A Trip to the Mall

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

GUNMAN: Keep walking.
JACKSON: We're walking. We're walking.

My siblings and I are currently being held hostage in the middle of Providence.

PAIGE: How is it that we haven't walked by anybody?
JACKSON: Because he set off a bomb a block from Prisms that knocked out power all over the city. I don't think anybody's paying attention to us.
ME: Where are we going?
GUNMAN: I thought we'd do some shopping.
PAIGE: Really?
JACKSON: Something tells me he's kidding, Paige.

Nevertheless, we were walking towards the mall.

Once we were inside, I looked for a security guard who might be able to help us, but he took us through the parking garage entrance, and his gun was concealed so we might have just looked like a group of kids going to catch a late-night movie.

Once we reached the top floor of the garage, the gunman seemed to be looking around for something.

JACKSON: What now? Are you going to make us jump?
ME: Don't give him any ideas.

The gunman just laughed.

GUNMAN: I thought you might want to know who you've been spending all this time with first.

And that's when he removed the mask.

PAIGE: What the--?

And suddenly everything started making sense.

Meanwhile in the Closet...

Hi, my name is Jackson.

PAIGE: You're supposed to keep your arms stiff when somebody's tying you up. That way you can loosen the rope once they're gone.
ME: Then why didn't you keep your arms stiff?
PAIGE: I tried, but I got tired.

My non-biological sister and I are trapped in the supply closet in the basement of Prisms.

The crazed gunman had tied us to a chair.

PAIGE: We should keep screaming for help.
ME: No way. I'll damage my vocal cords. Karaoke night is in two days and the theme is Backstreet Boys. I'm not taking any chances.
PAIGE: So what do we do?
ME: See if there's anything sharp we can--

But then, the door opened--

PAIGE: Jeremy?

--And it was still like looking right into a mirror.

JEREMY: Jesus, what did you do to your hair?
ME: That's the first thing you say to me after five years?
JEREMY: Miss me?
ME: I'd slap you if my hands weren't tied.
PAIGE: Yay! We're a family again!

Paige always has to look on the bright side.

My long-gone brother untied us but there were all sorts of noises coming from upstairs.

JEREMY: We have to make sure everybody got out.
ME: No chance. If they don't run from an explosion and a guy with a gun, then whatever happens next is simple evolution.

We managed to make it out the basement door just as the entire structure collapsed behind us.

PAIGE: That was close.

Then I heard the click.

We turned around to see the gunman, still masked, pointing his weapon right at us.

GUNMAN: You're right--pretty close.

And the adventure continues.

Rubble

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: The floor's caving in!

Prisms is about to become a pile of rubble.

I ran over to Jeremy and grabbed him.

ME: We have to get out of here.
JEREMY: Where's Ritchie and Joey?
ADAM: They went after the gunman.
JEREMY: I still don't know where Jackson is!
ME: Jeremy, there's no time. It sounds like a bomb went off downstairs!

I started feeling shaking underneath my feet.

I'd had enough negotiating for the night.

ME: Adam, we're going. Come on.
JEREMY: Not without Paige and Jackson!

He tore away from me and ran towards the door.

I didn't want to see Jeremy die, but I sure as hell wasn't going to get killed trying to save him.

ME: Come on, Adam!

We ran to the fire door, and down the fire escape.

Outside, there was nothing but insanity.

The lights were out, it looked like there was smoke in the distance, and the second floor of Prisms was completely blown out.

ME: This is nuts.

I felt someone grab me by the shoulder.

BEN: Where's Jeremy?
ME: He's still in the--

But before I could finish, another bomb went off, and the rest of the building collapsed.

And then everyone started running.

Our Guy in the Field

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

JOEY: Ritchie, is that you?

I wanted to do this alone, but I needed a cameraman.

ME: Joey, you're coming with me.
JOEY: I can't see anything.
ME: It sounds like there was an explosion outside. That must have knocked out the power.
JOEY: So we're not dead?
ME: Not yet.
JOEY: Oh--wait, what?

I saw the gunman take off down the stairs leading to the second floor of the club. I grabbed Joey by the arm, and pulled him downstairs.

JOEY: What are we doing?
ME: We have to find the gunman.
JOEY: Why?
ME: So we can find out who he is. I have to get him to take off the mask.
JOEY: Like in Phantom of the Opera?
ME: Sure. Let's go with that.

We made it to the second floor in time to see the gunman heading out the back stairway.

ME: Hey!

He turned around to look at me.

ME: Who's under the mask, huh?

At first I thought he was giving me the thumbs up, then I saw him hit the button again.

That's when the second bomb went off, and the second floor went crashing to the first.

My Hero

Hi, my name is Billy.

Boom!

The lights just went out.

The last thing I saw was Nathan pointing his gun at the guy holding us all hostage, who then pushed a button that would have seemingly detonated the bomb strapped to his chest, but instead, we heard an explosion outside somewhere, and all the lights went off in the building.

People started yelling.

I couldn't really focus. My arm was throbbing from where the gunman had shot me.

Then I felt someone's hand on my shoulder.

VOICE: We have to get you out of here.

I felt somebody pick me up, and carry me down the stairs and out of the building.

There were people running around everywhere, but the street lights were out. The gunman must have done something to the power throughout the city.

Some EMT's grabbed me, but I wanted to see who had gotten me out of the building safely.

Unfortunately, I was in and out of consciousness, and before I knew it. I'd passed out completely.

I could still feel the warmth in that person's arms though.

They felt so safe.

And it might ridiculous to say this, but...

It was the safest I'd felt in a long time.

Now We Have a Situation

Hi, my name is Nathan.

LIAM: Nooo!!!

I just shot the Mayor.

BEN: Nathan, where the hell did you get a gun from?
NATHAN: I--

No. I have to focus.

The gunman looked shocked that I just shot someone and it wasn't him. Hank and Ken ran over and tackled him, knocking his own gun out of his hand and sending it flying across the floor. Joey and Jeremy ran over to Davis, who was already shaking.

A puddle of blood was forming around him.

JEREMY: We need to get him to a hospital.
RITCHIE: Ladies and gentlemen, we are live from Prisms where--
JEREMY: Not the time, Ritchie!
GUNMAN: Everybody freeze!

The gunman had his hand on a switch.

ADAM: Oh right, the bomb.

Hank got up and backed away from the gunman.

GUNMAN: I didn't realize things were going to get so violent.
ME: Go ahead. Flip the switch.
ALL: No!
ME: He's bluffing. Otherwise, he would have blown us sky-high when the gun went off.
GUNMAN: I'm not as jumpy as you are, Nathan.
ME: Then go ahead, do it.
BEN: Nathan--

I had to take this guy out one way or another. He knows everything about my business. No way was he walking out of here alive.

ME: You heard me. Do it.

And he did.

And everybody screamed.

