gave Billy a kiss.

ME: Barf. Next?

That meant Hank.

HANK: Never have I ever faked my own death.

Joey and Eli took a drink.

NATHAN: It's really sad that we have two people who can say they've done that.
BEN: Yeah, faking death isn't your thing. Just disabilities.

Then Billy--

BILLY: Never have I ever gotten drunk.

Everybody but Jeremy took a drink.

CARTER: That's irony, isn't it?
RITCHIE: Have another drink, Carter.

Then Jeremy--

JEREMY: Never have I ever been in an open relationship.

Ben and Nathan looked at each other, then took a drink.

BILLY: WHAT?
BEN: It's not like we're in it anymore!
RITCHIE: This is the best game ever.
DAVIS: Define 'relationship.'
ME: Davis, it's like when you've cheated on people, except both parties are doing it.
DAVIS: Alright, smartass. My turn. Never have I ever tried sleeping with somebody my brother liked just because he liked him.

Son-of-a-bitch.

ME: Fine.

I downed the entire drink, then threw the glass across the room.

ME: Ben, you're next.
JEREMY: Why don't we just--
ME: BEN-IS-NEXT.
BEN: Okay! Never have I ever--I don't know--
HANK: Just pick something stupid like--Never have I ever killed somebody.
BEN: Uhhh...how about eating sushi? I've never eaten sushi.
RITCHIE: Lame.

Joey took a drink.

BILLY: Joey, you've eaten sushi?
JOEY: Does it matter?

Finally, we came to the end. I was still fuming over Davis' remark. He was going to pay for that.

NATHAN: Okay. Never have I ever slept with Davis.

Joey, Ben, Ritchie, and Billy each took a drink.

HANK: Jeremy?
JEREMY: Davis and I never slept together.
NATHAN: Oh come on. You guys dated.
JEREMY: Yeah, but we never--got that far.
DAVIS: One of us wanted to wait--to make it...special.
CARTER: Aww, Jeremy's a softie.
JEREMY: He wasn't talking about me.

I looked at my brother, and saw this little glimmer in his eye. Then I looked at Davis and saw the same glimmer in his.

Apparently there was some unfinished business there between the dynamic duo.

Then I saw Billy's eyes and--

BILLY: Okay, we're done.

Game over.

Balls in the Air

Hi, my name is Ben.

JACKSON: Hello roomie.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a juggler.

JACKSON: Don't get any crazy ideas. Just because I look exactly like the boy you're madly in love with--

A really bad juggler.

JACKSON: --I'm a LOT more flexible.
ME: It's creepy you know that about your brother.
JACKSON: Please, we took gym class together in high school--until they watched him attempt to play basketball, then they gave a pass for the rest of the year. The coach couldn't stop laughing long enough to actually teach anything with him there after that.

Knock, knock.

JACKSON: I'm trying to seduce someone in here!

The door opened--

NATHAN: Looks like I got here just in time.
JACKSON: Well, come on in, Nathan. You can walk, can't you?
NATHAN: Very funny. Jackson, can you excuse my boyfriend and I for a second?
JACKSON: Sure. Let me know when you two officially change your Facebook statuses.

Jackson left and Nathan closed the door behind him.

ME: Why did you decide to come up here?
NATHAN: Because I wanted to make things right.
ME: With Jeremy?
NATHAN: With you.
ME: You don't care about me.
NATHAN: Ben, everything I've ever done has been to try and keep you.
ME: You should have tried being honest. That might have worked.
NATHAN: Fine. I'll be honest. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
ME: No way. You're just freaking out because now that you can't blackmail me with anything, there's no reason for me to stay with you.
NATHAN: Are you sure about that blackmail part?

He took his IPhone out of his pocket, and with one touch--

MY VOICE: Eli, what are you doing here? What's going on with Taylor?
ELI'S VOICE: He's insane, Ben!
MY VOICE: He's supposed to be dead!
ELI'S VOICE: What are you talking about?
MY VOICE: Eli, I killed Taylor!

Nathan put the IPhone away and smiled.

ME: I thought I killed him, but I guess not.
NATHAN: Something tells me it won't matter. You showed up shaking on my doorstep and confessed--
ME: And you promised not to say anything.
NATHAN: If we're not together, then I don't need to keep any promises to you.
ME: Nathan, I'm warning you--
NATHAN: No, I'm warning YOU.

