Think Again

Hi, my name is Wilde.

JEREMY: I need talk to you.

That's right--Wilde.

BILLY: Sure. Come on in.

Just because Bart's off to the slammer doesn't mean the gossip train has been derailed. One season ends, and another begins.

Jeremy had just stopped off at Billy's to put an end to all the waiting.

JEREMY: Before I say anything, I just want to let you know that if anything happens--I'm going to keep talking.
BILLY: Okay.
JEREMY: I don't care if the phone rings. I don't care if someone knocks at the door. I don't care if a meteor hits the roof above us. I am going to say what I have to say.
BILLY: Okay.
JEREMY: I know you're going away, and I'm glad for you. It'll be a great experience.
BILLY: Okay.
JEREMY: Before you go, however, I need to do something.
BILLY: Okay.

He kissed him. That's right. Jeremy and Billy--the Big Kiss.

BILLY: Did you just kiss me?
JEREMY: Yes.
BILLY: So we just kissed?
JEREMY: Yes.
BILLY: Us.
JEREMY: I think this is when you tell me that you're really a woman.

Billy laughed, and kissed Jeremy again.

BILLY: So is this--
JEREMY: I want to be your boyfriend. I don't want to date. I don't want to try out. I don't want to give this any more opportunities to fail. I just want to be able to look at you and say 'this person is my boyfriend. This is who I love.'
BILLY: So--
JEREMY: Yeah, I think I love you. Not think, actually. I'm pretty sure.
BILLY: That's--
JEREMY: You don't have to say it back. But why bother having me pretend, right?
BILLY: God, now I don't want to leave.
JEREMY: Is that a--'Yes, we're boyfriends?'
BILLY: Yes.
JEREMY: Good. That means you can leave and everything will be fine.
BILLY: You think so?
JEREMY: Aside from the fact that I'm going to miss you so much it'll hurt, yes. That's what I think.
BILLY: Okay then.

Back to the kissing. While they're doing that, let's check in on Davis and his new lover man.

They're currently rolling around on very expensive sheets. Travis, the older and wealthier man that Davis ripped out of Ritchie's little black book, seems to like his new boy toy.

DAVIS: You like me, don't you?
TRAVIS: What's not to like?
DAVIS: Some say my sexuality broods too much.
TRAVIS: That's why I always have spare sheets on hand.

Travis got out of bed, and wandered into the adjoining bathroom.

DAVIS: Would now be a good time to ask a favor?
TRAVIS: No, I will not let you fly my jet.
DAVIS: I wasn't going to--You have a jet?
TRAVIS: Surely it hasn't escaped you that you're dating a rather...uh...I'm loaded.
DAVIS: And so good with words.
TRAVIS: What is it you need, Mr. Davis?
DAVIS: I need to find someone.

Travis appeared in the doorway of the bathroom.

TRAVIS: An old fling?
DAVIS: No, just someone who needs to be flung. Preferably off a bridge.
TRAVIS: Oh, a score to settle.
DAVIS: Do you have a problem with that?
TRAVIS: On the contrary, I'd love to get my hands on the guy who--what did this guy do to you exactly?
DAVIS: He tried to get the best of me.
TRAVIS: Tried?
DAVIS: Tried because once I find him, I'm going to get back as much as he took--and then some.
TRAVIS: What's his name?
DAVIS: Skyler.

Looks like Davis is on the hunt for his lost fortune. Ironic, considering once he has the money, he probably won't need Good Ole Travis anymore.

BEN: I want to go back.

Anyone up for a road trip?

NATHAN: We're not going back.
BEN: Nathan, I've thought about it. I belong with Jeremy.
NATHAN: That's too bad.
BEN: I know you're hurt by this, but--
NATHAN: Does Jeremy know about you and Eli?

Oohhh...

BEN: How did you--?
NATHAN: I know he's forgiven a lot, but murder's a whole different Scrabble game, wouldn't you say?
BEN: Look, you don't understand--
NATHAN: I understand that if you make me turn this car around; I'm not driving you to Jeremy's. I'm driving you to the police.
BEN: You think that I killed Eli and you still want to be with me?
NATHAN: I'm more forgiving than Saint Jeremy.
BEN: So you're going to blackmail me to stay with you?
NATHAN: This isn't blackmail, Ben. This is love.

Ben contemplated being stuck with Nathan for the rest of his life. Then he grabbed the wheel and spun it.

NATHAN: BEN, NO!

The car went right off the road--into a ditch.

JACKSON: That was decent.
HANK: Aw, you sure know how to sweet talk a boy.

God, do these people ever LEAVE the bedroom?

JACKSON: I'm so happy we made up.
HANK: What are you talking about? I still hate you.
JACKSON: Yes, but at least we're able to have sex now without being worried that one of us was going to smother the other with the pillow.
HANK: I was going to wait until after you were tired and couldn't fight back.
VOICE: Jackson!

The Boy Wonder threw his jeans on, and Hank did the same. Then they both ran out into the living room where Jeremy was standing--helping his newest house guest with her luggage.

JACKSON: This can't be happening.
HOUSE GUEST: Sweetie--
HANK: Who's she?
HOUSE GUEST: Jackson, aren't you going to give Mommy a hug?

Hope somebody put away the wire hangers.

CARTER: Do you really love me?

Carter, how many times have you asked that question and gotten a lie?

CARTER: Do you?
VOICE: Of course I do.
CARTER: Wow, and I love you. That's like--insane.

It actually happens once a week on Grey's Anatomy.

VOICE: So we can be together. We can tell everyone about it, too?
CARTER: Of course, baby.

Speaking of babies--

VOICE/LIAM: Good.

One's just grown up.

LIAM: That's just what I like to hear.

Someone left the crib unattended apparently.

Ah, how time flies. Months go by, and before you know it, you've reached the end of August. Jeremy must be so excited now that Billy's coming home.

JEREMY: Hello?

Then a little phone call--

DAVIS: Jeremy, what's wrong?

--Right before a nice dinner with Davis.

JEREMY: It's Billy.
DAVIS: Is he okay?
JEREMY: Uh...yeah.
DAVIS: So what's--
JEREMY: He's getting married.
DAVIS: MARRIED?

I think a trip to Florida might be in the near future.

Knock, knock.

Who's at the door?

RITCHIE: Hello?

Especially this late at night--

RITCHIE: Oh my God.

Are you ready for this?

RITCHIE: Is this a joke?
JOEY: No, Ritchie. This is no joke.
RITCHIE: But--
JOEY: Aren't you going to invite me inside?

Ritchie, you're about to be let in on a big secret.

Even bigger than this one--

VOICE: Paige, are you ready to go?

That's my new friend--

ADAM: We're going to be late for orientation.

We're both starting college in the fall.

ME: Coming!

I think it's going to be one hell of a year.

Till then, this is the new Mrs. Wilde.

Signing Off.

See You in September

Hi, my name is Hank.

JEREMY: Loaded up, ready to go.

Remember in the last episode of The Golden Girls when everybody cries and hugs?

BEN: Great. Let's get the hell out of here.

This was not going to be like that.

We were all bidding Ben and Nathan a fond farewell for the summer. They had decided to drive to their summer job in Illinois.

As we watched their car pull away, I did feel a pang in my heart.

That might have been the heat.

JACKSON: It feels like nobody's going to be around for the next three months.
JEREMY: Oh, come on. Providence is lots of fun in the summer.
HANK: For one thing, there's plenty of parking--since no one's here.
CARTER: It'll be warm.
HANK: You can wear even less clothing than you wear now.
DAVIS: I'll tell you one thing. Pride this year is going to be intense.
RITCHIE: Let me guess--they finally booked Clay?
BILLY: Well, I'll be gone in another week.

Everybody turned and looked at him.

JEREMY: You're leaving too?
BILLY: I got a job in Florida.
JACKSON: Doing what?
BILLY: Working at a regional theater.
RITCHIE: Be careful with regional theaters. They never pan out.

Jeremy looked particularly upset. Maybe that old flame for Billy hadn't quite died out yet.

JEREMY: So we just get another week?
BILLY: Jeremy, I'll be back in September. It's only two months.
JEREMY: Two and a half.
JACKSON: Give me a--
JEREMY: It's just a fact.

This was bound to get awkward. I tried to lighten the mood.

HANK: So Carter, slept with anyone recently?
BILLY: Jeremy, why are you so upset?
JEREMY: I'm not upset. Who's upset? I want a bagel. Anybody else feel like a bagel?

He started walking away from the group.

DAVIS: It would be nice if he could avoid being neurotic for at least a week.

Oh yeah. This should be a real summer of fun.

The Lakehouse

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

JEREMY: It feels like it was yesterday.

They say time heals all wounds.

BILLY: I can't believe he's gone.

Of course, I don't know who 'they' is...

NATHAN: It was a beautiful funeral.

There we all were--standing in the cemetery.

BEN: I've been coming here every day. I don't know why.

Minus one, of course.

DAVIS: He's in a better place.

First, Joey. Now--

HANK: I should have been nicer to him.

--Now this.

JACKSON: It's going to rain soon.

How did this happen?

CARTER: Poor Eli.

Time for a flashback.

-- FLASHBACK --

We were all at my parents' lakehouse a week after the shoot-out at Davis' place. Carter was nearly gunned down by the police, but luckily, due to litigious issues, they hesitated before firing away as I'm sure they would have liked.

CARTER: Guys, I'm going to do a cannonball!

Bart was going to be put away for awhile, but Cal was released on bail after questioning, and promptly disappeared.

HANK: Make sure to hit your head on a rock.

Summer was here early, and I think we were all happy to have a detox period.

DAVIS: You going swimming, Jeremy?
JEREMY: You know I don't take my shirt off.
JACKSON: Not without dinner, anyway.
VOICE: PINK LEMONADE!

I had made the unfortunate mistake of inviting Paige.

PAIGE: I feel like I'm one of the gang.
BEN: You know, some people try to get OUT of this group, Paige. I don't know why you'd want to get into it.
PAIGE: You boys are harmless.
BILLY: Except for those of us who turn into murderers.
NATHAN: Or blackmailers.
ME: Don't knock blackmail. If nothing else, it's effective.

That's when I heard Eli call out. He was standing on a small cliff overlooking the east side of the lake.

ELI: Hey guys! Watch this!

He jumped...

HANK: Show-off.

...But he didn't come up.

About a minute later, we were all jumping into the lake calling his name. Nobody could find him anywhere.

DAVIS: He's got to be here somewhere!
JEREMY: This lake is huge! He might have drifted!
JACKSON: Somebody should call an ambulance.
BEN: ELI!