And then we heard the explosion.

Marital Interference

Hi, my name is Joey.

ME: Don't panic, Liam
LIAM: I have a gun pointed at my head, Joey.
ME: Yeah, maybe you should panic.

We were all waiting for Davis to walk into the club so that the gunman wouldn't shoot Liam, but Liam was only making things difficult.

LIAM: DAVIS, IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, DON'T COME IN!
ME: He's outside. He can't hear you.
LIAM: Ugh!
ADAM: Why don't you want him to come in here? Are you crazy?
LIAM: Davis is the mayor. He can't walk into a gunfight.
GUNMAN: Trust me, it won't be much of a fight.
BEN: I say 'Get him in here.' We're all here. Why shouldn't he be?
NATHAN: I agree.
HANK: Me too.
LIAM: I'M THE ONE WITH THE GUN POINTED AT MY HEAD!
RITCHIE: Guys, I think Billy's about to pass out.

That's what happens when you get shot in the arm.

NATHAN: Hey Gunman, why don't you at least let Billy go so he doesn't bleed out in here?
GUNMAN: He's fine. It's just a flesh wound.
ME: Yeah, it looks--
NATHAN: Shut up, Joey!

That was when I saw the gun tucked behind his back.

Maybe we were going to have a gunfight after all.

NATHAN: At least look at the wound. You can see from here it's bad.

The Gunman leaned over to look at Billy's arm, and that's when Nathan pulled out his gun.

JEREMY: Nathan, no!
ADAM: The bomb!

But then the door on the other side of the club opened, and Davis walked in.

And Nathan missed the gunman.

And shot Davis.

LIAM: NO!

And Davis hit the floor.

Q&A

Hi, my name is Adam.

BEN: I married Nathan, because I love him! Why else would you marry someone?

With this group, 'love' isn't always the obvious answer.

Most of us were still per-occupied with Billy, who'd just been shot in the arm.

Still, we had to stay focused or we'd be next in line for a bullet.

GUNMAN: So you stopped loving Jeremy?
BEN: You can't go by that book. Jeremy...exaggerated things.
JEREMY: Excuse me?
ME: Well, you did say I was five seven when I'm five eight. Everything else was pretty much true.
JEREMY: Ben, are you trying to say you had no--
NATHAN: Jeremy, relax. The lunatic is trying to bait us.
GUNMAN: I'm just trying to get the facts.
HANK: Who are you? Diane Sawyer?

The gunman fired a shot near Hank's foot.

HANK: HEY! I'M JUST SAYING!
RITCHIE: Why don't you let me ask some questions? I'm a professional. We can start with whether or not anybody here was touched inappropriately as a child.
KEN: Like before or after the age of nineteen?
GUNMAN: Don't worry, Ritchie. I'm in total control.
ME: So to speak.

He swung his gun around towards me.

I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

GUNMAN: You know, it's really hard to conduct this interview without Davis. I mean, he is pretty crucial to this group.
JOEY: He said he can't come in because he's the mayor.
GUNMAN: And this--

He pointed the gun at Liam.

GUNMAN: --is his campaign manager, isn't it?
ME: And his wife.
LIAM: Shut up, Adam!

The gunman laughed, then he looked into the camera.

GUNMAN: I'm giving Mayor Davis five minutes to get in here and join the party or he's going to need to find himself a new campaign manager.
ME: And a wife.
LIAM: SHUT UP!
GUNMAN: Five minutes.

I could almost hear the clock ticking in my head.

Let's Talk About the Past

Hi, my name is Ben.

GUNMAN: And we're live!

The past is my least favorite thing.

GUNMAN: Ladies and gentleman, you are watching the first CBQ Reunion in five years!

And now I was being forced to rehash it.

GUNMAN: So, let's get started.

At gun point, no less.

The crazy gunman had turned the third floor of Prisms into a talk show set using the camera Ritchie smuggled in, a few others he must have brought in himself.

We were all sitting in chairs waiting to see what his next surprise was going to be.

Jackson and Paige were still nowhere to be found.

JEREMY: I thought I was going to see my brother?
GUNMAN: As long as we put on a good show, you will.
ME: This is sick.
GUNMAN: Ben, I'm so glad you spoke up. My first question is for you. Why did you marry Nathan?

Oh damn.

NATHAN: We're not doing this.
GUNMAN: Oh, but we are.
NATHAN: No, we're not. We're not letting some masked maniac drag up the past just because you're a fan of that awful tv show based on the book Jeremy wrote.
JOEY: It actually wasn't that bad--
ALL: Shut up, Joey!
ADAM: Ask me a question. I have nothing to hide.
GUNMAN: That's exactly why I'm not asking you any questions.
BILLY: Ben, just tell him why you married Nathan so we can move on.
ME: I--

There's no way. Maybe if we weren't on television, but I couldn't--

That's when the gunman shot Billy in the arm.

A few of the guys went running towards the gunman, but that's when he opened his shirt.

HANK: Oh boy.

And there was the bomb.

GUNMAN: Now, let's try that again. Ben, why did you marry Nathan?

That's when I knew it was going to be a long night.

Everything's Negotiable

Hi, my name is Davis.

ME: What the hell is taking so long?
KATE: I know! We should have been live ten minutes ago! The camera I sent Ritchie in with isn't giving us any feed.
ME: I'm not talking about your show. We need to get them out of there or that guy is going to start shooting.
KATE: Is the hostage negotiator here yet? I hear the police were sending in the best guy they have.
ME: I don't need a hostage negotiator. I'm great at diffusing awful situations. That's how I became mayor.
VOICE: Well, I guess I can just go home then.

When I turned around, I almost dropped my bullhorn.

PAUL: Long time, no see.
KATE: You two know each other?
PAUL: We sure do. Some parts better than others.

Leave it to me to hook up with the hostage negotiator.

ME: I, uh--
PAUL: Do you want my help?
ME: Yes, that would be, uh--
KATE: He's just a little rattled because his husband is in there.

Oh great...

PAUL: Husband, huh?
KATE: And campaign manager.
PAUL: Sounds like a busy guy. How does he manage to keep tabs on you?
KATE: Please! On this tramp? He sleeps with every guy in town. We've done at least nine shows on it. "America's Sluttiest Gay Mayor." They're great for sweeps week. Anyway, I have to go talk to my sound guy. Let me know if there are any developments.

She left me alone with Paul.

PAUL: This is what I get for not watching tv.
ME: I was also on the cover of The Advocate.
PAUL: What was the headline? Mayor Gives Syphilis to Half the City?
ME: Look, I hope this doesn't affect us working together here.
PAUL: We're not working together. I have a job to do. You stay out of my way, and I'll get your hostages and your husband out of there. Deal?
ME: Deal.

I didn't think it would sound appropriate to ask if he could leave Liam in there and let God do the rest.

