Hi, my name is Jackson.
KATE: We're on air in two minutes!
All the CBQ's are lined up on Ritchie's stage.
When each of us walked out, the audience of die-hard fans went nuts. It was like we were the gay Beatles.
Even Nathan was there. Apparently he decided to join in at the last minute, although he didn't look happy about it.
He was sitting next to Ben, who was next to Jeremy, who was next to me.
On the other side of Nathan was Joey, Davis, Hank, and Billy.
Ritchie was going to be moving about the audience.
HANK: How'd the wedding go, Billy?
BILLY: My wife left me for a guy I turned straight.
ME: Which one?
BILLY: Shut up, Jackson.
HANK: That's what you get for trying to pretend you're a hetero.
DAVIS: Do I hear judgement in your tone, Hank?
HANK: Davis--
DAVIS: When you were just ripping Ritchie's clothes off--
ALL: Ewww!
HANK: Oh please, at least I didn't marry him, Ben.
BEN: What does that mean?
NATHAN: Please keep in mind that I've already shot somebody once this year, Hank.
JEREMY: Can we all try to be amicable?
JOEY: We can as soon as you explain what that means.
NATHAN: Jeremy always has to keep the peace, doesn't he?
JEREMY: Would you prefer I let my claws out like the rest of you?
HANK: The rest of us? What would you call writing that book?
ME: Back off, Hank.
HANK: Don't tell me what to do!
Before I knew it, I was rushing at Hank, but I landed on Davis, who I started punching anyway, just for good measure.
The whole thing turned into an immediate brawl, with the audience cheering us on.
We didn't even hear Kate do the countdown, or Ritchie's introduction.
RITCHIE: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome back, the CBQ's!
I think that was when I was yanking out a patch of Nathan's hair.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Pre-Show Rituals
Hi, my name is Hank.
RITCHIE: Hank, this isn't a good time.
ME: But I'm nervous. And you know how I get when I get nervous--
I hate that Ritchie and I have fallen into this sexual pattern, but I also find it intoxicating.
Ironically, I'm usually intoxicated when we do it.
I had asked to see him in my dressing room before the reunion.
RITCHIE: We have to be onstage in twenty minutes.
ME: That's fifteen minutes longer than you usually need.
RITCHIE: You bitch.
ME: Whore.
RITCHIE: Slut.
We were on the couch and slapping each other before either of us could say another word.
Then slapping led to kissing and kissing led to--
VOICE: Oh!
We both looked up to see Davis standing in the doorway--looking smug.
DAVIS: Good to see some things never change.
Hey, at least I was at a good angle.
RITCHIE: Hank, this isn't a good time.
ME: But I'm nervous. And you know how I get when I get nervous--
I hate that Ritchie and I have fallen into this sexual pattern, but I also find it intoxicating.
Ironically, I'm usually intoxicated when we do it.
I had asked to see him in my dressing room before the reunion.
RITCHIE: We have to be onstage in twenty minutes.
ME: That's fifteen minutes longer than you usually need.
RITCHIE: You bitch.
ME: Whore.
RITCHIE: Slut.
We were on the couch and slapping each other before either of us could say another word.
Then slapping led to kissing and kissing led to--
VOICE: Oh!
We both looked up to see Davis standing in the doorway--looking smug.
DAVIS: Good to see some things never change.
Hey, at least I was at a good angle.
I Don't Like Your Tone
Hi, my name is Ritchie.
ME: I have a few questions of my own, Nathan.
Leave it to the one guy who decided not to participate in the reunion to make all the trouble.
Nathan showed up at the studio the day of the big CBQ show to ask me about a check I'd written out to Bart.
NATHAN: Ask anything you want.
ME: How did you find the check?
NATHAN: Bart mailed it to me.
ME: Why would he do that?
NATHAN: I was hoping you could tell me. I was also hoping you could tell me why you wrote a check to Bart for ten thousand dollars.
ME: I'm not sure that's any of your business.
NATHAN: Considering he tried to kill all of us--
ME: And you shot him. Mr. Hero that you are. So why don't we just let all this go?
NATHAN: No can do.
Famous last words.
I took the book out of my drawer and let it fall on the desk.
ME: Stuff like this costs big money, wouldn't you say?
Nathan's mouth dropped, but he recovered fast.
NATHAN: What's that?
I laughed.
ME: That is the reason you'll be coming on the reunion today, Nathan.
And it was worth every penny.
ME: I have a few questions of my own, Nathan.
Leave it to the one guy who decided not to participate in the reunion to make all the trouble.
Nathan showed up at the studio the day of the big CBQ show to ask me about a check I'd written out to Bart.
NATHAN: Ask anything you want.
ME: How did you find the check?
NATHAN: Bart mailed it to me.
ME: Why would he do that?
NATHAN: I was hoping you could tell me. I was also hoping you could tell me why you wrote a check to Bart for ten thousand dollars.
ME: I'm not sure that's any of your business.
NATHAN: Considering he tried to kill all of us--
ME: And you shot him. Mr. Hero that you are. So why don't we just let all this go?
NATHAN: No can do.
Famous last words.
I took the book out of my drawer and let it fall on the desk.
ME: Stuff like this costs big money, wouldn't you say?
Nathan's mouth dropped, but he recovered fast.
NATHAN: What's that?
I laughed.
ME: That is the reason you'll be coming on the reunion today, Nathan.
And it was worth every penny.
If Anyone Here Objects
Hi, my name is Billy.
TOM: Are you excited?
My future brother-in-law was adjusting my tie.
ME: I'm...sweating.
TOM: That's great!
ME: Yeah. How many, uh--
TOM: Not a lot. And no CBQ's. I followed your instructions to the letter.
ME: Thank you so much. I just couldn't handle any of that today.
TOM: Relax. This is going to be the happiest day of your life.
We'll see about that.
Once the wedding got started, I did manage to calm down a little bit.
Emma walked down the aisle looking beautiful.
We read our vows.
We cried.
We laughed.
Then we got to the part I was worried about.
PRIEST: If anyone here can think of any reason...
It's okay, I told myself. Who can stop this now?
Jeremy's not here.
None of the queens are.
This is going to be just--
VOICE: Stop!
Oh no.
Everyone looked to the back of the church were the objector was standing.
CHRISTOPHER: I'm in love with this person!
Tom was standing in the third row looking confused.
I warned him about the CBQ's, but I forgot to tell him about my latest convert.
Except it seems the conversion didn't take.
I started to say something to Emma, but when I looked at her, she had tears in her eyes and she was looking right at--
EMMA: Christopher!
She ran to him, and threw herself into his arms.
They kissed, and then ran out of the church.
I was shocked.
My convert had just stolen my fiance.
Somewhere in here there was irony, but at that moment, I just felt...
...Thrilled.
TOM: Are you excited?
My future brother-in-law was adjusting my tie.
ME: I'm...sweating.
TOM: That's great!
ME: Yeah. How many, uh--
TOM: Not a lot. And no CBQ's. I followed your instructions to the letter.
ME: Thank you so much. I just couldn't handle any of that today.
TOM: Relax. This is going to be the happiest day of your life.
We'll see about that.
Once the wedding got started, I did manage to calm down a little bit.
Emma walked down the aisle looking beautiful.
We read our vows.
We cried.
We laughed.
Then we got to the part I was worried about.
PRIEST: If anyone here can think of any reason...
It's okay, I told myself. Who can stop this now?
Jeremy's not here.
None of the queens are.
This is going to be just--
VOICE: Stop!
Oh no.
Everyone looked to the back of the church were the objector was standing.
CHRISTOPHER: I'm in love with this person!
Tom was standing in the third row looking confused.
I warned him about the CBQ's, but I forgot to tell him about my latest convert.
Except it seems the conversion didn't take.
I started to say something to Emma, but when I looked at her, she had tears in her eyes and she was looking right at--
EMMA: Christopher!
She ran to him, and threw herself into his arms.
They kissed, and then ran out of the church.
I was shocked.
My convert had just stolen my fiance.
Somewhere in here there was irony, but at that moment, I just felt...
...Thrilled.
Where There's No Will
Hi, my name is Nathan.
LANDLORD: I have to admit, I didn't think anyone was going to show up for this stuff.
Richard and I were still missing the book that Bart stole from our hotel room.
If that book were to get into the wrong hands, I'd be heading to jail. That means I had to find it.
So I did a little digging, and found out where Bart was staying in Providence--a dingy little apartment on the south side.
I took Richard with me and we pretended to be grieving relatives.
The landlord looked like he was happy to have someone come clean out the place.
LANDLORD: It must be hard for you folks to have a psycho in the family.
ME: Well, now that he's dead, we're all relieved. Awful as that sounds.
RICHARD: Yes, there'll be more ham to go around at Easter.
I jabbed Richard in the side.
The landlord looked suspicious.
LANDLORD: How were you related to him?
ME: We were his--
ME/RICHARD: Cousins/Brothers.
ME: We're a very close family.
The landlord left us alone, and we promised to have the place cleaned out in a few hours.
ME: Find that book.
The place was pretty clean, which was a relief, but there wasn't any sign of a book anywhere.
But there was something on his bed that caught my eye.
ME: A check.
RICHARD: From who?
From Ritchie.
LANDLORD: I have to admit, I didn't think anyone was going to show up for this stuff.
Richard and I were still missing the book that Bart stole from our hotel room.
If that book were to get into the wrong hands, I'd be heading to jail. That means I had to find it.
So I did a little digging, and found out where Bart was staying in Providence--a dingy little apartment on the south side.
I took Richard with me and we pretended to be grieving relatives.
The landlord looked like he was happy to have someone come clean out the place.
LANDLORD: It must be hard for you folks to have a psycho in the family.
ME: Well, now that he's dead, we're all relieved. Awful as that sounds.
RICHARD: Yes, there'll be more ham to go around at Easter.
I jabbed Richard in the side.
The landlord looked suspicious.
LANDLORD: How were you related to him?
ME: We were his--
ME/RICHARD: Cousins/Brothers.
ME: We're a very close family.
The landlord left us alone, and we promised to have the place cleaned out in a few hours.
ME: Find that book.
The place was pretty clean, which was a relief, but there wasn't any sign of a book anywhere.
But there was something on his bed that caught my eye.
ME: A check.
RICHARD: From who?
From Ritchie.
Make Our Garden Grow
Hi, my name is Joey.
ME: We'd like to invite you to join our relationship.
ADAM: You're kidding right.
I told Ken that Adam wouldn't go for this, but he's a big fan, and Morgan's been talking about bringing in someone new anyway. I figured Adam wouldn't be the worst choice. It was either him or that barista in Wayland Square, who always calls me 'Sweetass.'
MORGAN: There are a lot of benefits to being in a mutli-partnered relationship.
ADAM: Like what? The fact that you don't need to invite anyone over to have a board game night?
KEN: We also have our own Book Club.
ADAM: Joey, how did you even get involved in this?
It's a long story.
Morgan met me at a bar one night, and he and Ken took me home. Then they asked if I wanted to stay, and I said sure.
Okay, I guess the story isn't as long as I thought.
ME: It's worked out really well for me.
Adam stood up.
ADAM: Okay, you're leaving with me.
ME: What?
KEN: Oh cool! Where are we going?
ADAM: You're not going anywhere, Ken. Joey and I are leaving together.
ME: I can't do that!
ADAM: Joey, I'm rich now. I can put you up in the nicest hotel in Providence until you get things straightened out. But I'm not leaving you to sit here in this gay compound.
Morgan stood up.
MORGAN: I don't care how rich you are. Chances are, I'm richer.
ADAM: But do you have a Tony?
MORGAN: I did, but he moved to San Diego.
ADAM: I hope you're joking.
KEN: No, he really liked zoos.
I had to put a stop to this.
ME: Adam, I can't leave with you. These are my boyfriends now.
KEN: And as soon as the government stops being so prejudiced and allows polygamous gay marriage, we're all going to be husbands.
ADAM: Oh, what a bright future that will be.
Morgan grabbed Adam by his shirt.
MORGAN: It's time for you to go.
ADAM: Get your hand off me!