We all shouted until our voices were hoarse, but we never found him.

-- End of Flashback --

I put a flower on the grave--a grave with no body in it.

DAVIS: It doesn't make sense. He couldn't have just disappeared.
JACKSON: Why not? Other people have.
CARTER: Poor Eli.
BILLY: Carter, you've said that a million times.
CARTER: Because it never stops being true.

I put my arm around Carter's waist, and we walked away together.

The Man with the Gun

Hi, my name is Billy.

JEREMY:  Davis, we need to get out of here.

The show is about to start.

Ritchie, Eli, and myself were driving around downtown looking for Davis when my phone rang.  Hank, Ben, and Jackson were at Slice where the big screen behind the bar was now playing the newest episode of "Bart Goes Wilde."

DAVIS:  I just spritzed my entire body with two hundred dollar cologne.  I'm not going anywhere.

Bart must have set up a live camera Davis' place, because everybody at the bar was watching.

BEN:  None of them should be there.  Bart could show up any minute.

JACKSON:  Maybe we should go--

RITCHIE:  That doesn't make any sense.  They just have to get Davis moving.

I had a bad feeling it might already be too late.

NATHAN:  Are you aware that the show is Bart?

CARTER:  And that Bart is Wilde?

DAVIS:  Oh come on, it's Bart.  He's not that kinky.

JEREMY:  You mean you knew he was coming?

Knock, Knock.

Everybody at the bar gasped.

DAVIS:  That's probably him.

JEREMY:  Davis, he's crazy.  He's the one who shot Ben at the pageant.

DAVIS:  I know.

ALL:  You know?

DAVIS:  I saw him.  I mean, I thought I saw Cal, but when Bart called me today--it was him.  He cut his hair like Cal.  He was wearing--

NATHAN:  We get it.  Spitting image.

JEREMY:  Why didn't you say--

DAVIS:  I thought I was going crazy, but now I know I wasn't.  Bart called today wanting a 'date.' 

CARTER:  He wants to kill you.

DAVIS:  Something tells me I think I can take him.

NATHAN:  This is a guy who has SHOT people, Davis.

DAVIS:  I have a plan.

JEREMY:  Oh God.

The crowd in the bar was getting bigger.  Half the people probably thought it was a reality show--but then again, everybody knows Davis.

He walked across his apartment and opened the door.  There was Bart--

BART:  Hello boys.

--Holding a gun.

ELI:  Somebody call the police.

HANK:  I'm on it.

ME:  Great.  Now this can turn into a hostage situation.

RITCHIE:  Let's hope Davis really does have a plan.

BEN:  And that plan involved Bart bringing firearms.

Bart shut the door, and the four guys backed up a few steps.

BART:  Did you really think I was okay with losing Joey?

JEREMY:  That's what this is all about?  Joey?

BART:  Maybe it wasn't when I thought I could get him back, but there's no chance of that now.

CARTER:  That's not our fault, Bart.  This guy Skyler--

BART:  Shut up!  I don't want to hear your excuses.

NATHAN:  You've been Wilde this whole time?

BART:  Of course not!

DAVIS:  There never has been just one Wilde.  It's always been something that's been passed around.  Bart just made that less of a secret.

BART:  Aren't you smart, Davis?

DAVIS:  After all, why would you report on your own boyfriend screwing around on you?

CARTER:  Because he's crazy?

JEREMY:  Carter, let's not call the man with the gun crazy.

Hank got off the phone with the police.

HANK:  They're on their way.

ELI:  Maybe if we called Jeremy and told him to tell Bart--

BEN:  He'd shoot them all and make a run for it?

ELI:  Good point.

Bart was pacing back and forth like a caged animal.

BART:  There's only one thing to do.

He pointed his gun at Davis.

BART:  You ruined my life, Davis.  Mine and so many others.

JEREMY:  So this is what you're going to do?  Kill Davis and let everybody watch?

BART:  What are you talking about?

NATHAN:  You put a camera in here.  They're playing all of this right now at Slice.

BART:  What?

DAVIS:  And at Prisms.  And--well, you get the point.

That was it.  That was Davis' plan.

DAVIS:  Hurt any one of us and they're going to play this tape at your trial.  They won't even need to use it for evidence.  It's pretty much a confession anyway.

Everybody cheered.

RITCHIE:  Now THAT's John Davis.

But Bart didn't drop the gun.

BART:  I guess in that case I've got nothing to lose.

He aimed the gun at Davis just as there was a knock at the door.

HANK:  The police.

Jeremy ran at Bart and knocked him down, throwing the gun onto the floor.

JEREMY:  Nathan, grab it!

Nathan ran for the gun, but Bart tossed Jeremy off him and rammed right into Nathan.  The gun went flying to the left.  Carter ran for it, but Bart was up and right behind him.

The door flew open as Davis was running towards Bart, knocking him out of the way.  The police came in with guns poised as Carter held up the gun.

That was when the police fired.

RITCHIE:  CARTER!

...And then there was silence.

A Live Show

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JEREMY: He's not answering his phone.
CARTER: Maybe he already--
JEREMY: Shut up, Carter!

The three of us were racing to try and get to Davis before Wilde did. We left Cal with the police back at the hotel, and then separated to try and get to Davis at any of the places he could be.

The trouble was that it was around midnight on a Saturday, and that meant Davis could be anywhere.

JEREMY: We're almost there.

Carter, Jeremy, and I were heading towards his apartment. Ben, Jackson, and Hank were going to try Slice. Ritchie, Eli, and Billy were going to drive around the downtown area and see if they could find his car.

It all felt hopeless, but we had to try.

JEREMY: I can't believe we didn't see it.
ME: Who could have known?
CARTER: Now it all makes sense.

Wilde. We know who Wilde is...

-- EARLIER --

HANK: I couldn't say anything.
JEREMY: Of course you could have! Now look what's happened!
BEN: Nothing's happened yet.
CAL: But it will.
BILLY: That's why he wanted to come tonight. He wanted us to see him one last time before he did something horrible.
ELI: That weird look in his eye.
RITCHIE: I still can't believe it. Bart is Wilde?

----------

Bart is Wilde.

Jeremy's phone rang.

JEREMY: Hello?
CARTER: Is it--?
ME: Carter! Be quiet.
JEREMY: Thank God. Where are you? Okay. We'll be right there.

He hung up.

ME: Was it Davis?
JEREMY: He's at my apartment. He and Paige decided to watch a movie.
ME: That's great. Bart doesn't even know where you live now.
JEREMY: I know, we lucked out.

Then my phone rang.

ME: Hello?
HANK: It's me.
ME: How can we help you, Benedict?
HANK: Not the time.
ME: Why?
HANK: We're at Slice.
ME: And?
HANK: I think you guys should get down here.
ME: Do you even care that Davis is all right?
HANK: I know he's all right.
ME: How?
HANK: Because I'm watching him right now.
ME: What are you talking about?
HANK: He's on the big screen at Slice. They're running a livefeed off of Wilde's Blog. Bart's narrating the whole thing.
ME: Narrating what? He's just watching a movie with Paige.
HANK: Oh? Is that what he told you?
JEREMY: Uh...

I looked over at Jeremy, who was looking at his phone.

ME: What?
JEREMY: I just got a text from Paige. She said she'll be out with friends for the night.
ME: So then--
HANK: He lied, because he didn't want to say what he's really doing.
ME: Which is what?
HANK: From the looks of it--waiting for some hot date to come over.
ME: Oh no.
HANK: Guess who I think that hot date might be?

I pushed down on the gas and the car revved forward.

CARTER: Nathan! What are you doing!
ME: We're still heading to Davis'!
CARTER: Why?
ME: Because that's where he is! And Bart's about to join him--on camera.
JEREMY: RUFKM?
ME: Nope.

We were about to make our final appearance on the Wilde Blog.

Cal's Story

Hi, my name is Carter.

BILLY: He's waking up.

We're about to find out the truth.

Cal showed up at the Banquet--bloody and raving--then passed out. We took him up to the room we were going to crash in at the end of the night.

NATHAN: This is so strange. Why did he pick tonight to show up?
HANK: He's a drama queen. He probably couldn't resist.
JEREMY: How did he get so bloody?
ELI: Is that even his blood?
BEN: We have to get the truth out of him before the police show up.
RITCHIE: Murray called them. They'll be here any minute. The only reason they didn't rush is because I convinced him it wasn't an emergency.
JACKSON: I don't think he was too eager for them to show up anyway. Cal's the reason he went to jail.

It was nice to have someone else be in so much trouble. Usually I'm the one passed out with a lot of explaining to do.

CAL: Ugh...
JEREMY: Cal, can you hear me?
CAL: I...I...
BILLY: Somebody get him some water.
CAL: Don't...bother.
HANK: Huh?
CAL: This won't take long...

-- CAL'S STORY --

Hi, my name is Cal.

VOICE: I'm Skyler.

I had just fallen out of a window.

ME: Nice to meet you, Skyler.

So of course, I needed a drink.

I went to Prisms, and that's where I ran into Skyler.

SKYLER: Can I bring you a drink?
ME: You can buy me five.

We started talking, and before I knew it, I had unleashed my tale of woe.

SKYLER: Sounds like that guy Billy is a real asshole.
ME: They're all assholes. All the CBQ's. A bunch of dickheads.
SKYLER: So stop talking to them.
ME: Easier said than done. They're everywhere. Davis especially. He practically runs Providence.
SKYLER: Wait--John Davis?
ME: Who else?
SKYLER: You and I might have something in common.

We went home together that night. The funny thing is--I don't remember wanting to.

I woke up the next day in my bed with a note that said--

"Had a great time last night. Wish you were there."

Creepy, right?

"PS. I'll take care of those CBQ's for you."

I had planned on laying low for awhile anyway, but not as long as I did. I wanted that slot directing on the Mainstage, and God knows I earned it.

Blackmail isn't as easy as it looks.

I couldn't resist keeping in touch with Billy.

CAL: You're going to pay for what you did.
ME: Cal, where are you?
CAL: You broke my heart.
ME: I wish I had broken your back.
CAL: I just bet you do.
ME: Stop hiding. What are you trying to accomplish?
CAL: Oh, don't worry. You'll see.

All I meant was that he'd be sorry when I was directing a show. I would have made him the star, but he blew it.

Then the bad stuff started happening.

I couldn't deal with it. I started getting drunk. I blamed everything on Billy and the CBQ's. When I found things were happening between him and Davis, I went ballistic.

