Hi, my name is Ritchie.
ME: So what did we learn from this?
BILLY: Eli sucks?
HANK: We already knew that.
I picked up Billy downtown at the police station. Luckily for him, Liam's parents decided to back off once they got their little Lolita back home.
BILLY: Eli ratted me out.
ME: Why would he do that? He's just as guilty as you are.
HANK: In terms of being a pedophile.
BILLY: Hey!
HANK: Truth hurts.
We all went to the IHOP for a late-night breakfast. It was a little creepy being in there--the last place that Joey had ever eaten.
WAITRESS: Hi, welcome to the IHOP.
HANK: Paige?
PAIGE: Shut up. I need money.
BILLY: They're not taking anymore applications at the Hooker House?
PAIGE: No, but I hear the Bitch Barn is; you should apply.
ME: Point goes to Paige.
She took our orders and left. Then some girl approached our table.
SOME GIRL: Uh, hey.
HANK: We're not interested.
SOME GIRL: In what?
HANK: Whatever you're selling. It's 2am at the IHOP, honey. You can't be holding anything good.
SOME GIRL: I'm Skyler's friend. I was here the night your friend...
ME: Joey?
SOME GIRL: Skyler told me that he died. I'm really sorry.
She really looked upset. I took her arm, and she sat next to us.
SOME GIRL: I wanted to...I shouldn't say this, but...
ME: What?
SOME GIRL: Skyler had to run outside to smoke. Your friend went to the men's room. I, uh, I saw that guy he was with put something in his drink.
HANK: Eli?
BILLY: RYFKM?
SOME GIRL: Who's RYFKM?
ME: He's being stupid. Never mind. Are you sure you--
SOME GIRL: Yes, positive. He didn't see me, but I totally saw him do it. When I saw what happened with your friend--
BILLY: Thank you for telling us.
My phone rang.
ME: Hello?
NATHAN: Hey Ritchie.
ME: Nathan, what's up?
NATHAN: I'm just out having drinks. You are not going to believe this. I talked to Cal--
ME: RYFKM!
NATHAN: No, for real. He said that either the Roofier or the guy who shot Ben at the pageant--
ME: Wait, wasn't that Cal?
HANK: What about Cal?
ME: Not now!
NATHAN: Apparently, someone's impersonating Cal.
ME: This is so Kimberly on Melrose. Continue.
NATHAN: Anyway, Cal said one of us is either the Roofier or the Shooter.
If Eli put something in Joey's drink...
ME: Nathan, where are you having drinks?
NATHAN: At Slice. With Eli.
Shit.
ME: Listen to me, you need to--
NATHAN: One sec. Eli wants the phone.
That was when the connection went dead.
BILLY: What's going on?
ME: Billy, I think you might have been right about Eli.
HANK: Not another rescue mission.
ME: Get the pancakes to go.
It was time to avenge Joey.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Handcuffs (Not the Fun Kind)
Hi, my name is Billy.
LIAM: Can't we do something fun tonight?
ME: Liam, I'm tired.
LIAM: You're always tired.
ME: That's because I actually do things. School, rehearsal--
LIAM: Blah, blah, blah.
I was trying to type out a paper. It was almost midnight, and I was exhausted. Liam, as usual, had spent the day at the mall, then back at my dorm room.
He had no intention of going back to high school, or trying to reconcile with his parents.
I should have just told him to leave, but he does this thing--
LIAM: I'm bored. Want to have sex?
Yeah, that thing.
Knock, Knock.
LIAM: I'll get it. It's probably one of the barbecues.
ME: CBQ's.
LIAM: Yeah, whatever.
He opened the door, and I heard someone say--
VOICE: We're looking for--
SHIT.
ME: Hi Officer, can I help you?
POPO: Are you Billy?
ME: Yes sir.
POPO: And this is Liam?
LIAM: In the flesh, Stabler.
ME: Liam, shut up.
LIAM: But he's kind of cute.
ME: SHUT UP!
The officer did not look amused.
POPO: Are you aware that this boy is sixteen years old?
ME: Uh...well...
POPO: His parents reported him missing.
I turned to Liam.
ME: You told me that you and your parents had a fight!
LIAM: They did. They threw me out. It's not like I was going to tell them where I was going.
POPO: They've been worried sick. We got a tip that you were staying here.
It was time to cut my losses.
ME: Take him.
LIAM: Billy!
ME: Tell them not to worry about paying for things he broke.
LIAM: The only thing I broke was your headboard.
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
POPO: Sorry son, but you're going to have to come with me.
ME: Why?
POPO: This boy is underage.
ME: What if I didn't know that?
POPO: I think you did.
ME: What if I didn't though?
POPO: Then you'd want to tell your lawyer.
ME: Why would I need a--uh--oh boy.
The officer took out his handcuffs.
POPO: You're going to have to come with me.
ME: Wait, this is some kind of a mistake.
POPO: No mistake.
LIAM: Don't worry, Billy. I'll wait for you.
ME: SHUT UP, LIAM!
The officer cuffed me--never thought I'd say that in my lifetime--and led me out of the dorms with everyone watching. It was completely humiliating.
As he put me in the back of the police car, the only thing I could think about was who would have tipped off Liam's parents.
Then it hit me--
ME: Eli!
--And the sirens blared.
LIAM: Can't we do something fun tonight?
ME: Liam, I'm tired.
LIAM: You're always tired.
ME: That's because I actually do things. School, rehearsal--
LIAM: Blah, blah, blah.
I was trying to type out a paper. It was almost midnight, and I was exhausted. Liam, as usual, had spent the day at the mall, then back at my dorm room.
He had no intention of going back to high school, or trying to reconcile with his parents.
I should have just told him to leave, but he does this thing--
LIAM: I'm bored. Want to have sex?
Yeah, that thing.
Knock, Knock.
LIAM: I'll get it. It's probably one of the barbecues.
ME: CBQ's.
LIAM: Yeah, whatever.
He opened the door, and I heard someone say--
VOICE: We're looking for--
SHIT.
ME: Hi Officer, can I help you?
POPO: Are you Billy?
ME: Yes sir.
POPO: And this is Liam?
LIAM: In the flesh, Stabler.
ME: Liam, shut up.
LIAM: But he's kind of cute.
ME: SHUT UP!
The officer did not look amused.
POPO: Are you aware that this boy is sixteen years old?
ME: Uh...well...
POPO: His parents reported him missing.
I turned to Liam.
ME: You told me that you and your parents had a fight!
LIAM: They did. They threw me out. It's not like I was going to tell them where I was going.
POPO: They've been worried sick. We got a tip that you were staying here.
It was time to cut my losses.
ME: Take him.
LIAM: Billy!
ME: Tell them not to worry about paying for things he broke.
LIAM: The only thing I broke was your headboard.
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
POPO: Sorry son, but you're going to have to come with me.
ME: Why?
POPO: This boy is underage.
ME: What if I didn't know that?
POPO: I think you did.
ME: What if I didn't though?
POPO: Then you'd want to tell your lawyer.
ME: Why would I need a--uh--oh boy.
The officer took out his handcuffs.
POPO: You're going to have to come with me.
ME: Wait, this is some kind of a mistake.
POPO: No mistake.
LIAM: Don't worry, Billy. I'll wait for you.
ME: SHUT UP, LIAM!
The officer cuffed me--never thought I'd say that in my lifetime--and led me out of the dorms with everyone watching. It was completely humiliating.
As he put me in the back of the police car, the only thing I could think about was who would have tipped off Liam's parents.
Then it hit me--
ME: Eli!
--And the sirens blared.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Going for a Ride
Hi, my name is Nathan.
JEREMY: So you're not dead?
Ben is back.
BEN: Nope.
JEREMY: Terrific.
Jeremy backhanded him.
BEN: Ow!
JEREMY: Ow? We've been worried sick.
RITCHIE: Where were you?
HANK: We thought crazy blog people kidnapped you.
CARTER: I cried about it for awhile, but then I got over it.
BILLY: Good to know you're still pulling Ben's.
BEN: You can't call it a Ben when I'm the one doing it.
JEREMY: I could kill you!
Jeremy looked really upset, and I got nervous. Ben and I had just reunited, and I didn't want to risk him getting back into that Black Hole he and Jeremy called a relationship.
BEN: What are you talking about? You know where I was. You followed me to the airport and then told me to go!
JEREMY: Are you insane? I never--
JACKSON: Jeremy?
Everyone turned and looked at Jackson.
BEN: Are you kidding me?
JACKSON: I didn't know--I mean, I did, but--
JEREMY: You told Ben to leave?
JACKSON: It was either that or you were going to know that I was still here.
RITCHIE: Jesus, you people are like the cast of Falcon Crest.
Silence.
RITCHIE: Does nobody else get Soap Net?
I looked at Ben and could already see his resolve softening. Now that he knew Jeremy wasn't the one who told him to go, he would buckle.
So I decided to do a preemptive strike.
ME: Ben and I had sex last night.
BILLY: Was last night 'Bad Idea Night?' I thought that was next week.
ME: We're back together.
JEREMY: Great. As long as nobody's dead.
Uh...about that...
BEN: We're not back together.
ME: Excuse me?
BEN: It was just sex, Nathan. We weren't thinking.
ME: You piece of--
I wanted to grab a glass and break it over his head, but Davis got in front of me.
DAVIS: We already had a bar fight the other night, Nathan. I don't feel like getting kicked out of another sketchy dive.
HANK: Pretty soon we'll have no place else to go.
CARTER: We could go to Boston.
RITCHIE: Carter, we're from Rhode Island.
ALL: We don't drive.
JACKSON: Driving for an hour just to get drunk and make out. What do we look like--Brown students?
I'd heard enough.
ME: I'm leaving.
BEN: Nathan, don't.
ME: I thought we were finally going to be together for good.
BEN: Nathan, that day is never going to happen.
BILLY: In time, you'll see that this is like being told you'll never get syphilis. It's a good thing, Nathan, really.
But it didn't matter. I knew when I had Ben in my arms again that he was the only guy I could ever really love.
I walked out of the bar and got in my car.
VOICE: Lock the doors.
Shit.
ME: I don't have any money.
VOICE: I don't want money.
ME: Then what do you--
VOICE: Don't look in the rearview.
ME: Fine.
VOICE: You should recognize the voice anyway.
ME: Cal?
VOICE: Drive.
ME: Where?
VOICE: The mall. You can drop me off in front of Borders.
ME: Okay.
The mall was only a few minutes away. He must not have wanted to have a long conversation.
VOICE: You've been looking for me?
ME: Everyone has.
VOICE: Now you have me. What do you want?
ME: Why did you disappear?
VOICE: You know why. Billy spilled his guts, didn't he?
ME: He didn't say why you disappeared.
VOICE: I disappeared so I wouldn't get caught in the crossfire. You boys turned the entire city into a war zone.
ME: But you didn't know we were going to do that.
VOICE: I knew things were going to get bad.
ME: Did you know you were going to show up at the Mr. Providence pageant and fire off a few rounds?
He didn't say anything, and then--
VOICE: What makes you so sure that was me?
ME: Who else would it have been?
VOICE: Someone trying to look like me.
ME: This is all getting way too complicated.
VOICE: I'll uncomplicated it for you.
ME: Not a word.
VOICE: Should I get out here?
ME: I'm sorry. I'll shut up.
He took a deep breath.
VOICE: I took off because of Billy, because of what happened between us. I was just going to lay low for a little while when I got a phone call from someone who had a beef against all of you guys.
ME: Why?
VOICE: I'm not at liberty to say. Don't forget. I want to keep myself out of this.
ME: Fine. Go ahead.
VOICE: He wanted to do some serious damage, and he wanted to use the Wilde Blog to do it.
ME: What about the drugs in the drinks?
VOICE: That I know nothing about, but once Joey died, this guy--
ME: The guy who contacted you?
VOICE: He went berserk. He blamed all of you for not protecting him.
ME: But that doesn't make any sense. Was he close to Joey?
VOICE: This is where I get off.
ME: But--
VOICE: Look, you know the Roofier and the Shooter have nothing to do with each other, and you know that looking for me isn't going to help anything.
ME: So now we have two wackos out there who want to take out the CBQ's.
VOICE: Are you that dense?
He leaned forward, and whispered in my ear.
VOICE: One of them IS a CBQ. Now brake.
I did. He got out, and I sat there...
...Wondering what to do next.
JEREMY: So you're not dead?
Ben is back.
BEN: Nope.
JEREMY: Terrific.
Jeremy backhanded him.
BEN: Ow!
JEREMY: Ow? We've been worried sick.
RITCHIE: Where were you?
HANK: We thought crazy blog people kidnapped you.
CARTER: I cried about it for awhile, but then I got over it.
BILLY: Good to know you're still pulling Ben's.
BEN: You can't call it a Ben when I'm the one doing it.
JEREMY: I could kill you!
Jeremy looked really upset, and I got nervous. Ben and I had just reunited, and I didn't want to risk him getting back into that Black Hole he and Jeremy called a relationship.
BEN: What are you talking about? You know where I was. You followed me to the airport and then told me to go!
JEREMY: Are you insane? I never--
JACKSON: Jeremy?
Everyone turned and looked at Jackson.
BEN: Are you kidding me?
JACKSON: I didn't know--I mean, I did, but--
JEREMY: You told Ben to leave?