Adam shoved Morgan. Morgan shoved back. Ken and I tried to get between them, but somehow Ken got shoved into the coffee table, and Adam landed a punch on Morgan that knocked him out.
Then he grabbed my arm.
ADAM: We're leaving.
I said 'Yes.' Only because I didn't want to be there when Morgan woke up.
ME: We'd like to invite you to join our relationship.
ADAM: You're kidding right.
I told Ken that Adam wouldn't go for this, but he's a big fan, and Morgan's been talking about bringing in someone new anyway. I figured Adam wouldn't be the worst choice. It was either him or that barista in Wayland Square, who always calls me 'Sweetass.'
MORGAN: There are a lot of benefits to being in a mutli-partnered relationship.
ADAM: Like what? The fact that you don't need to invite anyone over to have a board game night?
KEN: We also have our own Book Club.
ADAM: Joey, how did you even get involved in this?
It's a long story.
Morgan met me at a bar one night, and he and Ken took me home. Then they asked if I wanted to stay, and I said sure.
Okay, I guess the story isn't as long as I thought.
ME: It's worked out really well for me.
Adam stood up.
ADAM: Okay, you're leaving with me.
ME: What?
KEN: Oh cool! Where are we going?
ADAM: You're not going anywhere, Ken. Joey and I are leaving together.
ME: I can't do that!
ADAM: Joey, I'm rich now. I can put you up in the nicest hotel in Providence until you get things straightened out. But I'm not leaving you to sit here in this gay compound.
Morgan stood up.
MORGAN: I don't care how rich you are. Chances are, I'm richer.
ADAM: But do you have a Tony?
MORGAN: I did, but he moved to San Diego.
ADAM: I hope you're joking.
KEN: No, he really liked zoos.
I had to put a stop to this.
ME: Adam, I can't leave with you. These are my boyfriends now.
KEN: And as soon as the government stops being so prejudiced and allows polygamous gay marriage, we're all going to be husbands.
ADAM: Oh, what a bright future that will be.
Morgan grabbed Adam by his shirt.
MORGAN: It's time for you to go.
ADAM: Get your hand off me!
Adam shoved Morgan. Morgan shoved back. Ken and I tried to get between them, but somehow Ken got shoved into the coffee table, and Adam landed a punch on Morgan that knocked him out.
Then he grabbed my arm.
ADAM: We're leaving.
I said 'Yes.' Only because I didn't want to be there when Morgan woke up.
The Comeback Tour
Hi, my name is Adam.
ME: So let me get this straight--
Ben invited me to his theater to discuss the possibility of me giving him the greatest gift of all:
ME: --You want me to act here?
Myself.
BEN: We're in a tight spot financially. We could really use a bump in ticket sales. If we added you to a show currently in the season--
ME: I'll pick the show.
BEN: So you'll do it?
ME: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You haven't even spoken to my agent yet.
BEN: What's his name?
ME: How should I know? Is it always this cold in here?
BEN: Uh--
He showed me around the theater, and by the end of the tour, I'd made up my mind.
ME: I'll do it.
BEN: I assumed that when you instructed my assistant to have the dressing room painted eggshell blue.
ME: You'll thank me later.
BEN: So what show do you want to do?
ME: Jeremy pitched you his new play, didn't he?
BEN: Yeah. You want to be in that?
ME: I'd kill to do that play.
BEN: Which role are you interested?
ME: Funnily enough--
Here's where I close the deal.
ME: I'd like to play you.
The look on his face told me that this was going to be an interesting trip home.
ME: So let me get this straight--
Ben invited me to his theater to discuss the possibility of me giving him the greatest gift of all:
ME: --You want me to act here?
Myself.
BEN: We're in a tight spot financially. We could really use a bump in ticket sales. If we added you to a show currently in the season--
ME: I'll pick the show.
BEN: So you'll do it?
ME: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You haven't even spoken to my agent yet.
BEN: What's his name?
ME: How should I know? Is it always this cold in here?
BEN: Uh--
He showed me around the theater, and by the end of the tour, I'd made up my mind.
ME: I'll do it.
BEN: I assumed that when you instructed my assistant to have the dressing room painted eggshell blue.
ME: You'll thank me later.
BEN: So what show do you want to do?
ME: Jeremy pitched you his new play, didn't he?
BEN: Yeah. You want to be in that?
ME: I'd kill to do that play.
BEN: Which role are you interested?
ME: Funnily enough--
Here's where I close the deal.
ME: I'd like to play you.
The look on his face told me that this was going to be an interesting trip home.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Our Dream Looks Good on You
Hi, my name is Ben.
Knock, knock.
JEREMY: Hey.
Jeremy?
ME: Hey.
I didn't expect to see him. Certainly not at my office.
JEREMY: So this is the theater, huh?
ME: Yeah, this is it.
JEREMY: I can't believe it.
ME: Sometimes I still can't either.
JEREMY: Ben, the Artistic Director.
ME: Well, if things don't turn around, it'll be Ben the Homeless Guy.
JEREMY: Times are that tough, huh?
ME: Even during good times, it's hard keeping a theater this big up and running.
JEREMY: I can imagine. Still, this was the...you know, you and me--
ME: Yeah. I know.
Before too much nostalgia rushed in, I motioned to the seat in front of my desk.
ME: So is this about the reunion?
JEREMY: No, actually, but now that you mentioned it--
ME: I said I'd do it. Nathan doesn't want to, but I have to do anything that could be good for business, even if it is shockingly humiliating.
JEREMY: You think it'll be that bad?
ME: Ritchie's in charge.
JEREMY: Yeah, we're screwed all right.
It felt weird having Jeremy in the theater that he and I should have built together. Five years isn't that long, but when you shove so many events into it...
JEREMY: I wrote a play.
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: I wrote a play and I was wondering if maybe you'd be interested in producing it here at the theater.
ME: Uh...
JEREMY: If you think it's terrible, you don't have to do it, but if you could at least read it--
ME: To be honest, even if it is terrible, producing a work by a bestselling author would really please our subscriber base.
JEREMY: Oh, well, great. So--I'll e-mail it to you?
ME: Perfect.
We stood up. I went to shake his hand, he went for a hug, we laughed. Then we hugged.
Then there was this moment.
This "Are We Going to Kiss?" moment that happened, and then passed.
We laughed again, but it was a quieter laugh this time.
Then he moved towards the door.
But he stopped, turned around, and said--
JEREMY: By the way, thank Nathan for me. For saving my life--and you know, Jackson and Paige.
ME: Sure thing.
JEREMY: When did he become such a hero?
I smiled and shrugged, and Jeremy left, but in my mind I was thinking--
Yeah, when did that happen?
Knock, knock.
JEREMY: Hey.
Jeremy?
ME: Hey.
I didn't expect to see him. Certainly not at my office.
JEREMY: So this is the theater, huh?
ME: Yeah, this is it.
JEREMY: I can't believe it.
ME: Sometimes I still can't either.
JEREMY: Ben, the Artistic Director.
ME: Well, if things don't turn around, it'll be Ben the Homeless Guy.
JEREMY: Times are that tough, huh?
ME: Even during good times, it's hard keeping a theater this big up and running.
JEREMY: I can imagine. Still, this was the...you know, you and me--
ME: Yeah. I know.
Before too much nostalgia rushed in, I motioned to the seat in front of my desk.
ME: So is this about the reunion?
JEREMY: No, actually, but now that you mentioned it--
ME: I said I'd do it. Nathan doesn't want to, but I have to do anything that could be good for business, even if it is shockingly humiliating.
JEREMY: You think it'll be that bad?
ME: Ritchie's in charge.
JEREMY: Yeah, we're screwed all right.
It felt weird having Jeremy in the theater that he and I should have built together. Five years isn't that long, but when you shove so many events into it...
JEREMY: I wrote a play.
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: I wrote a play and I was wondering if maybe you'd be interested in producing it here at the theater.
ME: Uh...
JEREMY: If you think it's terrible, you don't have to do it, but if you could at least read it--
ME: To be honest, even if it is terrible, producing a work by a bestselling author would really please our subscriber base.
JEREMY: Oh, well, great. So--I'll e-mail it to you?
ME: Perfect.
We stood up. I went to shake his hand, he went for a hug, we laughed. Then we hugged.
Then there was this moment.
This "Are We Going to Kiss?" moment that happened, and then passed.
We laughed again, but it was a quieter laugh this time.
Then he moved towards the door.
But he stopped, turned around, and said--
JEREMY: By the way, thank Nathan for me. For saving my life--and you know, Jackson and Paige.
ME: Sure thing.
JEREMY: When did he become such a hero?
I smiled and shrugged, and Jeremy left, but in my mind I was thinking--
Yeah, when did that happen?
I'm the Mary
Hi, my name is Davis.
JEREMY: You couldn't afford something ritzier than the Cheesecake Factory?
ME: I like to eat with the common people.
JEREMY: Then shouldn't we be at Uno's?
ME: Common people with taste--and money.
This was the first time Jeremy and I had been alone since he'd come back to town.
ME: I notice you keep pushing back this trip.
JEREMY: The family has agreed to do the reunion on Ritchie's show.
ME: So you're their Robert Redford?
JEREMY: You mean Al Pacino. Robert Redford wasn't in The Godfather.
ME: I thought we were talking about Risky Business.
JEREMY: In which case, what you said made even less sense.
God, I missed our witty banter.
ME: So there's no chance that this extended stay will get any longer?
JEREMY: I keep saying 'No,' and then...things come up.
ME: What kind of things?
JEREMY: Adam deciding that he likes being a local celebrity. My siblings deciding we need to repair our broken relationships--
ME: Billy getting married?
JEREMY: I'm staying far away from that.
ME: That's usually what you say right before you find yourself involved in whatever it is you're staying away from.
JEREMY: I'll move to Kenya before I tango with Straight Billy and His Beard.
ME: I hear it's lovely there this time of year.
Then he brought up the sorest of subjects.
JEREMY: I'm sorry I missed your wedding.
ME: We didn't have a wedding.
JEREMY: Why not?
ME: My inauguration was our wedding.
JEREMY: So now bouquet? No cake? No Dexy's Midnight Runner's cover band?
ME: Liam and I are both very work-oriented.
JEREMY: So you haven't had sex recently?
ME: It's been years.
I hate that he knows me so well.
JEREMY: Maybe you should do something about that.
ME: Oh, trust me, I--
Then I saw a look in his eyes that I don't think I've ever seen before--
A mischievous sort of--
VOICE: Excuse me?
I turned around to see someone holding a pen and a napkin.
RANDOM GIRL: Could I get both of your autographs?
I turned back to Jeremy.
ME: Has this been happening a lot to you lately?
JEREMY: Wait until the reunion airs. We may all have to move to New York.
And, I swear, I could feel his hand slightly graze my knee underneath the table.
JEREMY: You couldn't afford something ritzier than the Cheesecake Factory?
ME: I like to eat with the common people.
JEREMY: Then shouldn't we be at Uno's?
ME: Common people with taste--and money.
This was the first time Jeremy and I had been alone since he'd come back to town.
ME: I notice you keep pushing back this trip.
JEREMY: The family has agreed to do the reunion on Ritchie's show.
ME: So you're their Robert Redford?
JEREMY: You mean Al Pacino. Robert Redford wasn't in The Godfather.
ME: I thought we were talking about Risky Business.
JEREMY: In which case, what you said made even less sense.
God, I missed our witty banter.
ME: So there's no chance that this extended stay will get any longer?
JEREMY: I keep saying 'No,' and then...things come up.
ME: What kind of things?
JEREMY: Adam deciding that he likes being a local celebrity. My siblings deciding we need to repair our broken relationships--
ME: Billy getting married?
JEREMY: I'm staying far away from that.
ME: That's usually what you say right before you find yourself involved in whatever it is you're staying away from.
JEREMY: I'll move to Kenya before I tango with Straight Billy and His Beard.
ME: I hear it's lovely there this time of year.
Then he brought up the sorest of subjects.
JEREMY: I'm sorry I missed your wedding.
ME: We didn't have a wedding.
JEREMY: Why not?
ME: My inauguration was our wedding.
