The House Guest

Hi, my name is Billy.

SIMON: I made a casserole for dinner--

Simon's been here for...

SIMON: --But I burnt it.

...A while now.

RITCHIE'S VOICE: Billy!

First thought?

Please tell me he didn't go through my phone.

RITCHIE'S VOICE: BILLY!

Second thought, he definitely went through my phone.

When he came into the kitchen carrying the phone, I realized that my instincts are way better than I give them credit for.

RITCHIE: Who's Jonathan?
ME: A guy.
RITCHIE: A guy?
ME: From school.
SIMON: He's cute.
ME: Simon!
SIMON: What? He is.
RITCHIE: And he's texted my boyfriend forty-seven times today alone.
SIMON: That's a lot.

Ritchie grabbed me and pushed me onto the kitchen table.

RITCHIE: Are you cheating on me?
ME: Ritchie, knock it off.
RITCHIE: I figured maybe you'd go back to Jeremy, but I didn't think--
ME: Stop it!
RITCHIE: Why are you pretending you don't like it rough? Or maybe I'm not going rough enough. Maybe I should--

That's when the frying pan went across the side of his head.

He was on the floor--unconscious.

Simon was standing there with the frying pan.

SIMON: Ready for dinner?

Oh no, I thought...

Not again.

This Is Where Things Get Complicated

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JACKSON: The hospital called. Davis is going to be fine now that he's actually, you know, getting his medication.
HANK: Salt, wound, got it.
JEREMY: Hank, there's really no good way to say this, why are you still here?
HANK: Hey, you never know, I might be related to you guys too.

This exchanged happened while I was sitting at the kitchen table in Jeremy's apartment. Joan had rushed out of the hospital and taken a taxi to who knows where leaving me to deal with the fall-out.

Paige was sitting across from me.

PAIGE: So...you knew?

Ben came out of the kitchen. Sometimes I wish we were still dating. Sometimes I--

BEN: Nathan?

I looked up at him. Then I realized everybody was looking at me.

BEN: I think it's time you talked.
JEREMY: I agree.
PAIGE: Jeremy--
JEREMY: And Hank, it's actually great you're here, since Davis can't explain why he lied about being Paige's brother.
HANK: He didn't lie. Your psychopathic mother did.
JACKSON: We prefer to call her McCrazypants.

I cleared my throat.

ME: She told me.
HANK: You sure she didn't lie to you too?
ME: I...uh...I got it confirmed. From my mother.
PAIGE: Oh my God.
ME: She told me last year, when I was in the...um...
JACKSON: Cult?
ME: Yeah. That. She thought I might already know, and she wanted me to keep it a secret.
JEREMY: So you didn't know until then?
ME: No. I didn't know I had a little sister.
PAIGE: Didn't you remember? From when you were a kid?
ME: I remember my mom being said for awhile, and later my Dad said she miscarried. That was it.

Jeremy was pacing. He looked like a caged animal.

JEREMY: So did you find about this before and after you tried to kill me?
BEN: Okay, can we just--
JEREMY: Was this some sort of weird, jealously thing?
BEN: Jeremy, stop.
JEREMY: God, I need a drink.
JACKSON: That's the last thing you need.
HANK: I'll have one.
PAIGE: I want to know.

Silence.

PAIGE: I want to know why you shot him.
BEN: Jesus.
PAIGE: He's my brother. You're, apparently, sort of, my brother. I need to know. I need to know why.
ME: I didn't.

Everybody checked in with everybody to see if they actually heard what I just said.

ME: I didn't shoot Jeremy.

I could tell they believed me. The truth sounds like the truth, doesn't it?

JEREMY: Do you know who did?

I started nodding before I said--

ME: Yes.

The door to the apartment opened--

ME: The person who did just walked in.

--and there it was.

The truth.

Skating with the Gays

Hi, my name is Joey.

ADAM: I'm going to fall.

My boyfriend is going to fall on his ass in about five seconds.

ADAM: Falling!

And he's going to bring me down with him.

ADAM: Ahhh!

Unless I don't let him.

ME: I got you.

Instead, I save us both.

Funny how that's possible.

ADAM: Aw, love you.

Until it isn't.

A group of us from the musical decided to go ice skating downtown as a sort of cast bonding experience. I was against the idea. Mainly because it meant having Adam and--

PATRICK: Smooth moves there, Adam.

--Patrick in the same place.

The freshman has been trying to get me alone ever since our lunch where I told him we couldn't hang out because I have a boyfriend and--

JONATHAN: Whoa! Sorry!

--Seems like trouble has a way of just ramming right into you nowadays.

BILLY: Easy there, kid.

Jonathan skated on ahead. Adam looked uneasy.

ADAM: Making friends with the new kids, huh Billy?
BILLY: They're nice, Adam. Don't forget. You were them last year.
ME: Where's Ritchie?

For a second I thought Billy looked, what's the word?

BILLY: He doesn't like ice skating.

Guilty.

I wonder...

BILLY: See you guys at Starbucks later.

He skated on ahead.

ADAM: That is a big pile of trouble just waiting to happen.

On the word 'trouble,' I looked across the rink at Patrick.

And I wondered again...

ME: Yeah, big trouble.

Did Billy recognize the same look on my face that he had on his?

Let's Clear Some Things Up

Hi, my name is Jackson.

ME: That's all we need in this f**ked up little family--a pill popper.

We all just found out that Hank has been taking Davis' medication, and has been giving him vitamins instead.

HANK: That's not true! I sold out of his meds online!

Sorry, I stand corrected.

JEREMY: You could have killed him!
HANK: Organic medicine is better for you anyway.
ME: Oh really? Then why don't you try tapering off your drug addiction with some B12?
BEN: You could have killed him!
JOAN: And left a paper trail.
RECEPTIONIST: Could you all please be quiet?
JEREMY, HANK, BEN, JOAN, and ME: Shut up!

It was at this moment that Paige realized she actually had a legal right to see Davis.

Of course, she was calm and collected.

PAIGE: I NEED TO SEE MY BROTHER!

Shirley Maclaine made less of a fuss in Terms of Endearment.

NATHAN: I should probably go.
ME: You sure you don't want to stab anybody first?
JOAN: Jackson, you're not helping.
ME: But having the man who shot your son here is?
JEREMY: We're focusing on Hank right now.
HANK: But maybe we should focus on someone else.
BEN: Not a chance.
NATHAN: I'll just go.
ME: And how about this time you don't come back?
BEN: Enough!

Ben shoved me. I shoved him back. Jeremy tried to get between us, but before he could, I pushed Ben onto the coffee table, and tried getting a punch in. I could feel Nathan trying to push me off, but then I heard Jeremy yell.

JEREMY: DON'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR MY BROTHER!

I stopped and looked up. Jeremy had grabbed a pen from the Receptionist's desk, and had it up to Nathan's throat.

JEREMY: I should have done this a long time ago.
BEN: Jeremy, stop.
ME: Okay, Jeremy, relax.
JEREMY: You all want to know why I've been acting the way I have? He's why!
HANK: And now he's going to be the reason you go to prison.
JOAN: Listen to Hank, sweetheart.
ME: I'm not sure he should be listening to Hank when Hank nearly killed someone.
HANK: It was nothing personal! I just needed the drugs!
RECEPTIONIST: I'm calling the police!
PAIGE: Why are you all making this about you? This is about my brother!
NATHAN: HE'S NOT YOUR BROTHER!

