The End of a Fake Marriage

Hi, my name is Davis.

MR. LAWYER: So you two want a divorce?

It's the end of an era.

ME: As soon as possible.

And a new joyful era now begins.

I managed to land a job doing pr consulting for a firm in Providence. That means full healthcare, and no more fake matrimony.

Luckily, Hank feels our union has run its course as well.

MR. LAWYER: So why do you two want to get divorced?
ME: He was taking all my medication and I nearly died.
HANK: Then he locked me in the bathroom forcing me to go through withdrawal with nothing but a tube of toothpaste and a luffa.
MR. LAWYER: I'll get working on this right away.

As we were leaving the office, I felt like a new man.

And then my phone rang.

HANK: Not even divorced yet and already you're taking booty calls?
ME: Please Hank, it's four pm. They're not booty calls at 4pm. They're 'lunch dates.'

But that wasn't what it was.

VOICE: Hello John.

It was much worse.

ME: Hello Grandmother.
GRANDMOTHER: How are you feeling?
ME: Actually, I feel great.
GRANDMOTHER: Excellent. I'm glad you're in good health.
ME: Well, I'm still doing the treatment but--
GRANDMOTHER: I understand you've gotten married?

This is what I get for accepting her friend request.

ME: Yes, Grandmother, but it's not really an issue now because--
GRANDMOTHER: I suppose you know what that means?
ME: I'm no longer invited to your Christian brunches?
GRANDMOTHER: Don't be ridiculous. I stopped inviting you to those years ago.
ME: Then what are you--
GRANDMOTHER: You have figured out a way to beat your Grandfather's will after all. I never thought you'd do it, but thanks to the liberals' destruction of this country's moral code, you have gotten yourself married, and that means--
ME: I'm entitled to my inheritance.
GRANDMOTHER: Exactly.

My Grandfather put it in his will that if I ever got married, I'd stand to inherit a huge portion of his estate, but when I realized I was gay, I thought it was a moot point. And now--

ME: Grandmother, how much is that inheritance now?
GRANDMOTHER: More money than a child like you can know what to do with. Why don't you let me handle things until--
ME: How much, old woman?
GRANDMOTHER: Two point six.
ME: Two point six--?
GRANDMOTHER: Million.

I dropped the phone, and turned around.

Hank was gone.

I had to find him.

He was my going to be my ticket to the permanent good life.

I just had to remember to make him sign a prenup.