Movie Night

Hi, my name is Billy.

JEREMY: Is that popcorn and a copy of The Goonies in your hands, or are you just happy to see me?
ME: I thought we'd have a movie night. Sort of--I almost died and now I want to reexamine my life and maybe rebuild some of my old friendships kinda thing.
JEREMY: Did you bring peanut M&M's?
ME: Two bags.
JEREMY: Let the healing begin.

I figured if there was anybody who could remind me who I was before I started turning into a bed-hopping, freshman banger--it would be Jeremy.

ME: I just feel like I've had a sexual explosion or something.
JEREMY: Okay, first off, we might be able to rebuild some sort of friendship here, but not by talking about your sexual explosions. That's going to have to be further down the line.
ME: Fair enough.
JEREMY: For what it's worth though, I don't think anybody will fault you for going a little crazy in college. Everybody goes crazy in college. It's a rite of passage.
ME: I just...Joey called me the New Ben.
JEREMY: Billy--
ME: And you know--
JEREMY: Billy!

I looked at him. He put his hand on my shoulder.

JEREMY: You could never be Ben. Not like he was. You never hated yourself that much.

I smiled at him, and he got up.

JEREMY: I'm going to make some more popcorn, and then we're watching The Lost Boys. You've put me in a Corey Feldman sort of mood.
ME: Wow, normally I have to buy you dinner first.
JEREMY: You know you may not be getting any more innocent, but you're definitely getting funnier.
ME: Yeah, they were handing out knock knock jokes at the Slut Academy today.
JEREMY: Oh right, today's Monday.

While he was in the kitchen, I thought about what he said.

You never hated yourself that much.

Wow, I thought, if only he knew.

Big and Happy

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JEREMY: I'm not sure this was a good idea. Jackson is still recuperating.
PAIGE: And what could make somebody recuperate faster than a nice meal with nice people?
JEREMY: Are we inviting the nice people or are you referring to the Dirty Dozen you've released into our dining room?

Paige had arranged for a dinner with my mother, Nolan, myself, Jeremy, Jackson, and their Dad. It was sort of a merging of the families, but Paige had other plans as well.

As soon as Jeremy left the kitchen, she grabbed my arm and squealed.

PAIGE: Did you see that? He was totally checking you out.
ME: That's because you made me wear jeans from Baby Gap. I can't breathe in these things.
PAIGE: You don't need to breathe. You need to entice.
ME: Paige, I semi-agree with Jeremy. It's only been a month since the bus accident. I don't know if we should be exposing Jackson to my mom and brother.
PAIGE: OUR mom and brother. Besides, if Jackson can handle our dad, he can handle your family.
ME: You mean our family?
PAIGE: Exactly!

I started to think maybe we could all have a nice time.

And then we opened the dining room door, and a plate went flying by my head.

ME: That has to be a bad thing, right?

My mom was standing at the head of the table pointing at Jeremy and Jackson's dad at the other end of it. I'd never seen her look so upset.

MOM: You are a hideous, vile, and disgusting man!
ME: Mom!
JACKSON: No, it's okay. She's pretty much on-target.
PAIGE: What happened?
JEREMY: Apparently, Dad and their mom went to school together.
DAD: She was a bleeding-heart liberal.
MOM: He was a pretentious misogynist.
NOLAN: I'm surprised they didn't give you two a sitcom.
MOM: I am LEAVING!

Mom stormed out with Nolan right behind her.

NOLAN: Sorry, Paige. It looks like you're going to be splitting up holidays from this point on. Too bad. Your brother Jackson is sort of cute.

Paige looked upset, but I was actually relieved.

It wasn't that I didn't want to be fixed up with Jeremy.

It was that I was scared if it happened...

...I might fall in love with him again.

It Was Exactly Like That

Hi, my name is Joey.

PATRICK: So you didn't die?

This is my ex-boyfriend.

ME: No, the water was freezing. I'm still waiting for one of my jelly beans to drop.
PATRICK: I think one of mine is floating in my brain. The whole thing was so surreal.

I've been spending a lot of time in Patrick's room while he recovers.

I don't remember much about the crash, but Patrick's been telling me about it.

PATRICK: Joey, you were amazing. You pushed open the back door and all of us got out to safety.
ME: Really? I did?
PATRICK: You were awesome. I can't believe I ever broke up with you.

I like where this is going.

PATRICK: Do you think you could ever take me back?
ME: Well--
PATRICK: I know I was--
ME: Yes!
PATRICK: Wow, that was--
ME: YES!

Now that Patrick and I are going out again, I can finally break up with him the way I was supposed to.

I just have to hope he doesn't remember that Jackson was the one who opened the back door.

Otherwise, the same guy will end up breaking up with me twice.

And I can't let that happen.

Just When You Need Her The Most

Hi, my name is Jackson.

VOICE: He's waking up.

The last thing I remember is throwing open the door to the bus--

ME: Jeremy?
JEREMY: I'm here.
ME: Is--everybody--
JEREMY: Just try and rest, Jackson.
PAIGE: You've been through a lot.
JEREMY: Dad's here.

Now I wish they had left me in the water.

ME: Why do I feel like a truck ran me over?
PAIGE: You've been through a lot. Major surgery.
JEREMY: They had to do a transplant.
PAIGE: More than one.

Jeremy and Paige explained to me that the doctors had given them the choice of taking Mom off life-support so that they could harvest her organs for me.

ME: Wow. I can't believe Mom's really gone.
JEREMY: Uh...
ME: What?
PAIGE: We couldn't find her.
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: We couldn't find her.

Couldn't find her? She's a vegetable!

God, how I wish I could scream.

Apparently, her body just disappeared from the hospital. Something tells me Dad was involved.

JEREMY: The important thing is that they managed to find you organs from somebody who didn't survive the crash.
ME: Who?
PAIGE: Murray.

I have Murray inside me?

Please, hold your puns.

Just Like Barbara Jean

Hi, my name is Ben.

ME: How is he?

This is Jeremy.

JEREMY: Well, the good news is there isn't going to be anymore news until we figure out what to do.

And this is Jackson--lying in a hospital bed.

When I heard about the bus accident, I got to the hospital as soon as I could. Nathan, Ritchie, and Davis were already there.

ME: What's the news?
NATHAN: All of them suffered from hypothermia. Billy's in stable condition. Hank and Adam are in intensive care. Joey managed to get out first.
DAVIS: Shocker.
RITCHIE: Davis, please.
NATHAN: Jackson's actually the hero of the story. He got the back door open so they could all get out as the bus was going down.
DAVIS: Not all of them. The bus driver died upon impact.
RITCHIE: They still haven't found Murray's body either.

Then I heard about Jackson.

ME: So what are your options?
JEREMY: Right now, they consider our mother pretty much brain dead. She's living only because of the machines. Jackson needs a transplant. Liver and lung. If we were to decide to take my mother off life-support, then we could--
ME: What? Swap out?
JEREMY: There's really no other way.
ME: So you have to decide whether or not to let Joan die so Jackson can survive?
JEREMY: Pretty cut and dry, huh?

I could see that Jeremy was hurting.

JEREMY: God, I want a fucking drink right now.
ME: Hey, it's okay.
JEREMY: It's really not okay. This is awful. It would be one thing if Mom would just die, but something about pulling the plug so we can harvest her organs is just--
ME: Look, no matter what you decide, you have friends who will love and support you.
JEREMY: I just...I need something stronger right now.

I knelt down and wrapped my arms around him.

ME: I love you.
JEREMY: I know.
ME: No, I love you. I never stopped.

He pulled back and looked at me.

ME: I can help you, if you let me. I can be here for you.

I wasn't sure what he was going to do, but then he pulled me back to him.

And I knew I wasn't planning on leaving for a long time.

A Concerned Husband

Hi, my name is Davis.

ME: I need information about my husband.

Marriage does have its perks.

After Jeremy called me, I was able to make demands at the hospital that I never would have been able to ask for if it weren't for the fact that I was now the husband of one of the people on the bus.

NURSE: He's in stable condition.
ME: What about the others?
NURSE: We're not allowed to release that information to anybody but family--
VOICE: I'm family!

I turned around to see Jeremy and Paige walking into the waiting room, followed by--

JERRY: I'm here to find out about my son.

--Their dad?

NURSE: Which boy is your--
JERRY: Jackson.
NURSE: I'll go find a doctor.

Jeremy gave me a hug. I could tell he was a wreck. This was not a good time for him to be clinging to sobriety.

ME: Someone said they got the back door to the bus open right as it was hitting the water. Most of them managed to get out.
PAIGE: Most of them?
JERRY: It's a miracle they're all not dead.
JEREMY: Dad we knew most of the people on that bus!
JERRY: We just have to hope that your brother is okay.
PAIGE: What about Joey?
JEREMY: And Billy?
ME: And Hank?

Wow. Maybe I care more about him than I realized.

Before anything else could happen, the doctor arrived.

DOCTOR: Are you Jackson's family?
JEREMY: Yes.
DOCTOR: I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Jeremy nearly fell to the ground, but I managed to catch him.

DOCTOR: He's not dead.
PAIGE: Oh thank god.
JERRY: So what is it then?
DOCTOR: It's...complicated.

It made me wonder.

Is there anything worse than dead?

Dad

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

Knock, knock.

Since my return from New York, I've tried to keep a low profile. I didn't think it was going to be that hard what with Paige spending all her time with Nathan, Mom in the hospital, and Jackson at ACTF, but apparently I was forgetting about someone.

ME: Dad?

It's been a long time since I've seen my father, and I can't say I was thrilled.

DAD: Why haven't you been answering your phone?
ME: Why? Have you been calling?
DAD: Today I have.
ME: Funny, Mom being in the hospital didn't illicit any responses.
DAD: Your mother isn't my responsibility anymore, but you kids still are. Now that she's not well--
ME: Not well? Dad she's in a coma.
DAD: Never mind this. Why weren't you answering your phone?
ME: I was trying to take a nap. It's been a long weekend.
DAD: Do you even know what's going on?
ME: What are you talking about?

My father walked over to the television, hit a button the remote, and said--

DAD: That.

The screen showed helicopters flying over a bridge.

ME: Is the bridge going to fall down or something?
DAD: Listen.

The announcer's voice came on--

ANNOUNCER: We still have little information about the passengers on the bus, but we have confirmed that they were all from Ocean State College headed to the American College--
ME: --Theater Festival.
DAD: Wasn't your brother going to that?

