Hi, my name is Jeremy.
JACKSON: I don't see what the big deal is.
He's saying this as reporters are camped outside our apartment.
ME: You don't see how telling the press that Billy had an affair with Bart would be a big deal?
JACKSON: I assumed they'd be outside Billy's apartment, not ours.
ME: They want our opinion on the whole mess.
JACKSON: So give it to them. Tell them Billy's an ass.
ME: Yeah, I'm sure that'll look great on the front cover of a newspaper.
Leave it to my brother to stir up a s**tshow.
VOICE: I just love papparazzi in the morning!
Our mother was lapping this all up.
ME: Mom, please, don't encourage--any of this.
JOAN: You're no fun, sweetie.
JACKSON: At least she didn't give one of them her number like Paige did.
ME: What could have possessed you to do this?
Jackson put down his magazine and stared right at me.
JACKSON: They were asking about Dad.
I think I could feel the blood draining from my face.
ME: What?
JACKSON: The reporter. He wanted to know why you never write about Dad.
ME: What did you say to him?
JACKSON: I said, 'Billy and Bart were having an affair. Go ahead, boy, fetch!' And it worked. You're welcome.
I forget that despite his methods, Jackson usually does have good intentions where the family is concerned.
ME: What if they ask again? We're running out of scandals.
JOAN: Maybe we'll need to make some more then.
ME: Mom, that's not funny.
JOAN: Darling, when sharks smell blood in the water, all you can do to save yourself is cut up someone else to feed to them.
JACKSON: So that's how your honeymoon cruise went.
Mom smiled.
And when she smiles, I get nervous.
Really nervous.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Everybody Asks Questions
Hi, my name is Jackson.
VOICE: Jeremy?
Here we go.
I was sitting at a coffee shop trying to decompress with my extra-caffeinated espresso when what was obviously a reporter tapped me on the shoulder.
ME: Actually, I'm Jackson.
That used to disappoint a few and send them walking away, but the really bright ones realize that a twin brother may have just as many juicy stories as the man himself.
REPORTER: Great. I'd love to talk to you!
This guy was a bright one.
Lucky for me.
ME: Look, let me save you some time. Jeremy is a terrible brother. Our mother drank. Our sister is a transvestite, and I was beaten on a daily basis by a next-door neighbor named Claude. Does that give you enough to work with?
I was already back to my copy of Details when he said--
REPORTER: And what about your father?
Even the brightest of reporters rarely bring up the "D" word. Maybe they sense that it's a sore subject. Little do they know.
I turned around with my best smile laid out across my face. If I were dealing with a gay man or a woman, this is where charm would come in handy, but whoever sent this guy was smart enough to send a straightie.
That meant a different tactic.
ME: Our father died in a hunting accident.
REPORTER: What was he hunting?
ME: Christian scientists. He was a very sick man.
REPORTER: Is there a reason your brother's never written about him?
ME: You'd have to ask my brother.
REPORTER: Did your father and your brother have a good relationship?
If anyone asks, he disappeared. Okay? That's the story.
ME: They were very close.
Until the untimely...
REPORTER: You don't think it's odd that someone who writes about everything would refrain from writing about one of their parents?
ME: Oh, I think it's very odd, but then again, I think everything that goes on in this city is pretty damn odd.
I stood up to go.
REPORTER: I actually had a few more questions.
ME: Refer them to my publicist.
REPORTER: You have a publicist?
ME: No, but when I get one, I'll let you know.
Then, just because every once in awhile you have to throw them a little something...
ME: By the way, did you know Bart and Billy, two of the original CBQ's, were having an affair right before Bart went nuts.
REPORTER: Is that a fact?
ME: Do you care?
One more smile, and then I was off.
That should keep the press away from our Daddy issues.
At least, for now.
VOICE: Jeremy?
Here we go.
I was sitting at a coffee shop trying to decompress with my extra-caffeinated espresso when what was obviously a reporter tapped me on the shoulder.
ME: Actually, I'm Jackson.
That used to disappoint a few and send them walking away, but the really bright ones realize that a twin brother may have just as many juicy stories as the man himself.
REPORTER: Great. I'd love to talk to you!
This guy was a bright one.
Lucky for me.
ME: Look, let me save you some time. Jeremy is a terrible brother. Our mother drank. Our sister is a transvestite, and I was beaten on a daily basis by a next-door neighbor named Claude. Does that give you enough to work with?
I was already back to my copy of Details when he said--
REPORTER: And what about your father?
Even the brightest of reporters rarely bring up the "D" word. Maybe they sense that it's a sore subject. Little do they know.
I turned around with my best smile laid out across my face. If I were dealing with a gay man or a woman, this is where charm would come in handy, but whoever sent this guy was smart enough to send a straightie.
That meant a different tactic.
ME: Our father died in a hunting accident.
REPORTER: What was he hunting?
ME: Christian scientists. He was a very sick man.
REPORTER: Is there a reason your brother's never written about him?
ME: You'd have to ask my brother.
REPORTER: Did your father and your brother have a good relationship?
If anyone asks, he disappeared. Okay? That's the story.
ME: They were very close.
Until the untimely...
REPORTER: You don't think it's odd that someone who writes about everything would refrain from writing about one of their parents?
ME: Oh, I think it's very odd, but then again, I think everything that goes on in this city is pretty damn odd.
I stood up to go.
REPORTER: I actually had a few more questions.
ME: Refer them to my publicist.
REPORTER: You have a publicist?
ME: No, but when I get one, I'll let you know.
Then, just because every once in awhile you have to throw them a little something...
ME: By the way, did you know Bart and Billy, two of the original CBQ's, were having an affair right before Bart went nuts.
REPORTER: Is that a fact?
ME: Do you care?
One more smile, and then I was off.
That should keep the press away from our Daddy issues.
At least, for now.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Someone's Always in a Coma
Hi, my name is Hank.
ME: Explosives. Somebody's really stepping it up.
We were all at the hospital visiting Ritchie, who was currently in a coma after someone tried to kill him.
JOEY: Hank, are you worried?
ME: Worried about what?
JOEY: You and Ritchie were sleeping together.
ME: So?
JOEY: It's been my experience that the people you're sleeping with often try to kill you.
JACKSON: I only try to kill people who stop sleeping with me.
DAVIS, ME, ADAM: Truth.
The police were still investigating but it seemed reasonable to believe that one of the CBQ's was responsible for the bomb.
NATHAN: Clearly, this was Billy's doing.
JEREMY: We don't know that.
JOEY: I don't know. He seemed pretty angry at the restaurant.
ME: He didn't want Ritchie going on the air and talking about his dirty little affair with Bart.
JEREMY: Billy's not capable of murdering someone.
ME: Isn't that what people always say about murderers?
Once I started looking around the room, I realized that most of the people in it were probably capable of murder.
Five years ago, we were all just catty little bitches, but lately some of us had gone off the deep end.
Admittedly, myself included.
DAVIS: Once Ritchie wakes up, we'll find out who did this.
ADAM: How do you know he knows who did it?
ME: How do you know he's going to wake up?
Everyone looked at me.
ME: What?
It's an honest question.
ME: Explosives. Somebody's really stepping it up.
We were all at the hospital visiting Ritchie, who was currently in a coma after someone tried to kill him.
JOEY: Hank, are you worried?
ME: Worried about what?
JOEY: You and Ritchie were sleeping together.
ME: So?
JOEY: It's been my experience that the people you're sleeping with often try to kill you.
JACKSON: I only try to kill people who stop sleeping with me.
DAVIS, ME, ADAM: Truth.
The police were still investigating but it seemed reasonable to believe that one of the CBQ's was responsible for the bomb.
NATHAN: Clearly, this was Billy's doing.
JEREMY: We don't know that.
JOEY: I don't know. He seemed pretty angry at the restaurant.
ME: He didn't want Ritchie going on the air and talking about his dirty little affair with Bart.
JEREMY: Billy's not capable of murdering someone.
ME: Isn't that what people always say about murderers?
Once I started looking around the room, I realized that most of the people in it were probably capable of murder.
Five years ago, we were all just catty little bitches, but lately some of us had gone off the deep end.
Admittedly, myself included.
DAVIS: Once Ritchie wakes up, we'll find out who did this.
ADAM: How do you know he knows who did it?
ME: How do you know he's going to wake up?
Everyone looked at me.
ME: What?
It's an honest question.
Now Where Did I Park?
Hi, my name is Ritchie.
BILLY: Okay, we can talk about it on-air, but only if you promise--
This was going to be it.
The push I finally needed in the ratings to get me to that next level.
That Oprah-Ellen-Springer level that only the truly legendary attain.
Billy and I set out some ground rules, and some albeit unusual conditions, and then I was done for the day and ready to go soak in my kidney-shaped jacuzzi.
On my way to my car in the parking garage, I got the distinct feeling that somebody was following me.
It couldn't be Billy. I saw him pull away as I was leaving the building.
So who--
I heard footsteps.
I started to run.
My car was on the third level. If I could just make it there or run into somebody, anybody, I'd be fine.
The footsteps behind me stopped.
I turned around.
Nobody.
I went up a flight, and there was my car.
No scratches, no air let out of the tires.
Fame was making me paranoid.
I hit the "Unlock" button on my keychain.
And that was when the car exploded--
--And I got thrown into the air wondering if anything like this ever happened to Jerry.
BILLY: Okay, we can talk about it on-air, but only if you promise--
This was going to be it.
The push I finally needed in the ratings to get me to that next level.
That Oprah-Ellen-Springer level that only the truly legendary attain.
Billy and I set out some ground rules, and some albeit unusual conditions, and then I was done for the day and ready to go soak in my kidney-shaped jacuzzi.
On my way to my car in the parking garage, I got the distinct feeling that somebody was following me.
It couldn't be Billy. I saw him pull away as I was leaving the building.
So who--
I heard footsteps.
I started to run.
My car was on the third level. If I could just make it there or run into somebody, anybody, I'd be fine.
The footsteps behind me stopped.
I turned around.
Nobody.
I went up a flight, and there was my car.
No scratches, no air let out of the tires.
Fame was making me paranoid.
I hit the "Unlock" button on my keychain.
And that was when the car exploded--
--And I got thrown into the air wondering if anything like this ever happened to Jerry.
An Affair to Forget
Hi, my name is Billy.
RITCHIE: If you're here to kill me, I should let you know that I have a security guard waiting right outside the door.
ME: I gave him twenty bucks, and he said he'd be back in an hour.
RITCHIE: You know, it's getting harder and harder to find good help.
I shut the door to Ritchie's office.
ME: Did Bart tell you that he and I were having an affair?
RITCHIE: Not in so many words--
ME: RITCHIE!
RITCHIE: FINE! Yes! He did.
I sat down in front of his desk.
ME: And you were going to pay him for the details?
RITCHIE: It's nothing personal, Billy. It's just that your character on CBQ is so pious and judgmental. Hearing about how you went straight only to carry on an affair with a convicted felon was just too good to pass up.
ME: We weren't actually having an affair.
RITCHIE: Then what was going on?
You're going to get me to Jeremy. Do you understand me, Billy?
ME: It's complicated.
RITCHIE: You say complicated and I hear 'ratings gold.'
ME: None of this is getting on the air or on the record.
RITCHIE: Then why are you here?
ME: I need to know what Bart told you.
RITCHIE: He didn't tell me anything. He didn't have a chance to. He decided to go crazy first.
ME: He was always crazy.
I got up to leave, and that's when Ritchie said--
RITCHIE: Is the kid yours?
Apparently Bart had done some talking after all.
RITCHIE: If you're here to kill me, I should let you know that I have a security guard waiting right outside the door.
ME: I gave him twenty bucks, and he said he'd be back in an hour.
RITCHIE: You know, it's getting harder and harder to find good help.
I shut the door to Ritchie's office.
ME: Did Bart tell you that he and I were having an affair?
RITCHIE: Not in so many words--
ME: RITCHIE!
RITCHIE: FINE! Yes! He did.
I sat down in front of his desk.
ME: And you were going to pay him for the details?
RITCHIE: It's nothing personal, Billy. It's just that your character on CBQ is so pious and judgmental. Hearing about how you went straight only to carry on an affair with a convicted felon was just too good to pass up.
ME: We weren't actually having an affair.
RITCHIE: Then what was going on?
You're going to get me to Jeremy. Do you understand me, Billy?
ME: It's complicated.
RITCHIE: You say complicated and I hear 'ratings gold.'
ME: None of this is getting on the air or on the record.
RITCHIE: Then why are you here?
ME: I need to know what Bart told you.
RITCHIE: He didn't tell me anything. He didn't have a chance to. He decided to go crazy first.
ME: He was always crazy.
I got up to leave, and that's when Ritchie said--
RITCHIE: Is the kid yours?
Apparently Bart had done some talking after all.
Hot Potato
Hi, my name is Nathan.
JEREMY: It's Billy.
Great. More news from the front.
Jeremy showed up at my house uninvited all atwitter because Joey got Billy riled up about his alleged affair with Bart.
Meanwhile, I had bigger issues on my hands.
ME: They let Ben out of jail.
JEREMY: What? That's great! When did this happen?
ME: Today. He cut a deal.
JEREMY: Is it because they heard about Billy and the check and Ritchie--
ME: It's because he sold me out.
JEREMY: He--wait, what?
I got the phone call letting me know that my husband was released but I was now under investigation. Apparently Ben knew something, and whatever he knew, he told to Paul, that miserable hostage negotiator-turned-investigator.
JEREMY: What could Ben have told Paul about you?
ME: I don't know! That I'm a bad cook?
JEREMY: Nathan, this is serious. You need to talk to Ben.
ME: I can't. He's disappeared.
JEREMY: Disappeared?
ME: Or they're hiding him from me.
JEREMY: This is getting really out of hand.
ME: Jeremy, somebody's already been jailed and now they're coming after me. I'd say this got out of hand a long time ago.
I sat down on my couch wondering whether or not I should just skip town.
Jeremy sat next to me and put his hand on my hand.
I forgot how comforting he can be when I don't have a husband that's in love with him.
JEREMY: It's going to be okay, Nathan.
My head was on his shoulder, and then my lips were up against his neck...
JEREMY: Nathan--
ME: Sshh...
We fell back down onto the couch, and before I knew it, I wasn't thinking about leaving.
The complete opposite of that, in fact.
JEREMY: It's Billy.
Great. More news from the front.
Jeremy showed up at my house uninvited all atwitter because Joey got Billy riled up about his alleged affair with Bart.
Meanwhile, I had bigger issues on my hands.
ME: They let Ben out of jail.
JEREMY: What? That's great! When did this happen?
ME: Today. He cut a deal.
JEREMY: Is it because they heard about Billy and the check and Ritchie--
ME: It's because he sold me out.
JEREMY: He--wait, what?
I got the phone call letting me know that my husband was released but I was now under investigation. Apparently Ben knew something, and whatever he knew, he told to Paul, that miserable hostage negotiator-turned-investigator.
JEREMY: What could Ben have told Paul about you?
ME: I don't know! That I'm a bad cook?
JEREMY: Nathan, this is serious. You need to talk to Ben.
ME: I can't. He's disappeared.
JEREMY: Disappeared?
ME: Or they're hiding him from me.
JEREMY: This is getting really out of hand.
ME: Jeremy, somebody's already been jailed and now they're coming after me. I'd say this got out of hand a long time ago.
I sat down on my couch wondering whether or not I should just skip town.
Jeremy sat next to me and put his hand on my hand.
I forgot how comforting he can be when I don't have a husband that's in love with him.
JEREMY: It's going to be okay, Nathan.
My head was on his shoulder, and then my lips were up against his neck...
JEREMY: Nathan--
ME: Sshh...
We fell back down onto the couch, and before I knew it, I wasn't thinking about leaving.
The complete opposite of that, in fact.
I Want to See the Light
Hi, my name is Joey.
ME: Can I be straight now?
Adam said I have to do this if I want to keep free-loading off him.
Those are his harsh words of hate, not mine.
BILLY: Joey, you want to be straight?
ME: Yeah, like you. Minus the left-at-the-altar thing though. And I'd like to keep my tan.
I had Billy meet me at a restaurant downtown. Jeremy and Adam told me I had to pump him for information. They wouldn't let me do it the fun way, so this was my Plan B.
BILLY: I'm really surprised by this.
ME: Why? I've dated girls before.
BILLY: When?
ME: Eighth grade. One even taught me how to trim my eyebrows.
BILLY: That's--okay, I don't know where to begin.
Time to pump.
ME: Did you ever sleep with any a guy again after you decided you were straight?
BILLY: That's a really personal question.
ME: So that's a 'Yes?'
BILLY: Joey--
ME: Just because I'm worried I might sleep with someone. Like, someone crazy. Like, someone who might end up going really nuts and doing something insane. And then maybe I'd feel bad about the fact that I did stuff with them and--
BILLY: Joey, are you trying to ask me something?
ME: Yes, uh, I mean--
Whenever I'm nervous, I usually take my pants off, but that didn't seem like it would work here so--
ME: Did you and Bart sleep together?
Billy's face got even whiter--I really should refer him to my tanning salon.
Then he grabbed my hand from across the table.
ME: Ow!
BILLY: Who told you that?
ME: Billy--
BILLY: What happened with me and Bart is nobody's business.
ME: It kinda is since he, like, tried to kill us and stuff.
BILLY: How did you--
ME: Bart told Ritchie and Ritchie was going to do a show about it.
BILLY: Are you kidding?
ME: I don't know which part of any of that is supposed to be funny.
Billy got up and started walking away.
ME: Where are you going?
He turned around, picked up a knife, and brought it up to my face.
BILLY: Do me a favor. Tell whichever bitch sent you here that I done talking to any of you for the rest of my life. Got it?
I nodded.
Billy dropped the knife and walked away.
I don't like to assume anything, but I think he may have something to hide.
ME: Can I be straight now?
Adam said I have to do this if I want to keep free-loading off him.
Those are his harsh words of hate, not mine.
BILLY: Joey, you want to be straight?
ME: Yeah, like you. Minus the left-at-the-altar thing though. And I'd like to keep my tan.
I had Billy meet me at a restaurant downtown. Jeremy and Adam told me I had to pump him for information. They wouldn't let me do it the fun way, so this was my Plan B.
BILLY: I'm really surprised by this.
ME: Why? I've dated girls before.
BILLY: When?
ME: Eighth grade. One even taught me how to trim my eyebrows.
BILLY: That's--okay, I don't know where to begin.
Time to pump.
ME: Did you ever sleep with any a guy again after you decided you were straight?
BILLY: That's a really personal question.
ME: So that's a 'Yes?'
BILLY: Joey--
ME: Just because I'm worried I might sleep with someone. Like, someone crazy. Like, someone who might end up going really nuts and doing something insane. And then maybe I'd feel bad about the fact that I did stuff with them and--
BILLY: Joey, are you trying to ask me something?
ME: Yes, uh, I mean--
Whenever I'm nervous, I usually take my pants off, but that didn't seem like it would work here so--
ME: Did you and Bart sleep together?
Billy's face got even whiter--I really should refer him to my tanning salon.
Then he grabbed my hand from across the table.
ME: Ow!
BILLY: Who told you that?
ME: Billy--
BILLY: What happened with me and Bart is nobody's business.
ME: It kinda is since he, like, tried to kill us and stuff.
BILLY: How did you--
ME: Bart told Ritchie and Ritchie was going to do a show about it.
BILLY: Are you kidding?
ME: I don't know which part of any of that is supposed to be funny.
Billy got up and started walking away.
ME: Where are you going?
He turned around, picked up a knife, and brought it up to my face.
