Take a Number

Hi, my name is Jackson.

Knock, knock.

I'm the hottest ticket in town.

ME: Carter, what a surprise.
CARTER: Can I borrow some sugar?
ME: For what?
CARTER: I want to bake muffins.
ME: You bake?
CARTER: Sometimes.

Ohhh, it begins.

ME: You want sex, don't you, Carter?
CARTER: Nooooo.
ME: I'm number one on Wilde's list, and you want to sleep with me because that's the only way you develop any sense of pride in yourself, right?
CARTER: Um...I'm wearing my nicest pair of underwear.
ME: Color?
CARTER: Red.
ME: Step right in.

I led Carter to my bedroom, and told him to hang out there while I refreshed myself.

As soon as he was tucked away, however, there was another knock on the door.

ME: Nathan, what a nice surprise.
NATHAN: Jackson?
ME: How did you guess?
NATHAN: You're wearing brand name clothing, so I knew it wasn't Jeremy.
ME: Good guess.
NATHAN: Is he here?
ME: No, he's out for the night with Skyler. Remember this afternoon at school when he said 'I'm going out tonight with Skyler?'
NATHAN: Oh, right. Well...I was just at home, and bored...
ME: And horned up?
NATHAN: God, yes.
ME: Follow me.

I took Nathan into Jeremy's bedroom.

NATHAN: I don't know if we should. Jeremy might be angry.
ME: He won't know.
NATHAN: Jackson--
ME: You could always leave.
NATHAN: Hey, don't be a bitch.
ME: I'm number one, remember? Strip down to your...?
NATHAN: Cotton boxers.
ME: Lame. Jeremy should have a pair of blue boxer briefs Davis bought him for his birthday in his drawer.
NATHAN: How do you--
ME: I fold all his laundry. You think he's bad at dressing; you should see his folding.
NATHAN: Jackson, I'm not wearing your brother's--
ME: Hey, I have Carter in the next room waiting. Move it or lose it.
NATHAN: Hahaha...

Oh good. He thought I was kidding.

ME: I'll be back after I've freshened up.

I closed the door and headed back to the bathroom when there was--you guessed it--another knock on the door.

ME: Eli, what a nice surprise.
ELI: I'm drunk.
ME: How do you feel about sex in the shower?
ELI: Loves it.
ME: Excellent. Get the water running. I'll be right in.

He headed off the bathroom while I called Hank.

HANK: So let me get this straight. You went crazy trying to get me, and now you have me, and you're letting me go?
ME: I'm all about the chase, pumpkin. I thought you'd figure that out on your own.
HANK: Fine, but what makes you so sure you're going to get someone else?
ME: Oh, I don't think that'll be a problem. I am number one after all.
HANK: Only because you blackmailed Wilde.
ME: Hang on, I think I hear my pot boiling over. I might need to borrow your kettle.
HANK: I hate you.
ME: You're lousy in bed.
HANK: YOU MISERABLE--

Click.

Okay, let's see what's behind door number one.

The Punch

Hi, my name is Ben.

JEREMY: Are you here to torment me?
ME: Are we still pretending we didn't make out in the elevator?
JEREMY: Just come in, please.

I went to Jeremy's apartment. I'd been worried about him since the debacle at Joey's memorial. Everyone had been giving him a hard time, and before the incident during the storm, I would have gladly joined in with everyone else.

But now...

ME: Where's Jackson?
JEREMY: At Hank's.
ME: They're still...?
JEREMY: Yup.
ME: And you're still...?
JEREMY: Creeped out by it? Yes. My brother has hooked up with everyone but you at this point.
ME: I've still got time.

He hit me in the shoulder.

ME: I was kidding.
JEREMY: Just because he's not here doesn't mean I want to talk about the elevator thing.
ME: Can you believe we have something between us called the elevator thing?
JEREMY: There is nothing between us, Ben, except mutual hatred.
ME: Yeahhh, I don't buy that.
JEREMY: Why not?
ME: That make-out session was amazing.
JEREMY: We were stuck in an elevator we thought was going to plummet thereby sending us to our deaths. It's fair to say we weren't thinking straight.
ME: We definitely weren't thinking straight.

It was only then that I noticed Jeremy was wearing a muscle shirt and gym shorts.

ME: What were you doing in here?
JEREMY: Did you not notice the punching bag?

It was then that I noticed the punching bag.

ME: You box?
JEREMY: No, Laurie, I do not. Boxing implies technique. I just punch this thing when I want to blow off steam.

He hit the bag a few times.

ME: I know everyone's been giving you a hard time, but--
JEREMY: I don't care. They'll get over it. Davis and Billy already have.
ME: That's funny. Are they over themselves yet?
JEREMY: No. As a matter of fact, they're now officially boyfriends.
ME: Are you kidding me?

I knew Davis and Billy had been shacking up, and truth be told, I still wasn't over Billy enough to be okay with that, but I never thought it would get to this level.

For one thing, Davis hates commitment.

ME: They told you about this themselves?
JEREMY: Yes, and I gave them my blessing because we're all mature adults who make mature decisions, and then we all went out to a club and everybody got shitfaced.
ME: We all?
JEREMY: The three of us, plus Ritchie, plus Eli, plus Carter--he was working--
ME: Hookering?
JEREMY: Shotboying.
ME: Same difference. Go on.
JEREMY: Hank, Nathan, Jackson, and Skyler.
ME: Skyler? The community theater guy?
JEREMY: Yup.
ME: Why was he there?
JEREMY: Because I invited him.
ME: I'm sorry. Do you LIKE him?
JEREMY: Yes, I do.

