Persona Non Grata

Hi, my name is Adam.

ELI: I'm sorry--have we met?

Welcome to the Zombie Party.

ME: Actually, I think--
ELI: Never mind. I'm not drunk enough to care.

In honor of Eli coming back from the dead--along with Joey's resurrection--Jackson decided to throw a zombie party.

JACKSON: Adam!
ME: Hey Jackson.
JACKSON: Uh...what are you doing here?
ME: Um, I'm here for the party. Paige invited me.
JACKSON: Did she now? Oh Paige!

Everyone was shooting me looks at the party. Maybe they knew about my fling with Carter.

Oh well, I wasn't going to let it spoil my good time. Who were they to judge? They'd all hooked up with Carter too.

NATHAN: Well, well, well.

Okay, maybe not all of them.

NATHAN: If it isn't the newly christened OSC skank.
ME: Excuse me?
NATHAN: First you sleep with me, then Joey, then Carter--

Hmm, maybe I had forgotten about the math.

NATHAN: Not the way to put your best foot forward, Adam.
ME: You're right. I should have just faked a disability.
NATHAN: Do you realize who you're talking to?
ME: Clearly someone a LOT older than me.

I felt someone's hand on my shoulder.

JEREMY: Adam?

Oh good--one of the friendlier CBQ's.

JEREMY: Why don't you leave?

WHAT?!?!

ME: Why?
JEREMY: Look, this isn't the best group of people to involve yourself with, okay?
ME: Then why are you involved with them?

Pause.

JEREMY: Because I don't get cable, and this is the next best thing.
ME: Fine. I never really wanted to go to this stupid party anyway.
JEREMY: That's for the best.
ME: Please can't I just stay until someone makes out with me?
JEREMY: Good-bye Adam.

I ran into Paige in the hallway.

PAIGE: Hey, where are you going?
ME: Nobody wants me here, Paige.
PAIGE: I want you here.
ME: You don't count.
PAIGE: Gee, thanks.

That was when the elevator doors opened to reveal Hank--

HANK: Get a doctor.

--holding an unconscious Davis in his arms.

HANK: Didn't you hear me? Call 9-1-1!

The door to the apartment opened, and all the boys came rushing out.

JEREMY: Davis!
NATHAN: What happened?
BILLY: Is he alright?
JOEY: Hank, what--
RITCHIE: I'm calling an ambulance now.
ELI: Is he breathing?
CARTER: Did his boyfriend do this?
BEN: Oh God, this is bad.
JACKSON: Put him in the apartment.

This party might be worth fighting for after all.

The Nasty Break

Hi, my name is Hank.

DAVIS: I have a proposition for you.
ME: Does it involve a noose and a shaky chair?

Ever since I found out that my ex-boyfriend's mother fixed me up with a male escort, I've been feeling a little low.

So when Davis asked me to meet him at his apartment and wear something nice; I figured my luck was over. Everybody wants to shack up with John Davis, and a little fling would be just what I needed to bump my spirits.

DAVIS: I want you to seduce my boyfriend.

So much for bumping--of any kind.

ME: I'm leaving.
DAVIS: Hear me out!

I should have known I wasn't going to have sex when Davis answered the door in a button-down. That many buttons indicates no desire to get naked quickly.

DAVIS: Hank, my boyfriend is a rich, powerful, and handsome guy.
ME: Then why do you want me to sleep with him?
DAVIS: Because I'm scared he's going to smother me in my sleep.
ME: Annnnd we're done.
DAVIS: Look, let's break this down. You're single. You're depressed. You have no goals.
ME: About that noose--
DAVIS: Travis and you would be a good fit. You wouldn't get him angry like I do.
ME: What do you mean?
DAVIS: Well, for one thing, you wouldn't want to sleep with other people and you don't need to see natural light every day.

The door opened and the man of the hour appeared.

TRAVIS: Are we having a party?
DAVIS: No, but I did want you to meet my friend, Hank.
TRAVIS: Nice to meet you, Hank.
ME: Ditto. I was just leaving.
TRAVIS: I think that's a good idea.
DAVIS: Travis, Hank is a great guy. You should get to know him.
TRAVIS: Why would I want to get to know my ex-boyfriend's friend?

Silence.

DAVIS: Beg your pardon?
TRAVIS: I did some digging today, Davis, and I found out some things that are...discomforting to me.
DAVIS: Such as?

Things that Davis has done that a boyfriend wouldn't like to know about?

That would be one long list.

TRAVIS: Instigating orgies for personal gain, derailing an entire gay organization, sleeping with everyone and anyone--
ME: Sounds like you, Davis.
DAVIS: How do you know about all this?
TRAVIS: That Wilde Blog.

Oh boy.