BILLY: Do me a favor. Tell whichever bitch sent you here that I done talking to any of you for the rest of my life. Got it?
I nodded.
Billy dropped the knife and walked away.
I don't like to assume anything, but I think he may have something to hide.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
There's No Going Back
Hi, my name is Adam.
JOEY: What would you think about us getting married?
Haven't we been through this before?
ME: Joey, we're not even dating. You're just staying here until you can get your own place. This isn't even a permanent set-up for me. You think I plan on living at the Westin forever?
JOEY: Why not? The lobby's so nice.
ME: Because eventually I'm going back to New York.
JOEY: Now you sound like Jeremy.
ME: The difference is, I belong in New York. Jeremy belongs here among you domestics.
I knew rescuing Joey from his sister wife life was going to end up coming back to kick me in the--
JOEY: Can we at least have sex?
ME: Normally, I'd say 'Yes' but I find you have a strange hold on me when sex is involved.
JOEY: I know, that was kind of the point.
ME: Do you have any internal monologue at all?
JOEY: You mean like for auditions?
Knock, knock.
ME: Hold that thought--or don't.
Jeremy decided to pop in for a visit.
JEREMY: How are we going to find out whether Billy actually had an affair with Bart?
ME: Why do we care?
JOEY: I hope it wasn't while Bart and I were dating.
ME: We don't even know if it's true. And even if it is, let Nathan figure it out. It's his husband that's in jail.
JEREMY: What about the truth? What about the fact that Bart tried to kill all of us and Billy might have had something to do with that?
ME: You used to love Billy. Do you really think he's capable of that?
JEREMY: I don't know. I don't any of these people anymore!
He motioned to Joey.
JOEY: Trust me, I haven't changed.
ME: Trust me, he hasn't.
Jeremy sat down on the edge of the bed.
JEREMY: Even Ben is guilty or Billy is. Either way, someone I used to care a lot about has become a very bad person. I want to know which one it is.
JOEY: Why? Are you going to try to get back with one of them?
From the look on Jeremy's face, I already knew the answer.
And I knew which one he wanted back.
JOEY: What would you think about us getting married?
Haven't we been through this before?
ME: Joey, we're not even dating. You're just staying here until you can get your own place. This isn't even a permanent set-up for me. You think I plan on living at the Westin forever?
JOEY: Why not? The lobby's so nice.
ME: Because eventually I'm going back to New York.
JOEY: Now you sound like Jeremy.
ME: The difference is, I belong in New York. Jeremy belongs here among you domestics.
I knew rescuing Joey from his sister wife life was going to end up coming back to kick me in the--
JOEY: Can we at least have sex?
ME: Normally, I'd say 'Yes' but I find you have a strange hold on me when sex is involved.
JOEY: I know, that was kind of the point.
ME: Do you have any internal monologue at all?
JOEY: You mean like for auditions?
Knock, knock.
ME: Hold that thought--or don't.
Jeremy decided to pop in for a visit.
JEREMY: How are we going to find out whether Billy actually had an affair with Bart?
ME: Why do we care?
JOEY: I hope it wasn't while Bart and I were dating.
ME: We don't even know if it's true. And even if it is, let Nathan figure it out. It's his husband that's in jail.
JEREMY: What about the truth? What about the fact that Bart tried to kill all of us and Billy might have had something to do with that?
ME: You used to love Billy. Do you really think he's capable of that?
JEREMY: I don't know. I don't any of these people anymore!
He motioned to Joey.
JOEY: Trust me, I haven't changed.
ME: Trust me, he hasn't.
Jeremy sat down on the edge of the bed.
JEREMY: Even Ben is guilty or Billy is. Either way, someone I used to care a lot about has become a very bad person. I want to know which one it is.
JOEY: Why? Are you going to try to get back with one of them?
From the look on Jeremy's face, I already knew the answer.
And I knew which one he wanted back.
Let's Make a Deal
Hi, my name is Ben.
PAUL: Have a seat, Ben.
I'm not the biggest fan of Paul, but anything that gets me out of the cell is fine by me.
ME: Paul, please, you have to get me out of here.
PAUL: Well, that's what I'm here to talk to you about.
ME: You finally figured out that I didn't know anything about what Bart was going to do? Because Nathan actually just found out that Billy--
PAUL: Nathan is what I'm here to talk to you about.
Uh oh.
I've learned, over time, that whenever anybody wants to talk to me about my husband, it's not because they're his biggest fan.
ME: What about Nathan?
PAUL: We think he may have been involved with Bart.
ME: So first you think I'm involved with Bart and now Nathan--
PAUL: We don't necessarily believe you were involved with Bart.
ME: Then why am I here?
PAUL: We thought that initially, but we've since believed that you may have been framed.
ME: Framed by who?
Silence.
ME: Nathan?
Is he saying my husband framed me?
PAUL: I'm saying your husband framed you.
Is that even--
Oh what am I saying?
I'm married to Nathan.
ME: Why am I still here if you think I've been framed?
PAUL: Because we don't know that for sure. You'd have to help us prove it.
ME: And how would I do that?
PAUL: Well, there's really only one way.
And then the drop--
PAUL: We need you to help us get Nathan.
They want to swap me for my husband.
PAUL: Have a seat, Ben.
I'm not the biggest fan of Paul, but anything that gets me out of the cell is fine by me.
ME: Paul, please, you have to get me out of here.
PAUL: Well, that's what I'm here to talk to you about.
ME: You finally figured out that I didn't know anything about what Bart was going to do? Because Nathan actually just found out that Billy--
PAUL: Nathan is what I'm here to talk to you about.
Uh oh.
I've learned, over time, that whenever anybody wants to talk to me about my husband, it's not because they're his biggest fan.
ME: What about Nathan?
PAUL: We think he may have been involved with Bart.
ME: So first you think I'm involved with Bart and now Nathan--
PAUL: We don't necessarily believe you were involved with Bart.
ME: Then why am I here?
PAUL: We thought that initially, but we've since believed that you may have been framed.
ME: Framed by who?
Silence.
ME: Nathan?
Is he saying my husband framed me?
PAUL: I'm saying your husband framed you.
Is that even--
Oh what am I saying?
I'm married to Nathan.
ME: Why am I still here if you think I've been framed?
PAUL: Because we don't know that for sure. You'd have to help us prove it.
ME: And how would I do that?
PAUL: Well, there's really only one way.
And then the drop--
PAUL: We need you to help us get Nathan.
They want to swap me for my husband.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Gay-ttractive
Hi, my name is Davis.
ME: Gay-ttractive isn't a word.
This is what happens during my advisory meetings.
LIAM: It will be.
ME: It won't be.
LIAM: It will be.
ME: Jeremy?
JEREMY: Not a chance.
ME: And he's a writer.
Jeremy and I were summoned to Liam's office so he could talk about the new "We <3 Prov" campaign.
LIAM: Everyone loves the CBQ's.
ME: Except us. How ironic.
LIAM: I want to make the ten of you the new faces of 'We <3 Prov.'
JEREMY: No way.
ME: I don't even like Providence.
JEREMY: You're the Mayor!
ME: It beats being a citizen.
Liam unrolled a poster with all our faces on it.
ME: It would be more realistic if we were all choking each other.
LIAM: That's the second poster.
JEREMY: I don't see the point of this.
LIAM: Who wouldn't want to live in the city with the ten of you?
JEREMY: Me for one thing.
ME: Yeah. Why are you still here?
Jeremy looked taken aback by the question.
ME: Not that I'm not glad, but--
LIAM: People love celebrities. That's why everyone lives in New York, L.A.--
ME: Twin Peaks.
JEREMY: That's not an actual place.
LIAM: We can make Providence a hotspot. People will flock here.
JEREMY: People aren't going to move somewhere just because their favorite tv characters live there. It's not like they're guaranteed to run into us. I barely go out anymore.
ME: I only leave the house in a limo. I haven't seen the public in years.
JEREMY: Again--you're the Mayor.
ME: It's not that I don't appreciate their votes. I just don't want to interact with them.
Liam cleared his throat.
LIAM: We need to change the way people see this city. That means all of you need to make yourselves more...
JEREMY: Cheap?
ME: Not possible.
JEREMY: You want us to walk around signing autographs like this is Disney World and we're the talking mice?
LIAM: Exactly.
JEREMY: This may get Davis reelected, and it may make Providence more gay-ttractive--
ME: Still not a thing.
JEREMY: But what do the rest of us get out of it?
At this, Liam leaned across his desk and looked Jeremy right in the eye.
LIAM: You get to be a hometown hero, and if you tell me that doesn't appeal to you at all, then I'm going to tell you that you're full of shit. This place means something to you, Jeremy. Maybe that's not the case with everyone else, but it is with you. You love it here. That's why you keep getting pulled back to Providence even though you keep telling everybody you want to leave. You're here for a reason, and maybe you will move on eventually, but for now you're here. So as long as you're here, you may as well make yourself useful.
I looked at Jeremy. He looked at me. Then he looked at the poster.
JEREMY: I should be the one farthest to the left.
I have to remember to give Liam a raise.
ME: Gay-ttractive isn't a word.
This is what happens during my advisory meetings.
LIAM: It will be.
ME: It won't be.
LIAM: It will be.
ME: Jeremy?
JEREMY: Not a chance.
ME: And he's a writer.
Jeremy and I were summoned to Liam's office so he could talk about the new "We <3 Prov" campaign.
LIAM: Everyone loves the CBQ's.
ME: Except us. How ironic.
LIAM: I want to make the ten of you the new faces of 'We <3 Prov.'
JEREMY: No way.
ME: I don't even like Providence.
JEREMY: You're the Mayor!
ME: It beats being a citizen.
Liam unrolled a poster with all our faces on it.
ME: It would be more realistic if we were all choking each other.
LIAM: That's the second poster.
JEREMY: I don't see the point of this.
LIAM: Who wouldn't want to live in the city with the ten of you?
JEREMY: Me for one thing.
ME: Yeah. Why are you still here?
Jeremy looked taken aback by the question.
ME: Not that I'm not glad, but--
LIAM: People love celebrities. That's why everyone lives in New York, L.A.--
ME: Twin Peaks.
JEREMY: That's not an actual place.
LIAM: We can make Providence a hotspot. People will flock here.
JEREMY: People aren't going to move somewhere just because their favorite tv characters live there. It's not like they're guaranteed to run into us. I barely go out anymore.
ME: I only leave the house in a limo. I haven't seen the public in years.
JEREMY: Again--you're the Mayor.
ME: It's not that I don't appreciate their votes. I just don't want to interact with them.
Liam cleared his throat.
LIAM: We need to change the way people see this city. That means all of you need to make yourselves more...
JEREMY: Cheap?
ME: Not possible.
JEREMY: You want us to walk around signing autographs like this is Disney World and we're the talking mice?
LIAM: Exactly.
JEREMY: This may get Davis reelected, and it may make Providence more gay-ttractive--
ME: Still not a thing.
JEREMY: But what do the rest of us get out of it?
At this, Liam leaned across his desk and looked Jeremy right in the eye.
LIAM: You get to be a hometown hero, and if you tell me that doesn't appeal to you at all, then I'm going to tell you that you're full of shit. This place means something to you, Jeremy. Maybe that's not the case with everyone else, but it is with you. You love it here. That's why you keep getting pulled back to Providence even though you keep telling everybody you want to leave. You're here for a reason, and maybe you will move on eventually, but for now you're here. So as long as you're here, you may as well make yourself useful.
I looked at Jeremy. He looked at me. Then he looked at the poster.
JEREMY: I should be the one farthest to the left.
I have to remember to give Liam a raise.
Stay Right Where You Are
Hi, my name is Jeremy.
Vibrate, vibrate.
What? It's not like phones ring anymore.
I was just packing up my stuff for my trip back home to New York when my phone went off.
The caller id read "Edson."
ME: Hey there, mister. You calling to tell me all my plants are dead?
EDSON: He knows.
Instantly, my breath disappears. I'm mid-breath and then--
ME: What?
EDSON: Edward. He knows.
ME: About--?
EDOSN: Everything.
This is not what I wanted to be hearing with an open suitcase staring back at me.
ME: What should we do?
EDSON: We aren't going to do anything. I'm taking care of it.
ME: Ed--
EDSON: If you could just stay in Rhode Island for a little while longer, that would be great.
ME: But--
EDSON: Please, Jeremy, for me. I need to work this out and I can't do that with you here.
Jackson poked his head into the bedroom.
JACKSON: Get a move on. We have to be at the train station by five.
EDSON: Just stay there and I'll call you when it's okay to come back. If it's ever okay.
ME: If?
JACKSON: Jeremy what's wrong?
ME: I'll be out in a minute!
I shut the door.
ME: You can't tell me I have to say here!
EDSON: Do whatever you want. Just please don't come back here.
ME: Where else would I go?
EDSON: Jeremy, you lived in Rhode Island for over twenty years. Will it really kill you to stay there for a few extra days?
Then the line went dead.
Will it kill me?
Clearly, Edson doesn't know Providence that well.
Vibrate, vibrate.
What? It's not like phones ring anymore.
I was just packing up my stuff for my trip back home to New York when my phone went off.
The caller id read "Edson."
ME: Hey there, mister. You calling to tell me all my plants are dead?
EDSON: He knows.
Instantly, my breath disappears. I'm mid-breath and then--
ME: What?
EDSON: Edward. He knows.
ME: About--?
EDOSN: Everything.
This is not what I wanted to be hearing with an open suitcase staring back at me.
ME: What should we do?
EDSON: We aren't going to do anything. I'm taking care of it.
ME: Ed--
EDSON: If you could just stay in Rhode Island for a little while longer, that would be great.
ME: But--
EDSON: Please, Jeremy, for me. I need to work this out and I can't do that with you here.
Jackson poked his head into the bedroom.
JACKSON: Get a move on. We have to be at the train station by five.
EDSON: Just stay there and I'll call you when it's okay to come back. If it's ever okay.
ME: If?
JACKSON: Jeremy what's wrong?
ME: I'll be out in a minute!
I shut the door.
ME: You can't tell me I have to say here!
EDSON: Do whatever you want. Just please don't come back here.
ME: Where else would I go?
EDSON: Jeremy, you lived in Rhode Island for over twenty years. Will it really kill you to stay there for a few extra days?
Then the line went dead.
Will it kill me?
Clearly, Edson doesn't know Providence that well.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Lunch with Mom
Hi, my name is Jackson.
JOAN: I'm so happy we could spend some quality time together.
ME: Are you still having trouble telling Jeremy and me apart after twenty-seven years?
JOAN: Hahaha why do you always insist that I like your brother more than I like you?
ME: Because when we were born you took him home and left me at the hospital with a note that said 'Careful with This One.'
JOAN: You never could let go of the past.
ME: What is it you want, Mom?
She leaned over her two pieces of lettuce and whispered to me.
JOAN: I want to find a way to keep your brother here.
ME: That's it?
JOAN: He keeps talking about leaving.
ME: That's what he says, but trust me, Mom, he's not going anywhere.
JOAN: Are you sure?
ME: Wouldn't he have left already?
VOICE: Well hello!
We both turned to see Jeremy walking into the restaurant.
He sat down next to us. I wondered if this was part of Mom's plan.
JOAN: Sweetheart, we were just talking about you and your...plans.
JEREMY: My plans?
JOAN: Yes, as in, what are they?
ME: Mom--
JEREMY: Well, I'm leaving for New York tomorrow.
ME/MOM: What?!
JEREMY: I need to go back for at least a few weeks.
ME: What about everything that's happening with Ben? And now Billy?
JEREMY: I can't get involved with anything that has to do with Billy. I'm sure Nathan can handle this on his own.
MOM: But what about me? The Mother/Son Picnic for the East Siders Club is next weekend!
JEREMY: Mom, you're making that up.
ME: At least, we hope you are.
Joan was already tearing up.
JOAN: This is all about your father, isn't it?
JEREMY: Mom, that's--
JOAN: That's why you moved in the first place. Because of his disappearance.
ME: You mean murder.
JOAN: Jackson!
ME: Nobody just disappears. Haven't we learned that by now?
JOAN: Jeremy, darling, it was years ago. It's time to move on with your life.
JEREMY: That's what I'm doing, Mom. I just don't want to do that here. I can't. I'm sorry.
And he got up, and left.
ME: So Mom, what else do you want to talk about?
JOAN: Oh go to hell, Jackson.
Now there's the mother I know and love.
JOAN: I'm so happy we could spend some quality time together.
ME: Are you still having trouble telling Jeremy and me apart after twenty-seven years?
JOAN: Hahaha why do you always insist that I like your brother more than I like you?
ME: Because when we were born you took him home and left me at the hospital with a note that said 'Careful with This One.'
JOAN: You never could let go of the past.
ME: What is it you want, Mom?
She leaned over her two pieces of lettuce and whispered to me.
JOAN: I want to find a way to keep your brother here.
ME: That's it?
JOAN: He keeps talking about leaving.
ME: That's what he says, but trust me, Mom, he's not going anywhere.
JOAN: Are you sure?
ME: Wouldn't he have left already?
VOICE: Well hello!
We both turned to see Jeremy walking into the restaurant.
He sat down next to us. I wondered if this was part of Mom's plan.
JOAN: Sweetheart, we were just talking about you and your...plans.
JEREMY: My plans?
JOAN: Yes, as in, what are they?
ME: Mom--
JEREMY: Well, I'm leaving for New York tomorrow.
ME/MOM: What?!
JEREMY: I need to go back for at least a few weeks.
ME: What about everything that's happening with Ben? And now Billy?
JEREMY: I can't get involved with anything that has to do with Billy. I'm sure Nathan can handle this on his own.
MOM: But what about me? The Mother/Son Picnic for the East Siders Club is next weekend!
JEREMY: Mom, you're making that up.
ME: At least, we hope you are.
Joan was already tearing up.
JOAN: This is all about your father, isn't it?
JEREMY: Mom, that's--
JOAN: That's why you moved in the first place. Because of his disappearance.
ME: You mean murder.
JOAN: Jackson!
ME: Nobody just disappears. Haven't we learned that by now?
JOAN: Jeremy, darling, it was years ago. It's time to move on with your life.
JEREMY: That's what I'm doing, Mom. I just don't want to do that here. I can't. I'm sorry.
And he got up, and left.
ME: So Mom, what else do you want to talk about?
JOAN: Oh go to hell, Jackson.
Now there's the mother I know and love.
A Relationship Built on Trust
Hi, my name is Hank.
ME: Why did I agree to do this?
JEREMY: Because Ritchie is sneaky, so we need to be sneaky right back. We need to counter-sneak him. It's the right thing to do.
I've never had someone tell me I was doing the right thing while they strapped a wire to my back.
Davis set this whole thing up when Nathan told everyone that he thought Ritchie had something to do with Bart going over the deep end and Ben getting framed for involvement in the whole mess.
Did you get all that?
JACKSON: We're going to nail his ass.
JEREMY: Jackson, there's nothing to nail.
ADAM: I wouldn't say that.
JEREMY: We just want to find out why Bart was going on his show.
NATHAN: Nobody ponies up that much money for thoughts on jail.
DAVIS: Just get him to talk as quick as you can.
ME: Why? Do we only have a limited amount of recording time?
DAVIS: No, I just want to make sure we get what we need before you two start humping.
JOEY: Is all of this legal?
NATHAN: We'll worry about that later.
I'm sure that won't come back to bite us in the--
NATHAN: Do not screw this up.
ME: What am I getting out of this?
JEREMY: Our undying respect.
NATHAN: And a thousand bucks.
I didn't even hear the first part.
Ritchie was waiting for me in his office after lunch.
Unfortunately for me, he wasn't in a talking mood.