Knock, knock.

I opened the door, but nobody was there.

NATHAN: It came from that door.

He pointed towards what I thought was the closet door.

ME: Oh no.

The door opened.

BILLY: Did you forget that these are adjoining rooms?
ME: Uh, I guess so.

How much did he--

BILLY: By the way, I heard everything.

And the balls come tumbling down.

The Hotel New Hampshire

Hi, my name is Davis.

ME: Welcome to Paradise.

This is my cabin.

HANK: It smells like okra.

Okay, my parent's summer house on the Cape would have been a better choice.

JEREMY: Davis, when was the last time anyone stayed here?
ME: Let's see, I was a junior--
JACKSON: In college?
ME: Yeah, let's go with that.

Something ran over my feet. I didn't panic though.

JOEY: Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

I let Joey do that instead.

ELI: I think I saw a run-down old motel with an axe murderer inside it a few miles back.
BEN: I'll warm up the car.

I grabbed Ben by the back of his shirt, and whispered in his ear.

ME: Go where you want, but Jeremy is staying here with me.

I could see Ben biting his tongue, but finally he said--

BEN: Come on, guys. This'll be fun.
BILLY: Since when are you so upbeat?
BEN: It's a new me.

Jeremy caught that one, and smiled.

Maybe it was wrong of me to use Ben's feelings for my best friend against him, but I didn't want to stuck in this creepy place alone without someone to feed the raccoons to if things get crazy.

CARTER: Um, guys, if this turns into a scary movie, and I'm black--

We have raccoon bait.

RITCHIE: So just who is rooming with whom? Huh?
BILLY: Me and Jeremy, obviously.

Shocker.

JOEY: I'll room with Davis.

Great. I just love old flames. They always end up burning up your life all over again.

RITCHIE: Actually, Joey, why don't you room with me and Hank can room with Davis. He did save his life.
ME: I like that idea.

Hank will be a fun roommate--meaning that I can kick him out once I get drunk enough to nail one of these morons.

BEN: Who am I rooming with?
CARTER: You can room with me, Ben.
ELI: Or me.
BILLY: Or all three of you can room together. I'm sure Davis has a futon lying around here somewhere.

A hand went up in the group.

JACKSON: Ben can room with me. Carter and Eli can room with Jeremy and Billy. I saw a room with two beds. That way the saints can play baby-sitters.

Jeremy didn't seem to like this idea, but he didn't say anything until everyone went to unpack their stuff.

JEREMY: Jackson, you don't have to room with Ben. You can room with me and Billy and Carter can--
JACKSON: What's the matter, Jeremy? Don't like me sleeping so close to your old boyfriend?
BILLY: No, he doesn't care. He's got a new boyfriend. Right, Jeremy?
JEREMY: Absolutely.

There was a knock on the door.

ME: Damn! It's probably Travis.
JEREMY: He couldn't have found us already.
VOICE: Guys! Let me in!

Billy went to the door and opened it--

BILLY: Looks like we're going to need one more bed.

--And there was Nathan.

A Little Vacation

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

JACKSON: He's going to kill us all.

My brother is overreacting.

DAVIS: Jackson, he only wants to kill me...and anyone with me.

Okay, maybe he's not overreacting THAT MUCH.

Hank showed up at a party at my apartment bearing an unconscious Davis in his arms.

When Davis woke up, he convinced us to call off the rescue squad.

DAVIS: This is the kind of thing you keep low-profile.
JOEY: How did Travis find out about your past?
DAVIS: He read it in the Wilde Blog.
PAIGE: Did he like the new aesthetic?

Silence.

PAIGE: Because that might helps us...figure out his frame of mind.
JACKSON: Paige, we know his frame of mind. He's insane.
BEN: What are you going to do, Davis?
DAVIS: I'm thinking I could hide out for awhile and organize my thoughts. My parents have a cabin in New Hampshire.
ME: I'm going with you.

Everyone looked at me.

ME: If Travis finds you--
DAVIS: He's not going to find me.
HANK: I don't know, Davis. It seems like he really wanted to kill you.
ME: I'm going with you. End of discussion.
BILLY: Uh, Jeremy, can I talk to you for a second?

