Crowded House

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

ME: Who used all the hot water?

I am now living a gay version of "Full House."

A month after my friends and I were taken hostage by a madman...again...everything had somewhat returned to normal.

BILLY: Jeremy, have you talked to Jackson about the screaming when he's--
ME: I'm on it.

Well, our version of normal anyway.

Adam's uncle had sent Travis packing, but some things from our trip to New Hampshire have stuck.

For instance--

JACKSON: Bro, you have no idea what you passed up with Nathan. He's like a clown car.
ME: I'm not sure I want to understand that simile.

Right on cue, Nathan walked out of Jackson's room wearing big, red floppy shoes.

ME: Okay, so it was a metaphor.
NATHAN: I'm practicing for clown class tomorrow.
BILLY: You need practice?
NATHAN: Ha ha, aren't you funny?
JACKSON: That must be why our room has all the screaming and Jeremy's room has all the laughs.

My brother and Nathan have been going out this entire month. I would say something about it, but then Nathan might turn his sights back on me.

Knock, knock.

PAIGE: I'll get it! That might be Adam. He's sleeping over tonight.
ME: Tell him there's no food and no hot water. Right now, this apartment has as many luxuries as a Turkish prison.

But it wasn't Adam.

DAVIS: I have to crash here tonight.
BILLY: Oh, come on!
ME: Still having nightmares?
DAVIS: This morning I woke up holding a steak knife.
ME: Maybe you were sleep eating filet mignon?
DAVIS: Please, can I just crash on the couch?
PAIGE: Adam's taking the couch.
ME: Adam can sleep in your room since he's your guest. Yes, Davis, you can have the couch.
DAVIS: Thanks.

I keep trying to get him to see a therapist about what happened with Travis, but getting Davis into therapy is like getting a pig into a bacon factory.

Knock, Knock

PAIGE: That must be Adam!

No dice.

RITCHIE: Hey y'all.

It was Ritchie--with a red nose.

ME: Let me guess. You're Nathan's scene partner.
RITCHIE: Yup.
ME: Second door on the right. Ignore the dents in the walls.

Knock, knock.

BEN: Is my lying, manipulative ex-boyfriend here?
ME: Which one?
BEN: Very funny.
ME: My room is the laugh room.
BEN: Huh?
ME: Never mind. What do you need Nathan for?
BEN: We have to discuss how we're getting rid of our apartment?
ME: Do you need a roommate?
BEN: I guess I could just get a new roommate. Are you interested?
ME: No, but I was going to try pawning Jackson off on you.
BEN: Seeing as how he and Nathan--
ME: Fine. You can have Paige.

Knock, knock.

JOEY: Is Davis here?
ME: Yes.
JOEY: Okay.

. . . . .

ME: Do you need him for something?
JOEY: Just wanted to say hi.
ME: Uh...Okay. He's in the kitchen.
JOEY: Okay.

Great. I know what that means. Davis is relighting old flames.

Knock, knock.

ME: Yes, Carter, how may I help you?
CARTER: I drove by and saw you were having a party. Thanks for inviting me.
ME: Sadly, there's no party here.
CARTER: Are you sure?
ME: Well, I know I'm not having fun.
CARTER: Can I watch tv anyway while I'm here? I don't get cable.
ME: Sure. Why not? At this point, it's practically a commune anyway.

Knock, knock.

ADAM: Hey Jeremy, what's up?
ME: Nothing. I'm just fantasizing about becoming a leper and getting to move to one of those nice colonies where you live in exile.

Finally, I ended up barricaded in my room with Billy.

BILLY: Looks like this is the place to be.
ME: Who knew being popular could make you want to kill yourself?

Billy leaned over and kissed me. I slid my hand up his shirt and felt the coolness on his skin. That always gives me chills.

ME: This may be an insane question considering everything, but--why don't you move with me?
BILLY: Like--officially?
ME: Yeah. Officially.

He smiled.

Hey, what's one more mouth to feed?

Party Crasher

Hi, my name is Adam.

TRAVIS: Can I help you?

I've decided that I'm not putting up with it anymore.

ME: Is this where John Davis and his friends are staying?

TRAVIS: Uh, yes, it is.

ME: Great.

I pushed through the random guy at the door and walked into the living room.

JOEY: Adam?

CARTER: What are you doing here?

JEREMY: Run!

