Hi, my name is Nathan.
DAVIS: Well, if it isn't the boy from state school.
This is my girlfriend.
HAYLEY: Remember, honey, be strong.
We're here to shut down Slice.
ME: Davis, you are perpetuating a sinful lifestyle.
DAVIS: Yeah, what else is new?
JEREMY: Nathan, what's going on with you?
ME: Jeremy, I've made a huge change in my life.
HAYLEY: Nathan has decided to turn his eyes away from the harsh light of moral degradation.
HANK: So he won't be going to karaoke Tuesdays at Fox's anymore?
ME: My new friends at RIC have taught me that heterosexual love is the only love that can be appreciated by God.
JEREMY: Oh my God, did they convert you?
Valerie Westgate warned me that they would use terms like this.
She said--
VALERIE WESTGATE: You have felt the true love now, Nathan. Embrace it. Let go of those who would pull you down into their nets of deceit.
It was after the musical one night. I found myself down in a basement where I was given alcohol and strange tablets and suddenly a light dawned on me--
HANK: Bitch is crazy.
ME: I was hoping maybe some of you would join me in my quest to Christ.
DAVIS: I'd rather wait in line at a Starbucks.
I smiled at Davis, for soon he will fall.
ME: You are the King of these Sinners, Davis. You must be brought down.
DAVIS: Spoken like a true cult nut.
ME: You'll be meeting your judge soon. Let's go, Hayley.
Some people you just can't change.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Mutual Assured Destruction
Hi, my name is Joey.
ME: I want you to change your book.
I've been exposed.
DAVIS: Joey, I'm not sure you understand how books work.
Then again, so has everyone else in town.
I went to Davis' apartment to beg him to change the embarrassing parts of the book--at least the ones that involve me having threeways and being a slut.
DAVIS: So you want me to lie?
ME: Davis, all that stuff was private!
DAVIS: That's why it's on the bestseller list, Joey.
ME: Print a retraction!
DAVIS: It's a book! Not a blog!
I flipped over his coffee table.
It's the most violent thing I've ever done.
ME: Davis, if you don't fix this, I'll--
DAVIS: You'll what? Set my club on fire?
. . . . .
DAVIS: Hank saw you going into the boiler room before Ritchie's club exploded.
ME: He, uh...
DAVIS: See? I left out the best part of the book. I'd consider myself lucky if I were you.
ME: We meant so much to each other.
DAVIS: And now you're bopping a dwarf. Sorry if I don't feel there's any loyalty there.
ME: You can't say anything.
DAVIS: Consider it mutual assured destruction. My book stays the way it is printing after printing, and you're not exposed as being a murderer.
ME: A--
DAVIS: Carter, remember? That would be on you.
I didn't know what to say, so I turned around and walked out.
But in my head, I knew what I had to do.
Davis has to go.
ME: I want you to change your book.
I've been exposed.
DAVIS: Joey, I'm not sure you understand how books work.
Then again, so has everyone else in town.
I went to Davis' apartment to beg him to change the embarrassing parts of the book--at least the ones that involve me having threeways and being a slut.
DAVIS: So you want me to lie?
ME: Davis, all that stuff was private!
DAVIS: That's why it's on the bestseller list, Joey.
ME: Print a retraction!
DAVIS: It's a book! Not a blog!
I flipped over his coffee table.
It's the most violent thing I've ever done.
ME: Davis, if you don't fix this, I'll--
DAVIS: You'll what? Set my club on fire?
. . . . .
DAVIS: Hank saw you going into the boiler room before Ritchie's club exploded.
ME: He, uh...
DAVIS: See? I left out the best part of the book. I'd consider myself lucky if I were you.
ME: We meant so much to each other.
DAVIS: And now you're bopping a dwarf. Sorry if I don't feel there's any loyalty there.
ME: You can't say anything.
DAVIS: Consider it mutual assured destruction. My book stays the way it is printing after printing, and you're not exposed as being a murderer.
ME: A--
DAVIS: Carter, remember? That would be on you.
I didn't know what to say, so I turned around and walked out.
But in my head, I knew what I had to do.
Davis has to go.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Brothers and Sisters
Hi, my name is Jackson.
JOAN: I was going to tell you.
We're having a family meeting.
PAIGE: When? On your deathbed?
ME: Don't be ridiculous, Paige. She's not mortal.