Billy pulled me into my bedroom.

ME: Is something wrong?
BILLY: Yes, apparently, your brain.
ME: Excuse me?
BILLY: You can't run off with Davis. If he's in trouble--
ME: Then I'm in trouble. He's my best friend.
BILLY: I understand that.
ME: Then don't ask me to abandon him.
BILLY: I wasn't--

But I was already out the door.

I had a plan.

ME: Look, there's safety in numbers, and we could all use a little vacation. Why don't a group of us go up to New Hampshire together and that way if Travis shows up--
ELI: We can what? Tackle him? Be serious.
ME: Fine. I just thought it might just be a nice chance for everybody to get drunk and...spend quality time with each other.

I saw the eyes dart around the room.

Hank wants to get back with Jackson.

HANK: I'm in.

Ritchie wants to hook up with Joey.

RITCHIE: Me too.

Joey wants to hook up with Davis.

JOEY: Yeah, me too.

Ben wants me to like him again.

BEN: I'm coming too.

Which means--

BILLY: So am I.

And with all that potential--

CARTER: I'll go home and pack.
JACKSON: You gotta live a little, right?
ELI: Should I start pre-gaming now?

I heard a squeal and realized I'd forgotten something.

PAIGE: I'll bring snacks!

Ugh...

ME: Paige, you and Adam should stay here and find out if Travis asks around about Davis.
ADAM: Why can't Paige stay here while I go with you guys?
ME: Because you only want to hook up with people, and the rest of us are going to...

Hook-up.
Hook-up.
Hook-up.

ME: ...bond.
ADAM: Oh please. That is such--
PAIGE: Adam, it's totally fine! This means we can have slumber parties.

Adam narrowed his eyes at me.

ADAM: You'll pay for this.

It was for the best.

The less people for Travis to shoot at--

--the better.

Persona Non Grata

Hi, my name is Adam.

ELI: I'm sorry--have we met?

Welcome to the Zombie Party.

ME: Actually, I think--
ELI: Never mind. I'm not drunk enough to care.

In honor of Eli coming back from the dead--along with Joey's resurrection--Jackson decided to throw a zombie party.

JACKSON: Adam!
ME: Hey Jackson.
JACKSON: Uh...what are you doing here?
ME: Um, I'm here for the party. Paige invited me.
JACKSON: Did she now? Oh Paige!

Everyone was shooting me looks at the party. Maybe they knew about my fling with Carter.

Oh well, I wasn't going to let it spoil my good time. Who were they to judge? They'd all hooked up with Carter too.

NATHAN: Well, well, well.

Okay, maybe not all of them.

NATHAN: If it isn't the newly christened OSC skank.
ME: Excuse me?
NATHAN: First you sleep with me, then Joey, then Carter--

Hmm, maybe I had forgotten about the math.

NATHAN: Not the way to put your best foot forward, Adam.
ME: You're right. I should have just faked a disability.
NATHAN: Do you realize who you're talking to?
ME: Clearly someone a LOT older than me.

I felt someone's hand on my shoulder.

JEREMY: Adam?

Oh good--one of the friendlier CBQ's.

JEREMY: Why don't you leave?

WHAT?!?!

ME: Why?
JEREMY: Look, this isn't the best group of people to involve yourself with, okay?
ME: Then why are you involved with them?

Pause.

JEREMY: Because I don't get cable, and this is the next best thing.
ME: Fine. I never really wanted to go to this stupid party anyway.
JEREMY: That's for the best.
ME: Please can't I just stay until someone makes out with me?
JEREMY: Good-bye Adam.

I ran into Paige in the hallway.

PAIGE: Hey, where are you going?
ME: Nobody wants me here, Paige.
PAIGE: I want you here.
ME: You don't count.
PAIGE: Gee, thanks.

That was when the elevator doors opened to reveal Hank--

HANK: Get a doctor.

--holding an unconscious Davis in his arms.

HANK: Didn't you hear me? Call 9-1-1!

The door to the apartment opened, and all the boys came rushing out.

JEREMY: Davis!
NATHAN: What happened?
BILLY: Is he alright?
JOEY: Hank, what--
RITCHIE: I'm calling an ambulance now.
ELI: Is he breathing?
CARTER: Did his boyfriend do this?
BEN: Oh God, this is bad.
JACKSON: Put him in the apartment.