I noticed Jeremy's punching was getting more intense.

ME: Bullshit.
JEREMY: I do! He's nice to me. It's a great change of pace.
ME: Fine, so like him.
JEREMY: I will.
ME: Even though you like me more.

He stopped punching.

JEREMY: Excuse me?
ME: You know you do.
JEREMY: I loathe you.
ME: You want me.
JEREMY: You repulse me.
ME: I drive you crazy.
JEREMY: By refusing to throw yourself off a bridge? Yes. We're agreed on that.

I walked around the punching bag, and looked him in the eye.

ME: I know you're still in love with Billy. I might be too. Maybe we can help each other.
JEREMY: I'm not in love with Billy anymore.
ME: I tell myself the same thing.

Jeremy started to punch again. I had to dodge a bit to avoid getting hit.

ME: How long is Jackson gone for?
JEREMY: All night. He stays at Hank's now.
ME: So let's do it.
JEREMY: Do what?
ME: See what this is.
JEREMY: This isn't anything, Ben. It's nothing.
ME: At worst, it'll be hate sex, and it'll probably still be the best sex of your life.
JEREMY: Please. You're hairy, you have droopy eyes, and you make weird jaw movements from time to time. At best, it would be sex with Bigfoot.

I grabbed him and pulled him into me.

JEREMY: Ben, stop.
ME: C'mon, just relax.
JEREMY: Ben, I'm warning you.
ME: Just go with it.
JEREMY: Ben--

There was a knock on the door, and Jeremy jerked sideways, sending his arm flying up, and socking me right in the face.

I fell to the ground, and felt blood come pouring out of my nose.

JEREMY: I TOLD YOU!
ME: Who the hell is that?
JEREMY: I don't know! Hang on.
ME: Does it look like I'm going anywhere?

He left, and then came back with--yup--Skyler.

SKYLER: Hey, sorry. I thought I would surprise you.
ME: Oh, it was a surprise.
SKYLER: Were you guys fighting?
JEREMY: Yes, but now everything's fine.
ME: Except my nose.
JEREMY: Well it can't get any more crooked. Maybe it's straight now. That'll be three hundred dollars.

Skyler went to the kitchen and came with paper towels.

ME: How nice to meet a gentleman.
JEREMY: Ben, you should go.
SKYLER: Yeah, otherwise he might break your arm.
JEREMY: Hahaha--yeah, but I might. No joke.
ME: Fine.

I stood up, still holding the paper towel to my nose.

ME: But can I just tell you something, Jeremy?
JEREMY: Skyler, can you--?
SKYLER: I'll look for something else in the kitchen that can absorb blood.

He left and I looked at Jeremy. Still undaunted.

ME: I could get him, you know.
JEREMY: In your dreams.
ME: I got Billy.
JEREMY: Billy was a kid.
ME: So you were a pedophile?
JEREMY: I wanted to protect him from you.
ME: So you have a savior complex?
JEREMY: Get out.
ME: You don't need to save me.
JEREMY: No, but somebody should.
ME: I could get Skyler, then leave him, and you'd be free again.
JEREMY: I'd really punch you then, and hard.

I walked up to him so that our eyes were just inches apart.

ME: Free to be with me.
JEREMY: You know, I kind of like the smell of your bood.
ME: Kinky.
JEREMY: I might want more. So leave.
ME: Fine.

I walked away, yelling behind me--

ME: Kiss, kiss.

And started thinking of how to win a boy like Skyler.

The New Boyfriend

Hi, my name is Davis.

BILLY:  Hey Birthday Boy.

God, he's sexy.

Billy had stopped by my place before the festivities at the club.  It was going to be everyone's first time out since Joey's passing, and I wanted us to celebrate tonight after so much mourning.

BILLY:  I have to talk to you.

So much for the celebration.

We sat down on my couch, and Billy took my hands in his.  I was terrified that he was going to propose marriage or tell me that he used to be a woman.

BILLY:  I want us to be boyfriends.

God, it's worse than I thought.

ME:  And...why...do you...feel that way?

BILLY:  We've been having sex for quite some time, and I'd like to not feel like a whore about it anymore.

ME:  You've been feeling like a whore?

BILLY:  Davis, I can't just have a sexual relationship with someone if there isn't some depth to it.  There needs to be a commitment.  I'm not, you know...?

ME:  Me?

BILLY:  Exactly.

My first response was to say 'No,' obviously.  But then I thought about it.

It's my birthday.

I'm not getting any younger.

Recent events have shown that life can really be way too short.

And I really, really, really like sex with Billy.

He's so young and so inexperienced.

The temptation to be Mickey Rourke to his Kim Bassinger was just too great.

ME:  Fine.

BILLY:  Fine?

ME:  Fantastically fine.  We can be boyfriends.  Happy birthday to me.

BILLY:  Awesome!

There was a knock on the door.

I smiled at Billy, but as soon as my back was turned to him, my face went into instant panic alert, which wasn't good, since Jeremy was there when I opened the door.

JEREMY:  Why do you look like you just left a baby on top of a car?

Damn him.

ME:  Considering you're lucky to be going tonight--

JEREMY:  You're going to stand in judgment of me?  Please!  With Lolita sitting on your couch?