JOAN: I'm having just as hard a time with this as you all are.
JEREMY: I severely doubt that, Mom. We were blind-sided.
JOAN: I knew you wouldn't take it well.
Paige started to cry--again.
PAIGE: Do you know who my family is?
Jeremy grabbed Paige.
JEREMY: WE are your family. So what if we're not blood? Jackson and I are identical twins, and we were like strangers until last year.
ME: Way to open up that old wound, Jeremy.
JEREMY: Paige, we are your brothers, and we love you.
PAIGE: But I need to know where I came from!
JOAN: You came from an adoption agency. There, that was easy.
She finished off her Death on the Gulf Stream.
JEREMY: I need ice cream.
PAIGE: I'll drive. Maybe I'll see a nice tree I can crash into.
She went into her room to get her coat. Joan pulled Jeremy and I close to her.
JOAN: I may have lied.
ME: May have?
JOAN: About not knowing who Paige's family is--
JEREMY: So tell her.
JOAN: I can't.
ME: Why not?
JOAN: Because she already knows one of them. So do you?
JEREMY: What are you talking about?
JOAN: Paige has a brother. A biological brother. And he's one of your friends.
Oh great.
Paige is related to another CBQ.
JOAN: I was going to tell you.
We're having a family meeting.
PAIGE: When? On your deathbed?
ME: Don't be ridiculous, Paige. She's not mortal.
JOAN: I'm having just as hard a time with this as you all are.
JEREMY: I severely doubt that, Mom. We were blind-sided.
JOAN: I knew you wouldn't take it well.
Paige started to cry--again.
PAIGE: Do you know who my family is?
Jeremy grabbed Paige.
JEREMY: WE are your family. So what if we're not blood? Jackson and I are identical twins, and we were like strangers until last year.
ME: Way to open up that old wound, Jeremy.
JEREMY: Paige, we are your brothers, and we love you.
PAIGE: But I need to know where I came from!
JOAN: You came from an adoption agency. There, that was easy.
She finished off her Death on the Gulf Stream.
JEREMY: I need ice cream.
PAIGE: I'll drive. Maybe I'll see a nice tree I can crash into.
She went into her room to get her coat. Joan pulled Jeremy and I close to her.
JOAN: I may have lied.
ME: May have?
JOAN: About not knowing who Paige's family is--
JEREMY: So tell her.
JOAN: I can't.
ME: Why not?
JOAN: Because she already knows one of them. So do you?
JEREMY: What are you talking about?
JOAN: Paige has a brother. A biological brother. And he's one of your friends.
Oh great.
Paige is related to another CBQ.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
A Bond That's Hard to Break
Hi, my name is Ben.
JEREMY: Hey, what's up?
I have something for Jeremy.
ME: I wanted to give you your graduation present.
JEREMY: Oh, I thought maybe you were here to see Jackson.
ME: No, he's meeting me at the mall in a little while.
JEREMY: Well, come in. I never say 'No' to a gift.
I sat down on the couch in the living room.
Once Jeremy was next to me, I took out the card.
JEREMY: Please tell me it's not ten bucks and a 'Go get 'em kid.'
ME: Not exactly.
His mouth dropped when he saw the tickets.
JEREMY: Ben, these tickets are impossible to get. This is the hottest show on Broadway right now.
ME: I'm aware.
JEREMY: These must have been a fortune.
ME: Just a small one.
JEREMY: Why would you--
I kissed him. I leaned over and kissed him.
He pulled back right away, and stood up.
JEREMY: This isn't happening.
ME: Why not?
JEREMY: Um, Jackson?
ME: You mean the guy who slept with your ex-boyfriend?
JEREMY: I mean, my brother.
ME: I thought I could date him and it would...
JEREMY: I don't need to be hearing this.
ME: I love you.
Oh God...
I just said that.
Out loud.
JEREMY: You need to leave now.
ME: I've changed, okay? I've changed, and I've changed because of you. I can be a good person, but I can't be a good person if I can't be with you.
JEREMY: That--really can't be my problem, Ben. I'm sorry, but--
ME: Do you hate me?
JEREMY: OF COURSE I DON'T HATE YOU!
ME: THEN WHY ARE YOU YELLING?
JEREMY: I DON'T KNOW!
The door opened.
PAIGE: Um, hi guys.
Cue sister to heighten awkward moment.
PAIGE: I...uh...