RITCHIE: Take off your pants.
ME: I was hoping we could...say things first.
Somewhere I could hear the queens groaning.
RITCHIE: Oh God.
ME: What?
RITCHIE: Is this when you lay the 'L' word on me?
M: Lesbians?
RITCHIE: Love.
ME: Love?!? No! Nooo. No no no.
RITCHIE: Great. Because that's the last thing I need. Right now I just want you, on my desk, doing awful things to me. Just avoid knocking over my Rhode Island Monthly Award.
I decided I had to take matters into my own hands.
ME: Unzip.
Literally.
RITCHIE: Ohhh Hank...
Here comes the squeeze.
RITCHIE: ...ooohhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!
I'd look away if I were you.
ME: Why were you having Bart on the show?
RITCHIE: WHAT?
ME: Why was Bart coming on the show?
RITCHIE: You set me up? I'll kill youuuaahhhh!
ME: Why was Bart coming on the show, Ritchie?
RITCHIE: He...he...
ME: Spit it out or I start to pull!
RITCHIE: HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH BILLY!
I dropped...well...it.
Billy?
RITCHIE: Bet you weren't expecting that.
The question is--was anybody else?
ME: Why did I agree to do this?
JEREMY: Because Ritchie is sneaky, so we need to be sneaky right back. We need to counter-sneak him. It's the right thing to do.
I've never had someone tell me I was doing the right thing while they strapped a wire to my back.
Davis set this whole thing up when Nathan told everyone that he thought Ritchie had something to do with Bart going over the deep end and Ben getting framed for involvement in the whole mess.
Did you get all that?
JACKSON: We're going to nail his ass.
JEREMY: Jackson, there's nothing to nail.
ADAM: I wouldn't say that.
JEREMY: We just want to find out why Bart was going on his show.
NATHAN: Nobody ponies up that much money for thoughts on jail.
DAVIS: Just get him to talk as quick as you can.
ME: Why? Do we only have a limited amount of recording time?
DAVIS: No, I just want to make sure we get what we need before you two start humping.
JOEY: Is all of this legal?
NATHAN: We'll worry about that later.
I'm sure that won't come back to bite us in the--
NATHAN: Do not screw this up.
ME: What am I getting out of this?
JEREMY: Our undying respect.
NATHAN: And a thousand bucks.
I didn't even hear the first part.
Ritchie was waiting for me in his office after lunch.
Unfortunately for me, he wasn't in a talking mood.
RITCHIE: Take off your pants.
ME: I was hoping we could...say things first.
Somewhere I could hear the queens groaning.
RITCHIE: Oh God.
ME: What?
RITCHIE: Is this when you lay the 'L' word on me?
M: Lesbians?
RITCHIE: Love.
ME: Love?!? No! Nooo. No no no.
RITCHIE: Great. Because that's the last thing I need. Right now I just want you, on my desk, doing awful things to me. Just avoid knocking over my Rhode Island Monthly Award.
I decided I had to take matters into my own hands.
ME: Unzip.
Literally.
RITCHIE: Ohhh Hank...
Here comes the squeeze.
RITCHIE: ...ooohhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!
I'd look away if I were you.
ME: Why were you having Bart on the show?
RITCHIE: WHAT?
ME: Why was Bart coming on the show?
RITCHIE: You set me up? I'll kill youuuaahhhh!
ME: Why was Bart coming on the show, Ritchie?
RITCHIE: He...he...
ME: Spit it out or I start to pull!
RITCHIE: HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH BILLY!
I dropped...well...it.
Billy?
RITCHIE: Bet you weren't expecting that.
The question is--was anybody else?
A Check You Can Cash
Hi, my name is Ritchie.
KATE: There's someone here to see you.
ME: Is it about the show we did on dalmatians? Because I specifically said we couldn't prove that they give you cancer.
KATE: It's your friend Nathan.
"Friend" is a strong word.
Nathan looked a little beat up.
ME: I thought Ben was the convict.
NATHAN: He hasn't been convicted of anything.
ME: But it doesn't look good. I'm doing a show with his lawyer on Friday.
NATHAN: In other news, he'll be getting a new lawyer.
ME: It's a media circus, Nathan. Don't fight it.
NATHAN: And just when will you be doing a show on the check you made out to Bart?
I knew he wasn't going to let this go.
ME: Nathan, there wasn't anything behind that.
NATHAN: So you always write checks to people you haven't seen over five years?
ME: Bart was going to come on my show. The check was an advance on an appearance fee.
NATHAN: Why was he coming on the show?
ME: That's confidential.
NATHAN: Why? Are you planning to dig him up for sweeps week?
If only I could...
ME: He was going to talk about life in prison. His sordid past. He was even going to comment on Jeremy's book.
NATHAN: That's it? No big reveal? No twist.
ME: If I told you about it, it wouldn't be a twist now, would it?
NATHAN: What are you saying?
ME: I'm saying I may go public with what Bart was going to announce on the show.
NATHAN: And does that have anything to do with Ben?
ME: I guess you'll have to watch and find out.
Nathan closed the door to my office.
NATHAN: Or you could show a little kindness.
ME: Kindness begins under my desk, Nathan.
NATHAN: You're disgusting.
ME: What's the matter? Afraid I might not be able to afford you?
I saw his face go pale.
ME: Did I mention I don't have anyone for Monday's show yet?
Something tells me Nathan's price was going to be a lot lower than Bart's.
KATE: There's someone here to see you.
ME: Is it about the show we did on dalmatians? Because I specifically said we couldn't prove that they give you cancer.
KATE: It's your friend Nathan.
"Friend" is a strong word.
Nathan looked a little beat up.
ME: I thought Ben was the convict.
NATHAN: He hasn't been convicted of anything.
ME: But it doesn't look good. I'm doing a show with his lawyer on Friday.
NATHAN: In other news, he'll be getting a new lawyer.
ME: It's a media circus, Nathan. Don't fight it.
NATHAN: And just when will you be doing a show on the check you made out to Bart?
I knew he wasn't going to let this go.
ME: Nathan, there wasn't anything behind that.
NATHAN: So you always write checks to people you haven't seen over five years?
ME: Bart was going to come on my show. The check was an advance on an appearance fee.
NATHAN: Why was he coming on the show?
ME: That's confidential.
NATHAN: Why? Are you planning to dig him up for sweeps week?
If only I could...
ME: He was going to talk about life in prison. His sordid past. He was even going to comment on Jeremy's book.
NATHAN: That's it? No big reveal? No twist.
ME: If I told you about it, it wouldn't be a twist now, would it?
NATHAN: What are you saying?
ME: I'm saying I may go public with what Bart was going to announce on the show.
NATHAN: And does that have anything to do with Ben?
ME: I guess you'll have to watch and find out.
Nathan closed the door to my office.
NATHAN: Or you could show a little kindness.
ME: Kindness begins under my desk, Nathan.
NATHAN: You're disgusting.
ME: What's the matter? Afraid I might not be able to afford you?
I saw his face go pale.
ME: Did I mention I don't have anyone for Monday's show yet?
Something tells me Nathan's price was going to be a lot lower than Bart's.
Friday, March 16, 2012
To the Left, To the Left
Hi, my name is Billy.
TOM: I'm here to grab Emma's stuff.
ME: Whatever I didn't burn is in a box marked 'Satan's Whore.'
TOM: Good to see you're not bitter.
I'm going to miss Tom. He would have been a cool brother-in-law had my fiance not left me for one of my converts.
Now I just feel so alone.
My gay friends want nothing to do with me. My straight friends all pity me. And I can't go out in public without getting requests for my autograph.
Ever since that disastrous reunion on Ritchie's talk show, I decided that staying in and watching endless episodes of "Cupcake Wars" was my best option.
When Tom was done, I offered him a drink. We sat down in the living room and had a talk.
TOM: Personally, I think my sister's crazy.
ME: Thanks Tom.
TOM: Not because she left you.
ME: Thanks again.
TOM: No, I mean, you're a great guy, but you're gay.
ME: Tom--
TOM: And she left you for another gay guy.
ME: Tom, I'm not gay. I've embraced a deeper truth.
TOM: So you feel nothing at all for guys?
ME: Not a thing.
That was when he leaned over and kissed me.
I pushed him away, but...
TOM: You felt something, didn't you?
Before I could answer, he was on top of me.
And then I couldn't deny it.
I definitely felt something.
TOM: I'm here to grab Emma's stuff.
ME: Whatever I didn't burn is in a box marked 'Satan's Whore.'
TOM: Good to see you're not bitter.
I'm going to miss Tom. He would have been a cool brother-in-law had my fiance not left me for one of my converts.
Now I just feel so alone.
My gay friends want nothing to do with me. My straight friends all pity me. And I can't go out in public without getting requests for my autograph.
Ever since that disastrous reunion on Ritchie's talk show, I decided that staying in and watching endless episodes of "Cupcake Wars" was my best option.
When Tom was done, I offered him a drink. We sat down in the living room and had a talk.
TOM: Personally, I think my sister's crazy.
ME: Thanks Tom.
TOM: Not because she left you.
ME: Thanks again.
TOM: No, I mean, you're a great guy, but you're gay.
ME: Tom--
TOM: And she left you for another gay guy.
ME: Tom, I'm not gay. I've embraced a deeper truth.
TOM: So you feel nothing at all for guys?
ME: Not a thing.
That was when he leaned over and kissed me.
I pushed him away, but...
TOM: You felt something, didn't you?
Before I could answer, he was on top of me.
And then I couldn't deny it.
I definitely felt something.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Stand By Your Man
Hi, my name is Nathan.
ME: Are they feeding you?
BEN: It's prison, Nathan. Not a Romanian dungeon.
It was my first time visiting Ben in prison.
Despite my resources, he wasn't getting out anytime soon.
Bart's letter was pretty incriminating, even though it had set-up written all over it.
I hadn't had a chance to confront Ritchie again about the check he wrote Bart, but that was only because I had to read lightly.
If, at any point, it came out that Bart was working for me before he terrorized the entire city, I'd be behind bars in a cell next to Ben--probably one with a three-hundred pound guy named Mr. Bob in it.
BEN: This whole thing is crazy. I never talked to Bart about any of the stuff he was planning.
ME: I don't know who's crazier--Bart or that stupid hostage negotiator.
BEN: Can't Davis do anything to help?
ME: Liam says the political climate right now is touchy.
BEN: What does that mean?
ME: It means everyone loves a scapegoat.
I'm not being...entirely...honest here.
I don't want Ben in prison, but more than that, I don't want a trial.
But until there's a trial, having someone to...keep the focus on, isn't exactly bad for me.
So, yes, I'm keeping my husband in prison until I can figure out my next move.
Right now, that next move is Ritchie.
BEN: Nathan, I love you.
It's been so long since he's said that.
BEN: Just tell me you have a plan to get me out of here.
NATHAN: Of course I do.
But if the plan fails, and it's me or Ben...
NATHAN: Trust me.
...I always opt for self-preservation.
ME: Are they feeding you?
BEN: It's prison, Nathan. Not a Romanian dungeon.
It was my first time visiting Ben in prison.
Despite my resources, he wasn't getting out anytime soon.
Bart's letter was pretty incriminating, even though it had set-up written all over it.
I hadn't had a chance to confront Ritchie again about the check he wrote Bart, but that was only because I had to read lightly.
If, at any point, it came out that Bart was working for me before he terrorized the entire city, I'd be behind bars in a cell next to Ben--probably one with a three-hundred pound guy named Mr. Bob in it.
BEN: This whole thing is crazy. I never talked to Bart about any of the stuff he was planning.
ME: I don't know who's crazier--Bart or that stupid hostage negotiator.
BEN: Can't Davis do anything to help?
ME: Liam says the political climate right now is touchy.
BEN: What does that mean?
ME: It means everyone loves a scapegoat.
I'm not being...entirely...honest here.
I don't want Ben in prison, but more than that, I don't want a trial.
But until there's a trial, having someone to...keep the focus on, isn't exactly bad for me.
So, yes, I'm keeping my husband in prison until I can figure out my next move.
Right now, that next move is Ritchie.
BEN: Nathan, I love you.
It's been so long since he's said that.
BEN: Just tell me you have a plan to get me out of here.
NATHAN: Of course I do.
But if the plan fails, and it's me or Ben...
NATHAN: Trust me.
...I always opt for self-preservation.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Team of Rivals
Hi, my name is Joey.
ME: So Ben and Bart were--
NATHAN: No! Ben and Bart were nothing. This is all a set-up.
We were all at Nathan's house on the East Side trying to come up with a plan to help Ben now that he'd been arrested.
JEREMY: They're just looking for a scapegoat since they can't try Bart--
DAVIS: Well, I had nothing to do with this. This is federal. This is serious.
ME: This is like Law & Order--the one without the sex.
RITCHIE: I could do a show on it. Wrongly accused people score big ratings.
JEREMY: Is it all about tv with you now?
RITCHIE: It always has been. It's just that now I actually have a show.
JACKSON: What did the letter Bart sent say?
NATHAN: Nobody knows.
HANK: They'll probably tell everybody at the trial.
NATHAN: THERE CAN'T BE A TRIAL!
We all got quiet.
NATHAN: I'm sorry, but things come out at trials. Things that...should not...come out.
ADAM: When did you become the Mayor of Vague City?
NATHAN: We need a plan.
JEREMY: We need a lawyer.
DAVIS: We need to go get a drink.
HANK: I second that.
I stood up.
ME: Guys, this is serious! If Ben gets convicted for this, he's going to jail for a really long time. We have to prove that this is crazy. I mean, if Ben helped Bart it basically means he wanted all of us dead. And that's just not true, right?
We all looked around the room at each other.
ADAM: Maybe not all of us.
That's when I realized maybe it wasn't such a crazy idea after all.
ME: So Ben and Bart were--
NATHAN: No! Ben and Bart were nothing. This is all a set-up.
We were all at Nathan's house on the East Side trying to come up with a plan to help Ben now that he'd been arrested.
JEREMY: They're just looking for a scapegoat since they can't try Bart--
DAVIS: Well, I had nothing to do with this. This is federal. This is serious.
ME: This is like Law & Order--the one without the sex.
RITCHIE: I could do a show on it. Wrongly accused people score big ratings.
JEREMY: Is it all about tv with you now?
RITCHIE: It always has been. It's just that now I actually have a show.
JACKSON: What did the letter Bart sent say?
NATHAN: Nobody knows.
HANK: They'll probably tell everybody at the trial.
NATHAN: THERE CAN'T BE A TRIAL!
We all got quiet.
NATHAN: I'm sorry, but things come out at trials. Things that...should not...come out.
ADAM: When did you become the Mayor of Vague City?
NATHAN: We need a plan.
JEREMY: We need a lawyer.
DAVIS: We need to go get a drink.
HANK: I second that.
I stood up.
ME: Guys, this is serious! If Ben gets convicted for this, he's going to jail for a really long time. We have to prove that this is crazy. I mean, if Ben helped Bart it basically means he wanted all of us dead. And that's just not true, right?
We all looked around the room at each other.
ADAM: Maybe not all of us.
That's when I realized maybe it wasn't such a crazy idea after all.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Stars Aren't Easy
Hi, my name is Adam.
JOEY: How much longer do I have to stay here?
ME: Until we can find a women's shelter that accepts gay men.
I was having Joey hang out in my dressing room at Ben's theater until we could sort out his thr-ouple situation.
JOEY: Why can't I just stay at your place?
ME: Because then we'll sleep together.
JOEY: No, we won't. I've changed.
ME: Joey, your hand is on my crotch.
JOEY: Oh...sorry.
Knock, knock.
Joey jumped behind the cardboard cut-out of me.
It was my assistant, Tony.
TONY: Ben says they can't get you the frozen glacier water.
This is what happens whenever I start rehearsals for a show.
Somebody tries tackling the dragon.
And then the dragon eats them--and whatever children they may have.
TONY: Do you want me to get your scary red cape?
ME: Not necessary...yet.
I went straight to Ben's office.
ME: If you're not prepared to meet my demands--
BEN: A British butler couldn't meet your demands.
ME: You're the one who wanted to me to act here.
BEN: I didn't realize I was hiring Veruca Salt.
ME: I hope you're talking about the band and not the bratty little girl because if it's the latter--
Knock, knock.
We both turned to see Paul standing in the doorway--
PAUL: Hi boys.
--with two cops.
ME: If this is about those taxes, half the write-offs were totally legitimate.
PAUL: We're actually here to see Ben.
Ben stood up.
BEN: What's this about?
PAUL: The department was given a tip that you were working with Bart right up until the hostage situation.
BEN: Working with him? Working on what?
PAUL: The whole thing. To get your theater attention.
BEN: That's ridiculous!
ME: Who gave you this tip?
Paul held up a letter.
PAUL: Bart.
That's when the cops arrest Ben.
And I decided it might be a good idea to find another hiding place for Joey.
JOEY: How much longer do I have to stay here?
ME: Until we can find a women's shelter that accepts gay men.
I was having Joey hang out in my dressing room at Ben's theater until we could sort out his thr-ouple situation.
JOEY: Why can't I just stay at your place?
ME: Because then we'll sleep together.
JOEY: No, we won't. I've changed.
ME: Joey, your hand is on my crotch.
JOEY: Oh...sorry.
Knock, knock.
Joey jumped behind the cardboard cut-out of me.
It was my assistant, Tony.
TONY: Ben says they can't get you the frozen glacier water.
This is what happens whenever I start rehearsals for a show.
Somebody tries tackling the dragon.
And then the dragon eats them--and whatever children they may have.
TONY: Do you want me to get your scary red cape?
ME: Not necessary...yet.
I went straight to Ben's office.
ME: If you're not prepared to meet my demands--
BEN: A British butler couldn't meet your demands.
ME: You're the one who wanted to me to act here.
BEN: I didn't realize I was hiring Veruca Salt.
ME: I hope you're talking about the band and not the bratty little girl because if it's the latter--
Knock, knock.
We both turned to see Paul standing in the doorway--
PAUL: Hi boys.
--with two cops.
ME: If this is about those taxes, half the write-offs were totally legitimate.
PAUL: We're actually here to see Ben.
Ben stood up.
BEN: What's this about?
PAUL: The department was given a tip that you were working with Bart right up until the hostage situation.
BEN: Working with him? Working on what?
PAUL: The whole thing. To get your theater attention.
BEN: That's ridiculous!
ME: Who gave you this tip?
Paul held up a letter.
PAUL: Bart.
That's when the cops arrest Ben.
And I decided it might be a good idea to find another hiding place for Joey.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
A Tune-Up
Hi, my name is Ben.
NATHAN: Make sure we tell him how you're still not over Jeremy.
ME: Nathan, I told you, I'm--
NATHAN: What's the point of seeing a marriage counselor if we're not honest?
Nathan and I have been seeing a marriage counselor for the past year.
It's helped...
NATHAN: And tell him you refused me sex again this week.
...In that we haven't stabbed each other in awhile.
VOICE: Well, look who's here!
Davis entered the waiting room. Of course.
DAVIS: Need a little help with blissful eternity, boys?
NATHAN: Our marriage, like any other, has ups and downs. Apparently yours does too or you wouldn't--
DAVIS: I'm screwing the therapist.
ME: You're having sex with our therapist?
NATHAN: You're cheating on your husband with a marriage counselor?
DAVIS: I know. There's irony in there somewhere. I just came for a little quickie before his three o'clock.
ME: We're his three o'clock.
DAVIS: Well then I'll try to be extra...quick.
Davis went into the office.
ME: We need a new therapist.
Nathan started to cry.
He'd grown attached.
NATHAN: Make sure we tell him how you're still not over Jeremy.