Silence.

Jeremy dropped his pen down an inch.

JEREMY: What are you talking about?
JOAN: Jeremy, don't let say anything. He's a liar. He hurt you. He--
NATHAN: Paige, I'm your brother.

This time the pen hit the floor, and Mom went down with it.

NATHAN: I'm your brother.

The hits just keep on coming.

Just Not the Flinstone Kind

Hi, my name is Ben.

ME: How's he doing?
JEREMY: They don't know. They don't even know how this happened.

When I heard Davis got rushed to the hospital, I got there as fast as I could. Unfortunately, that meant having to bring along my new intern.

NATHAN: What happened?
JACKSON: I see you brought the assassin.
ME: Shut up, Jackson. You've thrown people out of cars.
HANK: He means me.
JEREMY: Ben, can I talk to you for a second?

He pulled me aside. There was no way I was going to let him lecture me on bringing Nathan here when he brought his human yo-yo to the theater.

ME: Look, he and I were meeting about--
JEREMY: It's not about Nathan.
ME: Really?
JEREMY: Believe it or not, there are bigger problems.
ME: Like what?
JEREMY: I told everyone that the doctors weren't updating us, but that's not true. When we first got in, I told them that I was Davis brother and I didn't tell them about Hank.
ME: Okay, but what--
JEREMY: Davis hasn't been taking his medication, Ben.

As he was saying this, I could see the bottle of pills in his hand.

ME: Then what are those?

Jeremy held them up as if holding up a bloody knife.

ME: Vitamins.

So much for those keeping you out of the hospital.

Extended Family

Hi, my name is Davis.

JOAN: Our first family dinner!

Can someone please explain to me how I wound up related to this woman?

HANK: Jeremy, you and I are finally siblings.
JEREMY: Hank, even if Paige and Davis really are siblings--
JOAN: They are, darling.
JACKSON: It still wouldn't change anything aside from who Paige borrows money from.
JEREMY: Exactly.
PAIGE: Aw, I miss you guys already.

Joan was serving the meal at Jeremy and Jackson's place. I couldn't eat much since the treatment makes my stomach send back everything I try serving it, but I have to admit, it was a little nice being around a family. Even a really screwed up one.

ME: Thanks for having us to dinner.
JEREMY: Davis, you can come to dinner here anytime you want.
JACKSON: When it isn't being thrown around the room at whomever says something dumb.
JOAN: That was one time!

Jeremy slammed his hands down on the table.

JACKSON: And it begins.
JEREMY: This is ridiculous.
JACKSON: It's like our seder.
JEREMY: Mom, Davis is not Paige's brother.
JOAN: Darling, I know this must be hard for you.
JEREMY: No, it's not. Because it's not true. Paige may not be our sister, but there is no way--even in a state this small--that she is the sister of my best friend.
PAIGE: But Jeremy, think how much fun that would be!
JEREMY: That's just it, Paige. Think about the way our lives work. Does anything ever happen for the best? If you're someone else's sister, that means you're the sister of somebody that none of us would approve of.

Jeremy has a point.

HANK: Joan, maybe if you told us how this all--
JOAN: Davis' parents gave up Paige for adoption and then they died and we all lived happily ever after. End of story.
JACKSON: That's nearly as plausible as the story of how Mom's not an alcoholic.

That was when the first dinner roll went flying.

JOAN: Let's exercise the family tradition of eating in silence, shall we?

But I couldn't eat. I couldn't even think. Suddenly everything was becoming blurry.

JEREMY: Davis, are you--

I was already falling off my chair.

Luckily, I think this family has 9-1-1 on speed dial.

Working Overtime

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

IVAN: Are we going to get in trouble?
ME: Ivan, I own half the company. Relax.

Ivan and I stopped by the theater space after a night out at the club once my intervention/e.r. fiasco was complete.

IVAN: So your mom is fine?
ME: Just having one of her 'nobody is paying attention to me so my body is shutting down' incidents.
IVAN: Does she do that a lot?
ME: Usually only when one of her children is in trouble or experiencing happiness.
IVAN: Well, at least nobody got hurt.
ME: Yeah, and the whole thing was so distracting everybody forgot about the intervention.
IVAN: I think people who are capable of forgetting an intervention probably shouldn't be throwing an intervention in the first place.
ME: You stage an intervention. You don't throw it. It's not a surprise party.
IVAN: It kind of is--just not for the person it's being thrown for.

I was really hoping we'd both be high by now, but with the way the conversation was going, it might not even be necessary.

IVAN: Hey, I have a surprise for you.
ME: Oh yeah? What?

That was when he picked me up, pushed me onto my desk, and started sucking on my neck.

ME: Ivan--
IVAN: Nobody's here.
ME: I'd like to just go one day without acting irresponsible.
IVAN: Great. That day can be tomorrow.

He took off my shirt and started kissing down my stomach. I started unbuttoning his pants.

Then--

VOICE: WHOA!

The lights came on.

BEN: What the hell are you doing?

I threw my shirt on, but I think Ben was aware that I wasn't auditioning Ivan for a role.

Then again--

BEN: Jeremy, can I see you in private for a second?
IVAN: I think you've seen a lot of private stuff already, bro.
BEN: Bro?
ME: Ben, relax.
BEN: Don't tell me to relax. You're having sex in the office.
ME: It's not like I'm billing anybody for it.
BEN: I'm guessing the intervention didn't take.
ME: YOU KNEW ABOUT THAT?

Ben threw down the stack of papers he was carrying. They fell everywhere.

ME: I guess I'm cleaning those up.
BEN: Don't bother. Our new intern can do it.
ME: Intern?
BEN: Yeah, I just decided to hire him.
ME: What's his name?

Ben smiled.

BEN: Nathan.

In other words, the guy who shot me.

We're All Here Because We Love You

Hi, my name is Adam.

JEREMY: What the hell are you all doing here?

This is an intervention.

JEREMY: Is this an intervention?
HANK: No.
PAIGE: Hank! Yes, it is!
HANK: I thought we were lying to him?
JACKSON: We lied to him to get him here. Now he's here, so we don't have to lie anymore.
DAVIS: Jeremy, I have Gaga tickets in my car. You sit here for an hour, and they're yours.

Jeremy quietly sat down.

DAVIS: See how easy that was?
JOAN: Not all of us are interested in buying what we want.
JACKSON: This from the woman who spent more on her last purse than she did on my birthday present.
JOAN: I bought you a birthday present?
JEREMY: I bought the damn present!
JACKSON: Figures.
ME: HEY!

Everybody looked at me.

ME: I'm running this intervention. I'm the one who's seen the show a million times. Now everybody just shut up until it's your turn to talk. I have the talking frog.

I held up the stuffed animal we found in Paige's room.

JEREMY: I cannot believe this is happening.
ME: Jeremy, we're all here because we love you.
JOEY: Some of us were told there'd be cake.
JEREMY: You don't think you're all being just a little hypocritical?
HANK: Why hypocritical? We're not drunk messes.