I knew Skyler was responsible for Joey dying, and I rationalized that if Davis hadn't been such a jerk to Skyler, it wouldn't have happened.

But deep down, I knew it was my fault.

Still, I got off on scaring Billy. It was the only thing I had control over.

CAL: You could have stopped it.
ME: How?
CAL: You don't know what you set in motion.
ME: Tell me what's going on!
CAL: It's bigger than you. It's so much bigger than you can even imagine.
ME: If anybody else gets hurt--
CAL: Hurt? Are you kidding? Joey's dead. And he won't be the last one.
ME: You're responsible for this.
CAL: No, Billy. Trust me. You're responsible. Whether you understand why, or not.

Then I got the e-mail.

WILDE: You don't have to hide anymore. I can help. Meet me downtown at Kennedy Plaza at midnight. We can be each other's new best friends.

I went, and I met him.

I met Wilde.

----------

JEREMY: So who is he?

There was a knock on the door. It was the police.

CAL: Haven't you figured it out by now?
BEN: Guys, he has to go. The police are here.
CAL: I got into a fight with him before I cam here.
NATHAN: What did you fight over?
CAL: I knew his next target, and I couldn't let anybody else get hurt.
JACKSON: Who's the next target?
HANK: Oh my God.

We all turned and looked at Hank.

HANK: I didn't know. I didn't know that's why he--
CAL: Are you kidding? You knew the whole time.
ME: What's going on?
CAL: He told me, Hank. He told me that you knew who he was.
HANK: He said he wasn't the one who shot Ben. He said he wasn't there when Joey died.
CAL: He wasn't. I was. I knew Skyler was going after Joey, and I tried to stop it, but I got there too late. But the vendetta? That's all Wilde.

Knock, Knock.

JEREMY: Cal, who is he going after?
CAL: Haven't you guessed? Who's not here?

I looked around.

ME: Oh no.

Davis.

The Banquet

Hi, my name is Jackson.

HANK:  Couldn't find a date, I see?

Welcome to the Banquet.

ME:  Actually, I'm going stag.

HANK:  More like going--

NATHAN:  Hank!  We agreed we were all going to get along tonight, remember?

BEN:  It's going to be the last time we're all together for awhile.

RITCHIE:  I don't want to think about it.  It'll make me cry.

JEREMY:  Real tears?

RITCHIE:  Tears aren't sadness, Jeremy.  Empty glasses are sadness.

We all took our seats at the table.  The Banquet was being held in the ritziest hotel in Providence.  I was hoping I could be drunk before the entrees.

BILLY:  Hey guys, sorry I'm late.  Someone had to pick up their date.

HANK:  Couldn't find the right corner, Carter?

CARTER:  Not me.

BILLY:  Actually, not him is right.  I meant my date.

That was when everyone gasped.

ELI:  Bart?

BART:  Miss me?

JEREMY:  Bart is your date?

BILLY:  He just got back into town, and we ran into each other.

BART:  We grabbed coffee, and it was like old times.

HANK:  But you two barely knew each other.

BEN:  So you could show up for the Banquet but not for your ex-boyfriend's funeral?

BART:  Let's not drag the past into this.  If we start putting skeletons on the table, there won't be any room for the food.

BILLY:  Bart, why don't we get something to drink?

BART:  Great idea.

They walked over to the bar.  All eyes went to Jeremy.

JEREMY:  Don't look at me.

NATHAN:  You're just going to let him--

JEREMY:  Billy's a big boy.  He can do whatever he wants.  Besides, Bart's a nice guy.

HANK:  He was a nice guy until he went crazy.

RITCHIE:  Yes, well, having Davis steal your boyfriend from you will do that to a person.

ELI:  He had a weird look in his eye.

BEN:  Carter, how was he on the ride over?

CARTER:  He was okay.  He seems a lot more confident.

JEREMY:  Either way, he's back, and he used to be our friend.

HANK:  I never liked him.

JEREMY:  You never like anybody.

HANK:  True, but with him, it was special.

Soon the meal got under way, and then everybody began to dance.  I took the opportunity to snag a slow dance with Ritchie.

ME:  So do you think Billy and Bart look serious?

RITCHIE:  Billy never gets serious with anyone.

ME:  I'm still concerned.

RITCHIE:  Why?  Do you love him now too?

ME:  No, but my brother still does.

RITCHIE:  What makes you say that?

ME:  A twin knows, trust me.

RITCHIE:  So?

ME:  I want to help him.  I want to snag his dream boy for him.

RITCHIE:  Jackson, this is not something you want to get involved in, trust me.

ME:  It's not like it would be that hard.  They'd be great together.

RITCHIE:  I'm telling you--Leave it alone.

Just then, there was a crash.  We all turned and looked at the door.

RITCHIE:  Oh my God.

Bart wasn't the only one who decided to show up tonight.

CAL:  Let me guess?  My invitation got lost in the mail?

Cal had made his entrance--with blood all over him--and promptly collapsed.

ME:  I'll get the car running.  You get the Queens.

RITCHIE:  You got it.

Now we were going to get some answers.

A Summer Place

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: It's an amazing opportunity.

It's time to decide on my summer.

ELI: I say work. You need to make money.
NATHAN: This would be money.
HANK: Oh yeah, a stipend. You can finally buy that CD rack you've always wanted.
CARTER: I think you should do it. I'd love to spend all summer doing shows.

Everyone was gathered in the Fish Bowl weighing the pro's and con's of my two options: Go to Illinois to work at this theater as an intern or stay in Rhode Island working at the GAP and make major money.

BILLY: Your resume could definitely use some beefing up.
ELI: But there's no guarantee you'll get actual roles. They could have you painting sets and playing chorus boys all summer.
NATHAN: Which is such a vast improvement over retail.
HANK: Besides, you just got back from California, and you didn't like it. What makes you think you'll like Illinois?
CARTER: Because it's a different place! It's exciting!
ELI: It's dreary.

I looked down the hall and saw Jeremy and Jackson. They were probably headed to one of their exams. It hurt to know I'd probably screwed up things with Jeremy for good.

ME: I'm going.
NATHAN: You are?
ME: I am.
NATHAN: Yes!

I had to get out of here--at least for the summer.

HANK: I'm surprised you're happy, Nathan. Aren't you two going to miss each other?
ME: Hank--
NATHAN: Not at all. I'll be working there too.

Oh damn.

Going for Broke

Hi, my name is Davis.

ME: Take a knife--

I'm broke.

ME: --And plunge it into my heart.

There is no life left in me.

Once it hit me that Skyler had absconded with all my hard-earned money, I saw no more reason to live. That's how I wound up in bed with Ritchie.

RITCHIE: Davis, you're in your twenties. You're supposed to be broke.
ME: I'm in my LATE twenties. There's a difference.
RITCHIE: How much do you need to live off of each week?

I told him.

RITCHIE: I'm sorry, but are you independently funding a small village?
ME: Nice place. Nice restaurants. Nice clothes. All that costs money.
RITCHIE: Well guess what, Glam? You've gone SPAM.
ME: This can't be happening.
RITCHIE: Do you work?
ME: Yes, but...not a lot.
RITCHIE: Are you able to work more?
ME: Not...really.
RITCHIE: What is it you do for work?
ME: I'd rather not discuss it.

I take the Barney Rubble approach when people ask me about my job. It's not nearly as high-profile as I would like it to be, but it does keep me looking good--assuming I'm able to dip into my savings whenever I need to show off a little.

RITCHIE: So your show-off money is gone? That's not so bad.
ME: MY ENTIRE LIFE IS SHOWING OFF!
RITCHIE: Then you better start looking for alternative means of financing, sweetheart.
ME: Like what?
RITCHIE: Aside from work? I'm not sure. Use that scheming little brain of yours.

He got out of bed to go shower. That was when I noticed the little black book on his nightstand. I got up out of bed quietly and picked it up.

Inside were the names of men--lots of men, and little facts about them.

-- Good kisser; Med Student
-- Nice Body; Attorney
-- Hideous But Rich; Architect

Hideous But Rich, huh?

Sounds like my kind of guy.

A Poor Choice of Words

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

ME:  Do you ever plan on getting dressed?

BEN:  Why?  Getting sick of looking at me?

If you had told me a year ago that I would looking at Ben lying naked in my bed, I would have asked you who he slept with before I gunned him down thereby fulfilling my darkest fantasies.

Granted, this scenario is a little more pleasant.

BEN:  Why don't you come back to bed?

ME:  Because it's four o'clock in the afternoon.

BEN:  It's a Sunday.  You're supposed to stay in bed on Sundays.

ME:  Yes, but one of us is getting dinner with Davis, and he can smell sex for miles.

BEN:  That's because he's always within miles of a steam room or a brothel.

Ben tried playfully pulling me back into bed, but I resisted--not aggressively so, but enough to kick my self-control into gear.

ME:  We can pick up where we left off later on tonight.

I don't know what made me decide to go back to being with Ben after he committed the worst sin imaginable--sleeping with Davis.

It might have been the whole saving my life thing.  He threw himself in front of me to break my fall, thereby risking his own life.

I mean, I don't weigh that much, but still, that's impressive, right?

BEN:  Why don't we go away this summer?  I don't want to spend it in Providence.  It's a ghost town once Pride is over.

ME:  I was thinking of doing a little business venture this summer.

BEN:  Jeremy, you're a little old for a lemonade stand.

ME:  Actually, I was thinking of producing a show.

That made him sit up in bed.

BEN:  What show?

ME:  Angels in America.

BEN:  You're not serious.

ME:  Murray already feels guilty for not putting me in the musical.  I bet he'd let me use the student theater.  Nobody else does in the summer.  Then all I'd have to do is put up the money for the rights and put up some flats.

BEN:  And I could be Louis!

ME:  Yeah, and I could be Joe.

His smile disappeared.

BEN:  You want to be Joe?

ME:  Yeah.

BEN:  Oh.

ME:  You didn't want to be Joe, did you?  You just said you wanted to be--

BEN:  Louis.  Yeah.  Absolutely.  It's just that...

ME:  What?

He laughed a little.

BEN:  Jeremy, Joe is supposed to be hot.

ME:  Uh...yeah...and?

BEN:  And you're...I mean...

ME:  Are you saying I'm not--attractive?

BEN:  Attractive, yes.  Hot?  No.

ME:  Are you really saying this after we just--

BEN:  Why don't you play Prior?  He doesn't have to be hot.

ME:  That's because HE'S DYING OF AIDS, YOU ASSHOLE!