BILLY:  If you recall, you used to be the Humbert Humbert to my Lolita.

ME:  Who's Mickey Rourke in that scenario?

JEREMY:  Good to know your relationship has evolved into an intellectual kinship.

I ushered Jeremy in and shut the door.  I could just hear the nail going into the coffin.

BILLY:  Actually--

There it is.

BILLY:  Davis and I have decided to become exclusive.

That word is like a slap across the face.

JEREMY:  Exclusive?

Slap.

BILLY:  That's right.  Exclusive.

Slap.

JEREMY:  Like EXCLUSIVE exclusive?

ME:  YES!  Yes!  Just like that.

Jeremy looked like someone had shot him.  He sat down on the couch.  Now I saw my way out.  If he objected strongly I'd have to reneg on what I told Billy.  I couldn't break my best friend's heart like this, even after all we'd been through over the past few months.

JEREMY:  I'm happy for you.

ME:  You're--WHAT?

JEREMY:  What can I say?  You're the two people I care about most in the world.  If this is what you want, then great.

BILLY:  Wow.  I didn't think you'd take it so well.

JEREMY:  After everything that's happened, I just don't see how I can say anything.

ME:  But if you could say something, what would it be?

JEREMY:  Davis, it doesn't matter.  It's your birthday.  I love you.  And I'm proud of you.  Usually every year you make out with at least ten guys and bring at least three home.

ME:  Yes...Yes, I do.

JEREMY:  And now you're only going home with Billy.

Fuck me.

JEREMY:  I can't think of any better guy to go home with than him.

I saw Jeremy looking at Billy, and Billy looking back at him, and I could see these two weren't done.  All I had to do was get them back together, and that would get Billy away from me.

I just had to think.

VOICE:  Hello?

But before I could--

BILLY:  Skyler?

Skyler was in the doorway.

SKYLER:  Jeremy gave me the address.

ME:  Why did you do that?

JEREMY:  He's my date.

BILLY and ME:  Your what?

JEREMY:  To the club tonight.  We got to talking when I ran into him at a coffeehouse last week, and I thought it might be nice if he hung out with us.

SKYLER:  Unless you'd rather I'd not.

I could see the jealously burning in Billy's eyes.  If I could keep stoking that fire, he'd crack and admit that he wanted Jeremy back.

ME:  I think it's a great idea.

BILLY:  Yeah, super.

JEREMY:  Great.  Let's get a move on.

Jeremy and Skyler headed out the door, but Billy stopped in the doorway and turned to me.

BILLY:  I'm so glad I made an honest man out of you.

ME:  I'm so glad to be honest.

In my mind, I was thinking of all the places in Prisms I could sneak off to if I met a cute boy.

Hey, it's not cheating if you know the relationship is on the rocks.

They Were You

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

BEN:  Does anybody want to say anything?

We were having a private good-bye to Joey at a park on the East Side overlooking Providence.  His body was sent back to his home and Florida, and none of us were going to be able to afford to fly down there for the funeral.

The toxicology reports had shown that whatever drug Joey was given messed with an undiagnosed heart condition, causing him to go into cardiac arrest.

It had been over a month since all that happened, but it wasn't until yesterday that anybody thought to do something with just the nine of us.

Strike that, the ten of us.

RITCHIE:  I don't know what to say.

Ritchie came back from New Hampshire when he heard what happened.  Nobody had been able to get in touch with Bart though, and Cal was still missing.

CARTER:  Maybe somebody should sing.

JACKSON:  For the love of God, do you people always have to sing?

HANK:  Joey loved musicals.  It would be appropriate.

DAVIS:  I'm not singing.  I'll hum, but I'm not singing.

BILLY:  Davis, c'mon.

DAVIS:  It wouldn't be remembering Joey's memory.  Me singing would sound like slaughtering a cow.

RITCHIE:  He's not kidding.  I've done karaoke with him.

I had pretty much let my fight with Davis and Billy drop.  We'd all forgotten about whatever was bothering us before...all this.

NATHAN:  I think singing something would be nice.

BEN:  What should we sing?

ME:  Would anyone have any objections to 'They Were You?'

Nobody said anything.

ME:  Go ahead, Billy.

He looked at me, smiled, then began.

BILLY:  When the moon was young, when the month was May...

Later on, when we were walking back to our cars, I yelled--

ME:  Stop!

Everyone turned and looked at me.

ME:  I lied.  I lied when I went to New York.  All I did was lie.

HANK:  Lie about what?

ME:  I told everyone there...It's so hard.  It's so hard, and you don't realize it until you're surrounded by people asking you about yourself.  And they're all so fantastic.  They're all so impressive.  And you're not impressive at all.  You haven't done anything, but fall in love with people who don't love you back, but then they do, but...uh...

I could see that I just had to come out and say it.

ME:  I told them your stories.  All your stories.

BEN:  What stories?

ME:  Sex on the washing machine.

RITCHIE:  Oh, that story.

DAVIS:  You did what?

ME:  Oh, and the futon story.

CARTER:  That was me.

ME:  The threeway story minus the futon.

CARTER:  That was me, too.

RITCHIE:  And me.

ME:  All of the stories.  But I made them about me.

I just substituted the names.  All the New York boys thought everything I said was hysterical and fascinating.  I couldn't believe that they would care as much if they knew all that stuff had just happened to my friends.