JACKSON: It was either that or you were going to know that I was still here.
RITCHIE: Jesus, you people are like the cast of Falcon Crest.
Silence.
RITCHIE: Does nobody else get Soap Net?
I looked at Ben and could already see his resolve softening. Now that he knew Jeremy wasn't the one who told him to go, he would buckle.
So I decided to do a preemptive strike.
ME: Ben and I had sex last night.
BILLY: Was last night 'Bad Idea Night?' I thought that was next week.
ME: We're back together.
JEREMY: Great. As long as nobody's dead.
Uh...about that...
BEN: We're not back together.
ME: Excuse me?
BEN: It was just sex, Nathan. We weren't thinking.
ME: You piece of--
I wanted to grab a glass and break it over his head, but Davis got in front of me.
DAVIS: We already had a bar fight the other night, Nathan. I don't feel like getting kicked out of another sketchy dive.
HANK: Pretty soon we'll have no place else to go.
CARTER: We could go to Boston.
RITCHIE: Carter, we're from Rhode Island.
ALL: We don't drive.
JACKSON: Driving for an hour just to get drunk and make out. What do we look like--Brown students?
I'd heard enough.
ME: I'm leaving.
BEN: Nathan, don't.
ME: I thought we were finally going to be together for good.
BEN: Nathan, that day is never going to happen.
BILLY: In time, you'll see that this is like being told you'll never get syphilis. It's a good thing, Nathan, really.
But it didn't matter. I knew when I had Ben in my arms again that he was the only guy I could ever really love.
I walked out of the bar and got in my car.
VOICE: Lock the doors.
Shit.
ME: I don't have any money.
VOICE: I don't want money.
ME: Then what do you--
VOICE: Don't look in the rearview.
ME: Fine.
VOICE: You should recognize the voice anyway.
ME: Cal?
VOICE: Drive.
ME: Where?
VOICE: The mall. You can drop me off in front of Borders.
ME: Okay.
The mall was only a few minutes away. He must not have wanted to have a long conversation.
VOICE: You've been looking for me?
ME: Everyone has.
VOICE: Now you have me. What do you want?
ME: Why did you disappear?
VOICE: You know why. Billy spilled his guts, didn't he?
ME: He didn't say why you disappeared.
VOICE: I disappeared so I wouldn't get caught in the crossfire. You boys turned the entire city into a war zone.
ME: But you didn't know we were going to do that.
VOICE: I knew things were going to get bad.
ME: Did you know you were going to show up at the Mr. Providence pageant and fire off a few rounds?
He didn't say anything, and then--
VOICE: What makes you so sure that was me?
ME: Who else would it have been?
VOICE: Someone trying to look like me.
ME: This is all getting way too complicated.
VOICE: I'll uncomplicated it for you.
ME: Not a word.
VOICE: Should I get out here?
ME: I'm sorry. I'll shut up.
He took a deep breath.
VOICE: I took off because of Billy, because of what happened between us. I was just going to lay low for a little while when I got a phone call from someone who had a beef against all of you guys.
ME: Why?
VOICE: I'm not at liberty to say. Don't forget. I want to keep myself out of this.
ME: Fine. Go ahead.
VOICE: He wanted to do some serious damage, and he wanted to use the Wilde Blog to do it.
ME: What about the drugs in the drinks?
VOICE: That I know nothing about, but once Joey died, this guy--
ME: The guy who contacted you?
VOICE: He went berserk. He blamed all of you for not protecting him.
ME: But that doesn't make any sense. Was he close to Joey?
VOICE: This is where I get off.
ME: But--
VOICE: Look, you know the Roofier and the Shooter have nothing to do with each other, and you know that looking for me isn't going to help anything.
ME: So now we have two wackos out there who want to take out the CBQ's.
VOICE: Are you that dense?
He leaned forward, and whispered in my ear.
VOICE: One of them IS a CBQ. Now brake.
I did. He got out, and I sat there...
...Wondering what to do next.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
The Not -So-Hot Body Contest
Hi, my name is Carter.
ME: There are hot people here!
I'm screwed.
RITCHIE: Carter, isn't that the point? It's a Hot Body Contest.
ME: But usually nobody shows up and then I win!
JACKSON: Looks like you're going to have to give up your title.
HANK: Tonight, Providence will crown a new Head Slut.
ME: You don't understand! I need to make rent money!
Now that I've quit school, I decided to be an adult and get my own place. The problem is, I still have the same part-time job I had when I was in school, and I'm having trouble finding another one, or a full-time job.
Plus, rent is due next week.
That's why I took Jeremy, Jackson, Ritchie, and Hank with me to Prisms for the Hot Body Contest. The winner gets two hundred bucks, and nobody ever shows up, so all I had to do was just shake my ass and walk off with the money.
MAX: Good turn-out, huh?
Max was the one who told me to come down and enter the contest. He hosts it every week.
ME: Max! There are hot people here.
MAX: Carter, did I not mention the name of the contest?
JEREMY: He was hoping for an easy victory, Max.
MAX: Maybe if he hadn't already won five times.
JACKSON: Carter, you've won this contest five times before?
ME: I like to milk it.
HANK: You should get that on a t-shirt.
That was when Max got that scary smile on his face.
MAX: You know, a new person would have a lot more luck than you, Carter.
ME: What do you--Ohhh...
MAX: Like, for example, Providence's Resident Saint?
JEREMY: No way.
MAX: Hank?
HANK: I'd rather eat my own eyeballs.
ME: Ritchie?
RITCHIE: I've actually won twice already.
Silence.
RITCHIE: Hey, Carter's not the only one who's had to pay rent.
The only one left was--
JACKSON: I'll do it.
ME: You will?
MAX: Great. That makes five. Now we have a quorum.
HANK: There are quorums on Hot Body Contests?
MAX: I take my job very seriously, Hank.
HANK: This from a man wearing platforms.
MAX: See you in a few, Jackson.
Great! Now I wouldn't have to strip and I could still pay rent!
...As long as Jackson won.
ME: You have to show peen.
JACKSON: What? No!
ME: That's the only surefire way to win.
JACKSON: Believe it or not, Carter, some of us still remember the age old art of burlesque.
JEREMY: Hate to rain on your parade, Gypsy, but I don't want you doing this contest.
JACKSON: Why not?
JEREMY: In case you've forgotten, we're twins. People seeing you naked is like people seeing me naked.
HANK: In that case, all your friends have seen you naked, Jeremy.
JACKSON: Excuse me, but only one of us does one hundred sit-ups every morning. Trust me, boys, I got a much better show going on underneath these clothes.
VOICE: All contestants in the Hot Body Contest! Come on up!
JACKSON: Wish me luck.
Jackson and four other guys went up to the front of the stage. The music started playing and the first guy started to strip.
JEREMY: I'm mortified.
RITCHIE: So am I. I can barely see anything. I wish that drag queen hadn't opted for the Marge Simpson wig.
HANK: I think that guy was an altar boy at my church.
JEREMY: Was or is?
ME: COME ON, JACKSON!
Just as the music started for Jackson, Davis strolled into the club, and got Jackson's shirt thrown over his face.
DAVIS: That's okay. I've been wanting to shave off my nose.
HANK: Like you didn't love it.
DAVIS: Carter, I thought you were entering the contest?
ME: Jackson is trying to win for me.
JEREMY: Carter, do you realize that you never made any agreement with Jackson in the event that he does win?
ME: Yeah, but Jackson wouldn't just--
DAVIS: Keep the money?
HANK: Wow, a new level of dumb. Somebody ring a bell.
RITCHIE: I'd like to ring a gong. Guy number five is HIDEOUS.
Three guys got eliminated and then it was just Jackson and this hot dancer guy in town with the tour of Kiss Me, Kate.
RITCHIE: I wouldn't mind kissing his--
JEREMY: Ritchie!
ME: Show it, Jackson! It's the only way.
They started the music, and the two of them had a strip-off. Both got down to their underwear, but at the last minute, KMK Boy showed it all.
HANK: My oh my, what would Cole Porter say?
RITCHIE: He'd say meet me in my stagecoach in five.
JEREMY: Then he'd write a song about it for Ethel Merman.
Max was getting the audience under control.
MAX: All right, it's time to see who our winner is--is it Tobey?
KMK Boy got some loud applause--
MAX: Or is it Jackson?
--But Jackson's blew his out of the water.
MAX: We have a winner--Jackson!
I started looking for the cash before Jackson could take it.
MAX: Care to make a speech, Jackson?
JACKSON: I'd rather spend the time making out with the guy I just beat.
MAX: Tobey?
TOBEY: I'm down.
MAX: Look at that! Everybody's a winner.
JEREMY: Except for good taste.
DAVIS: Uh--Jeremy?
We all turned and looked towards the door.
MAX: But wait, do we have a last-minute challenger?
RITCHIE: No, we do not, but we do have--
JEREMY: Ben?
There was Ben--holding hands with Nathan.
HANK: Somebody's got some explaining to do.
ME: There are hot people here!
I'm screwed.
RITCHIE: Carter, isn't that the point? It's a Hot Body Contest.
ME: But usually nobody shows up and then I win!
JACKSON: Looks like you're going to have to give up your title.
HANK: Tonight, Providence will crown a new Head Slut.
ME: You don't understand! I need to make rent money!
Now that I've quit school, I decided to be an adult and get my own place. The problem is, I still have the same part-time job I had when I was in school, and I'm having trouble finding another one, or a full-time job.
Plus, rent is due next week.
That's why I took Jeremy, Jackson, Ritchie, and Hank with me to Prisms for the Hot Body Contest. The winner gets two hundred bucks, and nobody ever shows up, so all I had to do was just shake my ass and walk off with the money.
MAX: Good turn-out, huh?
Max was the one who told me to come down and enter the contest. He hosts it every week.
ME: Max! There are hot people here.
MAX: Carter, did I not mention the name of the contest?
JEREMY: He was hoping for an easy victory, Max.
MAX: Maybe if he hadn't already won five times.
JACKSON: Carter, you've won this contest five times before?
ME: I like to milk it.
HANK: You should get that on a t-shirt.
That was when Max got that scary smile on his face.
MAX: You know, a new person would have a lot more luck than you, Carter.
ME: What do you--Ohhh...
MAX: Like, for example, Providence's Resident Saint?
JEREMY: No way.
MAX: Hank?
HANK: I'd rather eat my own eyeballs.
ME: Ritchie?
RITCHIE: I've actually won twice already.
Silence.
RITCHIE: Hey, Carter's not the only one who's had to pay rent.
The only one left was--
JACKSON: I'll do it.
ME: You will?
MAX: Great. That makes five. Now we have a quorum.
HANK: There are quorums on Hot Body Contests?
MAX: I take my job very seriously, Hank.
HANK: This from a man wearing platforms.
MAX: See you in a few, Jackson.
Great! Now I wouldn't have to strip and I could still pay rent!
...As long as Jackson won.
ME: You have to show peen.
JACKSON: What? No!
ME: That's the only surefire way to win.
JACKSON: Believe it or not, Carter, some of us still remember the age old art of burlesque.
JEREMY: Hate to rain on your parade, Gypsy, but I don't want you doing this contest.
JACKSON: Why not?
JEREMY: In case you've forgotten, we're twins. People seeing you naked is like people seeing me naked.
HANK: In that case, all your friends have seen you naked, Jeremy.
JACKSON: Excuse me, but only one of us does one hundred sit-ups every morning. Trust me, boys, I got a much better show going on underneath these clothes.
VOICE: All contestants in the Hot Body Contest! Come on up!
JACKSON: Wish me luck.
Jackson and four other guys went up to the front of the stage. The music started playing and the first guy started to strip.
JEREMY: I'm mortified.
RITCHIE: So am I. I can barely see anything. I wish that drag queen hadn't opted for the Marge Simpson wig.
HANK: I think that guy was an altar boy at my church.
JEREMY: Was or is?
ME: COME ON, JACKSON!
Just as the music started for Jackson, Davis strolled into the club, and got Jackson's shirt thrown over his face.
DAVIS: That's okay. I've been wanting to shave off my nose.
HANK: Like you didn't love it.
DAVIS: Carter, I thought you were entering the contest?
ME: Jackson is trying to win for me.
JEREMY: Carter, do you realize that you never made any agreement with Jackson in the event that he does win?
ME: Yeah, but Jackson wouldn't just--
DAVIS: Keep the money?
HANK: Wow, a new level of dumb. Somebody ring a bell.
RITCHIE: I'd like to ring a gong. Guy number five is HIDEOUS.
Three guys got eliminated and then it was just Jackson and this hot dancer guy in town with the tour of Kiss Me, Kate.
RITCHIE: I wouldn't mind kissing his--
JEREMY: Ritchie!
ME: Show it, Jackson! It's the only way.
They started the music, and the two of them had a strip-off. Both got down to their underwear, but at the last minute, KMK Boy showed it all.
HANK: My oh my, what would Cole Porter say?
RITCHIE: He'd say meet me in my stagecoach in five.
JEREMY: Then he'd write a song about it for Ethel Merman.
Max was getting the audience under control.
MAX: All right, it's time to see who our winner is--is it Tobey?
KMK Boy got some loud applause--
MAX: Or is it Jackson?
--But Jackson's blew his out of the water.