TRAVIS: It's a damn good read.

I started to inch towards the door.

TRAVIS: You made a fool out of me.
DAVIS: You knew what you were getting into when we started dating.
TRAVIS: I know that I just swam in a dirty pool--and now I have to clean myself off.
ME: I'm a little lost with that metaphor.
TRAVIS: I'm going to give you some time to disappear, Davis.
DAVIS: I'm not going anywhere. This is my town.
TRAVIS: You can either walk away--or run. It's up to you.

Davis stepped up to Travis. I'm not sure he even realized I was in the room.

DAVIS: Fuck you, Travis. I wish I'd fucked everyone and anyone on your expensive fucking sheets.

Travis hauled off, and knocked Davis out.

I immediately knelt down to see if he was totally unconscious.

Travis stood over me.

TRAVIS: Get him out of here.

I picked up Davis, and slung him over my shoulder.

TRAVIS: Oh, and when he wakes up--

He smiled.

TRAVIS: Tell him he's a dead man.

That was when I ran.

Movie Night

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ADAM: Hey Ritchie, how are you?
ME: I'm dandy. Can I help you?
ADAM: I thought maybe we could have a movie night.

Adam has stopped by to try and get in my pants.

I can tell just by the movies he brought over to "watch."

ME: Bridge on the River Kwai? You have no intention of watching that.
ADAM: Are you kidding? I love war--and Kwai.

This is where I let him down--hard.

ME: You do know that I know you slept with Carter, right?
ADAM: Uh, how do you know that?
ME: Because he told everybody.
ADAM: Are you kidding?
ME: Nooo. Not only was it his Facebook status, but today it wound up on Wilde Blog.

WILDE BLOG!!!

THE NEW KID IN TOWN HAS ALREADY SLEPT WITH THE TOWN SLUT.

THAT'S RIGHT. ADAM'S LOST HIS SHEEN.

SOMEBODY FIND A VIOLIN TO PLAY

So sad, so sad.

ADAM: So, does this mean we can't sleep together?
ME: You got it.
ADAM: But you slept with Carter!
ME: But your appeal was that you hadn't. It's like the Wilde Blog said. Once someone sleeps with Carter, they become just another gay slut. He's like the apple in the garden of Eden. You've fallen from grace, Adam.
ADAM: But that's not fair!
ME: Welcome to Hypocrites and Homos. The world's a frustrating place.

I shut the door on him.

Joey popped his head out of his room.

JOEY: Is he gone?
ME: Yes, and you can come out now.

He's been avoiding Adam since Joey decided he was bored with their fling-ing.

...Which is good news for me.

ME: So you want to watch a movie?
JOEY: Sure. What do you want to watch?
ME: How about All Quiet on the Western Front?
JOEY: Um...okay. I'll change into my pajamas.
ME: Sounds good.

Hey, what do you know?

I like a little combat too.

All the Little Secrets

Hi, my name is Billy.

ME: Ready to go to the movie?
JEREMY: Nathan can walk.
ME: Maybe we can catch the late show.

I stopped by Ben and Nathan's to grab Jeremy for our movie. When I got there, Ben opened the door looking angrier than I've ever seen him, and Nathan was nowhere to be found.

Ben and Jeremy filled me in on what was happening.

ME: He's been faking it this whole time?
BEN: I guess he had some paralysis after the accident, but once it went away, he kept right on pretending to keep me feeling guilty.
ME: Wow, and I thought you were the asshole in the relationship.
JEREMY: He still is! He still tried to hit on you.
BEN: I only did that because I wanted to be with you.

Silence.

JEREMY: What?
BEN: That was the reason I drove my car off the road. I told Nathan I wanted to come back to Rhode Island this summer so I could win you back, and he grabbed the steering wheel and--
ME: So why did you hit on me?
BEN: I figured if I could break you two up, it would be a lot easier for me to get back together with Jeremy.
JEREMY: That's insane!
BEN: I still think it could have worked.

So he didn't even want me. It was all a plan.

Jeremy looked mad, but...I could see there was something else there.

He was flattered.

His voice instantly softened.

JEREMY: Ben, why didn't you just tell me you still had feelings for me?
ME: Would it have mattered?
JEREMY: What? No. Of course not. But it would have been better than going through all this.
BEN: I'm sorry.
ME: Wow, that's a first.
JEREMY: Let's just stop, okay?
ME: Where's Nathan?
BEN: He walked out on us as soon as we started confronting him.

Knock, knock.

JEREMY: That must be him.
BEN: Look, I know I messed up, but I promise--that's the last of the secrets, okay?

He opened the door--and there was Eli.

BEN: Okay, maybe not the LAST of the secrets...

So much for the movie.

Walk Like a Man

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JEREMY: I don't get it, Nathan.