That was when I noticed that all the CBQ's were sitting either on or around the couch with two guys pointing guns at them.

ME: You know what, I don't want to be anywhere I'm not wanted.

TRAVIS: Oh, but we want you here.

He shoved me onto the couch in between Joey and Carter.

ME: Awwwwwkward.

Random guy, who I would later learn was named Travis, then proceeded to pace back and forth like one of those bad guys in the movies.

TRAVIS: Now what am I going to do with you boys?

JACKSON: I say kill Davis and call it a day.

DAVIS: You bitch!

HANK: I second that--sorry, Davis.

TRAVIS: The trouble is, you've all seen me and my friends here. So at the very least, I'm going to have to cut out all your tongues.

CARTER: But I do some of my favorite stuff with my tongue!

I raised my hand.

TRAVIS: I'm sorry--do you have a question?

ME: No, this is just the signal.

TRAVIS: What signal?

ME: The signal to Paige.

JEREMY: Paige?

ME: She's outside the window with my uncle.

That was when four armed men busted down the front door.

ME: My Italian uncle.

Before Travis' men could do anything, one of my uncle's friends came flying through the window, and cracked both their windpipes.

Travis reached for the gun in his pocket, but Davis tackled him, and he went down pretty hard.

BILLY: Adam, what--

ME: I figured you guys would need help once Travis found you.

Paige came running into the house.

PAIGE: That was sooo cool! Way better than when we did it in the practice run.

BEN: There was a PRACTICE run?

ME: My uncle is very thorough.

Jeremy gave me a hug.

JEREMY: Adam, that was amazing.

ME: Does this mean I'm one of the gang?

Everybody looked at each other. Then Davis cleared his throat.

DAVIS: Adam, welcome to the CBQ's.

They're lucky. If he hadn't said that, I was going to turn Uncle Vito on them.

Under the Covers

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: Jackson? Are you awake?

I'm about to make amends with my ex-boyfriend.

This whole being single nonsense is not for me. So I went to Jackson's room to bring him dinner in bed. He said he wasn't feeling well earlier, and I thought maybe some soup would help.

JACKSON'S VOICE: Hank, don't--

Little did I know, he already had somebody rubbing the vapor rub on his chest.

ME: Ahhh!

NATHAN: Hank, this is, um--

JACKSON: Okay, let's face it. It's exactly what it looks like.

All the other guys came running to see what was going on.

BILLY: Jeremy, what the hell are you doing?

JEREMY: Billy--

BILLY: Oh, right, sorry. JACKSON! What the hell are you doing?

JACKSON: Exactly what I want.

BEN: With my boyfriend.

NATHAN: Oh, so we're so serious now?

DAVIS: I'm going to have to burn those sheets.

JACKSON: Shut up, Davis.

CARTER: I didn't even know you guys liked each other.

DAVIS: It's never stopped either of them before.

Jackson locked his eyes on me.

JACKSON: What were you doing?

ME: I was bringing you soup.

JACKSON: Why?

ME: BECAUSE I MISS YOU!

I slammed the tray down onto the floor sending soup flying everywhere.

Good, I thought, I hope somebody got burned.

ME: I'm going home.

JEREMY: You know what? I'm going too.

NATHAN: Jeremy, wait--

JACKSON: Why are you telling him to wait?

BEN: Yeah, same question.

BILLY: Because he loves him.

JACKSON: What?

DAVIS: Haha--that's amazing.

JEREMY: Shut up, Davis. Hank, let's go.

CARTER: I want to come too.

BILLY: Why? Are you mad about something too?

CARTER: Nooo, I just remembered I have class tomorrow.

That was when we heard the front door open.

ME: Great. I let Ritchie borrow my car. I'm getting the keys and I'm getting out of here.

But once I got downstairs--

TRAVIS: Hello Hank. Nice to see you again.

Travis--

Two guys with guns--

Ritchie, Eli, and Joey all cowering in fear--

TRAVIS: Sorry it couldn't be under better circumstances.

Looks like I might be staying an extra night.

The Mechanical Bull

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ME: So do you come here often?

ANTONIO: No, we're only here because God hates us.

ME: Wow, we have something in common.

Joey, Eli, and I had managed to find a little bar on the edge of Dover where we ran into some college kids staying at a local hotel for the American College Theater Festival.

ME: Well, what do you know? College theater majors just ripe for the picking.

ELI: Back off, creepfest. I haven't had a hook-up since I left L.A. I call all these guys.