MAX: We have a winner--Jackson!
I started looking for the cash before Jackson could take it.
MAX: Care to make a speech, Jackson?
JACKSON: I'd rather spend the time making out with the guy I just beat.
MAX: Tobey?
TOBEY: I'm down.
MAX: Look at that! Everybody's a winner.
JEREMY: Except for good taste.
DAVIS: Uh--Jeremy?
We all turned and looked towards the door.
MAX: But wait, do we have a last-minute challenger?
RITCHIE: No, we do not, but we do have--
JEREMY: Ben?
There was Ben--holding hands with Nathan.
HANK: Somebody's got some explaining to do.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Jackson F**ked Your Boyfriend
Hi, my name is Jackson.
SLUTTY GAY #1: Do you think the CBQ's are going to show up tonight?
SLUTTY GAY #2: Not if they know what's good for them.
I'm incognito.
Prisms was having their annual May Flowers party, and all of Providence was in attendance--minus my brother and his band of merry men.
I was dressed in a pulled down cap and sunglasses to avoid being noticed. I should have avoided the night altogether, but after spending so much time hidden away in a cheap motel in Warwick, I needed a night on the town.
The gays had gone crazy since Jeremy and Davis opened up the floodgates on the Wilde Blog. People were posting incriminating photos left and right, and most of the time the site crashed due to so many people logging onto it.
Needless to say, the Slutty Gays were not happy with the CBQ's for helping to air all their dirty laundry.
SLUTTY GAY #3: Like I should be embarrassed that I made out with that guy from Sesame Street Live?
SLUTTY GAY #4: Yeah, but he was still wearing the Elmo costume.
SLUTTY GAY #3: I know! Tell me that's not hot!
SLUTTY GAY #5: Hey guys, look who decided to show up.
I looked over at the door, and in they walked--Jeremy, Davis, Ritchie, Hank, Billy, and Carter.
To be honest, I missed them. Having a posse is fun.
The Slutty Gays wasted no time.
SLUTTY GAY #1: Look what the catty dragged in.
RITCHIE: Look who can make a pun. What's next? Similes? Onomatopoeia?
SLUTTY GAY #1: Eww! I'm not into that.
Slutty Gay #2 approached my brother. I felt my hair bristle--or what I would imagine bristling feels like.
SLUTTY GAY #2: You think you're clever, don't you?
JEREMY: I think I'm whimsical. I don't know about clever.
SLUTTY GAY #2: But see, your little plan didn't work, because people still think the same thing about you that they thought before.
JEREMY: Which is what?
SLUTTY GAY #2: That you're a snobby little fuck who can't get laid.
I made a fist, but stayed where I was. Davis was with Jeremy, and usually he could handle this sort of thing pretty well.
DAVIS: Why don't you say that again?
SLUTTY GAY #2: I said--
But before he could get the words out, Davis socked him in the jaw. Before the guy could get up, Davis was on top of him. Slutty Gay #3 tried pulling him off, but Ritchie kicked him the stomach. One of the other gays picked up a bottle and went to hit Davis over the head, but Hank picked him up by the back of his shirt and flung him across the bar. Jeremy was shouting at Davis to stop, but the rest of the bar was egging him on.
Finally, two of the bartenders broke it up and got Davis and most of the other guys out of the bar.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Great. Now they're banned. Maybe we can get some attractive people in here now.
JEREMY: You piece of--
BILLY: Jeremy, let's just go.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Yeah, run and hide.
JEREMY: At least we have somewhere else we can go. We don't have to hang out at bars every night of the week.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Yeah? Well...at least I have a boyfriend.
That's what did it. Not because I was pissed, but because the opportunity was just too good to pass up.
ME: Excuse me?
I took off my hat and my sunglasses. My hair may have been tussled, but that probably made me look even hotter.
Jeremy and Billy looked like they were going to fall on the floor when they saw me, but I didn't give them a chance to say anything.
ME: Your boyfriend?
SLUTTY GAY #5: Oh look, Tamera decided to show up.
ME: Did you say something about your boyfriend?
SLUTTY GAY #5: Yeah, maybe you know him. Nieno, hottest bartender in the city--
ME: Oh, I know him.
I looked around to make sure everyone was listening, and sure enough--
SLUTTY GAY #5: I'll tell him you said hi.
ME: Better yet. I'll ask him. The next time I fuck him.
Gasps all around.
SLUTTY GAY #5: What did you say?
ME: I fucked your boyfriend. Did you know that? Were you aware?
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up. Nobody's--
ME: I fucked him immediately upon arriving into town, but we've been meeting up ever since. So I hope you haven't been dating that long.
SLUTTY GAY #5: You're lying.
ME: He has a picture of Channing Tatum hung up over his bed. He has t-shirts flung all over his very nice oak dresser. And he has a hell of a squeaky mattress.
I heard a few people laugh. The Slutty Gays remaining looked too scared to jump in. This is what living in a gossip regime does; it makes people fear standing up for even their best friends. Luckily, I do just fine in regimes. Hell, I was raised in one.
ME: I fucked him just last week as a matter of fact.
SLUTTY GAY #5: He--
ME: Worked all week? Yeah, no. And the week before.
SLUTTY GAY #5: He was--
ME: House-sitting for you? I'm aware. Your bed doesn't squeak nearly as much as his.
The Slutty Gay looked like he was going to cry. That's my favorite part of any fight.
ME: God, he's good. Hard.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up.
ME: Long.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up.
ME: Sweaty.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up.
ME: Dirty. Nasty. Vocal. And it falls slightly to the right...doesn't it?
Now there was applause. Jeremy even laughed a little.
ME: Your boyfriend let me do things to him you're never going to do.
SLUTTY GAY #5: We're moving in together.
ME: NEVER.
SLUTTY GAY #5: He makes me soup when I'm sick!
ME: Well, then give the victory to you. You win. You have him in a relationship. Kudos. I mea, I wouldn't date him. Would any of you?
They all yelled 'No,' but they all would. Right now, they just wanted a show.
ME: I wouldn't date him because I'm not some dumb little twink he can play mind games with and win, but that's just me.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Please stop.
I felt Billy put a hand on my shoulder.
BILLY: Jackson, that's enough.
But I wasn't done.
ME: Does he make you feel special? Does he stroke your cheek and call you beautiful? Does he validate you? Does he satisfy your Daddy issues, your gold-digging nature, and your rapidly deteriorating mental capacity? Or does he just supply the meth?
BILLY: Okay--
ME: Does he make you feel like less of a gumball whore? Twist and pull, and candy pops out? Because he won't date just anyone, right? He's picky. He doesn't just care about having a consistent sex toy when the other booty calls don't text back.
SLUTTY GAY #5: We...talk.
ME: Oh, I'm sure you two have TONS of, like, wicked good conversation.
Now for the knife.
ME: Hey! I still have his number. Maybe I should text him and see how long before he's at my door waiting to be let in.
Carter came rushing in.
CARTER: Guys, let's go. Someone called the police.
Slutty Gay #5 had tears streaming down his face. I just smiled.
ME: The next time you want to say something to my brother, you try saying it to me instead. It should be easy. We look enough alike. Before you do, though, remember this. I fucked your boyfriend. I fucked him for hours, days, whole weekends, eons--and he still sends me cute little texts asking for more.
I turned around and addressed the rest of the club. The ones who turned on the Jeremy and everyone else as soon as the going got rough.
ME: Oh, and I fucked you. And you, too. And your best friend. You, over there, I fucked your ex-boyfriend. And the guy next to you? I fucked him and all of his ex-boyfriends. They said he all sucked in bed. I fucked the guys who won't return your phone calls. I fucked your fantasies. Your wildest dreams. But remember something, I am your nightmare. Because once I've fucked you, that's it. You can say whatever you want about me, but once I've fucked you, really, what does it matter what you say? I've already won. Post that on your little blogs, assholes.
I grabbed Jeremy's arm and headed for the door with Carter and Billy right behind us. It was hard to look at my brother, so instead I just asked--
ME: Anything you want to say?
Silence.
JEREMY: What took you so long?
I'm baaaack.
SLUTTY GAY #1: Do you think the CBQ's are going to show up tonight?
SLUTTY GAY #2: Not if they know what's good for them.
I'm incognito.
Prisms was having their annual May Flowers party, and all of Providence was in attendance--minus my brother and his band of merry men.
I was dressed in a pulled down cap and sunglasses to avoid being noticed. I should have avoided the night altogether, but after spending so much time hidden away in a cheap motel in Warwick, I needed a night on the town.
The gays had gone crazy since Jeremy and Davis opened up the floodgates on the Wilde Blog. People were posting incriminating photos left and right, and most of the time the site crashed due to so many people logging onto it.
Needless to say, the Slutty Gays were not happy with the CBQ's for helping to air all their dirty laundry.
SLUTTY GAY #3: Like I should be embarrassed that I made out with that guy from Sesame Street Live?
SLUTTY GAY #4: Yeah, but he was still wearing the Elmo costume.
SLUTTY GAY #3: I know! Tell me that's not hot!
SLUTTY GAY #5: Hey guys, look who decided to show up.
I looked over at the door, and in they walked--Jeremy, Davis, Ritchie, Hank, Billy, and Carter.
To be honest, I missed them. Having a posse is fun.
The Slutty Gays wasted no time.
SLUTTY GAY #1: Look what the catty dragged in.
RITCHIE: Look who can make a pun. What's next? Similes? Onomatopoeia?
SLUTTY GAY #1: Eww! I'm not into that.
Slutty Gay #2 approached my brother. I felt my hair bristle--or what I would imagine bristling feels like.
SLUTTY GAY #2: You think you're clever, don't you?
JEREMY: I think I'm whimsical. I don't know about clever.
SLUTTY GAY #2: But see, your little plan didn't work, because people still think the same thing about you that they thought before.
JEREMY: Which is what?
SLUTTY GAY #2: That you're a snobby little fuck who can't get laid.
I made a fist, but stayed where I was. Davis was with Jeremy, and usually he could handle this sort of thing pretty well.
DAVIS: Why don't you say that again?
SLUTTY GAY #2: I said--
But before he could get the words out, Davis socked him in the jaw. Before the guy could get up, Davis was on top of him. Slutty Gay #3 tried pulling him off, but Ritchie kicked him the stomach. One of the other gays picked up a bottle and went to hit Davis over the head, but Hank picked him up by the back of his shirt and flung him across the bar. Jeremy was shouting at Davis to stop, but the rest of the bar was egging him on.
Finally, two of the bartenders broke it up and got Davis and most of the other guys out of the bar.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Great. Now they're banned. Maybe we can get some attractive people in here now.
JEREMY: You piece of--
BILLY: Jeremy, let's just go.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Yeah, run and hide.
JEREMY: At least we have somewhere else we can go. We don't have to hang out at bars every night of the week.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Yeah? Well...at least I have a boyfriend.
That's what did it. Not because I was pissed, but because the opportunity was just too good to pass up.
ME: Excuse me?
I took off my hat and my sunglasses. My hair may have been tussled, but that probably made me look even hotter.
Jeremy and Billy looked like they were going to fall on the floor when they saw me, but I didn't give them a chance to say anything.
ME: Your boyfriend?
SLUTTY GAY #5: Oh look, Tamera decided to show up.
ME: Did you say something about your boyfriend?
SLUTTY GAY #5: Yeah, maybe you know him. Nieno, hottest bartender in the city--
ME: Oh, I know him.
I looked around to make sure everyone was listening, and sure enough--
SLUTTY GAY #5: I'll tell him you said hi.
ME: Better yet. I'll ask him. The next time I fuck him.
Gasps all around.
SLUTTY GAY #5: What did you say?
ME: I fucked your boyfriend. Did you know that? Were you aware?
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up. Nobody's--
ME: I fucked him immediately upon arriving into town, but we've been meeting up ever since. So I hope you haven't been dating that long.
SLUTTY GAY #5: You're lying.
ME: He has a picture of Channing Tatum hung up over his bed. He has t-shirts flung all over his very nice oak dresser. And he has a hell of a squeaky mattress.
I heard a few people laugh. The Slutty Gays remaining looked too scared to jump in. This is what living in a gossip regime does; it makes people fear standing up for even their best friends. Luckily, I do just fine in regimes. Hell, I was raised in one.
ME: I fucked him just last week as a matter of fact.
SLUTTY GAY #5: He--
ME: Worked all week? Yeah, no. And the week before.
SLUTTY GAY #5: He was--
ME: House-sitting for you? I'm aware. Your bed doesn't squeak nearly as much as his.
The Slutty Gay looked like he was going to cry. That's my favorite part of any fight.
ME: God, he's good. Hard.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up.
ME: Long.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up.
ME: Sweaty.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up.
ME: Dirty. Nasty. Vocal. And it falls slightly to the right...doesn't it?
Now there was applause. Jeremy even laughed a little.
ME: Your boyfriend let me do things to him you're never going to do.
SLUTTY GAY #5: We're moving in together.
ME: NEVER.
SLUTTY GAY #5: He makes me soup when I'm sick!
ME: Well, then give the victory to you. You win. You have him in a relationship. Kudos. I mea, I wouldn't date him. Would any of you?
They all yelled 'No,' but they all would. Right now, they just wanted a show.
ME: I wouldn't date him because I'm not some dumb little twink he can play mind games with and win, but that's just me.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Please stop.