I kicked him out of my bedroom, and I didn't wait for him to get his clothes.

Thus--

PAIGE:  You might want to try that entrance again, Ben.  From where I'm standing, you're barely a grower.

Jackson and Paige were watching tv in the living room.  Ben tried to hide behind the kitchen counter.

BEN:  Jeremy, let's just talk about this.

ME:  There's nothing to talk about!  You told me I was too ugly to be a Mormon!

JACKSON:  In his defense, Jeremy, have you seen the son on Big Love?  I'd go to jail for that.

PAIGE:  I'd take second wife for that.  I'd Chloe Sevigny myself.

I threw Ben's pants at him and pushed him out the door.

BEN:  Look, we just got back together.  Don't screw it up by getting all upset over something stupid I said.

ME:  It's not that, Ben.  It's not the words.  It's the fact that you believe them.  You might be with me because I'm comfortable or I'm funny or a million other reasons, but you're not with me because you can't keep your hands off me.

BEN:  Uh, did the four hours of sex not counter that theory?

ME:  I'm not going to be your Nathan, Ben.  That's all there is to it.

BEN:  Jeremy--

ME:  Good-bye.

I shut the door.

JACKSON:  Next time wait longer to give him his pants.  I can't get the sketch artist over here for another half an hour.

PAIGE:  That's what camera phones are for, darling.

Jackson smiled at me.

JACKSON:  She's learning.

Aren't we all...

The Roofier

Hi, my name is Eli.

ME:  I know you're here, Skyler.

It was time to put a stop to the Roofier.

SKYLER'S VOICE:  How did you know where to find me?

ME:  Where else would you go?

The theater.  Where I had made a fool out of Joey in Skyler's show.

ME:  Why did you do it?

SKYLER'S VOICE:  Ask Davis.

I went in by myself.  The boys had agreed to stay outside in case Skyler tried to hurt Jeremy.

DAVIS:  Ask me what?

There goes the agreement.

SKYLER'S VOICE:  Don't remember me, do you?

DAVIS:  Should I?

I couldn't tell where Skyler's voice was coming from in the theater.  The entire place was dark.  I was standing in the audience and Davis just walked in right through the double doors.  Carter helped get us in the building--he's had to let himself into all the apartments he's been evicted from in the past.

ME:  Davis, you're right in the light.

DAVIS:  He won't shoot me.  That's not his style.

ME:  Davis--

DAVIS:  What's he going to do?  Pour a drugged drink on my head and hope I swallow some?

That was when the lights came on.

ME:  Oh fuck me.

Jeremy was sitting in a chair, blindfolded and tied up, on a scaffolding two stories up on the stage.  He was right on the edge, and the platform looked shaky.

Davis went running towards the stage, but Skyler called out--

SKYLER'S VOICE:  I wouldn't do that.

There was a noise, and then one of the platforms fell.

ME:  He has them rigged.

DAVIS:  What is this about?

SKYLER'S VOICE:  Let's take a walk down memory lane.

-- FLASHBACK --

SKYLER'S VOICE:  Prisms circa 2006.  I believe you, Jeremy, Ritchie, and Hank were all hanging out enjoying yourselves, when a young guy--new to Providence--approached you at the bar.

YOUNG SKYLER:  Hi, I'm--

DAVIS:  Not interested.

YOUNG SKYLER:  Um, I just wanted to say hi.

RITCHIE:  You said it.  Now you can leave.

JEREMY:  Guys, knock it off.  What's your name?

SKYLER:  I'm--

DAVIS:  Jeremy, if you want charity, go make an AIDS quilt.  I'm going downstairs to find my take-home for the night.

RITCHIE:  I'll come with.

HANK:  Sorry, kid.  Not your night.

--  End of Flashback --

SKYLER'S VOICE:  Jeremy was the only one who stayed and talked to me, but when I tried texting him the next day, he never responded.

Who knew getting rejected at Prisms could turn someone into a psycho?

DAVIS:  That's it?  All this because I didn't want to let you blow me?

SKYLER'S VOICE:  No, Davis.  All this because I don't particularly like gay people.

ME:  But aren't you--

SKYLER'S VOICE:  Yes, Eli.  It's the type of thing that can drive a boy insane.

See what I mean?

DAVIS:  Look, we just want Jeremy.  Then you can run and nobody will go looking for you.

SKYLER'S VOICE:  Sorry, Davis.  I want to make one more lasting impact before I go.

That's when I heard the platform release.  Jeremy came hurtling forward off the chair.

DAVIS:  JEREMY!

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of movement.  Before Jeremy could hit the ground, Ben was underneath him.  It wasn't exactly a catch, but Ben did break his fall.

ME:  That was way too close.

DAVIS:  I'm going to find that little prick and bust his head in.

VOICE:  Don't bother.

Ritchie appeared from offstage.

RITCHIE:  He was in the control booth, but there's a door leading into the upstairs hallway.  He's probably long gone by now.

All the CBQ's were in the building now.  They had swarmed around Jeremy.

JACKSON:  Are you okay?

JEREMY:  Yeah, thanks to Ben.

BILLY:  We should call the police.

HANK:  I already did.  They're on their way.

CARTER:  At least this is all over.

NATHAN:  Hardly.  He got away.

Nobody wanted to think about that.  So instead, we helped Jeremy up and made our way out of the theater.

JEREMY:  Wait, before I forget--

He kissed Ben.  I can't say it was the MOST shocking event of the night, but--

JEREMY:  Thanks for saving my life.

BEN:  Anytime.

JEREMY:  Okay, now we can go.

I guess that's a 'To Be Continued...'

Slice

Hi, my name is Hank.

BILLY: So Eli is the one who's been drugging everyone?
RITCHIE: Who else could it be?
BILLY: But he couldn't have drugged me. I was with Jackson.
ME: Maybe he was lurking around.
RITCHIE: All I know is that the girl at IHOP said she saw him drug Eli. That means he's responsible for Joey's death. That's all I need to know.

We pulled up near Slice and raced inside.

Eli and Nathan were sitting at the bar. Nathan was just about to take a drink when--

RITCHIE: No!

Ritchie swiped the drink out of his hand.

NATHAN: Ritchie, what--

But before he could say anything, Ritchie tackled Eli to the floor.

ELI: What are you doing?
ME: He poisoned Joey!
ELI: WHAT?
BILLY: And he sold me out to the statutory rape police.
ELI: Okay, that I did.
NATHAN: Poisoned Joey? That's insane.
BILLY: A girl at the IHOP saw it.
NATHAN: Sounds like a solid witness.
ELI: What girl at the IHOP?
RITCHIE: Skyler's friend.
VOICE: What about Skyler?

We turned and looked at Davis. He was walking into the club.

BILLY: His friend saw Eli poison Joey.
DAVIS: But that doesn't make any sense.
ELI: Thank you!
NATHAN: Why are you taking Skyler's friend at face value?
RITCHIE: Why would she lie?
DAVIS: Where is Skyler? He was supposed to meet me here with Jeremy.
VOICE: What did we miss?

Ben, Jackson, and Carter--now the gang was all here.

ME: Eli is the Roofier.
CARTER: Damn! I bet it was Nathan.
NATHAN: Hey!
BILLY: What are you all doing here?
DAVIS: We were supposed to celebrate me and Skyler buying Slice.
BEN: Where's Jeremy?
JACKSON: He said he was meeting us here with Skyler.
ELI: Can someone get Ritchie off me?
BEN: I bet he's not the first one to ask that.
DAVIS: Hang on, my phone's ringing.

He answered, and his face went white.

JACKSON: Davis, what's wrong?
DAVIS: Uh...

He put the call on speaker.

SKYLER'S VOICE: Hello CBQ's.
ME: Skyler?
SKYLER: I thought you all should hear this.
BILLY: What's going on?
SKYLER: I see my friend got to you at the IHOP. She's so loyal. Loyalty is important amongst friends. Loyalty and trust. None of which you boys have.
NATHAN: Oh my God.
SKYLER: I can't talk long. I'm heading out of town. Jeremy's sitting right here next to me.
JACKSON: No.
SKYLER: Oh yes. Except this time, his kidnapping isn't a drill. It's the real deal.
DAVIS: What do you want?
SKYLER: Oh, I got what I wanted. I just thought I'd let you boys know you don't have to bother forming a rescue party. Jeremy's going away for good this time.
CARTER: Why did you do all this?
SKYLER: You really don't know, do you?

We all looked at each other. What could possibly have made him cause so much pain and suffering?

ME: Skyler, if you let Jeremy go--
SKYLER: Nothing that comes after that will be true, and we all know it. Sorry about the business venture, Davis. Maybe next time you'll know better than to open a joint account with someone you barely know.
DAVIS: Oh shit.
SKYLER: Time to say good-bye.

There was a muffled sound, and then we heard a whisper.

JEREMY'S VOICE: Guys, he's going to--

And the line went dead.

DAVIS: Skyler is the Roofier.

Silence.

ELI: I told you it wasn't me.

Secrets at the IHOP

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ME: So what did we learn from this?
BILLY: Eli sucks?
HANK: We already knew that.

I picked up Billy downtown at the police station. Luckily for him, Liam's parents decided to back off once they got their little Lolita back home.

BILLY: Eli ratted me out.
ME: Why would he do that? He's just as guilty as you are.
HANK: In terms of being a pedophile.
BILLY: Hey!
HANK: Truth hurts.

We all went to the IHOP for a late-night breakfast. It was a little creepy being in there--the last place that Joey had ever eaten.

WAITRESS: Hi, welcome to the IHOP.
HANK: Paige?
PAIGE: Shut up. I need money.
BILLY: They're not taking anymore applications at the Hooker House?
PAIGE: No, but I hear the Bitch Barn is; you should apply.
ME: Point goes to Paige.

She took our orders and left. Then some girl approached our table.

SOME GIRL: Uh, hey.
HANK: We're not interested.
SOME GIRL: In what?
HANK: Whatever you're selling. It's 2am at the IHOP, honey. You can't be holding anything good.
SOME GIRL: I'm Skyler's friend. I was here the night your friend...
ME: Joey?
SOME GIRL: Skyler told me that he died. I'm really sorry.

She really looked upset. I took her arm, and she sat next to us.

SOME GIRL: I wanted to...I shouldn't say this, but...
ME: What?
SOME GIRL: Skyler had to run outside to smoke. Your friend went to the men's room. I, uh, I saw that guy he was with put something in his drink.
HANK: Eli?
BILLY: RYFKM?
SOME GIRL: Who's RYFKM?
ME: He's being stupid. Never mind. Are you sure you--
SOME GIRL: Yes, positive. He didn't see me, but I totally saw him do it. When I saw what happened with your friend--
BILLY: Thank you for telling us.