ME:  Then Ray went and googled 'Providence' and 'gays' and he found Wilde's website.  He found some of the stories, and he saw that they didn't happen to me.  He liked me, despite the lying, so he was going to blackmail me into staying in New York and being his--whatever.  It was late August by then, so I didn't wait for him to expose me.  I just came home.

Nobody could look at me.

ME:  I'm so sorry.

ELI:  Are you really?  Or is that just another lie?

ME:  Eli--

NATHAN:  Let's just go.

CARTER:  Leave it to Jeremy to make it all about him.

ME:  That's not what--

DAVIS:  Just stop, Jeremy.  Okay?  Just stop.

BILLY:  I want to go home.

JACKSON:  That's a great idea.

HANK:  Can I ride with you guys?  I don't feel like riding with Mr. Big Apple.

They all took off.  Ritchie was the only one to stay behind.

ME:  You're not going to abandon me?

RITCHIE:  They're all just hurt.  They'll get over it.

ME:  I didn't even think it was that bad.  I just thought it was humiliating.

RITCHIE:  Jeremy, you all have a pretty sick little circle going here.  But at least you stay inside the circle.  What you did...It was a breach of trust.

ME:  Because I spilled some secrets?

RITCHIE:  They weren't yours to spill, let alone take on as identity.

He started walking towards his car.  I took the phone out of my pocket--the one Joey had on him the night he died.  The doctor had given it to Eli, who gave it to me.  He thought it would have Joey's Mom's number in it.

Nobody had asked for it since.

I didn't know what to do with it, so I was just going to toss it into some of the bushes in the park, when I felt a hand grab my arm.

RITCHIE:  Look, just because I was harsh with you doesn't mean you have to destroy a perfectly good phone.

ME:  It's Joey's.  You want it?  Take it.

I gave it to him and started to walk off.

RITCHIE:  Hey Jeremy!

I turned around.  He was holding the phone.  It was open, and he looked like he was reading something--maybe a text message.

ME:  What?

RITCHIE:  Um, never mind.  I'll just...I'll handle this myself.

ME:  Okay.

I turned around and kept walking.

The Last of Us

Hi, my name is Eli.

JEREMY:  Thank God you brought him when you did.

I just saved Joey's life.

He passed out at the restaurant, and no ambulance could get to us.  So, I drove him through the Mississippi river that currently is downtown Providence.  I drove him right to Providence Hospital and carried him into the Emergency Room myself.

The boys showed up a few hours later.

DAVIS:  Have they said what's wrong with him?

ME:  No, not yet.  I had to tell them I was his brother just to get any information out of them.

BILLY:  But he was definitely drugged?

ME:  Absolutely.

BEN:  But who would have drugged him?  He was with you all night.

ME:  I don't know!

They were starting to get under my skin.  It was clear they thought that I had something to do with Joey passing out at the IHOP.

NATHAN:  We're all just nervous.  It's natural.

JEREMY:  Nothing has been natural about tonight.

DAVIS:  Amen to that.

JEREMY:  Oh shut up, Davis.

DAVIS:  I was waiting for you to get mad at me.

BILLY:  Now is not the time.

JEREMY:  I agree.  You're both dead to me.  We'll just leave it at that.

NATHAN:  Jeremy, can't you just--

BEN:  Don't, Nathan.

NATHAN:  Excuse me?

BEN:  Just leave him alone.

Ben standing up for Jeremy?  It really has been a crazy night.

A few minutes later, Hank and Jackson showed up.

ME:  Did you two come together?

JACKSON:  Hank picked me up.

NATHAN:  Do you not hate each other anymore either?  Because that seems to be a trend.

HANK:  We're just decided to be adults.

DAVIS:  Have fun with that.

We heard someone clear their throat, and saw the doctor standing next to us.

DOCTOR:  Eli, your brother...uh...should we talk in private?

I looked at the CBQ's.

ME:  They're family, too.

NATHAN:  We're all Joey's family.

ME:  Is he okay?

The doctor looked down at his chart.

DOCTOR:  He's gone.

I felt my heart drop.

DAVIS:  What do you mean he's gone?

DOCTOR:  His heart gave out, and we lost him.  I'm so sorry.

I didn't listen to the rest of what he said.  I didn't notice when Nathan started to cry, or when Jeremy and Billy let him fall into their arms.

The only thing I remember is walking outside, and for the first time in twenty-four hours, feeling the sun on my face.

What Needs to Be Done

Hi, my name is Hank.

WILDE: This can't continue.

Wilde called me as soon as I got home. I was going to just fall into my bed and pass out, but the most infamous man in Providence had other plans.

ME: So you didn't get washed out in the storm?
WILDE: You can't kill me, Hank. Luckily, that's not true of everyone.
ME: Uh...
WILDE: Jackson's been blackmailing me.
ME: He's good at that.
WILDE: You told him who I am.
ME: I had no choice!
WILDE: Well now you have to fix what you broke.
ME: How?

I heard a silence on the other line.

WILDE: He has to go.
ME: But nobody's been able to get him to leave. Even Jeremy's stopped trying.
WILDE: Then maybe you should back him into a corner for a change.
ME: But--
WILDE: Or off a cliff.

I thought he was kidding, then I remembered that Wilde doesn't kid.

ME: You can't really be asking me to do this.
WILDE: If you don't, I will, but if I have to, you'll be next on the list.
ME: I--
WILDE: Just do it.

He hung up. Just then, there was a knock on my door.