I felt Billy put a hand on my shoulder.
BILLY: Jackson, that's enough.
But I wasn't done.
ME: Does he make you feel special? Does he stroke your cheek and call you beautiful? Does he validate you? Does he satisfy your Daddy issues, your gold-digging nature, and your rapidly deteriorating mental capacity? Or does he just supply the meth?
BILLY: Okay--
ME: Does he make you feel like less of a gumball whore? Twist and pull, and candy pops out? Because he won't date just anyone, right? He's picky. He doesn't just care about having a consistent sex toy when the other booty calls don't text back.
SLUTTY GAY #5: We...talk.
ME: Oh, I'm sure you two have TONS of, like, wicked good conversation.
Now for the knife.
ME: Hey! I still have his number. Maybe I should text him and see how long before he's at my door waiting to be let in.
Carter came rushing in.
CARTER: Guys, let's go. Someone called the police.
Slutty Gay #5 had tears streaming down his face. I just smiled.
ME: The next time you want to say something to my brother, you try saying it to me instead. It should be easy. We look enough alike. Before you do, though, remember this. I fucked your boyfriend. I fucked him for hours, days, whole weekends, eons--and he still sends me cute little texts asking for more.
I turned around and addressed the rest of the club. The ones who turned on the Jeremy and everyone else as soon as the going got rough.
ME: Oh, and I fucked you. And you, too. And your best friend. You, over there, I fucked your ex-boyfriend. And the guy next to you? I fucked him and all of his ex-boyfriends. They said he all sucked in bed. I fucked the guys who won't return your phone calls. I fucked your fantasies. Your wildest dreams. But remember something, I am your nightmare. Because once I've fucked you, that's it. You can say whatever you want about me, but once I've fucked you, really, what does it matter what you say? I've already won. Post that on your little blogs, assholes.
I grabbed Jeremy's arm and headed for the door with Carter and Billy right behind us. It was hard to look at my brother, so instead I just asked--
ME: Anything you want to say?
Silence.
JEREMY: What took you so long?
I'm baaaack.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
They Know How to Do It in L.A.
Hi, my name is--
NATHAN: Ben?
I just got home.
NATHAN: Thank God, we were worried sick about you.
ME: Nathan, I...I need to...
NATHAN: What's wrong?
But I couldn't say it. It hadn't been that long, but it felt like forever. Now here I was, at the doorstep of yet another person whose heart I had broken.
And now breaking hearts seemed like nothing compared to what I've done.
Nathan and I went into the living room and sat down.
ME: I went to California.
NATHAN: We thought maybe Wilde--
ME: No, nothing like that.
NATHAN: Did something happen there?
ME: It was Taylor...
NATHAN: I knew that guy was bad news.
ME: He's dead.
You always mean to say things like that more delicately, but then--
NATHAN: Dead?
ME: Nathan--
NATHAN: What the hell are you talking about?
ME: I can't tell you what happened. It's for your own good.
NATHAN: Fuck, Ben, when did our lives turn into Guiding Light?
ME: Is that a show?
Nathan stood up and started pacing.
ME: I know I shouldn't have burdened you with this.
NATHAN: With what? You haven't told me--
ME: And I can't. We just have to act like nothing happened.
NATHAN: Are you in trouble?
ME: Not that I'm aware of, but if I am, it'll only be if I go back to California. I should be safe here. That's why I came home.
He looked hurt.
NATHAN: Not because of...anyone?
ME: I'm sorry, Nathan. I'm so sorry for everything. I promise. Everything.
On the word 'promise,' I started to cry. Nathan sat down next to me and I buried my face in his shirt. The next thing I knew, we were kissing, and then...
Well...
NATHAN: Promise you'll never leave me again.
ME: I promise.
But if there's one thing I know now, it's that there really aren't any promises you can keep.
Monday, April 20, 2009
A Little Business Venture
Hi, my name is Davis.
JEREMY: I'm a shell of a man.
Jeremy didn't get in the school play.
JEREMY: The musical, Davis. I didn't get in the musical.
ME: I'm sorry. Can't you go be a fairy on your own? Do you need an accompanist for that?
JEREMY: Why are you the person destined to be my life-long friend?
ME: Because we both were awful people in our past lives.
JEREMY: One of us isn't doing so grand in our current life either.
ME: Ha ha.
We were sitting at Slice. It was a rainy Monday. The perfect kind of day in Providence.
JEREMY: Can we go do karaoke? I feel the need to sing 'Some People.'
ME: Sit tight, Herbie. Mama's got a deal to seal.
JEREMY: Are you trying to pimp me out again?
ME: Considering I couldn't get two fifty for you last time, I don't think so.
JEREMY: You mean two hundred and fifty dollars, right?
ME: Sure, let's say that.
That was when my opportunity walked into the bar.
JEREMY: Skyler?
SKYLER: Hey Jeremy.
JEREMY: I didn't think Slice was your kind of place.
SKYLER: No, but hopefully it will be.
ME: That's where I come in.
JEREMY: Okay, now I'm nervous.
I put my arm around Skyler.
ME: Skyler and I are buying Slice.
JEREMY: Hahahaha...wait, what?
ME: I'm going to handle the business.
SKYLER: And I'm going to make it into the best venue for live bands in Providence.
JEREMY: You mean aside from Taylor's?
ME: Better.
JEREMY: Taylor's is legendary, Davis.
SKYLER: The legend's in the past. Slice is going to shut them down.
JEREMY: Uh, Davis, could I see you for a second?
Jeremy and I went outside.
JEREMY: Are you sleeping with Skyler?
ME: No, but I wouldn't say 'No' if he asked. He's cute. You should have stuck--
JEREMY: Not a word. This is about how you two all of a sudden started working together.
ME: He approached me with a business plan. I approved and I'm putting my money where my mouth is.
JEREMY: Where did you get money from?
ME: I save.
JEREMY: Really? Because you make so much working as a--
ME: HEY! We don't talk about where I work. I'm like Barney Rubble, remember?
A boy's gotta keep some secrets.
JEREMY: Davis, how much is this costing you?
ME: A lot.
JEREMY: Then don't do it. Now is not the time to be taking large economic risks, don't you think?
ME: I think you got to spend money to make money.
JEREMY: Great. That old adage will serve you well when you interview for a government position.
ME: Jeremy, have you ever known me to fail?
JEREMY: There's a first time for everything.
He want back into the bar. I felt the rain start falling on my face again and I looked up to embrace it.
You see what I do? I embrace.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
The Home Stretch
Hi, my name is Jeremy.
HANK: Aren't you graduating soon?
I'm about to become a college graduate.
ELI: Good luck with that.
We were all sitting around the Fish Bowl. The cast list for the musical was about to go up at any second. I was trying to focus on that rather than the fact that Records refused to sign off on my graduation application until my Bio grade was posted.
BILLY: How are you doing in Bio anyway?
ME: About as well Steve-O on Dancing with the Stars.
HANK: You could always stay another year.
NATHAN: Yeah, be a Super Senior.
ME: I'd rather take a Super plunge off a Super bridge.
Eli tapped me on the shoulder.
ELI: We have a cast list.
Murray walked out of his office, taped the list to the door of the Fish Bowl (avoiding our eye contact the entire time) and then ran away as fast as he could.
HANK: Let's see who got fucked over this year.
We all walked outside and looked at the list.
ELI: Ensemble.
BILLY: Ensemble.
HANK: Ensemble.
NATHAN: Ensemble.
ME: En--wait--where's my name?
I looked up and down, but I couldn't find it.
ME: Oh my God.
HANK: Jeremy, there must be a--
BILLY: That can't be--
NATHAN: It's probably just a--
ELI: You're not in the show.
I'm not doing my last show at OSC.
ME: Give me a second.
I walked into the Fish Bowl, and screamed.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Who Can You Trust?
Hi, my name is Eli.
JEREMY: You smell like Burt Reynolds.
ME: It's my new cologne.
JEREMY: What's it called? Boogie Nights?
Jeremy was in a lameass mood. We met up at school to work on our scene for character study class.
ME: What's the prob?
JEREMY: Jackson.
ME: First house landing on him didn't take?
JEREMY: I miss him.
ME: You drove him to the train station!
JEREMY: I know, it's weird. I just got used to having him around. He may be a jerk, but he's still my brother.
I was going to offer some sage advice, but the closest thing I have to a twin brother is Zac Effron.
ME: We have to stop at Billy's dorm. I let him borrow the play.
JEREMY: Eli, every time I stop by Billy's dorm I end up finding him in some awful situation. Can't I just meet you in the theater building?
ME: It's a Monday night. What's the worst he could be doing on a Monday night?
I shouldn't have said that.
We knocked on his door, and heard a shuffling--
ME: That sounds like--
JEREMY: --Clothes being thrown on?
--Then Billy opened the door.
BILLY: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
ME: I need that play I let you borrow.
BILLY: Right now? You need it right now?
JEREMY: We're practicing our scene for class.
BILLY: Oh, uh, okay--hang on.
He shut the door.
ME: Wondering who he's in there with?
JEREMY: Nope, not at all. Don't even want to think about it.
ME: But--
JEREMY: Soul's crumbling, Eli, soul's crumbling.
He opened the door, and handed me the play.
BILLY: Here you go.
ME: Oh, one more thing, cough--
I pushed at the door with my hand just enough to swing it open and reveal--
JEREMY: You've got to be kidding me.
--Liam.
He was laying in bed with the covers pulled up to his chin, like a sixteen-year-old cheating husband.
I was shocked, but I think I handled myself quite nicely.
ME: WHAT THE F**K IS THIS?
BILLY: Eli, calm down.
ME: I asked you to let him crash here once, not move him in!
JEREMY: I told you this would happen.
BILLY: You couldn't have known. This just happened today.
JEREMY: I meant I knew something horrible would happen if I showed up here. My life has become one, long episode of Army Wives.
I walked over to the bed and confronted Liam.
ME: How could you do this?
LIAM: Billy and I just bonded on a very spiritual level.
ME: Really?
LIAM: Yeah, plus he's got, like, a wicked good body.
JEREMY: Spoken like a true seven-year-old.
LIAM: Hey! I'm turning seventeen in, like, two months!
JEREMY: Annnnnnd I'm leaving.
He took off. I stayed behind, not able to take my eyes off Billy, or as he would now be known, Benedict.
BILLY: Eli, I promise, we didn't plan on this. Liam got kicked out of his house. He's just been staying here trying to--
ME: I don't want to hear it! You're dead to me! Both of you!
I made my dramatic exit, realized I had dropped my play, walked back in quietly, picked it up, and left.
Part of me was relieved. Now Liam was someone else's problem.
Another part of me knew what Jeremy meant when he said his soul was crumbling.
JEREMY: You smell like Burt Reynolds.
ME: It's my new cologne.
JEREMY: What's it called? Boogie Nights?
Jeremy was in a lameass mood. We met up at school to work on our scene for character study class.
ME: What's the prob?
JEREMY: Jackson.
ME: First house landing on him didn't take?
JEREMY: I miss him.
ME: You drove him to the train station!
JEREMY: I know, it's weird. I just got used to having him around. He may be a jerk, but he's still my brother.
I was going to offer some sage advice, but the closest thing I have to a twin brother is Zac Effron.
ME: We have to stop at Billy's dorm. I let him borrow the play.
JEREMY: Eli, every time I stop by Billy's dorm I end up finding him in some awful situation. Can't I just meet you in the theater building?
ME: It's a Monday night. What's the worst he could be doing on a Monday night?
I shouldn't have said that.
We knocked on his door, and heard a shuffling--
ME: That sounds like--
JEREMY: --Clothes being thrown on?
--Then Billy opened the door.
BILLY: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
ME: I need that play I let you borrow.
BILLY: Right now? You need it right now?
JEREMY: We're practicing our scene for class.
BILLY: Oh, uh, okay--hang on.
He shut the door.
ME: Wondering who he's in there with?
JEREMY: Nope, not at all. Don't even want to think about it.
ME: But--
JEREMY: Soul's crumbling, Eli, soul's crumbling.
He opened the door, and handed me the play.
BILLY: Here you go.
ME: Oh, one more thing, cough--
I pushed at the door with my hand just enough to swing it open and reveal--
JEREMY: You've got to be kidding me.
--Liam.
He was laying in bed with the covers pulled up to his chin, like a sixteen-year-old cheating husband.
I was shocked, but I think I handled myself quite nicely.
ME: WHAT THE F**K IS THIS?
BILLY: Eli, calm down.
ME: I asked you to let him crash here once, not move him in!
JEREMY: I told you this would happen.
BILLY: You couldn't have known. This just happened today.
JEREMY: I meant I knew something horrible would happen if I showed up here. My life has become one, long episode of Army Wives.
I walked over to the bed and confronted Liam.
ME: How could you do this?
LIAM: Billy and I just bonded on a very spiritual level.
ME: Really?
LIAM: Yeah, plus he's got, like, a wicked good body.
JEREMY: Spoken like a true seven-year-old.
LIAM: Hey! I'm turning seventeen in, like, two months!
JEREMY: Annnnnnd I'm leaving.
He took off. I stayed behind, not able to take my eyes off Billy, or as he would now be known, Benedict.
