Overheard in the Men's Room

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ME: Joey, will you please take off those stupid sunglasses? We’re inside.
JOEY: I don’t want anyone to see me with you.

Ever since Jeremy and I stopped being friends, our little group has divided.

Since Joey is dating Adam and Adam is best friends with Paige and Paige is Jeremy’s adopted sister—

God, I hate Rhode Island .

ME: We’re just getting a drink. I figured you’d need to get out of the house now that you’re caged in with Adam.
JOEY: No saying nasty things about my boyfriend!
ME: So you’re saying you don’t hate being tied up?
JOEY: Ew, we don’t do that.
ME: I meant—never mind.

I excused myself to use the men’s room. Due to my aversion for urinals, I went into a stall and closed the door. A few seconds later, I heard voices.

Dear God, I thought, please do not let me hear bathroom sex.

VOICE #1: I wonder if he’s here by himself.
VOICE #2: Joey doesn’t go anywhere by himself.

Wait, that second voice was Jeremy.

VOICE #1: He looked scared to see you.
JEREMY: That’s how he always looks. He’s like a perpetual wombat.

The recorder on my IPhone went on faster than a hooker’s make-up.

VOICE #1: He was nice to me at the wedding.
JEREMY: Ivan, Joey’s nice to everyone to their face. He’s incredibly fake.

That’s right, baby. Keep talking.

IVAN: So why does Adam like him?
JEREMY: Because Adam only dates people who hate him. He gets off on it.

Please, let him keep going.

JEREMY: Billy’s the same way.
IVAN: What about Ben?
JEREMY: Ben just needs to be the good-looking one in the relationship. That’s why he stayed with Nathan for so long. He’d be too insecure with somebody attractive.

That must be why he had a thing for you.

IVAN: I can’t keep all you guys straight.
JEREMY: Here let me summarize.

Oh yes, please do.

JEREMY: Davis likes to think he’s a bigshot, Ben is an eternal asshole, my brother Jackson needs constant attention, Nathan is nuts, Billy is clinically self-conscious, Joey is two-faced, Adam is spoiled, Hank is needy, and I’m a mess.

You can say that last part again.

Wait until I post this online. That ought to get a few friends over to my side.

IVAN: What about that guy Ritchie?

There was a bit of silence.

Go ahead, Jeremy, I thought, let me have it.

JEREMY: Actually, I kind of miss Ritchie. He was always there for me when I needed him. Oh well. Are we going to go trip, or what?
IVAN: Here’s your magic pill, kid.

I think the IPhone was still recording when the bathroom door shut.

He misses me?