My phone rang.

ME: Hello?
NATHAN: Hey Ritchie.
ME: Nathan, what's up?
NATHAN: I'm just out having drinks. You are not going to believe this. I talked to Cal--
ME: RYFKM!
NATHAN: No, for real. He said that either the Roofier or the guy who shot Ben at the pageant--
ME: Wait, wasn't that Cal?
HANK: What about Cal?
ME: Not now!
NATHAN: Apparently, someone's impersonating Cal.
ME: This is so Kimberly on Melrose. Continue.
NATHAN: Anyway, Cal said one of us is either the Roofier or the Shooter.

If Eli put something in Joey's drink...

ME: Nathan, where are you having drinks?
NATHAN: At Slice. With Eli.

Shit.

ME: Listen to me, you need to--
NATHAN: One sec. Eli wants the phone.

That was when the connection went dead.

BILLY: What's going on?
ME: Billy, I think you might have been right about Eli.
HANK: Not another rescue mission.
ME: Get the pancakes to go.

It was time to avenge Joey.

Handcuffs (Not the Fun Kind)

Hi, my name is Billy.

LIAM: Can't we do something fun tonight?
ME: Liam, I'm tired.
LIAM: You're always tired.
ME: That's because I actually do things. School, rehearsal--
LIAM: Blah, blah, blah.

I was trying to type out a paper. It was almost midnight, and I was exhausted. Liam, as usual, had spent the day at the mall, then back at my dorm room.

He had no intention of going back to high school, or trying to reconcile with his parents.

I should have just told him to leave, but he does this thing--

LIAM: I'm bored. Want to have sex?

Yeah, that thing.

Knock, Knock.

LIAM: I'll get it. It's probably one of the barbecues.
ME: CBQ's.
LIAM: Yeah, whatever.

He opened the door, and I heard someone say--

VOICE: We're looking for--

SHIT.

ME: Hi Officer, can I help you?
POPO: Are you Billy?
ME: Yes sir.
POPO: And this is Liam?
LIAM: In the flesh, Stabler.
ME: Liam, shut up.
LIAM: But he's kind of cute.
ME: SHUT UP!

The officer did not look amused.

POPO: Are you aware that this boy is sixteen years old?
ME: Uh...well...
POPO: His parents reported him missing.

I turned to Liam.

ME: You told me that you and your parents had a fight!
LIAM: They did. They threw me out. It's not like I was going to tell them where I was going.
POPO: They've been worried sick. We got a tip that you were staying here.

It was time to cut my losses.

ME: Take him.
LIAM: Billy!
ME: Tell them not to worry about paying for things he broke.
LIAM: The only thing I broke was your headboard.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

POPO: Sorry son, but you're going to have to come with me.
ME: Why?
POPO: This boy is underage.
ME: What if I didn't know that?
POPO: I think you did.
ME: What if I didn't though?
POPO: Then you'd want to tell your lawyer.
ME: Why would I need a--uh--oh boy.

The officer took out his handcuffs.

POPO: You're going to have to come with me.
ME: Wait, this is some kind of a mistake.
POPO: No mistake.
LIAM: Don't worry, Billy. I'll wait for you.
ME: SHUT UP, LIAM!

The officer cuffed me--never thought I'd say that in my lifetime--and led me out of the dorms with everyone watching. It was completely humiliating.

As he put me in the back of the police car, the only thing I could think about was who would have tipped off Liam's parents.

Then it hit me--

ME: Eli!

--And the sirens blared.

Going for a Ride

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JEREMY: So you're not dead?

Ben is back.

BEN: Nope.
JEREMY: Terrific.

Jeremy backhanded him.

BEN: Ow!
JEREMY: Ow? We've been worried sick.
RITCHIE: Where were you?
HANK: We thought crazy blog people kidnapped you.
CARTER: I cried about it for awhile, but then I got over it.
BILLY: Good to know you're still pulling Ben's.
BEN: You can't call it a Ben when I'm the one doing it.
JEREMY: I could kill you!

Jeremy looked really upset, and I got nervous. Ben and I had just reunited, and I didn't want to risk him getting back into that Black Hole he and Jeremy called a relationship.

BEN: What are you talking about? You know where I was. You followed me to the airport and then told me to go!
JEREMY: Are you insane? I never--
JACKSON: Jeremy?

Everyone turned and looked at Jackson.

BEN: Are you kidding me?
JACKSON: I didn't know--I mean, I did, but--
JEREMY: You told Ben to leave?
JACKSON: It was either that or you were going to know that I was still here.
RITCHIE: Jesus, you people are like the cast of Falcon Crest.

Silence.

RITCHIE: Does nobody else get Soap Net?

I looked at Ben and could already see his resolve softening. Now that he knew Jeremy wasn't the one who told him to go, he would buckle.

So I decided to do a preemptive strike.

ME: Ben and I had sex last night.
BILLY: Was last night 'Bad Idea Night?' I thought that was next week.
ME: We're back together.
JEREMY: Great. As long as nobody's dead.

Uh...about that...

BEN: We're not back together.
ME: Excuse me?
BEN: It was just sex, Nathan. We weren't thinking.
ME: You piece of--

I wanted to grab a glass and break it over his head, but Davis got in front of me.

DAVIS: We already had a bar fight the other night, Nathan. I don't feel like getting kicked out of another sketchy dive.
HANK: Pretty soon we'll have no place else to go.
CARTER: We could go to Boston.
RITCHIE: Carter, we're from Rhode Island.
ALL: We don't drive.
JACKSON: Driving for an hour just to get drunk and make out. What do we look like--Brown students?

I'd heard enough.

ME: I'm leaving.
BEN: Nathan, don't.
ME: I thought we were finally going to be together for good.
BEN: Nathan, that day is never going to happen.
BILLY: In time, you'll see that this is like being told you'll never get syphilis. It's a good thing, Nathan, really.

But it didn't matter. I knew when I had Ben in my arms again that he was the only guy I could ever really love.

I walked out of the bar and got in my car.

VOICE: Lock the doors.

Shit.

ME: I don't have any money.
VOICE: I don't want money.
ME: Then what do you--
VOICE: Don't look in the rearview.
ME: Fine.
VOICE: You should recognize the voice anyway.
ME: Cal?
VOICE: Drive.
ME: Where?
VOICE: The mall. You can drop me off in front of Borders.
ME: Okay.

The mall was only a few minutes away. He must not have wanted to have a long conversation.

VOICE: You've been looking for me?
ME: Everyone has.
VOICE: Now you have me. What do you want?
ME: Why did you disappear?
VOICE: You know why. Billy spilled his guts, didn't he?
ME: He didn't say why you disappeared.
VOICE: I disappeared so I wouldn't get caught in the crossfire. You boys turned the entire city into a war zone.
ME: But you didn't know we were going to do that.
VOICE: I knew things were going to get bad.
ME: Did you know you were going to show up at the Mr. Providence pageant and fire off a few rounds?

He didn't say anything, and then--

VOICE: What makes you so sure that was me?
ME: Who else would it have been?
VOICE: Someone trying to look like me.
ME: This is all getting way too complicated.
VOICE: I'll uncomplicated it for you.
ME: Not a word.
VOICE: Should I get out here?
ME: I'm sorry. I'll shut up.

He took a deep breath.

VOICE: I took off because of Billy, because of what happened between us. I was just going to lay low for a little while when I got a phone call from someone who had a beef against all of you guys.
ME: Why?
VOICE: I'm not at liberty to say. Don't forget. I want to keep myself out of this.
ME: Fine. Go ahead.
VOICE: He wanted to do some serious damage, and he wanted to use the Wilde Blog to do it.
ME: What about the drugs in the drinks?
VOICE: That I know nothing about, but once Joey died, this guy--
ME: The guy who contacted you?
VOICE: He went berserk. He blamed all of you for not protecting him.
ME: But that doesn't make any sense. Was he close to Joey?
VOICE: This is where I get off.
ME: But--
VOICE: Look, you know the Roofier and the Shooter have nothing to do with each other, and you know that looking for me isn't going to help anything.
ME: So now we have two wackos out there who want to take out the CBQ's.
VOICE: Are you that dense?

He leaned forward, and whispered in my ear.

VOICE: One of them IS a CBQ. Now brake.

I did. He got out, and I sat there...

...Wondering what to do next.

The Not -So-Hot Body Contest

Hi, my name is Carter.

ME: There are hot people here!

I'm screwed.

RITCHIE: Carter, isn't that the point? It's a Hot Body Contest.
ME: But usually nobody shows up and then I win!
JACKSON: Looks like you're going to have to give up your title.
HANK: Tonight, Providence will crown a new Head Slut.
ME: You don't understand! I need to make rent money!

Now that I've quit school, I decided to be an adult and get my own place. The problem is, I still have the same part-time job I had when I was in school, and I'm having trouble finding another one, or a full-time job.

Plus, rent is due next week.

That's why I took Jeremy, Jackson, Ritchie, and Hank with me to Prisms for the Hot Body Contest. The winner gets two hundred bucks, and nobody ever shows up, so all I had to do was just shake my ass and walk off with the money.

MAX: Good turn-out, huh?

Max was the one who told me to come down and enter the contest. He hosts it every week.

ME: Max! There are hot people here.
MAX: Carter, did I not mention the name of the contest?
JEREMY: He was hoping for an easy victory, Max.
MAX: Maybe if he hadn't already won five times.
JACKSON: Carter, you've won this contest five times before?
ME: I like to milk it.
HANK: You should get that on a t-shirt.

That was when Max got that scary smile on his face.

MAX: You know, a new person would have a lot more luck than you, Carter.
ME: What do you--Ohhh...
MAX: Like, for example, Providence's Resident Saint?
JEREMY: No way.
MAX: Hank?
HANK: I'd rather eat my own eyeballs.
ME: Ritchie?
RITCHIE: I've actually won twice already.

Silence.

RITCHIE: Hey, Carter's not the only one who's had to pay rent.

The only one left was--

JACKSON: I'll do it.
ME: You will?
MAX: Great. That makes five. Now we have a quorum.
HANK: There are quorums on Hot Body Contests?
MAX: I take my job very seriously, Hank.
HANK: This from a man wearing platforms.
MAX: See you in a few, Jackson.

Great! Now I wouldn't have to strip and I could still pay rent!

...As long as Jackson won.