JOEY: I like the one holding the records.

ME: Joey, that's a jukebox.

JOEY: Maybe I pre-gamed a little too hard.

We sat at a table with these kids from Providence.

Rhode Island is weird like that--it's like the Eerie, Indiana of New England. Rhode Islanders always find each other. You could go to Siberia and chances are you'll run into somebody from Rhode Island.

ME: So what year are you in at RIC, Antonio?

HAYLEY: Did you tell him that's what your name is?

ANTONIO: It's my stage name!

JOEY: It's okay. Mine is Joey Jingles.

ME: He wasn't talking about that kind of stage, Joey.

JOEY: Hahaha...what?

VOICE: Hey guys!

We all turned to see Eli getting on a mechanical bull.

ME: This isn't going to end well.

ELI: ELI'S ABOUT TO BUST THIS BULL!

JOEY: Why is Eli riding that jukebox?

ANTONIO: Wait, Eli? And you're Ritchie, right?

ME: Yeah, you know us?

HAYLEY: Um, you guys are on the Wilde Blog ALL THE TIME!

ELI: You mean last year when that psycho got a hold of it?

ANTONIO: No, we mean like--today.

ME: What?

Hayley took out her IPhone and showed us the blog.

WILDE BLOG: ...That's right, kids. The CBQ's are hiding out in Dover. Let's hope whoever they're hiding from doesn't find them. In New Hampshire, nobody can hear you scream.

Oh f**k.

ME: We have to go.

ANTONIO: But I'm up on the bull in a few--

That was when Eli went flying into the table.

ANTONIO: Maybe I'll pass. That bull is rougher than I thought.

But it wasn't the bull that threw Eli into the table.

VOICE: Hello boys.

Joey and I looked over to see Travis standing next to our table with a guy on each side of him--both of whom looked like they were holding something heavy inside their coats.

TRAVIS: Mind telling me where my ex-boyfriend is?

ANTONIO: Man, you OSC boys have some bad break-ups.

This isn't going to end well.

Three to a Bed

Hi, my name is Billy.

ME: So is there anyone that isn't in love with you?

My boyfriend is suddenly a hot commodity.

Jeremy and I were getting ready for bed. He just disclosed to me that Nathan seems to have feelings for him.

JEREMY: I don't think my brother has the hots for me. Does that count?
ME: I'm so glad you think this is funny.
JEREMY: Billy, if you think I would date Nathan--
ME: That's not the point.
JEREMY: What other point is there?
ME: It makes me nervous.

He laughed and kissed me.

JEREMY: You think after two years of being madly in love with you, I'm just going to jump ship and hop on a skanky schooner?
ME: What about Davis?

That seemed to take him by surprise.

JEREMY: What about Davis?
ME: I saw the way you two looked at each other during the Never Have I Ever game.
JEREMY: We're best friends. We're fond of each other. We occasionally share moments of tenderness. Don't worry--it only happens once every seventy-five years.

Knock, knock.

Jeremy opened the door, and there was Davis--shirtless.

I forgot what an amazing body he has. Jeremy didn't seem to be too taken aback. Maybe I'm making too big a deal of that look during the game.

JEREMY: Can we help you, Mr. Tatum?
DAVIS: Oh, shut up. Can I crash in your bed tonight?
JEREMY: I want you to really think about that question.
ME: What's wrong with your bed?
DAVIS: It smells weird, and it was directly under a leak in the roof. It's either been rained on or sprinkled with dead raccoon's blood.
JEREMY: It can't be any worse than what's been spilled on your bed back home?
DAVIS: Look, we're all adults. Why can't we just share a bed?
ME: Davis, what if Jeremy and I were planning to be intimate tonight?
DAVIS: Hahaha--that's a good one.

He came in and closed the door behind him. Jeremy shot me a look to say--'It's up to you.'

ME: Fine. It's not like we all haven't gotten naked together before--weird as that is to think about.
JEREMY: Davis and I never got totally naked.
DAVIS: Mostly just under the pants action.
ME: Did you two date recently or in junior high?
JEREMY: Hit the lights, smartass.

It only took about ten minutes for me to fall asleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling cold. Usually Jeremy keeps his arms around me, but not this time.

I looked over and saw Davis with his arms around Jeremy.

At first I was furious, then scared.

Does Jeremy like being the inside spoon?