JEREMY: Is something wrong?
PAIGE: Do you remember when Jackson was in the hospital and they thought he was going to lose his kidney?
JEREMY: Yeah.
PAIGE: I was going to give him mine.
JEREMY: You didn't tell me that.
PAIGE: I was tested, but...he didn't need it, so--
ME: So great. Jeremy and I were talking and--
PAIGE: I wasn't a match.
ME: Okay. Well, that's not abnormal.
PAIGE: No, you don't understand. I wasn't a match. They did some testing, and...
Jeremy looked like he'd just been slapped across the face.
But Paige looked worse.
PAIGE: Jackson's not my brother.
Jeremy grabbed my arm. I put it around his waist. He was shaking.
PAIGE: Jeremy, that means I'm not your sister.
That was when he straight up passed out.
JEREMY: Hey, what's up?
I have something for Jeremy.
ME: I wanted to give you your graduation present.
JEREMY: Oh, I thought maybe you were here to see Jackson.
ME: No, he's meeting me at the mall in a little while.
JEREMY: Well, come in. I never say 'No' to a gift.
I sat down on the couch in the living room.
Once Jeremy was next to me, I took out the card.
JEREMY: Please tell me it's not ten bucks and a 'Go get 'em kid.'
ME: Not exactly.
His mouth dropped when he saw the tickets.
JEREMY: Ben, these tickets are impossible to get. This is the hottest show on Broadway right now.
ME: I'm aware.
JEREMY: These must have been a fortune.
ME: Just a small one.
JEREMY: Why would you--
I kissed him. I leaned over and kissed him.
He pulled back right away, and stood up.
JEREMY: This isn't happening.
ME: Why not?
JEREMY: Um, Jackson?
ME: You mean the guy who slept with your ex-boyfriend?
JEREMY: I mean, my brother.
ME: I thought I could date him and it would...
JEREMY: I don't need to be hearing this.
ME: I love you.
Oh God...
I just said that.
Out loud.
JEREMY: You need to leave now.
ME: I've changed, okay? I've changed, and I've changed because of you. I can be a good person, but I can't be a good person if I can't be with you.
JEREMY: That--really can't be my problem, Ben. I'm sorry, but--
ME: Do you hate me?
JEREMY: OF COURSE I DON'T HATE YOU!
ME: THEN WHY ARE YOU YELLING?
JEREMY: I DON'T KNOW!
The door opened.
PAIGE: Um, hi guys.
Cue sister to heighten awkward moment.
PAIGE: I...uh...
JEREMY: Is something wrong?
PAIGE: Do you remember when Jackson was in the hospital and they thought he was going to lose his kidney?
JEREMY: Yeah.
PAIGE: I was going to give him mine.
JEREMY: You didn't tell me that.
PAIGE: I was tested, but...he didn't need it, so--
ME: So great. Jeremy and I were talking and--
PAIGE: I wasn't a match.
ME: Okay. Well, that's not abnormal.
PAIGE: No, you don't understand. I wasn't a match. They did some testing, and...
Jeremy looked like he'd just been slapped across the face.
But Paige looked worse.
PAIGE: Jackson's not my brother.
Jeremy grabbed my arm. I put it around his waist. He was shaking.
PAIGE: Jeremy, that means I'm not your sister.
That was when he straight up passed out.
The Author
Hi, my name is Davis.
BOOK BUYER: It's such a thrill to meet you.
If you ever told me that one day I'd be spending a Friday night in a Barnes and Noble, I would have told you were--
ME: How would you like me to sign this?
--maybe not so crazy.
After shutting down Prisms, a publishing company in Boston asked me to write my advice for young, gay businessmen.
I thought it was a fantastic idea.
Unfortunately, for most of the gays in Providence, it turned into more of a memoir.
ELI: Hello Davis.
And not everybody is thrilled about that.
ME: Oh Eli, did you actually buy one of my books? I would have given you a really good discount on that.
ELI: I already read the parts I'm interested in--the parts involving me.
ME: Even the parts about you where I used big words?
ELI: You put my business out there for everyone to read.
ME: And it's a bestseller, motherf**ker. Now do you want me to sign your copy or not?
He flipped the table I was sitting at over, sending books flying everywhere.
ELI: What you've done can't be undone. Maybe something like that needs to happen to you.
He walked away, and I wondered...
Was that a threat?
BOOK BUYER: It's such a thrill to meet you.