I ran to my phone, and turned it on. Right away, it started ringing.

ME: Paige? What's going on?

I could tell she was crying.

PAIGE: He was on the bus.
ME: Who?
PAIGE: Jackson!
ME: Oh my--
PAIGE: And Billy! And Hank! Everybody! They were all on that bus!

I turned around to see my Dad standing in the doorway of my bedroom. For the first time in I don't know how long, I hugged him.

DAD: It's okay, kid.

I felt like I was going to black out.

DAD: Your Dad's here now.

The Road to ACTF

Hi, my name is Adam.

ME: This bus smells like Patrick's dorm room.
PATRICK: Please, as if you would know.

We were all on our way to ACTF in Maine, and it had not been an easy ride.

Billy and Jackson were fighting which was upsetting to Simon because one was his best friend and the other was his boyfriend.

SIMON: Billy, can't you see I'm really happy?
BILLY: Of course you are, you're dating the second biggest slut in school.
JACKSON: Hey! Wait, who's the biggest?
JOEY: I think he's talking about me.
BILLY: Ding ding ding.

Joey wasn't speaking to Billy or Patrick, who were now dating--a fact that wasn't lost on me since I still wasn't over Joey.

ME: How does it feel being a life-ruiner, Patrick?
PATRICK: Feels great. Must be because I can have whoever I want.
JONATHAN: Billy, are you listening to this? I can't believe you left me for him.
BILLY: Look, I'm just having fun, okay?
HANK: Have fun catching herpes.
BILLY: Shut up, Hank!

Everybody was so busy fighting, they barely noticed when the bus swerved to the right a little bit.

MURRAY: Guys, calm down back there!
ME: Is something wrong with the bus?
MURRAY: I'm sure it's just a--

That's when I noticed the bridge.

ME: Murray, tell the driver we have to turn left!
DRIVER: There's something wrong! The wheel won't turn!
JACKSON: Then hit the brakes!
DRIVER: Nothing's working!

We were picking up speed.

HANK: Do something!
MURRAY: Everybody just stay calm!
PATRICK: Fuck that! We're going to die!
JONATHAN: Maybe we can jump?
BILLY: Jump from where?

The bus went right through the barricade. We were going over the edge.

MURRAY: Everybody hang on!

The last thing I remember before the bus went down was someone yelling to open the back door, and thinking that the water was going to be very, very cold.

The Same Mistake Twice

Hi, my name is Hank.

DAVIS: I need you to remarry me.

Well, considering how complicated the marriage was, I'm not sure why I thought the divorce wouldn't be.

I was just cleaning the last of my boxes of out Davis' place when he showed up looking frantic.

ME: Davis, you don't need my Health insurance anymore. So why would you want to get married?
DAVIS: Well, the truth is...I miss you.
ME: Your grandmother already called me.
DAVIS: Damn that old bag!
ME: She wanted to welcome me to the family.
DAVIS: Did she--
ME: Two point six million.
DAVIS: Some of that was in stocks, so there's really no way to tell--
ME: Save it, Davis. You want that money. I want a cut.
DAVIS: How much?

I picked up one of my frying pans out of the box I was packing. The need for protection was imminent.

ME: Half.
DAVIS: HALF?!?!?!
ME: I'm your spouse, aren't I?
DAVIS: Your my spouse--not a Trump spouse.
ME: You can have one point three million, or you can have nothing.
DAVIS: Or I could find someone else to marry me.
ME: You mean before you turn thirty?

Down comes the ace from the sleeve.

DAVIS: What are you talking about?
ME: Oh, your grandmother didn't tell you? You have to be in a marriage, for a year, by the time you're thirty, or all the money goes to charity.
DAVIS: What?

Davis sank down to the floor like the air had been let out of him.

ME: I guess your grandfather wanted to give you time to produce an heir. He must have had a lot of faith in science.
DAVIS: But there isn't even a year between now and my thirtieth birthday!
ME: Luckily, we've already been married for almost two months--unless that divorce goes through. Then even remarrying me won't help.
DAVIS: Fine! We'll stay married. Then, in a year, we're getting divorced.
ME: And I get half?
DAVIS: Three hundred thousand.
ME: I'm not negotiating, Davis.
DAVIS: It's three hundred more than you'll have if I decide to stay poor on principle.
ME: I don't think you'd do that.
DAVIS: How do you know?

I smiled.

ME: It's a spouse's job to know his husband, isn't it?

The look on his face told me that it was time to start unpacking my frying pans.

Take It Off

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

JEREMY: Guess who got in?

This is impossible.

After bribing a doorman, and wearing my best Ritchie smile, I managed to get into Sam Tyler's office to see him, get him inside the most exclusive club in New York thereby blocking Jeremy and Ben, and convince him to let me produce his play in Rhode Island, only to see the two of them appear looking truly proud of themselves.

ME: How did you get in here?
BEN: We pretended to be British and talked really loudly on our cell phones about the hot new club across town called 'Sweater' that nobody can get into.
SAM: There is no club called 'Sweater.'
BEN: We know.
JEREMY: The line outside disappeared almost immediately.

Son-of-a--

SAM: Great. The more the merrier.

Yeah, why not? After all, they got here too late.

ME: Sam just agreed to let me produce the Rhode Island premiere of his play.

Ben looked crestfallen, but Jeremy wasn't going down without a fight.

JEREMY: But Sam, that's what we came here to talk to you about. Plus, Ritchie doesn't even have a company to produce it under.
BEN: We have a space, and a mission statement--
ME: Which is what? We do theater in church basements?
SAM: Okay guys, relax.

Jeremy looked like he was ready to jump across the table and pummel me.

SAM: Look, when you become a big, important playwright, you always dream about a bunch of cute gay guys willing to do anything to get to produce your play.
JEREMY: Really? That's the dream? Not a Tony?
BEN: A Pulitzer?
ME: Cute gays trying to get in your pants sounds about right to me.
SAM: The point is, there's no fair way to decide who gets the rights. Besides, Rhode Island is so small it's not like it matters which of you premieres it. So here's what we're going to do.

He pointed to the stage next to the bar.

SAM: We're going to have ourselves a little contest.

Uh oh.

Half an hour later, Jeremy and I were onstage waiting for the music to start.

ME: I can't believe we agreed to do this.
JEREMY: Scared you're going to lose?
ME: You should be scared. I've been known to push, and it's a sizable drop to the floor.
JEREMY: Try it and you're going down with me.
ME: Is that what you say to your boyfriends before they take the plunge?

That was when Christina came on.

ME: Here we go.

I have to say, though I may be a better dancer than Jeremy, what he lacks in rhythm, he makes up for in style.

The guy must have done vaudeville in a past life.

When we were done, both of us were in our underwear, and the crowd was going nuts.

I leaned in and hugged Jeremy before I could stop myself.

ME: So is this the balance you've found between old Jeremy and new Jeremy?
JEREMY: You mean old Jeremy and Ron Jeremy?

When we got back down to the floor, Sam was applauding us.

SAM: You both did a nice job, but I decided to give the rights to Ben and Jeremy.
JEREMY: YES!
ME: Was my dancing that bad?
SAM: No, it's just that Ben made out with me while you guys were up there.
BEN: And I got to keep my clothes on.

I was mad, but the night didn't end up being a total failure. I got my friend back--

JEREMY: So you coming to paint the town with us, Ritchie, or are you going to sit here and nurse your wounds?

--And I got TONS of phone numbers.

The New Ben

Hi, my name is Billy.

JOEY: You've ruined my life.

Is it bad that the first thing I did was get excited that Patrick had probably dumped him?

JOEY: Patrick dumped me.

YES!

ME: I'm so sorry.

I was in the Fish Bowl when Joey barged in looking like he'd been crying for days.

HANK: You boys fighting over these freshmen is pretty sad.
JOEY: Shut up, you pill popper.
HANK: Hey! That might be true, but it's still mean!
JACKSON: So Billy, you're allowed to date Patrick and Jonathan, but I got a warning to keep away from Simon?
ME: I have a better reputation than everybody in this room!

Silence.

JOEY: No, you USED to have a good reputation. Now you're practically the same guy Ben was when he screwed you over.
HANK: He's right, Billy. You're pretty much the new Ben.
JOEY: The difference is I'm not the new Jeremy. I fight for what I love, and I don't fight fair.

He walked out of the Fish Bowl.

JACKSON: I'd be careful. Joey's never been broken up with until now. He might go off the deep end.
ME: What's he going to do?
HANK: Bust your windshield?
ME: That's a little harsh.
HANK: No, seriously, he's busting your windshield.

I turned around and looked out the window. My car was parked right in front, and there was Joey with a baseball bat.

JACKSON: Wow, I always thought Adam was the crazy one in that relationship.

All this and I haven't even started sleeping with Patrick yet.

Keep It in the Family

Hi, my name is Nathan.

PAIGE: What about this guy?

My new sister is trying to set me up on a date.

ME: Paige, I am not ready to start dating again--or ever.

She and I were hanging out at her apartment where she was trying to find me a date online. She's still living with Jeremy and Jackson, since moving her in with the Burrows under the eyes of my brother didn't seem like such a great idea.

Besides, she was Jeremy and Jackson's sister for her entire life. I don't think she's totally processed that they're no longer related.

PAIGE: You need some positive energy in your life.
ME: I need to learn to supply myself with the positive energy instead of relying on someone else for that.
PAIGE: You know, maybe it's because we haven't been related very long, but I can't understand a thing you're saying.

Knock, knock.

Jackson appeared in the doorway.

JACKSON: Paige, I'm going to the supermarket. Do you want anything?
PAIGE: No, but bring back Nathan a date.
JACKSON: She's butting into your personal life, huh?
ME: Yeah.
JACKSON: Congratulations. She's officially your sister.
PAIGE: Excuse me for trying to make everybody happy!
JACKSON: The happiest I've ever seen Nathan was when he was in that wheelchair and Jeremy was besties with him. If you want him to be happy again, push him out the window. Later.

Once he was gone, I got to thinking about it, and he was right. When I was around Jeremy all the time, I really was very happy.

ME: Hey Paige--
PAIGE: I'm already way ahead of you. When Jeremy comes back from New York, I'm going to fix my two brothers up with each other!

Glad to see nothing's complicated about that.