This party might be worth fighting for after all.

The Nasty Break

Hi, my name is Hank.

DAVIS: I have a proposition for you.
ME: Does it involve a noose and a shaky chair?

Ever since I found out that my ex-boyfriend's mother fixed me up with a male escort, I've been feeling a little low.

So when Davis asked me to meet him at his apartment and wear something nice; I figured my luck was over. Everybody wants to shack up with John Davis, and a little fling would be just what I needed to bump my spirits.

DAVIS: I want you to seduce my boyfriend.

So much for bumping--of any kind.

ME: I'm leaving.
DAVIS: Hear me out!

I should have known I wasn't going to have sex when Davis answered the door in a button-down. That many buttons indicates no desire to get naked quickly.

DAVIS: Hank, my boyfriend is a rich, powerful, and handsome guy.
ME: Then why do you want me to sleep with him?
DAVIS: Because I'm scared he's going to smother me in my sleep.
ME: Annnnd we're done.
DAVIS: Look, let's break this down. You're single. You're depressed. You have no goals.
ME: About that noose--
DAVIS: Travis and you would be a good fit. You wouldn't get him angry like I do.
ME: What do you mean?
DAVIS: Well, for one thing, you wouldn't want to sleep with other people and you don't need to see natural light every day.

The door opened and the man of the hour appeared.

TRAVIS: Are we having a party?
DAVIS: No, but I did want you to meet my friend, Hank.
TRAVIS: Nice to meet you, Hank.
ME: Ditto. I was just leaving.
TRAVIS: I think that's a good idea.
DAVIS: Travis, Hank is a great guy. You should get to know him.
TRAVIS: Why would I want to get to know my ex-boyfriend's friend?

Silence.

DAVIS: Beg your pardon?
TRAVIS: I did some digging today, Davis, and I found out some things that are...discomforting to me.
DAVIS: Such as?

Things that Davis has done that a boyfriend wouldn't like to know about?

That would be one long list.

TRAVIS: Instigating orgies for personal gain, derailing an entire gay organization, sleeping with everyone and anyone--
ME: Sounds like you, Davis.
DAVIS: How do you know about all this?
TRAVIS: That Wilde Blog.

Oh boy.

TRAVIS: It's a damn good read.

I started to inch towards the door.

TRAVIS: You made a fool out of me.
DAVIS: You knew what you were getting into when we started dating.
TRAVIS: I know that I just swam in a dirty pool--and now I have to clean myself off.
ME: I'm a little lost with that metaphor.
TRAVIS: I'm going to give you some time to disappear, Davis.
DAVIS: I'm not going anywhere. This is my town.
TRAVIS: You can either walk away--or run. It's up to you.

Davis stepped up to Travis. I'm not sure he even realized I was in the room.

DAVIS: Fuck you, Travis. I wish I'd fucked everyone and anyone on your expensive fucking sheets.

Travis hauled off, and knocked Davis out.

I immediately knelt down to see if he was totally unconscious.

Travis stood over me.

TRAVIS: Get him out of here.

I picked up Davis, and slung him over my shoulder.

TRAVIS: Oh, and when he wakes up--

He smiled.

TRAVIS: Tell him he's a dead man.

That was when I ran.

Movie Night

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ADAM: Hey Ritchie, how are you?
ME: I'm dandy. Can I help you?
ADAM: I thought maybe we could have a movie night.

Adam has stopped by to try and get in my pants.

I can tell just by the movies he brought over to "watch."

ME: Bridge on the River Kwai? You have no intention of watching that.
ADAM: Are you kidding? I love war--and Kwai.

This is where I let him down--hard.

ME: You do know that I know you slept with Carter, right?
ADAM: Uh, how do you know that?
ME: Because he told everybody.
ADAM: Are you kidding?
ME: Nooo. Not only was it his Facebook status, but today it wound up on Wilde Blog.

WILDE BLOG!!!

THE NEW KID IN TOWN HAS ALREADY SLEPT WITH THE TOWN SLUT.

THAT'S RIGHT. ADAM'S LOST HIS SHEEN.

SOMEBODY FIND A VIOLIN TO PLAY

So sad, so sad.

