Hi, my name is Billy.
ME: Ready to go to the movie?
JEREMY: Nathan can walk.
ME: Maybe we can catch the late show.
I stopped by Ben and Nathan's to grab Jeremy for our movie. When I got there, Ben opened the door looking angrier than I've ever seen him, and Nathan was nowhere to be found.
Ben and Jeremy filled me in on what was happening.
ME: He's been faking it this whole time?
BEN: I guess he had some paralysis after the accident, but once it went away, he kept right on pretending to keep me feeling guilty.
ME: Wow, and I thought you were the asshole in the relationship.
JEREMY: He still is! He still tried to hit on you.
BEN: I only did that because I wanted to be with you.
Silence.
JEREMY: What?
BEN: That was the reason I drove my car off the road. I told Nathan I wanted to come back to Rhode Island this summer so I could win you back, and he grabbed the steering wheel and--
ME: So why did you hit on me?
BEN: I figured if I could break you two up, it would be a lot easier for me to get back together with Jeremy.
JEREMY: That's insane!
BEN: I still think it could have worked.
So he didn't even want me. It was all a plan.
Jeremy looked mad, but...I could see there was something else there.
He was flattered.
His voice instantly softened.
JEREMY: Ben, why didn't you just tell me you still had feelings for me?
ME: Would it have mattered?
JEREMY: What? No. Of course not. But it would have been better than going through all this.
BEN: I'm sorry.
ME: Wow, that's a first.
JEREMY: Let's just stop, okay?
ME: Where's Nathan?
BEN: He walked out on us as soon as we started confronting him.
Knock, knock.
JEREMY: That must be him.
BEN: Look, I know I messed up, but I promise--that's the last of the secrets, okay?
He opened the door--and there was Eli.
BEN: Okay, maybe not the LAST of the secrets...
So much for the movie.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Walk Like a Man
Hi, my name is Nathan.
JEREMY: I don't get it, Nathan.
Progress is not my friend.
JEREMY: I thought we'd see more results by now.
Jeremy has been helping me with my physical therapy for a few weeks now, but we weren't getting anywhere. This is partly because I don't need physical therapy. I can walk just fine, but I don't need anybody to know that.
I figure once I'm ready, I can start to show signs of improvement.
Until then, I have Jeremy developing a serious Florence Nightingale complex, Ben is still under my thumb, and I just joined a wheelchair basketball league.
Life is good.
ME: Jeremy, don't worry about it. The doctors said it could take time before I can walk again.
I never actually saw a doctor, but I'm assuming that's what one would say to me if I was actually disabled.
JEREMY: Well, in the meantime, I'll just keep working with you.
ME: You're so sweet.
He was still next to me on the mat in my bedroom, so I leaned over and--
JEREMY: Whoa, what are you doing?
ME: I'm sorry.
JEREMY: Nathan, I'm with Billy.
Stupid Billy. If Ben had just seduced him like he was supposed to, I'd be with Jeremy right now.
ME: I know, it's just...I get so lonely.
JEREMY: But you have Ben.
ME: Oh, come on, Jeremy. I know Ben tried to sleep with Billy. I know that's why you two aren't talking.
I actually encouraged Ben's plan, but when it failed, I told him that if he tried dragging me down with him, I'd tell everyone that he was driving the car that technically should have put me in a wheelchair...but didn't.
JEREMY: Why don't you break up with him then?
ME: And be by myself? I wouldn't make it.
JEREMY: Sure you would. You're stronger than you think.
ME: Jeremy, please, I'm depressed enough as it is.
I got up into my chair hoping my pity party worked.
JEREMY: I'm sorry. I know it must be hard. But just know that you'll never be alone. I'll always be here.
That was when the fire alarm went off.
I jumped up out of the chair, grabbed Jeremy, and ran into the living room...
VOICE: Oh my God!
...And right into Ben.
BEN: I was going to tell you guys that I burnt dinner.
I turned around and looked at Jeremy. He was horrified.
Ben didn't look too thrilled either.
BEN: So I guess that therapy's working wonders, huh?
Well, what do you know?
A miracle.
JEREMY: I don't get it, Nathan.
Progress is not my friend.
JEREMY: I thought we'd see more results by now.
Jeremy has been helping me with my physical therapy for a few weeks now, but we weren't getting anywhere. This is partly because I don't need physical therapy. I can walk just fine, but I don't need anybody to know that.