ME: Nathan, I told you, I'm--
NATHAN: What's the point of seeing a marriage counselor if we're not honest?
Nathan and I have been seeing a marriage counselor for the past year.
It's helped...
NATHAN: And tell him you refused me sex again this week.
...In that we haven't stabbed each other in awhile.
VOICE: Well, look who's here!
Davis entered the waiting room. Of course.
DAVIS: Need a little help with blissful eternity, boys?
NATHAN: Our marriage, like any other, has ups and downs. Apparently yours does too or you wouldn't--
DAVIS: I'm screwing the therapist.
ME: You're having sex with our therapist?
NATHAN: You're cheating on your husband with a marriage counselor?
DAVIS: I know. There's irony in there somewhere. I just came for a little quickie before his three o'clock.
ME: We're his three o'clock.
DAVIS: Well then I'll try to be extra...quick.
Davis went into the office.
ME: We need a new therapist.
Nathan started to cry.
He'd grown attached.
A Political Arrangement
Hi, my name is Davis.
JEREMY: You know, even when your book hits number one on the bestseller lists, they still don't send a limo to pick you up with a half-naked boy in it.
ME: I figured I might as well send him home in style.
I'd invited Jeremy to City Hall to discuss my reelection.
Liam joined us a few minutes later.
As for the half-naked boy, he was just a lunchtime fling. I'm half-sure that Liam knows I dabble every now and again, but I try not to rub his claws in it.
LIAM: We have to chat with you about helping Davis get a second term as Mayor.
JEREMY: Isn't it a little early to be discussing reelection?
ME: Are you kidding? We start discussing it the day after we win.
LIAM: We're only going to do one more term and then we're going to discuss possible Senate option.
JEREMY: Davis in the Senate? I should look into renewing my passport.
ME: Show him the t-shirt, Liam.
Liam held up a Team Tanner t-shirt.
JEREMY: That's what the fans of Tanner and Jason wear.
LIAM: There are a lot of them.
JEREMY: Well, there are actually more Brewster and Jason fans.
LIAM: And some Bobby and Jason--
JEREMY: I'm sorry, but why are we talking about fictional people?
ME: Because they're not really fictional. Tanner and Jason are me and you.
JEREMY: They're based on me and you, but--
LIAM: We think if you and Davis were to start dating and eventually get married--
JEREMY: WHAT?
LIAM: It could help his reelection chances.
JEREMY: Is this a joke?
ME: Even gay politicians need spouses nowadays. It's really sad.
JEREMY: But you're already married to Liam.
LIAM: We could quietly divorce.
This may sound shocking to you, but then again you never heard some of Liam's other proposals.
At one point, he wanted me to go sky-diving over the city with an "I Am Providence" parachute.
When I asked him where I would land, he looked at me as if there were a minor quibble.
JEREMY: You would divorce your husband just to win an election?
LIAM: We'd still be together. This is all just game-playing.
JEREMY: Well, I'm not into game-playing, and I have absolutely no urge to be a politician's wife--husband--whatever.
ME: C'mon, Jeremy. We always have a good time.
JEREMY: As friends, Davis. Not as a fraudulent married couple!
ME: You never see the bigger picture.
Jeremy stood up.
JEREMY: Davis, I am currently dealing with the return of Hydra--
ME: Your mother's back in town?
JEREMY: Along with editing a play so I can hand it over to Ben and then--hopefully--head back to New York so I can at least tie up some loose ends then. So I'm going to be a little too busy to be scamming the public with you. Sorry.
He took off without even a hug good-bye.
LIAM: Well, I guess that's out of the question. Maybe we could have you marry Jackson. Most people wouldn't know the difference.
ME: No, we'll stick with Jeremy. I'll just have to convince him the old-fashioned way.
LIAM: What do you mean?
I made him fall in love with me once.
I can do it again.
JEREMY: You know, even when your book hits number one on the bestseller lists, they still don't send a limo to pick you up with a half-naked boy in it.
ME: I figured I might as well send him home in style.
I'd invited Jeremy to City Hall to discuss my reelection.
Liam joined us a few minutes later.
As for the half-naked boy, he was just a lunchtime fling. I'm half-sure that Liam knows I dabble every now and again, but I try not to rub his claws in it.
LIAM: We have to chat with you about helping Davis get a second term as Mayor.
JEREMY: Isn't it a little early to be discussing reelection?
ME: Are you kidding? We start discussing it the day after we win.
LIAM: We're only going to do one more term and then we're going to discuss possible Senate option.
JEREMY: Davis in the Senate? I should look into renewing my passport.
ME: Show him the t-shirt, Liam.
Liam held up a Team Tanner t-shirt.
JEREMY: That's what the fans of Tanner and Jason wear.
LIAM: There are a lot of them.
JEREMY: Well, there are actually more Brewster and Jason fans.
LIAM: And some Bobby and Jason--
JEREMY: I'm sorry, but why are we talking about fictional people?
ME: Because they're not really fictional. Tanner and Jason are me and you.
JEREMY: They're based on me and you, but--
LIAM: We think if you and Davis were to start dating and eventually get married--
JEREMY: WHAT?
LIAM: It could help his reelection chances.
JEREMY: Is this a joke?
ME: Even gay politicians need spouses nowadays. It's really sad.
JEREMY: But you're already married to Liam.
LIAM: We could quietly divorce.
This may sound shocking to you, but then again you never heard some of Liam's other proposals.
At one point, he wanted me to go sky-diving over the city with an "I Am Providence" parachute.
When I asked him where I would land, he looked at me as if there were a minor quibble.
JEREMY: You would divorce your husband just to win an election?
LIAM: We'd still be together. This is all just game-playing.
JEREMY: Well, I'm not into game-playing, and I have absolutely no urge to be a politician's wife--husband--whatever.
ME: C'mon, Jeremy. We always have a good time.
JEREMY: As friends, Davis. Not as a fraudulent married couple!
ME: You never see the bigger picture.
Jeremy stood up.
JEREMY: Davis, I am currently dealing with the return of Hydra--
ME: Your mother's back in town?
JEREMY: Along with editing a play so I can hand it over to Ben and then--hopefully--head back to New York so I can at least tie up some loose ends then. So I'm going to be a little too busy to be scamming the public with you. Sorry.
He took off without even a hug good-bye.
LIAM: Well, I guess that's out of the question. Maybe we could have you marry Jackson. Most people wouldn't know the difference.
ME: No, we'll stick with Jeremy. I'll just have to convince him the old-fashioned way.
LIAM: What do you mean?
I made him fall in love with me once.
I can do it again.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
She's Baaack
Hi, my name is Jeremy.
ME: I could have told you a reunion with all of us was going to end in the emergency room.
PAIGE: On the plus side, I met a doctor AND everybody in the studio audience got a free toaster oven!
JEREMY: To think there was a point where we believed she was biologically related to us.
We were all back at the apartment, recuperating after Ritchie's debacle.
RITCHIE: The ratings are going to go through the roof!
Oh yeah, and Ritchie invited himself over.
RITCHIE: I don't know how we're going to follow this up.
ME: We're not.
RITCHIE: But I didn't even get to interview you guys! By the time the blood was cleaned up--
PAIGE: I'll do the show!
ALL: No!
JACKSON: Ritchie, when did you become a glutton for punishment?
ME: Jackson's right. Today was embarrassing. The Mayor Providence, a noted writer, an Artistic Director, a college professor, and a bunch of bitches--
JACKSON: Hey!
ME: --getting into a catfight? We were no better than the A-List.
PAIGE: What an odd sentence.
I pulled my suitcase from underneath the couch.
JACKSON: I was wondering when you were going to bust that out.
ME: I think today was a sign.
PAIGE: That you should always bring mace to a catfight?
ME: Nooo. That it's time for me to leave. Ben's not producing my script until later this spring. I should go back to New York--
PAIGE: But--
ME: JUST for a little while. To get things sorted out. Then, maybe, I'll come back. But honestly, it doesn't seem like it's a good idea for me to be here.
PAIGE: Maybe you just need another sign!
Knock, knock.
We all looked at the door.
RITCHIE: Is this when one of us gets killed?
PAIGE: Or wins a giant check!
JACKSON: I hope she's the one who gets killed.
PAIGE: Hey!
I went to the door an opened it.
It was worse than death.
JOAN: There's my baby!
It was my mother.
ME: I could have told you a reunion with all of us was going to end in the emergency room.
PAIGE: On the plus side, I met a doctor AND everybody in the studio audience got a free toaster oven!
JEREMY: To think there was a point where we believed she was biologically related to us.
We were all back at the apartment, recuperating after Ritchie's debacle.
RITCHIE: The ratings are going to go through the roof!
Oh yeah, and Ritchie invited himself over.
RITCHIE: I don't know how we're going to follow this up.
ME: We're not.
RITCHIE: But I didn't even get to interview you guys! By the time the blood was cleaned up--
PAIGE: I'll do the show!
ALL: No!
JACKSON: Ritchie, when did you become a glutton for punishment?
ME: Jackson's right. Today was embarrassing. The Mayor Providence, a noted writer, an Artistic Director, a college professor, and a bunch of bitches--
JACKSON: Hey!
ME: --getting into a catfight? We were no better than the A-List.
PAIGE: What an odd sentence.
I pulled my suitcase from underneath the couch.
JACKSON: I was wondering when you were going to bust that out.
ME: I think today was a sign.
PAIGE: That you should always bring mace to a catfight?
ME: Nooo. That it's time for me to leave. Ben's not producing my script until later this spring. I should go back to New York--
PAIGE: But--
ME: JUST for a little while. To get things sorted out. Then, maybe, I'll come back. But honestly, it doesn't seem like it's a good idea for me to be here.
PAIGE: Maybe you just need another sign!
Knock, knock.
We all looked at the door.
RITCHIE: Is this when one of us gets killed?
PAIGE: Or wins a giant check!
JACKSON: I hope she's the one who gets killed.
PAIGE: Hey!
I went to the door an opened it.
It was worse than death.
JOAN: There's my baby!
It was my mother.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Save It For the Cameras, Ladies
Hi, my name is Jackson.
KATE: We're on air in two minutes!
All the CBQ's are lined up on Ritchie's stage.
When each of us walked out, the audience of die-hard fans went nuts. It was like we were the gay Beatles.
Even Nathan was there. Apparently he decided to join in at the last minute, although he didn't look happy about it.
He was sitting next to Ben, who was next to Jeremy, who was next to me.
On the other side of Nathan was Joey, Davis, Hank, and Billy.
Ritchie was going to be moving about the audience.
HANK: How'd the wedding go, Billy?
BILLY: My wife left me for a guy I turned straight.
ME: Which one?
BILLY: Shut up, Jackson.
HANK: That's what you get for trying to pretend you're a hetero.
DAVIS: Do I hear judgement in your tone, Hank?
HANK: Davis--
DAVIS: When you were just ripping Ritchie's clothes off--
ALL: Ewww!
HANK: Oh please, at least I didn't marry him, Ben.
BEN: What does that mean?
NATHAN: Please keep in mind that I've already shot somebody once this year, Hank.
JEREMY: Can we all try to be amicable?
JOEY: We can as soon as you explain what that means.
NATHAN: Jeremy always has to keep the peace, doesn't he?
JEREMY: Would you prefer I let my claws out like the rest of you?
HANK: The rest of us? What would you call writing that book?
ME: Back off, Hank.
HANK: Don't tell me what to do!
Before I knew it, I was rushing at Hank, but I landed on Davis, who I started punching anyway, just for good measure.
The whole thing turned into an immediate brawl, with the audience cheering us on.
We didn't even hear Kate do the countdown, or Ritchie's introduction.
RITCHIE: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome back, the CBQ's!
I think that was when I was yanking out a patch of Nathan's hair.
KATE: We're on air in two minutes!
All the CBQ's are lined up on Ritchie's stage.
When each of us walked out, the audience of die-hard fans went nuts. It was like we were the gay Beatles.
Even Nathan was there. Apparently he decided to join in at the last minute, although he didn't look happy about it.
He was sitting next to Ben, who was next to Jeremy, who was next to me.
On the other side of Nathan was Joey, Davis, Hank, and Billy.
Ritchie was going to be moving about the audience.
HANK: How'd the wedding go, Billy?
BILLY: My wife left me for a guy I turned straight.
ME: Which one?
BILLY: Shut up, Jackson.
HANK: That's what you get for trying to pretend you're a hetero.
DAVIS: Do I hear judgement in your tone, Hank?
HANK: Davis--
DAVIS: When you were just ripping Ritchie's clothes off--
ALL: Ewww!
HANK: Oh please, at least I didn't marry him, Ben.
BEN: What does that mean?
NATHAN: Please keep in mind that I've already shot somebody once this year, Hank.
JEREMY: Can we all try to be amicable?
JOEY: We can as soon as you explain what that means.
NATHAN: Jeremy always has to keep the peace, doesn't he?
JEREMY: Would you prefer I let my claws out like the rest of you?
HANK: The rest of us? What would you call writing that book?
ME: Back off, Hank.
HANK: Don't tell me what to do!
Before I knew it, I was rushing at Hank, but I landed on Davis, who I started punching anyway, just for good measure.
The whole thing turned into an immediate brawl, with the audience cheering us on.
We didn't even hear Kate do the countdown, or Ritchie's introduction.
RITCHIE: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome back, the CBQ's!
I think that was when I was yanking out a patch of Nathan's hair.
Pre-Show Rituals
Hi, my name is Hank.
RITCHIE: Hank, this isn't a good time.
ME: But I'm nervous. And you know how I get when I get nervous--
I hate that Ritchie and I have fallen into this sexual pattern, but I also find it intoxicating.
Ironically, I'm usually intoxicated when we do it.
I had asked to see him in my dressing room before the reunion.
RITCHIE: We have to be onstage in twenty minutes.
ME: That's fifteen minutes longer than you usually need.
RITCHIE: You bitch.
ME: Whore.
RITCHIE: Slut.
We were on the couch and slapping each other before either of us could say another word.
Then slapping led to kissing and kissing led to--
VOICE: Oh!
We both looked up to see Davis standing in the doorway--looking smug.
DAVIS: Good to see some things never change.
Hey, at least I was at a good angle.
RITCHIE: Hank, this isn't a good time.
ME: But I'm nervous. And you know how I get when I get nervous--
I hate that Ritchie and I have fallen into this sexual pattern, but I also find it intoxicating.
Ironically, I'm usually intoxicated when we do it.
I had asked to see him in my dressing room before the reunion.
RITCHIE: We have to be onstage in twenty minutes.
ME: That's fifteen minutes longer than you usually need.
RITCHIE: You bitch.
ME: Whore.
RITCHIE: Slut.
We were on the couch and slapping each other before either of us could say another word.
Then slapping led to kissing and kissing led to--
VOICE: Oh!
We both looked up to see Davis standing in the doorway--looking smug.
DAVIS: Good to see some things never change.
Hey, at least I was at a good angle.
I Don't Like Your Tone
Hi, my name is Ritchie.
ME: I have a few questions of my own, Nathan.
Leave it to the one guy who decided not to participate in the reunion to make all the trouble.
Nathan showed up at the studio the day of the big CBQ show to ask me about a check I'd written out to Bart.
NATHAN: Ask anything you want.
ME: How did you find the check?
NATHAN: Bart mailed it to me.
ME: Why would he do that?
NATHAN: I was hoping you could tell me. I was also hoping you could tell me why you wrote a check to Bart for ten thousand dollars.
ME: I'm not sure that's any of your business.
NATHAN: Considering he tried to kill all of us--
ME: And you shot him. Mr. Hero that you are. So why don't we just let all this go?
NATHAN: No can do.
Famous last words.
I took the book out of my drawer and let it fall on the desk.
ME: Stuff like this costs big money, wouldn't you say?
Nathan's mouth dropped, but he recovered fast.
NATHAN: What's that?
I laughed.
ME: That is the reason you'll be coming on the reunion today, Nathan.
And it was worth every penny.
ME: I have a few questions of my own, Nathan.
Leave it to the one guy who decided not to participate in the reunion to make all the trouble.
Nathan showed up at the studio the day of the big CBQ show to ask me about a check I'd written out to Bart.
NATHAN: Ask anything you want.
ME: How did you find the check?
NATHAN: Bart mailed it to me.
ME: Why would he do that?
NATHAN: I was hoping you could tell me. I was also hoping you could tell me why you wrote a check to Bart for ten thousand dollars.
ME: I'm not sure that's any of your business.
NATHAN: Considering he tried to kill all of us--
ME: And you shot him. Mr. Hero that you are. So why don't we just let all this go?
NATHAN: No can do.
Famous last words.
I took the book out of my drawer and let it fall on the desk.
ME: Stuff like this costs big money, wouldn't you say?
Nathan's mouth dropped, but he recovered fast.
NATHAN: What's that?
I laughed.
ME: That is the reason you'll be coming on the reunion today, Nathan.
And it was worth every penny.
If Anyone Here Objects
Hi, my name is Billy.
TOM: Are you excited?
My future brother-in-law was adjusting my tie.
ME: I'm...sweating.
TOM: That's great!
ME: Yeah. How many, uh--
TOM: Not a lot. And no CBQ's. I followed your instructions to the letter.
ME: Thank you so much. I just couldn't handle any of that today.
TOM: Relax. This is going to be the happiest day of your life.
We'll see about that.
Once the wedding got started, I did manage to calm down a little bit.
Emma walked down the aisle looking beautiful.
We read our vows.
We cried.
We laughed.
Then we got to the part I was worried about.
PRIEST: If anyone here can think of any reason...
It's okay, I told myself. Who can stop this now?
Jeremy's not here.
None of the queens are.
This is going to be just--
VOICE: Stop!
Oh no.
Everyone looked to the back of the church were the objector was standing.
CHRISTOPHER: I'm in love with this person!
Tom was standing in the third row looking confused.
I warned him about the CBQ's, but I forgot to tell him about my latest convert.
Except it seems the conversion didn't take.
I started to say something to Emma, but when I looked at her, she had tears in her eyes and she was looking right at--
EMMA: Christopher!
She ran to him, and threw herself into his arms.
They kissed, and then ran out of the church.
I was shocked.
My convert had just stolen my fiance.
Somewhere in here there was irony, but at that moment, I just felt...
...Thrilled.
TOM: Are you excited?
My future brother-in-law was adjusting my tie.
ME: I'm...sweating.
TOM: That's great!
ME: Yeah. How many, uh--
TOM: Not a lot. And no CBQ's. I followed your instructions to the letter.
ME: Thank you so much. I just couldn't handle any of that today.
TOM: Relax. This is going to be the happiest day of your life.
We'll see about that.
Once the wedding got started, I did manage to calm down a little bit.
Emma walked down the aisle looking beautiful.
We read our vows.
We cried.
We laughed.
Then we got to the part I was worried about.
PRIEST: If anyone here can think of any reason...
It's okay, I told myself. Who can stop this now?
Jeremy's not here.
None of the queens are.
This is going to be just--
VOICE: Stop!
Oh no.
Everyone looked to the back of the church were the objector was standing.
CHRISTOPHER: I'm in love with this person!
Tom was standing in the third row looking confused.
I warned him about the CBQ's, but I forgot to tell him about my latest convert.
Except it seems the conversion didn't take.
I started to say something to Emma, but when I looked at her, she had tears in her eyes and she was looking right at--
EMMA: Christopher!
She ran to him, and threw herself into his arms.
They kissed, and then ran out of the church.
I was shocked.
My convert had just stolen my fiance.
Somewhere in here there was irony, but at that moment, I just felt...
...Thrilled.
Where There's No Will
Hi, my name is Nathan.