ME: You have to show peen.
JACKSON: What? No!
ME: That's the only surefire way to win.
JACKSON: Believe it or not, Carter, some of us still remember the age old art of burlesque.
JEREMY: Hate to rain on your parade, Gypsy, but I don't want you doing this contest.
JACKSON: Why not?
JEREMY: In case you've forgotten, we're twins. People seeing you naked is like people seeing me naked.
HANK: In that case, all your friends have seen you naked, Jeremy.
JACKSON: Excuse me, but only one of us does one hundred sit-ups every morning. Trust me, boys, I got a much better show going on underneath these clothes.
VOICE: All contestants in the Hot Body Contest! Come on up!
JACKSON: Wish me luck.

Jackson and four other guys went up to the front of the stage. The music started playing and the first guy started to strip.

JEREMY: I'm mortified.
RITCHIE: So am I. I can barely see anything. I wish that drag queen hadn't opted for the Marge Simpson wig.
HANK: I think that guy was an altar boy at my church.
JEREMY: Was or is?
ME: COME ON, JACKSON!

Just as the music started for Jackson, Davis strolled into the club, and got Jackson's shirt thrown over his face.

DAVIS: That's okay. I've been wanting to shave off my nose.
HANK: Like you didn't love it.
DAVIS: Carter, I thought you were entering the contest?
ME: Jackson is trying to win for me.
JEREMY: Carter, do you realize that you never made any agreement with Jackson in the event that he does win?
ME: Yeah, but Jackson wouldn't just--
DAVIS: Keep the money?
HANK: Wow, a new level of dumb. Somebody ring a bell.
RITCHIE: I'd like to ring a gong. Guy number five is HIDEOUS.

Three guys got eliminated and then it was just Jackson and this hot dancer guy in town with the tour of Kiss Me, Kate.

RITCHIE: I wouldn't mind kissing his--
JEREMY: Ritchie!
ME: Show it, Jackson! It's the only way.

They started the music, and the two of them had a strip-off. Both got down to their underwear, but at the last minute, KMK Boy showed it all.

HANK: My oh my, what would Cole Porter say?
RITCHIE: He'd say meet me in my stagecoach in five.
JEREMY: Then he'd write a song about it for Ethel Merman.

Max was getting the audience under control.

MAX: All right, it's time to see who our winner is--is it Tobey?

KMK Boy got some loud applause--

MAX: Or is it Jackson?

--But Jackson's blew his out of the water.

MAX: We have a winner--Jackson!

I started looking for the cash before Jackson could take it.

MAX: Care to make a speech, Jackson?
JACKSON: I'd rather spend the time making out with the guy I just beat.
MAX: Tobey?
TOBEY: I'm down.
MAX: Look at that! Everybody's a winner.
JEREMY: Except for good taste.
DAVIS: Uh--Jeremy?

We all turned and looked towards the door.

MAX: But wait, do we have a last-minute challenger?
RITCHIE: No, we do not, but we do have--
JEREMY: Ben?

There was Ben--holding hands with Nathan.

HANK: Somebody's got some explaining to do.

Jackson F**ked Your Boyfriend

Hi, my name is Jackson.

SLUTTY GAY #1: Do you think the CBQ's are going to show up tonight?
SLUTTY GAY #2: Not if they know what's good for them.

I'm incognito.

Prisms was having their annual May Flowers party, and all of Providence was in attendance--minus my brother and his band of merry men.

I was dressed in a pulled down cap and sunglasses to avoid being noticed. I should have avoided the night altogether, but after spending so much time hidden away in a cheap motel in Warwick, I needed a night on the town.

The gays had gone crazy since Jeremy and Davis opened up the floodgates on the Wilde Blog. People were posting incriminating photos left and right, and most of the time the site crashed due to so many people logging onto it.

Needless to say, the Slutty Gays were not happy with the CBQ's for helping to air all their dirty laundry.

SLUTTY GAY #3: Like I should be embarrassed that I made out with that guy from Sesame Street Live?
SLUTTY GAY #4: Yeah, but he was still wearing the Elmo costume.
SLUTTY GAY #3: I know! Tell me that's not hot!
SLUTTY GAY #5: Hey guys, look who decided to show up.

I looked over at the door, and in they walked--Jeremy, Davis, Ritchie, Hank, Billy, and Carter.

To be honest, I missed them. Having a posse is fun.

The Slutty Gays wasted no time.

SLUTTY GAY #1: Look what the catty dragged in.
RITCHIE: Look who can make a pun. What's next? Similes? Onomatopoeia?
SLUTTY GAY #1: Eww! I'm not into that.

Slutty Gay #2 approached my brother. I felt my hair bristle--or what I would imagine bristling feels like.

SLUTTY GAY #2: You think you're clever, don't you?
JEREMY: I think I'm whimsical. I don't know about clever.
SLUTTY GAY #2: But see, your little plan didn't work, because people still think the same thing about you that they thought before.
JEREMY: Which is what?
SLUTTY GAY #2: That you're a snobby little fuck who can't get laid.

I made a fist, but stayed where I was. Davis was with Jeremy, and usually he could handle this sort of thing pretty well.

DAVIS: Why don't you say that again?
SLUTTY GAY #2: I said--

But before he could get the words out, Davis socked him in the jaw. Before the guy could get up, Davis was on top of him. Slutty Gay #3 tried pulling him off, but Ritchie kicked him the stomach. One of the other gays picked up a bottle and went to hit Davis over the head, but Hank picked him up by the back of his shirt and flung him across the bar. Jeremy was shouting at Davis to stop, but the rest of the bar was egging him on.

Finally, two of the bartenders broke it up and got Davis and most of the other guys out of the bar.

SLUTTY GAY #5: Great. Now they're banned. Maybe we can get some attractive people in here now.
JEREMY: You piece of--
BILLY: Jeremy, let's just go.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Yeah, run and hide.
JEREMY: At least we have somewhere else we can go. We don't have to hang out at bars every night of the week.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Yeah? Well...at least I have a boyfriend.

That's what did it. Not because I was pissed, but because the opportunity was just too good to pass up.

ME: Excuse me?

I took off my hat and my sunglasses. My hair may have been tussled, but that probably made me look even hotter.

Jeremy and Billy looked like they were going to fall on the floor when they saw me, but I didn't give them a chance to say anything.

ME: Your boyfriend?
SLUTTY GAY #5: Oh look, Tamera decided to show up.
ME: Did you say something about your boyfriend?
SLUTTY GAY #5: Yeah, maybe you know him. Nieno, hottest bartender in the city--
ME: Oh, I know him.

I looked around to make sure everyone was listening, and sure enough--

SLUTTY GAY #5: I'll tell him you said hi.
ME: Better yet. I'll ask him. The next time I fuck him.

Gasps all around.

SLUTTY GAY #5: What did you say?
ME: I fucked your boyfriend. Did you know that? Were you aware?
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up. Nobody's--
ME: I fucked him immediately upon arriving into town, but we've been meeting up ever since. So I hope you haven't been dating that long.
SLUTTY GAY #5: You're lying.
ME: He has a picture of Channing Tatum hung up over his bed. He has t-shirts flung all over his very nice oak dresser. And he has a hell of a squeaky mattress.

I heard a few people laugh. The Slutty Gays remaining looked too scared to jump in. This is what living in a gossip regime does; it makes people fear standing up for even their best friends. Luckily, I do just fine in regimes. Hell, I was raised in one.

ME: I fucked him just last week as a matter of fact.
SLUTTY GAY #5: He--
ME: Worked all week? Yeah, no. And the week before.
SLUTTY GAY #5: He was--
ME: House-sitting for you? I'm aware. Your bed doesn't squeak nearly as much as his.

The Slutty Gay looked like he was going to cry. That's my favorite part of any fight.

ME: God, he's good. Hard.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up.
ME: Long.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up.
ME: Sweaty.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Shut up.
ME: Dirty. Nasty. Vocal. And it falls slightly to the right...doesn't it?

Now there was applause. Jeremy even laughed a little.

ME: Your boyfriend let me do things to him you're never going to do.
SLUTTY GAY #5: We're moving in together.
ME: NEVER.
SLUTTY GAY #5: He makes me soup when I'm sick!
ME: Well, then give the victory to you. You win. You have him in a relationship. Kudos. I mea, I wouldn't date him. Would any of you?

They all yelled 'No,' but they all would. Right now, they just wanted a show.

ME: I wouldn't date him because I'm not some dumb little twink he can play mind games with and win, but that's just me.
SLUTTY GAY #5: Please stop.

I felt Billy put a hand on my shoulder.

BILLY: Jackson, that's enough.

But I wasn't done.

ME: Does he make you feel special? Does he stroke your cheek and call you beautiful? Does he validate you? Does he satisfy your Daddy issues, your gold-digging nature, and your rapidly deteriorating mental capacity? Or does he just supply the meth?
BILLY: Okay--
ME: Does he make you feel like less of a gumball whore? Twist and pull, and candy pops out? Because he won't date just anyone, right? He's picky. He doesn't just care about having a consistent sex toy when the other booty calls don't text back.
SLUTTY GAY #5: We...talk.
ME: Oh, I'm sure you two have TONS of, like, wicked good conversation.

Now for the knife.

ME: Hey! I still have his number. Maybe I should text him and see how long before he's at my door waiting to be let in.

Carter came rushing in.

CARTER: Guys, let's go. Someone called the police.

Slutty Gay #5 had tears streaming down his face. I just smiled.

ME: The next time you want to say something to my brother, you try saying it to me instead. It should be easy. We look enough alike. Before you do, though, remember this. I fucked your boyfriend. I fucked him for hours, days, whole weekends, eons--and he still sends me cute little texts asking for more.

I turned around and addressed the rest of the club. The ones who turned on the Jeremy and everyone else as soon as the going got rough.

ME: Oh, and I fucked you. And you, too. And your best friend. You, over there, I fucked your ex-boyfriend. And the guy next to you? I fucked him and all of his ex-boyfriends. They said he all sucked in bed. I fucked the guys who won't return your phone calls. I fucked your fantasies. Your wildest dreams. But remember something, I am your nightmare. Because once I've fucked you, that's it. You can say whatever you want about me, but once I've fucked you, really, what does it matter what you say? I've already won. Post that on your little blogs, assholes.

I grabbed Jeremy's arm and headed for the door with Carter and Billy right behind us. It was hard to look at my brother, so instead I just asked--

ME: Anything you want to say?

Silence.

JEREMY: What took you so long?

I'm baaaack.

They Know How to Do It in L.A.