In a daze, I walked over and opened it.

ME: Speak of the devil.

Jackson was standing there, smiling.

ME: Aren't you exhausted?
JACKSON: Natural disasters turn me on, and I knew you'd still be up.
ME: Have you forgotten that I hate you?
JACKSON: Hate sex is the best kind. Don't you know that?

He waltzed into my apartment. I realized that I would have to get him to trust me if I was going to get rid of him.

JACKSON: So are you going to turn me down again? Because I ran into your neighbor jogging downstairs and he's not half bad--
ME: Shut up.
JACKSON: What?

I walked over to him, scooped him up, and started walking him to the bedroom.

JACKSON: Hank, oh my. What changed your mind?
ME: A boy's gotta do, what a boy's gotta do.

I guess this is what they call taking one for the team.

Aren't We A Pair?

Hi, my name is Joey.

ELI:  If I die with you, I'm pretty sure we have to spend eternity together.

. . . . .

ME:  HELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

Eli and I had been walking for hours, because we had driven to the club in Nathan's car and now it was nowhere to be found.  Either it had been washed away during the storm, or he had managed to save Carter and get him home safely.

So yeah, washed away, I'm guessing.

ELI:  Where are we walking to?

ME:  The IHOP.

ELI:  Why?

ME:  Because it's 5am, life sucks, and the world is a horrible place.  That means we have to go to the IHOP.  It's the only thing that makes sense anymore.

We were reached the international place of breakfast a half hour later.  The line wasn't as long as it normally is, because half the city was still dealing with the storm's aftermath.

It had been the longest we'd gone without fighting since Eli sabotaged my show, but both of us were so tired, nothing seemed to matter aside from eating scrambled eggs and being sullen.

After we were seated, I used the men's room, and then came back and sat down.

VOICE:  Oh great.

We looked over to see Skyler sitting at the table across from us with some girl.

SOME GIRL:  Who are they?

SKYLER:  They're the bitches who ruined my show.

ELI:  Beg your pardon?

SKYLER:  I was hoping you two got lost in the flood.

ME:  Um, we almost did.

ELI:  Apparently you didn't.

SKYLER:  I don't club in Providence.  That's so spesh.

ME:  Spesh?

SOME GIRL:  Special--for special people.

ELI:  Who's that?  Your familiar?

SKYLER:  So are you two dating or something?

ELI:  Ewwwww!

ME:  Uggghhhh.

ELI:  I know.

ME:  No, ugghhh.

My head was starting to spin.  I couldn't seem to keep my focus on anything.

SKYLER:  Joey, what's wrong?

ME:  I...uh...

SOME GIRL:  Did he have anything to drink tonight?

SKYLER:  That Phantom Roofier is still out there.

ME:  I didn't have anything to drink.  I only had water just--

Then I realized that I had just had the water that the waitress brought.  And Eli was the only one still sitting at the table.

I looked at him, and he seemed to have a...cruel expression on his face.

Could he be...?

ELI:  Trying to steal the show again, huh?

Oh God...

I fell down onto the floor and felt my eyes closing as someone called for an ambulance.  I knew there was no way an ambulance was getting there with the city in its current condition.

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw another familiar face.

ME:  Cal?

And it was gone.

Jumping the Shark

Hi, my name is Billy.

DAVIS: Well that was...
ME: Yeah.
DAVIS: Whoa.
ME: Yeah.
DAVIS: Are you--?
ME: I'm fine.

I'm so more than fine.

I just slept with John Davis.

I...just...slept...with JOHN DAVIS!

DAVIS: So do you--
ME: WE JUST HAD SEX!
DAVIS: Uh...yes we did.
ME: I was just...saying.

We were both lying on his couch--we never made it to his bed--covered by nothing but our coats and a copy of Details magazine.

DAVIS: Not a bad way to wait out a storm.
ME: There's a storm?
DAVIS: Billy--
ME: I'm sorry. I'm not even sure where I am right now.
DAVIS: Now I know how Ben is in bed.
ME: Hahaha--it's like the difference between aged Gouda and Velveeta.
DAVIS: Wow, thank you. I've never been called Gouda before.

He smiled and kissed me on the lips. My whole body was tingling. I was about to suggest we go for another round when my cell phone rang.

I was going to ignore it, but I was a little worried about everyone still out in the storm.

ME: It's Nathan.
DAVIS: Answer it. Just try not to sound like you just got done doing what we were doing.
ME: No problem.

I answered.

NATHAN'S VOICE: Hello?
ME: HEY!

Davis covered my mouth, glared at me, and then took his hand away.

NATHAN: Uh...Billy?
ME: Sorry, hey. I'm here. Hanging out. Just hanging.
NATHAN: Great. You need to get to Jeremy's apartment.
ME: Why?
NATHAN: Jeremy and Ben are trapped in the elevator.
ME: How long have they been trapped?
DAVIS: Trapped? Who's trapped?
ME: Jeremy and Ben.
NATHAN: Oh, also, I scaled a building and pushed that guy Adam off the top of Prisms into a river in order to stop him from killing Carter.
ME: Oh...uh...okay.
DAVIS: What did he say?
ME: He jumped the shark.
DAVIS: Gotcha.

Davis and I got dressed and drove to Jeremy's building. The flooding was starting to subside, but it still took us a good half hour to get there.

Jackson, Hank, Nathan, and Carter were already there in the lobby with some electricians.