LANDLORD: I have to admit, I didn't think anyone was going to show up for this stuff.
Richard and I were still missing the book that Bart stole from our hotel room.
If that book were to get into the wrong hands, I'd be heading to jail. That means I had to find it.
So I did a little digging, and found out where Bart was staying in Providence--a dingy little apartment on the south side.
I took Richard with me and we pretended to be grieving relatives.
The landlord looked like he was happy to have someone come clean out the place.
LANDLORD: It must be hard for you folks to have a psycho in the family.
ME: Well, now that he's dead, we're all relieved. Awful as that sounds.
RICHARD: Yes, there'll be more ham to go around at Easter.
I jabbed Richard in the side.
The landlord looked suspicious.
LANDLORD: How were you related to him?
ME: We were his--
ME/RICHARD: Cousins/Brothers.
ME: We're a very close family.
The landlord left us alone, and we promised to have the place cleaned out in a few hours.
ME: Find that book.
The place was pretty clean, which was a relief, but there wasn't any sign of a book anywhere.
But there was something on his bed that caught my eye.
ME: A check.
RICHARD: From who?
From Ritchie.
LANDLORD: I have to admit, I didn't think anyone was going to show up for this stuff.
Richard and I were still missing the book that Bart stole from our hotel room.
If that book were to get into the wrong hands, I'd be heading to jail. That means I had to find it.
So I did a little digging, and found out where Bart was staying in Providence--a dingy little apartment on the south side.
I took Richard with me and we pretended to be grieving relatives.
The landlord looked like he was happy to have someone come clean out the place.
LANDLORD: It must be hard for you folks to have a psycho in the family.
ME: Well, now that he's dead, we're all relieved. Awful as that sounds.
RICHARD: Yes, there'll be more ham to go around at Easter.
I jabbed Richard in the side.
The landlord looked suspicious.
LANDLORD: How were you related to him?
ME: We were his--
ME/RICHARD: Cousins/Brothers.
ME: We're a very close family.
The landlord left us alone, and we promised to have the place cleaned out in a few hours.
ME: Find that book.
The place was pretty clean, which was a relief, but there wasn't any sign of a book anywhere.
But there was something on his bed that caught my eye.
ME: A check.
RICHARD: From who?
From Ritchie.
Make Our Garden Grow
Hi, my name is Joey.
ME: We'd like to invite you to join our relationship.
ADAM: You're kidding right.
I told Ken that Adam wouldn't go for this, but he's a big fan, and Morgan's been talking about bringing in someone new anyway. I figured Adam wouldn't be the worst choice. It was either him or that barista in Wayland Square, who always calls me 'Sweetass.'
MORGAN: There are a lot of benefits to being in a mutli-partnered relationship.
ADAM: Like what? The fact that you don't need to invite anyone over to have a board game night?
KEN: We also have our own Book Club.
ADAM: Joey, how did you even get involved in this?
It's a long story.
Morgan met me at a bar one night, and he and Ken took me home. Then they asked if I wanted to stay, and I said sure.
Okay, I guess the story isn't as long as I thought.
ME: It's worked out really well for me.
Adam stood up.
ADAM: Okay, you're leaving with me.
ME: What?
KEN: Oh cool! Where are we going?
ADAM: You're not going anywhere, Ken. Joey and I are leaving together.
ME: I can't do that!
ADAM: Joey, I'm rich now. I can put you up in the nicest hotel in Providence until you get things straightened out. But I'm not leaving you to sit here in this gay compound.
Morgan stood up.
MORGAN: I don't care how rich you are. Chances are, I'm richer.
ADAM: But do you have a Tony?
MORGAN: I did, but he moved to San Diego.
ADAM: I hope you're joking.
KEN: No, he really liked zoos.
I had to put a stop to this.
ME: Adam, I can't leave with you. These are my boyfriends now.
KEN: And as soon as the government stops being so prejudiced and allows polygamous gay marriage, we're all going to be husbands.
ADAM: Oh, what a bright future that will be.
Morgan grabbed Adam by his shirt.
MORGAN: It's time for you to go.
ADAM: Get your hand off me!
Adam shoved Morgan. Morgan shoved back. Ken and I tried to get between them, but somehow Ken got shoved into the coffee table, and Adam landed a punch on Morgan that knocked him out.
Then he grabbed my arm.
ADAM: We're leaving.
I said 'Yes.' Only because I didn't want to be there when Morgan woke up.
ME: We'd like to invite you to join our relationship.
ADAM: You're kidding right.
I told Ken that Adam wouldn't go for this, but he's a big fan, and Morgan's been talking about bringing in someone new anyway. I figured Adam wouldn't be the worst choice. It was either him or that barista in Wayland Square, who always calls me 'Sweetass.'
MORGAN: There are a lot of benefits to being in a mutli-partnered relationship.
ADAM: Like what? The fact that you don't need to invite anyone over to have a board game night?
KEN: We also have our own Book Club.
ADAM: Joey, how did you even get involved in this?
It's a long story.
Morgan met me at a bar one night, and he and Ken took me home. Then they asked if I wanted to stay, and I said sure.
Okay, I guess the story isn't as long as I thought.
ME: It's worked out really well for me.
Adam stood up.
ADAM: Okay, you're leaving with me.
ME: What?
KEN: Oh cool! Where are we going?
ADAM: You're not going anywhere, Ken. Joey and I are leaving together.
ME: I can't do that!
ADAM: Joey, I'm rich now. I can put you up in the nicest hotel in Providence until you get things straightened out. But I'm not leaving you to sit here in this gay compound.
Morgan stood up.
MORGAN: I don't care how rich you are. Chances are, I'm richer.
ADAM: But do you have a Tony?
MORGAN: I did, but he moved to San Diego.
ADAM: I hope you're joking.
KEN: No, he really liked zoos.
I had to put a stop to this.
ME: Adam, I can't leave with you. These are my boyfriends now.
KEN: And as soon as the government stops being so prejudiced and allows polygamous gay marriage, we're all going to be husbands.
ADAM: Oh, what a bright future that will be.
Morgan grabbed Adam by his shirt.
MORGAN: It's time for you to go.
ADAM: Get your hand off me!
Adam shoved Morgan. Morgan shoved back. Ken and I tried to get between them, but somehow Ken got shoved into the coffee table, and Adam landed a punch on Morgan that knocked him out.
Then he grabbed my arm.
ADAM: We're leaving.
I said 'Yes.' Only because I didn't want to be there when Morgan woke up.
The Comeback Tour
Hi, my name is Adam.
ME: So let me get this straight--
Ben invited me to his theater to discuss the possibility of me giving him the greatest gift of all:
ME: --You want me to act here?
Myself.
BEN: We're in a tight spot financially. We could really use a bump in ticket sales. If we added you to a show currently in the season--
ME: I'll pick the show.
BEN: So you'll do it?
ME: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You haven't even spoken to my agent yet.
BEN: What's his name?
ME: How should I know? Is it always this cold in here?
BEN: Uh--
He showed me around the theater, and by the end of the tour, I'd made up my mind.
ME: I'll do it.
BEN: I assumed that when you instructed my assistant to have the dressing room painted eggshell blue.
ME: You'll thank me later.
BEN: So what show do you want to do?
ME: Jeremy pitched you his new play, didn't he?
BEN: Yeah. You want to be in that?
ME: I'd kill to do that play.
BEN: Which role are you interested?
ME: Funnily enough--
Here's where I close the deal.
ME: I'd like to play you.
The look on his face told me that this was going to be an interesting trip home.
ME: So let me get this straight--
Ben invited me to his theater to discuss the possibility of me giving him the greatest gift of all:
ME: --You want me to act here?
Myself.
BEN: We're in a tight spot financially. We could really use a bump in ticket sales. If we added you to a show currently in the season--
ME: I'll pick the show.
BEN: So you'll do it?
ME: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You haven't even spoken to my agent yet.
BEN: What's his name?
ME: How should I know? Is it always this cold in here?
BEN: Uh--
He showed me around the theater, and by the end of the tour, I'd made up my mind.
ME: I'll do it.
BEN: I assumed that when you instructed my assistant to have the dressing room painted eggshell blue.
ME: You'll thank me later.
BEN: So what show do you want to do?
ME: Jeremy pitched you his new play, didn't he?
BEN: Yeah. You want to be in that?
ME: I'd kill to do that play.
BEN: Which role are you interested?
ME: Funnily enough--
Here's where I close the deal.
ME: I'd like to play you.
The look on his face told me that this was going to be an interesting trip home.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Our Dream Looks Good on You
Hi, my name is Ben.
Knock, knock.
JEREMY: Hey.
Jeremy?
ME: Hey.
I didn't expect to see him. Certainly not at my office.
JEREMY: So this is the theater, huh?
ME: Yeah, this is it.
JEREMY: I can't believe it.
ME: Sometimes I still can't either.
JEREMY: Ben, the Artistic Director.
ME: Well, if things don't turn around, it'll be Ben the Homeless Guy.
JEREMY: Times are that tough, huh?
ME: Even during good times, it's hard keeping a theater this big up and running.
JEREMY: I can imagine. Still, this was the...you know, you and me--
ME: Yeah. I know.
Before too much nostalgia rushed in, I motioned to the seat in front of my desk.
ME: So is this about the reunion?
JEREMY: No, actually, but now that you mentioned it--
ME: I said I'd do it. Nathan doesn't want to, but I have to do anything that could be good for business, even if it is shockingly humiliating.
JEREMY: You think it'll be that bad?
ME: Ritchie's in charge.
JEREMY: Yeah, we're screwed all right.
It felt weird having Jeremy in the theater that he and I should have built together. Five years isn't that long, but when you shove so many events into it...
JEREMY: I wrote a play.
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: I wrote a play and I was wondering if maybe you'd be interested in producing it here at the theater.
ME: Uh...
JEREMY: If you think it's terrible, you don't have to do it, but if you could at least read it--
ME: To be honest, even if it is terrible, producing a work by a bestselling author would really please our subscriber base.
JEREMY: Oh, well, great. So--I'll e-mail it to you?
ME: Perfect.
We stood up. I went to shake his hand, he went for a hug, we laughed. Then we hugged.
Then there was this moment.
This "Are We Going to Kiss?" moment that happened, and then passed.
We laughed again, but it was a quieter laugh this time.
Then he moved towards the door.
But he stopped, turned around, and said--
JEREMY: By the way, thank Nathan for me. For saving my life--and you know, Jackson and Paige.
ME: Sure thing.
JEREMY: When did he become such a hero?
I smiled and shrugged, and Jeremy left, but in my mind I was thinking--
Yeah, when did that happen?
Knock, knock.
JEREMY: Hey.
Jeremy?
ME: Hey.
I didn't expect to see him. Certainly not at my office.
JEREMY: So this is the theater, huh?
ME: Yeah, this is it.
JEREMY: I can't believe it.
ME: Sometimes I still can't either.
JEREMY: Ben, the Artistic Director.
ME: Well, if things don't turn around, it'll be Ben the Homeless Guy.
JEREMY: Times are that tough, huh?
ME: Even during good times, it's hard keeping a theater this big up and running.
JEREMY: I can imagine. Still, this was the...you know, you and me--
ME: Yeah. I know.
Before too much nostalgia rushed in, I motioned to the seat in front of my desk.
ME: So is this about the reunion?
JEREMY: No, actually, but now that you mentioned it--
ME: I said I'd do it. Nathan doesn't want to, but I have to do anything that could be good for business, even if it is shockingly humiliating.
JEREMY: You think it'll be that bad?
ME: Ritchie's in charge.
JEREMY: Yeah, we're screwed all right.
It felt weird having Jeremy in the theater that he and I should have built together. Five years isn't that long, but when you shove so many events into it...
JEREMY: I wrote a play.
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: I wrote a play and I was wondering if maybe you'd be interested in producing it here at the theater.
ME: Uh...
JEREMY: If you think it's terrible, you don't have to do it, but if you could at least read it--
ME: To be honest, even if it is terrible, producing a work by a bestselling author would really please our subscriber base.
JEREMY: Oh, well, great. So--I'll e-mail it to you?
ME: Perfect.
We stood up. I went to shake his hand, he went for a hug, we laughed. Then we hugged.
Then there was this moment.
This "Are We Going to Kiss?" moment that happened, and then passed.
We laughed again, but it was a quieter laugh this time.
Then he moved towards the door.
But he stopped, turned around, and said--
JEREMY: By the way, thank Nathan for me. For saving my life--and you know, Jackson and Paige.
ME: Sure thing.
JEREMY: When did he become such a hero?
I smiled and shrugged, and Jeremy left, but in my mind I was thinking--
Yeah, when did that happen?
I'm the Mary
Hi, my name is Davis.
JEREMY: You couldn't afford something ritzier than the Cheesecake Factory?
ME: I like to eat with the common people.
JEREMY: Then shouldn't we be at Uno's?
ME: Common people with taste--and money.
This was the first time Jeremy and I had been alone since he'd come back to town.
ME: I notice you keep pushing back this trip.
JEREMY: The family has agreed to do the reunion on Ritchie's show.
ME: So you're their Robert Redford?
JEREMY: You mean Al Pacino. Robert Redford wasn't in The Godfather.
ME: I thought we were talking about Risky Business.
JEREMY: In which case, what you said made even less sense.
God, I missed our witty banter.
ME: So there's no chance that this extended stay will get any longer?
JEREMY: I keep saying 'No,' and then...things come up.
ME: What kind of things?
JEREMY: Adam deciding that he likes being a local celebrity. My siblings deciding we need to repair our broken relationships--
ME: Billy getting married?
JEREMY: I'm staying far away from that.
ME: That's usually what you say right before you find yourself involved in whatever it is you're staying away from.
JEREMY: I'll move to Kenya before I tango with Straight Billy and His Beard.
ME: I hear it's lovely there this time of year.
Then he brought up the sorest of subjects.
JEREMY: I'm sorry I missed your wedding.
ME: We didn't have a wedding.
JEREMY: Why not?
ME: My inauguration was our wedding.
JEREMY: So now bouquet? No cake? No Dexy's Midnight Runner's cover band?
ME: Liam and I are both very work-oriented.
JEREMY: So you haven't had sex recently?
ME: It's been years.
I hate that he knows me so well.
JEREMY: Maybe you should do something about that.
ME: Oh, trust me, I--
Then I saw a look in his eyes that I don't think I've ever seen before--
A mischievous sort of--
VOICE: Excuse me?
I turned around to see someone holding a pen and a napkin.
RANDOM GIRL: Could I get both of your autographs?
I turned back to Jeremy.
ME: Has this been happening a lot to you lately?
JEREMY: Wait until the reunion airs. We may all have to move to New York.
And, I swear, I could feel his hand slightly graze my knee underneath the table.
JEREMY: You couldn't afford something ritzier than the Cheesecake Factory?
ME: I like to eat with the common people.
JEREMY: Then shouldn't we be at Uno's?
ME: Common people with taste--and money.
This was the first time Jeremy and I had been alone since he'd come back to town.
ME: I notice you keep pushing back this trip.
JEREMY: The family has agreed to do the reunion on Ritchie's show.
ME: So you're their Robert Redford?
JEREMY: You mean Al Pacino. Robert Redford wasn't in The Godfather.
ME: I thought we were talking about Risky Business.
JEREMY: In which case, what you said made even less sense.
God, I missed our witty banter.
ME: So there's no chance that this extended stay will get any longer?
JEREMY: I keep saying 'No,' and then...things come up.
ME: What kind of things?
JEREMY: Adam deciding that he likes being a local celebrity. My siblings deciding we need to repair our broken relationships--
ME: Billy getting married?
JEREMY: I'm staying far away from that.
ME: That's usually what you say right before you find yourself involved in whatever it is you're staying away from.
JEREMY: I'll move to Kenya before I tango with Straight Billy and His Beard.
ME: I hear it's lovely there this time of year.
Then he brought up the sorest of subjects.
JEREMY: I'm sorry I missed your wedding.
ME: We didn't have a wedding.
JEREMY: Why not?
ME: My inauguration was our wedding.
JEREMY: So now bouquet? No cake? No Dexy's Midnight Runner's cover band?
ME: Liam and I are both very work-oriented.
JEREMY: So you haven't had sex recently?
ME: It's been years.
I hate that he knows me so well.
JEREMY: Maybe you should do something about that.
ME: Oh, trust me, I--
Then I saw a look in his eyes that I don't think I've ever seen before--
A mischievous sort of--
VOICE: Excuse me?
I turned around to see someone holding a pen and a napkin.
RANDOM GIRL: Could I get both of your autographs?
I turned back to Jeremy.
ME: Has this been happening a lot to you lately?
JEREMY: Wait until the reunion airs. We may all have to move to New York.
And, I swear, I could feel his hand slightly graze my knee underneath the table.
Monday, February 20, 2012
That Old Homosexual Magic
Hi, my name is Jeremy.
BILLY: If this is about another hostage situation, tell the guy to kill everyone.
JEREMY: Actually, I just wanted to talk.
When I contacted Ritchie to tell him that Jackson, Paige, Adam, and I were all in for the reunion, I asked him where Billy worked now.
RITCHIE: The Center for New Thinking on Sin.
ME: You're kidding, right?
RITCHIE: I wish.
The place was in the middle of the mall.
Because apparently if you're looking for gays to convert, that's the place to go.
I know after I go on a J.Crew shopping spree, I usually want to become a straight guy.
BILLY: You shouldn't be here.
ME: Billy, I just--I feel bad about how, you know, I left.
BILLY: Whatever. It's in the past.
ME: It seems like you can't leave anything in the past anymore.
He considered this.
BILLY: Have a seat. I'll tell my boss we're having a consultation.
ME: Is there going to be make-up? Because I could use some concealer.
BILLY: There's that old charm I remember so well.
While he was gone I looked at some of his pamphlets about "conversion."
I've read Stephen King novels that weren't as scary.
When he came back, I was holding one called "How Sure Are You?"
BILLY: That's our most popular--
ME: --Piece of propaganda?
BILLY: If you're going to make fun--
ME: I'm sorry. It's just...How did this happen?
BILLY: What do you care? We had a movie night and then you took off.
ME: You know it wasn't that simple.
BILLY: No, actually, I don't. What happened?
Look out!
ME: It was, uh--
BILLY: Nothing got settled. It was during the whole Paige adoption thing. Your mother was missing. Your father--
ME: I know.
BILLY: How could you just leave in the middle of all that?
ME: It's like...Okay, here's the thing. For awhile, when I was helping write the CBQ tv show, I'd find myself backed into corners of my own making. Like, I'd write a story with these great problems and then not know how to get out of it. I'm great with problems, but I'm terrible with solutions. That's why I'm not a very good writer.
BILLY: You're a great writer.
ME: No, I'm okay. Great writers have solutions.
BILLY: So what would you do? When you backed yourself into these corners?
ME: Well, there are tricks. The easiest one is to just jump ahead a year or two in time, and work backwards.
BILLY: That sounds more difficult.
ME: You'd be surprised how much time can work out.
I put my hand on his hand. He looked down at it with, I swear, this sort of...yearning?
But then he pulled away.
BILLY: You should go now.
ME: You can't get married.
BILLY: I can do whatever I want, Jeremy. And I'm marrying Emma.
ME: Isn't it bad luck to have a wedding in this state? We never got through them when I was here.
BILLY: Things change.
ME: I guess they do.
I took a pamphlet for when I would walk by Billy's boss.
Then I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
ME: Don't assume I haven't changed while I've been gone.
From the look in his eyes when I pulled away, I could tell he wasn't sure what I meant by that.
But some things should stay a mystery--
--Until they're ready to be revealed.
BILLY: If this is about another hostage situation, tell the guy to kill everyone.