I figure once I'm ready, I can start to show signs of improvement.
Until then, I have Jeremy developing a serious Florence Nightingale complex, Ben is still under my thumb, and I just joined a wheelchair basketball league.
Life is good.
ME: Jeremy, don't worry about it. The doctors said it could take time before I can walk again.
I never actually saw a doctor, but I'm assuming that's what one would say to me if I was actually disabled.
JEREMY: Well, in the meantime, I'll just keep working with you.
ME: You're so sweet.
He was still next to me on the mat in my bedroom, so I leaned over and--
JEREMY: Whoa, what are you doing?
ME: I'm sorry.
JEREMY: Nathan, I'm with Billy.
Stupid Billy. If Ben had just seduced him like he was supposed to, I'd be with Jeremy right now.
ME: I know, it's just...I get so lonely.
JEREMY: But you have Ben.
ME: Oh, come on, Jeremy. I know Ben tried to sleep with Billy. I know that's why you two aren't talking.
I actually encouraged Ben's plan, but when it failed, I told him that if he tried dragging me down with him, I'd tell everyone that he was driving the car that technically should have put me in a wheelchair...but didn't.
JEREMY: Why don't you break up with him then?
ME: And be by myself? I wouldn't make it.
JEREMY: Sure you would. You're stronger than you think.
ME: Jeremy, please, I'm depressed enough as it is.
I got up into my chair hoping my pity party worked.
JEREMY: I'm sorry. I know it must be hard. But just know that you'll never be alone. I'll always be here.
That was when the fire alarm went off.
I jumped up out of the chair, grabbed Jeremy, and ran into the living room...
VOICE: Oh my God!
...And right into Ben.
BEN: I was going to tell you guys that I burnt dinner.
I turned around and looked at Jeremy. He was horrified.
Ben didn't look too thrilled either.
BEN: So I guess that therapy's working wonders, huh?
Well, what do you know?
A miracle.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
That Old Mistake
Hi, my name is Carter.
ADAM: This was a mistake.
ME: It always is.
I just hooked up with Adam, the new guy.
We ran into each other at Prisms. He seemed pretty upset.
ME: You look upset.
ADAM: I am.
ME: What's wrong?
ADAM: Joey broke up with me.
ME: Were you two dating?
ADAM: Sort of. We were sleeping together on a regular basis.
ME: Wow, I must be dating like seven people.
Adam and I talked for a little bit more, then we ended up drinking, then we ended up dancing, then we ended up--
ADAM: Oh God...I don't think I was supposed to sleep with you.
ME: Yeah, it's usually not a good idea. But people do it anyway.
Looks like I got to Adam just in time. Once people hear about my unfair reputation, they avoid me.
It totally kills my game.
ADAM: You're not going to tell anyone about this, right?
ME: Nooo....
I didn't tell him I already put it as my Facebook status.
A boy's gotta have his secrets.
ADAM: This was a mistake.
ME: It always is.
I just hooked up with Adam, the new guy.
We ran into each other at Prisms. He seemed pretty upset.
ME: You look upset.
ADAM: I am.
ME: What's wrong?
ADAM: Joey broke up with me.
ME: Were you two dating?
ADAM: Sort of. We were sleeping together on a regular basis.
ME: Wow, I must be dating like seven people.
Adam and I talked for a little bit more, then we ended up drinking, then we ended up dancing, then we ended up--
ADAM: Oh God...I don't think I was supposed to sleep with you.
ME: Yeah, it's usually not a good idea. But people do it anyway.
Looks like I got to Adam just in time. Once people hear about my unfair reputation, they avoid me.
It totally kills my game.
ADAM: You're not going to tell anyone about this, right?
ME: Nooo....
I didn't tell him I already put it as my Facebook status.
A boy's gotta have his secrets.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Before Someone Drops a House On You
Hi, my name is Jackson.
JOAN: Jackson, I seem to be having a problem.
ME: Which is?
JOAN: My things are all outside in the parking lot.
ME: Oh right. I kicked you out of the apartment.
Today might be one of the happiest days of my life.
JOAN: Is this a joke?
Paige popped out of the hallway with the last box.
PAIGE: Maybe for us. Jackson and I were just cracking up when we were packing your stuff.