Things are always a little more complicated than they seem.

Someone Call Bravo

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

GUNMAN: EVERYBODY OUT!

Ten hours ago, I was making quiche for a dinner party.

JOEY: Jeremy, can you hold my hand.
ME: Sure, Joey.
HANK: Can you stand in front of me?
ME: Not funny.
HANK: Not kidding.

As the hostages ran out the open doors, the CBQ's got hustled into a corner by the gun-wielding maniac. He even made Ritchie surrender his camera.

GUNMAN: You won't be needing that. We're all set here.
RITCHIE: Set like you're going to kill us?
GUNMAN: Hahaha, oh Ritchie.
RITCHIE: Is that a yes?
GUNMAN: By the way--

He pointed to Tony.

GUNMAN: Who's that guy?
TONY: I'm Eli.
GUNMAN: No, you're not.
ADAM: So much for that plan.
GUNMAN: I'll be right back.

He went back to the doors to lock us in again.

LIAM: I shouldn't even be here. I never even got to narrate an episode on that stupid tv show.
NATHAN: Everybody just stay calm. I have a plan.
BEN: Really? YOU have a plan?
NATHAN: Don't sound so shocked.
BILLY: Nathan, don't do anything stupid.
ADAM: In which case, just don't do anything.
JOEY: I don't see Jackson or Paige.
VOICE: That's because--

The gunman had cleared out the room. Now his full attention was on us.

GUNMAN: They're upstairs prepping for the show.
JEREMY: What show?
GUNMAN: Haven't you guessed?

That's when it hit me.

GUNMAN: The live reunion show!

We were going on air.

We're All Going In

Hi, my name is Adam.

ME: What do you mean you're not going in?

Davis had just informed us that after spending all night reuniting the CBQ's, he was going to sit back and let us all risk our lives while he stayed outside.

DAVIS: I'm the Mayor. I can't walk into a hostage situation.
RITCHIE: I'm doing it, and I'm a celebrity.
DAVIS: You're a talk show host.
RITCHIE: I'm syndicated.

Jeremy grabbed Davis by the shoulders.

JEREMY: Davis, my brother is in there.
DAVIS: Jeremy, I understand that but--
JEREMY: Since when do you back away from a challenge?
VOICE: Since the entire city started relying on him.

We all turned around to see another blast from the past.

ME: Liam?
LIAM: You can call me, Mr. Davis.
JEREMY: But Davis is Davis.
LIAM: And I'm his husband.
ME: WHAT?
LIAM: And his campaign manager.
JEREMY: Is this a joke?
DAVIS: I'm...yeah, no.

Man, this town went to hell fast.

ME: Look Liam, we know that if the Mayor of Providence got killed, awful things would happen. All eight stores downtown would have to close for the day.
HANK: It would take them three hours to elect someone new.
BEN: Four hours to corrupt that guy--
DAVIS: Hey!
NATHAN: We didn't go through all this so Davis could back out.
DAVIS: Look, we'll send in another decoy. It'll be fine.
TONY: Then I'd have a friend!
KEN: I'll do it!
ALL: No!

This was spiraling out of control.

JOEY: Guys, he's not going to keep them in there forever.
BILLY: You're right. Eventually he's just going to start shooting.
JOEY: I meant, maybe one day he'll just let them go.
ME: I can't believe we dated.
JEREMY: Davis--
LIAM: The answer's no, Jeremy.
JEREMY: Fine.

He grabbed Liam's arm.

JEREMY: Then I guess we'll have to take somebody else from the good old days.
LIAM: What?
JEREMY: Maybe he'll like you better than Davis, Liam. You always managed to cause more trouble than him, and that's a real accomplishment.
LIAM: I'm too--I can't--Davis!
DAVIS: Well, it does seem like a nice alternative plan.
LIAM: I'll kill you for this.
ME: That'd be easier than a divorce.
JEREMY: Give me a bullhorn.

Someone handed it to him. Liam looked like he was going to vomit all over his cheap suit.

JEREMY: WE'RE COMING IN!

And as we walked through the doors of Prisms, the crowd that had gathered let out a roar.

And I wondered if it would be the last thing I'd ever hear.

Educating Eli

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: You have to say 'Love' a lot.
TONY: Love?
ME: No, like with an exclamation point.
TONY: Love!
ME: Now eh.
TONY: Love eh?
ME: Exclamation point.
TONY: Love eh!
ME: Sadly, that's kind of perfect.

We were all taking turns trying to turn Adam's boyfriend Tony into a passable Eli.

With the gunman's patience running out, we had to get every CBQ into Prisms before he started shooting.

Unfortunately, Eli moved to London a few years ago and nobody's heard from him since.

That meant Plan B.

BEN: Tony looks nothing like Eli.
ADAM: How's the shooter going to know that? Jeremy's book didn't have pictures.
JOEY: What if saw old photos from the Wilde Blog?
NATHAN: We don't have a choice. This is the best we can do.
DAVIS: Is that what you're going to say the crazy person? Sorry, this was the best we could do?
TONY: What if he shoots me?
JEREMY: He's not going to shoot you.
BILLY: He might shoot all of us.
JEREMY: Nobody's getting shot.

We're all going to die.

ADAM: Look, it's this or nothing. It's not like we can beam Eli here from London.
TONY: I don't know about--
ADAM: Shut up, Tony!
TONY: Okay.

Must be nice having an assistant.

NATHAN: There are ten of us. I doubt he's going to do one-on-one interviews.
BEN: What DOES he want?
JEREMY: Only one way to find out. Time to go in.
DAVIS: Wait.

Everybody turned and looked at Davis.

DAVIS: You might need another actor.
JEREMY: Why?
DAVIS: Because I'm not going in either.

Wow.

Now there might be a shooting outside the club.

It Wouldn't Be the Same Without...

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

KATE: This is going to be ratings gold.

It never occurred to me that one day I'd be the biggest story on my own show.

KATE: The camera's hooked up right underneath--
DAVIS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not going into Prisms with a camera.
ME: Of course I am. I'm a journalist.
HANK: Please, you're morning fluff. You're what people watch when Kelly Ripa takes a sick day.
ME: I hope you get shot first.
DAVIS: Nobody is getting shot, because none of us are going in there. This is insane. We don't negotiate with terrorists.
VOICE: You got a better idea?

We turned around to see Jeremy approaching with Adam and--

ME: Billy?
BILLY: We have to do whatever we can. If the crazy person wants to reunite the CBQ's then that's what he's going to get.

Ben and Joey pulled up a few minutes later with a guy named Ken who Joey said was his second husband--whatever that means.

