Valerie's Dinner Party

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JEREMY: How did you talk me into this?
ME: I gave you twenty bucks.
JEREMY: Oh right.

I bribed Jeremy into going with me to my first RIC dinner party as my date. Valerie was throwing it at her place, and I was worried there'd be some sort of Mayan sacrifice involving me if I didn't bring someone from the outside world.

Plus, Jeremy and I both needed a break from the CBQ's.

ME: Done anything crazy since your break-up?
JEREMY: I almost had a three-way with Carter and a bartender.
ME: Shut your claptrap, Sad Sap.
JEREMY: Pardon me.
ME: It's a vocal exercise. How was the--
JEREMY: We didn't. I changed my mind at the last minute.
ME: Good boy.
JEREMY: I changed it when I find out Carter's been doing porn.
ME: WHAT?

The door to Valerie's apartment opened.

ALEX: Nathan! So good to see you.

Alex, Valerie's boyfriend, was standing there in a toga.

ME: I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was a costume party.
ALEX: It's not. I just like to wear this around the house.

Jeremy looked at me with a puzzled expression.

ME: I warned you.

Once we were inside the apartment, I had to do all the introductions.

ME: Jeremy, this is Kristina.
KRISTINA: Haven't we made out?
JEREMY: Uh, no, I'm gay.
KRISTINA: And?

Before Jeremy could get molested, I hustled him to the table, where everybody was taking their seats.

ME: So where's Jeff?

The room went silence.

ADI: Jeff who?
HAYLEY: What Jeff?
JAMES: We don't know a Jeff.

More silence.

JEREMY: Is there a Bermuda Triangle somewhere in this apartment?
VOICE: I HOPE YOU'RE ALL HUNGRY!

Valerie appeared with a giant pot of what I'm guessing was soup.

VALERIE: I've been slaving away all day.
HAYLEY: I would have come over to help.
VALERIE: The last time you helped I had to get stoned just to stop the puking. Pass me the salt!

Jeremy whispered in my ear.

JEREMY: Nathan, these people are insane.
ME: You just found out your twin brother hooked up with your boyfriend while your friend watched and then forgot about it because he was on drugs after being pushed off a patio by your best friend when said best friend found out that his boyfriend was flirting online with your sister's best friend.

. . . . .

JEREMY: Mmm, smells good, y'all!

I didn't mention to Jeremy that there definitely was a Jeff, and he was definitely missing.

DOUG: Valerie, this is amazing.
VALERIE: You're so sweet, Doug. I can't wait to see you naked.

Uh--

ME: What did you say?
ALEX: We're all getting naked later.
JAMES: After dinner.
HAYLEY: After we do the ceremony.
JEREMY: Ceremony?
ADI: Hayley, it was supposed to be a surprise!
HAYLEY: Oops!
KRISTINA: I'd like to wear the leather corset tonight.
VALERIE: You're such a whore.
JAMES: You should talk.

While the room erupted into arguing, I grabbed Jeremy and took him into the bathroom.

JEREMY: You did NOT tell me this was going to turn into a pagan orgy!
ME: I didn't know!
JEREMY: How could you not know?
ME: I'm sorry, Jeremy, but that's not the sort of thing they put on the FACEBOOK INVITE!

His eyes got wide, and he started to gag.

ME: Oh, come on. We can just sneak out. You don't have to fake sick.
JEREMY: Is that--blood?

I turned around.

The shower curtain was slightly open, and there was some blood on the edge of it.

JEREMY: Nathan, pull the shower curtain back.
ME: No.
JEREMY: Nathan--
ME: You do it.
JEREMY: NATHAN!

The bathroom door flung open.

VALERIE: Now just what are you two boys doing in here?
ALEX: Trying to start the party early?

He threw back his head and laughed.

ALEX: Now--are you ready to strip?

I tried to think of something that would get us out of this.

Anything.

JEREMY: I'm a pre-op transsexual.

Uh--

ALEX: Uh--
VALERIE: I, uh--

Three minutes later, we were out the door.

ME: That was the best you could--
JEREMY: Got us out, didn't it?

Yes, it did.

But I still wanted to know where that blood came from...