JEREMY: So now bouquet? No cake? No Dexy's Midnight Runner's cover band?
ME: Liam and I are both very work-oriented.
JEREMY: So you haven't had sex recently?
ME: It's been years.
I hate that he knows me so well.
JEREMY: Maybe you should do something about that.
ME: Oh, trust me, I--
Then I saw a look in his eyes that I don't think I've ever seen before--
A mischievous sort of--
VOICE: Excuse me?
I turned around to see someone holding a pen and a napkin.
RANDOM GIRL: Could I get both of your autographs?
I turned back to Jeremy.
ME: Has this been happening a lot to you lately?
JEREMY: Wait until the reunion airs. We may all have to move to New York.
And, I swear, I could feel his hand slightly graze my knee underneath the table.
Monday, February 20, 2012
That Old Homosexual Magic
Hi, my name is Jeremy.
BILLY: If this is about another hostage situation, tell the guy to kill everyone.
JEREMY: Actually, I just wanted to talk.
When I contacted Ritchie to tell him that Jackson, Paige, Adam, and I were all in for the reunion, I asked him where Billy worked now.
RITCHIE: The Center for New Thinking on Sin.
ME: You're kidding, right?
RITCHIE: I wish.
The place was in the middle of the mall.
Because apparently if you're looking for gays to convert, that's the place to go.
I know after I go on a J.Crew shopping spree, I usually want to become a straight guy.
BILLY: You shouldn't be here.
ME: Billy, I just--I feel bad about how, you know, I left.
BILLY: Whatever. It's in the past.
ME: It seems like you can't leave anything in the past anymore.
He considered this.
BILLY: Have a seat. I'll tell my boss we're having a consultation.
ME: Is there going to be make-up? Because I could use some concealer.
BILLY: There's that old charm I remember so well.
While he was gone I looked at some of his pamphlets about "conversion."
I've read Stephen King novels that weren't as scary.
When he came back, I was holding one called "How Sure Are You?"
BILLY: That's our most popular--
ME: --Piece of propaganda?
BILLY: If you're going to make fun--
ME: I'm sorry. It's just...How did this happen?
BILLY: What do you care? We had a movie night and then you took off.
ME: You know it wasn't that simple.
BILLY: No, actually, I don't. What happened?
Look out!
ME: It was, uh--
BILLY: Nothing got settled. It was during the whole Paige adoption thing. Your mother was missing. Your father--
ME: I know.
BILLY: How could you just leave in the middle of all that?
ME: It's like...Okay, here's the thing. For awhile, when I was helping write the CBQ tv show, I'd find myself backed into corners of my own making. Like, I'd write a story with these great problems and then not know how to get out of it. I'm great with problems, but I'm terrible with solutions. That's why I'm not a very good writer.
BILLY: You're a great writer.
ME: No, I'm okay. Great writers have solutions.
BILLY: So what would you do? When you backed yourself into these corners?
ME: Well, there are tricks. The easiest one is to just jump ahead a year or two in time, and work backwards.
BILLY: That sounds more difficult.
ME: You'd be surprised how much time can work out.
I put my hand on his hand. He looked down at it with, I swear, this sort of...yearning?
But then he pulled away.
BILLY: You should go now.
ME: You can't get married.
BILLY: I can do whatever I want, Jeremy. And I'm marrying Emma.
ME: Isn't it bad luck to have a wedding in this state? We never got through them when I was here.
BILLY: Things change.
ME: I guess they do.
I took a pamphlet for when I would walk by Billy's boss.
Then I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
ME: Don't assume I haven't changed while I've been gone.
From the look in his eyes when I pulled away, I could tell he wasn't sure what I meant by that.
But some things should stay a mystery--
--Until they're ready to be revealed.
BILLY: If this is about another hostage situation, tell the guy to kill everyone.
JEREMY: Actually, I just wanted to talk.
When I contacted Ritchie to tell him that Jackson, Paige, Adam, and I were all in for the reunion, I asked him where Billy worked now.
RITCHIE: The Center for New Thinking on Sin.
ME: You're kidding, right?
RITCHIE: I wish.
The place was in the middle of the mall.
Because apparently if you're looking for gays to convert, that's the place to go.
I know after I go on a J.Crew shopping spree, I usually want to become a straight guy.
BILLY: You shouldn't be here.
ME: Billy, I just--I feel bad about how, you know, I left.
BILLY: Whatever. It's in the past.
ME: It seems like you can't leave anything in the past anymore.
He considered this.
BILLY: Have a seat. I'll tell my boss we're having a consultation.
ME: Is there going to be make-up? Because I could use some concealer.
BILLY: There's that old charm I remember so well.
While he was gone I looked at some of his pamphlets about "conversion."
I've read Stephen King novels that weren't as scary.
When he came back, I was holding one called "How Sure Are You?"
BILLY: That's our most popular--
ME: --Piece of propaganda?
BILLY: If you're going to make fun--
ME: I'm sorry. It's just...How did this happen?
BILLY: What do you care? We had a movie night and then you took off.
ME: You know it wasn't that simple.
BILLY: No, actually, I don't. What happened?
Look out!
ME: It was, uh--
BILLY: Nothing got settled. It was during the whole Paige adoption thing. Your mother was missing. Your father--
ME: I know.
BILLY: How could you just leave in the middle of all that?
ME: It's like...Okay, here's the thing. For awhile, when I was helping write the CBQ tv show, I'd find myself backed into corners of my own making. Like, I'd write a story with these great problems and then not know how to get out of it. I'm great with problems, but I'm terrible with solutions. That's why I'm not a very good writer.
BILLY: You're a great writer.
ME: No, I'm okay. Great writers have solutions.
BILLY: So what would you do? When you backed yourself into these corners?
ME: Well, there are tricks. The easiest one is to just jump ahead a year or two in time, and work backwards.
BILLY: That sounds more difficult.
ME: You'd be surprised how much time can work out.
I put my hand on his hand. He looked down at it with, I swear, this sort of...yearning?
But then he pulled away.
BILLY: You should go now.
ME: You can't get married.
BILLY: I can do whatever I want, Jeremy. And I'm marrying Emma.
ME: Isn't it bad luck to have a wedding in this state? We never got through them when I was here.
BILLY: Things change.
ME: I guess they do.
I took a pamphlet for when I would walk by Billy's boss.
Then I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
ME: Don't assume I haven't changed while I've been gone.
From the look in his eyes when I pulled away, I could tell he wasn't sure what I meant by that.
But some things should stay a mystery--
--Until they're ready to be revealed.
The Gays Have It
Hi, my name is Jackson.
PAIGE: I think it's a great idea.
ME and JEREMY: You would.
Hank came over and told us about Ritchie's reunion idea.
ADAM: Why not? It'll help sell your next book, Jeremy.
JEREMY: I don't need help selling a book.
ME: Especially since we've all been on CNN since the hostage situation.
PAIGE: I thought we weren't going to talk about that anymore?
Paige has been taking the whole thing pretty hard.
I guess gays are just more resilient when it comes to being tied up.
We were all sitting down for our first family meal in years.
Jeremy had postponed his stay because of Paige, but tomorrow was his last day here.
I had mixed feelings about it.
Our relationship has been strained, but he's still my brother.
JEREMY: Jackson, that shirt makes you look like you have a third nipple instead of a belly button.
Then again...
JEREMY: And we're not doing this reunion. None of us.
ME: Whoa, you can't just declare something like that.
HANK: Yeah, in case it slipped your mind, you've been missing for five years.
JEREMY: I wasn't on a deserted island. I was in upstate New York.
ADAM: As if anybody knows where that is. I'm from the city and I don't even know where it is.
PAIGE: I wish you'd stay.
JEREMY: Paige, we talked about this.
ME: If he wants to go, let him go, but the rest of us are doing the reunion.
JEREMY: No, we're not.
I stood up.
ME: Yes, we are.
He stood up.
JEREMY: No, you're not.
Adam stood up.
ADAM: I--would like more chicken.
HANK: I would too.
PAIGE: I want to hear the fight.
HANK: Paige!
PAIGE: Ugh, fine.
They left us alone.
ME: If you want to have a say in what this family does, you have to stay a part of it. Not go rushing back to whatever it is you were doing while you were gone.
JEREMY: When I'm here, bad stuff happens.
ME: In case you haven't noticed, bad stuff seems to happen regardless of if you're here or not.
JEREMY: But I can't live my life with this much drama anymore.
ME: Maybe that's the price you have to pay for being close to your brother and sister. Everybody come back in!
Once they were in, I made my own declaration.
ME: We put it to a vote. Majority rules. Do we do the reunion?
To my surprise, everybody's hand went up.
Even Jeremy's.
JEREMY: Looks like I'm staying a little longer than I thought.
Now let's hope he's wrong about bringing about disaster.
At least we're all in front of the cameras.
PAIGE: I think it's a great idea.
ME and JEREMY: You would.
Hank came over and told us about Ritchie's reunion idea.
ADAM: Why not? It'll help sell your next book, Jeremy.
JEREMY: I don't need help selling a book.
ME: Especially since we've all been on CNN since the hostage situation.
PAIGE: I thought we weren't going to talk about that anymore?
Paige has been taking the whole thing pretty hard.
I guess gays are just more resilient when it comes to being tied up.
We were all sitting down for our first family meal in years.
Jeremy had postponed his stay because of Paige, but tomorrow was his last day here.
I had mixed feelings about it.
Our relationship has been strained, but he's still my brother.
JEREMY: Jackson, that shirt makes you look like you have a third nipple instead of a belly button.
Then again...
JEREMY: And we're not doing this reunion. None of us.
ME: Whoa, you can't just declare something like that.
HANK: Yeah, in case it slipped your mind, you've been missing for five years.
JEREMY: I wasn't on a deserted island. I was in upstate New York.
ADAM: As if anybody knows where that is. I'm from the city and I don't even know where it is.
PAIGE: I wish you'd stay.
JEREMY: Paige, we talked about this.
ME: If he wants to go, let him go, but the rest of us are doing the reunion.
JEREMY: No, we're not.
I stood up.
ME: Yes, we are.
He stood up.
JEREMY: No, you're not.
Adam stood up.
ADAM: I--would like more chicken.
HANK: I would too.
PAIGE: I want to hear the fight.
HANK: Paige!
PAIGE: Ugh, fine.
They left us alone.
ME: If you want to have a say in what this family does, you have to stay a part of it. Not go rushing back to whatever it is you were doing while you were gone.
JEREMY: When I'm here, bad stuff happens.
ME: In case you haven't noticed, bad stuff seems to happen regardless of if you're here or not.
JEREMY: But I can't live my life with this much drama anymore.
ME: Maybe that's the price you have to pay for being close to your brother and sister. Everybody come back in!
Once they were in, I made my own declaration.
ME: We put it to a vote. Majority rules. Do we do the reunion?
To my surprise, everybody's hand went up.
Even Jeremy's.
JEREMY: Looks like I'm staying a little longer than I thought.
Now let's hope he's wrong about bringing about disaster.
At least we're all in front of the cameras.
Old Methods Die Hard
Hi, my name is Hank.
ME: Absolutely not.
Ritchie just pitched his "reunion" idea to me.
ME: I'd rather have my ass shaved on live television.
RITCHIE: We can do that next month. I'm doing a special on man-scaping.
ME: Detecting sarcasm was never your strong suit, was it, Ritchie?
We were in my office, and I was hoping we could wrap up our little meeting so I could get home and begin my nightly drinking.
Ritchie already tried throwing money at me, but I do well enough. If I went on some lousy reunion show I might as well invite my students to view a sex tape of me with a blow-up doll. None of them would ever take me seriously again.
RITCHIE: Maybe I have something else I could offer you.
He shut the door to my office, and ripped off his pants.
ME: Are you kidding me?
RITCHIE: I always wear stripper pants and briefs, because you just never know.
ME: Aren't you the spokesperson for Petite Briefs?
RITCHEI: And their slogan is--'Because You Just Never Know.'
ME: I can't tell if I'm more embarrassed than you or--
RITCHIE: Why don't we have a little fun and then you can tell me if you care about your sterling reputation?