HANK: Okay, so the gang's all here.
JEREMY: Once Nathan comes back, we'll use one of the bullhorns and tell the gunman that we're coming inside.
ADAM: What does he want to have us do? Act out scenes from that stupid book of yours?
JEREMY: Hey!
BEN: You know, Jeremy, if you'd just--
JEREMY: I don't want to hear it! It was my right to write a book. Just like it was my right to leave here and never come back. I wasn't aware I was going to get dragged back here by more Rhode Island theatrics?
ME: Rhode Island theatrics? Wow, where did you move to? Douchebag Junction?
JEREMY: Ritchie--
ME: Don't flatter yourself by thinking that any of us missed you. And don't talk about getting dragged back here either. You're the one who wants to save your brother. He's an even bigger asshole than you are, if that's possible. While you were gone--
BEN: Let's not get into it.
JEREMY: No, please. Get into it! I'm sure Jackson's done a lot of bad while I've been gone, but I doubt you all have been saints either. Aside from Billy, of course, who's turned into celibate heterosexual.
HANK: What?
BILLY: I knew I shouldn't have come.
ME: NOBODY IS GOING ANYWHERE!

I grabbed the camera from my cameraman, and turned it off.

ME: I'm about to say something I never say--This conversation is off the record. Now look, I don't give a damn about Jackson or any of you, but I want this story. So we're going to go in there, we're going to give this lunatic whatever he wants, we're going to save the day, and then you're all going to do a riveting interview with me, because we're the CBQ's, and as much as we all might hate each other, we are--like it or not--connected. We have always been connected, and we always will be, and it sucks that it took somebody pointing a gun at one of us for everybody to realize that. Now, give me a damn bullhorn so I can let the crazed psychopath know his wish is about to come true.

VOICE: Not so fast.

Nathan.

Great, I thought, the reunion is complete.

NATHAN: We're missing somebody.
JOEY: What?
DAVIS: No, we're not. There's ten of us. There's always ten.
NATHAN: Remember all the names he listed?
JEREMY: The fake names from my book. There were--
NATHAN: Eleven. He listed eleven names.
BEN: But who--
HANK: Oh no.
BILLY: You mean--

F#$k.

RITCHIE: Eli.

We forgot about Eli.

A Mission from God

Hi, my name is Billy.

EMMA: So you all went to church together?
JEREMY: All the time.
ADAM: We were regular church freaks.

I had to get these two out of my apartment.

Emma sent her brother, Tom, to pick up my future mother-in-law from the airport. So far, she was buying the "religious friends from childhood just happened to pop by" act, but I knew that wouldn't last long. Emma's pretty sharp.

EMMA: So, are you two also former homosexuals?

And pretty blunt.

JEREMY: Uh.
ADAM: Yes, we're recovering. Three years for me. Two weeks for Jeremy here.

Jeremy elbowed him in the side.

JEREMY: He's kidding. Haha that kidder.
EMMA: Well, let me just get everybody something to drink.
ADAM: I could use some vodka.
EMMA: Oh, we don't keep liquor.
ADAM: Do you give it away?
JEREMY: Haha again, kidder. This kidder. Kid, kid, kidder.

Emma smiled and went off to get the drinks, but before she went into the kitchen, she gave me the "my mother is coming soon so get rid of these weirdoes" look.

As soon as she was out of earshot, I leaned forward and whispered.

ME: What are you guys doing here?
JEREMY: I tried texting you--about the shooting.
ME: That's terrible, but what am I supposed to do about it?
JEREMY: You have to come with us to Prisms.
ME: Are you insane?
ADAM: We're insane? You're getting married to a woman!
ME: I've changed!
ADAM: Into what? You're talking about sexuality like it's a cardigan!
JEREMY: Hey! I don't want to argue about this--
ME: Yes, we need to keep our voices down.
JEREMY: Billy, my brother and sister are in that club. This person--this admittedly crazy person--wants us to go there. All of us. I don't know why, but I know if we don't go, he'll kill them and whoever else is in there. Now, please, can you please come with us?
ADAM: It's what Jesus would do, Billy.

He had to throw that last comment in there.

ADAM: By the way, your future brother-in-law is kind of hot. Although I'm sure you already noticed that.

Actually, all I'd been noticing for the past ten minutes was Jeremy.

I tried to ignore it, but...

It was really good to see him.

Leave the Maid a Good Tip

Hi, my name is Nathan.

ME: This better be good.
RICHARD: 'Good' isn't the word I'd use.

Once we got back downtown, I managed to sneak away from Ben and the CBQ's using the excuse that I needed to go by a drink to steady my nerves.

In reality, I needed to check up on business.

Richard is my partner, and as far as Ben knows, he and I run an event consulting firm.

Nobody has any idea what an event consultant would do, including me, so it works out perfectly.

My real job isn't something Ben would be thrilled with, so I keep it under wraps.

I met Richard at the Westin, and we went up to our usual room.

RICHARD: He must have come back and broken in after our latest conversation.
ME: I told you never to meet with anyone in the room.
RICHARD: It seemed harmless.
ME: Or maybe you wanted to test out his skills.
RICHARD: Don't insult me, Nathan.
ME: All I know is that some crazy person somehow managed to get hired by my company, and now he's holding every gay person in Providence hostage. If somebody starts connecting the dots, we're both screwed.
RICHARD: Well then we need to make sure nobody does.

The room was a disaster. The bed was flipped over, drawers were ransacked, and there was blood in more than a few places.

ME: I wonder if the blood was his.
RICHARD: We can only hope.
ME: What's missing?
RICHARD: Some cash, some liquor from the mini-bar--

That's when it hit me.

ME: Not the--
RICHARD: --and the book.

The Book.

ME: He has it?
RICHARD: He must. It's gone.
ME: We have to get it back.
RICHARD: Then I guess it's a good thing he's requesting your presence.

Richard handed me his gun.

RICHARD: I doubt anybody would blame you if our delinquent employee wound up with a bullet in his head, wouldn't you say? You'd probably even look like a hero.

That may be true.

But the bigger question is--

Would he be the only one I'd have to shoot?

But Most of Us Are Baritones

Hi, my name is Joey.

ME: Morgan, when you wake up, I just want you to know that I'm sorry Ben punched you, and I love you, and I'll see you when I'm done with the hostage situation. K, bye.

He was going to be angry.

NATHAN: Did we have to bring Sister Wife #2?
KEN: My name is Ken.
NATHAN: Stop! I don't want to hear names. I don't want to know anything about this perverse arrangement you have going on.

I forgot how high and mighty Nathan could be.

ME: Like you guys never had threeways.
NATHAN: Threeways, yes. A threeway marriage? No.
BEN: Look, we just need to get downtown so we can get this all straightened out.
NATHAN: You make it sound like we're just unclogging a pipe. We could all be killed.
ME: I don't have to do anything dangerous, right?
NATHAN: No, Joey. The shooter just wants to braid your hair.
ME: BUT I JUST GOT IT CUT!

Oh wait, he was teasing me.