Everybody turned and looked at Joan.

JOAN: Maybe I should go get some coffee!

Joan got up to go to the kitchen.

JEREMY: Davis, you--
DAVIS: I know what you're going to say, and yes, I've acted really badly in the past.
HANK: The past?
DAVIS: Last week--but I was never out of control. Jeremy, you're out of control.

Jeremy stood up.

JEREMY: You know what--
JACKSON: Jeremy, sit down.
JEREMY: Great. Another slutty peanut from the gallery!
JACKSON: We're all worried about you!
JEREMY: No, you're worried because for once there isn't anybody to clean up your messes! Suddenly you have to do it yourself! Oh, and Heaven forbid if I should need taking care of!
PAIGE: Sweetie, we're willing to help you. But you have to let us.
DAVIS: We know this all goes back to the shooting.

Uh oh.

ME: Let's not dig up the past. This is about the future.
JEREMY: Do you all understand that somebody shot me? And they're still out there walking around! They might even be someone I know!
HANK: Of course it's someone you know. It's Nathan. It had to be.
ME: It's not Nathan.

Now all eyes were on me.

ME: Um...I mean...probably not.
PAIGE: Adam--
JEREMY: Did you remember something?
ME: I just remembered that it wasn't Nathan. That's all.
DAVIS: But wouldn't you have to remember that it was someone else to remember that it wasn't Nathan?
HANK: What exactly do you remember?
ME: I--

Suddenly there was a crash from the kitchen.

JEREMY: Mom?

We all ran into the next room where Joan was lying on the floor unconscious.

JACKSON: I'm going to call 9-1-1.

So much for the intervention.

A Few Little Pills Never Hurt

Hi, my name is Hank.

DAVIS: I need another two.
ME: No chance.

Medicating Davis has become my new full-time job.

DAVIS: C'mon, Hank. I just found out I have a sister. This hasn't exactly been your typical week.
ME: These pills are really addictive. I can't just give it to you whenever you feel like it.
DAVIS: I've had those sorts of relationships before, and let me tell you something, they're a lot better than this.
ME: Actually, we should be weaning you off the pills.
DAVIS: Nooo! I hate weaning!

I don't plan on weaning Davis off the drugs completely. After all, I've discovered that they do wonders for me.

After sneaking one or two here and there, I decided that it's fun to be medicated.

Oh go ahead, and judge me, but you try being in a sham marriage with a sick person and see if it doesn't put you on edge.

ME: You know, you shouldn't take Joan at her word.
DAVIS: My detective backed it up.
ME: I can't believe you hired a detective.
DAVIS: It was for Jeremy. To find out if Paige was up to something with this whole adoption thing.
ME: Why would Paige be up to something?
DAVIS: I don't know, but don't you think it's a little strange that she turns out to be my sister?
ME: Did your parents--
DAVIS: My parents both died when I was young. My grandparents raised me. They never mentioned a daughter.
ME: So you're saying there's a chance?

Knock, knock.

ME: I'll get it.
DAVIS: If there were a chance, it would be great. A bone marrow donor could save my life.

I opened the door.

PAIGE: Hi Hank, is my brother here?

I'm going to need to refill Davis' prescription.

Overheard in the Men's Room

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ME: Joey, will you please take off those stupid sunglasses? We’re inside.
JOEY: I don’t want anyone to see me with you.

Ever since Jeremy and I stopped being friends, our little group has divided.

Since Joey is dating Adam and Adam is best friends with Paige and Paige is Jeremy’s adopted sister—

God, I hate Rhode Island .

ME: We’re just getting a drink. I figured you’d need to get out of the house now that you’re caged in with Adam.
JOEY: No saying nasty things about my boyfriend!
ME: So you’re saying you don’t hate being tied up?
JOEY: Ew, we don’t do that.
ME: I meant—never mind.

I excused myself to use the men’s room. Due to my aversion for urinals, I went into a stall and closed the door. A few seconds later, I heard voices.

Dear God, I thought, please do not let me hear bathroom sex.

VOICE #1: I wonder if he’s here by himself.
VOICE #2: Joey doesn’t go anywhere by himself.

Wait, that second voice was Jeremy.

VOICE #1: He looked scared to see you.
JEREMY: That’s how he always looks. He’s like a perpetual wombat.

The recorder on my IPhone went on faster than a hooker’s make-up.

VOICE #1: He was nice to me at the wedding.
JEREMY: Ivan, Joey’s nice to everyone to their face. He’s incredibly fake.

That’s right, baby. Keep talking.

IVAN: So why does Adam like him?
JEREMY: Because Adam only dates people who hate him. He gets off on it.

Please, let him keep going.

JEREMY: Billy’s the same way.
IVAN: What about Ben?
JEREMY: Ben just needs to be the good-looking one in the relationship. That’s why he stayed with Nathan for so long. He’d be too insecure with somebody attractive.

That must be why he had a thing for you.

IVAN: I can’t keep all you guys straight.
JEREMY: Here let me summarize.

Oh yes, please do.

JEREMY: Davis likes to think he’s a bigshot, Ben is an eternal asshole, my brother Jackson needs constant attention, Nathan is nuts, Billy is clinically self-conscious, Joey is two-faced, Adam is spoiled, Hank is needy, and I’m a mess.

You can say that last part again.

Wait until I post this online. That ought to get a few friends over to my side.

IVAN: What about that guy Ritchie?

There was a bit of silence.

Go ahead, Jeremy, I thought, let me have it.

JEREMY: Actually, I kind of miss Ritchie. He was always there for me when I needed him. Oh well. Are we going to go trip, or what?
IVAN: Here’s your magic pill, kid.

I think the IPhone was still recording when the bathroom door shut.

He misses me?

The Freshman

Hi, my name is Billy.

JONATHAN: Excuse me, but you’re doing it wrong.
ME: Excuse me, but excuse me?

Why is it that every year there’s another freshman who thinks he knows everything?

I was thinking that this year it would be Patrick, but so far he’s too busy hitting on Joey when Adam’s not looking.

And so the winner is—

JONATHAN: It’s supposed to go step, clap, clap, down. You’re only clapping once, and then going down.
JACKSON : Usually he goes down, and then gives you the clap.
ME: Shut up, Jackson .

I was hoping that Jackson wouldn’t get in the musical this year, but not only did he get in—

JACKSON : Fine, I’ll just go back to looking at all my lines.

He got the lead.

JACKSON : My many, many lines.
HANK: …Of coke.
JACKSON : Shut up, Hank.

This might be why it takes us two weeks to block one number.

After rehearsal, I walked out to my car to find Jonathan waiting for me.

JONATHAN: I didn’t mean to sound like a jerk.
ME: It’s okay. You just might want to think about how you phrase things.
JONATHAN: I try, but when I’m around you, I get really nervous.

Instantly, he began to blush.

JONATHAN: I mean, you guys. When I’m around, you know, you guys, and, um, you know what? I’m just going to walk back to the dorms. Sorry. Really. Yeah.

It’s funny. All that stuttering and twitching—

ME: Hey wait.
--It reminded me of Jeremy.