JACKSON: Look who decided to show up.
ME: Why are you covered in dust?
HANK: He jumped over some active electrical wires, I caught him, and we both fell through the floor into an old lady's apartment.
DAVIS: So you jumped the shark?
HANK: Pretty much.

I was hoping nobody would ask what Davis and I had been doing all night.

NATHAN: Has anybody talked to Jeremy and Ben?
JACKSON: I don't think their cell phones are getting any service.
CARTER: Is there a phone in the elevator?
HANK: The electricians said it was out of order.
DAVIS: How long have they been trapped in there?
JACKSON: Most of the night.
CARTER: Oh my God. What if one of them ate the other?
HANK: They're both twinks. It'd be like eating a hundred calorie pack.

Finally, the electricians managed to get the elevator working, and a minute later the door opened.

Jeremy and Ben were sitting on opposite sides of the elevator looking like they'd just been through war.

DAVIS: Jeremy, are you okay?

Jeremy stood up, helped Ben up, and the two of them walked out of the elevator. Then Jeremy looked at me, then at Davis, and said--

JEREMY: You slept together.
DAVIS: What?
JEREMY: You two slept together!
JACKSON: They did what?
DAVIS: How did you know that?
JEREMY: It's written all over their faces!
ME: Oh my God.
CARTER: Actually, I think he's right.
DAVIS: Yes, he's right, we did. I'm sorry, but you asked me not to, so what did you think I was going to do?
JEREMY: I don't believe this! First my brother, now Billy--
JACKSON: God, I'm in such bad company.
NATHAN: Guys, we have bigger issues at hand. We still haven't heard from Joey and Eli.
BEN: FUCK JOEY AND ELI!

Everyone turned and looked at Ben.

BEN: I'm tired. My hair gel has crusted over into a shellacked monstrosity. And I considered eating my lip balm just a few minutes ago. I'm going home, and you can all have your catty little fight without me.

With that, Ben walked out of the lobby.

Jeremy turned and looked at me.

JEREMY: Don't ever speak to me again.

And I said--

ME: Done.

And it was done.

Jeremy walked out, the boys went looking for Joey and Eli, and Davis stayed behind with me. He put his arm around me, and we walked back to his car.

It felt good, and scary, and upsetting, and exhilarating.

I felt like my life had just jumped the shark.

So where do we go from here?

The Nutcracker

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JOEY: Nathan, are you okay?

I don't remember much.

When I woke up, I was being carried by Joey across what looked like a small river.

ELI: Is he awake yet?

Eli was right behind us. That's when I remembered--

ME: Carter! That guy Adam took him!
JOEY: So that's where he went!
ME: Where are we going?
ELI: The roof of Prisms was full, so Joey went upstairs, grabbed you, and we floated down the block on a cardboard cut-out of Sheila E that somebody had left over from 80's night.
JOEY: We hit dry land a few blocks ago.
ME: Hang on! We have to go back and get Carter.
ELI: No way! He can handle himself. It's not like he's going anywhere.
JOEY: Not unless he can find a cardboard cut-out of Cyndi Lauper.

I shrugged Joey off of me and started walking back towards Prisms.

ELI: Nathan! Why are you doing this? You don't even like Carter that much!

The truth is, I really don't. But after the year I've had, I haven't been feeling too good about myself as a person, and I thought this might be an opportunity to do something good.

I ran so that Joey and Eli wouldn't follow me, but when I got near Prisms, I was stuck. All the streets leading to it were downhill, which meant that water was pretty much being poured on top of it. The roof was filled with people waiting for rescue.

That's when I saw Carter--dangling over the edge.

Adam was holding him by his legs, and was screaming something at him. People kept trying to grab at Adam, but it looked like he had a knife or something, so they weren't able to get too close.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do until I noticed the water was flowing right by the fire escape attached to the building.

Then--still not sure this wasn't going to get me killed--I jumped into the water and started wading towards the club. Pretty soon, I was taken away with the current, and managed to get close enough to the fire escape to grab the bottom end of the ladder and pull myself up.

I knew I was going to end up right behind Adam, and he was busy looking at the people on the other side of him. I didn't know if it was a smart idea to just bumrush him, so I pulled a Nutcracker.

I took off shoe and threw it at his head.

It probably wouldn't have done much damage if he had been expecting it, but it clocked him right in the eye, and he dropped his knife--and Carter.

A few guys ran to the edge and grabbed Carter's legs. I ran right at Adam and plowed into him--knocking him off the roof, and into the water two stories down.

Carter was a bit shaken up, but someone was at least nice enough to loan him some clothes.

CARTER: I think maybe I should ask to wear a uniform from now on.
ME: You're a shotboy, Carter. You're in your uniform.

He laughed.

CARTER: Nathan, you saved my life.
ME: Yeah, I was going to be humble about it, but I really did.
CARTER: And I think you killed Adam.
ME: As long as he landed the right way, he'll be fine. He probably just got swept away to South Providence or something.
CARTER: Or the jewelry district.

Little did we know, he hadn't wound up in either place, and that wasn't the last we were going to be hearing of Mr. Setter.

The Hurricane Party

Hi, my name is Carter.

JOEY:  Where is everyone?

I'm living in a misnomer.

ME:  Well, it's not really a hurricane.

NATHAN:  Yeah, but Hurricane Party still sounds better than Heavy Rain party.