I haven't been teased in awhile.

KEN: My phone is totes blowing up.
ME: Is it Morgan?
KEN: No, it's all my friends talking about how you guys are getting back together.
NATHAN: We're not the League of Justice.
KEN: You're, like, way better. Everybody knows Jeremy's book. Plus, there's the tv series.
NATHAN: We should have sued him.
BEN: He didn't use our real names.
NATHAN: You're right, Ren. Nobody would know it's us.

The guy who plays me on the tv show is kinda hot, but I feel weird thinking about myself that way.

NATHAN: We wouldn't even be in this mess if Jeremy hadn't written that stupid book. Now some crazed fan wants to get us all together and shoot us.
KEN: Hey, are you guys going to do a musical number?

Ben and Nathan let out a frustrated sigh.

I didn't say anything, but to be honest--

A musical number sounded kind of fun.

The Hippo Speaks

Hi, my name is Adam.

ME: Why couldn't we have gone and gotten Joey?
JEREMY: Because if Joey opened the door and saw you after all this time, he might drop dead, and we need him alive.
ME: I didn't hear the gunman stipulate that.

Ben and Nathan went to get Joey, while Jeremy and I were put in charge of getting Billy.

ME: You just wanted to get Billy so you could see if he really turned straight.
JEREMY: That's not true.
ME: Okay, but what if he is straight? What'll you do?
JEREMY: That's like asking me what I'd do if a hippopotamus told me it was a giraffe.
ME: I think the hippo talking would be the bigger issue.

The door opened to reveal a boy in a pink tank top.

JEREMY: Oh thank goodness.
FLAMBO: Hi there!
JEREMY: You must be Billy's boyfriend.
FLAMBO: Billy's boyfriend? Hahaha that's a good one.
JEREMY: Why is that a good one?
FLAMBO: Because he's dating my sister.
JEREMY: Ohhh boy.

Just then, Billy appeared in the doorway.

BILLY: Who is--whoa.
ME: And the hippo speaks.
JEREMY: Hi Billy.
FLAMBO: You know these guys?
VOICE: Billy, we're going to be late picking Mom up at the airport!
JEREMY: We're, uh, old friends from--
ME: Jesus Camp.

Everybody looked at me.

ME: Shalom.

That's right, right?

Which One Is Your Husband?

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: Remind me how we got stuck with this job.
ME: We're running out of time. The shooter wants all of us there by midnight.
NATHAN: If you think I'm walking into that club so some nutjob can take me hostage.
ME: Don't say anything to Joey about--

That was when the door opened.

ME: Hi Morgan.
MORGAN: Hello boys. Can I help you?
ME: We need to see Joey.
MORGAN: We're a little busy.
NATHAN: Trying to figure out who gets to be the cream in the Oreo tonight?
ME: Nathan--
MORGAN: Oh Nathan, so judgmental.
NATHAN: Please, Solomon wouldn't touch this situation with a ten-foot pole. JOEY!
MORGAN: Joey and Ken are sharing some one-on-one time. Then I'll be joining them for--
NATHAN: You can stop there. The vomit's already creeping up my esophagus. JOEY!

Joey appeared in the doorway wearing a red robe with what looked like leather underwear underneath it.

NATHAN: Oh God, it's worse than I thought.
JOEY: Is this about the shooting?
ME: We need you to come to Prisms with us. We can explain on the way there.
MORGAN: Absolutely not.
NATHAN: Stay out of this, Heller.
MORGAN: We'd have to talk about this as a family.
ME: Joey, please, it's for Jackson.
JOEY: Uh--
ME: And Paige! Paige is there too.
NATHAN: Plus, every other gay in the tri-state area. Even Jeremy showed up.
JOEY: Jeremy's here?
NATHAN: Yeah, apparently we're getting the band back together.
MORGAN: Joey, I forbid this.

Remember that he said that, because it meant he wasn't leaving me much of a choice.

ME: Fine.

I punched Morgan. He went down--hard.

ME: Joey, put some pants on.
JOEY: Yes, sir.

He disappeared.

NATHAN: Let's hope you don't have to punch the other one.
ME: He's probably tied to a maypole right now.
NATHAN: Knock on wood.

Part of me wondered if Joey was really happy in this situation.

I mean, it's not like I am in mine.

Who knows? Maybe this whole three-way spouse thing is the way to go.

That was when Ken showed up in the doorway dressed like Raggedy Andy.

KEN: Morgan!

Never mind.

Sound Familiar?

Hi, my name is Davis.

JEREMY: You're the Mayor?

I'm the Mayor.

HANK: I see someone doesn't keep up on local politics.
ADAM: We live in New York now. Why would we care what happens here?
BEN: You and Jeremy live together?
JEREMY: No, Adam lives in the city. I live upstate.
ADAM: In a duplex.
ALL: Ew!

So that's where my former best friend has been hiding all these years.

JEREMY: Davis--
ME: Mayor--
JEREMY: Oh please! I don't care if you're the Emperor. What are you doing about the hostage situation?
NATHAN: What can he do? The guy hasn't even issued demands. I say we just bomb the place.
BEN: Nathan, Jackson's in there.
ADAM: Plus Paige.
HANK: Plus most of the gay community in the state.

This had the potential to be a political nightmare. It didn't help that the scum-sucking media was here.

RITCHIE: I'm reporting live from Prisms downtown.

It's even worse when you've slept with the scum-sucking media.

RITCHIE: Mr. Mayor, what's your response to the gunman's demands?
ME: He made demands?
RITCHIE: They're on his website.
ME: What are they?

Who needs police when you have an iPad?

RITCHIE: He says he'll trade everybody in the club for the following people. Joe Spencer, Josh Donaldson--
NATHAN: Who are those people?
JEREMY: Oh God...
ADAM: What is it?
JEREMY: None of you have read it, have you?
BEN: Read what?

Then it hit me.

Josh Donaldson.

ME: Those are the characters in your book.

Jeremy looked sick.

ME: The book you wrote about us.

Hello Stranger

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

ME: Officer, do you have any information?
OFFICER: Wait, aren't you inside there? You match the photo we got of the owner.
ME: He's my twin brother. I'm Jeremy, he's--
VOICE: Jackson?

Only twenty minutes back in Providence, and already the confusion was beginning.

ME: No, I'm--

But when I turned around--

ME: Ritchie?

--It was already pretty evident that I wasn't Jackson.

Jackson never gets that terrified look in his eyes like I had at that moment. Although, then again, he may have developed it over the years. It's been awhile since we last saw each other.

Ritchie, however, I see every day on television. My two gay neighbors love his show, but I've never told them that I know him personally.

RITCHIE: Wait...Jeremy?
ME: Uh...surprise?
RITCHIE: What are you doing here?
ME: My brother and sister are being held hostage by a gunman. I think it called for a little family intervention, wouldn't you say?
RITCHIE: So you decide to reappear out of the blue after five years?
ME: Look, why don't we talk about this some--

But before I could finish, the limo pulled up, and Adam got out.