ME: What makes you think I would go for this?
RITCHIE: Because you're always the bitchiest when you haven't had sex for awhile, and judging from how much of that undetected sarcasm you've been laying on me, I'd say you're about to explode. You do the reunion, and I'll make you explode--twice.
I'd love to say I turned down his offer.
...I'd really love to say that.
All I'll say is...I'm not feeling so bitchy anymore.
And I could use a new desk.
ME: Absolutely not.
Ritchie just pitched his "reunion" idea to me.
ME: I'd rather have my ass shaved on live television.
RITCHIE: We can do that next month. I'm doing a special on man-scaping.
ME: Detecting sarcasm was never your strong suit, was it, Ritchie?
We were in my office, and I was hoping we could wrap up our little meeting so I could get home and begin my nightly drinking.
Ritchie already tried throwing money at me, but I do well enough. If I went on some lousy reunion show I might as well invite my students to view a sex tape of me with a blow-up doll. None of them would ever take me seriously again.
RITCHIE: Maybe I have something else I could offer you.
He shut the door to my office, and ripped off his pants.
ME: Are you kidding me?
RITCHIE: I always wear stripper pants and briefs, because you just never know.
ME: Aren't you the spokesperson for Petite Briefs?
RITCHEI: And their slogan is--'Because You Just Never Know.'
ME: I can't tell if I'm more embarrassed than you or--
RITCHIE: Why don't we have a little fun and then you can tell me if you care about your sterling reputation?
ME: What makes you think I would go for this?
RITCHIE: Because you're always the bitchiest when you haven't had sex for awhile, and judging from how much of that undetected sarcasm you've been laying on me, I'd say you're about to explode. You do the reunion, and I'll make you explode--twice.
I'd love to say I turned down his offer.
...I'd really love to say that.
All I'll say is...I'm not feeling so bitchy anymore.
And I could use a new desk.
Stunts for Sweeps
Hi, my name is Ritchie.
BILLY: You're not filming the wedding.
ME: What about just the bachelor party? There will be closeted gay sex happening, right?
I convinced Billy to meet me at the tv studio.
It wasn't easy either.
BILLY: And to think I bought the 'I still have your wallet from when we were stuck in a hostage crisis together' story.
ME: Well I did!
BILLY: And how did that happen?
ME: I stole it from you. I figured it might come in handy.
BILLY: Did you actually think I was going to agree with this.
ME: No, but...
I pulled out my mock poster.
ME: I thought you might agree to this.
BILLY: ARE YOU INSANE?
The poster read--CBQ REUNION!!!
BILLY: Haven't we spent enough time together for the next decade?
ME: It would be a ratings juggernaut. I bet we could beat Ellen.
BILLY: It's not happening, Ritchie. I'm getting married to a woman. I don't want anymore footage of me rehashing my past.
ME: I bet I can change my mind.
BILLY: Great. What are you going to blackmail me with?
ME: Please! Blackmail is for the poor.
I pulled the check out of my desk.
ME: I talk money.
I slid the check across the desk.
BILLY: I'm telling you there's no way I--
He saw the amount.
BILLY: Is this for real?
I smiled.
See?
Everyone loves a reunion.
BILLY: You're not filming the wedding.
ME: What about just the bachelor party? There will be closeted gay sex happening, right?
I convinced Billy to meet me at the tv studio.
It wasn't easy either.
BILLY: And to think I bought the 'I still have your wallet from when we were stuck in a hostage crisis together' story.
ME: Well I did!
BILLY: And how did that happen?
ME: I stole it from you. I figured it might come in handy.
BILLY: Did you actually think I was going to agree with this.
ME: No, but...
I pulled out my mock poster.
ME: I thought you might agree to this.
BILLY: ARE YOU INSANE?
The poster read--CBQ REUNION!!!
BILLY: Haven't we spent enough time together for the next decade?
ME: It would be a ratings juggernaut. I bet we could beat Ellen.
BILLY: It's not happening, Ritchie. I'm getting married to a woman. I don't want anymore footage of me rehashing my past.
ME: I bet I can change my mind.
BILLY: Great. What are you going to blackmail me with?
ME: Please! Blackmail is for the poor.
I pulled the check out of my desk.
ME: I talk money.
I slid the check across the desk.
BILLY: I'm telling you there's no way I--
He saw the amount.
BILLY: Is this for real?
I smiled.
See?
Everyone loves a reunion.
Just Don't Serve Cocktail Wieners
Hi, my name is Billy.
NATHAN: So let me get this straight...
I know what you're thinking.
NATHAN: You want me to cater your wedding?
Believe me, this wasn't my idea.
Emma wants to have the best of everything for our wedding, and Nathan has a reputation for being the best caterer in the state.
EMMA: You have to do it. I won't settle for anyone else.
NATHAN: Well, I guess we could--
EMMA: Plus, you're the only gay man in town who hasn't slept with my fiance.
She laughed to try and dull the sharpness of that, but there was a hint of hysteria within the joy. She still hasn't completely gotten over finding out that I was the inspiration for one of the CBQ characters.
I guess it would be difficult to know that your soon-to-be husband was once half of the gay equivalent of Ross and Rachel.
NATHAN: Well, I'll have Richard take down your dates, and we'll give you the meal of your dreams.
EMMA: I'm so thrilled. This will be so much easier than importing the food from Boston like we were planning.
NATHAN: I'm sorry--what?
EMMA: There's this adorable little restaurant outside Boston that my family just loves, but I'm sure your food will be just as good.
NATHAN: What restaurant would that be?
EMMA: Oh, I don't want to tell you. You'd just be intimidated.
There was that laugh again.
I noticed Nathan wasn't laughing.
NATHAN: You know, food at a wedding is becoming...passe.
ME: Aren't you a caterer?
NATHAN: I have a lot of self-loathing.
Believe me, I know the feeling.
NATHAN: So let me get this straight...
I know what you're thinking.
NATHAN: You want me to cater your wedding?
Believe me, this wasn't my idea.
Emma wants to have the best of everything for our wedding, and Nathan has a reputation for being the best caterer in the state.
EMMA: You have to do it. I won't settle for anyone else.
NATHAN: Well, I guess we could--
EMMA: Plus, you're the only gay man in town who hasn't slept with my fiance.
She laughed to try and dull the sharpness of that, but there was a hint of hysteria within the joy. She still hasn't completely gotten over finding out that I was the inspiration for one of the CBQ characters.
I guess it would be difficult to know that your soon-to-be husband was once half of the gay equivalent of Ross and Rachel.
NATHAN: Well, I'll have Richard take down your dates, and we'll give you the meal of your dreams.
EMMA: I'm so thrilled. This will be so much easier than importing the food from Boston like we were planning.
NATHAN: I'm sorry--what?
EMMA: There's this adorable little restaurant outside Boston that my family just loves, but I'm sure your food will be just as good.
NATHAN: What restaurant would that be?
EMMA: Oh, I don't want to tell you. You'd just be intimidated.
There was that laugh again.
I noticed Nathan wasn't laughing.
NATHAN: You know, food at a wedding is becoming...passe.
ME: Aren't you a caterer?
NATHAN: I have a lot of self-loathing.
Believe me, I know the feeling.
Unnecessary Inquiries
Hi, my name is Nathan.
RICHARD: Someone's here to see you.
I was at the office I use for my "catering" company. We don't get a lot of unexpected business, mainly because we don't advertise or solicit customers in any way.
This being Rhode Island, however, people want anything that anyone has no interest in giving them, so believe it or not, we do quite well.
Not as well as our real business, however.
Not even close.
ME: Tell him I'm busy today. He'll have to get puffed pastry somewhere else.
VOICE: Actually, I've already eaten.
I looked up to see Paul, the hostage negotiator.
We didn't interact much during the Prisms incident, but I've seen a lot of him on television lately.
ME: Richard, why don't you take a break.
RICHARD: Sounds good.
ME: And close the door on your way out.
RICHARD: Always do.
I wasn't sure what sort of meeting this was going to be, but I was sure that whatever it was, it wasn't going to be something I'd want to lead anywhere outside of this office.
ME: So, how can I help you?
PAUL: I had some questions about what happened on the parking garage.
ME: Well then, you should talk to the police. They have the report.
PAUL: Actually--
He dumped a folder on my desk.
PAUL: --I have the report. I've been assigned the case.
ME: But you're a hostage negotiator.
PAUL: And an investigator. I just transferred to Providence. Clearing up the--
ME: Everything's clear. Bart's gone. End of story. Nice of you to drop by and check on me though.
PAUL: Actually, the case is still open.
ME: Why is that?
PAUL: We have no motive.
ME: He was insane. Isn't that motive enough?
PAUL: I meant for you.
Uh oh.
ME: Excuse me?
PAUL: Why did you feel compelled to take it upon yourself to shoot him?
ME: Take it upon myself? I was saving the lives of my friends.
PAUL: I didn't know you were so friendly with Jeremy and Jackson and--
ME: We have history.
PAUL: I'll say. I watched the CBQ show.
Oh great--a fan.
ME: Despite what differences you may have seen on the show, which, by the way, were mainly fictionalized by Jeremy, I still don't want to see anybody thrown off a roof by a madman.
PAUL: And do you always carry a gun on you.
ME: Catering is a dangerous business.
PAUL: Yes, but it's not the most dangerous--or the oldest, for that matter.
What the--
PAUL: Anyway, I just wanted to pop by. Funny thing though--a catering business with no kitchens in the office?
That's because we buy all our food from a gourmet restaurant outside Boston and import it to any Rhode Island affairs.
ME: We're all about the element of surprise.
PAUL: I bet you are. I look forward to us chatting again.
He smiled and left the office.
It looks like I have one more loose end to clear up.
RICHARD: Someone's here to see you.
I was at the office I use for my "catering" company. We don't get a lot of unexpected business, mainly because we don't advertise or solicit customers in any way.
This being Rhode Island, however, people want anything that anyone has no interest in giving them, so believe it or not, we do quite well.
Not as well as our real business, however.
Not even close.
ME: Tell him I'm busy today. He'll have to get puffed pastry somewhere else.
VOICE: Actually, I've already eaten.
I looked up to see Paul, the hostage negotiator.
We didn't interact much during the Prisms incident, but I've seen a lot of him on television lately.
ME: Richard, why don't you take a break.
RICHARD: Sounds good.
ME: And close the door on your way out.
RICHARD: Always do.
I wasn't sure what sort of meeting this was going to be, but I was sure that whatever it was, it wasn't going to be something I'd want to lead anywhere outside of this office.
ME: So, how can I help you?
PAUL: I had some questions about what happened on the parking garage.
ME: Well then, you should talk to the police. They have the report.
PAUL: Actually--
He dumped a folder on my desk.
PAUL: --I have the report. I've been assigned the case.
ME: But you're a hostage negotiator.
PAUL: And an investigator. I just transferred to Providence. Clearing up the--
ME: Everything's clear. Bart's gone. End of story. Nice of you to drop by and check on me though.
PAUL: Actually, the case is still open.
ME: Why is that?
PAUL: We have no motive.
ME: He was insane. Isn't that motive enough?
PAUL: I meant for you.
Uh oh.
ME: Excuse me?
PAUL: Why did you feel compelled to take it upon yourself to shoot him?
ME: Take it upon myself? I was saving the lives of my friends.
PAUL: I didn't know you were so friendly with Jeremy and Jackson and--
ME: We have history.
PAUL: I'll say. I watched the CBQ show.
Oh great--a fan.
ME: Despite what differences you may have seen on the show, which, by the way, were mainly fictionalized by Jeremy, I still don't want to see anybody thrown off a roof by a madman.
PAUL: And do you always carry a gun on you.
ME: Catering is a dangerous business.
PAUL: Yes, but it's not the most dangerous--or the oldest, for that matter.
What the--
PAUL: Anyway, I just wanted to pop by. Funny thing though--a catering business with no kitchens in the office?
That's because we buy all our food from a gourmet restaurant outside Boston and import it to any Rhode Island affairs.
ME: We're all about the element of surprise.
PAUL: I bet you are. I look forward to us chatting again.
