Everybody Asks Questions

Hi, my name is Jackson.

VOICE:  Jeremy?

Here we go.

I was sitting at a coffee shop trying to decompress with my extra-caffeinated espresso when what was obviously a reporter tapped me on the shoulder.

ME:  Actually, I'm Jackson.

That used to disappoint a few and send them walking away, but the really bright ones realize that a twin brother may have just as many juicy stories as the man himself.

REPORTER:  Great.  I'd love to talk to you!

This guy was a bright one.

Lucky for me.

ME:  Look, let me save you some time.  Jeremy is a terrible brother.  Our mother drank.  Our sister is a transvestite, and I was beaten on a daily basis by a next-door neighbor named Claude.  Does that give you enough to work with?

I was already back to my copy of Details when he said--

REPORTER:  And what about your father?

Even the brightest of reporters rarely bring up the "D" word.  Maybe they sense that it's a sore subject.  Little do they know.

I turned around with my best smile laid out across my face.  If I were dealing with a gay man or a woman, this is where charm would come in handy, but whoever sent this guy was smart enough to send a straightie.

That meant a different tactic.

ME:  Our father died in a hunting accident.
REPORTER:  What was he hunting?
ME:  Christian scientists.  He was a very sick man.
REPORTER:  Is there a reason your brother's never written about him?
ME:  You'd have to ask my brother.
REPORTER:  Did your father and your brother have a good relationship?

If anyone asks, he disappeared.  Okay?  That's the story.

ME:  They were very close.

Until the untimely...

REPORTER:  You don't think it's odd that someone who writes about everything would refrain from writing about one of their parents?
ME:  Oh, I think it's very odd, but then again, I think everything that goes on in this city is pretty damn odd.

I stood up to go.

REPORTER:  I actually had a few more questions.
ME:  Refer them to my publicist.
REPORTER:  You have a publicist?
ME:  No, but when I get one, I'll let you know.

Then, just because every once in awhile you have to throw them a little something...

ME:  By the way, did you know Bart and Billy, two of the original CBQ's, were having an affair right before Bart went nuts.
REPORTER:  Is that a fact?
ME:  Do you care?

One more smile, and then I was off.

That should keep the press away from our Daddy issues.

At least, for now.