ADAM: Okay, how much is it going to cost to pay this crazy person off so I can get back to Manhattan?
RITCHIE: Wow, it's like that Class Reunion I never wanted to go to.
ADAM: Well, if it isn't America's favorite homo. Aren't you supposed to be interviewing a celebrity about their eating disorder?
RITCHIE: This is a big story. I'm here to report on it.
ME: Look, Ritchie, if you can find out anything--
VOICE: Jeremy!

Maybe I should put on a pair of sunglasses.

ADAM: Please tell me you didn't tell Ben and Nathan we were in town?
ME: I wanted to make sure everyone was okay.
BEN: We're fine. We skipped the Miracle Ball.
NATHAN: Yes, we're fine. Can we go now? It's cold out here.
ADAM: Nice to see you again after five years too, Nathan.
NATHAN: I am not getting sucked into all this gay drama.
ADAM: You consider a hostage situation gay drama?
VOICE: Well isn't this a lovely little gathering?

We all turned around to see Hank walking up to where the police had sectioned off the block.

RITCHIE: I should have just stayed at my 100th episode taping and hung out with Hall and Oates.
ADAM: That's the best you could do for a 100th episode?
RITCHIE: Nice shoes, Adam.
ADAM: Hey! These shoes are Italian!
BEN: Wow, I really didn't miss this at all.
ME: Guys, please. This is an emergency. Do we know who else might be in there? Billy maybe?

There was silence.

JEREMY: What? What's wrong?
HANK: He doesn't know?
JEREMY: Know what?
NATHAN: Billy's straight now.
JEREMY: Haha that's not funny.
NATHAN: Haha no, it's not. But it's true. He's straight. He has a fiance now and everything.
ME: Is this a joke?
OFFICER: Everybody clear out! The mayor's here!
JEREMY: Finally! Somebody's doing something.
HANK: Don't be so sure about that.

The Mayor's limo pulled up behind Adam's, and when the door opened, I almost passed out.

ME: Davis?

Davis smiled at me as he removed his sunglasses.

DAVIS: That's Mr. Mayor to you.

That's when I know this town has gone to Hell.

The Hostage

Hi, my name is Jackson.

ME: Look, whoever you are, I can pay you a lot of money to disappear about the back door, and nobody has to get hurt.
GUNMAN: What's the point of that? What's the point of nobody getting hurt?

He's taken me into my office at Prisms. I remember that the entire gay community of Rhode Island--activists, club promoters, bloggers, club rats, drag queens, etc--is sitting inside my club right now. And I have a gun pointed at me, but it's not the gun I'm worried about.

It's the bomb strapped to his chest.

All the doors have been barricaded, and the man holding the gun with the bomb strapped to his chest informed us that if anybody came near him, we'd all be blown sky high.

I don't think I've swallowed in the past hour.

All kinds of things are running through my head. How the Miracle Ball was going so well, and then the gunshots went off.

People ran for the doors, but the doors couldn't be opened.

Then the gunman got onstage--nobody seemed to know who he was--and he showed us the bomb.

That's when everybody stopped moving.

I could see people sneaking their phones out of their pockets, and sending out text messages. I think the gunman saw it too, but he didn't seem to mind. One time a flash even went off, meaning that soon his picture would be getting out and everyone would know that he was a criminal.

He didn't seem to care.

When he took me into the office, I thought maybe it was to negotiate with me.

But that wasn't it.

GUNMAN: I want you to tell me who can leave and who can stay.
ME: Excuse me?
GUNMAN: Pick ten people who can go, and the rest have to stay.
ME: And what happens to the people who stay?
GUNMAN: They evaporate.

He was asking me to pick survivors.

ME: I can't do that.
GUNMAN: Then everybody dies.
ME: This is insane.
GUNMAN: You bet it is.

The phone in my pocket was buzzing.

I looked out the window that makes up the fourth wall of my office, and saw Paige standing at the bar looking terrified.

I could send her out. I could at least save her.

But the others?

Maybe I could stall.

ME: How long do I have?

The gunman aimed the gun at my head.

GUNMAN: One minute.

And from his chest, I could hear the ticking of the bomb.

The Professor

Hi, my name is Professor.

WILL: Professor, really?
PROFESSOR: Yes, really.

I make the kids call me that.

I'm still paying off my student loans. The ones I needed to get my M.F.A., so there isn't going to be any camaraderie between me and the students. Maybe once the loan is paid off, that'll be different.

Maybe.

I'm currently in rehearsal at Ocean State College for a production of some awful comedy of manners from the 1700's that involves corsets and parasols.

The rehearsal is happening on a Friday night, because I don't have a life, so why should any of these kids? I know they want to go out. I can sense the urge they have to go drink and dance and make poor decisions.

I enjoy repressing that urge for them.

Then I get a text message from a number I deleted from my phone a long time ago.

TEXT MESSAGE: Hank, it's Jeremy. There's been a shooting at Prisms. Jackson and Paige are there. Can't talk now, but meet me downtown in an hour in front of the club.

Jeremy?

WILL: Professor, seriously?
PROFESSOR: Uh, rehearsal's over. Everybody can go.

A cheer erupts from them.

PROFESSOR: And it's not Professor Seriously.

It's Hank.

The Talk Show Host

Hi, my name is--

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen--

Say it with me now.

ANNOUNCER: Ritchie!

One hundred episodes goes by so fast.

KATE: You okay?
ME: I can't believe I've done this a hundred times.
KATE: You're a pro. This is going to be a great one.
ME: One hundred isn't even that big a deal in the talk show world. Five hundred is the milestone.
KATE: So I'll see you at five hundred then.
ME: If I live that long.

I walk out onstage, and the crowd erupts.

I'm a gay icon after all.

ME: Hey Everybody, welcome to our live 100th show! I--

That was when the monitors cut out.

ME: Uh, sorry, everybody. I guess we've having technical difficulties.

I knew filming a show live on a Friday night was a bad idea. Who would be watching anyway? This special was an awful idea.

The producers talked me into it. They said people would watch because I'm number one in daytime, but just means I'm number eighty-seven in primetime.

Becoming a talk show host was not the plan.

Kate rushed onstage.

ME: Did somebody knock over a camera or something?
KATE: Uh, we have an issue that we need to address.
ME: Now?
KATE: You wanted to do more hard-hitting reporting, right?

Just like the old days.

ME: Absolutely.
KATE: You're going to get your chance. There's been a shooting at the Miracle Ball.
ME: At Prisms?
KATE: We've got the van ready. You interested in going back to your old stomping grounds?

A shooter? A gay club? The biggest LGBT event of the year?