He smiled and left the office.
It looks like I have one more loose end to clear up.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
And One More For the Road
Hi, my name is Joey.
Knock, knock.
MORGAN: If that's another one of those queens trying to kidnap you again, I want you to punch them in the face!
KEN: But tell them I said Hi first.
My husbands now have very different ideas about the CBQ's.
Morgan has chosen to believe that I was taken against my will by the guys, because that's what I told him so he wouldn't kill me.
Ken has become a fan.
He's on Season Four of the television show.
KEN: Oh my God! Penny isn't Jason and Jim's sister?
Wait until he finds out that Nick is her brother.
Knock, knock.
When I opened the door, Ritchie was standing there with a camera crew.
I'm starting to wonder if cameras are just surgically attached to him now.
RITCHIE: Joey! What a surprise!
ME: You're at my apartment.
RITCHIE: Oh, you old so-and-so. Always the kidder.
Ritchie and the cameras pushed their way into the apartment.
They didn't have to try too hard. I am kind of a push-over after all.
MORGAN: WHAT IS THIS?
KEN: Hey Ritchie! I'm so glad you came back in Season Two.
RITCHIE: You're watching the series?
KEN: I'm obsessed!
RITCHIE: That's so sweet! And that's exactly why I'm here.
MORGAN: I'm calling the police.
RITCHIE: Please do, I could use the publicity. Hahaha no, but go ahead. Ask for Officer Kent, he knows me very, very well.
ME: What do you want, Ritchie?
Ritchie smiled that smile that lets me know I'm about to get dragged to the mall nearly unconscious while a crazy guy threatens to throw people off the roof of a parking garage.
RITCHIE: I want a reunion show.
Uh oh.
KEN: Yay!
Morgan shot me a look that let me know this was not a show I was going to be appearing on.
But Morgan's never tussled with Ritchie before.
I wonder who'll kill who first.
Knock, knock.
MORGAN: If that's another one of those queens trying to kidnap you again, I want you to punch them in the face!
KEN: But tell them I said Hi first.
My husbands now have very different ideas about the CBQ's.
Morgan has chosen to believe that I was taken against my will by the guys, because that's what I told him so he wouldn't kill me.
Ken has become a fan.
He's on Season Four of the television show.
KEN: Oh my God! Penny isn't Jason and Jim's sister?
Wait until he finds out that Nick is her brother.
Knock, knock.
When I opened the door, Ritchie was standing there with a camera crew.
I'm starting to wonder if cameras are just surgically attached to him now.
RITCHIE: Joey! What a surprise!
ME: You're at my apartment.
RITCHIE: Oh, you old so-and-so. Always the kidder.
Ritchie and the cameras pushed their way into the apartment.
They didn't have to try too hard. I am kind of a push-over after all.
MORGAN: WHAT IS THIS?
KEN: Hey Ritchie! I'm so glad you came back in Season Two.
RITCHIE: You're watching the series?
KEN: I'm obsessed!
RITCHIE: That's so sweet! And that's exactly why I'm here.
MORGAN: I'm calling the police.
RITCHIE: Please do, I could use the publicity. Hahaha no, but go ahead. Ask for Officer Kent, he knows me very, very well.
ME: What do you want, Ritchie?
Ritchie smiled that smile that lets me know I'm about to get dragged to the mall nearly unconscious while a crazy guy threatens to throw people off the roof of a parking garage.
RITCHIE: I want a reunion show.
Uh oh.
KEN: Yay!
Morgan shot me a look that let me know this was not a show I was going to be appearing on.
But Morgan's never tussled with Ritchie before.
I wonder who'll kill who first.
Monday, February 13, 2012
The One-Eyed Man
Hi, my name is Adam.
JEREMY: I don't know if I feel comfortable being out right now.
ME: How do you think I feel? I'm the actual celebrity here.
Jeremy and I went out for our last night in Providence. Since Prisms wasn't an option, we went to this new place called Grapevine.
ME: You can always tell what city you're in by how tacky the bar names are.
JEREMY: At least we didn't wind up at Oregano.
ME: Or Hangnail.
Everybody kept looking at us while we were sitting at the bar. The only way I allow that is if the person doing the staring eventually gives me his phone number.
ME: Thank God we don't live here. I couldn't take all this notoriety.
JEREMY: I thought you loved notoriety?
ME: No, I love fame. There's a difference.
JEREMY: What's the difference?
ME: It's whatever differentiates Kate Winslet from any Bravo reality star.
JEREMY: By the way, Logo called. They want us to be on the A-List Providence.
ME: REALLY?
JEREMY: No.
ME: You're cruel.
Finally, one of the starers came over.
ME: If he asks why my hair looked awful on the news, I'm going to punch him. I was in an explosion for--
GUY: I'm sorry to do this, but I am such a fan.
Fan?
He said 'fan?'
GUY: I love the CBQ's. Like, I'm obsessed with them, and to see you two guys here is just--Oh my God, I can't believe you're in Providence! This is amazing!
The guy was gushing. And I haven't seen that since Thanksgiving weekend in Brooklyn.
GUY: Can I go get my friends? They'd love to meet you guys.
I looked over to where his friends were sitting, and there wasn't a bad-looking one in the bunch.
He went off to get them, and I noticed Jeremy giving me a look.
ME: What?
JEREMY: Don't get used to this.
ME: Used to what?
JEREMY: Being the toast of the town. We're going back to New York. You can be fancy and famous there.
ME: But nobody in New York's impressed by me! I'd have to actually do something for people there to care about who I am.
JEREMY: You're a Broadway star!
ME: Yeah, and how far do you think that gets you when Boyd Gaines is sitting at the next table over?
JEREMY: Let's get one thing straight, I'm going home bright and early tomorrow morning with or without you.
ME: Oh, stop. You know I'm going with you.
...Tomorrow.
But as for tonight...
Who says I can't leave town with a bang?
JEREMY: I don't know if I feel comfortable being out right now.
ME: How do you think I feel? I'm the actual celebrity here.
Jeremy and I went out for our last night in Providence. Since Prisms wasn't an option, we went to this new place called Grapevine.
ME: You can always tell what city you're in by how tacky the bar names are.
JEREMY: At least we didn't wind up at Oregano.
ME: Or Hangnail.
Everybody kept looking at us while we were sitting at the bar. The only way I allow that is if the person doing the staring eventually gives me his phone number.
ME: Thank God we don't live here. I couldn't take all this notoriety.
JEREMY: I thought you loved notoriety?
ME: No, I love fame. There's a difference.
JEREMY: What's the difference?
ME: It's whatever differentiates Kate Winslet from any Bravo reality star.
JEREMY: By the way, Logo called. They want us to be on the A-List Providence.
ME: REALLY?
JEREMY: No.
ME: You're cruel.
Finally, one of the starers came over.
ME: If he asks why my hair looked awful on the news, I'm going to punch him. I was in an explosion for--
GUY: I'm sorry to do this, but I am such a fan.
Fan?
He said 'fan?'
GUY: I love the CBQ's. Like, I'm obsessed with them, and to see you two guys here is just--Oh my God, I can't believe you're in Providence! This is amazing!
The guy was gushing. And I haven't seen that since Thanksgiving weekend in Brooklyn.
GUY: Can I go get my friends? They'd love to meet you guys.
I looked over to where his friends were sitting, and there wasn't a bad-looking one in the bunch.
He went off to get them, and I noticed Jeremy giving me a look.
ME: What?
JEREMY: Don't get used to this.
ME: Used to what?
JEREMY: Being the toast of the town. We're going back to New York. You can be fancy and famous there.
ME: But nobody in New York's impressed by me! I'd have to actually do something for people there to care about who I am.
JEREMY: You're a Broadway star!
ME: Yeah, and how far do you think that gets you when Boyd Gaines is sitting at the next table over?
JEREMY: Let's get one thing straight, I'm going home bright and early tomorrow morning with or without you.
ME: Oh, stop. You know I'm going with you.
...Tomorrow.
But as for tonight...
Who says I can't leave town with a bang?
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Maybe We Should Switch to Baths
Hi, my name is Ben.
NATHAN: Remember when we used to have sex in the shower.
ME: Remember when we used to have sex?
Now we double up in the shower for necessity.
I wonder if it's a bad sign that the sight of my husband's naked body does absolutely nothing for me anymore.
Or is that normal?
NATHAN: When does Jeremy head home?
ME: I don't know. Why?
NATHAN: It'll just be nice not to have him hanging around.
ME: I don't see why you'd care.
NATHAN: Are you kidding?
ME: No.
NATHAN: Would you want your husband's ex-boyfriend hanging around?
ME: It's Rhode Island, Nathan. Everyone is everyone's ex-boyfriend. Even you liked Jeremy at one point.
NATHAN: That must have been back when I had a thing for men with no backbone.
Part of me was wondering if Nathan could sense what even I recently didn't realize:
That I still have residual feelings for Jeremy.
I decided to change the subject. Concern is always the best way to switch a person's focus.
ME: Are you okay?
NATHAN: Huh?
ME: Are you okay? I mean, you shot someone.
NATHAN: Oh...Yeah.
ME: So?
NATHAN: So?
ME: So...are you okay with that?
NATHAN: Why wouldn't I be? He's a maniac.
ME: But you--killed someone.
NATHAN: Actually Jackson killed someone. He pushed him. I just shot him.
How was he being so calm about this? My little caterer.
ME: I just want to make sure you're not, like, traumatized or anything.
Nathan laughed, then pushed me against the wall.
Water was coming down over his face, and he kept laughing--looking like some of sort of demonic river nymph.
Then he kissed me--hard.
NATHAN: I'm not as sensitive as you think, Ben.
He turned the shower off, and got out--shaking himself off like a dog.
Maybe I should have been comforted or turned on or whatever by this, but all I could think was--
Who the hell am I married to?
NATHAN: Remember when we used to have sex in the shower.
ME: Remember when we used to have sex?
Now we double up in the shower for necessity.
I wonder if it's a bad sign that the sight of my husband's naked body does absolutely nothing for me anymore.
Or is that normal?
NATHAN: When does Jeremy head home?
ME: I don't know. Why?
NATHAN: It'll just be nice not to have him hanging around.
ME: I don't see why you'd care.
NATHAN: Are you kidding?
ME: No.
NATHAN: Would you want your husband's ex-boyfriend hanging around?
ME: It's Rhode Island, Nathan. Everyone is everyone's ex-boyfriend. Even you liked Jeremy at one point.
NATHAN: That must have been back when I had a thing for men with no backbone.
Part of me was wondering if Nathan could sense what even I recently didn't realize:
That I still have residual feelings for Jeremy.
I decided to change the subject. Concern is always the best way to switch a person's focus.
ME: Are you okay?
NATHAN: Huh?
ME: Are you okay? I mean, you shot someone.
NATHAN: Oh...Yeah.
ME: So?
NATHAN: So?
ME: So...are you okay with that?
NATHAN: Why wouldn't I be? He's a maniac.
ME: But you--killed someone.
NATHAN: Actually Jackson killed someone. He pushed him. I just shot him.
How was he being so calm about this? My little caterer.
ME: I just want to make sure you're not, like, traumatized or anything.
Nathan laughed, then pushed me against the wall.
Water was coming down over his face, and he kept laughing--looking like some of sort of demonic river nymph.
Then he kissed me--hard.
NATHAN: I'm not as sensitive as you think, Ben.
He turned the shower off, and got out--shaking himself off like a dog.
Maybe I should have been comforted or turned on or whatever by this, but all I could think was--
Who the hell am I married to?
Saturday, February 11, 2012
A Day at City Hall
Hi, my name is Davis.
LIAM: Your approval ratings are through the roof.
ME: Because I faced down a gunman?
LIAM: You were wearing a bulletproof vest.
ME: He could have shot me in the foot.
Liam loves me. But he loves the Mayor more.
That may sound like an odd statement, but trust me, it'd make sense if you spent any time with us.
The Mayor is almost like a separate persona that I put on everyday like an old jacket that doesn't fit quite right.
Liam also loves talking about my numbers.
And right now, my numbers are great. Because--
LIAM: People love the CBQ's.