ADAM: So, does this mean we can't sleep together?
ME: You got it.
ADAM: But you slept with Carter!
ME: But your appeal was that you hadn't. It's like the Wilde Blog said. Once someone sleeps with Carter, they become just another gay slut. He's like the apple in the garden of Eden. You've fallen from grace, Adam.
ADAM: But that's not fair!
ME: Welcome to Hypocrites and Homos. The world's a frustrating place.

I shut the door on him.

Joey popped his head out of his room.

JOEY: Is he gone?
ME: Yes, and you can come out now.

He's been avoiding Adam since Joey decided he was bored with their fling-ing.

...Which is good news for me.

ME: So you want to watch a movie?
JOEY: Sure. What do you want to watch?
ME: How about All Quiet on the Western Front?
JOEY: Um...okay. I'll change into my pajamas.
ME: Sounds good.

Hey, what do you know?

I like a little combat too.

All the Little Secrets

Hi, my name is Billy.

ME: Ready to go to the movie?
JEREMY: Nathan can walk.
ME: Maybe we can catch the late show.

I stopped by Ben and Nathan's to grab Jeremy for our movie. When I got there, Ben opened the door looking angrier than I've ever seen him, and Nathan was nowhere to be found.

Ben and Jeremy filled me in on what was happening.

ME: He's been faking it this whole time?
BEN: I guess he had some paralysis after the accident, but once it went away, he kept right on pretending to keep me feeling guilty.
ME: Wow, and I thought you were the asshole in the relationship.
JEREMY: He still is! He still tried to hit on you.
BEN: I only did that because I wanted to be with you.

Silence.

JEREMY: What?
BEN: That was the reason I drove my car off the road. I told Nathan I wanted to come back to Rhode Island this summer so I could win you back, and he grabbed the steering wheel and--
ME: So why did you hit on me?
BEN: I figured if I could break you two up, it would be a lot easier for me to get back together with Jeremy.
JEREMY: That's insane!
BEN: I still think it could have worked.

So he didn't even want me. It was all a plan.

Jeremy looked mad, but...I could see there was something else there.

He was flattered.

His voice instantly softened.

JEREMY: Ben, why didn't you just tell me you still had feelings for me?
ME: Would it have mattered?
JEREMY: What? No. Of course not. But it would have been better than going through all this.
BEN: I'm sorry.
ME: Wow, that's a first.
JEREMY: Let's just stop, okay?
ME: Where's Nathan?
BEN: He walked out on us as soon as we started confronting him.

Knock, knock.

JEREMY: That must be him.
BEN: Look, I know I messed up, but I promise--that's the last of the secrets, okay?

He opened the door--and there was Eli.

BEN: Okay, maybe not the LAST of the secrets...

So much for the movie.

Walk Like a Man

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JEREMY: I don't get it, Nathan.

Progress is not my friend.

JEREMY: I thought we'd see more results by now.

Jeremy has been helping me with my physical therapy for a few weeks now, but we weren't getting anywhere. This is partly because I don't need physical therapy. I can walk just fine, but I don't need anybody to know that.

I figure once I'm ready, I can start to show signs of improvement.

Until then, I have Jeremy developing a serious Florence Nightingale complex, Ben is still under my thumb, and I just joined a wheelchair basketball league.

Life is good.

ME: Jeremy, don't worry about it. The doctors said it could take time before I can walk again.

I never actually saw a doctor, but I'm assuming that's what one would say to me if I was actually disabled.

JEREMY: Well, in the meantime, I'll just keep working with you.
ME: You're so sweet.

He was still next to me on the mat in my bedroom, so I leaned over and--

JEREMY: Whoa, what are you doing?
ME: I'm sorry.
JEREMY: Nathan, I'm with Billy.

Stupid Billy. If Ben had just seduced him like he was supposed to, I'd be with Jeremy right now.

ME: I know, it's just...I get so lonely.
JEREMY: But you have Ben.
ME: Oh, come on, Jeremy. I know Ben tried to sleep with Billy. I know that's why you two aren't talking.

I actually encouraged Ben's plan, but when it failed, I told him that if he tried dragging me down with him, I'd tell everyone that he was driving the car that technically should have put me in a wheelchair...but didn't.

