I'll Leave You With This

Hi, my name is Joey.

DAVIS: Anyone wishing to throw up later on should follow the designated arrows to various restrooms throughout the building.

It's my birthday.

Davis is throwing me a huge party at his apartment.

Everyone's in attendance--Jeremy, Ben, Nathan, Carter, Hank, Billy, Eli, and Cal.

The only person missing is--

ME: Where's Ritchie?

That's when Jeremy explained that Ritchie had taken off for life on tour.

HANK: Lucky bitch.
CARTER: I got a text from him a little while ago. He said he left you a funny message on youtube and we should all check it out.
ME: On youtube?

Was it of a fat cat dancing with a Mexican hat on?

DAVIS: Let's fire up the laptop then.

We all sat down around the couch and Davis went to the link Ritchie had texted Carter. In a few seconds, there was Ritchie, up on the computer.

RITCHIE: Hey everybody!

He was on what appeared to be a train--

RITCHIE: I'm on a train.

See? I was right.

RITCHIE: I just wanted to make sure that before I left Providence for good, I got to say exactly what I wanted--along with a big old Happy Birthday to Joey.

Wait, what was that about--

RITCHIE: First off, Carter.
CARTER: Me?
RITCHIE: If my urine starts burning anytime soon, I'll know why. Curb the whoring, sweetie, or at least keep it limited to the people who are actually attractive.
HANK: Whoa.
RITCHIE: Hank, look on the bright side of things. I know it's going to be hard now that you can't milk the 'I'm in the closet thing.'
HANK: I'm going to cut that bitch.
RITCHIE: Eli, you're a big gay. But everyone already knows that.
ELI: Get in line, Hank.
RITCHIE: Nathan, Joey and Billy are both in love with you. Jeremy, Davis is in love with you. Ben, everyone thinks you're a shithead and nobody buys that you've changed your ways.

Oh...no...

RITCHIE: So yeah, have a great birthday, Joey. Oh, big P.S., and this is for you Davis, Carter and Joey and I all had a threeway recently and Joey told us that you use too much teeth when you--

I slammed the laptop shut. I might have fractured the screen, but I really didn't care.

There was awkward silence.

JEREMY: He gave me my good-bye earlier.

Happy birthday to me.

The Tour

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

JEREMY: There you are.

This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

JEREMY: We're going to be late for the party.
ME: I'm not going to the party.
JEREMY: Huh?

Jeremy and I were going to meet at his new place and then head over to Davis' for Joey's birthday party.

That was before I got the phone call.

ME: I'm driving to New York tonight.
JEREMY: Why? What's wrong?
ME: I got a tour.
JEREMY: A what?
ME: A tour! Like a National Tour!

Jeremy looked like he was going to say something and then instead just burst out screaming. I joined in with him. We both were hopping up and down and hugging.

Then it hit him.

JEREMY: So wait, that means you're--
ME: Taking off.
JEREMY: For how long?
ME: The details are kind of all over the place. At least a year, hopefully more.
JEREMY: So...wow.
ME: Yeah.

I gave him another hug, but this one was a little more somber.

RITCHIE: Tell everyone I said good-bye, okay? Especially Carter.
ME: I will.
RITCHIE: Promise me you'll look out for him.
ME: That's like asking me to put out an inferno with a dixie cup.
RITCHIE: Jeremy--
ME: Fine, fine. I promise.

We smiled at each other, and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, and this bitch does not cry in front of anyone so--

ME: Well, before we bust out into "For Good," I should get going.
JEREMY: I can't believe you're making me go to this party alone.
ME: You'll be fine. You're the best loner I know.

He laughed.

JEREMY: I'm going to miss you.
ME: I'm going to miss you too--like crazy.
JEREMY: Go win a Tony or whatever they give cool touring people.
ME: A Maria maybe?
JEREMY: That was lame.
ME: Yeah, so much for leaving on a high note.

I walked to the elevator and got in, waving one last time as the doors shut on Jeremy and Providence for a good long time...

The Boy Can't Help It

Hi, my name is Carter.

ME: I need to get Ben in bed.

I'm a bad person.

Ritchie and I were lying in his bed after...you know...when I said I wouldn't, but I did...meh...

And for some reason, I wanted to share.

RITCHIE: Carter, telling the boy you just slept with who you want to sleep with isn't really proper pillow talk.
ME: I don't know why I want him.
RITCHIE: Because you can't have him.
ME: Nooo.
RITCHIE: I don't feel like having sex again.
ME: Aw, c'mon!
RITCHIE: See?

Maybe he has a point.

ME: I just want to know that I'm as good as everyone else.
RITCHIE: You don't to sleep with people to prove that. Actually, you'd have to do a lot more.
ME: Hey!

I hit him with the pillow. He pinned me down, but I managed to flip him over.

RITCHIE: Just give up on Ben. He's with Nathan and he's happy.
ME: I bet Nathan's not as good in bed as I am.
RITCHIE: Please, he's a dancer.
ME: I can dance!
RITCHIE: Being able to hit the dance floor with your ass and come back up again isn't necessarily dancing.

He tried kissing me, but I pulled away.

VOICE: Guys, can someone drive me back to Davis'? I'm so wasted.

We both looked down at the end of the bed where Joey had fallen right after we all...

ME: I hope Davis doesn't find out about this.
JOEY: That makes two of us.
RITCHIE: Three!

Joey ran into the bathroom to throw up again, which is super nasty.

RITCHIE: How much do you want to bet you can't get Ben into bed?
ME: I'm not betting.
RITCHIE: How come?
ME: Just because.

Because, I wanted to say, it'd be wrong to bet on a sure thing.