I Want to See the Light

Hi, my name is Joey.

ME:  Can I be straight now?

Adam said I have to do this if I want to keep free-loading off him.

Those are his harsh words of hate, not mine.

BILLY:  Joey, you want to be straight?
ME:  Yeah, like you.  Minus the left-at-the-altar thing though.  And I'd like to keep my tan.

I had Billy meet me at a restaurant downtown.  Jeremy and Adam told me I had to pump him for information.  They wouldn't let me do it the fun way, so this was my Plan B.

BILLY:  I'm really surprised by this.
ME:  Why?  I've dated girls before.
BILLY:  When?
ME:  Eighth grade.  One even taught me how to trim my eyebrows.
BILLY:  That's--okay, I don't know where to begin.

Time to pump.

ME:  Did you ever sleep with any a guy again after you decided you were straight?
BILLY:  That's a really personal question.
ME:  So that's a 'Yes?'
BILLY:  Joey--
ME:  Just because I'm worried I might sleep with someone.  Like, someone crazy.  Like, someone who might end up going really nuts and doing something insane.  And then maybe I'd feel bad about the fact that I did stuff with them and--
BILLY:  Joey, are you trying to ask me something?
ME:  Yes, uh, I mean--

Whenever I'm nervous, I usually take my pants off, but that didn't seem like it would work here so--

ME:  Did you and Bart sleep together?

Billy's face got even whiter--I really should refer him to my tanning salon.

Then he grabbed my hand from across the table.

ME:  Ow!
BILLY:  Who told you that?
ME:  Billy--
BILLY:  What happened with me and Bart is nobody's business.
ME:  It kinda is since he, like, tried to kill us and stuff.
BILLY:  How did you--
ME:  Bart told Ritchie and Ritchie was going to do a show about it.
BILLY:  Are you kidding?
ME:  I don't know which part of any of that is supposed to be funny.

Billy got up and started walking away.

ME:  Where are you going?

He turned around, picked up a knife, and brought it up to my face.

BILLY:  Do me a favor.  Tell whichever bitch sent you here that I done talking to any of you for the rest of my life.  Got it?

I nodded.

Billy dropped the knife and walked away.

I don't like to assume anything, but I think he may have something to hide.