JEREMY: Actually, I just wanted to talk.
When I contacted Ritchie to tell him that Jackson, Paige, Adam, and I were all in for the reunion, I asked him where Billy worked now.
RITCHIE: The Center for New Thinking on Sin.
ME: You're kidding, right?
RITCHIE: I wish.
The place was in the middle of the mall.
Because apparently if you're looking for gays to convert, that's the place to go.
I know after I go on a J.Crew shopping spree, I usually want to become a straight guy.
BILLY: You shouldn't be here.
ME: Billy, I just--I feel bad about how, you know, I left.
BILLY: Whatever. It's in the past.
ME: It seems like you can't leave anything in the past anymore.
He considered this.
BILLY: Have a seat. I'll tell my boss we're having a consultation.
ME: Is there going to be make-up? Because I could use some concealer.
BILLY: There's that old charm I remember so well.
While he was gone I looked at some of his pamphlets about "conversion."
I've read Stephen King novels that weren't as scary.
When he came back, I was holding one called "How Sure Are You?"
BILLY: That's our most popular--
ME: --Piece of propaganda?
BILLY: If you're going to make fun--
ME: I'm sorry. It's just...How did this happen?
BILLY: What do you care? We had a movie night and then you took off.
ME: You know it wasn't that simple.
BILLY: No, actually, I don't. What happened?
Look out!
ME: It was, uh--
BILLY: Nothing got settled. It was during the whole Paige adoption thing. Your mother was missing. Your father--
ME: I know.
BILLY: How could you just leave in the middle of all that?
ME: It's like...Okay, here's the thing. For awhile, when I was helping write the CBQ tv show, I'd find myself backed into corners of my own making. Like, I'd write a story with these great problems and then not know how to get out of it. I'm great with problems, but I'm terrible with solutions. That's why I'm not a very good writer.
BILLY: You're a great writer.
ME: No, I'm okay. Great writers have solutions.
BILLY: So what would you do? When you backed yourself into these corners?
ME: Well, there are tricks. The easiest one is to just jump ahead a year or two in time, and work backwards.
BILLY: That sounds more difficult.
ME: You'd be surprised how much time can work out.
I put my hand on his hand. He looked down at it with, I swear, this sort of...yearning?
But then he pulled away.
BILLY: You should go now.
ME: You can't get married.
BILLY: I can do whatever I want, Jeremy. And I'm marrying Emma.
ME: Isn't it bad luck to have a wedding in this state? We never got through them when I was here.
BILLY: Things change.
ME: I guess they do.
I took a pamphlet for when I would walk by Billy's boss.
Then I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
ME: Don't assume I haven't changed while I've been gone.
From the look in his eyes when I pulled away, I could tell he wasn't sure what I meant by that.
But some things should stay a mystery--
--Until they're ready to be revealed.
The Gays Have It
Hi, my name is Jackson.
PAIGE: I think it's a great idea.
ME and JEREMY: You would.
Hank came over and told us about Ritchie's reunion idea.
ADAM: Why not? It'll help sell your next book, Jeremy.
JEREMY: I don't need help selling a book.
ME: Especially since we've all been on CNN since the hostage situation.
PAIGE: I thought we weren't going to talk about that anymore?
Paige has been taking the whole thing pretty hard.
I guess gays are just more resilient when it comes to being tied up.
We were all sitting down for our first family meal in years.
Jeremy had postponed his stay because of Paige, but tomorrow was his last day here.
I had mixed feelings about it.
Our relationship has been strained, but he's still my brother.
JEREMY: Jackson, that shirt makes you look like you have a third nipple instead of a belly button.
Then again...
JEREMY: And we're not doing this reunion. None of us.
ME: Whoa, you can't just declare something like that.
HANK: Yeah, in case it slipped your mind, you've been missing for five years.
JEREMY: I wasn't on a deserted island. I was in upstate New York.
ADAM: As if anybody knows where that is. I'm from the city and I don't even know where it is.
PAIGE: I wish you'd stay.
JEREMY: Paige, we talked about this.
ME: If he wants to go, let him go, but the rest of us are doing the reunion.
JEREMY: No, we're not.
I stood up.
ME: Yes, we are.
He stood up.
JEREMY: No, you're not.
Adam stood up.
ADAM: I--would like more chicken.
HANK: I would too.
PAIGE: I want to hear the fight.
HANK: Paige!
PAIGE: Ugh, fine.
They left us alone.
ME: If you want to have a say in what this family does, you have to stay a part of it. Not go rushing back to whatever it is you were doing while you were gone.
JEREMY: When I'm here, bad stuff happens.
ME: In case you haven't noticed, bad stuff seems to happen regardless of if you're here or not.
JEREMY: But I can't live my life with this much drama anymore.
ME: Maybe that's the price you have to pay for being close to your brother and sister. Everybody come back in!
Once they were in, I made my own declaration.
ME: We put it to a vote. Majority rules. Do we do the reunion?
To my surprise, everybody's hand went up.
Even Jeremy's.
JEREMY: Looks like I'm staying a little longer than I thought.
Now let's hope he's wrong about bringing about disaster.
At least we're all in front of the cameras.
PAIGE: I think it's a great idea.
ME and JEREMY: You would.
Hank came over and told us about Ritchie's reunion idea.
ADAM: Why not? It'll help sell your next book, Jeremy.
JEREMY: I don't need help selling a book.
ME: Especially since we've all been on CNN since the hostage situation.
PAIGE: I thought we weren't going to talk about that anymore?
Paige has been taking the whole thing pretty hard.
I guess gays are just more resilient when it comes to being tied up.
We were all sitting down for our first family meal in years.
Jeremy had postponed his stay because of Paige, but tomorrow was his last day here.
I had mixed feelings about it.
Our relationship has been strained, but he's still my brother.
JEREMY: Jackson, that shirt makes you look like you have a third nipple instead of a belly button.
Then again...
JEREMY: And we're not doing this reunion. None of us.
ME: Whoa, you can't just declare something like that.
HANK: Yeah, in case it slipped your mind, you've been missing for five years.
JEREMY: I wasn't on a deserted island. I was in upstate New York.
ADAM: As if anybody knows where that is. I'm from the city and I don't even know where it is.
PAIGE: I wish you'd stay.
JEREMY: Paige, we talked about this.
ME: If he wants to go, let him go, but the rest of us are doing the reunion.
JEREMY: No, we're not.
I stood up.
ME: Yes, we are.
He stood up.
JEREMY: No, you're not.
Adam stood up.
ADAM: I--would like more chicken.
HANK: I would too.
PAIGE: I want to hear the fight.
HANK: Paige!
PAIGE: Ugh, fine.
They left us alone.
ME: If you want to have a say in what this family does, you have to stay a part of it. Not go rushing back to whatever it is you were doing while you were gone.
JEREMY: When I'm here, bad stuff happens.
ME: In case you haven't noticed, bad stuff seems to happen regardless of if you're here or not.
JEREMY: But I can't live my life with this much drama anymore.
ME: Maybe that's the price you have to pay for being close to your brother and sister. Everybody come back in!
Once they were in, I made my own declaration.
ME: We put it to a vote. Majority rules. Do we do the reunion?
To my surprise, everybody's hand went up.
Even Jeremy's.
JEREMY: Looks like I'm staying a little longer than I thought.
Now let's hope he's wrong about bringing about disaster.
At least we're all in front of the cameras.
Old Methods Die Hard
Hi, my name is Hank.
ME: Absolutely not.
Ritchie just pitched his "reunion" idea to me.
ME: I'd rather have my ass shaved on live television.
RITCHIE: We can do that next month. I'm doing a special on man-scaping.
ME: Detecting sarcasm was never your strong suit, was it, Ritchie?
We were in my office, and I was hoping we could wrap up our little meeting so I could get home and begin my nightly drinking.
Ritchie already tried throwing money at me, but I do well enough. If I went on some lousy reunion show I might as well invite my students to view a sex tape of me with a blow-up doll. None of them would ever take me seriously again.
RITCHIE: Maybe I have something else I could offer you.
He shut the door to my office, and ripped off his pants.
ME: Are you kidding me?
RITCHIE: I always wear stripper pants and briefs, because you just never know.
ME: Aren't you the spokesperson for Petite Briefs?
RITCHEI: And their slogan is--'Because You Just Never Know.'
ME: I can't tell if I'm more embarrassed than you or--
RITCHIE: Why don't we have a little fun and then you can tell me if you care about your sterling reputation?
ME: What makes you think I would go for this?
RITCHIE: Because you're always the bitchiest when you haven't had sex for awhile, and judging from how much of that undetected sarcasm you've been laying on me, I'd say you're about to explode. You do the reunion, and I'll make you explode--twice.
I'd love to say I turned down his offer.
...I'd really love to say that.
All I'll say is...I'm not feeling so bitchy anymore.
And I could use a new desk.
ME: Absolutely not.
Ritchie just pitched his "reunion" idea to me.
ME: I'd rather have my ass shaved on live television.
RITCHIE: We can do that next month. I'm doing a special on man-scaping.
ME: Detecting sarcasm was never your strong suit, was it, Ritchie?
We were in my office, and I was hoping we could wrap up our little meeting so I could get home and begin my nightly drinking.
Ritchie already tried throwing money at me, but I do well enough. If I went on some lousy reunion show I might as well invite my students to view a sex tape of me with a blow-up doll. None of them would ever take me seriously again.
RITCHIE: Maybe I have something else I could offer you.
He shut the door to my office, and ripped off his pants.
ME: Are you kidding me?
RITCHIE: I always wear stripper pants and briefs, because you just never know.
ME: Aren't you the spokesperson for Petite Briefs?
RITCHEI: And their slogan is--'Because You Just Never Know.'
ME: I can't tell if I'm more embarrassed than you or--
RITCHIE: Why don't we have a little fun and then you can tell me if you care about your sterling reputation?
ME: What makes you think I would go for this?
RITCHIE: Because you're always the bitchiest when you haven't had sex for awhile, and judging from how much of that undetected sarcasm you've been laying on me, I'd say you're about to explode. You do the reunion, and I'll make you explode--twice.
I'd love to say I turned down his offer.
...I'd really love to say that.
All I'll say is...I'm not feeling so bitchy anymore.
And I could use a new desk.
Stunts for Sweeps
Hi, my name is Ritchie.
BILLY: You're not filming the wedding.
ME: What about just the bachelor party? There will be closeted gay sex happening, right?
I convinced Billy to meet me at the tv studio.
It wasn't easy either.
BILLY: And to think I bought the 'I still have your wallet from when we were stuck in a hostage crisis together' story.
ME: Well I did!
BILLY: And how did that happen?
ME: I stole it from you. I figured it might come in handy.
BILLY: Did you actually think I was going to agree with this.
ME: No, but...
I pulled out my mock poster.
ME: I thought you might agree to this.
BILLY: ARE YOU INSANE?
The poster read--CBQ REUNION!!!
BILLY: Haven't we spent enough time together for the next decade?
ME: It would be a ratings juggernaut. I bet we could beat Ellen.
BILLY: It's not happening, Ritchie. I'm getting married to a woman. I don't want anymore footage of me rehashing my past.
ME: I bet I can change my mind.
BILLY: Great. What are you going to blackmail me with?
ME: Please! Blackmail is for the poor.
I pulled the check out of my desk.
ME: I talk money.
I slid the check across the desk.
BILLY: I'm telling you there's no way I--
He saw the amount.
BILLY: Is this for real?
I smiled.
See?
Everyone loves a reunion.
BILLY: You're not filming the wedding.
ME: What about just the bachelor party? There will be closeted gay sex happening, right?
I convinced Billy to meet me at the tv studio.
It wasn't easy either.
BILLY: And to think I bought the 'I still have your wallet from when we were stuck in a hostage crisis together' story.
ME: Well I did!
BILLY: And how did that happen?
ME: I stole it from you. I figured it might come in handy.
BILLY: Did you actually think I was going to agree with this.
ME: No, but...
I pulled out my mock poster.
ME: I thought you might agree to this.
BILLY: ARE YOU INSANE?
The poster read--CBQ REUNION!!!
BILLY: Haven't we spent enough time together for the next decade?
ME: It would be a ratings juggernaut. I bet we could beat Ellen.
BILLY: It's not happening, Ritchie. I'm getting married to a woman. I don't want anymore footage of me rehashing my past.
ME: I bet I can change my mind.
BILLY: Great. What are you going to blackmail me with?
ME: Please! Blackmail is for the poor.
I pulled the check out of my desk.
ME: I talk money.
I slid the check across the desk.
BILLY: I'm telling you there's no way I--
He saw the amount.
BILLY: Is this for real?
I smiled.
See?
Everyone loves a reunion.
Just Don't Serve Cocktail Wieners
Hi, my name is Billy.
NATHAN: So let me get this straight...
I know what you're thinking.
NATHAN: You want me to cater your wedding?
Believe me, this wasn't my idea.
Emma wants to have the best of everything for our wedding, and Nathan has a reputation for being the best caterer in the state.
EMMA: You have to do it. I won't settle for anyone else.
NATHAN: Well, I guess we could--
EMMA: Plus, you're the only gay man in town who hasn't slept with my fiance.
She laughed to try and dull the sharpness of that, but there was a hint of hysteria within the joy. She still hasn't completely gotten over finding out that I was the inspiration for one of the CBQ characters.
I guess it would be difficult to know that your soon-to-be husband was once half of the gay equivalent of Ross and Rachel.
NATHAN: Well, I'll have Richard take down your dates, and we'll give you the meal of your dreams.
EMMA: I'm so thrilled. This will be so much easier than importing the food from Boston like we were planning.
NATHAN: I'm sorry--what?
EMMA: There's this adorable little restaurant outside Boston that my family just loves, but I'm sure your food will be just as good.
NATHAN: What restaurant would that be?
EMMA: Oh, I don't want to tell you. You'd just be intimidated.
There was that laugh again.
I noticed Nathan wasn't laughing.
NATHAN: You know, food at a wedding is becoming...passe.
ME: Aren't you a caterer?
NATHAN: I have a lot of self-loathing.
Believe me, I know the feeling.
NATHAN: So let me get this straight...
I know what you're thinking.
NATHAN: You want me to cater your wedding?
Believe me, this wasn't my idea.
Emma wants to have the best of everything for our wedding, and Nathan has a reputation for being the best caterer in the state.
EMMA: You have to do it. I won't settle for anyone else.
NATHAN: Well, I guess we could--
EMMA: Plus, you're the only gay man in town who hasn't slept with my fiance.
She laughed to try and dull the sharpness of that, but there was a hint of hysteria within the joy. She still hasn't completely gotten over finding out that I was the inspiration for one of the CBQ characters.
I guess it would be difficult to know that your soon-to-be husband was once half of the gay equivalent of Ross and Rachel.
NATHAN: Well, I'll have Richard take down your dates, and we'll give you the meal of your dreams.
EMMA: I'm so thrilled. This will be so much easier than importing the food from Boston like we were planning.
NATHAN: I'm sorry--what?
EMMA: There's this adorable little restaurant outside Boston that my family just loves, but I'm sure your food will be just as good.
NATHAN: What restaurant would that be?
EMMA: Oh, I don't want to tell you. You'd just be intimidated.
There was that laugh again.
I noticed Nathan wasn't laughing.
NATHAN: You know, food at a wedding is becoming...passe.
ME: Aren't you a caterer?
NATHAN: I have a lot of self-loathing.
Believe me, I know the feeling.
Unnecessary Inquiries
Hi, my name is Nathan.
RICHARD: Someone's here to see you.
I was at the office I use for my "catering" company. We don't get a lot of unexpected business, mainly because we don't advertise or solicit customers in any way.
This being Rhode Island, however, people want anything that anyone has no interest in giving them, so believe it or not, we do quite well.
Not as well as our real business, however.
Not even close.
ME: Tell him I'm busy today. He'll have to get puffed pastry somewhere else.
VOICE: Actually, I've already eaten.
I looked up to see Paul, the hostage negotiator.
We didn't interact much during the Prisms incident, but I've seen a lot of him on television lately.
ME: Richard, why don't you take a break.
RICHARD: Sounds good.
ME: And close the door on your way out.
RICHARD: Always do.
I wasn't sure what sort of meeting this was going to be, but I was sure that whatever it was, it wasn't going to be something I'd want to lead anywhere outside of this office.
ME: So, how can I help you?
PAUL: I had some questions about what happened on the parking garage.
ME: Well then, you should talk to the police. They have the report.
PAUL: Actually--
He dumped a folder on my desk.
PAUL: --I have the report. I've been assigned the case.
ME: But you're a hostage negotiator.
PAUL: And an investigator. I just transferred to Providence. Clearing up the--
ME: Everything's clear. Bart's gone. End of story. Nice of you to drop by and check on me though.
PAUL: Actually, the case is still open.
ME: Why is that?
PAUL: We have no motive.
ME: He was insane. Isn't that motive enough?
PAUL: I meant for you.
Uh oh.
ME: Excuse me?
PAUL: Why did you feel compelled to take it upon yourself to shoot him?
ME: Take it upon myself? I was saving the lives of my friends.
PAUL: I didn't know you were so friendly with Jeremy and Jackson and--
ME: We have history.
PAUL: I'll say. I watched the CBQ show.
Oh great--a fan.
ME: Despite what differences you may have seen on the show, which, by the way, were mainly fictionalized by Jeremy, I still don't want to see anybody thrown off a roof by a madman.
PAUL: And do you always carry a gun on you.
ME: Catering is a dangerous business.
PAUL: Yes, but it's not the most dangerous--or the oldest, for that matter.
What the--
PAUL: Anyway, I just wanted to pop by. Funny thing though--a catering business with no kitchens in the office?
That's because we buy all our food from a gourmet restaurant outside Boston and import it to any Rhode Island affairs.
ME: We're all about the element of surprise.
PAUL: I bet you are. I look forward to us chatting again.
He smiled and left the office.
It looks like I have one more loose end to clear up.
RICHARD: Someone's here to see you.
I was at the office I use for my "catering" company. We don't get a lot of unexpected business, mainly because we don't advertise or solicit customers in any way.
This being Rhode Island, however, people want anything that anyone has no interest in giving them, so believe it or not, we do quite well.
Not as well as our real business, however.
Not even close.
ME: Tell him I'm busy today. He'll have to get puffed pastry somewhere else.
VOICE: Actually, I've already eaten.
I looked up to see Paul, the hostage negotiator.
We didn't interact much during the Prisms incident, but I've seen a lot of him on television lately.
ME: Richard, why don't you take a break.
RICHARD: Sounds good.
ME: And close the door on your way out.
RICHARD: Always do.
I wasn't sure what sort of meeting this was going to be, but I was sure that whatever it was, it wasn't going to be something I'd want to lead anywhere outside of this office.
ME: So, how can I help you?
PAUL: I had some questions about what happened on the parking garage.
ME: Well then, you should talk to the police. They have the report.
PAUL: Actually--
He dumped a folder on my desk.
PAUL: --I have the report. I've been assigned the case.
ME: But you're a hostage negotiator.
PAUL: And an investigator. I just transferred to Providence. Clearing up the--
ME: Everything's clear. Bart's gone. End of story. Nice of you to drop by and check on me though.
PAUL: Actually, the case is still open.
ME: Why is that?
PAUL: We have no motive.
ME: He was insane. Isn't that motive enough?
PAUL: I meant for you.
Uh oh.
ME: Excuse me?
PAUL: Why did you feel compelled to take it upon yourself to shoot him?
ME: Take it upon myself? I was saving the lives of my friends.
PAUL: I didn't know you were so friendly with Jeremy and Jackson and--
ME: We have history.