JOAN: You can't be serious.
ME: Hank called Mom--to apologize. Apparently you set him up with a hooker.
JOAN: They're called escorts, Jackson.
ME: You purposefully destroyed my relationship.
JOAN: Only because I know you can do better.
ME: No, you did it because you can't stand to see me be happy.
JOAN: That's ridiculous. You used to say the same thing when you were little just because you were fat and had low self-esteem.
ME: Paige, give me that box.
I took it, opened the window, and tossed it out.
PAIGE: That was all her breakables.
ME: I'm aware.
Mom got that frantic look in her eye. She was trying to figure out a way to stay.
JOAN: You can't do this. I'm your mother. I--
ME: You're a murderer.
JOAN: It was an accident!
ME: Is that how the police would see it?
JOAN: You two were involved!
Paige and I smiled at each other.
ME: Mom, didn't you notice us putting on gloves before we left with Chris' remains?
Mom's face dropped--might be time for another visit to Dr. Travers.
PAIGE: Looks like I have my room back.
ME: Try not to miss us too much, Mom.
JOAN: Go to hell. Both of you!
She walked out and slammed the door.
Ding Dong...
JOAN: Jackson, I seem to be having a problem.
ME: Which is?
JOAN: My things are all outside in the parking lot.
ME: Oh right. I kicked you out of the apartment.
Today might be one of the happiest days of my life.
JOAN: Is this a joke?
Paige popped out of the hallway with the last box.
PAIGE: Maybe for us. Jackson and I were just cracking up when we were packing your stuff.
JOAN: You can't be serious.
ME: Hank called Mom--to apologize. Apparently you set him up with a hooker.
JOAN: They're called escorts, Jackson.
ME: You purposefully destroyed my relationship.
JOAN: Only because I know you can do better.
ME: No, you did it because you can't stand to see me be happy.
JOAN: That's ridiculous. You used to say the same thing when you were little just because you were fat and had low self-esteem.
ME: Paige, give me that box.
I took it, opened the window, and tossed it out.
PAIGE: That was all her breakables.
ME: I'm aware.
Mom got that frantic look in her eye. She was trying to figure out a way to stay.
JOAN: You can't do this. I'm your mother. I--
ME: You're a murderer.
JOAN: It was an accident!
ME: Is that how the police would see it?
JOAN: You two were involved!
Paige and I smiled at each other.
ME: Mom, didn't you notice us putting on gloves before we left with Chris' remains?
Mom's face dropped--might be time for another visit to Dr. Travers.
PAIGE: Looks like I have my room back.
ME: Try not to miss us too much, Mom.
JOAN: Go to hell. Both of you!
She walked out and slammed the door.
Ding Dong...
California Boy
Hi, my name is Ben.
VOICE: Well, hello.
I've been trying to get ahold of Eli since he told me that Taylor was alive, but I hadn't had any luck until--
ELI: Sorry I've been so biz. Life, love, lust, llamas--you know the drill.
ME: Eli, what--llamas?
Nathan was out getting dinner with Jeremy.
Jeremy still isn't speaking to me, but he's just fine and dandy with Nathan. I'm tempted to tell him that Nathan was fully aware that I was trying to break up him and Billy, but my credibility is shot.
I'm only hoping that I don't have to worry about more dead people coming back to life anytime soon.
ME: Eli, when you said Taylor--
ELI: Ugh, so done with him.
ME: Yes, but--
ELI: All he wanted to talk about was you. And call me old-fashioned, but when I'm giving head to a guy, I don't need him talking about one of my friends.
ME: Eli, Taylor's supposed to be dead!
Silence.
ELI: Uh...pardon me?
It was in California. Taylor and I had spiraled completely out of control. We were drunk every night. Other stuff was going down. Taylor was getting into drugs.
One night we went driving and--
Knock, Knock.
ME: Damn, that's probably Nathan. He left his keys here. Hang on a sec--
I opened the door.
ELI: Hanging.
And there was Eli.
VOICE: Well, hello.
I've been trying to get ahold of Eli since he told me that Taylor was alive, but I hadn't had any luck until--
ELI: Sorry I've been so biz. Life, love, lust, llamas--you know the drill.
ME: Eli, what--llamas?
Nathan was out getting dinner with Jeremy.