It's Funny Because It's Cruel and Heartless

Hi, my name is Joey.

PATRICK: I'm kind of done with you.

This has never happened to me before.

ME: I don't understand.
PATRICK: It's over, Jo Jo. Time to move on.
ME: But it's Valentine's Day.
PATRICK: I'm aware.
ME: And we're at a restaurant eating a romantic dinner.
PATRICK: Also aware.
ME: And I just paid.
PATRICK: And thanks.
ME: And you're breaking up with me.
PATRICK: Right.
ME: But I'm Joey.

I'm so confused.

PATRICK: You know, I'm young and stuff. I don't want to be tied down.

I know this speech. I've given this speech to so many guys. Does that mean I've made tons of guys feel this bad?

ME: At least you're not cheating on me.
PATRICK: No, but I am really interested in someone.
ME: Who?
PATRICK: Billy.

I knew this would happen. I could tell from the way they were giggling with each other in the baritone section yesterday at rehearsal.

ME: But he's with Jonathan.
PATRICK: Yeah, but not for long. Keep that between you and me, okay?
ME: Sure.

...As I'm texting the Wilde Blog underneath the table.

PATRICK: I hope we can still be friends.
ME: Well, we kind of have to be, we still go to school together.
PATRICK: Exactly. That's why I'm not deleting your number or defriending you on Facebook. Cool for you, right?
ME: Uh...sure.

He left after that to go out with friends, while I sat at the restaurant bar getting drunker.

Finally, I made the call.

ME: Hey Adam...it's Joey...what are you doing right now?

Happy Valentine's Day.

What You Used to Get Away With

Hi, my name is Jackson.

BILLY: You're a dead man.

I've heard that one before.

Billy confronted me in the Fish Bowl before rehearsal.

ME: I'm guessing this is about Simon.
BILLY: I asked you to stay away from him--only him--and you couldn't even do it.
ME: Billy, we like each other. It's not like I'm just using him.
BILLY: Forgive me if I have trouble believing that.
ME: You can be as cynical as you want. What happens between Simon and I is our business.

Billy seemed to take a step back with that one.

BILLY: You're right.

Wow, I wasn't expecting that big of a step back.

BILLY: You two are together now. It's just the two of you.

Uh oh.

ME: What does that mean?
BILLY: Nothing.

He left the Fish Bowl, and went into the rehearsal hall.

Something was up.

After rehearsal, I went to see if anybody wanted to go out for some drinks.

PATRICK: Gee Jackson, we'd like to but--
JONATHAN: Taken guys aren't really our thing.
PATRICK: They tend to be a buzz kill.
VOICE: Sweetie!

I turned around to see Simon waving me over.

SIMON: I'm tired. Let's go home and eat some soup.

Oh boy...

PATRICK: You're so lucky, Jackson.
JONATHAN: Simon is so sweet.

Behind Simon, I could see Billy winking at me.

Yeah, I thought, really lucky.

Far from the Velvet Rope

Hi, my name is Ben.

ME: I'm freezing!

I'm freezing.

Jeremy and I had it on good authority that Sam Tyler, the author of the play we want to produce, enjoys a night at Badge 17--one of New York's hottest new clubs.

So there we were, waiting in a line that went around the block at ten o'clock at night, and I had forgotten to bring a hat, gloves, or something to build a fire with so we wouldn't die on the street like vagrants.

JEREMY: At least we managed to lose Ritchie.
ME: He wasn't even following us. He hopped in a cab and took off.
JEREMY: He probably thought he could just go to Sam's office, knock on his door, and be handed the rights. What an idiot.
ME: Yeah, such an idiot. He's probably sitting in a warm hotel room right now watching cool hotel room porn and eating room service.
JEREMY: But only one of us is leaving this city with the rights to the hottest new play of the year.
VOICE: Hello boys.

I thought I couldn't get any colder, but that voice was blood-chilling.

We both turned around to see Ritchie walking towards us--right next to Sam Tyler.

ME: What the--
RITCHIE: Sam, these are my friends Jeremy and Ben. They run a little dog-and-pony show in Providence.
SAM: Nice to meet you guys. Ritchie, we should go in before the drag show starts.
JEREMY: How did you--
RITCHIE: It was the funniest thing. I went to Sam's office, knocked on his door, and he let me right in.

To the idiot goes the rights.

ME: Did he--
RITCHIE: We're going to discuss doing his play in Rhode Island.
SAM: It's going to take a lot of convincing. That play is a hot property.
RITCHIE: Oh don't worry. I've got a hot property of my own.

And off they went into the club.

JEREMY: We have to do something.
ME: Like what?

That's when I saw a crazy gleam in Jeremy's eye.

And I knew we were going to get those rights--

JEREMY: Can you do a British accent?

--or die trying.

The End of a Fake Marriage

Hi, my name is Davis.

MR. LAWYER: So you two want a divorce?

It's the end of an era.

ME: As soon as possible.

And a new joyful era now begins.

I managed to land a job doing pr consulting for a firm in Providence. That means full healthcare, and no more fake matrimony.

Luckily, Hank feels our union has run its course as well.

MR. LAWYER: So why do you two want to get divorced?
ME: He was taking all my medication and I nearly died.
HANK: Then he locked me in the bathroom forcing me to go through withdrawal with nothing but a tube of toothpaste and a luffa.
MR. LAWYER: I'll get working on this right away.

As we were leaving the office, I felt like a new man.

And then my phone rang.

HANK: Not even divorced yet and already you're taking booty calls?
ME: Please Hank, it's four pm. They're not booty calls at 4pm. They're 'lunch dates.'

But that wasn't what it was.

VOICE: Hello John.

It was much worse.

ME: Hello Grandmother.
GRANDMOTHER: How are you feeling?
ME: Actually, I feel great.
GRANDMOTHER: Excellent. I'm glad you're in good health.
ME: Well, I'm still doing the treatment but--
GRANDMOTHER: I understand you've gotten married?

This is what I get for accepting her friend request.

ME: Yes, Grandmother, but it's not really an issue now because--
GRANDMOTHER: I suppose you know what that means?
ME: I'm no longer invited to your Christian brunches?
GRANDMOTHER: Don't be ridiculous. I stopped inviting you to those years ago.
ME: Then what are you--
GRANDMOTHER: You have figured out a way to beat your Grandfather's will after all. I never thought you'd do it, but thanks to the liberals' destruction of this country's moral code, you have gotten yourself married, and that means--
ME: I'm entitled to my inheritance.
GRANDMOTHER: Exactly.

My Grandfather put it in his will that if I ever got married, I'd stand to inherit a huge portion of his estate, but when I realized I was gay, I thought it was a moot point. And now--

ME: Grandmother, how much is that inheritance now?
GRANDMOTHER: More money than a child like you can know what to do with. Why don't you let me handle things until--
ME: How much, old woman?
GRANDMOTHER: Two point six.
ME: Two point six--?
GRANDMOTHER: Million.

I dropped the phone, and turned around.

Hank was gone.

I had to find him.

He was my going to be my ticket to the permanent good life.

I just had to remember to make him sign a prenup.

Back to New York

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

BEN: So are we going to uncover any deep dark secrets from when you lived here that summer?
ME: You mean aside from the crazy drug dealer who tracked me down in Rhode Island?
BEN: That's the best you've got?

Ben and I had just arrived in New York

We were desperate to produce a hit play in Rhode Island, but all the major theaters have frozen the rights on the big name plays.

That means we needed to circumvent the system.

And that meant going right to the author.

BEN: I still think Nathan and I should have done this by ourselves.
ME: I am the co-founder of the theater--
BEN: You're on parole, kid. Until you've spent more time on the wagon, I'm the one calling the shots.

Waking up in the emergency room with alcohol poisoning is a bit of a wake-up call. Now it's been two weeks since I've had a drink or any other substance, and it's been--

VOICE: Well look who it is.

--Difficult.

RITCHIE: What are you boys doing here?

Ritchie and I haven't spoken since the night he saved my life, but I think it's safe to say a truce is in place.

BEN: We're courting an author.
ME: We want to produce 'Dominoes' by Sam Tyler.
BEN: What are you doing here?

Ritchie held up a paperback copy of 'Dominoes.'

RITCHIE: I've been thinking about becoming a producer.

What was that about a truce?

It's Not My Party, But I'll Cry If I Want To

Hi, my name is Adam.

ME: Where is he?

I'm about to crash this bitch.

BILLY: Adam, are you okay?
ME: Don't talk to me. I'm here for Joey.
BILLY: Look, you don't want to cause a scene.
ME: No, actually, I really want to cause a scene.

That's when I punched a hole in the wall.

BILLY: Wow, I'm not going to lie. I'm impressed.

Patrick was having a party, and shocked, I wasn't invited, but guess who was?

My boyfriend.

Or ex-boyfriend, as the case may be.

SIMON: Oh hey Adam.
ME: Hey Simon, you seen Joey?
SIMON: I think he's in Patrick's bedroom.
ME: Why am I not surprised?

I burst into the bedroom and there was Patrick--

--throwing up.

Joey was holding his head while he puked into a bucket.

ME: Uh...
JOEY: Adam, what are you doing here?
ME: I, uh, came to...tell you off...
JOEY: Um, can it wait? I'm a little busy.
ME: Yeah, I can--

That was when Patrick lifted up his head and threw up all over Joey.

ME: I'll just...yeah.

Something tells me I was getting my revenge before I even realized it.

Nobody Leaves That Bathroom Twice

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: Ahhhhhh!!!

That's the sound of me breaking down a bathroom door.

After two days being stuck in there with nothing but tap water and crush potato chip bags slipped under the door, I was completely out of my mind.

The fact that my body was now drug-free was merely a side note.

Davis had locked me in the bathroom as punishment for feeding him placebos and nearly killing him. I suppose fair is fair, but that didn't make me any less angry, especially since he'd forgotten to feed me today.

ME: DAVIS!!!

That was when my phone rang.

ME: Hello?
DAVIS: Hey hubby.
ME: I'm going to rip your genital hair off and make you wear it as a goatee.
DAVIS: Now's not the time to get all flirty.
ME: Davis--
DAVIS: I'm at the hospital with Jeremy.

That instantly shut me up.