PAUL: I'll say. I watched the CBQ show.
Oh great--a fan.
ME: Despite what differences you may have seen on the show, which, by the way, were mainly fictionalized by Jeremy, I still don't want to see anybody thrown off a roof by a madman.
PAUL: And do you always carry a gun on you.
ME: Catering is a dangerous business.
PAUL: Yes, but it's not the most dangerous--or the oldest, for that matter.
What the--
PAUL: Anyway, I just wanted to pop by. Funny thing though--a catering business with no kitchens in the office?
That's because we buy all our food from a gourmet restaurant outside Boston and import it to any Rhode Island affairs.
ME: We're all about the element of surprise.
PAUL: I bet you are. I look forward to us chatting again.
He smiled and left the office.
It looks like I have one more loose end to clear up.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
And One More For the Road
Hi, my name is Joey.
Knock, knock.
MORGAN: If that's another one of those queens trying to kidnap you again, I want you to punch them in the face!
KEN: But tell them I said Hi first.
My husbands now have very different ideas about the CBQ's.
Morgan has chosen to believe that I was taken against my will by the guys, because that's what I told him so he wouldn't kill me.
Ken has become a fan.
He's on Season Four of the television show.
KEN: Oh my God! Penny isn't Jason and Jim's sister?
Wait until he finds out that Nick is her brother.
Knock, knock.
When I opened the door, Ritchie was standing there with a camera crew.
I'm starting to wonder if cameras are just surgically attached to him now.
RITCHIE: Joey! What a surprise!
ME: You're at my apartment.
RITCHIE: Oh, you old so-and-so. Always the kidder.
Ritchie and the cameras pushed their way into the apartment.
They didn't have to try too hard. I am kind of a push-over after all.
MORGAN: WHAT IS THIS?
KEN: Hey Ritchie! I'm so glad you came back in Season Two.
RITCHIE: You're watching the series?
KEN: I'm obsessed!
RITCHIE: That's so sweet! And that's exactly why I'm here.
MORGAN: I'm calling the police.
RITCHIE: Please do, I could use the publicity. Hahaha no, but go ahead. Ask for Officer Kent, he knows me very, very well.
ME: What do you want, Ritchie?
Ritchie smiled that smile that lets me know I'm about to get dragged to the mall nearly unconscious while a crazy guy threatens to throw people off the roof of a parking garage.
RITCHIE: I want a reunion show.
Uh oh.
KEN: Yay!
Morgan shot me a look that let me know this was not a show I was going to be appearing on.
But Morgan's never tussled with Ritchie before.
I wonder who'll kill who first.
Knock, knock.
MORGAN: If that's another one of those queens trying to kidnap you again, I want you to punch them in the face!
KEN: But tell them I said Hi first.
My husbands now have very different ideas about the CBQ's.
Morgan has chosen to believe that I was taken against my will by the guys, because that's what I told him so he wouldn't kill me.
Ken has become a fan.
He's on Season Four of the television show.
KEN: Oh my God! Penny isn't Jason and Jim's sister?
Wait until he finds out that Nick is her brother.
Knock, knock.
When I opened the door, Ritchie was standing there with a camera crew.
I'm starting to wonder if cameras are just surgically attached to him now.
RITCHIE: Joey! What a surprise!
ME: You're at my apartment.
RITCHIE: Oh, you old so-and-so. Always the kidder.
Ritchie and the cameras pushed their way into the apartment.
They didn't have to try too hard. I am kind of a push-over after all.
MORGAN: WHAT IS THIS?
KEN: Hey Ritchie! I'm so glad you came back in Season Two.
RITCHIE: You're watching the series?
KEN: I'm obsessed!
RITCHIE: That's so sweet! And that's exactly why I'm here.
MORGAN: I'm calling the police.
RITCHIE: Please do, I could use the publicity. Hahaha no, but go ahead. Ask for Officer Kent, he knows me very, very well.
ME: What do you want, Ritchie?
Ritchie smiled that smile that lets me know I'm about to get dragged to the mall nearly unconscious while a crazy guy threatens to throw people off the roof of a parking garage.
RITCHIE: I want a reunion show.
Uh oh.
KEN: Yay!
Morgan shot me a look that let me know this was not a show I was going to be appearing on.
But Morgan's never tussled with Ritchie before.
I wonder who'll kill who first.
Monday, February 13, 2012
The One-Eyed Man
Hi, my name is Adam.
JEREMY: I don't know if I feel comfortable being out right now.
ME: How do you think I feel? I'm the actual celebrity here.
Jeremy and I went out for our last night in Providence. Since Prisms wasn't an option, we went to this new place called Grapevine.
ME: You can always tell what city you're in by how tacky the bar names are.
JEREMY: At least we didn't wind up at Oregano.
ME: Or Hangnail.
Everybody kept looking at us while we were sitting at the bar. The only way I allow that is if the person doing the staring eventually gives me his phone number.
ME: Thank God we don't live here. I couldn't take all this notoriety.
JEREMY: I thought you loved notoriety?
ME: No, I love fame. There's a difference.
JEREMY: What's the difference?
ME: It's whatever differentiates Kate Winslet from any Bravo reality star.
JEREMY: By the way, Logo called. They want us to be on the A-List Providence.
ME: REALLY?
JEREMY: No.
ME: You're cruel.
Finally, one of the starers came over.
ME: If he asks why my hair looked awful on the news, I'm going to punch him. I was in an explosion for--
GUY: I'm sorry to do this, but I am such a fan.
Fan?
He said 'fan?'
GUY: I love the CBQ's. Like, I'm obsessed with them, and to see you two guys here is just--Oh my God, I can't believe you're in Providence! This is amazing!
The guy was gushing. And I haven't seen that since Thanksgiving weekend in Brooklyn.
GUY: Can I go get my friends? They'd love to meet you guys.
I looked over to where his friends were sitting, and there wasn't a bad-looking one in the bunch.
He went off to get them, and I noticed Jeremy giving me a look.
ME: What?
JEREMY: Don't get used to this.
ME: Used to what?
JEREMY: Being the toast of the town. We're going back to New York. You can be fancy and famous there.
ME: But nobody in New York's impressed by me! I'd have to actually do something for people there to care about who I am.
JEREMY: You're a Broadway star!
ME: Yeah, and how far do you think that gets you when Boyd Gaines is sitting at the next table over?
JEREMY: Let's get one thing straight, I'm going home bright and early tomorrow morning with or without you.
ME: Oh, stop. You know I'm going with you.
...Tomorrow.
But as for tonight...
Who says I can't leave town with a bang?
JEREMY: I don't know if I feel comfortable being out right now.
ME: How do you think I feel? I'm the actual celebrity here.
Jeremy and I went out for our last night in Providence. Since Prisms wasn't an option, we went to this new place called Grapevine.
ME: You can always tell what city you're in by how tacky the bar names are.
JEREMY: At least we didn't wind up at Oregano.
ME: Or Hangnail.
Everybody kept looking at us while we were sitting at the bar. The only way I allow that is if the person doing the staring eventually gives me his phone number.
ME: Thank God we don't live here. I couldn't take all this notoriety.
JEREMY: I thought you loved notoriety?
ME: No, I love fame. There's a difference.
JEREMY: What's the difference?
ME: It's whatever differentiates Kate Winslet from any Bravo reality star.
JEREMY: By the way, Logo called. They want us to be on the A-List Providence.
ME: REALLY?
JEREMY: No.
ME: You're cruel.
Finally, one of the starers came over.
ME: If he asks why my hair looked awful on the news, I'm going to punch him. I was in an explosion for--
GUY: I'm sorry to do this, but I am such a fan.
Fan?
He said 'fan?'
GUY: I love the CBQ's. Like, I'm obsessed with them, and to see you two guys here is just--Oh my God, I can't believe you're in Providence! This is amazing!
The guy was gushing. And I haven't seen that since Thanksgiving weekend in Brooklyn.
GUY: Can I go get my friends? They'd love to meet you guys.
I looked over to where his friends were sitting, and there wasn't a bad-looking one in the bunch.
He went off to get them, and I noticed Jeremy giving me a look.
ME: What?
JEREMY: Don't get used to this.
ME: Used to what?
JEREMY: Being the toast of the town. We're going back to New York. You can be fancy and famous there.
ME: But nobody in New York's impressed by me! I'd have to actually do something for people there to care about who I am.
JEREMY: You're a Broadway star!
ME: Yeah, and how far do you think that gets you when Boyd Gaines is sitting at the next table over?
JEREMY: Let's get one thing straight, I'm going home bright and early tomorrow morning with or without you.
ME: Oh, stop. You know I'm going with you.
...Tomorrow.
But as for tonight...
Who says I can't leave town with a bang?
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Maybe We Should Switch to Baths
Hi, my name is Ben.
NATHAN: Remember when we used to have sex in the shower.
ME: Remember when we used to have sex?
Now we double up in the shower for necessity.
I wonder if it's a bad sign that the sight of my husband's naked body does absolutely nothing for me anymore.
Or is that normal?
NATHAN: When does Jeremy head home?
ME: I don't know. Why?
NATHAN: It'll just be nice not to have him hanging around.
ME: I don't see why you'd care.
NATHAN: Are you kidding?
ME: No.
NATHAN: Would you want your husband's ex-boyfriend hanging around?
ME: It's Rhode Island, Nathan. Everyone is everyone's ex-boyfriend. Even you liked Jeremy at one point.
NATHAN: That must have been back when I had a thing for men with no backbone.
Part of me was wondering if Nathan could sense what even I recently didn't realize:
That I still have residual feelings for Jeremy.
I decided to change the subject. Concern is always the best way to switch a person's focus.
ME: Are you okay?
NATHAN: Huh?
ME: Are you okay? I mean, you shot someone.
NATHAN: Oh...Yeah.
ME: So?
NATHAN: So?
ME: So...are you okay with that?
NATHAN: Why wouldn't I be? He's a maniac.
ME: But you--killed someone.
NATHAN: Actually Jackson killed someone. He pushed him. I just shot him.
How was he being so calm about this? My little caterer.
ME: I just want to make sure you're not, like, traumatized or anything.
Nathan laughed, then pushed me against the wall.
Water was coming down over his face, and he kept laughing--looking like some of sort of demonic river nymph.
Then he kissed me--hard.
NATHAN: I'm not as sensitive as you think, Ben.
He turned the shower off, and got out--shaking himself off like a dog.
Maybe I should have been comforted or turned on or whatever by this, but all I could think was--
Who the hell am I married to?
NATHAN: Remember when we used to have sex in the shower.
ME: Remember when we used to have sex?
Now we double up in the shower for necessity.
I wonder if it's a bad sign that the sight of my husband's naked body does absolutely nothing for me anymore.
Or is that normal?
NATHAN: When does Jeremy head home?
ME: I don't know. Why?
NATHAN: It'll just be nice not to have him hanging around.
ME: I don't see why you'd care.
NATHAN: Are you kidding?
ME: No.
NATHAN: Would you want your husband's ex-boyfriend hanging around?
ME: It's Rhode Island, Nathan. Everyone is everyone's ex-boyfriend. Even you liked Jeremy at one point.
NATHAN: That must have been back when I had a thing for men with no backbone.
Part of me was wondering if Nathan could sense what even I recently didn't realize:
That I still have residual feelings for Jeremy.
I decided to change the subject. Concern is always the best way to switch a person's focus.
ME: Are you okay?
NATHAN: Huh?
ME: Are you okay? I mean, you shot someone.
NATHAN: Oh...Yeah.
ME: So?
NATHAN: So?
ME: So...are you okay with that?
NATHAN: Why wouldn't I be? He's a maniac.
ME: But you--killed someone.
NATHAN: Actually Jackson killed someone. He pushed him. I just shot him.
How was he being so calm about this? My little caterer.
ME: I just want to make sure you're not, like, traumatized or anything.
Nathan laughed, then pushed me against the wall.
Water was coming down over his face, and he kept laughing--looking like some of sort of demonic river nymph.
Then he kissed me--hard.
NATHAN: I'm not as sensitive as you think, Ben.
He turned the shower off, and got out--shaking himself off like a dog.
Maybe I should have been comforted or turned on or whatever by this, but all I could think was--
Who the hell am I married to?
Saturday, February 11, 2012
A Day at City Hall
Hi, my name is Davis.
LIAM: Your approval ratings are through the roof.
ME: Because I faced down a gunman?
LIAM: You were wearing a bulletproof vest.
ME: He could have shot me in the foot.
Liam loves me. But he loves the Mayor more.
That may sound like an odd statement, but trust me, it'd make sense if you spent any time with us.
The Mayor is almost like a separate persona that I put on everyday like an old jacket that doesn't fit quite right.
Liam also loves talking about my numbers.
And right now, my numbers are great. Because--
LIAM: People love the CBQ's.
ME: There are no more CBQ's. That's over. We had a brief reunion to thwart Bart, and now that's done with, and we can all get on with our lives.
LIAM: Your talk with Jeremy didn't go well?
ME: He doesn't want to stay.
LIAM: Did you try promising him things? Money? A house? Sex?
ME: Liam!
LIAM: Not with you! ...Necessarily.
This is why we get along, because we're both ambitious.
LIAM: By the way, you have a meeting.
ME: With who?
LIAM: The hostage negotiator.
Oh damn.
ME: Uh, I'm busy.
LIAM: What do you mean you're busy?
ME: I'm--Why does he want to see me?
LIAM: He doesn't. Or he didn't. I arranged the meeting.
ME: Why would you do that?
LIAM: Because you need to thank him for all his help.
ME: He let me go into a building where I proceeded to get shot at.
LIAM: It was a risky call, but it paid off.
ME: I don't want to see him.
LIAM: Davis, just thank him for his service, and that'll be it. I'm sending him in. Be nice.
I've already been too nice. That's the problem.
Liam walked out, and then Paul walked in looking quite professional.
It made me want to take him right there on my desk.
PAUL: Hello Mr. Mayor.
ME: Hi. Uh, thank you for, you know, your service.
PAUL: Is that a pun?
ME: No. Well, I guess it is, but it wasn't meant to be.
PAUL: Don't worry, Davis. I don't plan on telling anybody about our...you know.
ME: Thank you.
PAUL: But I don't appreciate being made to feel like a homewrecker.
ME: Trust me, it's not much of a home.
PAUL: Even so.
ME: I'm sorry.
PAUL: It's fine.
ME: And, honestly, thank you for all your help. You probably saved at least one of our lives.
PAUL: It's what I do.
ME: Still.
PAUL: Well, to be honest, it was a kind of a thrill. I'm a huge CBQ fan.
With that, he left.
And he left me thinking.
Just how many fans are left out there?
And how much higher could my numbers get?
LIAM: Your approval ratings are through the roof.
ME: Because I faced down a gunman?
LIAM: You were wearing a bulletproof vest.
ME: He could have shot me in the foot.
Liam loves me. But he loves the Mayor more.
That may sound like an odd statement, but trust me, it'd make sense if you spent any time with us.
The Mayor is almost like a separate persona that I put on everyday like an old jacket that doesn't fit quite right.
Liam also loves talking about my numbers.
And right now, my numbers are great. Because--
LIAM: People love the CBQ's.
ME: There are no more CBQ's. That's over. We had a brief reunion to thwart Bart, and now that's done with, and we can all get on with our lives.
LIAM: Your talk with Jeremy didn't go well?
ME: He doesn't want to stay.
LIAM: Did you try promising him things? Money? A house? Sex?
ME: Liam!
LIAM: Not with you! ...Necessarily.
This is why we get along, because we're both ambitious.
LIAM: By the way, you have a meeting.
ME: With who?
LIAM: The hostage negotiator.
Oh damn.
ME: Uh, I'm busy.
LIAM: What do you mean you're busy?
ME: I'm--Why does he want to see me?
LIAM: He doesn't. Or he didn't. I arranged the meeting.
ME: Why would you do that?
LIAM: Because you need to thank him for all his help.
ME: He let me go into a building where I proceeded to get shot at.
LIAM: It was a risky call, but it paid off.
ME: I don't want to see him.
LIAM: Davis, just thank him for his service, and that'll be it. I'm sending him in. Be nice.
I've already been too nice. That's the problem.
Liam walked out, and then Paul walked in looking quite professional.
It made me want to take him right there on my desk.
PAUL: Hello Mr. Mayor.
ME: Hi. Uh, thank you for, you know, your service.
PAUL: Is that a pun?
ME: No. Well, I guess it is, but it wasn't meant to be.
PAUL: Don't worry, Davis. I don't plan on telling anybody about our...you know.
ME: Thank you.
PAUL: But I don't appreciate being made to feel like a homewrecker.
ME: Trust me, it's not much of a home.
PAUL: Even so.
ME: I'm sorry.
PAUL: It's fine.
ME: And, honestly, thank you for all your help. You probably saved at least one of our lives.
PAUL: It's what I do.
ME: Still.
PAUL: Well, to be honest, it was a kind of a thrill. I'm a huge CBQ fan.
With that, he left.
And he left me thinking.
Just how many fans are left out there?
And how much higher could my numbers get?
Sit Close to the Front
Hi, my name is Jeremy.
ADAM: I can't believe you made me come to this.
ME: As soon as we're done, we can catch the next train back to New York.
ADAM: The train? What do you think I am--a butcher's son?
We were at Bart's funeral.
As you can imagine, the crowd was...small.
Nobody wanted to go, but I decided that even though Bart had tried to kill all of us, we should at least pay respects to a person that we were all friends with before he went crazy and blew up Prisms.
JACKSON: Couldn't they have just cremated him and thrown his ashes in the river? At least that way we could have done this while having brunch at Waterplace.
PAIGE: I don't understand what made him snap like that.
ADAM: Your brother's book. That's what made him snap.
ME: That's not true.
JACKSON: Actually it is, he left a note.
The note wasn't exactly what I would call coherent, but it did squarely lay the blame on me for making Bart look bad to the entire country.
HANK: It was probably because you had Rory Culkin play him on the tv show.
ME: Hey! I didn't cast the show! I just sold the rights.
DAVIS: I'm happy with the show.
BEN: Of course you are, Paul Walker plays you. What do you have to complain about?
DAVIS: He could hit the gym a little bit more, but other than that...
Billy was skipping the funeral. He was out of the hospital, but his obligation to the CBQ's was officially over now that everybody was safe and sound.
Nathan also decided to stay home, but that's probably because he'd been getting all the attention as the guy who shot Bart, and I don't think he was handling it all that well.
RITCHIE: I still can't believe you didn't let me bring a camera crew to film this. We would have had exclusive rights. And this is February! We're dealing with sweeps here.
JOEY: I can't believe somebody I dated is dead.
LIAM: Maybe you're what planted the seed of insanity.
JOEY: No, we had a very normal sex life.
LIAM: I was--
HANK: Don't bother. It's pointless.
Davis tapped me on the shoulder, and motioned for me to go to the back of the church with him.
DAVIS: I have a proposition for you.
ME: Davis, I know sex in a church is on your bucket list, but I really don't think this is the time.
DAVIS: First off, I'm insulted--
ME: Really?
DAVIS: --That you think I still had that on my bucket list after five years. Now I just need to have sex in an Islamic temple.
ME: Moving on.
DAVIS: I think you should stay.
ME: Stay where?
DAVIS: Here. Rhode Island. Providence.
ME: You're not serious.
DAVIS: Fine, I'll settle for Warwick, but I can't say I'll visit you as much.
I had a feeling someone was going to ask me to stay. Rhode Island is like the Bermuda Triangle. Nobody knows how you wind up there, but once you're there, decades pass and sharks have wings and I really don't know where this was going...
ME: Davis, I have a life back in New York.