BILLY: Eli, I promise, we didn't plan on this. Liam got kicked out of his house. He's just been staying here trying to--
ME: I don't want to hear it! You're dead to me! Both of you!
I made my dramatic exit, realized I had dropped my play, walked back in quietly, picked it up, and left.
Part of me was relieved. Now Liam was someone else's problem.
Another part of me knew what Jeremy meant when he said his soul was crumbling.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
That's What Friends Are For
Hi, my name is Hank.
JEREMY: Who's up for a night in?
Aw, I needed a Jeremy slumber party.
Now that we've officially turned the city of Providence upside down by allowing all the gays to post to the Wilde Blog, why not relax a little?
Jeremy came over my house already armed with wine (for me), a cheese platter (for him), and the latest season of Weeds--for both of us.
Once we were three episodes in and all of the wine and most of the cheese was consumed, we started talking.
JEREMY: Hank, would you say that you have...you know...secrets?
ME: Secrets?
JEREMY: Yeah, from me.
ME: Jeremy, you know everything about me.
JEREMY: There must be something you haven't told me.
ME: Well...
JEREMY: Thought so!
He took the platter off his lap and set it aside.
ME: But what about you?
JEREMY: Ohhh nooo, don't change the subject.
ME: But if there's something you're not telling me--
JEREMY: Oh, I see what you mean. Okay.
He took a deep breath.
JEREMY: Hank...I...I...this is hard.
ME: Jeremy, I'm here.
JEREMY: I'm...adopted.
ME: Really?
JEREMY: Yes. And I found it out when my mother needed a blood transfusion.
ME: Jesus.
JEREMY: Now, what about you?
I swallowed my reservations, and told Jeremy my darkest secret.
JEREMY: Oh my God.
ME: Please just keep that between us.
JEREMY: Sorry, but I can't do that.
ME: Why not?
JEREMY: Because I'm not Jeremy.
ME: Wait, you--
JEREMY: I'm Jackson.
Oh no.
JACKSON: Way to knock back that wine, Stritch. I'm surprised you being an alcoholic wasn't your secret.
ME: You can't be.
JACKSON: But I am. And now we're going to talk business.
This was going to be bad.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Baiting the Tiger
Hi, my name is Ritchie.
JEREMY: Are we sure we want to do this?
I'm about to bait the tiger.
ME: You scared?
JEREMY: Antsy, I would say. I wouldn't say scared.
HANK: I'd like to make a note of the fact that I'm scared.
CARTER: Me too.
We were sitting in a studio at a local television station. Davis hooked us up after he hooked up with a local anchor.
Now he and Jeremy were sitting in front of the camera. This message was going to be broadcast directly onto Wilde's Blog.
NATHAN: We're ready to upload.
ELI: Guys, this is seriously crossing a line.
ME: You mean like how they crossed a line when they decided to personally attack us?
DAVIS: And turned the entire town against us?
BILLY: And have you read that blog? They don't even know how to use a semi-colon.
We all looked at Billy.
BILLY: I'm sorry, but that pisses me off. If you don't know how to use a semi-colon, then make it two sentences, okay?
Awwwwwwkward.
NATHAN: Let's go guys.
ME: 5...4...3...2...
And the lights were up.
PAIGE: Welcome to the first and only episode of 'Back Off, Bitch!' I'm your perky host, who happens to be single--
VOICE: PAIGE!
PAIGE: Shove it! And now, here are your hosts--Jeremy and Davis.
We cut to the Dynamic Duo.
JEREMY: Hi.
DAVIS: Hi.
JEREMY: We're your Weather Boys.
DAVIS: And have we got news for you.
JEREMY: And by you, we mean the Wilde Blog readers.
DAVIS: We want to share something with you.
First comes the truth.
JEREMY: The Wilde Blog has officially declared war on us.
DAVIS: Our group of friends.
JEREMY: A group of catty, bitchy queens.
DAVIS: And let's face it, what can we do?
JEREMY: We could throw ourselves on your mercy.
DAVIS: Beg you to not read what Wilde has to say.
JEREMY: But let's be honest, you won't.
DAVIS: If anything, you'll read it more.
JEREMY: So we've come up with another idea.
Then comes the twist.
DAVIS: We're going to open up the circus.
JEREMY: And let you all in the tent.
Get ready, tiger.
DAVIS: At this moment, we have a computer technician here at the television station working to make the Wilde Blog a public site.
JEREMY: You can all access and add content whenever you like.
DAVIS: And by the time Wilde figures out how to change that--
JEREMY: We think all you gays can do a lot of damage.
DAVIS: So go ahead. Snap photos of each other making out in the bathrooms at Prisms.
JEREMY: Blog about who gave who gnono.
DAVIS: Let everybody in Providence know who was getting head in the mall parking lot.
JEREMY: We'd love to take the high road here, but Wilde has blocked it off.
DAVIS: That means instead, we've chosen anarchy.
JEREMY: As of this moment--
DAVIS: And all you musical theater gays will appreciate this.
JEREMY: --City's on fire.
Cut. Print.
Work.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Like an Old Reflection
Hi, my name is Billy.
LIAM: I need to stay here for awhile.
I need to change my address.
Liam showed up at my door at around two o'clock in the morning on a Wednesday looking pretty upset. The last time he was here, he was unconscious.
ME: Come on in.
He had gotten drunk at a club, and Eli begged me to let him crash at my dorm.
When I woke up the next day, he had taken off without so much as a thank you note, and a pair of my socks were missing.
I didn't want to ask.
LIAM: I got kicked out of my house.
ME: How did that happen?
LIAM: I told my father to go fuck himself.
ME: Yeah, that will get you kicked out of just about anywhere.
LIAM: I hated being there anyway.
ME: So this is sort of a good thing?
LIAM: Except now I'm homeless.
He sat down on my bed and fell backwards so that he was staring up at the ceiling.
ME: Don't you have relatives or something?
LIAM: They all hate me. They're fucking douchebags.
ME: They must be, I mean, you're so lovable.
He didn't seem to be picking up on my clues. I sat down next to him.
LIAM: Would you mind if I stayed here?
ME: Here? Like here in my tiny little dorm room? My prison-like dorm room?
LIAM: I think it's kind of cool--in a confining sort of way.
ME: Liam, you can't stay here. I could get in a lot of trouble for having you here.
LIAM: Because you can't have guests?
ME: Because you're sixteen.
LIAM: That's considered the age of consent in Rhode Island.
ME: I see you've done your research.
Why is it criminals always seem to know the most about the law?
Liam sat up and smiled at me in a way I didn't like.
LIAM: How old are you?
ME: Too old for you.
LIAM: Eighteen?
ME: Nineteen.
LIAM: My last boyfriend was older than you.
ME: Who was that?
LIAM: Eli.
ME: He's not still your boyfriend?
LIAM: Not if I can stay here.
I jumped off the bed and moved as far away from him as possible.
ME: You need to leave.
LIAM: Billy, please. I have nowhere to go.
That was when I recognized something in him. The same quality I used to have. That desire to be tough and sexual when really you're so vulnerable it's scary. I didn't want him to get hurt, and at least if he was with me, he'd have a shot at getting his life together.
ME: Okay. You can stay here for the time being.
LIAM: Amazing. You rock.
ME: But if you so much as look at me funny; you're gone.
LIAM: Deal. But, um, what are we going to do about the bed situation?
ME: We're being creative.
A short time later, I was lying under the covers, and Liam was lying above them.
LIAM: Night, Billy.
ME: Night, Liam.
There was only one thing that scared me, and that was how much I liked having someone else in bed with me again.
LIAM: I need to stay here for awhile.
I need to change my address.
Liam showed up at my door at around two o'clock in the morning on a Wednesday looking pretty upset. The last time he was here, he was unconscious.
ME: Come on in.
He had gotten drunk at a club, and Eli begged me to let him crash at my dorm.
When I woke up the next day, he had taken off without so much as a thank you note, and a pair of my socks were missing.
I didn't want to ask.
LIAM: I got kicked out of my house.
ME: How did that happen?
LIAM: I told my father to go fuck himself.
ME: Yeah, that will get you kicked out of just about anywhere.
LIAM: I hated being there anyway.
ME: So this is sort of a good thing?
LIAM: Except now I'm homeless.
He sat down on my bed and fell backwards so that he was staring up at the ceiling.
ME: Don't you have relatives or something?
LIAM: They all hate me. They're fucking douchebags.
ME: They must be, I mean, you're so lovable.
He didn't seem to be picking up on my clues. I sat down next to him.
LIAM: Would you mind if I stayed here?
ME: Here? Like here in my tiny little dorm room? My prison-like dorm room?
LIAM: I think it's kind of cool--in a confining sort of way.
ME: Liam, you can't stay here. I could get in a lot of trouble for having you here.
LIAM: Because you can't have guests?
ME: Because you're sixteen.
LIAM: That's considered the age of consent in Rhode Island.
ME: I see you've done your research.
Why is it criminals always seem to know the most about the law?
Liam sat up and smiled at me in a way I didn't like.
LIAM: How old are you?
ME: Too old for you.
LIAM: Eighteen?
ME: Nineteen.
LIAM: My last boyfriend was older than you.
ME: Who was that?
LIAM: Eli.
ME: He's not still your boyfriend?
LIAM: Not if I can stay here.
I jumped off the bed and moved as far away from him as possible.
ME: You need to leave.
LIAM: Billy, please. I have nowhere to go.
That was when I recognized something in him. The same quality I used to have. That desire to be tough and sexual when really you're so vulnerable it's scary. I didn't want him to get hurt, and at least if he was with me, he'd have a shot at getting his life together.
ME: Okay. You can stay here for the time being.
LIAM: Amazing. You rock.
ME: But if you so much as look at me funny; you're gone.
LIAM: Deal. But, um, what are we going to do about the bed situation?
ME: We're being creative.
A short time later, I was lying under the covers, and Liam was lying above them.
LIAM: Night, Billy.
ME: Night, Liam.
There was only one thing that scared me, and that was how much I liked having someone else in bed with me again.
Friday, April 10, 2009
A Team of Rivals
Hi, my name is Nathan.
DAVIS: Can we call this little meeting to order?
ME: I've called you all here for one reason.
This may be the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life.
All the CBQ's were gathered around a table at Paragon. With all the fighting that's been going on lately, it was amazing I could get them all there.
How sad is it that getting my friends together was harder than reuniting NKOTB.
How sad is it that getting my friends together was harder than reuniting NKOTB.
DAVIS: Can we call this little meeting to order?
Ben was still M.I.A., and that's what made me act.
ME: We have to put a stop to this.
RITCHIE: To what?
ME: To the Wilde Blog.
HANK: You mean the Cal Blog?
JEREMY: We still don't know if Cal's writing it.
BILLY: Nathan, what are we supposed to do? We can't find Cal.
CARTER: We can't find Ben.
ELI: Some of us are dating high school students.
Silence.
ELI: ...And...you know, doing stuff...with our lives...
I stood up.
ME: Here's the thing. This website is out of control. It's gone from catty to cruel. We need to do something about it.
DAVIS: Like what? Call the Internet police?
RITCHIE: Leave their Facebook group?
JEREMY: Nathan, this is a valiant effort, but the only thing we can do is to ignore it and hope it goes away.
NATHAN: It's not going to go away! This is war! Wars do not just evaporate!
ELI: Except for the Lauren/Heidi war. That thing just went up in smoke. Sooo disappointing.
When I looked over at Carter, he was staring at his phone.
ME: Carter, could you please try and focus?
CARTER: I'm looking at the Wilde Blog.
ME: Dear God, Carter, we are going to drive ourselves crazy if we check that thing every other minute!
CARTER: Wilde just updated it. It has a photo of us.
BILLY: Great. What is it saying about us now?
CARTER: There's a photo of us eating at Paragon.
HANK: Wait, this is the first time we've all ever eaten here.
CARTER: It looks like the photo was taken a second ago.
ME: Let me see that.
I grabbed the phone and sure enough, there we all were.
The caption read--
'Catty Conspirators? Pick a better headquarters, Power Rangers. You've been shot--with a camera that is..."
ME: This was taken from inside--
I looked around, and saw a guy dash out the front door.
ME: He took that photo!
DAVIS: That means--
JEREMY: Cal!
We all jumped up and ran out the door after him. I hope they didn't think we were running out before paying.
CARTER: Freeeee meal!
Okay, maybe Carter actually was running out without paying.
The wannabe-paparazzi ran down Thayer, but Davis managed to catch up to him. He tackled him right in front of the Avon. I think some of the RISD kids thought we were doing a performance piece.
DAVIS: Well, well, well. Look who it is.
ME: You know him?
HANK: He was at the club the other night.
DAVIS: Shotboy Boy.
RITCHIE: Kind of a redundant name.
ELI: Nobody takes Eli's photo without consulting the publicist.
SHOTBOY BOY: Let me go!
Davis was literally sitting on him. Some boys would pay good money for that.
ME: So you're Wilde, huh?
SHOTBOY BOY: Don't be crazy. I just updated the blog.
BILLY: Yeah, the Wilde Blog.
SHOTBOY BOY: You think there's only one person who writes for that blog?
Oh no...
SHOTBOY BOY: It used to be that way, but a few weeks ago, a bunch of us got e-mails with a code to update the blog on our own. We just had to agree not to reveal that Wilde wasn't doing his own blog anymore. I guess he's moved on to bigger and better things.