Jeremy still isn't speaking to me, but he's just fine and dandy with Nathan. I'm tempted to tell him that Nathan was fully aware that I was trying to break up him and Billy, but my credibility is shot.
I'm only hoping that I don't have to worry about more dead people coming back to life anytime soon.
ME: Eli, when you said Taylor--
ELI: Ugh, so done with him.
ME: Yes, but--
ELI: All he wanted to talk about was you. And call me old-fashioned, but when I'm giving head to a guy, I don't need him talking about one of my friends.
ME: Eli, Taylor's supposed to be dead!
Silence.
ELI: Uh...pardon me?
It was in California. Taylor and I had spiraled completely out of control. We were drunk every night. Other stuff was going down. Taylor was getting into drugs.
One night we went driving and--
Knock, Knock.
ME: Damn, that's probably Nathan. He left his keys here. Hang on a sec--
I opened the door.
ELI: Hanging.
And there was Eli.
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Perfect Match
Hi, my name is Davis.
TRAVIS: You wanted to talk?
I'm about to break things off with Travis.
I even brought him to a nice restaurant just in case he decides to kill me.
Don't laugh--he already got rid of Skyler. I'm not really crying any tears over that, but I don't want to be his next pet project.
ME: Travis, I don't think things are working out.
TRAVIS: Oh really? What things?
ME: Me. You. Us. Those things.
TRAVIS: Oh...really?
ME: Yes.
TRAVIS: I disagree.
He took a sip of his water. This is the only man I've ever met who can make sipping look dangerous.
ME: Well, whether you disagree or not--we're over.
Travis raised an eyebrow. I haven't gotten tough with him, because, you know, I like my arms attached to my body.
But I've had enough. It was time for the old Davis to make an appearance at this table.
TRAVIS: You're not going anywhere unless I say you are.
ME: Maybe you've forgotten that I run this town, and you're not the only rich bitch I'm acquainted with, Travis. So when I say I'm going, I'm going.
I stood up and started to walk away.
TRAVIS: Does that protection extend to your friend Jeremy?
I stopped.
TRAVIS: You may be able to keep yourself safe, but can you guarantee that something unfortunate won't happen to him?
I turned around, picked up a knife off the table, and slid my hand underneath the tablecloth so that it was pressing up against Travis' tax exemption.
ME: You stay away from Jeremy.
TRAVIS: Then sit back down and enjoy your meal.
ME: Nobody blackmails me, Travis.
TRAVIS: Blackmail is for poor people. Manipulation is more my style. Now if you don't sit down in the next three seconds, I'll hit a button and Jeremy's going to have a nasty run-in with one of my rich bitch acquaintances.
I sat down. Travis laughed.
TRAVIS: Face it, baby. You've met your match.
For the first time, I feel completely out of control.
TRAVIS: You wanted to talk?
I'm about to break things off with Travis.
I even brought him to a nice restaurant just in case he decides to kill me.
Don't laugh--he already got rid of Skyler. I'm not really crying any tears over that, but I don't want to be his next pet project.
ME: Travis, I don't think things are working out.
TRAVIS: Oh really? What things?
ME: Me. You. Us. Those things.
TRAVIS: Oh...really?
ME: Yes.
TRAVIS: I disagree.
He took a sip of his water. This is the only man I've ever met who can make sipping look dangerous.
ME: Well, whether you disagree or not--we're over.
Travis raised an eyebrow. I haven't gotten tough with him, because, you know, I like my arms attached to my body.
But I've had enough. It was time for the old Davis to make an appearance at this table.
TRAVIS: You're not going anywhere unless I say you are.
ME: Maybe you've forgotten that I run this town, and you're not the only rich bitch I'm acquainted with, Travis. So when I say I'm going, I'm going.
I stood up and started to walk away.
TRAVIS: Does that protection extend to your friend Jeremy?
I stopped.
TRAVIS: You may be able to keep yourself safe, but can you guarantee that something unfortunate won't happen to him?
I turned around, picked up a knife off the table, and slid my hand underneath the tablecloth so that it was pressing up against Travis' tax exemption.
ME: You stay away from Jeremy.
TRAVIS: Then sit back down and enjoy your meal.
ME: Nobody blackmails me, Travis.