If you ever told me that one day I'd be spending a Friday night in a Barnes and Noble, I would have told you were--
ME: How would you like me to sign this?
--maybe not so crazy.
After shutting down Prisms, a publishing company in Boston asked me to write my advice for young, gay businessmen.
I thought it was a fantastic idea.
Unfortunately, for most of the gays in Providence, it turned into more of a memoir.
ELI: Hello Davis.
And not everybody is thrilled about that.
ME: Oh Eli, did you actually buy one of my books? I would have given you a really good discount on that.
ELI: I already read the parts I'm interested in--the parts involving me.
ME: Even the parts about you where I used big words?
ELI: You put my business out there for everyone to read.
ME: And it's a bestseller, motherf**ker. Now do you want me to sign your copy or not?
He flipped the table I was sitting at over, sending books flying everywhere.
ELI: What you've done can't be undone. Maybe something like that needs to happen to you.
He walked away, and I wondered...
Was that a threat?
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Graduation
Hi, my name is Jeremy.
JACKSON: I can't believe you're leaving me in this school for another year.
ME: Maybe if somebody hadn't taken a year off to bed every bartender in Europe, they'd be graduating too.
JACKSON: I'd say it was worth it, but I'll just wait until you're depressed and show you the photo album.
I'm about to graduate college.
The family was gathered on the baseball field near the quad. Joan was being her normal, reserved self.
JOAN: My baby! My baby! My little baby!
JACKSON: Great. She's launching into 'Sophie's Choice.'
JOAN: My favorite son!
JACKSON: Yup, there it is.
Paige wasn't speaking to me.
ME: I guess I'm not going to get a 'Congratulations.'
PAIGE: When you give me the new password to the Wilde Blog, you will.
ME: Guess that's a 'No' then.
When Jackson and I found out that our sister was the new Wilde, we immediately forced her to give us the password. We changed it, then waited for the blog to die, but someone was still updating it.
JACKSON: Why don't you just tell us who your co-conspirator is?
ME: It can't be Adam. The blog was updated when he was out with us the other night.
PAIGE: I'll never tell.
JACKSON: Please, you talk shit in your sleep. We'll get it out of you.
VOICE: Hey!
I turned around to see Ritchie running towards me holding a book.
ME: Ritchie, you didn't actually buy one of those over-priced yearbooks, did you?
RITCHIE: No, I bought something a LOT better.
He handed me the book.
ME: 'Gossip and the Gays: A Life in Providence?'
RITCHIE: Did you know Davis was writing this?
ME: Davis WROTE something?
RITCHIE: It's dedicated to you.
ME: Aww, that's so--
RITCHIE: It's filled with everything that's happened over the past two years.
ME: That's impossible. Davis is incredibly private.
VOICE: Not when there's six figures on the table.
Davis had me in a hug, before I could even turn around to look at him.
ME: Davis, you didn't.
DAVIS: They're already talking about an HBO series.
JACKSON: Am I in that?
DAVIS: Don't worry. I changed your name.
Jackson grabbed the book from me and flipped through it.
JACKSON: You changed my name to 'Jason?' Everyone's going to know that's me!
DAVIS: Only the people who buy the book. That's the point.
Jackson stormed off.
RITCHIE: Davis, I hope you know that between this and closing down Prisms, you're now the most hated guy in Providence.
ME: Ritchie, don't exaggerate.
RITCHIE: Oh, I'm not. Check the Wilde Blog.
Ritchie started walking towards the quad.
ME: Davis, I think maybe you've gone--
DAVIS: Too far? Please, when do I not?
He gave me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek.
DAVIS: I'm proud of you.
Love him or hate him, he's still my best friend.
Hopefully that target on him isn't too big...
JACKSON: I can't believe you're leaving me in this school for another year.
ME: Maybe if somebody hadn't taken a year off to bed every bartender in Europe, they'd be graduating too.
JACKSON: I'd say it was worth it, but I'll just wait until you're depressed and show you the photo album.
I'm about to graduate college.
The family was gathered on the baseball field near the quad. Joan was being her normal, reserved self.
JOAN: My baby! My baby! My little baby!
JACKSON: Great. She's launching into 'Sophie's Choice.'
JOAN: My favorite son!
JACKSON: Yup, there it is.
Paige wasn't speaking to me.
ME: I guess I'm not going to get a 'Congratulations.'