ME: Is it Joan?
DAVIS: No, it's him. He had to go to the e.r. with alcohol poisoning.
ME: Is he okay?
DAVIS: He will be, but it was touch and go there, and two near-death experiences in under a year might be too much for him.
ME: I'm on my way.
DAVIS: Take a cab. I borrowed your car.
ME: You're lucky you're at a hospital, because I'm going to kill you when I get there.
DAVIS: Remember, I'm still in a wheelchair.
ME: Hey wait a second, what bathroom have you been using?
DAVIS: The guy across the hall. He's cute and he has a jacuzzi tub.

Ah, love and marriage.

Aside From the Fact That We Hate Each Other

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

JEREMY: Why are there two of you?

I've been put in an interesting position.

I arrived at Prisms around midnight on Saturday, and the place was packed. There was a line eight guys deep trying to get into the men's room.

RANDOM GUY #1: Somebody's passed out in front of the door.
RANDOM GUY #2: I think it's that Jeremy kid.

Please keep in mind, I have not suddenly developed a heart of gold. I just really needed to pee.

I managed to push through the line, push through the men's room door, to find Jeremy laying down on the ground nearly unconscious.

ME: You realize we're going to have to dip your entire body in bleach after we get you out of here, right?
JEREMY: Murn furry skirt.
ME: I'll take that as a 'Ritchie, you win the feud.'

I grabbed him, pulled him into an upright position, and managed to get him out of the club and to my car.

Maybe it was the break-up with Billy, or the fact that he looked so pathetic, but I just couldn't forsake him.

JEREMY: Blah spit.
ME: Don't you dare throw up in my car. It still smells from the Carter days.
JEREMY: Hos-pit-al.

That's when I could tell that he was in really bad shape.

ME: Well why not. From what I hear, you're the last person in your family NOT to go into the hospital recently.

I was joking--until he started choking.

ME: Shit!

After speeding all the way there, they managed to get him on a gurney and into the emergency room before I knew what was happening.

One of the nurses looked at me.

NURSE: Are you his friend?

Before I could think about it, I replied--

ME: Yeah. I'm his friend.

Thank God for This Blanket

Hi, my name is Billy.

VOICE: Knock, knock.

I'm way too old to be hanging out in a dorm room waiting for my boyfriend to come back from the DIning Hall.

But here I am.

ME: Patrick?
PATRICK: So it's official? You and Jonathan--?

I really didn't want anything serious, but Jonathan refused to even kiss me unless we were in an official Facebook relationship together.

Why is it when you're younger you want to rush everything and when you get older you want to slow everything down? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

ME: Yeah, we're kind of seeing how it might work out if we were to, you know...
PATRICK: Okay, well, Facebook says you're dating. So I'm thinking that's pretty solid.
ME: Yeah, well...yeah.

Patrick came over and sat on the bed.

PATRICK: So I'm having a party this weekend at my parent's house and you guys should totally come.
ME: Yeah, that sounds like fun.
PATRICK: It'd probably be more fun if you just came by yourself.

Wow, the audacity on this guy.

Hitting on me in my boyfriend's room when he knows that I know that he's dating Billy.

It was kind of hot.

VOICE: What are you doing in here?

Until Jonathan showed up.

PATRICK: Just inviting you and your boyfriend to a party this weekend.
JONATHAN: We're going to be busy celebrating our two-week anniversary.

Oh my God...

ME: But we can spare an hour or so to have some fun.

Jonathan looked at me like I'd betrayed him.

He must have sensed something.

Like my raging erection.

PATRICK: Great. See you there.

Patrick practically skipped out of the room.

JONATHAN: So glad he's gone. I've been thinking about you all day.

Is it bad that when we proceeded with our...activities...Jonathan was not who I was thinking about?

Meet the Burrows

Hi, my name is Nathan.

PAIGE: This is so exciting!

This is a nightmare.

Paige wanted to meet her biological family, so I arranged for a family dinner.

ME: Paige, it's pretty much the same family you have now. My mom's single. She gave you up because your father was a soldier who died in some sort of accident.
PAIGE: Oh how tragic!
ME: And you have another brother.
PAIGE: Gay?
ME: I'm not sure there's a word for what Nolan is.

Normally, my little brother would be out of town on business. He's a--I kid you not--cosmetics salesman, who recently got his own line.

Nolan Cosmetics is already the third highest grossing cosmetics company in the country.

I was hoping that much responsibility would stabilize him, but giving him so much money has only made Nolan more out of control.

Luckily for everybody, he was in Providence the weekend I set up dinner with Paige.

NOLAN: Well if it isn't the newest addition to the family! Then again, maybe 'new' is too strong a word--
ME: Best behavior, Nolan.
PAIGE: Oh please, don't. It's like finding out I have Jackson as a brother all over again.

Mom was in the kitchen when we arrived.

ME: Mom?
MOM: She's here?
ME: Yeah.
MOM: I hope she likes bacon-wrapped scallops.
ME: Mom, anything wrapped in bacon is pretty much a win.

She gave me a big hug.

MOM: I'm nervous.
ME: Don't be. She's going to love you.
MOM: After what I did?
ME: You gave her up because you weren't sure you could raise three kids on your own. You wanted her to have a better life.
MOM: Did she?
VOICE: It depends what you mean by 'better.'

We turned around to see Paige standing in the kitchen. With her so close to my mom, the resemblance was more than clear.

MOM: Hello Paige.
PAIGE: Hi.

It seemed like Mom couldn't help herself any more. She ran over and gave Paige a big hug. Paige seemed shocked.

PAIGE: Sorry. We just don't really...hug...where I'm from.

I felt someone tugging at my sleeve. Nolan had wandered into the room.

NOLAN: Nathan, could I speak to you for a second?
ME: Are you going to try and get me to switch my lipstick brand? Because I'll have you know I'm very attached.
NOLAN: Very funny.

Uh oh.

We went into the downstairs bathroom while Mom and Paige chatted.

NOLAN: Nathan, I have stayed out of your life for almost four years. I don't go to clubs in Providence. I haven't asked to meet your friends. I'm not even sure what school you go to.
ME: Wow, you're really gunning for Brother of the Year, aren't you?
NOLAN: The point is--I haven't interfered. And now this--
ME: Nolan, I brought our sister back into our lives. I thought you would want that.
NOLAN: I am on the verge of taking the number two spot in this country in eye shadow and you give my competitors a family scandal?
ME: What scandal? This is all going fine.
NOLAN: This is poised to blow up in our faces.
ME: Well, if it does, it does. There's no going back now.

Something about Nolan's facial expression told me that he wasn't so sure about that.

But c'mon, you can't undo something like this.

Can you?

NOLAN: Just remember that if I have to clean up your mess, I'm going to do it my way--and you might not like it.
ME: Nolan, I realize you haven't actually gotten to know Paige, but she's been raised by people a lot tougher than you. I wouldn't mess with her.

Just then the bathroom door opened, and there was the newest mother/daughter team.

MOM: Boys! Dinner's ready!

Nolan put on his best smile, but behind those eyes, I could already see the wheels turning.

And Straight on 'Til Morning

Hi, my name is Joey.

PATRICK: So how does it feel being free and clear?

I'm not free and clear.

ME: It feels...weird.

After I caught Patrick and Adam texting online, I started spending more time other places...and by other places, I mean Patrick's house.

We haven't done anything...really...but I'm not entirely sure I'd say I'm single either.

The whole thing is made even more complicated by the fact that Patrick has indicated that he did what he did to trap Adam.

PATRICK: And it worked. Hook, line, and whore.

Nobody's really supporting this whole thing, not even Ritchie.

RITCHIE: As someone who just got dumped for one of those freshmen, I can't really go with you on this one, kid.
ME: But I feel so awesome when I'm with Patrick.
RITCHIE: That's because you feel young because he's young and you're not.
ME: I am too!
RITCHIE: There's young and then there's embryonic.
ME: Ewww!
RITCHIE: He still has placenta on him.
ME: EWWW!!!

Maybe he's right--not about the placenta, but about the age thing.

PATRICK: Hey, tomorrow me and the besties are going to play laser tag and then grab lunch at Panera. You in?

It's just that I'm having so much fun.

ME: Sure, I'm in.
PATRICK: Cool. Now take off your shirt.

Maybe a little too much fun.

Like Trains on the Same Track

Hi, my name is Jackson.

SIMON: Hey Jackson, you're here early.

Lately, I've found myself getting to school about an hour before rehearsal for the musical actually begins.

With Jeremy going cuckoo for cocoa puffs, Mom in a coma, and Paige having an identity crisis, I need to go somewhere else for peace and quiet.

I was in the Fish Bowl when Billy's friend Simon walked in.

ME: Believe it or not, I'd prefer to be here rather than home. There are less knives being thrown.
SIMON: Sorry to hear that.
ME: Eh, it is what it is.
SIMON: That thing you did last night at rehearsal was really funny.
ME: You mean when I tripped Patrick and he fell into the wall?
SIMON: Yeah.
ME: That wasn't a 'thing.' I just don't like him.
SIMON: Oh.
ME: But I do plan on doing it every night. So you'll get to see it again.
SIMON: Ahhh cool.

This kid is clearly on the shy side.

And there's nothing hotter than a shy guy.

Too bad I've been reforming myself. Plus Billy threatened me with regards to Simon, and I don't think he was fooling around.

SIMON: Would you maybe want to grab something to eat before rehearsal?
ME: Uh, well...

Billy.
Billy.
Billy.

ME: Billy--
SIMON: --doesn't have to know?

Bingo.

Do I Look Like Mighty Mouse?

Hi, my name is Ben.

IVAN: Helloooooo Prisms!

The snowmobile has arrived.

JEREMY: Ben, what are you doing here?
IVAN: Maybe he's trying to give us a run for our money.
ME: Ivan, can I talk to you for a second?

When Jackson called me to tell me that Jeremy was heading to Prisms to take on some sort of stupid challenge, I was already downtown working at the theater.

ME: I'll go check it out.

It seems to me like Ivan has been a big part of Jeremy's downward spiral, so I decided that I needed to have a little heart-to-heart with him.

IVAN: What can I help you with, champ?

...Or maybe a fist-to-face.

ME: Um, first off--
IVAN: Wow, presumptuous.
ME: Huh?
IVAN: That you're going to get a 'second of all' in here. We're kind of on a mission, champ.
ME: Okay, no more champ. And, I will get in as many 'of all's as I want, because you are seriously screwing up my business partner.
IVAN: Oh right, your business partner.
ME: Do I detect italics there?
IVAN: Look, I know why you showed up here. You thought your friend needed rescuing, but here's a surprise: He's fine. He needs this right now, okay? He needs a little fun. You CBQ's are all too damn serious.
ME: Hey kitten, here's a surprise: Jeremy was always the serious one of the group. He's the one who kept us all in line.
IVAN: Then maybe he needed a break.