ME: Do you need a ride back to the dorms?

Even funnier?

He has Jeremy’s smile too.

A Business Proposal

Hi, my name is Nathan.

BEN: Is this a joke?

I just went into the lion's den.

BEN: This had better be good.

Part of my new theater administration degree program is an internship with an independent theater for the semester.

And after trying every other theater in town, I had no choice but to go to Ben.

BEN: You're aware that half this company is run by Jeremy, right?
ME: Do you think I'd be here if I had any other choice?
BEN: He's never going to let you work here, Nathan.
ME: I was thinking maybe he wouldn't have to know.
BEN: Aren't you supposed to be trying to convince me that you're not insane?

I explained to Ben that I could do most of the marketing for the company without Jeremy even having to know about it. It would take some weight off Ben--which apparently would be welcome with Jeremy slowly unraveling--and I could complete my internship.

BEN: I can't do something like this behind Jeremy's back.
ME: Why not? You said you're done with him personally anyway.
BEN: Personally, yes. Professionally--
ME: Ben--
BEN: Did you shoot him?

It was the first time anyone ever came right out and asked me the question--aside from the police.

ME: I...

I didn't know what to say. I don't want to lie, but I can't tell the truth either.

ME: I can't say.

Ben stood up at his desk.

BEN: Well, until you can, you can't work for me. Sorry.

He gathered up his stuff and left.

I know the truth is going to come out eventually, but I'm not sure I have the bravery to be the one who announce it.

Market Value

Hi, my name is Joey.

PATRICK: Can I ask a question?

I shouldn't be here.

PATRICK: Why is every guy at OSC lame?
ME: Um, that's sort of hard to...What?

Patrick asked me to get lunch with him. Adam hates Patrick, so I probably should have said "No," but I'm not good at thinking on my feet.

Plus, Patrick doesn't seem to be interested in me, so I figured it would be okay to hang out with him for a little while.

But then I got to thinking--

PATRICK: Like, why do you all have boyfriends?

--Why isn't he into me?

ME: Well, because we met people that we liked and--
PATRICK: But you're in college.
ME: Um, yeah.
PATRICK: You can be in million-year-long relationships for the rest of your life. College is supposed to be about having fun.
ME: I am having fun.

Patrick shot me a look. He sees right through me.

I love being with Adam, but being off the market is definitely a new feeling to get used to.

I don't go out anymore. I don't do anything wild and spontaneous.

I can actually tell you what happened on NCIS last week.

PATRICK: Look, you're cute and all, but this whole serious relationship thing makes you look old and old is not cute, so you're sort of not cute.
ME: But what about the whole forbidden fruit thing?
PATRICK: Yeah, but you're not really forbidden.
ME: Yeah, I am. I'm taken. That makes me forbidden.
PATRICK: Look, I don't want to work at having an affair or anything when I'm with a guy. I just want to have fun. Fun is what gives you a high market value.

Wow, things have changed.

Back when Billy and I were the prime real estate in the theater department being innocent and soft-spoken was the way to go.

Now you have to be fun?

ME: I can be fun!

Patrick smiled, leaned over, and whispered in my ear.

PATRICK: Prove it.

Yeah, I definitely shouldn't be here.

He Could Work

Hi, my name is Jackson.

VOICE: Hey psycho!

That could be a number of people.

I was sitting in the Fish Bowl at OSC when I heard a voice and realized I was probably getting mistaken for my brother.

BILLY: Oh sorry, I thought you were Jeremy.
ME: That's been happening a lot. I miss the days when I was the one people wanted to kill.
BILLY: He gave Ritchie a black eye.
ME: I also miss the days when I was giving Ritchie black eyes.
BILLY: This isn't funny, Jackson. He's out of control.
ME: Did I ever give Ritchie a black eye? I feel like I should have. It's hard to remember who you've assaulted...and who you've slept with.
BILLY: Clearly I'm getting nowhere with you.

Just then, one of the freshman approached Billy.

FRESHMAN: Hey Billy, did you still want to get lunch?
ME: And who is this?
BILLY: Jackson, this is Simon. Simon, don't ever date Jackson.
ME: Nice to meet you!
SIMON: I guess I'll head to the dining hall. Nice meeting you too, Jackson.

He took off, and I couldn't help but feel a break within myself.

With Jeremy being the new wild child, I've been trying to turn over a new leaf and be more responsible and less dramatic. The old me wouldn't have looked twice at Billy's friend, but the new me...

ME: He seems nice.
BILLY: Don't even think about it.
ME: Billy, I'm not the same person I was nine months ago. Why won't you accept that people change? God knows Jeremy has.

For a second, I thought I saw a look of pain cross Billy's face, and then he took off.

Well, like it or not, I'm going to look into taking his little friend out on a date.

I may have changed for the better, but that stubborn streak hasn't gone anywhere.

Next Time Say "Yes"

Hi, my name is Ben.

ADAM: Thank God the plows showed up. I was afraid we were going to have to eat each other.
ME: Considering we were in a room full of gay men, the cumulative weight of the entire club was probably four and a half pounds.

It was about four thirty in the morning by the time we got out of the club. Jeremy spent most of the night avoiding Paige since he was now under the impression that she was the one who shot him.

I dragged him off to the side to see if I could talk some sense into him.

ME: Why would your sister want to shoot you?
JEREMY: I don't know! She's a member of my family. That means she's, at the very least, eighty-five percent crazy.
ME: She's adopted, remember?
JEREMY: THAT EXPLAINS IT! Serial killers are always adopted.
ME: How drunk are you right now?
JEREMY: Does being drunk make you paranoid?
VOICE: Hey!

We both turned around to see some kid walking towards us. I had seen him dancing in the club, and he looked my way a few times, but since he looked like he still had womb on him, I wasn't planning on talking to him.

(That's right. I'm actually not into younger guys. Remind me to see a therapist before I have full-blown Daddy issues.)

YOUNG GUY: Hey, what's up?

I could see Jeremy's jealousy streak jump out of his eyes like a mean little leprechaun...of envy...or something.

JEREMY: Hi, do we--
YOUNG GUY: Um, I was talking to your friend.

Now, if this was Old Jeremy this little guy just sassed, I wouldn't be too concerned. He was never the fighting kind.

New Jeremy on the other hand--

JEREMY: Beg your pardon?

The Youngin' held his hand out to me completely ignoring Jeremy.

Not a good idea.

YOUNG GUY: I'm Patrick. I go to OSC.
ME: Ohhh, Jeremy and I went there.
PATRICK: Yeah, that's--whatever. Do you want to hang out sometime?

That's where Jeremy's leprechaun began to do his little dance of death.

JEREMY: Excuse me, but how do you know my friend and I aren't boyfriends?
PATRICK: Boyfriends don't go to clubs together.
JEREMY: That's a sweeping generalization, wouldn't you say?
PATRICK: I don't know what that means.
JEREMY: So OSC was your first choice, and Harvard was the back-up?
PATRICK: Huh?

This was going to be a bloodbath.

JEREMY: This is my friend. He and I hang out a lot. That means if we were to hang out with you, I'd have to see you. And I don't want to see you--ever. So don't bother giving him your number, because as soon as you do, I'm going to personally delete it from his phone, go home, find you on Facebook, and report you as an escort peddling his services to whomever happens to have ten dollars and an open futon.

