Crowded House

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

ME: Who used all the hot water?

I am now living a gay version of "Full House."

A month after my friends and I were taken hostage by a madman...again...everything had somewhat returned to normal.

BILLY: Jeremy, have you talked to Jackson about the screaming when he's--
ME: I'm on it.

Well, our version of normal anyway.

Adam's uncle had sent Travis packing, but some things from our trip to New Hampshire have stuck.

For instance--

JACKSON: Bro, you have no idea what you passed up with Nathan. He's like a clown car.
ME: I'm not sure I want to understand that simile.

Right on cue, Nathan walked out of Jackson's room wearing big, red floppy shoes.

ME: Okay, so it was a metaphor.
NATHAN: I'm practicing for clown class tomorrow.
BILLY: You need practice?
NATHAN: Ha ha, aren't you funny?
JACKSON: That must be why our room has all the screaming and Jeremy's room has all the laughs.

My brother and Nathan have been going out this entire month. I would say something about it, but then Nathan might turn his sights back on me.

Knock, knock.

PAIGE: I'll get it! That might be Adam. He's sleeping over tonight.
ME: Tell him there's no food and no hot water. Right now, this apartment has as many luxuries as a Turkish prison.

But it wasn't Adam.

DAVIS: I have to crash here tonight.
BILLY: Oh, come on!
ME: Still having nightmares?
DAVIS: This morning I woke up holding a steak knife.
ME: Maybe you were sleep eating filet mignon?
DAVIS: Please, can I just crash on the couch?
PAIGE: Adam's taking the couch.
ME: Adam can sleep in your room since he's your guest. Yes, Davis, you can have the couch.
DAVIS: Thanks.

I keep trying to get him to see a therapist about what happened with Travis, but getting Davis into therapy is like getting a pig into a bacon factory.

Knock, Knock

PAIGE: That must be Adam!

No dice.

RITCHIE: Hey y'all.

It was Ritchie--with a red nose.

ME: Let me guess. You're Nathan's scene partner.
RITCHIE: Yup.
ME: Second door on the right. Ignore the dents in the walls.

Knock, knock.

BEN: Is my lying, manipulative ex-boyfriend here?
ME: Which one?
BEN: Very funny.
ME: My room is the laugh room.
BEN: Huh?
ME: Never mind. What do you need Nathan for?
BEN: We have to discuss how we're getting rid of our apartment?
ME: Do you need a roommate?
BEN: I guess I could just get a new roommate. Are you interested?
ME: No, but I was going to try pawning Jackson off on you.
BEN: Seeing as how he and Nathan--
ME: Fine. You can have Paige.

Knock, knock.

JOEY: Is Davis here?
ME: Yes.
JOEY: Okay.

. . . . .

ME: Do you need him for something?
JOEY: Just wanted to say hi.
ME: Uh...Okay. He's in the kitchen.
JOEY: Okay.

Great. I know what that means. Davis is relighting old flames.

Knock, knock.

ME: Yes, Carter, how may I help you?
CARTER: I drove by and saw you were having a party. Thanks for inviting me.
ME: Sadly, there's no party here.
CARTER: Are you sure?
ME: Well, I know I'm not having fun.
CARTER: Can I watch tv anyway while I'm here? I don't get cable.
ME: Sure. Why not? At this point, it's practically a commune anyway.

Knock, knock.

ADAM: Hey Jeremy, what's up?
ME: Nothing. I'm just fantasizing about becoming a leper and getting to move to one of those nice colonies where you live in exile.

Finally, I ended up barricaded in my room with Billy.

BILLY: Looks like this is the place to be.
ME: Who knew being popular could make you want to kill yourself?

Billy leaned over and kissed me. I slid my hand up his shirt and felt the coolness on his skin. That always gives me chills.

ME: This may be an insane question considering everything, but--why don't you move with me?
BILLY: Like--officially?
ME: Yeah. Officially.

He smiled.

Hey, what's one more mouth to feed?