As if to prove his point, we both heard a yell from the bar.

There was Jeremy, dancing--fulfilling the Wilde challenge.

JEREMY: Hey Ben! I'm five hundred bucks richer!
BEN: Not really something you want to yell out at a bar!

Ivan shot me a "See he's fine" look.

IVAN: Maybe what he really needs is some space.

He shrugged, and walked away.

As much as I hate to say it, maybe he has a point.

The Revenge of James Caan

Hi, my name is Davis.

HANK: Do you want another pillow?
ME: Mememememememe...
HANK: The doctors said it was going to take a little while for you to get your bearings. I'm going to go make you some soup. You're not mad at me for giving you placebos, are you? I'm going to start going to whatever place you go to when you're addicted to pills. We can go through recovery together, won't that be fun?
ME: Mememememememe...
HANK: Exactly.

As soon as that dickhead left the room, I rolled myself out of bed and into my wheelchair.

Since Davis is my husband, and since I use his Healthcare, I can't kill him.

But I can give him something better.

I rolled into the closet across from the bathroom and started screaming.

As soon as Hank came running, I rammed into him using my wheelchair, shoving him into the bathroom. Before he could get up, I slammed the door shut, and placed a broom in front of it.

HANK'S VOICE: Davis? What are you doing?
ME: I believe it's called an intervention.
HANK'S VOICE: What?
ME: You're going to get all that nasty stuff out of your system while we wait for the snowstorm to wear off.
HANK'S VOICE: Um, Davis, you sound like you're losing it.
ME: It's possible. Almost dying can do that to you.
HANK'S VOICE: Davis, if I'm trapped in here, who will take care of you?
ME: I'm sure I can find someone who can do as good a job as you've been doing so far, Hank.

While he was pounding on the door, my phone started ringing.

ME: Hello?
JACKSON'S VOICE: Davis, it's me.
ME: You can't just say it's me. The only difference between your voice and Jeremy's voice is a slight lisp.
JACKSON: One, sorry you didn't die. Two, Jeremy's missing.
ME: What?
JACKSON: His car is still here, and he's gone. It's awful outside. Where could he be?
ME: Maybe he went for a walk?
JACKSON: I thought they said you WEREN'T taking your drugs?
ME: Have you tried calling him?
JACKSON: His phone is here and...

He trailed off.

ME: What?
JACKSON: Have you seen the Wilde Blog today?
ME: No, why?
JACKSON: I think I know where he is.

If it involves the Wilde Blog, this can't be good.

Up for the Challenge

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

WILDE: Did you boys miss me?

Looks like someone's taken up Wilde's old domain.

The New Wilde Blog.com hit the web running, and I have to hand it to whoever is writing for it--the site looks great.

WILDE: I thought I'd issue my first Wilde Challenge.

Huh?

WILDE: That's right kids, we're going to have ourselves a little competition.

This can't be good.

WILDE: Tonight's another winter storm in Providence, but when did a little precipitation ever stop anybody from having a good time?

A little precipitation? It was a disaster outside. I'm not even sure anything is open.

WILDE: At midnight tonight, anybody that's dancing on the bar at Prisms will receive a cool five hundred bucks.

Five hundred bucks?

WILDE: I've left it with the bartender in a cute little pink envelope. Now, if there are more than one person on the box at midnight, you'll have to split the cash. That means you might want to get your kicking shoes out, kids.

I could definitely use the money. Now that I've taken up having a drink now and then, cash has been a little tight.

Jackson's holed up at the hospital in case Mom wakes up and tries taking a doctor hostage. Paige is with Nathan getting to know her new brother. Davis just got released and is back home recuperating and/or eating Hank alive for feeding him placebos.

That means I really don't have plans so...

If I said I want your body now...

There's my phone.

ME: Hello?
IVAN: Did you see the challenge?
ME: Wow, word travels fast.
IVAN: Are you up for it?
ME: Ivan, it's really bad out.
IVAN: I'll make you a deal. You can keep the whole five hundred. I just want to have an adventure.

It was already eight o'clock. If nobody saw that post and decided to go insane in the next four hours, then that money was mine.

ME: Let me get a shovel. My car must look like a carton of ice cream.
IVAN: Better idea.

I heard a noise outside.

When I looked out the window, there was Ivan.

On a snowmobile.

It's going to be a good night.

Facebook Ruins Lives

Hi, my name is Adam.

ME: So is your fake mom going to be okay?
PAIGE: She's in a coma. I'm so relieved.

Paige and I were Facebook chatting about her disaster of a family, when another chat box popped open.

PATRICK: Hey :o)

I haven't really talked to Patrick much, but he seems sort of fun.

ME: I have to try and get some homework done.
PAIGE: That's okay. I have to go find Joan's plug so I can pull it out.
ME: Good luck with that.
PAIGE: Thanks.

I checked over my shoulder to see if the light in the bedroom was on. Joey had been reading, but now I could hear the shower running.

ME: So what's up?
PATRICK: Um...me lol

Whoa, what was going on here?

ME: That's...interesting.
PATRICK: Yeah lol

Great. He's a constant LOLer.

PATRICK: Wanna help me out with that?
ME: Uh how?
PATRICK: Tell me what you would do if you were here :o)

And here's the bad part...

...I did.

It's just that Joey and I hadn't...been doing anything lately.

He'd just been so distant ever since we moved in together, and...

JOEY: Adam?

The laptop fell off my lap and landed on the floor.

ME: Hey, um, how was your--
JOEY: Shower?
ME: Yeah, that.
JOEY: It was...okay. Who are you talking to on Facebook?
ME: Nobody, I--nobody.

He moved towards the laptop. I tried to stand in his way, but he lightly pushed me aside, bent down, and picked it up.

It was only about a paragraph worth of text, but it was pretty damning all the same.

Joey looked at me with--not hurt, really, but sort of...disappointment...mixed with...relief?

JOEY: I think you're sleeping on the couch tonight.
ME: Yeah, I think I am.

I'm not trying to take the blame off me, but something about the whole situation just felt like...

...A trap.

Some Animals Eat Their Young

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: The important thing is that she didn't mean to shoot you.

I never thought I'd hear myself say that sentence.

What am I saying? With this group, there are no guarantees.

After establishing that he and Paige are siblings, Nathan dropped an even bigger bomb.

He revealed who shot Jeremy.

JEREMY: Mom, how could you do this?

Yup.

Mommie Dearest pulled the trigger.

JOAN: Sweetie, I wasn't aiming for you.
ME: She was aiming for Davis.
JOAN: He had hired a detective. I thought he knew about Nathan. I was afraid he would tell someone.
JACKSON: So you were going to shoot him?
JOAN: A mother does desperate things to protect her children.
JEREMY: You can understand how I might take issue with the word 'protect' since you SHOT ME!

Joan was having better luck winning over her non-relatives.

BEN: Look, it's all done with, right? Why don't we just let it go?
JEREMY: Let it go? You want me to let of the fact that my own mother shot me?
PAIGE: Or that she's been framing Nathan for it?
NATHAN: Well, not exactly.

All eyes turned to Nathan.

NATHAN: I saw her do it.
ME: That's right. So why didn't you say anything?
NATHAN: I didn't want to screw up your family, especially after I found out that we're sort of...connected.
JACKSON: Ah yes, six degrees of insanity.
JEREMY: Enough of this. I'm calling the cops.

Joan jumped in front of him.

JEREMY: Move, mother.
JOAN: Darling, think about what you're doing.
JEREMY: I'm preventing you from ruining my life any more than you already have.
JOAN: You'll be putting the final nail in the coffin of this family!
JACKSON: Jeremy, do you want to use my cell phone?
JOAN: You can't do this!
JEREMY: Paige, you get the last vote.

We all looked at Paige.

PAIGE: Hey, she's not my mother.

Joan bolted for the door.

BEN: Somebody stop her.

We all ran into the hallway to see her fly down the stairs.

I managed to get ahead of the pack, but as soon as I was outside, I heard the brakes screech, and the sickening sound of a body hitting the pavement.

By the time everyone else was outside, I was already on the phone with the ambulance.

JEREMY: What happened?
ME: Ask him.

I pointed to the driver of the car that hit Joan.

BILLY: She just ran out in front of me.

What?

Are you surprised?

What We Have Here is a Situation

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

VOICE: Okay, kitten. Time to wake up.

I'm tied to a bed.

VOICE: At least he's not dead.

And I don't mean that in a frisky way.

When I opened my eyes, Billy and Simon were standing on either side of the bed looking rather panicky. Well, Billy looked panicky. Simon looked like a member of the Donner party.

ME: Is this some sort of weird sex thing? Because so far, I'm only kind of into it.

Billy sat down on the bed.

BILLY: Ritchie, I don't think our relationship is working out.
ME: Because you're sexting with some eighteen-year-old whore from school and your friend just knocked me out with a frying pan?
BILLY: Let's not try to pinpoint exactly what the problem is. What matters is that we try to end things amicably.
ME: How about having you two arrested? Would that be amicable enough for you?

Simon took a step towards the bed, but Billy held up his hand, and he stopped.

ME: I see now you're the Gay Whisperer.
BILLY: Simon, I need to talk to my boyfriend--
ME: Ex!
BILLY: --Ex-boyfriend for a second.

Simon left the room.

BILLY: Look, I'm sorry about all this, but Simon was only trying to protect me. You threw me on the kitchen table.
ME: I guess when Jackson does it, it's hot.
BILLY: Do you want to take potshots at me or do you want to get untied?

Silence.

ME: I'm listening.

Billy leaned in and whispered.

BILLY: There's really no good way to say this, so I'm just going to come right out with it. Simon is crazy.
ME: News flash.
BILLY: Ritchie, trust me, you need to let me untie you, and then get him out of here. You do not want to push this.
ME: Or else what? He'll hit me with a colander?
BILLY: He's dangerous, Ritchie.
ME: Then why are you friends with him?
BILLY: It's a long story.
ME: Do I look like I'm going anywhere?
BILLY: It's better if you don't know.

He started to untie me.