That was when Patrick decided to slowly inch away--good move on his part.

ME: Are you out of your mind?

Adam, Paige, and Hank walked up to us.

PAIGE: You met Patrick?
ADAM: I hate him. He's a freshman and he's already favored to get the lead in Kiss Me, Kate.
HANK: Nice hair. When's he getting the rest of the operation done?

I wasn't interested in getting catty.

ME: That was out of line.
JEREMY: You liked him?
ME: No, but you have no right to get territorial like that!
JEREMY: I wasn't getting territorial!
HANK: He was probably just being jealous.

Jeremy shot Hank a look, but that just meant it was true.

ME: If you want to act like my boyfriend, you should have actually, you know, become my boyfriend when I asked.
PAIGE: You asked?
ME: I did more than ask; I proposed.
PAIGE, ADAM, and HANK: WHAT?!?!?

Oh right, that's a secret. Oops.

Paige hit Jeremy.

PAIGE: Ben proposed to you and you said 'No?'
ADAM: Wow, you're still hurting over Billy, huh?
JEREMY: No! I'm not hurting over anybody! I'm hurting because I almost died and when I did, I wasn't even a person! I had no personality. I had no identity. I'd never even gotten drunk before!
HANK: You're certainly making up for that now.

So that's where all this crazy behavior was coming from.

ME: When you woke up in the hospital, and I proposed, you said 'No' because you didn't love me.
JEREMY: And that was true!
ME: What's true is that you love punishing people. Anybody who doesn't fit on the pedestal you make for them never gets a second chance when they fall off. That's fine, but don't think you can string me along and chase off other guys who want me. The only reason you're mad Billy is with Ritchie now is because that would be one more person vying for your attention. I may not like Billy but he wanted to stay here and make sure you were okay and after he left Kurt for you you still told him to take off. Now, he's gone, I'm done, and the only person left to punish is yourself. Screw this.

I started walking to my car, and guess who I ran into along the way.

PATRICK: Hey, where's your friend?

I kissed him right on the mouth.

ME: What friend?

From now on, I'm on my own.

Just So We're Clear

Hi, my name is Davis.

ME: Do I have to strangle you to death in my own apartment?

My husband is trying to destroy me.

HANK: What part of 'state of emergency' don't you understand?
ME: It's just snow, Hank. It's frozen water.
HANK: Actually, that's ice.
ME: Fine. So we're talking Slushies here. Now get out of my way.

But when I opened the door--

JOAN: Well hello.

--I knew I was going anywhere.

ME: If I don't invite you in, does that mean you can't enter?
JOAN: That's only for vampires.
ME: Exactly.
JOAN: Hank!

Excellent. She's spotted other bait. Maybe I can sneak out the--

HANK: I should be going.
ME: Going? Going where?
HANK: Someone has to make sure the gays don't tear down the club trying to get out.
JOAN: Oh sweetheart, there's a parking ban. The roads are a mess. You could die out there.
ME: Yeah, stay here with me and Joan.
HANK: I'll take my chances with the prospect of death. Bye bye!

Hank took off leaving me alone with Joan. I tried to remember where I keep my sharpest knives.

Joan sat down on our couch, and removed a piece of paper from her purse.

ME: What's that?
JOAN: That's the report I received from the detective you hired.
ME: What detective?
JOAN: Don't play dumb with me, Davis. I know you hired someone. Your mistake was hiring someone who couldn't be bought out at a better price.
ME: I hired someone to do some digging and figure out who could be a bone marrow match for me.
JOAN: And?
ME: And he couldn't find anybody.
JOAN: Oh, he found someone. He just didn't tell you. Because I got to him first.
ME: Joan, what is this about?

She stood up and went over to my bar to fix herself a drink.

JOAN: I thought maybe you were doing it for Jeremy--or Jackson--who knows? I didn't realize you had cancer at the time.
ME: Leukemia.
JOAN: Whatever.
ME: Again, does this actually pertain to you?

Joan smiled at me.

JOAN: Not so much to me, but to Paige, yes.
ME: I'm sorry?
JOAN: She's your match.

She held up the paper--the proof that I had a match. That I wasn't going to die!

ME: That's amazing! Paige is my match?
JOAN: Oh, she's not just your match, Davis.

And that's when her smile disappeared.

JOAN: She's your sister.

And mine went right along with it.

It's All Coming Back to Me Now

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

BEN: Are you sure you want to be here right now?
ME: I'm fine, Ben. I'll be even better once I have a few drinks in me.

I was at Davis' club--although who knew where Davis was--enjoying the Blizzard party.

BEN: I'm not sure I like Drinking Jeremy.
ME: Oh so, it's been fine and dandy all these years while everyone I know has been getting drunk but as soon as I develop a taste for it, it's a problem?
BEN: Only because you can't hold your liquor.
ME: That is a foul lie.

I would have said more, but the room had begun to spin.

VOICE: Maybe somebody needs to call it an early night.

I turned around to see myself talking to myself.

ME: Whoa.
JACKSON: Twins, remember?
ME: Riiiiiight. Still freaky though.
JACKSON: Ben, we should get him home.
BEN: We're not going anywhere. They've closed all the roads.
JACKSON: Did Davis know this was going to happen?
ME: Where IS Davis?

Suddenly, I was having a flashback to the night I got shot.

All this time I thought it was one of the boys...

Then there she was.

JACKSON: Looks like Paige decided to join the party.
BEN: Great. She brought Adam.

It was her.

ME: I remember.
BEN: What?
ME: It was Paige.
JACKSON: What are you--
ME: She did it.

Paige is the one who shot me.

Adam's Bad Memory

Hi, my name is Adam.

PAIGE: You remember, don't you?

I had a feeling she wasn't talking about our coffee date.

Paige showed up at my apartment right before the blizzard was supposed to start looking determined.

I guess Jeremy spiraling out-of-control had an affect on her.

PAIGE: He needs to know what happened.
ME: I told you. I don't remember.
PAIGE: He's going to figure it out.
ME: Let him then. It's none of my business.
PAIGE: But you saw it!
ME: I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING!

Joey came out from the bedroom.

JOEY: Is everything okay?
ME: Yeah, it's fine. I'll meet you at the club, okay?
PAIGE: You're going out in the storm?
JOEY: There's a Blizzard Party at Davis' club.
PAIGE: What if you get stranded there?
ME: Better than getting stranded here.
JOEY: Gee, thanks.

I feel like I always put my foot in my mouth around Joey. Even though he's my boyfriend, I feel like I'm still trying to win him over.

He went downstairs to warm up the car, and I tried to convince Paige that I really don't remember anything.

I'm not lying. That night's really hazy.

JACKSON: Someone get an ambulance!

Even if I did remember everything, do I really want to tick off whoever put a bullet in Jeremy?

ME: I'm sorry, Paige, but I can't help.
PAIGE: Fine. Then you leave me no choice.
ME: Huh?

That was when she pulled out the photos.

PAIGE: Now, should we talk or do I go show these to Joey?

I realized that I better start remembering really soon.