ME: Send the audience home. We're taking the show on the road.
KATE: You got it, boss.

This might just be a milestone episode after all.

The Changed Man

Hi, my name is Billy.

ME: I'm so happy you've reached this decision.

I help people.

CHRISTOPHER: I'm still a little unsure.
ME: Christopher, it's totally normal to feel weird about making the right decision when you've been making wrong ones for so long.

That's straight from the pamphlet they give us.

Christopher is the only guy I'm counseling right now, and this was going to be our last full meeting.

To celebrate, I took him to TGIFriday's.

Who can be unhappy about a life choice at TGIFriday's?

CHRISTOPHER: It's just strange for me, because...
ME: Because?
CHRISTOPHER: Well, you've been giving me all this help.
ME: Yes?
CHRISTOPHER: And, you're kind of the reason I'm making this decision--
ME: Christopher...
CHRISTOPHER: And, like, my parents, obviously, and other stuff--
ME: Chris--
CHRISTOPHER: Right, and me. Definitely. But...

Uh oh.

CHRISTOPHER: It's just strange because I sort of think I love you.

I've counseled lots of guys.

This is not the first time something like this has happened.

As a matter of fact, I wrote the section in the pamphlet about what to do if this happens.

ME: Christopher, let's remember all the hard work you've done to--

That was when I looked at the television over the bar and saw it.

Breaking News.

Shooting at Prisms. Hostages Taken.

CHRISTOPHER: Billy?
ME: Oh, uh, sorry.
CHRISTOPHER: Look, I just don't think I'm really interested in girls.

It took me a second, but then I remembered to switch back to professional mode. What were the odds that I would still know anybody at Prisms after all these years?

Back to the task at hand.

ME: Christopher, trust me. I felt the same way when I first corrected my inner desires. And now, I'm a changed man. I even have a girlfriend.
CHRISTOPHER: Really?
ME: Yes, and as a matter of fact, I plan on proposing to her tonight.

I could see that he was disappointed, but he'll adjust.

We all do.

The Business Man

Hi, my name is Nathan.

VOICE: We have a problem.

And I'm a business man.

ME: I'm a little preoccupied right now.
VOICE: Yeah, well I suggest you finish up your little anniversary dinner--
ME: Hey! We don't talk about my personal life.
VOICE: We do when it affects business. Right now that's where your mind needs to be.

When my phone rang, I excused myself to use the men's room.

Ben was busy dealing with Jeremy's problem anyway.

When Jeremy left five years ago, he and Ben were mortal enemies and now they were chatting it up just because Jackson might be being held captive by a crazed gunman.

Jeremy always did have to make it about him.

Now, my husband wants to cut our dinner short so he can go to Prisms and try to get some information from the cops or something.

I told him that was out of the question, but then my phone rang, and it was work.

And work isn't a call you ignore.

ME: What's the problem?
VOICE: That shooter at Prisms?
ME: Yes.
VOICE: You know him.
ME: I do?
VOICE: Of course you do, you moron. You hired him.

As soon as I heard the name, I almost dropped the phone.

It looks like Ben and I were headed to Prisms after all.

The Housewife

Hi, my name is--

VOICE: Joey?

Mr. Morgan Heller.

MORGAN: We're going to be late.
ME: Isn't that the point?
MORGAN: No, right now, we're fashionably late. If we wait any longer, we'll be inexcusably late. It's a very fine line.
ME: I'll go put on my bow tie.

Morgan and I have been married for three years now. He's changed my whole world. I don't sleep around with everybody like I used to.

MORGAN: Technically, I should be boycotting this thing.
ME: You're still mad they didn't ask your help with planning it?
MORGAN: Well, I did see it coming. Jackson hates me.
ME: Jackson hates everyone.
MORGAN: Yeah, well he better watch out. I'm not someone you want to have as an enemy.

I can vouch for that. My Morgan is a little...aggressive, at times.

VOICE: Hey guys, come in here!

That's Ken. He's our--

MORGAN: Ken, we're leaving.

--Well, it's complicated.

KEN: There's been a shooting at Prisms.
ME: What?

We went into the living room where Ken was sitting on the couch. We both sat on either side of him.

MORGAN: Is this happening now?
KEN: He's holding everybody at the Miracle Ball hostage.
MORGAN: That could be most of the gay community in Rhode Island.
ME: Jackson's probably in there.

I thought about Jeremy. Do he and Jackson even talk anymore?

KEN: If you guys weren't running late, you'd be there by now.
MORGAN: Good thing Joey doesn't know how to tie a bow tie.
ME: Hey!
KEN: I don't know what I'd do if I lost you guys.

Ken kissed Morgan, then me.

Then he went into the kitchen--probably to make himself a snack.

MORGAN: Don't worry, Ken. We're not going anywhere. Nobody can break the three of us up.

Hey, I told you it was complicated.

The Broadway Star

Hi, my name is--

VOICES: ADAM! OVER HERE! OVER HERE!

Well, you know my name.

VOICES: We love you!

And this is my favorite part of the day.

Exiting out of the stage door of a Broadway theater to hear over a hundred people screaming my name.

If I could, I would have this happen when I wake up in the morning.

Maybe I should just get a better apartment.

Once I get in the car that's waiting for me, my assistant, Tony, hands me a contract to look over.

ME: No, I am NOT doing sixteen weeks as Richard III. I hate Shakespeare.
TONY: It's Richard III: The Musical and you'd be playing Richard.
ME: Aren't I a little young for that?
TONY: They're casting you based on height.
ME: Ugh, fine. I'll do it. Just make sure there's no tap-dancing. I don't want to play a tap-dancing hunchback...again.

Ring, ring.

ME: Get that for me. Tell whoever it is that I'm recharging my creative juices.

Tony answered the phone, said what I told him to, and then handed it back to me.

TONY: It's Jeremy. He says he'll squeeze the juice out of you himself if you don't talk to him right now.

I grabbed the phone.

ME: Hello?
JEREMY: Tell your driver to get on the highway and head towards Providence.
ME: Are you insane? I have a two-show day tomorrow. And I have no interest in revisiting our stomping grounds from five years ago.
JEREMY: Adam, there's a shooter at Prisms--
ME: I bet there is.
JEREMY: LISTEN TO ME! Jackson's there.
ME: Jackson?
JEREMY: Who knows who else. The Miracle Ball was tonight. So far, the only person I could get a hold of was Ben.

Ugh, all these names from the past that I never wanted to hear again.

JEREMY: We have to get there.
ME: Why? I could care less what happens to those people.
JEREMY: Adam, I didn't tell you--
ME: What?
JEREMY: Paige is bar tending at Prisms now.

I felt my breath race out of my body.

JEREMY: She could be there right now.

I rolled down the divider.

ME: Driver, we're going to Providence.

Tony looked at me like I was insane. Maybe I am. Who knows?