ME: There are no more CBQ's. That's over. We had a brief reunion to thwart Bart, and now that's done with, and we can all get on with our lives.
LIAM: Your talk with Jeremy didn't go well?
ME: He doesn't want to stay.
LIAM: Did you try promising him things? Money? A house? Sex?
ME: Liam!
LIAM: Not with you! ...Necessarily.
This is why we get along, because we're both ambitious.
LIAM: By the way, you have a meeting.
ME: With who?
LIAM: The hostage negotiator.
Oh damn.
ME: Uh, I'm busy.
LIAM: What do you mean you're busy?
ME: I'm--Why does he want to see me?
LIAM: He doesn't. Or he didn't. I arranged the meeting.
ME: Why would you do that?
LIAM: Because you need to thank him for all his help.
ME: He let me go into a building where I proceeded to get shot at.
LIAM: It was a risky call, but it paid off.
ME: I don't want to see him.
LIAM: Davis, just thank him for his service, and that'll be it. I'm sending him in. Be nice.
I've already been too nice. That's the problem.
Liam walked out, and then Paul walked in looking quite professional.
It made me want to take him right there on my desk.
PAUL: Hello Mr. Mayor.
ME: Hi. Uh, thank you for, you know, your service.
PAUL: Is that a pun?
ME: No. Well, I guess it is, but it wasn't meant to be.
PAUL: Don't worry, Davis. I don't plan on telling anybody about our...you know.
ME: Thank you.
PAUL: But I don't appreciate being made to feel like a homewrecker.
ME: Trust me, it's not much of a home.
PAUL: Even so.
ME: I'm sorry.
PAUL: It's fine.
ME: And, honestly, thank you for all your help. You probably saved at least one of our lives.
PAUL: It's what I do.
ME: Still.
PAUL: Well, to be honest, it was a kind of a thrill. I'm a huge CBQ fan.
With that, he left.
And he left me thinking.
Just how many fans are left out there?
And how much higher could my numbers get?
LIAM: Your approval ratings are through the roof.
ME: Because I faced down a gunman?
LIAM: You were wearing a bulletproof vest.
ME: He could have shot me in the foot.
Liam loves me. But he loves the Mayor more.
That may sound like an odd statement, but trust me, it'd make sense if you spent any time with us.
The Mayor is almost like a separate persona that I put on everyday like an old jacket that doesn't fit quite right.
Liam also loves talking about my numbers.
And right now, my numbers are great. Because--
LIAM: People love the CBQ's.
ME: There are no more CBQ's. That's over. We had a brief reunion to thwart Bart, and now that's done with, and we can all get on with our lives.
LIAM: Your talk with Jeremy didn't go well?
ME: He doesn't want to stay.
LIAM: Did you try promising him things? Money? A house? Sex?
ME: Liam!
LIAM: Not with you! ...Necessarily.
This is why we get along, because we're both ambitious.
LIAM: By the way, you have a meeting.
ME: With who?
LIAM: The hostage negotiator.
Oh damn.
ME: Uh, I'm busy.
LIAM: What do you mean you're busy?
ME: I'm--Why does he want to see me?
LIAM: He doesn't. Or he didn't. I arranged the meeting.
ME: Why would you do that?
LIAM: Because you need to thank him for all his help.
ME: He let me go into a building where I proceeded to get shot at.
LIAM: It was a risky call, but it paid off.
ME: I don't want to see him.
LIAM: Davis, just thank him for his service, and that'll be it. I'm sending him in. Be nice.
I've already been too nice. That's the problem.
Liam walked out, and then Paul walked in looking quite professional.
It made me want to take him right there on my desk.
PAUL: Hello Mr. Mayor.
ME: Hi. Uh, thank you for, you know, your service.
PAUL: Is that a pun?
ME: No. Well, I guess it is, but it wasn't meant to be.
PAUL: Don't worry, Davis. I don't plan on telling anybody about our...you know.
ME: Thank you.
PAUL: But I don't appreciate being made to feel like a homewrecker.
ME: Trust me, it's not much of a home.
PAUL: Even so.
ME: I'm sorry.
PAUL: It's fine.
ME: And, honestly, thank you for all your help. You probably saved at least one of our lives.
PAUL: It's what I do.
ME: Still.
PAUL: Well, to be honest, it was a kind of a thrill. I'm a huge CBQ fan.
With that, he left.
And he left me thinking.
Just how many fans are left out there?
And how much higher could my numbers get?
Sit Close to the Front
Hi, my name is Jeremy.
ADAM: I can't believe you made me come to this.
ME: As soon as we're done, we can catch the next train back to New York.
ADAM: The train? What do you think I am--a butcher's son?
We were at Bart's funeral.
As you can imagine, the crowd was...small.
Nobody wanted to go, but I decided that even though Bart had tried to kill all of us, we should at least pay respects to a person that we were all friends with before he went crazy and blew up Prisms.
JACKSON: Couldn't they have just cremated him and thrown his ashes in the river? At least that way we could have done this while having brunch at Waterplace.
PAIGE: I don't understand what made him snap like that.
ADAM: Your brother's book. That's what made him snap.
ME: That's not true.
JACKSON: Actually it is, he left a note.
The note wasn't exactly what I would call coherent, but it did squarely lay the blame on me for making Bart look bad to the entire country.
HANK: It was probably because you had Rory Culkin play him on the tv show.
ME: Hey! I didn't cast the show! I just sold the rights.
DAVIS: I'm happy with the show.
BEN: Of course you are, Paul Walker plays you. What do you have to complain about?
DAVIS: He could hit the gym a little bit more, but other than that...
Billy was skipping the funeral. He was out of the hospital, but his obligation to the CBQ's was officially over now that everybody was safe and sound.
Nathan also decided to stay home, but that's probably because he'd been getting all the attention as the guy who shot Bart, and I don't think he was handling it all that well.
RITCHIE: I still can't believe you didn't let me bring a camera crew to film this. We would have had exclusive rights. And this is February! We're dealing with sweeps here.
JOEY: I can't believe somebody I dated is dead.
LIAM: Maybe you're what planted the seed of insanity.
JOEY: No, we had a very normal sex life.
LIAM: I was--
HANK: Don't bother. It's pointless.
Davis tapped me on the shoulder, and motioned for me to go to the back of the church with him.
DAVIS: I have a proposition for you.
ME: Davis, I know sex in a church is on your bucket list, but I really don't think this is the time.
DAVIS: First off, I'm insulted--
ME: Really?
DAVIS: --That you think I still had that on my bucket list after five years. Now I just need to have sex in an Islamic temple.
ME: Moving on.
DAVIS: I think you should stay.
ME: Stay where?
DAVIS: Here. Rhode Island. Providence.
ME: You're not serious.
DAVIS: Fine, I'll settle for Warwick, but I can't say I'll visit you as much.
I had a feeling someone was going to ask me to stay. Rhode Island is like the Bermuda Triangle. Nobody knows how you wind up there, but once you're there, decades pass and sharks have wings and I really don't know where this was going...
ME: Davis, I have a life back in New York.
DAVIS: You live upstate! That's not living in New York. That's living in Vermont without the yaks.
ME: There aren't any yaks in--never mind. And I do have a life there. I have friends. I have a career.
DAVIS: You're a writer. You can write anywhere. Plus, don't you need more material?
ME: I'm actually working on a piece of fiction.
DAVIS: How does your editor feel about that?
Not great. She'd probably be thrilled if I moved back to Providence. The publicity alone would get me Barnes and Noble bookings for a year.
ME: She loves it. Everyone's excited to see me moving away from what I usually do. No more writing about the CBQ's.
DAVIS: But that's what you do best.
ME: Believe it or not, I'm a lot more talented than most of you gave me credit for.
DAVIS: Man, you really hate us, don't you?
ME: Of course I don't hate you! Is that what you've been thinking all these years?
DAVIS: What else would we think? You disappeared for five years!
ME: You know why I took off, Davis. Don't play dumb.
And don't think you all get the story just because I'm narrating right now. Some things stay private even from you.
DAVIS: You could have at least called or something.
ME: So we could chat about how you suddenly developed an interest in politics?
DAVIS: Well, I had to shake that manwhore image you put on me.
ME: I put that on you? I just told the truth.
DAVIS: And what about your truth, Jeremy? Did you tell your truth?
Davis and I have had our fights over the years. There were times when we were at each other's throats.
But I have never heard him sound so cold.
ME: I'm leaving tonight. Nothing's going to change that.
DAVIS: You know what? Maybe that's for the best after all. The longer you stay here, the more damage you can do.
He walked away from me not even having touched me, but...
It felt like he slapped me.
Like he slapped me right across the face.
ADAM: I can't believe you made me come to this.
ME: As soon as we're done, we can catch the next train back to New York.
ADAM: The train? What do you think I am--a butcher's son?
We were at Bart's funeral.
As you can imagine, the crowd was...small.
Nobody wanted to go, but I decided that even though Bart had tried to kill all of us, we should at least pay respects to a person that we were all friends with before he went crazy and blew up Prisms.
JACKSON: Couldn't they have just cremated him and thrown his ashes in the river? At least that way we could have done this while having brunch at Waterplace.
PAIGE: I don't understand what made him snap like that.
ADAM: Your brother's book. That's what made him snap.
ME: That's not true.
JACKSON: Actually it is, he left a note.
The note wasn't exactly what I would call coherent, but it did squarely lay the blame on me for making Bart look bad to the entire country.
HANK: It was probably because you had Rory Culkin play him on the tv show.
ME: Hey! I didn't cast the show! I just sold the rights.
DAVIS: I'm happy with the show.
BEN: Of course you are, Paul Walker plays you. What do you have to complain about?
DAVIS: He could hit the gym a little bit more, but other than that...
Billy was skipping the funeral. He was out of the hospital, but his obligation to the CBQ's was officially over now that everybody was safe and sound.
Nathan also decided to stay home, but that's probably because he'd been getting all the attention as the guy who shot Bart, and I don't think he was handling it all that well.
RITCHIE: I still can't believe you didn't let me bring a camera crew to film this. We would have had exclusive rights. And this is February! We're dealing with sweeps here.
JOEY: I can't believe somebody I dated is dead.
LIAM: Maybe you're what planted the seed of insanity.
JOEY: No, we had a very normal sex life.
LIAM: I was--
HANK: Don't bother. It's pointless.
Davis tapped me on the shoulder, and motioned for me to go to the back of the church with him.
DAVIS: I have a proposition for you.
ME: Davis, I know sex in a church is on your bucket list, but I really don't think this is the time.
DAVIS: First off, I'm insulted--
ME: Really?
DAVIS: --That you think I still had that on my bucket list after five years. Now I just need to have sex in an Islamic temple.
ME: Moving on.
DAVIS: I think you should stay.
ME: Stay where?
DAVIS: Here. Rhode Island. Providence.
ME: You're not serious.
DAVIS: Fine, I'll settle for Warwick, but I can't say I'll visit you as much.
I had a feeling someone was going to ask me to stay. Rhode Island is like the Bermuda Triangle. Nobody knows how you wind up there, but once you're there, decades pass and sharks have wings and I really don't know where this was going...
ME: Davis, I have a life back in New York.
DAVIS: You live upstate! That's not living in New York. That's living in Vermont without the yaks.
ME: There aren't any yaks in--never mind. And I do have a life there. I have friends. I have a career.
DAVIS: You're a writer. You can write anywhere. Plus, don't you need more material?
ME: I'm actually working on a piece of fiction.
DAVIS: How does your editor feel about that?
Not great. She'd probably be thrilled if I moved back to Providence. The publicity alone would get me Barnes and Noble bookings for a year.
ME: She loves it. Everyone's excited to see me moving away from what I usually do. No more writing about the CBQ's.
DAVIS: But that's what you do best.
ME: Believe it or not, I'm a lot more talented than most of you gave me credit for.
DAVIS: Man, you really hate us, don't you?
ME: Of course I don't hate you! Is that what you've been thinking all these years?
DAVIS: What else would we think? You disappeared for five years!
ME: You know why I took off, Davis. Don't play dumb.
