The Biggest Mouth

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

JACKSON:  I don't see what the big deal is.

He's saying this as reporters are camped outside our apartment.

ME:  You don't see how telling the press that Billy had an affair with Bart would be a big deal?
JACKSON:  I assumed they'd be outside Billy's apartment, not ours.
ME:  They want our opinion on the whole mess.
JACKSON:  So give it to them.  Tell them Billy's an ass.
ME:  Yeah, I'm sure that'll look great on the front cover of a newspaper.

Leave it to my brother to stir up a s**tshow.

VOICE:  I just love papparazzi in the morning!

Our mother was lapping this all up.

ME:  Mom, please, don't encourage--any of this.
JOAN:  You're no fun, sweetie.
JACKSON:  At least she didn't give one of them her number like Paige did.
ME:  What could have possessed you to do this?

Jackson put down his magazine and stared right at me.

JACKSON:  They were asking about Dad.

I think I could feel the blood draining from my face.

ME:  What?
JACKSON:  The reporter.  He wanted to know why you never write about Dad.
ME:  What did you say to him?
JACKSON:  I said, 'Billy and Bart were having an affair.  Go ahead, boy, fetch!'  And it worked.  You're welcome.

I forget that despite his methods, Jackson usually does have good intentions where the family is concerned.

ME:  What if they ask again?  We're running out of scandals.
JOAN:  Maybe we'll need to make some more then.
ME:  Mom, that's not funny.
JOAN:  Darling, when sharks smell blood in the water, all you can do to save yourself is cut up someone else to feed to them.
JACKSON:  So that's how your honeymoon cruise went.

Mom smiled.

And when she smiles, I get nervous.

Really nervous.