HANK: That's why it's been updated so much.
ME: But why have you been attacking all of us?
SHOTBOY BOY: That was what we were told to do! I don't know what you guys did to him, but man, Wilde is out for blood. He gave us all your names and said if we didn't go after you, he'd go after us.
JEREMY: But now you have the codes to the website.
SHOTBOY BOY: He can change them. He does it all the time. We get new passwords every week.
This was horrible. There were probably dozens of little Wildes all over the city just waiting for one of us to do something stupid so they could post it and make us look like idiots.
And let's face it, with our group, that wouldn't be too hard.
DAVIS: I have an idea.
HANK: Someone call Anderson.
DAVIS: This little Shotboy is going to help us get some good publicity.
SHOTBOY BOY: What are you talking about?
DAVIS: When you get this week's password, you're handing it over to us.
SHOTBOY BOY: No way! Wilde will kill me!
BILLY: Do you even know who Wilde is?
SHOTBOY BOY: No, but that doesn't mean he can't get to me!
DAVIS: We're willing to take that chance.
SHOTBOY BOY: You can't make me give you that password!
DAVIS: Do you want to bet?
Davis leaned over and whispered something into the Shotboy's ear. His eyes went wide, and he started to shake.
SHOTBOY BOY: Fine. I'll give it to you.
Davis got up, helped the Shotboy to his feet, and patted him on the back so hard he almost fell over. Then he turned to us and smiled.
DAVIS: Well boys, it looks like we've got ourselves a plan.
I was happy to hear it. I just wasn't sure what the plan was...
Silence.
ELI: ...And...you know, doing stuff...with our lives...
I stood up.
ME: Here's the thing. This website is out of control. It's gone from catty to cruel. We need to do something about it.
DAVIS: Like what? Call the Internet police?
RITCHIE: Leave their Facebook group?
JEREMY: Nathan, this is a valiant effort, but the only thing we can do is to ignore it and hope it goes away.
NATHAN: It's not going to go away! This is war! Wars do not just evaporate!
ELI: Except for the Lauren/Heidi war. That thing just went up in smoke. Sooo disappointing.
When I looked over at Carter, he was staring at his phone.
ME: Carter, could you please try and focus?
CARTER: I'm looking at the Wilde Blog.
ME: Dear God, Carter, we are going to drive ourselves crazy if we check that thing every other minute!
CARTER: Wilde just updated it. It has a photo of us.
BILLY: Great. What is it saying about us now?
CARTER: There's a photo of us eating at Paragon.
HANK: Wait, this is the first time we've all ever eaten here.
CARTER: It looks like the photo was taken a second ago.
ME: Let me see that.
I grabbed the phone and sure enough, there we all were.
The caption read--
'Catty Conspirators? Pick a better headquarters, Power Rangers. You've been shot--with a camera that is..."
ME: This was taken from inside--
I looked around, and saw a guy dash out the front door.
ME: He took that photo!
DAVIS: That means--
JEREMY: Cal!
We all jumped up and ran out the door after him. I hope they didn't think we were running out before paying.
CARTER: Freeeee meal!
Okay, maybe Carter actually was running out without paying.
The wannabe-paparazzi ran down Thayer, but Davis managed to catch up to him. He tackled him right in front of the Avon. I think some of the RISD kids thought we were doing a performance piece.
DAVIS: Well, well, well. Look who it is.
ME: You know him?
HANK: He was at the club the other night.
DAVIS: Shotboy Boy.
RITCHIE: Kind of a redundant name.
ELI: Nobody takes Eli's photo without consulting the publicist.
SHOTBOY BOY: Let me go!
Davis was literally sitting on him. Some boys would pay good money for that.
ME: So you're Wilde, huh?
SHOTBOY BOY: Don't be crazy. I just updated the blog.
BILLY: Yeah, the Wilde Blog.
SHOTBOY BOY: You think there's only one person who writes for that blog?
Oh no...
SHOTBOY BOY: It used to be that way, but a few weeks ago, a bunch of us got e-mails with a code to update the blog on our own. We just had to agree not to reveal that Wilde wasn't doing his own blog anymore. I guess he's moved on to bigger and better things.
HANK: That's why it's been updated so much.
ME: But why have you been attacking all of us?
SHOTBOY BOY: That was what we were told to do! I don't know what you guys did to him, but man, Wilde is out for blood. He gave us all your names and said if we didn't go after you, he'd go after us.
JEREMY: But now you have the codes to the website.
SHOTBOY BOY: He can change them. He does it all the time. We get new passwords every week.
This was horrible. There were probably dozens of little Wildes all over the city just waiting for one of us to do something stupid so they could post it and make us look like idiots.
And let's face it, with our group, that wouldn't be too hard.
DAVIS: I have an idea.
HANK: Someone call Anderson.
DAVIS: This little Shotboy is going to help us get some good publicity.
SHOTBOY BOY: What are you talking about?
DAVIS: When you get this week's password, you're handing it over to us.
SHOTBOY BOY: No way! Wilde will kill me!
BILLY: Do you even know who Wilde is?
SHOTBOY BOY: No, but that doesn't mean he can't get to me!
DAVIS: We're willing to take that chance.
SHOTBOY BOY: You can't make me give you that password!
DAVIS: Do you want to bet?
Davis leaned over and whispered something into the Shotboy's ear. His eyes went wide, and he started to shake.
SHOTBOY BOY: Fine. I'll give it to you.
Davis got up, helped the Shotboy to his feet, and patted him on the back so hard he almost fell over. Then he turned to us and smiled.
DAVIS: Well boys, it looks like we've got ourselves a plan.
I was happy to hear it. I just wasn't sure what the plan was...
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
School Daze
Hi, my name is Carter.
BILLY: Do you have your song for the audition picked out?
It's musical time again at school.
MAX: I'm doing 'Tonight at Eight.'
ME: That's your appointment time?
MAX: No, that's my song, Carter.
Sometimes I think I shouldn't talk as much as I do.
We were all sitting around the Fish Bowl in between classes. I was more than in between; I hadn't gone to class in weeks.
HANK: I'm not even bothering with the audition. I've got enough to worry about with this stupid like Wilde Blog trashing me.
JEREMY: You're not the only one. They called me a fashion disaster.
MAX: Well then, at least they're not spreading lies.
Nathan came into the Fish Bowl looking worried.
BILLY: Hey Nathan, what's up?
NATHAN: Ben's missing.
JEREMY: Huh?
NATHAN: He hasn't been back to the apartment in two days.
ELI: Maybe he went on vacation?
NATHAN: During audition week, very doubtful.
Not another person missing. I couldn't do it anymore.
ME: Hey guys?
HANK: Not now, Carter.
ME: I'm--
JEREMY: Carter, please. We don't know where--
ME: I'm quitting school.
Everyone looked at me. I finally had their attention. Why does it always feel so good when when they look at me? Even when it's for the wrong reasons.
ME: I'm done. I can't do this drama anymore. I can't handle all the gossip and the craziness. I just want to be on my own.
Jeremy stood up.
JEREMY: Then go.
ME: Huh?
I was waiting for him to ask me to stay.
JEREMY: You know what? I had to bust my ass to get you back into everyone's good graces, and now you just want to leave when the going gets tough?
ME: It's just--
JEREMY: No, I don't want to hear it. Just leave. I'm sick of everybody saying 'Drama' and running for the hills. Look on the door, Carter. This is the Drama DEPARTMENT. This is what we do here. We lead crazy lives. We have insane fights. We make up. We go out. We get over it. If you don't want that anymore, I'm sure they'd love to have you in Accounting.
I didn't know what to say.
HANK: Wow, Jeremy, you went all Tyra.
JEREMY: Never mind. I'll leave.
He walked out the door.
NATHAN: I have class.
BILLY: Me too.
MAX: I have to go over my song.
ELI: I...uh...lunch.
HANK: I'm just leaving so Carter can reflect.
And then I was alone.
What have I done?
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
They Walk Alike, They Talk Alike
Hi, my name is Jackson.
RANDOM GUY: Aren't you Jeremy?
No, I'm Jackson.
ME: Can I help you?
I had just flown into T.F. Green, and I was a little windswept. I took the bus to D.C., and then turned around and came right back. There was no way I was heading back to Portland to live with the Tonya Harding Grown-Up Doll known as my mother and her psycho husband.
That being said, I didn't know what to do, but I figured I may as well recoup in Rhode Island. I just had to keep clear of my brother.
RANDOM GUY: Um, dude, you totally are.
Which apparently is going to be more difficult than I thought.
ME: We're twins.
RANDOM GUY: For real?
ME: Yes, for real.
RANDOM GUY: Bizarre.
ME: Not really. There are a few identical twins still left in the world.
RANDOM GUY: Like in The Parent Trap?
ME: No, that was just one person playing two people.
RANDOM GUY: I'm confused.
ME: Yes, well, storylines have a tendency to confuse the stupid.
I started walking away figuring my insult would keep him at bay.
RANDOM GUY: Do you know your brother is all over the Wilde Blog?
That stopped me.
ME: What are you talking about?
RANDOM GUY: Here, check it out.
He had the website up on his phone. It was...
"Fashion Disaster Leads Pack of Has-Beens Around Prov"
...not good.
"St. Jeremy was seen around town with Mr. Providence aka Mr. Herpes, John Davis, along with the Jolly Green Giant known as Hank, and Ritchie, who is in serious need of a haircut. Apparently these boys scared off some hotties from Prisms. All who witnessed it equated it to seeing an old man chase some soccer playing kids off his lawn. Can Providence get some new blood without it getting sucked out by these vampiric queens?"
ME: Vampiric is not a word.
RANDOM GUY: Yeah it is. It's, like, an adverb or something.
ME: See if Schoolhouse Rock has a website. You need some schooling in grammar.
I started walking back to the nearest exit. Wilde/Cal had gone too far. Nobody talks about my brother like that, whether or not he hates me at the moment for keeping our mother addicted to pills.
My anger was so overwhelming, I didn't even notice when I bumped right into--
ME: BEN?
BEN: Jeremy, what are you doing here?
ME: Uh...I'm...here to...see you?
BEN: Look, Taylor wants me to go to California with him.
ME: You're--wait--what?
BEN: I know, it's crazy.
Who's Taylor? California? What?
ME: Oh...right. No, it's...cool.
BEN: I don't know how you figured it out, but look...If you tell me that you want me to stay, I'll stay.
Then Ben would go back and tell everyone he saw Jeremy aka Me at the airport, and it would be--
ME: You should go.
BEN: Huh?
ME: I mean, it's a great idea. A new start.
BEN: Sooo, you came here to tell me to go?
ME: I just wanted you to have closure.
BEN: Oh...okay.
I gave him a hug, and started walking away.
Wow, I might have just caused someone to make the biggest mistake of their life.
...or Jeremy did.
RANDOM GUY: Aren't you Jeremy?
No, I'm Jackson.
ME: Can I help you?
I had just flown into T.F. Green, and I was a little windswept. I took the bus to D.C., and then turned around and came right back. There was no way I was heading back to Portland to live with the Tonya Harding Grown-Up Doll known as my mother and her psycho husband.
That being said, I didn't know what to do, but I figured I may as well recoup in Rhode Island. I just had to keep clear of my brother.
RANDOM GUY: Um, dude, you totally are.
Which apparently is going to be more difficult than I thought.
ME: We're twins.
RANDOM GUY: For real?
ME: Yes, for real.
RANDOM GUY: Bizarre.
ME: Not really. There are a few identical twins still left in the world.
RANDOM GUY: Like in The Parent Trap?
ME: No, that was just one person playing two people.
RANDOM GUY: I'm confused.
ME: Yes, well, storylines have a tendency to confuse the stupid.
I started walking away figuring my insult would keep him at bay.
RANDOM GUY: Do you know your brother is all over the Wilde Blog?
That stopped me.
ME: What are you talking about?
RANDOM GUY: Here, check it out.
He had the website up on his phone. It was...
"Fashion Disaster Leads Pack of Has-Beens Around Prov"
...not good.
"St. Jeremy was seen around town with Mr. Providence aka Mr. Herpes, John Davis, along with the Jolly Green Giant known as Hank, and Ritchie, who is in serious need of a haircut. Apparently these boys scared off some hotties from Prisms. All who witnessed it equated it to seeing an old man chase some soccer playing kids off his lawn. Can Providence get some new blood without it getting sucked out by these vampiric queens?"
ME: Vampiric is not a word.
RANDOM GUY: Yeah it is. It's, like, an adverb or something.
ME: See if Schoolhouse Rock has a website. You need some schooling in grammar.
I started walking back to the nearest exit. Wilde/Cal had gone too far. Nobody talks about my brother like that, whether or not he hates me at the moment for keeping our mother addicted to pills.
My anger was so overwhelming, I didn't even notice when I bumped right into--
ME: BEN?
BEN: Jeremy, what are you doing here?
ME: Uh...I'm...here to...see you?
BEN: Look, Taylor wants me to go to California with him.
ME: You're--wait--what?
BEN: I know, it's crazy.
Who's Taylor? California? What?
ME: Oh...right. No, it's...cool.
BEN: I don't know how you figured it out, but look...If you tell me that you want me to stay, I'll stay.