And don't think you all get the story just because I'm narrating right now. Some things stay private even from you.
DAVIS: You could have at least called or something.
ME: So we could chat about how you suddenly developed an interest in politics?
DAVIS: Well, I had to shake that manwhore image you put on me.
ME: I put that on you? I just told the truth.
DAVIS: And what about your truth, Jeremy? Did you tell your truth?
Davis and I have had our fights over the years. There were times when we were at each other's throats.
But I have never heard him sound so cold.
ME: I'm leaving tonight. Nothing's going to change that.
DAVIS: You know what? Maybe that's for the best after all. The longer you stay here, the more damage you can do.
He walked away from me not even having touched me, but...
It felt like he slapped me.
Like he slapped me right across the face.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
That Extra Push
Hi, my name is Jackson.
JEREMY: Bart, you're sick. You need help.
BART: What I need is residuals.
It was very clear that somebody was going over the edge of this parking garage. The question was---who?
PAIGE: The mall is probably surrounded.
BART: So you think I won't make it out of the thousand entrances they have here? The Providence Police Force is only so big. Worse comes to worse, I'll hide out in one of the bathrooms in an air vent or something until they call off the hounds.
As crazy as he sounds, I was thinking it might actually work.
That was when I saw Nathan inside the mall pointing a gun at Bart.
I wasn't all that inspired, since Jeremy told me Nathan tried shooting Bart once already and he ended up shooting Davis instead.
Without him noticing, I tried to push Jeremy and Paige away from Bart so Nathan would at least have a clear path.
BART: Now, which one of you wants to go first?
That was when the shot rang out.
BART: Ahhh!
But I could see it only hit him in the shoulder.
That wasn't going to be enough.
JEREMY: Jackson, no!
But I had to do it.
So I shoved my whole body into him, and off he went.
I pushed Bart over the edge.
JEREMY: Bart, you're sick. You need help.
BART: What I need is residuals.
It was very clear that somebody was going over the edge of this parking garage. The question was---who?
PAIGE: The mall is probably surrounded.
BART: So you think I won't make it out of the thousand entrances they have here? The Providence Police Force is only so big. Worse comes to worse, I'll hide out in one of the bathrooms in an air vent or something until they call off the hounds.
As crazy as he sounds, I was thinking it might actually work.
That was when I saw Nathan inside the mall pointing a gun at Bart.
I wasn't all that inspired, since Jeremy told me Nathan tried shooting Bart once already and he ended up shooting Davis instead.
Without him noticing, I tried to push Jeremy and Paige away from Bart so Nathan would at least have a clear path.
BART: Now, which one of you wants to go first?
That was when the shot rang out.
BART: Ahhh!
But I could see it only hit him in the shoulder.
That wasn't going to be enough.
JEREMY: Jackson, no!
But I had to do it.
So I shoved my whole body into him, and off he went.
I pushed Bart over the edge.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Before a House Falls on You
Hi, my name is Hank.
ME: Did somebody seriously push Bart off the roof?
LIAM: Looks like the city won't be spending any money on a trial.
BEN: Yeah, so it's totally worth somebody becoming a human sidewalk stain.
KEN: He tried to kill us.
ME: Even Ken understands the divine karma of this moment, Ben
BEN: It's just a little traumatic.
We were all sitting around Cheesecake Factory with blankets around us--as if tragedy somehow makes you colder.
Jeremy, Jackson, Nathan, and Paige all came down to give statements.
Ritchie was interviewing people, while Joey was being loaded into an ambulance with a concussion.
ME: Maybe when they x-ray him they'll find traces of a brain.
I was sitting next to Ben, and I could see him looking at Jeremy with that old twinkle in his eye.
ME: Don't even think about it.
BEN: What?
ME: Jackson and Paige are safe. Jeremy's probably going to take off again.
BEN: You don't know that.
ME: Why would he stay?
BEN: I'm sure people are going to have questions about Bart's death.
ME: He got out of prison, did a lot of messed up shit, and Nathan shot him. End of story.
BEN: Maybe it's more complicated than that.
I hate to say this, but Ben was right.
It was way more complicated than that.
We just didn't know it at the time.
ME: Did somebody seriously push Bart off the roof?
LIAM: Looks like the city won't be spending any money on a trial.
BEN: Yeah, so it's totally worth somebody becoming a human sidewalk stain.
KEN: He tried to kill us.
ME: Even Ken understands the divine karma of this moment, Ben
BEN: It's just a little traumatic.
We were all sitting around Cheesecake Factory with blankets around us--as if tragedy somehow makes you colder.
Jeremy, Jackson, Nathan, and Paige all came down to give statements.
Ritchie was interviewing people, while Joey was being loaded into an ambulance with a concussion.
ME: Maybe when they x-ray him they'll find traces of a brain.
I was sitting next to Ben, and I could see him looking at Jeremy with that old twinkle in his eye.
ME: Don't even think about it.
BEN: What?
ME: Jackson and Paige are safe. Jeremy's probably going to take off again.
BEN: You don't know that.
ME: Why would he stay?
BEN: I'm sure people are going to have questions about Bart's death.
ME: He got out of prison, did a lot of messed up shit, and Nathan shot him. End of story.
BEN: Maybe it's more complicated than that.
I hate to say this, but Ben was right.
It was way more complicated than that.
We just didn't know it at the time.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Keep Filming
Hi, my name is Ritchie.
JOEY: I think I'm hallucinating.
ME: What do you see?
JOEY: A giant Samurai horse.
ME: You're fine. That's just PF Chang's.
I managed to drag an almost lifeless Joey all the way to the mall.
In retrospect, I should have brought him to a hospital, but I needed someone to hold the camera.
People were being held outside the mall for safety's sake, but I've learned ways around constraints like these.
JOEY: You're going to sneak in through the parking garage, aren't you?
ME: No! The Westin. It'll be faster.
We made it to the bridge between the Westin and the mall, and up to the roof the parking garage in record time--mostly because I carried Joey on my back.
ME: Okay, get ready to film.
Good thing the camera was on.
We got there just in time to see Nathan shoot the gunman.
JOEY: Bart?
But there wasn't much time to catch up.
As soon as Nathan shot Bart, he went right over the edge of the roof.
JOEY: I think I'm hallucinating.
ME: What do you see?
JOEY: A giant Samurai horse.
ME: You're fine. That's just PF Chang's.
I managed to drag an almost lifeless Joey all the way to the mall.
In retrospect, I should have brought him to a hospital, but I needed someone to hold the camera.
People were being held outside the mall for safety's sake, but I've learned ways around constraints like these.
JOEY: You're going to sneak in through the parking garage, aren't you?
ME: No! The Westin. It'll be faster.
We made it to the bridge between the Westin and the mall, and up to the roof the parking garage in record time--mostly because I carried Joey on my back.
ME: Okay, get ready to film.
Good thing the camera was on.
We got there just in time to see Nathan shoot the gunman.
JOEY: Bart?
But there wasn't much time to catch up.
As soon as Nathan shot Bart, he went right over the edge of the roof.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Can I Fake Amnesia?
Hi, my name is Billy.
VOICE: I need to see my fiance!
This is not going to help the healing process.
EMMA: Billy, thank God!
I'd only been in the emergency room for half an hour before Emma burst in. I forgot that I listed her as a contact. Tom, her brother, was with her.
EMMA: What's going on?
TOM: The doctor said you got shot.
EMMA: Does his have anything to do with your friends from Jesus camp?
ME: Emma, I--
EMMA: Mom's back at the house just panicking over this. I didn't know what to tell her.
ME: You didn't let her turn on a tv, did you?
EMMA: No, why?
That's when the tv above the nurses' station cut away from its programming and the Breaking News logo flashed across the screen.
ME: Oh boy...
TOM: Is that the mall?
ANNOUNCER: Three hostages are being held at gunpoint on the roof of the mall parking garage. Earlier this evening, the Mayor along with several gay men were involved in an altercation at the gay nightclub Prisms downtown.
Gay gay gay...say it one more time, why don't you?
ANNOUNCER: One of the gay men shot was Billy--
Emma gasped. Tom just looked at the floor.
ANNOUNCER: --the inspiration for the hit blog-turned-book-turned-television show Catty Bitchy Queens.
That was when Tom looked up.
TOM: You're a CBQ?
I started to say something, but Emma slapped me.
EMMA: I am not speaking to you until our wedding!
Then, she stormed out of the room.
I was beginning to wish the bullet had gone into my face.
VOICE: I need to see my fiance!
This is not going to help the healing process.
EMMA: Billy, thank God!
I'd only been in the emergency room for half an hour before Emma burst in. I forgot that I listed her as a contact. Tom, her brother, was with her.
EMMA: What's going on?
TOM: The doctor said you got shot.
EMMA: Does his have anything to do with your friends from Jesus camp?
ME: Emma, I--
EMMA: Mom's back at the house just panicking over this. I didn't know what to tell her.
ME: You didn't let her turn on a tv, did you?
EMMA: No, why?
That's when the tv above the nurses' station cut away from its programming and the Breaking News logo flashed across the screen.
ME: Oh boy...
TOM: Is that the mall?
ANNOUNCER: Three hostages are being held at gunpoint on the roof of the mall parking garage. Earlier this evening, the Mayor along with several gay men were involved in an altercation at the gay nightclub Prisms downtown.
Gay gay gay...say it one more time, why don't you?
ANNOUNCER: One of the gay men shot was Billy--
Emma gasped. Tom just looked at the floor.
ANNOUNCER: --the inspiration for the hit blog-turned-book-turned-television show Catty Bitchy Queens.
That was when Tom looked up.
TOM: You're a CBQ?
I started to say something, but Emma slapped me.
EMMA: I am not speaking to you until our wedding!
Then, she stormed out of the room.
I was beginning to wish the bullet had gone into my face.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Unfinished Business
Hi, my name is Nathan.
And this is something you should know about me:
I take care of business.
Unfinished business makes me very, very unhappy.
That's how I wound up at the mall, heading to the roof of the parking garage, ready to put a bullet in a masked gunman.
Believe it or not, I've done worse.
When I get to the roof, I wait inside until I can find a good moment to rush the guy.
Luckily, his back is to me, and I can see Jackson, Jeremy, and Paige standing around him looking stunned.
Then I see why.
ME: Bart?
Bart's the gunman?
ME: Shit.
That complicates things.
I could tell you why, but then I'd have to kill you.
Either way, I couldn't take the chance of Bart telling people about my little side career.
That meant he had to go down.
I pushed open the door, and screamed out--
ME: BART!
He turned around.
I closed my eyes.
And fired.
And this is something you should know about me:
I take care of business.
Unfinished business makes me very, very unhappy.
That's how I wound up at the mall, heading to the roof of the parking garage, ready to put a bullet in a masked gunman.
Believe it or not, I've done worse.
When I get to the roof, I wait inside until I can find a good moment to rush the guy.
Luckily, his back is to me, and I can see Jackson, Jeremy, and Paige standing around him looking stunned.
Then I see why.
ME: Bart?
Bart's the gunman?
ME: Shit.
That complicates things.
I could tell you why, but then I'd have to kill you.
Either way, I couldn't take the chance of Bart telling people about my little side career.
That meant he had to go down.
I pushed open the door, and screamed out--
ME: BART!
He turned around.
I closed my eyes.
And fired.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
No Time for Concussions
Hi, my name is Joey.
VOICE: Joey! Wake up!
If I'm dead, and I still have to listen to Ritchie talk, then Heaven is a cruel, cold place.
VOICE: WAKE UP!
That was when I felt him slap me across the face.
ME: AH!
We were surrounded by a pile of what I guess used to be Prisms.
ME: Why aren't we dead?
RITCHIE: That giant cardboard cut-out of Cher shielded us.
ME: Wow. Now I feel bad for making all those Silkwood comments.
Ritchie was playing around with his camera.
I guess you can blow up with club with the reporter in it, but you can't blow up the--
RITCHIE: YES! It's still working.
ME: Shouldn't we find the guys? Or police? Or someone who can tell me why I have double vision?
RITCHIE: No time. We have to find the gunman.