Hank the Housewife

Hi, my name is Hank.

DAVIS: Hank! I need my soup!

That's my husband.

He's been recuperating from his treatment, and somehow I got wrangled into taking care of him.

ME: Isn't it enough that our fake marriage is giving you healthcare? Now I have to tend to you as well?
DAVIS: I would have Jeremy do it, but he's been acting weird lately.
ME: That's because he's turned into a hot mess.

Jeremy's been drinking--a lot. Then recently he showed up at a Starbucks with Davis and knocked Ritchie out.

ME: And you apparently got involved?
DAVIS: I just prevented that little bitch Billy from getting involved.
ME: Yeah, why should he interfere. Jeremy was only trying to murder his boyfriend.
DAVIS: Those two deserve each other. Oh Hank, I wanted crackers mixed into the soup, not on top of the soup.

I grabbed a handful of the crackers, pushed them into the soup with my fingers, and smiled.

DAVIS: You know I'm supposed to avoid contact with germs, right?
ME: You know my hands are cleaner than almost everybody you've slept with, right?
DAVIS: Love you.
ME: Love you too!

The funny thing is--I do.

Ever since I started working for Davis last year at his club, I developed strong feelings for him.

To be honest, I wasn't all that upset when he proposed. I was hoping if we started living together, maybe...

DAVIS: We should go down to the club tonight and make sure they're ready for the party tomorrow.
ME: Party? Davis, there's going to be a blizzard. Nobody's going anywhere.
DAVIS: I guess you didn't get the e-mail blast.

That was when my phone vibrated.

MESSAGE FROM DAVIS: Join us tomorrow night for a BLIZZARD BLAST!

Leave it to Davis to turn a State of Emergency into a promotional opportunity.

ME: You do realize if this works, every gay guy in Rhode Island will be trapped together under one roof with nothing but alcohol and bitterness for hours?

Davis smiled.

DAVIS: Now that's a party.

Little does he know he's not going.

Doctor's orders.

(Doctor meaning me.)

Ritchie's Boyfriend

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

BILLY: You are the most understanding boyfriend that ever walked the face of the earth.
ME: If you're going to compliment me, you're going to have to do better than that.

Billy and I were at the Starbucks in Wayland Square on a Sunday morning enjoying each other's company.

I've never been with anybody that I wanted to just sit and look at until now.

Who would have thought my "one" would be Billy?

Oh sure, I know what you're thinking.

I wound up with Jeremy's ex--it must be revenge. Well, you're wrong.

The fact that me being with Billy probably ticks off Jeremy is just an added bonus.

After Jeremy got shot, Billy got a job doing theater in Boston. I happened to get a job at the same theater, and we ended up really connecting. When fall rolled around, we decided it was pointless to get two separate apartments, and we've been happily living together ever since.

And neither one of us has said so much as a word to Jeremy in almost nine months.

You might think we're cruel for not checking in with someone after they've suffered a serious trauma, but I doubt Jeremy wants to hear from either of us anyway.

BILLY: Uh oh.

As if on cue--

Jeremy and Davis walked into the Starbucks. They stopped dead in their tracks when they saw us.

BILLY: We should go.
ME: No! We live around the corner from here. Davis lives on the west side. I'm not going to stop coming here. Let him go to one of the downtown Starbucks. We're staying where we are.

Davis and Jeremy seemed to be talking something over, and then they started walking towards us.

BILLY: This is not going to go well.
ME: Relax, what's Jeremy going to do? Hit me?

When Jeremy was within speaking distance, I stood up.

And that was when he hit me.

Clocked me would be the better word--right on the jaw.

Before I had time to think, Billy jumped up but Davis shoved him back down into the chair.

I looked up at Jeremy. For a second I thought I was crazy, but...he looked kind of...

...Hungover.

JEREMY: Nice to see you too, Ritchie.

Then he and Davis walked out.

Billy's Old Friend

Hi, my name is Billy.

Knock, knock.

VOICE: Oh my God, it's 3am.
ME: I'll get it.
VOICE: On a Tuesday.
ME: Go back to sleep.
VOICE: I could see on a Friday--
ME: It's okay.
VOICE: --Even a Thursday.

Knock, knock.

Strangely enough, I had a feeling I knew who it was.

Word was out that a kid at OSC was asking around about me. I'd been making myself scarce since my return to Rhode Island.

I skipped Fall semester after Jeremy got shot. It was touch-and-go there for awhile, and I decided I couldn't be around if he...

So I moved to Boston for a little bit, and that's when my boyfriend and I got together.

It figures as soon as you start liking the present, the past makes a grand reappearance.

SIMON: Hey.

This is Simon.

We went to high school together, and then he took off to go to school in England.

SIMON: I'm back.

He's back.

ME: Are you still on London time?
SIMON: Huh?
ME: It's 4am.
SIMON: Don't I even get a hug?

I hugged him. It's hard to explain, but it's really difficult to be mad at Simon.

ME: Come on in.
SIMON: I'm not here to bother you. I just didn't know where else to go. I thought I was going to end up sleeping in my car tonight--
ME: What?
SIMON: And then an hour ago somebody at a bar told me you were living here. I think his name was Jackson?
ME: Yeah, that sounds about right.

That means by tomorrow, everybody is going to know I had a guy looking for me at a bar.

Let the rumors begin.

SIMON: I should probably try to find a motel I can stay at until I get everything straightened out.
ME: You're not staying with your family?
SIMON: No. I don't even want them knowing I'm back in town.
ME: Simon, that's not--
SIMON: Billy, you know they wouldn't understand what's going on with me.

He's right.

ME: Well, you can stay here.
SIMON: Really? I wouldn't be imposing?
ME: No, of course not. We've known each other since we were fourteen. You're always welcome.

I heard a throat clear.

We turned to see my boyfriend standing in the doorway of our bedroom.

ME: Right, uh, Simon--

Hopefully he'd understand that I couldn't turn away my old friend.

ME: --this is my boyfriend.

I just had to brief him on a few things once Simon was asleep.

ME: --Ritchie.

Ritchie stepped forward and shook Simon's hand.

RITCHIE: Nice to meet you.

Nathan's Back at School

Hi, my name is Nathan.

VOICE: Hey!

When I turn around, there's a boy with ridiculously long hair staring back at me.

VOICE: You're cute. I'm Patrick.

This is what I get for not transferring.

After getting brainwashed by a group of nutbags from Rhode Island College, my family sent me away to a detox facility in Pasadena.

I hadn't planned on coming back, but I missed most of the application dates for other schools, so now here I am trying to lay low while completing the credits I need to graduate.

It isn't easy avoiding the CBQ's still on-campus. That's how I wound up in an Appreciation of Theater class that only freshman and non-majors take.

PATRICK: Are you single?

And now I'm getting hit on by kids who were in high school last year while I was attempting to kill one of my friends.

ME: I actually just got out of a cult. Sorry.
PATRICK: Sorry? Why sorry? That's hot.

I'm surprised this kid wasn't sleeping with Jackson already.

That was when I noticed my phone vibrating.

TEXT MESSAGE FROM JOEY: Did I see you on the quad earlier?

