The Hotel New Hampshire

Hi, my name is Davis.

ME: Welcome to Paradise.

This is my cabin.

HANK: It smells like okra.

Okay, my parent's summer house on the Cape would have been a better choice.

JEREMY: Davis, when was the last time anyone stayed here?
ME: Let's see, I was a junior--
JACKSON: In college?
ME: Yeah, let's go with that.

Something ran over my feet. I didn't panic though.

JOEY: Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

I let Joey do that instead.

ELI: I think I saw a run-down old motel with an axe murderer inside it a few miles back.
BEN: I'll warm up the car.

I grabbed Ben by the back of his shirt, and whispered in his ear.

ME: Go where you want, but Jeremy is staying here with me.

I could see Ben biting his tongue, but finally he said--

BEN: Come on, guys. This'll be fun.
BILLY: Since when are you so upbeat?
BEN: It's a new me.

Jeremy caught that one, and smiled.

Maybe it was wrong of me to use Ben's feelings for my best friend against him, but I didn't want to stuck in this creepy place alone without someone to feed the raccoons to if things get crazy.

CARTER: Um, guys, if this turns into a scary movie, and I'm black--

We have raccoon bait.

RITCHIE: So just who is rooming with whom? Huh?
BILLY: Me and Jeremy, obviously.

Shocker.

JOEY: I'll room with Davis.

Great. I just love old flames. They always end up burning up your life all over again.

RITCHIE: Actually, Joey, why don't you room with me and Hank can room with Davis. He did save his life.
ME: I like that idea.

Hank will be a fun roommate--meaning that I can kick him out once I get drunk enough to nail one of these morons.

BEN: Who am I rooming with?
CARTER: You can room with me, Ben.
ELI: Or me.
BILLY: Or all three of you can room together. I'm sure Davis has a futon lying around here somewhere.

A hand went up in the group.

JACKSON: Ben can room with me. Carter and Eli can room with Jeremy and Billy. I saw a room with two beds. That way the saints can play baby-sitters.

Jeremy didn't seem to like this idea, but he didn't say anything until everyone went to unpack their stuff.

JEREMY: Jackson, you don't have to room with Ben. You can room with me and Billy and Carter can--
JACKSON: What's the matter, Jeremy? Don't like me sleeping so close to your old boyfriend?
BILLY: No, he doesn't care. He's got a new boyfriend. Right, Jeremy?
JEREMY: Absolutely.

There was a knock on the door.

ME: Damn! It's probably Travis.
JEREMY: He couldn't have found us already.
VOICE: Guys! Let me in!

Billy went to the door and opened it--

BILLY: Looks like we're going to need one more bed.

--And there was Nathan.