ME: Ritchie--
RITCHIE: Joey, journalism waits for no one. This could be my Emmy.
ME: Don't you have an Emmy.
RITCHIE: A Daytime Emmy, but that's not a real Emmy. They might as well make it out of gummy bears.
ME: That sounds nice.
RITCHIE: Focus! We need to think about where he could be headed.
ME: The mall?
RITCHIE: Don't be an idiot. Why would he go to the mall?
ME: Because of that spotlight hitting the top of the parking garage?
I pointed to what I was talking about. Ritchie turned around, and there it was. The police spotlight aimed at the mall.
RITCHIE: We can make it there in ten minutes if we run.
ME: I think my leg's broken.
RITCHIE: Eight minutes if we run fast. Let's go.
And he was off and running.
I had to go with him.
Not because I cared about what was going on with the gunman, but because he picked me up and threw me over his shoulders.
I have to admit, it was kind of chivalrous.
At least, that was what I thought right before I passed out.
VOICE: Joey! Wake up!
If I'm dead, and I still have to listen to Ritchie talk, then Heaven is a cruel, cold place.
VOICE: WAKE UP!
That was when I felt him slap me across the face.
ME: AH!
We were surrounded by a pile of what I guess used to be Prisms.
ME: Why aren't we dead?
RITCHIE: That giant cardboard cut-out of Cher shielded us.
ME: Wow. Now I feel bad for making all those Silkwood comments.
Ritchie was playing around with his camera.
I guess you can blow up with club with the reporter in it, but you can't blow up the--
RITCHIE: YES! It's still working.
ME: Shouldn't we find the guys? Or police? Or someone who can tell me why I have double vision?
RITCHIE: No time. We have to find the gunman.
ME: Ritchie--
RITCHIE: Joey, journalism waits for no one. This could be my Emmy.
ME: Don't you have an Emmy.
RITCHIE: A Daytime Emmy, but that's not a real Emmy. They might as well make it out of gummy bears.
ME: That sounds nice.
RITCHIE: Focus! We need to think about where he could be headed.
ME: The mall?
RITCHIE: Don't be an idiot. Why would he go to the mall?
ME: Because of that spotlight hitting the top of the parking garage?
I pointed to what I was talking about. Ritchie turned around, and there it was. The police spotlight aimed at the mall.
RITCHIE: We can make it there in ten minutes if we run.
ME: I think my leg's broken.
RITCHIE: Eight minutes if we run fast. Let's go.
And he was off and running.
I had to go with him.
Not because I cared about what was going on with the gunman, but because he picked me up and threw me over his shoulders.
I have to admit, it was kind of chivalrous.
At least, that was what I thought right before I passed out.
Never Forget a Face
Hi, my name is Jackson.
JEREMY: Bart?
It seems as though our kidnapper isn't a stranger after all.
BART: Welcome back, Jeremy.
JEREMY: Suddenly this all makes sense.
ME: Aren't you in prison?
BART: Oh, y'all didn't get the memo? I'm out on good behavior.
Considering he had a gun in his hand, and was about to make me and my siblings jump off the roof of a parking garage, I'm thinking the days of good behavior were over.
PAIGE: Why did you do all this?
BART: Because with all the fame the CBQ's have gotten over the years, who do you think looks the worst?
JEREMY: Ben?
ME: Joey?
PAIGE: Jackson?
ME: Hey!
BART: Me!
I told Jeremy he should have changed Bart's name to something more indistinguishable than Burt.
BART: So there I am, stuck in prison, branded a lunatic and a catty bitch. I was getting hate mail everyday when I wasn't getting fought over by two three hundred pound Russian mobsters named Ivan and Screw.
PAIGE: Is Screw a Russian name?
ME: It was probably a nickname, Paige.
Bart laughed--not so much at my joke, just in that sort of "I haven't taken my meds" kind of way.
BART: The only way I'm ever going to be able to start a new life for myself is if I get rid of the CBQ legacy.
He pointed a gun at Jeremy.
BART: And that means the celebrated author is going over the edge.
I looked at my brother and realized it might be the last time I see him alive.
JEREMY: Bart?
It seems as though our kidnapper isn't a stranger after all.
BART: Welcome back, Jeremy.
JEREMY: Suddenly this all makes sense.
ME: Aren't you in prison?
BART: Oh, y'all didn't get the memo? I'm out on good behavior.
Considering he had a gun in his hand, and was about to make me and my siblings jump off the roof of a parking garage, I'm thinking the days of good behavior were over.
PAIGE: Why did you do all this?
BART: Because with all the fame the CBQ's have gotten over the years, who do you think looks the worst?
JEREMY: Ben?
ME: Joey?
PAIGE: Jackson?
ME: Hey!
BART: Me!
I told Jeremy he should have changed Bart's name to something more indistinguishable than Burt.
BART: So there I am, stuck in prison, branded a lunatic and a catty bitch. I was getting hate mail everyday when I wasn't getting fought over by two three hundred pound Russian mobsters named Ivan and Screw.
PAIGE: Is Screw a Russian name?
ME: It was probably a nickname, Paige.
Bart laughed--not so much at my joke, just in that sort of "I haven't taken my meds" kind of way.
BART: The only way I'm ever going to be able to start a new life for myself is if I get rid of the CBQ legacy.
He pointed a gun at Jeremy.
BART: And that means the celebrated author is going over the edge.
I looked at my brother and realized it might be the last time I see him alive.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Public Policy
Hi, my name is Ben.
ME: Mr. Mayor--
It's been a long time since Davis and I had a rumble.
ME: --We need to talk.
But if I remember correctly, I won more often than I lost.
We had just arrived at the man where the gunman was holding three people hostage--one of them probably Paige and the other two Jeremy, Jackson, Ritchie, or who knows who?
Rescue teams were still digging through the rubble which used to be Prisms looking for whomever might have still been in the building when it collapsed.
I couldn't think about Jeremy being underneath all that debris. Believe it or not, my best hope was that he was being held hostage by a maniac.
ME: Davis, you can't just rush onto that roof with guns blazing.
DAVIS: Ben, we've tried being nice. Nice didn't work. Now, we need to end this.
LIAM: He's right. We can't keep accruing collateral damage. He's taken this to the mall, for godsakes!
ME: Oh right, Providence's number one landmark.
DAVIS: I know you're worried he might have Jeremy up there. I am, too. But the only way we're going to get him back is to take this guy down.
ME: And he could take the hostages out with him!
LIAM: We have to take that chance.
ME: Nobody's talking to you!
DAVIS: This isn't going to be a--
But before he could continue, a body landed two feet from us.
ME: Did that just come from the roof?
Everyone went rushing to see who the body belonged to, but I just looked up at the roof to see who might be up there--
--Looking down on us.
ME: Mr. Mayor--
It's been a long time since Davis and I had a rumble.
ME: --We need to talk.
But if I remember correctly, I won more often than I lost.
We had just arrived at the man where the gunman was holding three people hostage--one of them probably Paige and the other two Jeremy, Jackson, Ritchie, or who knows who?
Rescue teams were still digging through the rubble which used to be Prisms looking for whomever might have still been in the building when it collapsed.
I couldn't think about Jeremy being underneath all that debris. Believe it or not, my best hope was that he was being held hostage by a maniac.
ME: Davis, you can't just rush onto that roof with guns blazing.
DAVIS: Ben, we've tried being nice. Nice didn't work. Now, we need to end this.
LIAM: He's right. We can't keep accruing collateral damage. He's taken this to the mall, for godsakes!
ME: Oh right, Providence's number one landmark.
DAVIS: I know you're worried he might have Jeremy up there. I am, too. But the only way we're going to get him back is to take this guy down.
ME: And he could take the hostages out with him!
LIAM: We have to take that chance.
ME: Nobody's talking to you!
DAVIS: This isn't going to be a--
But before he could continue, a body landed two feet from us.
ME: Did that just come from the roof?
Everyone went rushing to see who the body belonged to, but I just looked up at the roof to see who might be up there--
--Looking down on us.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
I Shot the Mayor
Hi, my name is Davis.
LIAM: Davis, can you hear me?
NATHAN: Good thing he had the bulletproof vest on.
ADAM: Good thing you didn't shoot him in the head.
NATHAN: Shut up, Adam.
I think I passed out.
I haven't been shot many times.
Shot at, yes. Successfully shot? Not so much.
And what they don't tell you is that even when you're wearing a vest, it hurts.
It hurts like a--
LIAM: Davis, are you all right?
ME: Is everybody okay?
KEN: I'm fine.
HANK: Nobody cares about you, Ken.
NATHAN: Prisms is now the city's newest parking lot.
ADAM: Jeremy was still inside.
ME: What?
LIAM: We don't know that. He might have just--
ME: Who else is missing?
HANK: Joey, Ritchie--
BEN: Jackson and Paige.
This was bad.
ME: Why aren't the streetlights on?
LIAM: Apparently, the gunman set off a bomb nearby that knocked out most of the lights downtown. He probably wanted to keep us occupied.
ME: Where IS the gunman?
HANK: Hopefully trapped under what used to be our old club.
Our old club.
That kind of tugged at my heartstrings.
Except not really.
ME: Is anybody going through the--
LIAM: We're looking through the rubble for whoever's missing.
ME: Get more people to help. Get as much as we can.
LIAM: Look, we need to think about prioritizing here.
BEN: Prioritizing? We have friends buried underneath a building!
LIAM: And we may have a crazed gunman terrorizing the city.
ADAM: What are the odds he escaped?
VOICE: Hey guys?
Kate, Ritchie's producer, came barreling towards us.
KATE: We got a report that three men and a young woman were seen on the top floor of the mall parking garage. Care to comment?
HANK: There are people at the mall. What a shock.
KATE: One of the guys has a gun and he seems to be holding the other three hostage.
BEN: That could be--
ME: Somebody put me in a police car. We're going to the mall.
KEN: Joey's probably there. He loves the mall.
ADAM: Do we need to keep him around?
While the boys bitched, I made up my mind.
I was through playing fun with hostages.
As soon as there was a clear shot at this guy--
He was getting taken down.
LIAM: Davis, can you hear me?
NATHAN: Good thing he had the bulletproof vest on.
ADAM: Good thing you didn't shoot him in the head.
NATHAN: Shut up, Adam.
I think I passed out.
I haven't been shot many times.
Shot at, yes. Successfully shot? Not so much.
And what they don't tell you is that even when you're wearing a vest, it hurts.
It hurts like a--
LIAM: Davis, are you all right?
ME: Is everybody okay?
KEN: I'm fine.
HANK: Nobody cares about you, Ken.
NATHAN: Prisms is now the city's newest parking lot.
ADAM: Jeremy was still inside.
ME: What?
LIAM: We don't know that. He might have just--
ME: Who else is missing?
HANK: Joey, Ritchie--
BEN: Jackson and Paige.
This was bad.
ME: Why aren't the streetlights on?
LIAM: Apparently, the gunman set off a bomb nearby that knocked out most of the lights downtown. He probably wanted to keep us occupied.
ME: Where IS the gunman?
HANK: Hopefully trapped under what used to be our old club.
Our old club.
That kind of tugged at my heartstrings.
Except not really.
ME: Is anybody going through the--
LIAM: We're looking through the rubble for whoever's missing.
ME: Get more people to help. Get as much as we can.
LIAM: Look, we need to think about prioritizing here.
BEN: Prioritizing? We have friends buried underneath a building!
LIAM: And we may have a crazed gunman terrorizing the city.
ADAM: What are the odds he escaped?
VOICE: Hey guys?
Kate, Ritchie's producer, came barreling towards us.
KATE: We got a report that three men and a young woman were seen on the top floor of the mall parking garage. Care to comment?
HANK: There are people at the mall. What a shock.
KATE: One of the guys has a gun and he seems to be holding the other three hostage.
BEN: That could be--
ME: Somebody put me in a police car. We're going to the mall.
KEN: Joey's probably there. He loves the mall.
ADAM: Do we need to keep him around?
While the boys bitched, I made up my mind.
I was through playing fun with hostages.
As soon as there was a clear shot at this guy--
He was getting taken down.
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