Family Feud

Hi, my name is Jackson.

JEREMY:  Did you eat the last of the peanut butter?

Living with my brother isn't always easy.

ME:  I might have.

JEREMY:  That was my peanut butter.

ME:  I said I might have.  I didn't say I did.  I definitely ate peanut butter, but I believe there was some left.

JEREMY:  Not enough for a peanut butter sandwich.

ME:  Maybe if half of it were jelly, you wouldn't have that problem.  But you have to be different and just eat straight up peanut butter like a freak.

As you can tell, in our family, we don't mince words.

We've all been on edge since the Mr. Providence pageant.  I think Jeremy's taking it the worst of all.  Things with Billy are stalled, he and Davis are still acting odd towards each other despite Davis' nice touch of sentiment at the pageant, and Ben can't decide if he wants to be my brother's best friend, his enemy, or his bow-chica-bow-boy.

In addition to that, we have our houseguest--

PAIGE:  Who wants peanut butter cookies?

--Our little sister.

JEREMY:  Paige, that was my peanut butter.

PAIGE:  But I made you cookies!

JEREMY:  I don't want cookies.  I want a peanut butter sandwich.

ME:  So go buy some more peanut butter, and stop whining!

JEREMY:  I'LL WHINE IF I WANT TO!

Jeremy's bedroom door opened and a rather lovely looking young man poked his head out.

HOTTIE:  Hey Paige, mind if I take a shower?

Jeremy and I paused our bickering and turned to our sister.

ME:  Uh, Paige...?

PAIGE:  He's just a friend.

JEREMY:  He's naked.

PAIGE:  We met at the supermarket.

ME:  The supermarket?

PAIGE:  I was buying the cookie dough.  We both reached for the same tube.

ME:  Then you came back here and reached for his--?

JEREMY:  Jackson!

The hottie went back into the bedroom and slammed the door.

JEREMY:  Paige, that is my bed you're...doing whatever you're doing on.

PAIGE:  Well somebody should be having sex on it.  God knows you're not.

ME:  Our little sister is a whore, Jeremy.

PAIGE:  Like you two sluts can talk.  I'm going to go shower with Cookies 'N Cream then I'm going to watch Idol.  Join if you wish.

She walked into the bedroom and shut the door.

JEREMY:  We have to get rid of her.

ME:  Do you still have that crucifix I gave you as a gag gift?

There was a knock at the door.

ME:  That's my date.

JEREMY:  You have a date?

ME:  We may be identical, but with a little hair gel and jeans that fit, I manage to do much better than you in the love department, Jeremy.

JEREMY:  So which one of my friends are you boinking tonight?

I opened the door to the apartment.

SKYLER:  Ready to go?

JEREMY:  Skyler?

ME:  I'm ready.

SKYLER:  Mind if I use your bathroom first?

ME:  Sure.  Just be careful.  My little sister is having sex in the shower.

SKYLER:  I can wait.

Jeremy looked like he was about to kill me.  What else is new?

JEREMY:  Jackson, can I speak to you in the kitchen?

ME:  Sure.

The entire kitchen smelled like peanut butter--and sex.  I reminded myself to ask Paige if her little party extended beyond Jeremy's bedroom.

JEREMY:  You're going out with Skyler?

ME:  I figured you were done with him since you have...you know...three other guys circling you like little flaming planets at all times?

JEREMY:  I just--I just--haven't had a chance to deal with--Skyler.

ME:  He doesn't need to be dealt with; he needs to be slept with, and I'm happy to oblige.

JEREMY:  No way.  I am not signing off on this.

ME:  It's not a UPS package...or is it?

JEREMY:  I'm serious, Jackson.

ME:  So am I.  I'm going out with Skyler, and there's nothing you can do about it.

He slapped me.

No, I'm not kidding.  He really did.  He slapped me.

Well, I wasn't going to let that sit.  So I slapped him back.

Then he slapped me, and--

SKYLER:  Guys, stop!

I don't know how it happened, but somehow Jeremy and I wound up rolling around on the kitchen floor getting slaps in wherever we could and beating each other with the spatula and the cookie tin sitting on the counter that we managed to work into our fight.

Skyler was trying to get us apart, but he wasn't too successful.  Then I felt water pouring over me.

I jumped off Jeremy and found Paige and her Hottie standing in the kitchen in nothing but towels.  Paige was holding my wine bucket.

PAIGE:  Don't worry.  They used to bitchfight all the time when they were kids.  They would play Melrose Place.  Jeremy was always Jane and Jackson was Sydney.  By the way, I'm Paige, and you are--?

SKYLER:  Uh, Skyler.

PAIGE:  Oh, you're cute!  Let's be friends.

Jeremy was moaning.

JEREMY:  I think Jackson hit me in the spleen.

ME:  Oh shut up.  Now we're both soaked.

Paige giggled.

PAIGE:  No problem.  Me and Skyler will go out to dinner and you two can sit here and chill out.  Sound good?

SKLYER:  I'm in.

PAIGE:  I'll go put on clothes.

HOTTIE:  What about me?

PAIGE:  Oh, I'm done with you.  It was swell!  Later!

Paige grabbed Sklyer's hand and dragged him into Jeremy's bedroom.

I looked at her half-naked boy.

ME:  I'd be happy to entertain you while--

JEREMY:  Jackson!

ME:  Never mind.

Nobody spoils a good time like family.