JEREMY: Why don't you break up with him then?
ME: And be by myself? I wouldn't make it.
JEREMY: Sure you would. You're stronger than you think.
ME: Jeremy, please, I'm depressed enough as it is.

I got up into my chair hoping my pity party worked.

JEREMY: I'm sorry. I know it must be hard. But just know that you'll never be alone. I'll always be here.

That was when the fire alarm went off.

I jumped up out of the chair, grabbed Jeremy, and ran into the living room...

VOICE: Oh my God!

...And right into Ben.

BEN: I was going to tell you guys that I burnt dinner.

I turned around and looked at Jeremy. He was horrified.

Ben didn't look too thrilled either.

BEN: So I guess that therapy's working wonders, huh?

Well, what do you know?

A miracle.

That Old Mistake

Hi, my name is Carter.

ADAM: This was a mistake.
ME: It always is.

I just hooked up with Adam, the new guy.

We ran into each other at Prisms. He seemed pretty upset.

ME: You look upset.
ADAM: I am.
ME: What's wrong?
ADAM: Joey broke up with me.
ME: Were you two dating?
ADAM: Sort of. We were sleeping together on a regular basis.
ME: Wow, I must be dating like seven people.

Adam and I talked for a little bit more, then we ended up drinking, then we ended up dancing, then we ended up--

ADAM: Oh God...I don't think I was supposed to sleep with you.
ME: Yeah, it's usually not a good idea. But people do it anyway.

Looks like I got to Adam just in time. Once people hear about my unfair reputation, they avoid me.

It totally kills my game.

ADAM: You're not going to tell anyone about this, right?
ME: Nooo....

I didn't tell him I already put it as my Facebook status.

A boy's gotta have his secrets.

Before Someone Drops a House On You

Hi, my name is Jackson.

JOAN: Jackson, I seem to be having a problem.
ME: Which is?
JOAN: My things are all outside in the parking lot.
ME: Oh right. I kicked you out of the apartment.

Today might be one of the happiest days of my life.

JOAN: Is this a joke?

Paige popped out of the hallway with the last box.

PAIGE: Maybe for us. Jackson and I were just cracking up when we were packing your stuff.
JOAN: You can't be serious.
ME: Hank called Mom--to apologize. Apparently you set him up with a hooker.
JOAN: They're called escorts, Jackson.
ME: You purposefully destroyed my relationship.
JOAN: Only because I know you can do better.
ME: No, you did it because you can't stand to see me be happy.
JOAN: That's ridiculous. You used to say the same thing when you were little just because you were fat and had low self-esteem.
ME: Paige, give me that box.

I took it, opened the window, and tossed it out.

PAIGE: That was all her breakables.
ME: I'm aware.

Mom got that frantic look in her eye. She was trying to figure out a way to stay.

JOAN: You can't do this. I'm your mother. I--
ME: You're a murderer.
JOAN: It was an accident!
ME: Is that how the police would see it?
JOAN: You two were involved!

Paige and I smiled at each other.

ME: Mom, didn't you notice us putting on gloves before we left with Chris' remains?

Mom's face dropped--might be time for another visit to Dr. Travers.

PAIGE: Looks like I have my room back.
ME: Try not to miss us too much, Mom.
JOAN: Go to hell. Both of you!

She walked out and slammed the door.

Ding Dong...

California Boy

Hi, my name is Ben.

VOICE: Well, hello.

I've been trying to get ahold of Eli since he told me that Taylor was alive, but I hadn't had any luck until--

ELI: Sorry I've been so biz. Life, love, lust, llamas--you know the drill.
ME: Eli, what--llamas?

Nathan was out getting dinner with Jeremy.

Jeremy still isn't speaking to me, but he's just fine and dandy with Nathan. I'm tempted to tell him that Nathan was fully aware that I was trying to break up him and Billy, but my credibility is shot.

I'm only hoping that I don't have to worry about more dead people coming back to life anytime soon.

ME: Eli, when you said Taylor--
ELI: Ugh, so done with him.
ME: Yes, but--
ELI: All he wanted to talk about was you. And call me old-fashioned, but when I'm giving head to a guy, I don't need him talking about one of my friends.
ME: Eli, Taylor's supposed to be dead!