Hi, my name is--

NATHAN:  Ben?

I just got home.

NATHAN:  Thank God, we were worried sick about you.

ME:  Nathan, I...I need to...

NATHAN:  What's wrong?

But I couldn't say it.  It hadn't been that long, but it felt like forever.  Now here I was, at the doorstep of yet another person whose heart I had broken.

And now breaking hearts seemed like nothing compared to what I've done.

Nathan and I went into the living room and sat down.

ME:  I went to California.

NATHAN:  We thought maybe Wilde--

ME:  No, nothing like that.

NATHAN:  Did something happen there?

ME:  It was Taylor...

NATHAN:  I knew that guy was bad news.

ME:  He's dead.

You always mean to say things like that more delicately, but then--

NATHAN:  Dead?

ME:  Nathan--

NATHAN:  What the hell are you talking about?

ME:  I can't tell you what happened.  It's for your own good.

NATHAN:  Fuck, Ben, when did our lives turn into Guiding Light?

ME:  Is that a show?

Nathan stood up and started pacing.

ME:  I know I shouldn't have burdened you with this.

NATHAN:  With what?  You haven't told me--

ME:  And I can't.  We just have to act like nothing happened.

NATHAN:  Are you in trouble?

ME:  Not that I'm aware of, but if I am, it'll only be if I go back to California.  I should be safe here.  That's why I came home.

He looked hurt.

NATHAN:  Not because of...anyone?

ME:  I'm sorry, Nathan.  I'm so sorry for everything.  I promise.  Everything.

On the word 'promise,' I started to cry.  Nathan sat down next to me and I buried my face in his shirt.  The next thing I knew, we were kissing, and then...

Well...

NATHAN:  Promise you'll never leave me again.

ME:  I promise.

But if there's one thing I know now, it's that there really aren't any promises you can keep.

A Little Business Venture

Hi, my name is Davis.

JEREMY:  I'm a shell of a man.

Jeremy didn't get in the school play.

JEREMY:  The musical, Davis.  I didn't get in the musical.

ME:  I'm sorry.  Can't you go be a fairy on your own?  Do you need an accompanist for that?

JEREMY:  Why are you the person destined to be my life-long friend?

ME:  Because we both were awful people in our past lives.

JEREMY:  One of us isn't doing so grand in our current life either.

ME:  Ha ha.

We were sitting at Slice.  It was a rainy Monday.  The perfect kind of day in Providence.

JEREMY:  Can we go do karaoke?  I feel the need to sing 'Some People.'

ME:  Sit tight, Herbie.  Mama's got a deal to seal.

JEREMY:  Are you trying to pimp me out again?

ME:  Considering I couldn't get two fifty for you last time, I don't think so.

JEREMY:  You mean two hundred and fifty dollars, right?

ME:  Sure, let's say that.

That was when my opportunity walked into the bar.

JEREMY:  Skyler?

SKYLER:  Hey Jeremy.

JEREMY:  I didn't think Slice was your kind of place.

SKYLER:  No, but hopefully it will be.

ME:  That's where I come in.

JEREMY:  Okay, now I'm nervous.

I put my arm around Skyler.

ME:  Skyler and I are buying Slice.

JEREMY:  Hahahaha...wait, what?

ME:  I'm going to handle the business.

SKYLER:  And I'm going to make it into the best venue for live bands in Providence.

JEREMY:  You mean aside from Taylor's?

ME:  Better.

JEREMY:  Taylor's is legendary, Davis.

SKYLER:  The legend's in the past.  Slice is going to shut them down.

JEREMY:  Uh, Davis, could I see you for a second?

Jeremy and I went outside.

JEREMY:  Are you sleeping with Skyler?

ME:  No, but I wouldn't say 'No' if he asked.  He's cute.  You should have stuck--

JEREMY:  Not a word.  This is about how you two all of a sudden started working together.

ME:  He approached me with a business plan.  I approved and I'm putting my money where my mouth is.

JEREMY:  Where did you get money from?

ME:  I save.

JEREMY:  Really?  Because you make so much working as a--

ME:  HEY!  We don't talk about where I work.  I'm like Barney Rubble, remember?

A boy's gotta keep some secrets.

JEREMY:  Davis, how much is this costing you?

ME:  A lot.

JEREMY:  Then don't do it.  Now is not the time to be taking large economic risks, don't you think?

ME:  I think you got to spend money to make money.

JEREMY:  Great.  That old adage will serve you well when you interview for a government position.

ME:  Jeremy, have you ever known me to fail?

JEREMY:  There's a first time for everything.

He want back into the bar.  I felt the rain start falling on my face again and I looked up to embrace it.

You see what I do?  I embrace.

The Home Stretch

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

HANK:  Aren't you graduating soon?

I'm about to become a college graduate.

ELI:  Good luck with that.

We were all sitting around the Fish Bowl.  The cast list for the musical was about to go up at any second.  I was trying to focus on that rather than the fact that Records refused to sign off on my graduation application until my Bio grade was posted.

BILLY:  How are you doing in Bio anyway?

ME:  About as well Steve-O on Dancing with the Stars.

HANK:  You could always stay another year.

NATHAN:  Yeah, be a Super Senior.

ME:  I'd rather take a Super plunge off a Super bridge.

Eli tapped me on the shoulder.

ELI:  We have a cast list.

Murray walked out of his office, taped the list to the door of the Fish Bowl (avoiding our eye contact the entire time) and then ran away as fast as he could.

HANK:  Let's see who got fucked over this year.

We all walked outside and looked at the list.

ELI:  Ensemble.

BILLY:  Ensemble.

HANK:  Ensemble.

NATHAN:  Ensemble.

ME:  En--wait--where's my name?

I looked up and down, but I couldn't find it.

ME:  Oh my God.

HANK:  Jeremy, there must be a--

BILLY:  That can't be--

NATHAN:  It's probably just a--

ELI:  You're not in the show.

I'm not doing my last show at OSC.

ME:  Give me a second.

I walked into the Fish Bowl, and screamed.

Who Can You Trust?

Hi, my name is Eli.

JEREMY: You smell like Burt Reynolds.
ME: It's my new cologne.
JEREMY: What's it called? Boogie Nights?

Jeremy was in a lameass mood. We met up at school to work on our scene for character study class.

ME: What's the prob?
JEREMY: Jackson.
ME: First house landing on him didn't take?
JEREMY: I miss him.
ME: You drove him to the train station!
JEREMY: I know, it's weird. I just got used to having him around. He may be a jerk, but he's still my brother.

I was going to offer some sage advice, but the closest thing I have to a twin brother is Zac Effron.

ME: We have to stop at Billy's dorm. I let him borrow the play.
JEREMY: Eli, every time I stop by Billy's dorm I end up finding him in some awful situation. Can't I just meet you in the theater building?
ME: It's a Monday night. What's the worst he could be doing on a Monday night?

I shouldn't have said that.

We knocked on his door, and heard a shuffling--

ME: That sounds like--
JEREMY: --Clothes being thrown on?

--Then Billy opened the door.

BILLY: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
ME: I need that play I let you borrow.
BILLY: Right now? You need it right now?
JEREMY: We're practicing our scene for class.
BILLY: Oh, uh, okay--hang on.

He shut the door.

ME: Wondering who he's in there with?
JEREMY: Nope, not at all. Don't even want to think about it.
ME: But--
JEREMY: Soul's crumbling, Eli, soul's crumbling.

He opened the door, and handed me the play.

BILLY: Here you go.
ME: Oh, one more thing, cough--

I pushed at the door with my hand just enough to swing it open and reveal--

JEREMY: You've got to be kidding me.

--Liam.

He was laying in bed with the covers pulled up to his chin, like a sixteen-year-old cheating husband.

I was shocked, but I think I handled myself quite nicely.

ME: WHAT THE F**K IS THIS?
BILLY: Eli, calm down.
ME: I asked you to let him crash here once, not move him in!
JEREMY: I told you this would happen.
BILLY: You couldn't have known. This just happened today.
JEREMY: I meant I knew something horrible would happen if I showed up here. My life has become one, long episode of Army Wives.

I walked over to the bed and confronted Liam.

ME: How could you do this?
LIAM: Billy and I just bonded on a very spiritual level.
ME: Really?
LIAM: Yeah, plus he's got, like, a wicked good body.
JEREMY: Spoken like a true seven-year-old.
LIAM: Hey! I'm turning seventeen in, like, two months!
JEREMY: Annnnnnd I'm leaving.

He took off. I stayed behind, not able to take my eyes off Billy, or as he would now be known, Benedict.

BILLY: Eli, I promise, we didn't plan on this. Liam got kicked out of his house. He's just been staying here trying to--
ME: I don't want to hear it! You're dead to me! Both of you!

I made my dramatic exit, realized I had dropped my play, walked back in quietly, picked it up, and left.

Part of me was relieved. Now Liam was someone else's problem.

Another part of me knew what Jeremy meant when he said his soul was crumbling.

That's What Friends Are For

Hi, my name is Hank.

JEREMY:  Who's up for a night in?

Aw, I needed a Jeremy slumber party.

Now that we've officially turned the city of Providence upside down by allowing all the gays to post to the Wilde Blog, why not relax a little?

Jeremy came over my house already armed with wine (for me), a cheese platter (for him), and the latest season of Weeds--for both of us.

Once we were three episodes in and all of the wine and most of the cheese was consumed, we started talking.

JEREMY:  Hank, would you say that you have...you know...secrets?

ME:  Secrets?

JEREMY:  Yeah, from me.

ME:  Jeremy, you know everything about me.

JEREMY:  There must be something you haven't told me.

ME:  Well...

JEREMY:  Thought so!

He took the platter off his lap and set it aside.

ME:  But what about you?

JEREMY:  Ohhh nooo, don't change the subject.

ME:  But if there's something you're not telling me--

JEREMY:  Oh, I see what you mean.  Okay.

He took a deep breath.

JEREMY:  Hank...I...I...this is hard.

ME:  Jeremy, I'm here.

JEREMY:  I'm...adopted.

ME:  Really?

JEREMY:  Yes.  And I found it out when my mother needed a blood transfusion.

ME:  Jesus.

JEREMY:  Now, what about you?

I swallowed my reservations, and told Jeremy my darkest secret.

JEREMY:  Oh my God.

ME:  Please just keep that between us.

JEREMY:  Sorry, but I can't do that.

ME:  Why not?

JEREMY:  Because I'm not Jeremy.

ME:  Wait, you--

JEREMY:  I'm Jackson.

Oh no.

