The House Guest

Hi, my name is Billy.

SIMON: I made a casserole for dinner--

Simon's been here for...

SIMON: --But I burnt it.

...A while now.

RITCHIE'S VOICE: Billy!

First thought?

Please tell me he didn't go through my phone.

RITCHIE'S VOICE: BILLY!

Second thought, he definitely went through my phone.

When he came into the kitchen carrying the phone, I realized that my instincts are way better than I give them credit for.

RITCHIE: Who's Jonathan?
ME: A guy.
RITCHIE: A guy?
ME: From school.
SIMON: He's cute.
ME: Simon!
SIMON: What? He is.
RITCHIE: And he's texted my boyfriend forty-seven times today alone.
SIMON: That's a lot.

Ritchie grabbed me and pushed me onto the kitchen table.

RITCHIE: Are you cheating on me?
ME: Ritchie, knock it off.
RITCHIE: I figured maybe you'd go back to Jeremy, but I didn't think--
ME: Stop it!
RITCHIE: Why are you pretending you don't like it rough? Or maybe I'm not going rough enough. Maybe I should--

That's when the frying pan went across the side of his head.

He was on the floor--unconscious.

Simon was standing there with the frying pan.

SIMON: Ready for dinner?

Oh no, I thought...

Not again.