Silence.

ELI: Uh...pardon me?

It was in California. Taylor and I had spiraled completely out of control. We were drunk every night. Other stuff was going down. Taylor was getting into drugs.

One night we went driving and--

Knock, Knock.

ME: Damn, that's probably Nathan. He left his keys here. Hang on a sec--

I opened the door.

ELI: Hanging.

And there was Eli.

The Perfect Match

Hi, my name is Davis.

TRAVIS: You wanted to talk?

I'm about to break things off with Travis.

I even brought him to a nice restaurant just in case he decides to kill me.

Don't laugh--he already got rid of Skyler. I'm not really crying any tears over that, but I don't want to be his next pet project.

ME: Travis, I don't think things are working out.
TRAVIS: Oh really? What things?
ME: Me. You. Us. Those things.
TRAVIS: Oh...really?
ME: Yes.
TRAVIS: I disagree.

He took a sip of his water. This is the only man I've ever met who can make sipping look dangerous.

ME: Well, whether you disagree or not--we're over.

Travis raised an eyebrow. I haven't gotten tough with him, because, you know, I like my arms attached to my body.

But I've had enough. It was time for the old Davis to make an appearance at this table.

TRAVIS: You're not going anywhere unless I say you are.
ME: Maybe you've forgotten that I run this town, and you're not the only rich bitch I'm acquainted with, Travis. So when I say I'm going, I'm going.

I stood up and started to walk away.

TRAVIS: Does that protection extend to your friend Jeremy?

I stopped.

TRAVIS: You may be able to keep yourself safe, but can you guarantee that something unfortunate won't happen to him?

I turned around, picked up a knife off the table, and slid my hand underneath the tablecloth so that it was pressing up against Travis' tax exemption.

ME: You stay away from Jeremy.
TRAVIS: Then sit back down and enjoy your meal.
ME: Nobody blackmails me, Travis.
TRAVIS: Blackmail is for poor people. Manipulation is more my style. Now if you don't sit down in the next three seconds, I'll hit a button and Jeremy's going to have a nasty run-in with one of my rich bitch acquaintances.

I sat down. Travis laughed.

TRAVIS: Face it, baby. You've met your match.

For the first time, I feel completely out of control.

You've Alive! How Dare You!

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

ME: What the hell were you thinking?

Joey's alive.

JOEY: I was hungry.

I want to kill him.

BILLY: He wasn't asking why you went to the restaurant. He wanted to know why you didn't tell us you were alive.

He did the Joey shrug.

JOEY: There never seemed to be a good time.

I missed that shrug.

All of us had gathered at Ritchie's apartment to welcome Joey back, and by welcome him back, I mean assault him.

JOEY: Ow! Stop slapping me!
NATHAN: You deserve it! How could you lie like that?
ME: Nathan's been in a wheelchair all this time and hurt all this time and--
NATHAN: Okay, maybe lying wasn't SO bad, but--
DAVIS: Or maybe he just wanted to shack up with Ritchie without any of us knowing.

Ritchie stood up.

RITCHIE: Does anyone want chips? What a bad host I've been.
BEN: Sit down, Ritchie. We haven't even gotten to you yet.
JOEY: There's nothing on between Ritchie and me!
RITCHIE: I wouldn't say nothing...

Silence.

RITCHIE: I mean, we worked out a really great chore schedule.
CARTER: So wait, Joey, you're alive?

Everyone started to shout over each other. I held up the conch.

ME: Hold it! First of all, Ritchie, why do you own a conch?
HANK: Do you really want the answer to that question?
ME: Second of all, Joey's back. We should all be happy.
JACKSON: Not until he pays.
ME: Oh, come on, what do you want him to do?
PAIGE: Oooh! This could be like a game!
ADAM: Do I have to be here for this?
DAVIS: Who the hell are you anyway?

More shouting ensued. I went into the kitchen, found a can of whipped cream, walked back into the living room, and sprayed it all over Joey's face.

HANK: Ummm...
ME: There, I feel better. I think I saw chocolate sauce in the fridge if anyone else wants to have a go.

A bottle of mustard, one can of olives, and something that looked like a tuna sandwich later, and we all were feeling pretty good.

JOEY: Am I forgiven now?
ME: No.

But it's a start.