ELI:  OMG!  New nickname--Heavy Rain.

JOEY:  With possible herpes.

ELI:  HEY!

Joey and Eli were still fighting over the sabotaged show.

NATHAN:  I know Hank wasn't going to come, but then he changed his mind when his Dad let him use the Super Trooper, so he was going to go pick up Jeremy and Jackson.

JOEY:  I thought Ben was going to pick up Jeremy and Jackson?

ME:  We haven't heard from anybody.  Should we be worried?

Pause.

ELI:  Nah, they're big boys.  What's the worst they could have gotten themselves into?

NATHAN:  That's one line for the disaster movie trailer.

ME:  Sorry guys, but I have to jet too.  It's time to work.

NATHAN:  You mean time to get naked?

ME:  Demi-naked, thank you.

ELI:  Is that like Demi Moore?

JOEY:  Vaya con dios, Carter.

The party was surprisingly poppin' considering how bad it was outside.  I was making cracklin' money when I noticed someone tappin' on my shoulde'.

VOICE:  We meet again.

I turned around and nearly walked right into Adam Setter.

ME:  Oh, heeeeeey.

ADAM:  Don't hey me you little drink.

ME:  Drink?

ADAM:  Drunken twink.  God, don't you read blogs?

ME:  Nooo.

ADAM:  You left me passed out in a hotel hot tub.

ME:  You roofied me!

ADAM:  If I roofied you, then why was I unconscious?

ME:  Maybe you thought you were taking ecstasy and took that instead?

ADAM:  Either way, I could have died.  You just left me there.

ME:  I got scared.

Adam came towards me.

ADAM:  You think you were scared then?  You should really be scared now.

He went to grab me, but I threw my tray of drinks at him and ran towards the stairs, colliding with Nathan.

NATHAN:  Carter, what's the matter?

ME:  I ran into Adam.  He's pissed.

NATHAN:  Oh great.

That was when the lights went out.

NATHAN:  What did Eli say about--?

He couldn't finish his sentence, because the sprinklers went off.

NATHAN:  Yeah, that.

I felt a hand grab me, so I booked it--taking Nathan's hand and dragging him along.  We ran upstairs and smack into Eli.

ELI:  You guys we have to get out of here!

ME:  I know!  I'm being chased by the most important club promoter in town!

NATHAN:  He wants to make Carter his houseboy.

ELI:  WHATEVER!  The dance floor has a dip in it.  If the sprinklers don't stop, the whole place is going to become a giant swimming pool!

We looked down, and sure enough there was already a foot of water on the floor.  Then we saw two guys going to open the downstairs double doors.

NATHAN:  Oh, thank God.

As soon as the doors were open, a huge wave of water came pouring into the club.

ELI:  I think I heard something about downtown being flooded!

ME:  It must have hit the club district.

NATHAN:  So how are we getting out of here?

Some guy ran by us and yelled that we all needed to get to the roof.

ELI:  Great idea.

NATHAN:  Wait, where's Joey?

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of green in the new downstairs Prism swimming pool.

ME:  Joey's down there!

NATHAN:  Holy--

ME:  I have to go get him!

NATHAN:  You can't!  Adam's down there!

ELI:  Ugh, this calls for Eli.

He took off his shirt, handed it to me, and jumped off the railing.

NATHAN:  I'd go after him, but he was the one who said worse things could--

That was when the bottle came down on top of Nathan's head.  He fell down onto the floor.  Adam was standing behind him.

ADAM:  You're coming with me.

At that moment, all I could think of was--

I really shouldn't have worn my white underwear.

Rescue Me

Hi, my name is Jackson.

ME:  Does anyone care that I'm about to die?

I can be a little dramatic sometimes.

My brother and I were doing a little housework when a giant pole came barreling through his bedroom window with handy dandy deadly electrical wires attached.

ME:  This shit is only supposed to happen in later seasons of bad Aaron Spelling dramas!

It's quite sad when your own life has jumped the shark.

VOICE:  Hello?

ME:  HELP!  I'M IN HERE!

Wow, and it only took Jeremy two hours to get help.  I haven't had this much adrenaline running through me for this long since that camping trip with the boy who looked like Justin Chatwin.

ME:  WHOEVER YOU ARE, I LOVE YOU!

Hank appeared in the doorway.

ME:  'Love' might be a bit strong.

HANK:  How did this happen?

ME:  Your prayers were answered, Hank.  God wants me dead.

HANK:  I want you dead!  You stole my blackmail!

ME:  I'm not sure that sentence works.

HANK:  Wilde just posted a revised hook-up list.  You're number one now.

What?  You thought I was going to let Hank stay number one once I knew Wilde's identity?  Have you never heard the phrase 'Two gays can play that game?'

ME:  I'm really sorry, Hank, but I'm also in peril.

HANK:  I can see that.

ME:  Are you going to go get help?

HANK:  I'm thinking about it.

ME:  Did you at least run into Jeremy?

HANK:  Should I have?

ME:  I sent him out of here two hours ago!

HANK:  Maybe he's on the stairs.  The elevator is broken.

ME:  Or maybe he's on the elevator, you idiot!

HANK:  You're not helping your case here.

He opened his arms and braced himself.

ME:  What are you doing?

HANK:  I need you to jump into my arms.

ME:  Like Hell I am!

HANK:  Jackson, unless you want to risk one of those wires getting blown over to your side of this room, then I would jump.

ME:  And if I land on the wires?

