Monday, February 9, 2009

Citrus and Cyanide

Hi, my name is Hank.

JACKSON:  Then there was a cat fight.
ME:  Shocker.

Jackson and I were out getting dinner at the C-Factory after a long day of classes.  He was recounting the story of Billy's getting drugged and yada yada yada.

JACKSON:  I'm surprised you agreed to come out with me now that you know I'm making a concerted effort to bed you.
ME:  I can be appalled and flattered at the same time.

We toasted to that.

JACKSON:  So, why do you think you got made the number one catch in town?
ME:  Who knows?

Bribery.

ME:  I'm just lucky I guess.
JACKSON:  I don't believe in luck.
ME:  What do you believe in?
JACKSON:  Citrus and cyanide.
ME:  That sounds like a quote from Double Indemnity.
JACKSON:  It just might be.

We toasted again.  I should have been a little bit more careful considering people were getting roofied left and right, but where's the fun in that?

Somehow we wound up in a straight bar on the not-so-nice side of some crummy little suburb of Providence.

After a few more drinks, we drove to a secluded spot looking over yet another suburb of the suburb we were just in, and I realized I was trasssheeed...

ME:  You got me drunk.
JACKSON:  Did I?
ME:  You're still not getting in my pants.
JACKSON:  Oh, come on.  Look where we are.  It's so romantic up here.
ME:  People get killed in slasher movies in places like this.
JACKSON:  Fine.  Get in the car.  We'll head back.
ME:  You're going to kill the mood just like that?
JACKSON:  Some of us have class tomorrow, big boy.
ME:  Ooookay.

I got in the car, and Jackson started it up.  But instead of backing out of our spot, he started to drive forward towards the edge of the cliff.

ME:  Jackson, what are you doing?
JACKSON:  How did you get Number One?
ME:  What?
JACKSON:  Hank, I was born at night, but I wasn't born last night.
ME:  Um, cliff...closer...

We were getting closer to the edge, or maybe not.  It was hard to tell.  I was sooo drunk.

JACKSON:  I went back and looked up past lists.  You've never been on them.  So why now?
ME:  Just luck--
JACKSON:  I told you, I don't believe in luck.
ME:  We're going to die.
JACKSON:  And I don't fear death.
ME:  Please--
JACKSON:  And I always get what I want.
ME:  JACKSON!
JACKSON:  Tell me how you got on that list.

I felt the car's front wheels slip over the edge.

ME:  I KNOW WHO WILDE IS!  I KNOW THE SECRET IDENTITY!

The car stopped.

JACKSON:  Who is it?
ME:  No way am I--

He drove forward another inch, and I yelled out the name.

JACKSON:  Are you serious?
ME:  Yes, I swear.
JACKSON:  Wow.

I was going to make him swear not to say anything, but instead--

ME:  Oh God.

I threw up in his car.

JACKSON:  Still worth it.

I'm screwed.

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