JACKSON:  Way to knock back that wine, Stritch.  I'm surprised you being an alcoholic wasn't your secret.

ME:  You can't be.

JACKSON:  But I am.  And now we're going to talk business.

This was going to be bad.

Baiting the Tiger

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

JEREMY:  Are we sure we want to do this?

I'm about to bait the tiger.

ME:  You scared?

JEREMY:  Antsy, I would say.  I wouldn't say scared.

HANK:  I'd like to make a note of the fact that I'm scared.

CARTER:  Me too.

We were sitting in a studio at a local television station.  Davis hooked us up after he hooked up with a local anchor.

Now he and Jeremy were sitting in front of the camera.  This message was going to be broadcast directly onto Wilde's Blog.

NATHAN:  We're ready to upload.

ELI:  Guys, this is seriously crossing a line.

ME:  You mean like how they crossed a line when they decided to personally attack us?

DAVIS:  And turned the entire town against us?

BILLY:  And have you read that blog?  They don't even know how to use a semi-colon.

We all looked at Billy.

BILLY:  I'm sorry, but that pisses me off.  If you don't know how to use a semi-colon, then make it two sentences, okay?

Awwwwwwkward.

NATHAN:  Let's go guys.

ME:  5...4...3...2...

And the lights were up.

PAIGE:  Welcome to the first and only episode of 'Back Off, Bitch!'  I'm your perky host, who happens to be single--

VOICE:  PAIGE!

PAIGE:  Shove it!  And now, here are your hosts--Jeremy and Davis.

We cut to the Dynamic Duo.

JEREMY:  Hi.

DAVIS:  Hi.

JEREMY:  We're your Weather Boys.

DAVIS:  And have we got news for you.

JEREMY:  And by you, we mean the Wilde Blog readers.

DAVIS:  We want to share something with you.

First comes the truth.

JEREMY:  The Wilde Blog has officially declared war on us.

DAVIS:  Our group of friends.

JEREMY:  A group of catty, bitchy queens.

DAVIS:  And let's face it, what can we do?

JEREMY:  We could throw ourselves on your mercy.

DAVIS:  Beg you to not read what Wilde has to say.

JEREMY:  But let's be honest, you won't.

DAVIS:  If anything, you'll read it more.

JEREMY:  So we've come up with another idea.

Then comes the twist.

DAVIS:  We're going to open up the circus.

JEREMY:  And let you all in the tent.

Get ready, tiger.

DAVIS:  At this moment, we have a computer technician here at the television station working to make the Wilde Blog a public site.

JEREMY:  You can all access and add content whenever you like.

DAVIS:  And by the time Wilde figures out how to change that--

JEREMY:  We think all you gays can do a lot of damage.

DAVIS:  So go ahead.  Snap photos of each other making out in the bathrooms at Prisms.

JEREMY:  Blog about who gave who gnono.

DAVIS:  Let everybody in Providence know who was getting head in the mall parking lot.

JEREMY:  We'd love to take the high road here, but Wilde has blocked it off.

DAVIS:  That means instead, we've chosen anarchy.

JEREMY:  As of this moment--

DAVIS:  And all you musical theater gays will appreciate this.

JEREMY:  --City's on fire.

Cut.  Print.

Work.

Like an Old Reflection

Hi, my name is Billy.

LIAM: I need to stay here for awhile.

I need to change my address.

Liam showed up at my door at around two o'clock in the morning on a Wednesday looking pretty upset. The last time he was here, he was unconscious.

ME: Come on in.

He had gotten drunk at a club, and Eli begged me to let him crash at my dorm.

When I woke up the next day, he had taken off without so much as a thank you note, and a pair of my socks were missing.

I didn't want to ask.

LIAM: I got kicked out of my house.
ME: How did that happen?
LIAM: I told my father to go fuck himself.
ME: Yeah, that will get you kicked out of just about anywhere.
LIAM: I hated being there anyway.
ME: So this is sort of a good thing?
LIAM: Except now I'm homeless.

He sat down on my bed and fell backwards so that he was staring up at the ceiling.

ME: Don't you have relatives or something?
LIAM: They all hate me. They're fucking douchebags.
ME: They must be, I mean, you're so lovable.

He didn't seem to be picking up on my clues. I sat down next to him.

LIAM: Would you mind if I stayed here?
ME: Here? Like here in my tiny little dorm room? My prison-like dorm room?
LIAM: I think it's kind of cool--in a confining sort of way.
ME: Liam, you can't stay here. I could get in a lot of trouble for having you here.
LIAM: Because you can't have guests?
ME: Because you're sixteen.
LIAM: That's considered the age of consent in Rhode Island.
ME: I see you've done your research.

Why is it criminals always seem to know the most about the law?

Liam sat up and smiled at me in a way I didn't like.

LIAM: How old are you?
ME: Too old for you.
LIAM: Eighteen?
ME: Nineteen.
LIAM: My last boyfriend was older than you.
ME: Who was that?
LIAM: Eli.
ME: He's not still your boyfriend?
LIAM: Not if I can stay here.

I jumped off the bed and moved as far away from him as possible.

ME: You need to leave.
LIAM: Billy, please. I have nowhere to go.

That was when I recognized something in him. The same quality I used to have. That desire to be tough and sexual when really you're so vulnerable it's scary. I didn't want him to get hurt, and at least if he was with me, he'd have a shot at getting his life together.

ME: Okay. You can stay here for the time being.
LIAM: Amazing. You rock.
ME: But if you so much as look at me funny; you're gone.
LIAM: Deal. But, um, what are we going to do about the bed situation?
ME: We're being creative.

A short time later, I was lying under the covers, and Liam was lying above them.

LIAM: Night, Billy.
ME: Night, Liam.

There was only one thing that scared me, and that was how much I liked having someone else in bed with me again.

A Team of Rivals

Hi, my name is Nathan.

ME: I've called you all here for one reason.

This may be the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life.

All the CBQ's were gathered around a table at Paragon. With all the fighting that's been going on lately, it was amazing I could get them all there.

How sad is it that getting my friends together was harder than reuniting NKOTB.

DAVIS: Can we call this little meeting to order?

Ben was still M.I.A., and that's what made me act.

ME: We have to put a stop to this.

RITCHIE: To what?

ME: To the Wilde Blog.

HANK: You mean the Cal Blog?

JEREMY: We still don't know if Cal's writing it.

BILLY: Nathan, what are we supposed to do? We can't find Cal.

CARTER: We can't find Ben.

ELI: Some of us are dating high school students.

Silence.

ELI: ...And...you know, doing stuff...with our lives...

I stood up.

ME: Here's the thing. This website is out of control. It's gone from catty to cruel. We need to do something about it.
DAVIS: Like what? Call the Internet police?
RITCHIE: Leave their Facebook group?
JEREMY: Nathan, this is a valiant effort, but the only thing we can do is to ignore it and hope it goes away.
NATHAN: It's not going to go away! This is war! Wars do not just evaporate!
ELI: Except for the Lauren/Heidi war. That thing just went up in smoke. Sooo disappointing.

When I looked over at Carter, he was staring at his phone.

ME: Carter, could you please try and focus?
CARTER: I'm looking at the Wilde Blog.
ME: Dear God, Carter, we are going to drive ourselves crazy if we check that thing every other minute!
CARTER: Wilde just updated it. It has a photo of us.
BILLY: Great. What is it saying about us now?
CARTER: There's a photo of us eating at Paragon.
HANK: Wait, this is the first time we've all ever eaten here.
CARTER: It looks like the photo was taken a second ago.
ME: Let me see that.

I grabbed the phone and sure enough, there we all were.

The caption read--

'Catty Conspirators? Pick a better headquarters, Power Rangers. You've been shot--with a camera that is..."

ME: This was taken from inside--

I looked around, and saw a guy dash out the front door.

ME: He took that photo!
DAVIS: That means--
JEREMY: Cal!

We all jumped up and ran out the door after him. I hope they didn't think we were running out before paying.

CARTER: Freeeee meal!

Okay, maybe Carter actually was running out without paying.

The wannabe-paparazzi ran down Thayer, but Davis managed to catch up to him. He tackled him right in front of the Avon. I think some of the RISD kids thought we were doing a performance piece.

DAVIS: Well, well, well. Look who it is.
ME: You know him?
HANK: He was at the club the other night.
DAVIS: Shotboy Boy.
RITCHIE: Kind of a redundant name.
ELI: Nobody takes Eli's photo without consulting the publicist.
SHOTBOY BOY: Let me go!

Davis was literally sitting on him. Some boys would pay good money for that.

ME: So you're Wilde, huh?
SHOTBOY BOY: Don't be crazy. I just updated the blog.
BILLY: Yeah, the Wilde Blog.
SHOTBOY BOY: You think there's only one person who writes for that blog?

Oh no...

SHOTBOY BOY: It used to be that way, but a few weeks ago, a bunch of us got e-mails with a code to update the blog on our own. We just had to agree not to reveal that Wilde wasn't doing his own blog anymore. I guess he's moved on to bigger and better things.
HANK: That's why it's been updated so much.
ME: But why have you been attacking all of us?
SHOTBOY BOY: That was what we were told to do! I don't know what you guys did to him, but man, Wilde is out for blood. He gave us all your names and said if we didn't go after you, he'd go after us.
JEREMY: But now you have the codes to the website.
SHOTBOY BOY: He can change them. He does it all the time. We get new passwords every week.

This was horrible. There were probably dozens of little Wildes all over the city just waiting for one of us to do something stupid so they could post it and make us look like idiots.

And let's face it, with our group, that wouldn't be too hard.

DAVIS: I have an idea.
HANK: Someone call Anderson.
DAVIS: This little Shotboy is going to help us get some good publicity.
SHOTBOY BOY: What are you talking about?
DAVIS: When you get this week's password, you're handing it over to us.
SHOTBOY BOY: No way! Wilde will kill me!
BILLY: Do you even know who Wilde is?
SHOTBOY BOY: No, but that doesn't mean he can't get to me!
DAVIS: We're willing to take that chance.
SHOTBOY BOY: You can't make me give you that password!
DAVIS: Do you want to bet?

Davis leaned over and whispered something into the Shotboy's ear. His eyes went wide, and he started to shake.

SHOTBOY BOY: Fine. I'll give it to you.

Davis got up, helped the Shotboy to his feet, and patted him on the back so hard he almost fell over. Then he turned to us and smiled.

DAVIS: Well boys, it looks like we've got ourselves a plan.

I was happy to hear it. I just wasn't sure what the plan was...