Progress is not my friend.

JEREMY: I thought we'd see more results by now.

Jeremy has been helping me with my physical therapy for a few weeks now, but we weren't getting anywhere. This is partly because I don't need physical therapy. I can walk just fine, but I don't need anybody to know that.

I figure once I'm ready, I can start to show signs of improvement.

Until then, I have Jeremy developing a serious Florence Nightingale complex, Ben is still under my thumb, and I just joined a wheelchair basketball league.

Life is good.

ME: Jeremy, don't worry about it. The doctors said it could take time before I can walk again.

I never actually saw a doctor, but I'm assuming that's what one would say to me if I was actually disabled.

JEREMY: Well, in the meantime, I'll just keep working with you.
ME: You're so sweet.

He was still next to me on the mat in my bedroom, so I leaned over and--

JEREMY: Whoa, what are you doing?
ME: I'm sorry.
JEREMY: Nathan, I'm with Billy.

Stupid Billy. If Ben had just seduced him like he was supposed to, I'd be with Jeremy right now.

ME: I know, it's just...I get so lonely.
JEREMY: But you have Ben.
ME: Oh, come on, Jeremy. I know Ben tried to sleep with Billy. I know that's why you two aren't talking.

I actually encouraged Ben's plan, but when it failed, I told him that if he tried dragging me down with him, I'd tell everyone that he was driving the car that technically should have put me in a wheelchair...but didn't.

JEREMY: Why don't you break up with him then?
ME: And be by myself? I wouldn't make it.
JEREMY: Sure you would. You're stronger than you think.
ME: Jeremy, please, I'm depressed enough as it is.

I got up into my chair hoping my pity party worked.

JEREMY: I'm sorry. I know it must be hard. But just know that you'll never be alone. I'll always be here.

That was when the fire alarm went off.

I jumped up out of the chair, grabbed Jeremy, and ran into the living room...

VOICE: Oh my God!

...And right into Ben.

BEN: I was going to tell you guys that I burnt dinner.

I turned around and looked at Jeremy. He was horrified.

Ben didn't look too thrilled either.

BEN: So I guess that therapy's working wonders, huh?

Well, what do you know?

A miracle.

That Old Mistake

Hi, my name is Carter.

ADAM: This was a mistake.
ME: It always is.

I just hooked up with Adam, the new guy.

We ran into each other at Prisms. He seemed pretty upset.

ME: You look upset.
ADAM: I am.
ME: What's wrong?
ADAM: Joey broke up with me.
ME: Were you two dating?
ADAM: Sort of. We were sleeping together on a regular basis.
ME: Wow, I must be dating like seven people.

Adam and I talked for a little bit more, then we ended up drinking, then we ended up dancing, then we ended up--

ADAM: Oh God...I don't think I was supposed to sleep with you.
ME: Yeah, it's usually not a good idea. But people do it anyway.

Looks like I got to Adam just in time. Once people hear about my unfair reputation, they avoid me.

It totally kills my game.

ADAM: You're not going to tell anyone about this, right?
ME: Nooo....

I didn't tell him I already put it as my Facebook status.

A boy's gotta have his secrets.

Before Someone Drops a House On You

Hi, my name is Jackson.

JOAN: Jackson, I seem to be having a problem.
ME: Which is?
JOAN: My things are all outside in the parking lot.
ME: Oh right. I kicked you out of the apartment.

Today might be one of the happiest days of my life.

JOAN: Is this a joke?

Paige popped out of the hallway with the last box.

PAIGE: Maybe for us. Jackson and I were just cracking up when we were packing your stuff.
JOAN: You can't be serious.
ME: Hank called Mom--to apologize. Apparently you set him up with a hooker.
JOAN: They're called escorts, Jackson.
ME: You purposefully destroyed my relationship.
JOAN: Only because I know you can do better.
ME: No, you did it because you can't stand to see me be happy.
JOAN: That's ridiculous. You used to say the same thing when you were little just because you were fat and had low self-esteem.
ME: Paige, give me that box.

I took it, opened the window, and tossed it out.

PAIGE: That was all her breakables.
ME: I'm aware.

Mom got that frantic look in her eye. She was trying to figure out a way to stay.

JOAN: You can't do this. I'm your mother. I--
ME: You're a murderer.
JOAN: It was an accident!
ME: Is that how the police would see it?
JOAN: You two were involved!

Paige and I smiled at each other.

ME: Mom, didn't you notice us putting on gloves before we left with Chris' remains?

Mom's face dropped--might be time for another visit to Dr. Travers.

PAIGE: Looks like I have my room back.
ME: Try not to miss us too much, Mom.
JOAN: Go to hell. Both of you!

She walked out and slammed the door.

Ding Dong...