Dammit, I knew I should have worn bigger sunglasses.

TEXT MESSAGE FROM ME: Yeah, I'm back. It's a secret though, okay?

A few seconds later.

TEXT MESSAGE FROM JOEY: I missed you.

Good to know I still have one friend left in town.

But even Joey's unsure about whether or not it was me who shot Jeremy.

And unfortunately I can't clear anything up for awhile.

Joey's Party

Hi, my name is Joey.

ME: Welcome to our abodee.
HANK: It's pronounced abo-ohd.
ME: Liquor's on the table.
HANK: You should have opened with that.

This is my housewarming party.

Adam and I moved in together a few weeks ago, but we haven't had a chance to get everybody together until now.

Plus, parties with the CBQ's don't usually go over that well.

ADAM: So Davis, how are you liking married life?
DAVIS: Well considering we don't sleep together, it feels exactly like what I thought married life would be.
HANK: Ain't he sweet? He's getting me a wad of cash for our one month anniversary or else I'm letting him die from bad healthcare.
JACKSON: I think my mother said the same thing to my father when they got married.

Okay, so it's not your typical dinner party conversation, but at least nobody had gotten stabbed yet.

BEN: Ouch!
JEREMY: Sorry. The knife just slipped.
ADAM: I've never met someone so accident-prone who doesn't drink.
HANK: Ohhh, he drinks now.

Silence.

It was like we'd all just heard that Santa likes women.

ME: Jeremy, you drink?
JEREMY: Just a little. Here and there.
HANK: And now.
JEREMY: Shut up, Hank.
DAVIS: Are you drunk?
JEREMY: I just had a few--
DAVIS: A few what? Cans of kerosene?

Suddenly everybody was going crazy. It wasn't the first time we've all flipped out over a drunk person, but usually it's not Jeremy.

JEREMY: Guys, I don't feel good.

That was when he threw up on the couch.

BEN: Whoa.

And passed out on the carpet.

ME: Okay, so who's cleaning--

Everybody rushed out. I managed to grab Adam as he ran for the door.

ME: You live here, remember?
ADAM: Okay, but after this, I'm going to need a drink.

I second that.

Jackson's New Leaf

Hi, my name is Jackson.

ME: Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
HANK: You quit drinking?
ME: Oh God no, my new life is definitely going to include drinking.

It's also going to feature me developing an entirely new perception with the general public.

I revealed my plan to Hank, Adam, and Joey in the Fish Bowl before classes started.

ME: Since Jeremy graduated, and I'm still here, I don't have to be the bad twin anymore.
JOEY: So you're not going to gossip, lie, and stab people in the back anymore?
ME: Only at home with my family.
ADAM: You want to meet the new kids before you put away your bitch blazer, Jackson.
ME: They're freshman. How bad can they be?

As if on cue, the door to the Fish Bowl opened and three newbies came right on in.

FRESHMAN #1: Oh hey! Are you guys theater majors?
HANK: Why else would we be in the theater lounge?
ME: Hank, be nice. Sorry guys, he can be a little rude sometimes.
FRESHMAN #2: I like it. He's sassy.
FRESHMAN #3: And cute.
ADAM: Um, he's sitting right here. And so am I--am I not cute?
JOEY: Adam!
ADAM: What?

I decided to handle the introductions.

ME: I'm Jackson, and this is--
FRESHMAN #1: I'm Patrick.
FRESHMAN #2: I'm Jonathan.
FRESHMAN #3: I'm Scott.

Wow, they're not as shy as I was expecting.

PATRICK: We're having a party at the dorms tonight if you guys wanna come.
JOEY: Sorry, but tonight Adam and I are cleaning the bathroom at our apartment.
HANK: Thanks. For a second there, I didn't feel so bad about being single.
ADAM: Hey! It's fun! We have snacks afterwards!
ME: I'm in.

The three freshmen turned and looked at me.

JONATHAN: Um, not to be, you know, but, aren't you a little...
ME: A little what?
PATRICK: Old?

WHAT?!?!

SCOTT: We just wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable, you know?
ME: No, I don't know and--
PATRICK: Sassy should come though.
JONATHAN: Sassy should def come.
SCOTT: High Def TV.
ADAM: That's not an expression.
PATRICK: We're going to grab some lunch at SW.
JOEY: You mean Subway?
PATRICK, JONATHAN, AND SCOTT: Lates!

They all left cackling.

JOEY: Did they mean later?
HANK: I hate them.
ADAM: Me too.
HANK: What about you, old man?
ADAM: Yeah, how's the new leaf?

I couldn't hear them.

My ears were filled with murderous rage.

Ben at the Theater

Hi, my name is Ben.

ME: JBC Theater, how can I help you?

The 'B' stands for Ben, the 'C' stands for Carter since it was his money that helped build the place, and the 'J' stands for--

JEREMY: You're here early.

--my frequently absent partner.

When Carter died, he left Jeremy money with the instruction to do good with it. Since I had already put all my money into a theater, we decided the best thing to do would be to combine forces and create a theater company that focuses on gay issues.

Little did I know just how many gay issues I'd be dealing with once Jeremy decided to turn into his brother, Jackson, and become a total spaz.

ME: I'm actually here on time. You're two hours late.
JEREMY: I really need to get a new clock.
ME: Does it give you the time or just the day of the week?
JEREMY: Very funny.
ME: I know you're a blushing bride now, but--
JEREMY: Actually, there was a change of plans.

I decided to skip Jeremy and Davis' sham wedding since even seeing Jeremy fake marry someone was a little too much for me.

As much as I hate to admit it, I still have feelings for him.

So when he said 'change of plans--'

JEREMY: Turns out my insurance wouldn't cover Davis' treatment, so he married Hank instead.
ME: I can't imagine why the straight people think we'd desecrate the sanctity of message.
JEREMY: We're not disrespecting marriage, just the insurance companies.
ME: So you're still single?
JEREMY: Sort of.
ME: Sort of?
JEREMY: I sort of met a guy last night and I sort of like him.
ME: Did you sort of take his clothing off at any point?
JEREMY: We should get some work done.
ME: Works for me.

We're renting out a little black box space with an office that resembles a closet in a converted factory on the west side.

Over the past seven months, we've mounted a few productions, but haven't been able to make a big enough splash on the local scene.

Admittedly it would be a lot easier if there were someone else in the pool with me splashing instead of sitting by the side of the pool sipping--

--Okay, sorry. I got lost in my own metaphor.

Halfway through our work day, I noticed Jeremy staring off into space.

He does this from time to time. The doctors say he might be experience post-traumatic stress disorder from the shooting, but he says he's 'fine.'

Isn't it funny how 'fine' always means 'not fine at all?'

ME: You okay?
JEREMY: I'm fine.

See?

But then--

JEREMY: You know, maybe now that I'm not going to be a housewife, I can put effort into something more productive.

Hallelujah.

ME: You mean like making sure this theater doesn't fall down all around us?
JEREMY: No.

And then--

JEREMY: Like finding out who shot me.

Davis at the Wedding

Hi, my name is Davis.

ME: Who the hell shows up late for his own wedding?

I'm dying.

HANK: He'll be here.

So to speak.