ME: So this is how it ends? With you taking off with your psycho friend and me here alone with rope burn?

Billy gave me a kiss on the cheek.

BILLY: The truth is, I think I still have feelings for Jeremy.
ME: Ha! You don't have a prayer.

Billy started to walk away.

ME: Hey wait! You didn't finish untying me.

He smiled, and then threw my cell phone at me from the night stand.

ME: You used to be pretty popular, right? Call someone who cares.

With that, he was out the door.

Oddly enough, it was one of my more amicable break-ups.

The House Guest

Hi, my name is Billy.

SIMON: I made a casserole for dinner--

Simon's been here for...

SIMON: --But I burnt it.

...A while now.

RITCHIE'S VOICE: Billy!

First thought?

Please tell me he didn't go through my phone.

RITCHIE'S VOICE: BILLY!

Second thought, he definitely went through my phone.

When he came into the kitchen carrying the phone, I realized that my instincts are way better than I give them credit for.

RITCHIE: Who's Jonathan?
ME: A guy.
RITCHIE: A guy?
ME: From school.
SIMON: He's cute.
ME: Simon!
SIMON: What? He is.
RITCHIE: And he's texted my boyfriend forty-seven times today alone.
SIMON: That's a lot.

Ritchie grabbed me and pushed me onto the kitchen table.

RITCHIE: Are you cheating on me?
ME: Ritchie, knock it off.
RITCHIE: I figured maybe you'd go back to Jeremy, but I didn't think--
ME: Stop it!
RITCHIE: Why are you pretending you don't like it rough? Or maybe I'm not going rough enough. Maybe I should--

That's when the frying pan went across the side of his head.

He was on the floor--unconscious.

Simon was standing there with the frying pan.

SIMON: Ready for dinner?

Oh no, I thought...

Not again.

This Is Where Things Get Complicated

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JACKSON: The hospital called. Davis is going to be fine now that he's actually, you know, getting his medication.
HANK: Salt, wound, got it.
JEREMY: Hank, there's really no good way to say this, why are you still here?
HANK: Hey, you never know, I might be related to you guys too.

This exchanged happened while I was sitting at the kitchen table in Jeremy's apartment. Joan had rushed out of the hospital and taken a taxi to who knows where leaving me to deal with the fall-out.

Paige was sitting across from me.

PAIGE: So...you knew?

Ben came out of the kitchen. Sometimes I wish we were still dating. Sometimes I--

BEN: Nathan?

I looked up at him. Then I realized everybody was looking at me.

BEN: I think it's time you talked.
JEREMY: I agree.
PAIGE: Jeremy--
JEREMY: And Hank, it's actually great you're here, since Davis can't explain why he lied about being Paige's brother.
HANK: He didn't lie. Your psychopathic mother did.
JACKSON: We prefer to call her McCrazypants.

I cleared my throat.

ME: She told me.
HANK: You sure she didn't lie to you too?
ME: I...uh...I got it confirmed. From my mother.
PAIGE: Oh my God.
ME: She told me last year, when I was in the...um...
JACKSON: Cult?
ME: Yeah. That. She thought I might already know, and she wanted me to keep it a secret.
JEREMY: So you didn't know until then?
ME: No. I didn't know I had a little sister.
PAIGE: Didn't you remember? From when you were a kid?
ME: I remember my mom being said for awhile, and later my Dad said she miscarried. That was it.

Jeremy was pacing. He looked like a caged animal.

JEREMY: So did you find about this before and after you tried to kill me?
BEN: Okay, can we just--
JEREMY: Was this some sort of weird, jealously thing?
BEN: Jeremy, stop.
JEREMY: God, I need a drink.
JACKSON: That's the last thing you need.
HANK: I'll have one.
PAIGE: I want to know.

Silence.

PAIGE: I want to know why you shot him.
BEN: Jesus.
PAIGE: He's my brother. You're, apparently, sort of, my brother. I need to know. I need to know why.
ME: I didn't.

Everybody checked in with everybody to see if they actually heard what I just said.

ME: I didn't shoot Jeremy.

I could tell they believed me. The truth sounds like the truth, doesn't it?

JEREMY: Do you know who did?

I started nodding before I said--

ME: Yes.

The door to the apartment opened--

ME: The person who did just walked in.

--and there it was.

The truth.

Skating with the Gays

Hi, my name is Joey.

ADAM: I'm going to fall.

My boyfriend is going to fall on his ass in about five seconds.

ADAM: Falling!

And he's going to bring me down with him.

ADAM: Ahhh!

Unless I don't let him.

ME: I got you.

Instead, I save us both.

Funny how that's possible.

ADAM: Aw, love you.

Until it isn't.

A group of us from the musical decided to go ice skating downtown as a sort of cast bonding experience. I was against the idea. Mainly because it meant having Adam and--

PATRICK: Smooth moves there, Adam.

--Patrick in the same place.

The freshman has been trying to get me alone ever since our lunch where I told him we couldn't hang out because I have a boyfriend and--

JONATHAN: Whoa! Sorry!

--Seems like trouble has a way of just ramming right into you nowadays.

BILLY: Easy there, kid.

Jonathan skated on ahead. Adam looked uneasy.

ADAM: Making friends with the new kids, huh Billy?
BILLY: They're nice, Adam. Don't forget. You were them last year.
ME: Where's Ritchie?

For a second I thought Billy looked, what's the word?

BILLY: He doesn't like ice skating.

Guilty.

I wonder...

BILLY: See you guys at Starbucks later.

He skated on ahead.

ADAM: That is a big pile of trouble just waiting to happen.

On the word 'trouble,' I looked across the rink at Patrick.

And I wondered again...

ME: Yeah, big trouble.

Did Billy recognize the same look on my face that he had on his?

Let's Clear Some Things Up

Hi, my name is Jackson.

ME: That's all we need in this f**ked up little family--a pill popper.

We all just found out that Hank has been taking Davis' medication, and has been giving him vitamins instead.

HANK: That's not true! I sold out of his meds online!

Sorry, I stand corrected.

JEREMY: You could have killed him!
HANK: Organic medicine is better for you anyway.
ME: Oh really? Then why don't you try tapering off your drug addiction with some B12?
BEN: You could have killed him!
JOAN: And left a paper trail.
RECEPTIONIST: Could you all please be quiet?
JEREMY, HANK, BEN, JOAN, and ME: Shut up!

It was at this moment that Paige realized she actually had a legal right to see Davis.

Of course, she was calm and collected.

PAIGE: I NEED TO SEE MY BROTHER!

Shirley Maclaine made less of a fuss in Terms of Endearment.

NATHAN: I should probably go.
ME: You sure you don't want to stab anybody first?
JOAN: Jackson, you're not helping.
ME: But having the man who shot your son here is?
JEREMY: We're focusing on Hank right now.
HANK: But maybe we should focus on someone else.
BEN: Not a chance.
NATHAN: I'll just go.
ME: And how about this time you don't come back?
BEN: Enough!

Ben shoved me. I shoved him back. Jeremy tried to get between us, but before he could, I pushed Ben onto the coffee table, and tried getting a punch in. I could feel Nathan trying to push me off, but then I heard Jeremy yell.

JEREMY: DON'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR MY BROTHER!

I stopped and looked up. Jeremy had grabbed a pen from the Receptionist's desk, and had it up to Nathan's throat.

JEREMY: I should have done this a long time ago.
BEN: Jeremy, stop.
ME: Okay, Jeremy, relax.
JEREMY: You all want to know why I've been acting the way I have? He's why!
HANK: And now he's going to be the reason you go to prison.
JOAN: Listen to Hank, sweetheart.
ME: I'm not sure he should be listening to Hank when Hank nearly killed someone.
HANK: It was nothing personal! I just needed the drugs!
RECEPTIONIST: I'm calling the police!
PAIGE: Why are you all making this about you? This is about my brother!
NATHAN: HE'S NOT YOUR BROTHER!

Silence.

Jeremy dropped his pen down an inch.

JEREMY: What are you talking about?
JOAN: Jeremy, don't let say anything. He's a liar. He hurt you. He--
NATHAN: Paige, I'm your brother.

This time the pen hit the floor, and Mom went down with it.

NATHAN: I'm your brother.

The hits just keep on coming.

Just Not the Flinstone Kind

Hi, my name is Ben.

ME: How's he doing?
JEREMY: They don't know. They don't even know how this happened.

When I heard Davis got rushed to the hospital, I got there as fast as I could. Unfortunately, that meant having to bring along my new intern.

NATHAN: What happened?
JACKSON: I see you brought the assassin.
ME: Shut up, Jackson. You've thrown people out of cars.
HANK: He means me.
JEREMY: Ben, can I talk to you for a second?

He pulled me aside. There was no way I was going to let him lecture me on bringing Nathan here when he brought his human yo-yo to the theater.

ME: Look, he and I were meeting about--
JEREMY: It's not about Nathan.
ME: Really?
JEREMY: Believe it or not, there are bigger problems.
ME: Like what?
JEREMY: I told everyone that the doctors weren't updating us, but that's not true. When we first got in, I told them that I was Davis brother and I didn't tell them about Hank.
ME: Okay, but what--
JEREMY: Davis hasn't been taking his medication, Ben.

As he was saying this, I could see the bottle of pills in his hand.

ME: Then what are those?

Jeremy held them up as if holding up a bloody knife.

ME: Vitamins.

So much for those keeping you out of the hospital.

Extended Family

Hi, my name is Davis.

JOAN: Our first family dinner!

Can someone please explain to me how I wound up related to this woman?

HANK: Jeremy, you and I are finally siblings.
JEREMY: Hank, even if Paige and Davis really are siblings--
JOAN: They are, darling.
JACKSON: It still wouldn't change anything aside from who Paige borrows money from.
JEREMY: Exactly.
PAIGE: Aw, I miss you guys already.

Joan was serving the meal at Jeremy and Jackson's place. I couldn't eat much since the treatment makes my stomach send back everything I try serving it, but I have to admit, it was a little nice being around a family. Even a really screwed up one.

ME: Thanks for having us to dinner.
JEREMY: Davis, you can come to dinner here anytime you want.
JACKSON: When it isn't being thrown around the room at whomever says something dumb.
JOAN: That was one time!

Jeremy slammed his hands down on the table.