DAVIS: You live upstate! That's not living in New York. That's living in Vermont without the yaks.
ME: There aren't any yaks in--never mind. And I do have a life there. I have friends. I have a career.
DAVIS: You're a writer. You can write anywhere. Plus, don't you need more material?
ME: I'm actually working on a piece of fiction.
DAVIS: How does your editor feel about that?
Not great. She'd probably be thrilled if I moved back to Providence. The publicity alone would get me Barnes and Noble bookings for a year.
ME: She loves it. Everyone's excited to see me moving away from what I usually do. No more writing about the CBQ's.
DAVIS: But that's what you do best.
ME: Believe it or not, I'm a lot more talented than most of you gave me credit for.
DAVIS: Man, you really hate us, don't you?
ME: Of course I don't hate you! Is that what you've been thinking all these years?
DAVIS: What else would we think? You disappeared for five years!
ME: You know why I took off, Davis. Don't play dumb.
And don't think you all get the story just because I'm narrating right now. Some things stay private even from you.
DAVIS: You could have at least called or something.
ME: So we could chat about how you suddenly developed an interest in politics?
DAVIS: Well, I had to shake that manwhore image you put on me.
ME: I put that on you? I just told the truth.
DAVIS: And what about your truth, Jeremy? Did you tell your truth?
Davis and I have had our fights over the years. There were times when we were at each other's throats.
But I have never heard him sound so cold.
ME: I'm leaving tonight. Nothing's going to change that.
DAVIS: You know what? Maybe that's for the best after all. The longer you stay here, the more damage you can do.
He walked away from me not even having touched me, but...
It felt like he slapped me.
Like he slapped me right across the face.
ADAM: I can't believe you made me come to this.
ME: As soon as we're done, we can catch the next train back to New York.
ADAM: The train? What do you think I am--a butcher's son?
We were at Bart's funeral.
As you can imagine, the crowd was...small.
Nobody wanted to go, but I decided that even though Bart had tried to kill all of us, we should at least pay respects to a person that we were all friends with before he went crazy and blew up Prisms.
JACKSON: Couldn't they have just cremated him and thrown his ashes in the river? At least that way we could have done this while having brunch at Waterplace.
PAIGE: I don't understand what made him snap like that.
ADAM: Your brother's book. That's what made him snap.
ME: That's not true.
JACKSON: Actually it is, he left a note.
The note wasn't exactly what I would call coherent, but it did squarely lay the blame on me for making Bart look bad to the entire country.
HANK: It was probably because you had Rory Culkin play him on the tv show.
ME: Hey! I didn't cast the show! I just sold the rights.
DAVIS: I'm happy with the show.
BEN: Of course you are, Paul Walker plays you. What do you have to complain about?
DAVIS: He could hit the gym a little bit more, but other than that...
Billy was skipping the funeral. He was out of the hospital, but his obligation to the CBQ's was officially over now that everybody was safe and sound.
Nathan also decided to stay home, but that's probably because he'd been getting all the attention as the guy who shot Bart, and I don't think he was handling it all that well.
RITCHIE: I still can't believe you didn't let me bring a camera crew to film this. We would have had exclusive rights. And this is February! We're dealing with sweeps here.
JOEY: I can't believe somebody I dated is dead.
LIAM: Maybe you're what planted the seed of insanity.
JOEY: No, we had a very normal sex life.
LIAM: I was--
HANK: Don't bother. It's pointless.
Davis tapped me on the shoulder, and motioned for me to go to the back of the church with him.
DAVIS: I have a proposition for you.
ME: Davis, I know sex in a church is on your bucket list, but I really don't think this is the time.
DAVIS: First off, I'm insulted--
ME: Really?
DAVIS: --That you think I still had that on my bucket list after five years. Now I just need to have sex in an Islamic temple.
ME: Moving on.
DAVIS: I think you should stay.
ME: Stay where?
DAVIS: Here. Rhode Island. Providence.
ME: You're not serious.
DAVIS: Fine, I'll settle for Warwick, but I can't say I'll visit you as much.
I had a feeling someone was going to ask me to stay. Rhode Island is like the Bermuda Triangle. Nobody knows how you wind up there, but once you're there, decades pass and sharks have wings and I really don't know where this was going...
ME: Davis, I have a life back in New York.
DAVIS: You live upstate! That's not living in New York. That's living in Vermont without the yaks.
ME: There aren't any yaks in--never mind. And I do have a life there. I have friends. I have a career.
DAVIS: You're a writer. You can write anywhere. Plus, don't you need more material?
ME: I'm actually working on a piece of fiction.
DAVIS: How does your editor feel about that?
Not great. She'd probably be thrilled if I moved back to Providence. The publicity alone would get me Barnes and Noble bookings for a year.
ME: She loves it. Everyone's excited to see me moving away from what I usually do. No more writing about the CBQ's.
DAVIS: But that's what you do best.
ME: Believe it or not, I'm a lot more talented than most of you gave me credit for.
DAVIS: Man, you really hate us, don't you?
ME: Of course I don't hate you! Is that what you've been thinking all these years?
DAVIS: What else would we think? You disappeared for five years!
ME: You know why I took off, Davis. Don't play dumb.
And don't think you all get the story just because I'm narrating right now. Some things stay private even from you.
DAVIS: You could have at least called or something.
ME: So we could chat about how you suddenly developed an interest in politics?
DAVIS: Well, I had to shake that manwhore image you put on me.
ME: I put that on you? I just told the truth.
DAVIS: And what about your truth, Jeremy? Did you tell your truth?
Davis and I have had our fights over the years. There were times when we were at each other's throats.
But I have never heard him sound so cold.
ME: I'm leaving tonight. Nothing's going to change that.
DAVIS: You know what? Maybe that's for the best after all. The longer you stay here, the more damage you can do.
He walked away from me not even having touched me, but...
It felt like he slapped me.
Like he slapped me right across the face.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
That Extra Push
Hi, my name is Jackson.
JEREMY: Bart, you're sick. You need help.
BART: What I need is residuals.
It was very clear that somebody was going over the edge of this parking garage. The question was---who?
PAIGE: The mall is probably surrounded.
BART: So you think I won't make it out of the thousand entrances they have here? The Providence Police Force is only so big. Worse comes to worse, I'll hide out in one of the bathrooms in an air vent or something until they call off the hounds.
As crazy as he sounds, I was thinking it might actually work.
That was when I saw Nathan inside the mall pointing a gun at Bart.
I wasn't all that inspired, since Jeremy told me Nathan tried shooting Bart once already and he ended up shooting Davis instead.
Without him noticing, I tried to push Jeremy and Paige away from Bart so Nathan would at least have a clear path.
BART: Now, which one of you wants to go first?
That was when the shot rang out.
BART: Ahhh!
But I could see it only hit him in the shoulder.
That wasn't going to be enough.
JEREMY: Jackson, no!
But I had to do it.
So I shoved my whole body into him, and off he went.
I pushed Bart over the edge.
JEREMY: Bart, you're sick. You need help.
BART: What I need is residuals.
It was very clear that somebody was going over the edge of this parking garage. The question was---who?
PAIGE: The mall is probably surrounded.
BART: So you think I won't make it out of the thousand entrances they have here? The Providence Police Force is only so big. Worse comes to worse, I'll hide out in one of the bathrooms in an air vent or something until they call off the hounds.
As crazy as he sounds, I was thinking it might actually work.
That was when I saw Nathan inside the mall pointing a gun at Bart.
I wasn't all that inspired, since Jeremy told me Nathan tried shooting Bart once already and he ended up shooting Davis instead.
Without him noticing, I tried to push Jeremy and Paige away from Bart so Nathan would at least have a clear path.
BART: Now, which one of you wants to go first?
That was when the shot rang out.
BART: Ahhh!
But I could see it only hit him in the shoulder.
That wasn't going to be enough.
JEREMY: Jackson, no!
But I had to do it.
So I shoved my whole body into him, and off he went.
I pushed Bart over the edge.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Before a House Falls on You
Hi, my name is Hank.
ME: Did somebody seriously push Bart off the roof?
LIAM: Looks like the city won't be spending any money on a trial.
BEN: Yeah, so it's totally worth somebody becoming a human sidewalk stain.
KEN: He tried to kill us.
ME: Even Ken understands the divine karma of this moment, Ben
BEN: It's just a little traumatic.
We were all sitting around Cheesecake Factory with blankets around us--as if tragedy somehow makes you colder.
Jeremy, Jackson, Nathan, and Paige all came down to give statements.
Ritchie was interviewing people, while Joey was being loaded into an ambulance with a concussion.
ME: Maybe when they x-ray him they'll find traces of a brain.
I was sitting next to Ben, and I could see him looking at Jeremy with that old twinkle in his eye.
ME: Don't even think about it.
BEN: What?
ME: Jackson and Paige are safe. Jeremy's probably going to take off again.
BEN: You don't know that.
ME: Why would he stay?
BEN: I'm sure people are going to have questions about Bart's death.
ME: He got out of prison, did a lot of messed up shit, and Nathan shot him. End of story.
BEN: Maybe it's more complicated than that.
I hate to say this, but Ben was right.
It was way more complicated than that.
We just didn't know it at the time.
ME: Did somebody seriously push Bart off the roof?
LIAM: Looks like the city won't be spending any money on a trial.
BEN: Yeah, so it's totally worth somebody becoming a human sidewalk stain.
KEN: He tried to kill us.
ME: Even Ken understands the divine karma of this moment, Ben
BEN: It's just a little traumatic.
We were all sitting around Cheesecake Factory with blankets around us--as if tragedy somehow makes you colder.
Jeremy, Jackson, Nathan, and Paige all came down to give statements.
Ritchie was interviewing people, while Joey was being loaded into an ambulance with a concussion.
ME: Maybe when they x-ray him they'll find traces of a brain.
I was sitting next to Ben, and I could see him looking at Jeremy with that old twinkle in his eye.
ME: Don't even think about it.
BEN: What?
ME: Jackson and Paige are safe. Jeremy's probably going to take off again.
BEN: You don't know that.
ME: Why would he stay?
BEN: I'm sure people are going to have questions about Bart's death.
ME: He got out of prison, did a lot of messed up shit, and Nathan shot him. End of story.
BEN: Maybe it's more complicated than that.
I hate to say this, but Ben was right.
It was way more complicated than that.
We just didn't know it at the time.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Keep Filming
Hi, my name is Ritchie.
JOEY: I think I'm hallucinating.
ME: What do you see?
JOEY: A giant Samurai horse.
ME: You're fine. That's just PF Chang's.
I managed to drag an almost lifeless Joey all the way to the mall.
In retrospect, I should have brought him to a hospital, but I needed someone to hold the camera.
People were being held outside the mall for safety's sake, but I've learned ways around constraints like these.
JOEY: You're going to sneak in through the parking garage, aren't you?
ME: No! The Westin. It'll be faster.
We made it to the bridge between the Westin and the mall, and up to the roof the parking garage in record time--mostly because I carried Joey on my back.
ME: Okay, get ready to film.
Good thing the camera was on.
We got there just in time to see Nathan shoot the gunman.
JOEY: Bart?
But there wasn't much time to catch up.
As soon as Nathan shot Bart, he went right over the edge of the roof.
JOEY: I think I'm hallucinating.
ME: What do you see?
JOEY: A giant Samurai horse.
ME: You're fine. That's just PF Chang's.
I managed to drag an almost lifeless Joey all the way to the mall.
In retrospect, I should have brought him to a hospital, but I needed someone to hold the camera.
People were being held outside the mall for safety's sake, but I've learned ways around constraints like these.
JOEY: You're going to sneak in through the parking garage, aren't you?
ME: No! The Westin. It'll be faster.
We made it to the bridge between the Westin and the mall, and up to the roof the parking garage in record time--mostly because I carried Joey on my back.
ME: Okay, get ready to film.
Good thing the camera was on.
We got there just in time to see Nathan shoot the gunman.
JOEY: Bart?
But there wasn't much time to catch up.
As soon as Nathan shot Bart, he went right over the edge of the roof.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Can I Fake Amnesia?
Hi, my name is Billy.
VOICE: I need to see my fiance!
This is not going to help the healing process.
EMMA: Billy, thank God!
I'd only been in the emergency room for half an hour before Emma burst in. I forgot that I listed her as a contact. Tom, her brother, was with her.
EMMA: What's going on?
TOM: The doctor said you got shot.
EMMA: Does his have anything to do with your friends from Jesus camp?
ME: Emma, I--
EMMA: Mom's back at the house just panicking over this. I didn't know what to tell her.
ME: You didn't let her turn on a tv, did you?
EMMA: No, why?
That's when the tv above the nurses' station cut away from its programming and the Breaking News logo flashed across the screen.
ME: Oh boy...
TOM: Is that the mall?
ANNOUNCER: Three hostages are being held at gunpoint on the roof of the mall parking garage. Earlier this evening, the Mayor along with several gay men were involved in an altercation at the gay nightclub Prisms downtown.
Gay gay gay...say it one more time, why don't you?
ANNOUNCER: One of the gay men shot was Billy--
Emma gasped. Tom just looked at the floor.
ANNOUNCER: --the inspiration for the hit blog-turned-book-turned-television show Catty Bitchy Queens.
That was when Tom looked up.
TOM: You're a CBQ?
I started to say something, but Emma slapped me.
EMMA: I am not speaking to you until our wedding!
Then, she stormed out of the room.
I was beginning to wish the bullet had gone into my face.
VOICE: I need to see my fiance!
This is not going to help the healing process.
EMMA: Billy, thank God!
I'd only been in the emergency room for half an hour before Emma burst in. I forgot that I listed her as a contact. Tom, her brother, was with her.
EMMA: What's going on?
TOM: The doctor said you got shot.
EMMA: Does his have anything to do with your friends from Jesus camp?
ME: Emma, I--
EMMA: Mom's back at the house just panicking over this. I didn't know what to tell her.
ME: You didn't let her turn on a tv, did you?
EMMA: No, why?
That's when the tv above the nurses' station cut away from its programming and the Breaking News logo flashed across the screen.
ME: Oh boy...
TOM: Is that the mall?
ANNOUNCER: Three hostages are being held at gunpoint on the roof of the mall parking garage. Earlier this evening, the Mayor along with several gay men were involved in an altercation at the gay nightclub Prisms downtown.
Gay gay gay...say it one more time, why don't you?
ANNOUNCER: One of the gay men shot was Billy--
Emma gasped. Tom just looked at the floor.
ANNOUNCER: --the inspiration for the hit blog-turned-book-turned-television show Catty Bitchy Queens.
That was when Tom looked up.
TOM: You're a CBQ?
I started to say something, but Emma slapped me.
EMMA: I am not speaking to you until our wedding!
Then, she stormed out of the room.
I was beginning to wish the bullet had gone into my face.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Unfinished Business
Hi, my name is Nathan.
And this is something you should know about me:
I take care of business.
Unfinished business makes me very, very unhappy.
That's how I wound up at the mall, heading to the roof of the parking garage, ready to put a bullet in a masked gunman.
Believe it or not, I've done worse.
When I get to the roof, I wait inside until I can find a good moment to rush the guy.
Luckily, his back is to me, and I can see Jackson, Jeremy, and Paige standing around him looking stunned.
Then I see why.
ME: Bart?
Bart's the gunman?
ME: Shit.
That complicates things.
I could tell you why, but then I'd have to kill you.
Either way, I couldn't take the chance of Bart telling people about my little side career.
That meant he had to go down.
I pushed open the door, and screamed out--
ME: BART!
He turned around.
I closed my eyes.
And fired.
And this is something you should know about me:
I take care of business.
Unfinished business makes me very, very unhappy.
That's how I wound up at the mall, heading to the roof of the parking garage, ready to put a bullet in a masked gunman.
Believe it or not, I've done worse.
When I get to the roof, I wait inside until I can find a good moment to rush the guy.
Luckily, his back is to me, and I can see Jackson, Jeremy, and Paige standing around him looking stunned.
Then I see why.
ME: Bart?
Bart's the gunman?
ME: Shit.
That complicates things.
I could tell you why, but then I'd have to kill you.
Either way, I couldn't take the chance of Bart telling people about my little side career.
That meant he had to go down.
I pushed open the door, and screamed out--
ME: BART!
He turned around.
I closed my eyes.
And fired.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
No Time for Concussions
Hi, my name is Joey.
VOICE: Joey! Wake up!
If I'm dead, and I still have to listen to Ritchie talk, then Heaven is a cruel, cold place.
VOICE: WAKE UP!
That was when I felt him slap me across the face.
ME: AH!
We were surrounded by a pile of what I guess used to be Prisms.
ME: Why aren't we dead?
RITCHIE: That giant cardboard cut-out of Cher shielded us.
ME: Wow. Now I feel bad for making all those Silkwood comments.
Ritchie was playing around with his camera.
I guess you can blow up with club with the reporter in it, but you can't blow up the--
RITCHIE: YES! It's still working.
ME: Shouldn't we find the guys? Or police? Or someone who can tell me why I have double vision?
RITCHIE: No time. We have to find the gunman.
ME: Ritchie--
RITCHIE: Joey, journalism waits for no one. This could be my Emmy.
ME: Don't you have an Emmy.
RITCHIE: A Daytime Emmy, but that's not a real Emmy. They might as well make it out of gummy bears.
ME: That sounds nice.
RITCHIE: Focus! We need to think about where he could be headed.
ME: The mall?
RITCHIE: Don't be an idiot. Why would he go to the mall?
ME: Because of that spotlight hitting the top of the parking garage?
I pointed to what I was talking about. Ritchie turned around, and there it was. The police spotlight aimed at the mall.
RITCHIE: We can make it there in ten minutes if we run.
ME: I think my leg's broken.
RITCHIE: Eight minutes if we run fast. Let's go.
And he was off and running.
I had to go with him.
Not because I cared about what was going on with the gunman, but because he picked me up and threw me over his shoulders.
I have to admit, it was kind of chivalrous.
At least, that was what I thought right before I passed out.
VOICE: Joey! Wake up!
If I'm dead, and I still have to listen to Ritchie talk, then Heaven is a cruel, cold place.
VOICE: WAKE UP!
That was when I felt him slap me across the face.
ME: AH!
We were surrounded by a pile of what I guess used to be Prisms.
ME: Why aren't we dead?
RITCHIE: That giant cardboard cut-out of Cher shielded us.
ME: Wow. Now I feel bad for making all those Silkwood comments.
Ritchie was playing around with his camera.
I guess you can blow up with club with the reporter in it, but you can't blow up the--
RITCHIE: YES! It's still working.
ME: Shouldn't we find the guys? Or police? Or someone who can tell me why I have double vision?
RITCHIE: No time. We have to find the gunman.
ME: Ritchie--
RITCHIE: Joey, journalism waits for no one. This could be my Emmy.
ME: Don't you have an Emmy.
RITCHIE: A Daytime Emmy, but that's not a real Emmy. They might as well make it out of gummy bears.
ME: That sounds nice.
RITCHIE: Focus! We need to think about where he could be headed.
ME: The mall?
RITCHIE: Don't be an idiot. Why would he go to the mall?
ME: Because of that spotlight hitting the top of the parking garage?
I pointed to what I was talking about. Ritchie turned around, and there it was. The police spotlight aimed at the mall.
RITCHIE: We can make it there in ten minutes if we run.
ME: I think my leg's broken.
RITCHIE: Eight minutes if we run fast. Let's go.
And he was off and running.
I had to go with him.
Not because I cared about what was going on with the gunman, but because he picked me up and threw me over his shoulders.
I have to admit, it was kind of chivalrous.
At least, that was what I thought right before I passed out.
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