The Jig Is Up

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: I'm asking you to come home.
ME: There is no home. There's just a prison cell that you and I share.
NATHAN: Ben, please!

Drunk Nathan--the newest fixture in my life. I was out at Prisms for Superhero night with Joey. He was Spiderman, I was Aquaman, and Nathan was Poison Ivy--metaphorically speaking, of course.

NATHAN: I want you to be my boyfriend again!
JOEY: What are you talking about? He is your boyfriend.
NATHAN: No, he's not!

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Davis and Billy coming in dressed like Batman and Robin.

ME: Nathan, you have to get out of here.
NATHAN: Why? Are you waiting for Billy?

Billy heard his name and waved. It only took a second for him to realize something was up.

ME: Nathan, listen to me. We can talk later, but right now, you have to leave.
NATHAN: I'M NOT LEAVING!

Now people were starting to turn and look at us.

ME: Joey, help.
JOEY: Nathan, let's get you home.
ME: To a cold empty sofa bed? I DON'T THINK SO!

Davis and Billy had finally made their way over to us.

This was going to be bad.

BILLY: What's going on?
NATHAN: I'll tell you what's going on.
ME: He's drunk.
NATHAN: But I'm not crazy!

I was contemplating just picking up a glass and breaking it against his forehead.

NATHAN: It's been a lie.
DAVIS: What has?
NATHAN: Ben and I aren't dating anymore. We broke up.
BILLY: When did this happen?
NATHAN: Months ago, Billy! He's only been staying with me this long so that he could create some big break-up where I'd leave him, and you'd feel bad for him, and take him back.
BILLY: WHAT?

Now I was looking for the nearest exit.

NATHAN: And in return, I got to keep the apartment and not look like the loser who got dumped!

Billy's face was a cross between hurt and fury.

BILLY: How could you do this?
ME: I just wanted you back.
JOEY: Oh my God, Ben.
DAVIS: What an asshole.
ME: You should fucking talk, Davis.
DAVIS: What did you say to me?

He came towards me, but Billy got in front of him.

BILLY: Forget it! Let's just go. I don't even want to look at him.

They stared to leave, but I shoved Nathan and ran after them. I managed to grab Billy's arm.

ME: Billy, please--

He turned around.

BILLY: You know what, Ben? I shouldn't have pushed you in front of that car. I should have pushed you in front of a truck.

Pushed me in front of a--

ME: Wait, what?

But then from behind me, I felt Nathan hop onto my back screaming about loving me, and we both went down.

Together.