PAIGE: When you give me the new password to the Wilde Blog, you will.
ME: Guess that's a 'No' then.
When Jackson and I found out that our sister was the new Wilde, we immediately forced her to give us the password. We changed it, then waited for the blog to die, but someone was still updating it.
JACKSON: Why don't you just tell us who your co-conspirator is?
ME: It can't be Adam. The blog was updated when he was out with us the other night.
PAIGE: I'll never tell.
JACKSON: Please, you talk shit in your sleep. We'll get it out of you.
VOICE: Hey!
I turned around to see Ritchie running towards me holding a book.
ME: Ritchie, you didn't actually buy one of those over-priced yearbooks, did you?
RITCHIE: No, I bought something a LOT better.
He handed me the book.
ME: 'Gossip and the Gays: A Life in Providence?'
RITCHIE: Did you know Davis was writing this?
ME: Davis WROTE something?
RITCHIE: It's dedicated to you.
ME: Aww, that's so--
RITCHIE: It's filled with everything that's happened over the past two years.
ME: That's impossible. Davis is incredibly private.
VOICE: Not when there's six figures on the table.
Davis had me in a hug, before I could even turn around to look at him.
ME: Davis, you didn't.
DAVIS: They're already talking about an HBO series.
JACKSON: Am I in that?
DAVIS: Don't worry. I changed your name.
Jackson grabbed the book from me and flipped through it.
JACKSON: You changed my name to 'Jason?' Everyone's going to know that's me!
DAVIS: Only the people who buy the book. That's the point.
Jackson stormed off.
RITCHIE: Davis, I hope you know that between this and closing down Prisms, you're now the most hated guy in Providence.
ME: Ritchie, don't exaggerate.
RITCHIE: Oh, I'm not. Check the Wilde Blog.
Ritchie started walking towards the quad.
ME: Davis, I think maybe you've gone--
DAVIS: Too far? Please, when do I not?
He gave me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek.
DAVIS: I'm proud of you.
Love him or hate him, he's still my best friend.
Hopefully that target on him isn't too big...
Thursday, April 1, 2010
A Good Read
Hi, my name is Adam.
ME: Paige, we're going to be late.
PAIGE: Fashionably late.
ME: It's not fashionable if you show up AFTER the party is over.
PAIGE: I just have to finish updating the blog.
Paige was putting all the dirt about Davis shutting down Prisms on the Wilde Blog.
ME: This blog has taken over your life.
PAIGE: How can you say that?
ME: You're right. This blog has taken over your life--you dumb bitch.
PAIGE: I'm writing the hottest piece of literature in Providence--not counting what's written on the bathroom wall in Grizzly's.
ME: Are you done?
PAIGE: Finished. Let's head out.
We were going to Prisms to celebrate its last night in existence.
After getting all the way to the car, Paige remembered that she left her ID back in her room.
So we had to go all the way back to the apartment, and when we got there.
JEREMY: Hello little sister.
JACKSON: Did you forget something?
There was the computer--with Paige still logged onto the Wilde blog.
PAIGE: Uh...does anybody want me to make hot chocolate?
JACKSON: You know you're f**ked, right?
PAIGE: Ohhh, I'm aware.
Looks like Paige's career as an author has just been cut short.
ME: Paige, we're going to be late.
PAIGE: Fashionably late.
ME: It's not fashionable if you show up AFTER the party is over.
PAIGE: I just have to finish updating the blog.
Paige was putting all the dirt about Davis shutting down Prisms on the Wilde Blog.
ME: This blog has taken over your life.
PAIGE: How can you say that?
ME: You're right. This blog has taken over your life--you dumb bitch.
PAIGE: I'm writing the hottest piece of literature in Providence--not counting what's written on the bathroom wall in Grizzly's.
ME: Are you done?
PAIGE: Finished. Let's head out.
We were going to Prisms to celebrate its last night in existence.
After getting all the way to the car, Paige remembered that she left her ID back in her room.
So we had to go all the way back to the apartment, and when we got there.
JEREMY: Hello little sister.
JACKSON: Did you forget something?
There was the computer--with Paige still logged onto the Wilde blog.
PAIGE: Uh...does anybody want me to make hot chocolate?
JACKSON: You know you're f**ked, right?
PAIGE: Ohhh, I'm aware.
Looks like Paige's career as an author has just been cut short.
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