The Same Mistake Twice

Hi, my name is Hank.

DAVIS: I need you to remarry me.

Well, considering how complicated the marriage was, I'm not sure why I thought the divorce wouldn't be.

I was just cleaning the last of my boxes of out Davis' place when he showed up looking frantic.

ME: Davis, you don't need my Health insurance anymore. So why would you want to get married?
DAVIS: Well, the truth is...I miss you.
ME: Your grandmother already called me.
DAVIS: Damn that old bag!
ME: She wanted to welcome me to the family.
DAVIS: Did she--
ME: Two point six million.
DAVIS: Some of that was in stocks, so there's really no way to tell--
ME: Save it, Davis. You want that money. I want a cut.
DAVIS: How much?

I picked up one of my frying pans out of the box I was packing. The need for protection was imminent.

ME: Half.
DAVIS: HALF?!?!?!
ME: I'm your spouse, aren't I?
DAVIS: Your my spouse--not a Trump spouse.
ME: You can have one point three million, or you can have nothing.
DAVIS: Or I could find someone else to marry me.
ME: You mean before you turn thirty?

Down comes the ace from the sleeve.

DAVIS: What are you talking about?
ME: Oh, your grandmother didn't tell you? You have to be in a marriage, for a year, by the time you're thirty, or all the money goes to charity.
DAVIS: What?

Davis sank down to the floor like the air had been let out of him.

ME: I guess your grandfather wanted to give you time to produce an heir. He must have had a lot of faith in science.
DAVIS: But there isn't even a year between now and my thirtieth birthday!
ME: Luckily, we've already been married for almost two months--unless that divorce goes through. Then even remarrying me won't help.
DAVIS: Fine! We'll stay married. Then, in a year, we're getting divorced.
ME: And I get half?
DAVIS: Three hundred thousand.
ME: I'm not negotiating, Davis.
DAVIS: It's three hundred more than you'll have if I decide to stay poor on principle.
ME: I don't think you'd do that.
DAVIS: How do you know?

I smiled.

ME: It's a spouse's job to know his husband, isn't it?

The look on his face told me that it was time to start unpacking my frying pans.