Suddenly my mind was racing. Is Davis better for him than I am? Does he need to feel protected? Does he like the history they share? A history we don't...

I crept down the hall into Davis' room, and took his phone out of his coat pocket.

Then I went into the bathroom, and shut the door.

I had to make a call.

ME: Hi, is this Travis?

Something had to give--

ME: I know where your boyfriend is...

--And it sure as hell isn't going to be me.

The Golden Arches

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JEREMY: I thought you'd be here.

It's actually not that big of a surprise that he found me. I'm at the only McDonald's in Dover--and it's a Saturday night.

That makes this a swinging hotspot.

JEREMY: How are the fries tonight?

ME: Not as good as they were last night.

JEREMY: They smell good.

ME: Do you want some?

JEREMY: No, thanks. I gave up fast food after I saw Super Size Me.

ME: I never saw that.

JEREMY: It's about a guy who gains tons of weight and develops heart problems after eating nothing but McDonald's food for a month.

I pushed my fries aside.

ME: Thanks for ruining that last nugget of heaven in this otherwise hell.

JEREMY: You don't have to be here, you know.

ME: I'm trying to repent.

JEREMY: Nathan, you went a little overboard to keep a guy. We've all done it.

ME: You've faked paralysis?

JEREMY: Hey, I've had sex with Ben, haven't I?

I laughed. Jeremy has a great way of making people laugh.

Maybe that's why I'm falling for him.

ME: To be honest, I care more about you forgiving me then I do Ben forgiving me.

JEREMY: Really, why?

ME: Because I really care about you, Jeremy.

He looked down with those 'uh oh' eyes.

ME: You don't feel the same...gotcha.

JEREMY: I'm with Billy.

ME: Lucky Billy.

JEREMY: Funnily enough, none of you wanted me until I was off the market. I recall Ben being a pretty big catch, but I never was.

ME: People grow up.

JEREMY: Yeah, a little too late.

ME: I know that I picked Ben, but to be fair, so did Billy.

Jeremy stood up.

JEREMY: That was a cheap shot.

ME: Yeah, but not at you.

He leaned over and looked at me--his face softening.

JEREMY: I liked being your friend. I'd like to keep being your friend. But if you can't do that without there being some sort of chance that we'll get together, then maybe we should just forget it.

And with that, he walked away from the table.

I sat there for a second, until two dollar bills fell down on my table.

VOICE: How about you let me take care of those fries for you?

I looked up to see Jeremy--

JACKSON: Unless you have other plans.

--oh.

Well...

Here's an idea.

Live from Dover

Hi, my name is Carter.

JEREMY: Hey Carter, we're going out to get pizza.

ME: They have a pizza place here?

JEREMY: Well, technically it's in Maine, but if I go one more week without pizza, I'm going to start eating snow and speaking in tongues.

ME: I think I'll pass. I have to do some homework.

JEREMY: Homework?

ME: Yeah, just because I'm not at home doesn't mean I can't do it.

JEREMY: No, hey--that's great. I'll see you when we get back. Good luck with your homework. I think I'll go see if the Four Horsemen are here yet.

As soon as Jeremy left, I fired up my computer.

MADMAN26: Hey Carter.

I'd been chatting with Madman over the Internet since we got here, and tonight's going to be the first night I get to see him.

MADMAN26: Why don't you fire up that cam of yours?

ME: You first.

MADMAN26: Come on, I've had a rough day. I could use some entertainment.

ME: You've had a rough day? I've been stuck here in Dover.

MADMAN26: Dover, New Hampshire?

ME: Yeah.

MADMAN26: What are you doing there?

ME: Hiding out with some friends. This guy Travis is trying to find us.

MADMAN26: Sounds dangerous--that's hot.

ME: Yeah, I guess.

MADMAN26: Come on--give me a little show.

I want to say that I held out, but I guess I'm just too much of an exhibit.

After I turned on my cam, I did a few moves--nothing too crazy. I'm a gentleman after all.

MADMAN26: Where did you get that whipped cream?

ME: From my Classy Closet. That's where the feather boa came from too.

MADMAN26: Wow, they're going to love that.

ME: Who's 'they?'

MADMAN26: Everyone in Providence that has a computer.

That's when the photo of who I was really talking to popped on the screen.

LIAM: Hey there, Carter.

SETTER: That was one hell of a performance.

Maybe I should have gone for pizza after all.