ME: When he gets here, I'm going to strangle him to death.
HANK: Davis--
ME: AFTER I marry him. I'm going to strangle him to death AFTER I marry him.

Leukemia has made a new man out of me.

For one thing, I feel weak all the time. So to compensate, I've allowed my nasty temper to get nastier.

I'm going to make such a good husband.

ELI: Why did I drive in from New York for this?
HANK: Open bar?
ELI: Ahhh yes. Love.

Hank, Eli, and I were all waiting at the courthouse for my best friend Jeremy to show up so I could marry him and get in on his health benefits.

Gotta love domestic partnership.

Unfortunately, he was running an hour late.

I was about to drive over to his apartment when his car pulled up, and his mother, brother, sister, and some random guy got out.

ME: Who is this?
JEREMY: You mean Paige? Sorry, she insisted on coming.
PAIGE: I made brownies!
ME: I mean random guy?
IVAN: I'm Ivan. I slept with Jeremy last night. Congratulations on getting married.
ME: Couldn't you have waited until we were wed to commit adultery?
JEREMY: You know me, always the impatient one.

Another car pulled up with Adam and Joey.

ME: Great. Everyone's here. Let's get started.
JOAN: Is the bar open yet?
ELI: I second that question?
JACKSON: Just let them say their 'I do's and we can all get smashed.

That was when Jeremy's phone rang.

ME: If that's Katie, tell her I already booked Gaga for the reception. Next time she'll learn to call back faster.

Except Jeremy looked panic-stricken.

ME: What's wrong? I haven't seen that look on your face since you got--
JEREMY: You won't be covered.
ME: What?
JEREMY: Under my insurance. You won't be covered. I had a lawyer working overtime to check, but--
JOAN: That was my wedding present. He'll also be able to do the divorce if you need him to.
JEREMY: --Because you're doing experimental trials, you're not covered even if we were to get married.
VOICE: Mine would.

Everybody turned and looked at Hank.

HANK: I just upped my coverage. It includes pretty much everything--even experimental stuff.
ME: Why did you do that?
HANK: Because of Davis. You never know, right?

Jeremy and I looked at each other, and then at Hank.

That was when I got down on one knee.

ME: Hank, will you marry me?

Part of me was hoping he'd say 'No.'

Jeremy's Morning After

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

VOICE: I think you're wearing my underwear.

This is not the first thing you expect to hear when you wake up in the morning.

I opened my eyes and saw a total stranger--albeit, a very handsome stranger--laying in bed next to me.

Clearly, New Year's Eve was a success.

JEREMY: Uh, do I...know you?
RANDOM GUY: Define 'know.'
JEREMY: How many sentences have we spoken to each other?
RANDOM GUY: Does 'they're in the drawer' count as a sentence?
JEREMY: Ohhh this is bad.

I'd have to get my calendar, but I'm pretty sure 2011 is titled The Year of Bad Decisions.

Knock, knock.

JEREMY: Oh damn.
JACKSON'S VOICE: We're already running late and I still need to stop somewhere and get a third of a bagel for breakfast!
PAIGE'S VOICE: And a gift!
JACKSON'S VOICE: Are you telling me you didn't buy the gift for the wedding yet?
PAIGE'S VOICE: We have time!
JACKSON'S VOICE: The wedding is in an hour!
PAIGE'S VOICE: So we won't wrap it!

I wonder if they remember that the point was to wake me up.

RANDOM GUY: Who are they?
ME: My siblings. Could you hide in the closet please?
RANDOM GUY: Excuse me?
ME: I'm a very private person. I'm not comfortable with them knowing there's a naked boy in my room.
RANDOM GUY: That's funny. You're the first private person I've met who doesn't wear underwear.
ME: I'm wearing--oh right, it's yours.
RANDOM GUY: What's that scar near your belly button? It's hot.

JACKSON: Somebody call an ambulance! He's been shot!

ME: Fishing accident.

After I threw some clothes on and threw the boy in the closet, I went into the kitchen where my family was assembled around the table.

JACKSON: Well if it isn't the little slut.
ME: Who ratted me out?
JOAN: Your bedroom is next to mine, remember dear?
ME: Thanks Mom.
JOAN: You really should get therapy, or get therapy for whomever you brought home last night.
ME: It was New Year's Eve. I got a little...enthusiastic.
PAIGE: Mom says you got enthusiastic three times.
ME: MOM!
JACKSON: This whole family dynamic is very unhealthy.
PAIGE: Luckily, I'm not a part of the family anymore.
JOAN: Oh Paige, please don't make things awkward by speaking the truth.

We found out last year that Paige was adopted. Last year was also the year I started a theater company, found out my best friend has leukemia, and was shot.

Needless to say, the past seven months have involved a lot of recuperation.

JEREMY: Here's hoping this year is free of any drama.
JOAN: I'll drink to that!
JACKSON: Mom, it's eleven in the morning.
JOAN: And that's why we get married in the afternoon. Remember that, children.

Knock, knock.

JEREMY: Is that the limo?
JACKSON: Why? Do you want to have sex in there too?
JEREMY: Shut up, Jackson!

It wasn't the limo. It was--

ADAM and JOEY: You had sex last night.
ME: PAIGE!
PAIGE: I meant to send that text to...myself.

Joey was supposed to move to New York and take Adam with him, but then he had a change of heart when the two of them started dating and now they're moving in together.

JOEY: Shouldn't you be ready to go?
ME: I just need to do something to my hair.
ADAM: I would shave it all off and start from scratch.
JOEY: Do you smell smoke?

I ran into my bedroom and saw smoke coming out of my closet. When I opened the door, Hookup Guy was sitting on my hamper with a cigarette.

RANDOM GUY: Does it bother you that I smoke?
ME: In my closet? Yes.
RANDOM GUY: What's your name by the way? You told me it was Voltaire, but that seems a little too plain for you.
ME: Jeremy. My name is Jeremy.
RANDOM GUY: Hi, my name is Jeremy.
ME: You're Jeremy too?
RANDOM GUY: No, I was just--never mind. I'm Ivan.
ME: Nice to meet you. Now if you could just hang in here until we all leave for the wedding, and then let yourself out, that would be great. I'm assuming you're not going to steal anything, but if you do, then steal it from my brother's room.
IVAN: Who's getting married?
ME: I am.

And I closed the closet door.

That was when the smoke detector went off.

I ran back into the kitchen to find Joey, Adam, and Paige fanning smoke away from the stovetop, which was on fire.

JOAN: I tried to make your brother a bagel.
ME: Tell me you didn't just throw a bagel on the burner.
JOAN: Nooo--I put it on a paper plate first.

Just as the smoke was clearing, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I turned around to see Jackson with his arm around Ivan.

JACKSON: Everyone! Your attention please! This is Ivan. He was sitting in Jeremy's bedroom closet with no clothes on so I told him to come out and introduce himself.
PAIGE: Ooohhh, he's cute.
JOEY: Adam, stop staring at his--
ADAM: What else is there to stare at?
JACKSON: Apparently, I am not the slut of the family anymore.
ADAM: No, that's still Paige.
PAIGE: Hey! (It's true.)

And that was when I knew I was going to be late for my own wedding.