ME: Tony, call the producers. They're sending my understudy on tomorrow.
TONY: Are you dropping me off?
ME: Absolutely not. In fact, from now on, you're my boyfriend, not my assistant. I'm not going back to Providence single. Those bitches would eat that up.
VOICE: Hello? Are you there?

Oh damn--

ME: Jeremy, I'm on my way.
JEREMY: Great. I'll meet you downtown in front of Prisms.

Now there's something I haven't heard in a long, long time.

The Artistic Director

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: Five years. Can you believe it?

This is my husband.

ME: I really can't.

I'm f**king miserable.

NATHAN: I ordered some wine so we can toast our anniversary--
ME: Order more.
NATHAN: What?
ME: Nothing.
NATHAN: Oh, well. I also wanted to celebrate your theater company reaching its five year milestone.

Oh yeah, I also run the most successful theater in Rhode Island.

AND I'm f**king miserable.

Nathan and I were enjoying ourselves at a restaurant downtown when a police car when racing by the window we were sitting at.

NATHAN: Have you picked next season yet?
ME: Yeah, we're going to do some premiere of something and some other premiere and As You Like It.
NATHAN: Why As You Like It?
ME: Why not?

Admittedly, my passion has diminished over the years. For theater. For love. For life.

NATHAN: ...Forget about that awful book Jeremy wrote.
ME: What?
NATHAN: The book Jeremy wrote. Did you read it yet? It's awful.
ME: You're just reading it now? It came out three years ago.

Jeremy, my old nemesis slash lover slash soulmate slash nemesis wrote a tell-all-semi-fictional book about Providence, and more than a few people wanted to kill him for it. Luckily for him, he disappeared two years before it was even published. Nobody knows where he is.

In the book, there's a character named Benton who Jeremy marries at the end of the book.

ME: I kind of liked the book.
NATHAN: Really? Even though it ended with him marrying Billy?
ME: He didn't marry Billy in the book, he married--

Uh oh.

NATHAN: Married who?
ME: Well, whoever the Benton character was based on. You know, Ben...ton.
NATHAN: It was the soulmate of the protagonist. It was Billy.
ME: Or, you know, someone else.

Three more police cars went by our window with their sirens on.

ME: What's going on?

The waitress appeared at our table looking really upset.

WAITRESS: Um, I'm sorry, but I have to leave. My roommate's at a bar and I guess there's been a shooting there or something.
NATHAN: What bar?
WAITRESS: Prisms.

The gay bar?

NATHAN: Wasn't tonight the Miracle Ball?
ME: Every gay guy in town could be at that club right now.
NATHAN: Wow...

This is--

NATHAN: ...Good thing we're not there, huh? Cheers.

He lifted his glass to us and our relationship.

Believe it or not, at that moment, I wished that I was at Prisms.

Then my phone rang.

NATHAN: Who is it?

When the name came up, I tried to hide the look of shock on my face.

ME: Uh...

But it didn't work.

NATHAN: Ben, what's wrong?

Jeremy was calling me.

The Mayor

Hi, I'm the Mayor of Providence.

MAN: Hey, um, you, your phone is blowing up.

This is the boy in my bed.

ME: I apologize. A pipe probably burst somewhere.

Usually, my assistant is great at handling things so I can have the weekends off. At 7pm on a Friday night, I'm usually already celebrating with a nice young man like--

ME: What's your name again?
MAN: Paul.
ME: Great, Paul. Fantastic. You look like a Christian, but I'll take Paul. Paul, I gotta take this call. See what I did there? Give me a second. You can feel free to pleasure me while I'm on the phone.
PAUL: Or I could get dressed.
ME: You could, but something tells me you like to finish what you start.
PAUL: You--
ME: Hold that thought.

This better be good.

VOICE: Mayor?
ME: Did someone let a llama loose in the mall again?
VOICE: Listen to me, you broken condom. Right now, there is a gunman holding everyone who attended the Miracle Ball tonight hostage at Prisms.

I was fully dressed before he said 'Prisms.'

Because I'm just that good.

ME: What do we know?
VOICE: Get down here. I'll catch you up. And from now on, try to keep your whoring until after ten pm like a normal person.
ME: Don't forget that you're my assistant.
VOICE: Don't forget that I'm the one who got you elected.
ME: I'm still the damn mayor!

But he had already hung up.

PAUL: You're the Mayor? Mayor of what? This hotel? Because I totally couldn't get service on Foursquare.
ME: No, of Providence.
PAUL: You mean you're--
ME: Yeah.

I'm John Davis.

The Writer

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

Jeremy, it's Kate. You're still my favorite client, but if you keep dodging my phone calls, I'm going to start getting snippy. Hahaha no, but really, Jeremy, please call me. We're wondering how the first draft is coming of the new book so we can--

Beep.

I'm not that great at returning phone calls.

Not anymore.

Knock, knock.

Although, I do still love a good party.

EDWARD: We brought salad.
EDSON: And several jazz CD's.
EDWARD: Get ready for the best gay dinner party ever.

Albeit a more subdued party.

EDWARD: How's the book coming?
EDSON: Edward--
EDWARD: What? He said he was almost finished two months ago.
EDSON: He doesn't like talking about work.
ME: It's okay, really. It's...coming along. I just want to make sure I nail the ending.
EDWARD: Well, what's the problem?
ME: I just feel sort of stuck at this particular plot point. I've added too many characters. Overall, I'm just not interested. I've kind of backed myself into a creative corner.
EDSON: Why don't you skip ahead a few years? That usually helps get writers out of a rut.
ME: Edson, that's what cheap television writers do when they want to cheat their way out of their own bad planning.
EDWARD: Yes, but as long as they use the device effectively, nobody seems to care.
ME: I care. I'll work this out.

Rule Number One of throwing a good party?

...Breaking news out of Rhode Island...

Turn off the television.

...A gunman is holding an entire bar full of people hostage at a local club called Prisms.

I was up and out of my chair so fast it fell over.

EDSON: Jeremy, are you all right?
ME: Sorry I just--

--Haven't heard that name in five years.

ME: --I think they said a shooting at a gay club.
EDGAR: Really? Is that what Prisms is?
EDSON: I went to Providence. The entire city is only about eight blocks and a hot dog stand.

Typical New Yorkers.

...We know for sure that one of the hostages is the owner of the club...

EDGAR: Jeremy, turn that off. It's depressing.
EDSON: Edgar, it's news.
EDGAR: It's happening in Rhode Island. It's hardly news.

The owner of the club?

JEREMY: Jackson.
EDGAR: What was that, Jeremy?
EDSON: Are you okay?
JEREMY: My brother owns that club.

Just when I think I'm out...

The situation here is dire. The gay community in Providence is very small and we're lead to believe many of its notable members may be at the club tonight.

...They pull me back in.