TRAVIS: Blackmail is for poor people. Manipulation is more my style. Now if you don't sit down in the next three seconds, I'll hit a button and Jeremy's going to have a nasty run-in with one of my rich bitch acquaintances.
I sat down. Travis laughed.
TRAVIS: Face it, baby. You've met your match.
For the first time, I feel completely out of control.
You've Alive! How Dare You!
Hi, my name is Jeremy.
ME: What the hell were you thinking?
Joey's alive.
JOEY: I was hungry.
I want to kill him.
BILLY: He wasn't asking why you went to the restaurant. He wanted to know why you didn't tell us you were alive.
He did the Joey shrug.
JOEY: There never seemed to be a good time.
I missed that shrug.
All of us had gathered at Ritchie's apartment to welcome Joey back, and by welcome him back, I mean assault him.
JOEY: Ow! Stop slapping me!
NATHAN: You deserve it! How could you lie like that?
ME: Nathan's been in a wheelchair all this time and hurt all this time and--
NATHAN: Okay, maybe lying wasn't SO bad, but--
DAVIS: Or maybe he just wanted to shack up with Ritchie without any of us knowing.
Ritchie stood up.
RITCHIE: Does anyone want chips? What a bad host I've been.
BEN: Sit down, Ritchie. We haven't even gotten to you yet.
JOEY: There's nothing on between Ritchie and me!
RITCHIE: I wouldn't say nothing...
Silence.
RITCHIE: I mean, we worked out a really great chore schedule.
CARTER: So wait, Joey, you're alive?
Everyone started to shout over each other. I held up the conch.
ME: Hold it! First of all, Ritchie, why do you own a conch?
HANK: Do you really want the answer to that question?
ME: Second of all, Joey's back. We should all be happy.
JACKSON: Not until he pays.
ME: Oh, come on, what do you want him to do?
PAIGE: Oooh! This could be like a game!
ADAM: Do I have to be here for this?
DAVIS: Who the hell are you anyway?
More shouting ensued. I went into the kitchen, found a can of whipped cream, walked back into the living room, and sprayed it all over Joey's face.
HANK: Ummm...
ME: There, I feel better. I think I saw chocolate sauce in the fridge if anyone else wants to have a go.
A bottle of mustard, one can of olives, and something that looked like a tuna sandwich later, and we all were feeling pretty good.
JOEY: Am I forgiven now?
ME: No.
But it's a start.
ME: What the hell were you thinking?
Joey's alive.
JOEY: I was hungry.
I want to kill him.
BILLY: He wasn't asking why you went to the restaurant. He wanted to know why you didn't tell us you were alive.
He did the Joey shrug.
JOEY: There never seemed to be a good time.
I missed that shrug.
All of us had gathered at Ritchie's apartment to welcome Joey back, and by welcome him back, I mean assault him.
JOEY: Ow! Stop slapping me!
NATHAN: You deserve it! How could you lie like that?
ME: Nathan's been in a wheelchair all this time and hurt all this time and--
NATHAN: Okay, maybe lying wasn't SO bad, but--
DAVIS: Or maybe he just wanted to shack up with Ritchie without any of us knowing.
Ritchie stood up.
RITCHIE: Does anyone want chips? What a bad host I've been.
BEN: Sit down, Ritchie. We haven't even gotten to you yet.
JOEY: There's nothing on between Ritchie and me!
RITCHIE: I wouldn't say nothing...
Silence.
RITCHIE: I mean, we worked out a really great chore schedule.
CARTER: So wait, Joey, you're alive?
Everyone started to shout over each other. I held up the conch.
ME: Hold it! First of all, Ritchie, why do you own a conch?
HANK: Do you really want the answer to that question?
ME: Second of all, Joey's back. We should all be happy.
JACKSON: Not until he pays.
ME: Oh, come on, what do you want him to do?
PAIGE: Oooh! This could be like a game!
ADAM: Do I have to be here for this?
DAVIS: Who the hell are you anyway?
More shouting ensued. I went into the kitchen, found a can of whipped cream, walked back into the living room, and sprayed it all over Joey's face.
HANK: Ummm...
ME: There, I feel better. I think I saw chocolate sauce in the fridge if anyone else wants to have a go.
A bottle of mustard, one can of olives, and something that looked like a tuna sandwich later, and we all were feeling pretty good.
JOEY: Am I forgiven now?
ME: No.
But it's a start.
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