JACKSON: And it begins.
JEREMY: This is ridiculous.
JACKSON: It's like our seder.
JEREMY: Mom, Davis is not Paige's brother.
JOAN: Darling, I know this must be hard for you.
JEREMY: No, it's not. Because it's not true. Paige may not be our sister, but there is no way--even in a state this small--that she is the sister of my best friend.
PAIGE: But Jeremy, think how much fun that would be!
JEREMY: That's just it, Paige. Think about the way our lives work. Does anything ever happen for the best? If you're someone else's sister, that means you're the sister of somebody that none of us would approve of.

Jeremy has a point.

HANK: Joan, maybe if you told us how this all--
JOAN: Davis' parents gave up Paige for adoption and then they died and we all lived happily ever after. End of story.
JACKSON: That's nearly as plausible as the story of how Mom's not an alcoholic.

That was when the first dinner roll went flying.

JOAN: Let's exercise the family tradition of eating in silence, shall we?

But I couldn't eat. I couldn't even think. Suddenly everything was becoming blurry.

JEREMY: Davis, are you--

I was already falling off my chair.

Luckily, I think this family has 9-1-1 on speed dial.

Working Overtime

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

IVAN: Are we going to get in trouble?
ME: Ivan, I own half the company. Relax.

Ivan and I stopped by the theater space after a night out at the club once my intervention/e.r. fiasco was complete.

IVAN: So your mom is fine?
ME: Just having one of her 'nobody is paying attention to me so my body is shutting down' incidents.
IVAN: Does she do that a lot?
ME: Usually only when one of her children is in trouble or experiencing happiness.
IVAN: Well, at least nobody got hurt.
ME: Yeah, and the whole thing was so distracting everybody forgot about the intervention.
IVAN: I think people who are capable of forgetting an intervention probably shouldn't be throwing an intervention in the first place.
ME: You stage an intervention. You don't throw it. It's not a surprise party.
IVAN: It kind of is--just not for the person it's being thrown for.

I was really hoping we'd both be high by now, but with the way the conversation was going, it might not even be necessary.

IVAN: Hey, I have a surprise for you.
ME: Oh yeah? What?

That was when he picked me up, pushed me onto my desk, and started sucking on my neck.

ME: Ivan--
IVAN: Nobody's here.
ME: I'd like to just go one day without acting irresponsible.
IVAN: Great. That day can be tomorrow.

He took off my shirt and started kissing down my stomach. I started unbuttoning his pants.

Then--

VOICE: WHOA!

The lights came on.

BEN: What the hell are you doing?

I threw my shirt on, but I think Ben was aware that I wasn't auditioning Ivan for a role.

Then again--

BEN: Jeremy, can I see you in private for a second?
IVAN: I think you've seen a lot of private stuff already, bro.
BEN: Bro?
ME: Ben, relax.
BEN: Don't tell me to relax. You're having sex in the office.
ME: It's not like I'm billing anybody for it.
BEN: I'm guessing the intervention didn't take.
ME: YOU KNEW ABOUT THAT?

Ben threw down the stack of papers he was carrying. They fell everywhere.

ME: I guess I'm cleaning those up.
BEN: Don't bother. Our new intern can do it.
ME: Intern?
BEN: Yeah, I just decided to hire him.
ME: What's his name?

Ben smiled.

BEN: Nathan.

In other words, the guy who shot me.

We're All Here Because We Love You

Hi, my name is Adam.

JEREMY: What the hell are you all doing here?

This is an intervention.

JEREMY: Is this an intervention?
HANK: No.
PAIGE: Hank! Yes, it is!
HANK: I thought we were lying to him?
JACKSON: We lied to him to get him here. Now he's here, so we don't have to lie anymore.
DAVIS: Jeremy, I have Gaga tickets in my car. You sit here for an hour, and they're yours.

Jeremy quietly sat down.

DAVIS: See how easy that was?
JOAN: Not all of us are interested in buying what we want.
JACKSON: This from the woman who spent more on her last purse than she did on my birthday present.
JOAN: I bought you a birthday present?
JEREMY: I bought the damn present!
JACKSON: Figures.
ME: HEY!

Everybody looked at me.

ME: I'm running this intervention. I'm the one who's seen the show a million times. Now everybody just shut up until it's your turn to talk. I have the talking frog.

I held up the stuffed animal we found in Paige's room.

JEREMY: I cannot believe this is happening.
ME: Jeremy, we're all here because we love you.
JOEY: Some of us were told there'd be cake.
JEREMY: You don't think you're all being just a little hypocritical?
HANK: Why hypocritical? We're not drunk messes.

Everybody turned and looked at Joan.

JOAN: Maybe I should go get some coffee!

Joan got up to go to the kitchen.

JEREMY: Davis, you--
DAVIS: I know what you're going to say, and yes, I've acted really badly in the past.
HANK: The past?
DAVIS: Last week--but I was never out of control. Jeremy, you're out of control.

Jeremy stood up.

JEREMY: You know what--
JACKSON: Jeremy, sit down.
JEREMY: Great. Another slutty peanut from the gallery!
JACKSON: We're all worried about you!
JEREMY: No, you're worried because for once there isn't anybody to clean up your messes! Suddenly you have to do it yourself! Oh, and Heaven forbid if I should need taking care of!
PAIGE: Sweetie, we're willing to help you. But you have to let us.
DAVIS: We know this all goes back to the shooting.

Uh oh.

ME: Let's not dig up the past. This is about the future.
JEREMY: Do you all understand that somebody shot me? And they're still out there walking around! They might even be someone I know!
HANK: Of course it's someone you know. It's Nathan. It had to be.
ME: It's not Nathan.

Now all eyes were on me.

ME: Um...I mean...probably not.
PAIGE: Adam--
JEREMY: Did you remember something?
ME: I just remembered that it wasn't Nathan. That's all.
DAVIS: But wouldn't you have to remember that it was someone else to remember that it wasn't Nathan?
HANK: What exactly do you remember?
ME: I--

Suddenly there was a crash from the kitchen.

JEREMY: Mom?

We all ran into the next room where Joan was lying on the floor unconscious.

JACKSON: I'm going to call 9-1-1.

So much for the intervention.

A Few Little Pills Never Hurt

Hi, my name is Hank.

DAVIS: I need another two.
ME: No chance.

Medicating Davis has become my new full-time job.

DAVIS: C'mon, Hank. I just found out I have a sister. This hasn't exactly been your typical week.
ME: These pills are really addictive. I can't just give it to you whenever you feel like it.
DAVIS: I've had those sorts of relationships before, and let me tell you something, they're a lot better than this.
ME: Actually, we should be weaning you off the pills.
DAVIS: Nooo! I hate weaning!

I don't plan on weaning Davis off the drugs completely. After all, I've discovered that they do wonders for me.

After sneaking one or two here and there, I decided that it's fun to be medicated.

Oh go ahead, and judge me, but you try being in a sham marriage with a sick person and see if it doesn't put you on edge.

ME: You know, you shouldn't take Joan at her word.
DAVIS: My detective backed it up.
ME: I can't believe you hired a detective.
DAVIS: It was for Jeremy. To find out if Paige was up to something with this whole adoption thing.
ME: Why would Paige be up to something?
DAVIS: I don't know, but don't you think it's a little strange that she turns out to be my sister?
ME: Did your parents--
DAVIS: My parents both died when I was young. My grandparents raised me. They never mentioned a daughter.
ME: So you're saying there's a chance?

Knock, knock.

ME: I'll get it.
DAVIS: If there were a chance, it would be great. A bone marrow donor could save my life.

I opened the door.

PAIGE: Hi Hank, is my brother here?

I'm going to need to refill Davis' prescription.

Overheard in the Men's Room

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ME: Joey, will you please take off those stupid sunglasses? We’re inside.
JOEY: I don’t want anyone to see me with you.

Ever since Jeremy and I stopped being friends, our little group has divided.

Since Joey is dating Adam and Adam is best friends with Paige and Paige is Jeremy’s adopted sister—

God, I hate Rhode Island .

ME: We’re just getting a drink. I figured you’d need to get out of the house now that you’re caged in with Adam.
JOEY: No saying nasty things about my boyfriend!
ME: So you’re saying you don’t hate being tied up?
JOEY: Ew, we don’t do that.
ME: I meant—never mind.

I excused myself to use the men’s room. Due to my aversion for urinals, I went into a stall and closed the door. A few seconds later, I heard voices.

Dear God, I thought, please do not let me hear bathroom sex.

VOICE #1: I wonder if he’s here by himself.
VOICE #2: Joey doesn’t go anywhere by himself.

Wait, that second voice was Jeremy.

VOICE #1: He looked scared to see you.
JEREMY: That’s how he always looks. He’s like a perpetual wombat.

The recorder on my IPhone went on faster than a hooker’s make-up.

VOICE #1: He was nice to me at the wedding.
JEREMY: Ivan, Joey’s nice to everyone to their face. He’s incredibly fake.

That’s right, baby. Keep talking.

IVAN: So why does Adam like him?
JEREMY: Because Adam only dates people who hate him. He gets off on it.

Please, let him keep going.

JEREMY: Billy’s the same way.
IVAN: What about Ben?
JEREMY: Ben just needs to be the good-looking one in the relationship. That’s why he stayed with Nathan for so long. He’d be too insecure with somebody attractive.

That must be why he had a thing for you.

IVAN: I can’t keep all you guys straight.
JEREMY: Here let me summarize.

Oh yes, please do.

JEREMY: Davis likes to think he’s a bigshot, Ben is an eternal asshole, my brother Jackson needs constant attention, Nathan is nuts, Billy is clinically self-conscious, Joey is two-faced, Adam is spoiled, Hank is needy, and I’m a mess.

You can say that last part again.

Wait until I post this online. That ought to get a few friends over to my side.

IVAN: What about that guy Ritchie?

There was a bit of silence.

Go ahead, Jeremy, I thought, let me have it.

JEREMY: Actually, I kind of miss Ritchie. He was always there for me when I needed him. Oh well. Are we going to go trip, or what?
IVAN: Here’s your magic pill, kid.

I think the IPhone was still recording when the bathroom door shut.

He misses me?

The Freshman

Hi, my name is Billy.

JONATHAN: Excuse me, but you’re doing it wrong.
ME: Excuse me, but excuse me?

Why is it that every year there’s another freshman who thinks he knows everything?

I was thinking that this year it would be Patrick, but so far he’s too busy hitting on Joey when Adam’s not looking.