Then Ben would go back and tell everyone he saw Jeremy aka Me at the airport, and it would be--
ME: You should go.
BEN: Huh?
ME: I mean, it's a great idea. A new start.
BEN: Sooo, you came here to tell me to go?
ME: I just wanted you to have closure.
BEN: Oh...okay.
I gave him a hug, and started walking away.
Wow, I might have just caused someone to make the biggest mistake of their life.
...or Jeremy did.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Taylor Returns
Hi, my name is Ben.
TAYLOR: Pack your bags. You're coming with me.
Perhaps you don't remember Taylor...
--FLASHBACK--
JEREMY: Good morning, Ben.
ME: Um, I did something stupid.
JEREMY: Stupid like 'got a tattoo that says "I <3 Muscle Men"' stupid or stupid like--
ME: I slept with Taylor last night.
JEREMY: Oh, that kind of stupid.
Taylor was the first guy I had ever done stuff with, but we'd called it quits after I met Victor, the boy currently going to school in New York.
Try to keep all these gays straight if you can, folks.
JEREMY: How did you ever wind up at Taylor's?
ME: I needed to borrow sheet music from him.
JEREMY: Okay.
ME: Because I have that audition next week.
I was trying to get into the same school as Victor so that our blooming love could continue to...um...bloom.
ME: And Taylor offered to play out my part for me. That was at eight.
JEREMY: Uh huh.
ME: I just left there five minutes ago.
JEREMY: So instead of just playing your audition, he played the whole Ring Cycle for you?
ME: Victor is going to kill me.
JEREMY: Tell me about it. Not five minutes out of the closet and you're already a cheater.
ME: Don't call me that!
JEREMY: This is why I told you committing to someone when you're still dealing with your sexuality was a bad idea.
ME: I am not going to be one of those trashy gay guys who sleeps around and has one-night stands all the time!
JEREMY: So what did you tell Taylor?
ME: That this was just a one-night stand.
JEREMY: Excellent.
-- End of FLASHBACK --
Taylor ended up moving to California to pursue his graduate degree, and we hadn't spoken since that night. He tried calling me a few times, but I never responded.
Then Ritchie found out he was back in town, and invited him to stop me from putting the kibosh on Jeremy and Skyler's love affair.
Now here we were, at my place, in bed--some things never change.
ME: I'm not going back to California with you.
TAYLOR: But we obviously still have feelings for each other.
ME: Yes, I often feel like I want to rip your clothes off when I'm around you, but that's not a good thing.
TAYLOR: Ben, didn't being with me bring back any--
ME: Bad memories? Lots.
TAYLOR: You don't mean that.
ME: Look, you're leaving.
TAYLOR: And you're coming with me.
ME: Absolutely not.
TAYLOR: What are you staying here for? Ritchie says nobody likes you. You're living with your ex-boyfriend. You hate school. Why not just come with me? Even if we don't work, California might.
I'll admit--he makes a good point.
Knock, Knock.
ME: Shit.
I opened my door. Nathan was standing there looking all dressed up.
NATHAN: You forgot.
ME: Forgot what?
NATHAN: The party.
ME: Party?
NATHAN: Hank's birthday party?
ME: Oh shit!
NATHAN: I can see how it slipped your mind, what with the fornicating and all--
I started throwing my clothes on and throwing Taylor's clothes at him.
ME: Nathan, how much time do we have until everyone gets here?
Knock, Knock.
NATHAN: Not much.
Kill me.
TAYLOR: What's the big deal?
ME: I don't want Jeremy seeing me with you. He'll flip. He's convinced you're the reason I turned into an asshole.
NATHAN: Ohhh, so this is the guy who should be paying for my therapy.
TAYLOR: Look, I'll talk to Jeremy.
I needed to get him out of there.
Knock, Knock.
NATHAN: I have to get the door.
ME: No! I mean, yes! Go ahead.
Nathan left.
ME: Taylor, I'll make you a deal. You go out the fire escape, and I'll...I'll...I'll meet you wherever you want.
TAYLOR: And come back to California with me?
ME: I'll think about it.
TAYLOR: Fine. While you're thinking, I'll have a chat with Jeremy.
ME: YES! I'll go! Just leave for now!
TAYLOR: The Bickfords on Jefferson Boulevard. We'll go to the airport from there. Pack light. We can have everything else shipped out to us.
ME: GREAT! GO!
Taylor threw on his jeans and hopped out the window just as Jeremy appeared in my doorway.
JEREMY: Are you ready to go?
ME: You bet.
JEREMY: Did you start wearing Taylor's cologne?
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: It smells like the cologne he used to wear.
ME: You remember his cologne?
JEREMY: Who wouldn't? He used to drench himself in it.
He turned to go. It hit me. He might never really feel the way about me that I feel about him. He may never be able to trust me enough to let that happen. He notices too much. I could never live up to what he needs or wants.
I can't be Billy.
ME: Hey Jeremy?
JEREMY: Yeah?
ME: I'll meet you there, okay?
JEREMY: Okay. Why are you acting so solemn about it?
ME: Just...you never know.
JEREMY: Uh...guess not.
He laughed and walked away.
In my head, I said good-bye.
TAYLOR: Pack your bags. You're coming with me.
Perhaps you don't remember Taylor...
--FLASHBACK--
JEREMY: Good morning, Ben.
ME: Um, I did something stupid.
JEREMY: Stupid like 'got a tattoo that says "I <3 Muscle Men"' stupid or stupid like--
ME: I slept with Taylor last night.
JEREMY: Oh, that kind of stupid.
Taylor was the first guy I had ever done stuff with, but we'd called it quits after I met Victor, the boy currently going to school in New York.
Try to keep all these gays straight if you can, folks.
JEREMY: How did you ever wind up at Taylor's?
ME: I needed to borrow sheet music from him.
JEREMY: Okay.
ME: Because I have that audition next week.
I was trying to get into the same school as Victor so that our blooming love could continue to...um...bloom.
ME: And Taylor offered to play out my part for me. That was at eight.
JEREMY: Uh huh.
ME: I just left there five minutes ago.
JEREMY: So instead of just playing your audition, he played the whole Ring Cycle for you?
ME: Victor is going to kill me.
JEREMY: Tell me about it. Not five minutes out of the closet and you're already a cheater.
ME: Don't call me that!
JEREMY: This is why I told you committing to someone when you're still dealing with your sexuality was a bad idea.
ME: I am not going to be one of those trashy gay guys who sleeps around and has one-night stands all the time!
JEREMY: So what did you tell Taylor?
ME: That this was just a one-night stand.
JEREMY: Excellent.
-- End of FLASHBACK --
Taylor ended up moving to California to pursue his graduate degree, and we hadn't spoken since that night. He tried calling me a few times, but I never responded.
Then Ritchie found out he was back in town, and invited him to stop me from putting the kibosh on Jeremy and Skyler's love affair.
Now here we were, at my place, in bed--some things never change.
ME: I'm not going back to California with you.
TAYLOR: But we obviously still have feelings for each other.
ME: Yes, I often feel like I want to rip your clothes off when I'm around you, but that's not a good thing.
TAYLOR: Ben, didn't being with me bring back any--
ME: Bad memories? Lots.
TAYLOR: You don't mean that.
ME: Look, you're leaving.
TAYLOR: And you're coming with me.
ME: Absolutely not.
TAYLOR: What are you staying here for? Ritchie says nobody likes you. You're living with your ex-boyfriend. You hate school. Why not just come with me? Even if we don't work, California might.
I'll admit--he makes a good point.
Knock, Knock.
ME: Shit.
I opened my door. Nathan was standing there looking all dressed up.
NATHAN: You forgot.
ME: Forgot what?
NATHAN: The party.
ME: Party?
NATHAN: Hank's birthday party?
ME: Oh shit!
NATHAN: I can see how it slipped your mind, what with the fornicating and all--
I started throwing my clothes on and throwing Taylor's clothes at him.
ME: Nathan, how much time do we have until everyone gets here?
Knock, Knock.
NATHAN: Not much.
Kill me.
TAYLOR: What's the big deal?
ME: I don't want Jeremy seeing me with you. He'll flip. He's convinced you're the reason I turned into an asshole.
NATHAN: Ohhh, so this is the guy who should be paying for my therapy.
TAYLOR: Look, I'll talk to Jeremy.
I needed to get him out of there.
Knock, Knock.
NATHAN: I have to get the door.
ME: No! I mean, yes! Go ahead.
Nathan left.
ME: Taylor, I'll make you a deal. You go out the fire escape, and I'll...I'll...I'll meet you wherever you want.
TAYLOR: And come back to California with me?
ME: I'll think about it.
TAYLOR: Fine. While you're thinking, I'll have a chat with Jeremy.
ME: YES! I'll go! Just leave for now!
TAYLOR: The Bickfords on Jefferson Boulevard. We'll go to the airport from there. Pack light. We can have everything else shipped out to us.
ME: GREAT! GO!
Taylor threw on his jeans and hopped out the window just as Jeremy appeared in my doorway.
JEREMY: Are you ready to go?
ME: You bet.
JEREMY: Did you start wearing Taylor's cologne?
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: It smells like the cologne he used to wear.
ME: You remember his cologne?
JEREMY: Who wouldn't? He used to drench himself in it.
He turned to go. It hit me. He might never really feel the way about me that I feel about him. He may never be able to trust me enough to let that happen. He notices too much. I could never live up to what he needs or wants.
I can't be Billy.
ME: Hey Jeremy?
JEREMY: Yeah?
ME: I'll meet you there, okay?
JEREMY: Okay. Why are you acting so solemn about it?
ME: Just...you never know.
JEREMY: Uh...guess not.
He laughed and walked away.
In my head, I said good-bye.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
The Sluts Club
Hi, my name is Davis.
JEREMY: So is this our reconciliation?
ME: It's an attempt at one.
Jeremy and I met at Prisms. He was feeling depressed because he had dropped Jackson off at the train station earlier that day.
Hank and Ritchie met us there.
HANK: I'm sorry, Jeremy, but I had to do it.
JEREMY: You had to blackmail my brother?
HANK: He crossed me. Never cross me.
RITCHIE: Nobody's judging you, Hank. I blackmailed Ben this week.
JEREMY: You did what?
RITCHIE: He was going to ruin your date with Skyler!
ME: As if that would have been such a grave injustice.
Jeremy put his finger to his lips to get me to shush, just as Skyler appeared with our drinks.
SKYLER: Hey, Davis, I think some guys were talking about you at the bar.
HANK: Probably comparing notes.
I looked over to at where Skyler had been. The boys were indeed talking and motioning towards me.
ME: I've never seen those guys until now.
JEREMY: I think they're the newest Prisms Clique.
RITCHIE: They can't be the new Clique. The old clique is still here.
HANK: Who's the old clique?
RITCHIE, JEREMY, and ME: US!
That was when I heard the boys across the bar burst into laughter.
ME: Are they talking about us?
JEREMY: Davis, please don't cause a scene.
SKYLER: If you wait until I get drunk; I can help you beat them up.
JEREMY: Nobody is beating anybody up.
HANK: Jeremy, I think they're pointing at your haircut.
JEREMY: Let's do this.
We all walked over to the little group trying to usurp us. I could see them start to sweat.
I have that effect on people.
ME: Can we help you boys?
SLUT #1: I doubt it.
RITCHIE: What's that supposed to mean?
SLUT #2: Aren't you John Davis?
ME: Who else would I be?
SLUT #3: You're the CBQ's.
SLUT #4: The Passe Posse.
JEREMY: Excuse me?
SLUT #1: Look, we don't need any sage wisdom. So y'all can take off.
SKYLER: Actually, I could punch them now.
ME: I'll handle this.
I surveyed the four of them. It only took a few seconds.
ME: So what do we have here?
SLUT #1: A bunch of old guys trying to hit on some young blood.
ME: Young blood? You're older than I am.
SLUT #1: Uh...what?
ME: Don't let him fool you, boys. You can put those jeans on a thirty-year-old but it won't make him any younger. Keep using whatever face cream you're dipping in, kitten, it's working just fine, except for around the eyes.
SLUT #2: Hey, that's--
ME: You'll be a shotboy here in about two seconds. At which point, the only people who are going to go within five feet of you are going to be meth addicts and obese trannies.
SLUT #3: How did you know he was going to be a shotboy? He just filled out the application.
SKYLER: There's an application?
I turned to Slut #4.
ME: And finally, our Middle Eastern friend. Do you have anything else to say or should I just call INS and let them know an immigrant is spreading gnono in my home country.
SLUT #4: Let's bounce, guys.
They all turned and walked out the door.
ME: The CBQ's reign.
JEREMY: This is why I miss you when you're gone.
Nobody cheered, but you could tell they wanted to.
I'm still Davis.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
The Midnight Train to Portland
Hi, my name is Jeremy.
ME: This is it.
JACKSON: Famous last words.
I am saying good-bye to my brother.
ME: Jackson--
For what will hopefully be the last time.
JACKSON: Don't say it.
ME: Will you at least tell me why you're leaving?
JACKSON: It's personal.
ME: Is it voluntary too?
JACKSON: I should go.
I had taken him to the train station in Providence. He was supposed to be headed back to Portland, where our mother currently resides with her asshole of a husband.
ME: You actually want to go back there?
JACKSON: Don't be stupid.
