It Happens All the Time

Hi, my name is--

BILLY: Jeremy.
ME: Billy?
BILLY: I can't wait anymore.

Before I knew it, he had slammed the door behind him, pushed me onto the couch, and was tearing my clothes off.

Needless to say, this was not how I expected my Monday night at home to transpire.

We still going at it on the couch when the door opened, and who should come through but--

BILLY: Jackson!
ME: Uh--
MY BROTHER: What the hell are you doing?
ME: What does it look like?

Paige popped her head in the door.

PAIGE: We went shopping! Oh my God, were you guys doing it?
ME: I thought 'doing it' was a retired term.
BILLY: Look, Jeremy and I have--
MY BROTHER: What are you talking about? I'm Jeremy.
BILLY: Huh?
ME: Yeah, about that.

Hey, I never said I was Jeremy. Never assume, kids.

PAIGE: Don't worry. It used to happen to me all the time, and I'm their sister! I'm Paige by the way.
JEREMY: This is horrific.
BILLY: How do you think I feel?
PAIGE: Cold? Considering you're not really dressed?

Billy grabbed his clothes and ran into the bathroom. I pulled a pillow over myself.

JEREMY: Did you even bother trying to stop in?
ME: Jeremy, I swear, he wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise.
PAIGE: You two are running a little gay hothouse up in here!
ME: Up in here? Where have you been living with Mom? Oakland?
PAIGE: PS! Boy in the bathroom?
JEREMY: Billy.
PAIGE: Love him. So cute. What an ass. Okay, dinner time. Who's cooking?

I was trying to gauge how devastated my brother was.

ME: Do you hate me?
JEREMY: Why should I? He's just the love of my life. Everyone else has slept with him except me. Paige, you want to have a go at him?
PAIGE: Um, let me see how I feel after dinner. Anyone want chicken? I could go for chicken.
ME: I'm moving out.

Billy came out of the bathroom and nearly stormed right out of the apartment.

JEREMY: Aren't we going to talk about this?
BILLY: What's to talk about? We're not meant to be. Every time we even try, something horrible happens. You hop a train to New York. Murray gets arrested for murder. I molest your twin brother--
PAIGE: This is so O.C. circa Season Two.

Jeremy put his hand on Billy's shoulder. It was a tender moment. Too bad I was there naked on the couch ruining it the entire time.

JEREMY: We just keep missing each other, I guess.
BILLY: Maybe we're just meant to be missing each other, Jeremy. I'm sorry.

He walked out, and shut the door behind him.

PAIGE: Ohhh heartbreaking! PS! Are all your friends gay? Because Mama's going to need some candy cane if she's going to hang around the chocolate palace for awhile.

I didn't know what my sister said, but I felt vomit rising up my esophagus.