And so the winner is—

JONATHAN: It’s supposed to go step, clap, clap, down. You’re only clapping once, and then going down.
JACKSON : Usually he goes down, and then gives you the clap.
ME: Shut up, Jackson .

I was hoping that Jackson wouldn’t get in the musical this year, but not only did he get in—

JACKSON : Fine, I’ll just go back to looking at all my lines.

He got the lead.

JACKSON : My many, many lines.
HANK: …Of coke.
JACKSON : Shut up, Hank.

This might be why it takes us two weeks to block one number.

After rehearsal, I walked out to my car to find Jonathan waiting for me.

JONATHAN: I didn’t mean to sound like a jerk.
ME: It’s okay. You just might want to think about how you phrase things.
JONATHAN: I try, but when I’m around you, I get really nervous.

Instantly, he began to blush.

JONATHAN: I mean, you guys. When I’m around, you know, you guys, and, um, you know what? I’m just going to walk back to the dorms. Sorry. Really. Yeah.

It’s funny. All that stuttering and twitching—

ME: Hey wait.
--It reminded me of Jeremy.

ME: Do you need a ride back to the dorms?

Even funnier?

He has Jeremy’s smile too.

A Business Proposal

Hi, my name is Nathan.

BEN: Is this a joke?

I just went into the lion's den.

BEN: This had better be good.

Part of my new theater administration degree program is an internship with an independent theater for the semester.

And after trying every other theater in town, I had no choice but to go to Ben.

BEN: You're aware that half this company is run by Jeremy, right?
ME: Do you think I'd be here if I had any other choice?
BEN: He's never going to let you work here, Nathan.
ME: I was thinking maybe he wouldn't have to know.
BEN: Aren't you supposed to be trying to convince me that you're not insane?

I explained to Ben that I could do most of the marketing for the company without Jeremy even having to know about it. It would take some weight off Ben--which apparently would be welcome with Jeremy slowly unraveling--and I could complete my internship.

BEN: I can't do something like this behind Jeremy's back.
ME: Why not? You said you're done with him personally anyway.
BEN: Personally, yes. Professionally--
ME: Ben--
BEN: Did you shoot him?

It was the first time anyone ever came right out and asked me the question--aside from the police.

ME: I...

I didn't know what to say. I don't want to lie, but I can't tell the truth either.

ME: I can't say.

Ben stood up at his desk.

BEN: Well, until you can, you can't work for me. Sorry.

He gathered up his stuff and left.

I know the truth is going to come out eventually, but I'm not sure I have the bravery to be the one who announce it.

Market Value

Hi, my name is Joey.

PATRICK: Can I ask a question?

I shouldn't be here.

PATRICK: Why is every guy at OSC lame?
ME: Um, that's sort of hard to...What?

Patrick asked me to get lunch with him. Adam hates Patrick, so I probably should have said "No," but I'm not good at thinking on my feet.

Plus, Patrick doesn't seem to be interested in me, so I figured it would be okay to hang out with him for a little while.

But then I got to thinking--

PATRICK: Like, why do you all have boyfriends?

--Why isn't he into me?

ME: Well, because we met people that we liked and--
PATRICK: But you're in college.
ME: Um, yeah.
PATRICK: You can be in million-year-long relationships for the rest of your life. College is supposed to be about having fun.
ME: I am having fun.

Patrick shot me a look. He sees right through me.

I love being with Adam, but being off the market is definitely a new feeling to get used to.

I don't go out anymore. I don't do anything wild and spontaneous.

I can actually tell you what happened on NCIS last week.

PATRICK: Look, you're cute and all, but this whole serious relationship thing makes you look old and old is not cute, so you're sort of not cute.
ME: But what about the whole forbidden fruit thing?
PATRICK: Yeah, but you're not really forbidden.
ME: Yeah, I am. I'm taken. That makes me forbidden.
PATRICK: Look, I don't want to work at having an affair or anything when I'm with a guy. I just want to have fun. Fun is what gives you a high market value.

Wow, things have changed.

Back when Billy and I were the prime real estate in the theater department being innocent and soft-spoken was the way to go.

Now you have to be fun?

ME: I can be fun!

Patrick smiled, leaned over, and whispered in my ear.

PATRICK: Prove it.

Yeah, I definitely shouldn't be here.

He Could Work

Hi, my name is Jackson.

VOICE: Hey psycho!

That could be a number of people.

I was sitting in the Fish Bowl at OSC when I heard a voice and realized I was probably getting mistaken for my brother.

BILLY: Oh sorry, I thought you were Jeremy.
ME: That's been happening a lot. I miss the days when I was the one people wanted to kill.
BILLY: He gave Ritchie a black eye.
ME: I also miss the days when I was giving Ritchie black eyes.
BILLY: This isn't funny, Jackson. He's out of control.
ME: Did I ever give Ritchie a black eye? I feel like I should have. It's hard to remember who you've assaulted...and who you've slept with.
BILLY: Clearly I'm getting nowhere with you.

Just then, one of the freshman approached Billy.

FRESHMAN: Hey Billy, did you still want to get lunch?
ME: And who is this?
BILLY: Jackson, this is Simon. Simon, don't ever date Jackson.
ME: Nice to meet you!
SIMON: I guess I'll head to the dining hall. Nice meeting you too, Jackson.

He took off, and I couldn't help but feel a break within myself.

With Jeremy being the new wild child, I've been trying to turn over a new leaf and be more responsible and less dramatic. The old me wouldn't have looked twice at Billy's friend, but the new me...

ME: He seems nice.
BILLY: Don't even think about it.
ME: Billy, I'm not the same person I was nine months ago. Why won't you accept that people change? God knows Jeremy has.

For a second, I thought I saw a look of pain cross Billy's face, and then he took off.

Well, like it or not, I'm going to look into taking his little friend out on a date.

I may have changed for the better, but that stubborn streak hasn't gone anywhere.

Next Time Say "Yes"

Hi, my name is Ben.

ADAM: Thank God the plows showed up. I was afraid we were going to have to eat each other.
ME: Considering we were in a room full of gay men, the cumulative weight of the entire club was probably four and a half pounds.

It was about four thirty in the morning by the time we got out of the club. Jeremy spent most of the night avoiding Paige since he was now under the impression that she was the one who shot him.

I dragged him off to the side to see if I could talk some sense into him.

ME: Why would your sister want to shoot you?
JEREMY: I don't know! She's a member of my family. That means she's, at the very least, eighty-five percent crazy.
ME: She's adopted, remember?
JEREMY: THAT EXPLAINS IT! Serial killers are always adopted.
ME: How drunk are you right now?
JEREMY: Does being drunk make you paranoid?
VOICE: Hey!

We both turned around to see some kid walking towards us. I had seen him dancing in the club, and he looked my way a few times, but since he looked like he still had womb on him, I wasn't planning on talking to him.

(That's right. I'm actually not into younger guys. Remind me to see a therapist before I have full-blown Daddy issues.)

YOUNG GUY: Hey, what's up?

I could see Jeremy's jealousy streak jump out of his eyes like a mean little leprechaun...of envy...or something.

JEREMY: Hi, do we--
YOUNG GUY: Um, I was talking to your friend.

Now, if this was Old Jeremy this little guy just sassed, I wouldn't be too concerned. He was never the fighting kind.

New Jeremy on the other hand--

JEREMY: Beg your pardon?

The Youngin' held his hand out to me completely ignoring Jeremy.

Not a good idea.

YOUNG GUY: I'm Patrick. I go to OSC.
ME: Ohhh, Jeremy and I went there.
PATRICK: Yeah, that's--whatever. Do you want to hang out sometime?

That's where Jeremy's leprechaun began to do his little dance of death.

JEREMY: Excuse me, but how do you know my friend and I aren't boyfriends?
PATRICK: Boyfriends don't go to clubs together.
JEREMY: That's a sweeping generalization, wouldn't you say?
PATRICK: I don't know what that means.
JEREMY: So OSC was your first choice, and Harvard was the back-up?
PATRICK: Huh?

This was going to be a bloodbath.

JEREMY: This is my friend. He and I hang out a lot. That means if we were to hang out with you, I'd have to see you. And I don't want to see you--ever. So don't bother giving him your number, because as soon as you do, I'm going to personally delete it from his phone, go home, find you on Facebook, and report you as an escort peddling his services to whomever happens to have ten dollars and an open futon.

That was when Patrick decided to slowly inch away--good move on his part.

ME: Are you out of your mind?

Adam, Paige, and Hank walked up to us.

PAIGE: You met Patrick?
ADAM: I hate him. He's a freshman and he's already favored to get the lead in Kiss Me, Kate.
HANK: Nice hair. When's he getting the rest of the operation done?

I wasn't interested in getting catty.

ME: That was out of line.
JEREMY: You liked him?
ME: No, but you have no right to get territorial like that!
JEREMY: I wasn't getting territorial!
HANK: He was probably just being jealous.

Jeremy shot Hank a look, but that just meant it was true.

ME: If you want to act like my boyfriend, you should have actually, you know, become my boyfriend when I asked.
PAIGE: You asked?
ME: I did more than ask; I proposed.
PAIGE, ADAM, and HANK: WHAT?!?!?

Oh right, that's a secret. Oops.

Paige hit Jeremy.

PAIGE: Ben proposed to you and you said 'No?'
ADAM: Wow, you're still hurting over Billy, huh?
JEREMY: No! I'm not hurting over anybody! I'm hurting because I almost died and when I did, I wasn't even a person! I had no personality. I had no identity. I'd never even gotten drunk before!
HANK: You're certainly making up for that now.

So that's where all this crazy behavior was coming from.

ME: When you woke up in the hospital, and I proposed, you said 'No' because you didn't love me.
JEREMY: And that was true!
ME: What's true is that you love punishing people. Anybody who doesn't fit on the pedestal you make for them never gets a second chance when they fall off. That's fine, but don't think you can string me along and chase off other guys who want me. The only reason you're mad Billy is with Ritchie now is because that would be one more person vying for your attention. I may not like Billy but he wanted to stay here and make sure you were okay and after he left Kurt for you you still told him to take off. Now, he's gone, I'm done, and the only person left to punish is yourself. Screw this.

I started walking to my car, and guess who I ran into along the way.

PATRICK: Hey, where's your friend?

I kissed him right on the mouth.

ME: What friend?

From now on, I'm on my own.