ME: Then why are you?
JACKSON: Why are you pretending you're not happy to see me go?
ME: Because I don't want to end things like this.
JACKSON: We're brothers, Jeremy. We're not breaking up.
ME: The last time you left we didn't talk for a year.
JACKSON: Let's see if we can break our record.
He got out of the car and started walking. I parked in the nearest space I could find and went after him.
ME: Jackson!
JACKSON: I gave her pills.
ME: What?
He turned around, and I could see he was upset.
JACKSON: Our mother. I gave her pills.
ME: Wait, when?
JACKSON: Before I left to come here.
ME: For what reason?
JACKSON: I had been giving her pills for over a year.
ME: But Jackson, she's an addict.
JACKSON: And I kept her that way.
I felt like my legs were going to buckle.
ME: But she was doing so well.
JACKSON: She was faking it.
ME: And you helped her?
JACKSON: I gave her what she wanted.
ME: Why would you do that?
JACKSON: Because I needed money, and it was the only way she'd give it to me.
ME: She doesn't have any money.
JACKSON: No, but Christopher does.
Our stepfather--the asshole.
ME: You had her steal Chris' money?
JACKSON: She's his wife. It's not stealing.
ME: He would never give her money if he knew it was for you.
JACKSON: Hence the pills.
ME: That's despicable.
JACKSON: Not so sad to see me go now, are you?
ME: So you're just going to go home and what? Ask for forgiveness?
He laughed.
JACKSON: You think I'm going home? I had to flee. Mom told me that when Chris found out what I'd been doing he told his associates to find me and...
He didn't finish the sentence. He didn't need to.
JACKSON: So I have to go somewhere else?
ME: Where?
JACKSON: I don't know.
ME: Wow.
I didn't know what to say.
JACKSON: Paige told Hank what I'd done. He threatened me. He'd probably call Chris, but if you talk to him--
ME: I'm not talking to anyone.
JACKSON: But--
ME: You're leaving. I don't care where you go. But you're going.
JACKSON: But I'm your brother.
ME: I don't want to see you get hurt. But that doesn't mean I have to deal with you being here. Just leave. Get on the first train out of town. If Chris calls, I'll play dumb. But that's the last favor I'm going to do you.
JACKSON: Jeremy--
ME: Good-bye Jackson.
I walked away, the tears streaming down my face.
It felt like walking away from myself.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Cradle Robber
Hi, my name is Eli.
ME: I'm begging you to stop destroying my life.
Meet my new boyfriend.
LIAM: What's the big deal, Eli? It's just a prom.
ME: I'm too old to be going to a prom!
LIAM: Noooo, because Shelly McGinty's boyfriend is going, and he's like thirty.
ME: Then, he's, like, a pedophile.
LIAM: You should talk.
ME: Why? Is Shelly McGinty a sexually manipulative hellspawn too?
LIAM: Sticks and stones, bitch.
We were outside Prisms at 2am--and it was a school night. That meant Liam should have been home, but he insisted on going to 80's night.
LIAM: I have free period first anyway.
Much like he insists that we have a relationship or he'll expose me to the RI-TRI Youth Division and get me in major trouble.
LIAM: I am so hammered.
ME: You drank?
LIAM: I wasn't at a barn-raising, Eli. It's a club. People drink.
ME: This is a disaster.
LIAM: What is?
ME: MY LIFE!
That was when Liam fell into my arms and passed out.
ME: Oh, give me a break!
Fortunately, I have friends who stand by me in times of trouble.
BILLY: You're such an idiot.
Unfortunately, none of them answered their phones.
ME: Look, I can't bring him home like this. I texted his parents from his phone and told them he was sleeping over a friend's house.
NATHAN: Gotta love technology.
Billy, Nathan, and Ritchie came to pick me up. They'd been out at Slice and were only to happy to witness my humiliation. Liam was still unconscious.
RITCHIE: So whose house are we bringing him to?
NATHAN: Don't look at me.
ME: Nathan!
NATHAN: No way. I'm not getting in on your little kiddie porn ring.
BILLY: We can take him to my dorm room until he wakes up.
RITCHIE: Aw, that's so nice of you, Billy.
BILLY: I know how it feels to pass out and wake up in a strange place. At least a dorm room won't scare him as much.
RITCHIE: Until he sees your Josh Groban posters.
BILLY: Oh shut up!
Liam opened his eyes and stared up at me with this really sweet expression.
LIAM: Eli?
ME: You're going to be okay.
LIAM: I'm going to--
ME: To what?
And he threw up on me.
NATHAN: I hope you know you're cleaning my backseat.
FML.
ME: I'm begging you to stop destroying my life.
Meet my new boyfriend.
LIAM: What's the big deal, Eli? It's just a prom.
ME: I'm too old to be going to a prom!
LIAM: Noooo, because Shelly McGinty's boyfriend is going, and he's like thirty.
ME: Then, he's, like, a pedophile.
LIAM: You should talk.
ME: Why? Is Shelly McGinty a sexually manipulative hellspawn too?
LIAM: Sticks and stones, bitch.
We were outside Prisms at 2am--and it was a school night. That meant Liam should have been home, but he insisted on going to 80's night.
LIAM: I have free period first anyway.
Much like he insists that we have a relationship or he'll expose me to the RI-TRI Youth Division and get me in major trouble.
LIAM: I am so hammered.
ME: You drank?
LIAM: I wasn't at a barn-raising, Eli. It's a club. People drink.
ME: This is a disaster.
LIAM: What is?
ME: MY LIFE!
That was when Liam fell into my arms and passed out.
ME: Oh, give me a break!
Fortunately, I have friends who stand by me in times of trouble.
BILLY: You're such an idiot.
Unfortunately, none of them answered their phones.
ME: Look, I can't bring him home like this. I texted his parents from his phone and told them he was sleeping over a friend's house.
NATHAN: Gotta love technology.
Billy, Nathan, and Ritchie came to pick me up. They'd been out at Slice and were only to happy to witness my humiliation. Liam was still unconscious.
RITCHIE: So whose house are we bringing him to?
NATHAN: Don't look at me.
ME: Nathan!
NATHAN: No way. I'm not getting in on your little kiddie porn ring.
BILLY: We can take him to my dorm room until he wakes up.
RITCHIE: Aw, that's so nice of you, Billy.
BILLY: I know how it feels to pass out and wake up in a strange place. At least a dorm room won't scare him as much.
RITCHIE: Until he sees your Josh Groban posters.
BILLY: Oh shut up!
Liam opened his eyes and stared up at me with this really sweet expression.
LIAM: Eli?
ME: You're going to be okay.
LIAM: I'm going to--
ME: To what?
And he threw up on me.
NATHAN: I hope you know you're cleaning my backseat.
FML.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Hit the Road
Hi, my name is Hank.
JACKSON: Look what the cat dragged in.
PAIGE: Hank came over! Isn't that fun?
JACKSON: You invited him, Paige?
PAIGE: Yup!
JACKSON: Then I repeat, look what the cat dragged in.
Paige and I were having some quality time, and by quality, I mean drunk.
Now that the things had quieted down a bit, I could get back to my vengeance. Jackson was going to be on the next train out of town.
ME: Paige, why don't you go play in your room?
PAIGE: Hide and seek?
ME: Sure.
JACKSON: Try finding your dignity.
PAIGE: Haha--I'm not laughing at what you said. I'm laughing because you're gaining weight so quickly.
She left the living room.
JACKSON: I'll be going to my room too.
ME: Actually, you'll be leaving town.
JACKSON: Is that the same dream where you and Idina Menzel do scenes from See What I Wanna See?
ME: No, it's the dream where you have to move to Rhode Island because of some deep, dark secret that nobody knows--not even Jeremy.
I saw his smile drop, but he recovered fast. Not that it was going to matter.
JACKSON: Paige wouldn't--
ME: Not normally, maybe. But once I got her drunk--
JACKSON: PAIGE!
PAIGE: SORRY JACKSON! HE MADE ME DO IT!
JACKSON: I'm sure you've heard that one before, Hank.
ME: Guess what happens now?
JACKSON: I bribe you with sex?
ME: Not interested.
JACKSON: So--
ME: You're leaving. Tomorrow. Say your good-byes, and take a hike.
I started walking to the door, but he grabbed me.
JACKSON: Hank, please, I can't go back home. You know what I did.
ME: I don't care where you go, just so long as you don't stay here.
JACKSON: What about compassion?
ME: You tried running me over with a car.
JACKSON: That's water under the bridge!
ME: You're going under the bridge if you're not gone by tomorrow. How does that sound?
I walked out, and in the distance, I thought I heard him crying.
Oh, how sweet it is...
JACKSON: Look what the cat dragged in.
PAIGE: Hank came over! Isn't that fun?
JACKSON: You invited him, Paige?
PAIGE: Yup!
JACKSON: Then I repeat, look what the cat dragged in.
Paige and I were having some quality time, and by quality, I mean drunk.
Now that the things had quieted down a bit, I could get back to my vengeance. Jackson was going to be on the next train out of town.
ME: Paige, why don't you go play in your room?
PAIGE: Hide and seek?
ME: Sure.
JACKSON: Try finding your dignity.
PAIGE: Haha--I'm not laughing at what you said. I'm laughing because you're gaining weight so quickly.
She left the living room.
JACKSON: I'll be going to my room too.
ME: Actually, you'll be leaving town.
JACKSON: Is that the same dream where you and Idina Menzel do scenes from See What I Wanna See?
ME: No, it's the dream where you have to move to Rhode Island because of some deep, dark secret that nobody knows--not even Jeremy.
I saw his smile drop, but he recovered fast. Not that it was going to matter.
JACKSON: Paige wouldn't--
ME: Not normally, maybe. But once I got her drunk--
JACKSON: PAIGE!
PAIGE: SORRY JACKSON! HE MADE ME DO IT!
JACKSON: I'm sure you've heard that one before, Hank.
ME: Guess what happens now?
JACKSON: I bribe you with sex?
ME: Not interested.
JACKSON: So--
ME: You're leaving. Tomorrow. Say your good-byes, and take a hike.
I started walking to the door, but he grabbed me.
JACKSON: Hank, please, I can't go back home. You know what I did.
ME: I don't care where you go, just so long as you don't stay here.
JACKSON: What about compassion?
ME: You tried running me over with a car.
JACKSON: That's water under the bridge!
ME: You're going under the bridge if you're not gone by tomorrow. How does that sound?
I walked out, and in the distance, I thought I heard him crying.
Oh, how sweet it is...
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The Bitch is Back
Hi, my name is Ritchie.
SKYLER: So when is everyone else getting here?
Now that Murray is out of prison--and the foolishness with Billy is squared away--it's time for the old Ritchie to make an appearance--
ME: Oh...let's not worry about that.
--By doing some match-making.
SKYLER: I thought it was strange that I got invited to this party.
ME: Why would it be strange?
SKYLER: Because we've never officially met.
ME: Magic of Facebook!
SKYLER: Why am I here?
Knock, Knock.
ME: That would be the reason.
I went to the door and let Jeremy in.
JEREMY: I'm SO excited for Goonies night.
ME: You actually thought we were having a Goonies night?
JEREMY: Sooo...the Sloth mask I brought...?
ME: Unnecessary.
JEREMY: No Chuffle Shuffle?
ME: I'm not sure what that is, but I don't like it.
JEREMY: So then--
ME: Just come in already.
Jeremy walked in and I moved him into the living room where Skyler was already seated.
SKYLER: Oh great. Someone I know.
JEREMY: Hey Skyler. I'm going to need one second with Ritchie.
SKYLER: I figured that.
We had our time out in the kitchen.
JEREMY: What is this?
ME: Now that you're over Billy, it's time for you to move on.
JEREMY: I'm moving on! And I don't need your help with Skyler. We're doing fine. We go on dates.
ME: Where you zone out and phone it in because you're really hoping to get back with Billy?
JEREMY: So what are you suggesting?
ME: I'm suggesting you two hang out here tonight. I'm going out and you can have a nice quiet atmosphere to talk in without Paige and Jackson ruining everything.
JEREMY: I appreciate that but--
ME: Stop! Daddy's back, and that means no objections. I'll see you in a few hours. If you decide to get naked, do it in the laundry room.
I left the two lovebirds in the living room, but when I got out in the hall, I ran into another problem.
ME: You've got to be kidding me.
BEN: Next time don't make your status "Ritchie is...Fixing Up Jeremy!"
ME: Goddammed Facebook.
BEN: Is he in there?
ME: Yes, he is, and no, you're not.
BEN: Ritchie, Jeremy's love life is none of your business.
ME: You know, when I left town, you and Jeremy hated each other.
BEN: Things change.
ME: Didn't you two agree to be friends at the hospital?
BEN: That doesn't mean I'm going to hand him over to someone else.
He moved towards the door to my apartment. I stood in his way.
BEN: Move, Ritchie.
ME: No chance.
BEN: Ritchie--
ME: You know, I hate to pull a Melrose here, but I'm going to anyway. You go through that door, and you'll regret it.
BEN: Because Jeremy will hate me for trying to interrupt his chance at happiness?
ME: That and--
The elevator door opened.
BEN: Who's that?
ME: My insurance.
TAYLOR: Hey Ben.
BEN: Holy--
Never mess with me, kids.
Never.
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