HANK:  I'll stretch my arms out so that you only need to jump a little bit and I'll pull you the rest of the way.

ME:  How do you know you can do that?

HANK:  I've been the strong ensemble guy in at least eight musicals.  If I can lift up Sherry St. Cloud in Kiss Me, Kate, I can pull you over to me.

All of a sudden, I felt so tired.  The wind and rain was blowing into the room.  I was soaking wet and my brother was probably trapped in the elevator.

Then I remembered--

ME:  You didn't run into Ben either, did you?

HANK:  Again, why would I--

ME:  Oh my God!  Ben and Jeremy are trapped in the elevator together!

HANK:  Are you serious?

ME:  They'll kill each other!

HANK:  JUMP NOW!

I leapt up and felt Hank's arms grab me as we both fell back and landed on the floor.

ME:  Wow, I'm alive.

That was when the floor gave way and I felt us both drop down a level and land on a couch.  I looked up to see Mrs. Critzy sitting in her armchair with her cat.

ME:  You really do plan on dying in this apartment, don't you, Critzy?

MRS. CRITZY:  My Ditty didn't feel like leaving.

HANK:  I hope she's talking about her cat.

One CBQ saved, another two to go.

Going Down

Hi, my name is Ben.

JEREMY:  We're going to die.

This is not how I'm going to die.

Trapped in an elevator with my sworn enemy wearing my 2nd cutest pair of underwear and enough gel in my hair to solidify the Pacific.

ME:  We'll be fine.  We just have to wait until the power comes back on.

JEREMY:  Considering a pole with power lines just went through my bedroom window, I doubt that's going to happen anytime soon.

I could see that Jeremy was worried about Jackson.  He didn't have his cell phone on him and mine didn't get any service in the elevator, so for all we knew, Jackson was still trapped in Jeremy's bedroom waiting for help.

JEREMY:  I don't what I'm going to do if anything happens to him.

ME:  For one thing, you should try and make sure you inherit his wardrobe.

JEREMY:  Ben!

ME:  You look amazing.

JEREMY:  Wow.

ME:  What?

JEREMY:  When was the last time you told me I looked good?

ME:  When WAS the last time you looked good?

He was about to say something but then the elevator shifted, and instead, he grabbed onto me.

JEREMY:  It can't end this way.  I have so much left to do!  I want to see Paris.  I want to be on Broadway.  I want to live long enough to be judgmental!

The elevator shifted again.

ME:  I wish Billy had forgiven me.

JEREMY:  How could he?  You never apologized.

ME:  Couldn't he see that everything I did, I did so that he would care about me again.

JEREMY:  Did you ever think that maybe just being yourself would have worked?  Instead of being such a manipulative asshole?

ME:  Oh yeah, because that always works for Chuck on Gossip Girl.

This time we went down a few inches, and even though it wasn't much, I saw my life go before my eyes.

ME:  Wow, I shouldn't have gotten that crew cut in third grade.

JEREMY:  Huh?

ME:  Never mind.  Is there anything you wish you were forgiven for?

JEREMY:  Yeah.

ME:  What?

JEREMY:  Something I did in New York.

ME:  You mean like...THE...New York thing?

JEREMY:  Yeah.

ME:  Well, you could always tell me.

JEREMY:  Why would I do that?

ME:  It would absolve your guilt?

JEREMY:  I'm sorry.  Did somebody make you a priest without my hearing about it?  Because I really would have loved to have gone to that ceremony.

I put my hand on his shoulder.

ME:  It really might help.

He looked at my hand, then at me.

JEREMY:  Just so we're clear, are you actually being nice to me?

ME:  Jeremy, believe it or not, I don't hate you.

JEREMY:  Then why--

ME:  Because in case you haven't figured it out; I'm not thrilled about being gay.  I never have been.  And you don't seem to mind.  And that's just infuriating to me.

JEREMY:  Is that what these past two years have been about?  You hating yourself and taking it out on me?

ME:  I thought you were smart enough to already know that.

JEREMY:  Ben, that's incredibly sad.

ME:  Who knows?  Maybe if we make it out of this alive, I'll get over it.

I could hear a sound coming from the elevator shaft, like a cord snapping.

JEREMY:  Oh God...

ME:  Jeremy?

JEREMY:  Yeah?

ME:  I don't want to die like this.

JEREMY:  How do you want to die?

ME:  Um, that's the thing.

I pushed him up against the back wall of the elevator and kissed him.

That was when we felt the elevator drop, and more than a few inches.

Thunder in the Distance

Hi, my name is Davis.

BILLY:  So are we going to the Hurricane Party or not?

I'm in the middle of a storm.

Billy had come over and we were on our way to Prisms to enjoy a good old fashioned party during one of the worst weather events in the past two years.

(According to meteorologists, but who can trust them, right?)

BILLY:  I have my rain slicker in my car.

ME:  Great.  I didn't realize I was going to a party with Donald O'Connor.

BILLY:  Who?

ME:  God, you're young.  Let me grab my coat and we can go.

That was when my phone rang.

ME:  Hello?

HANK:  Were you planning on going to Prisms?

ME:  Heading there now.

HANK:  Don't bother.  They've shut down all the streets in Providence.

ME:  What?  Why?

HANK:  Flooding.

ME:  Great.

HANK:  I guess some people are already stuck there.

ME:  Wah wah wah.

HANK:  Tell me about it.  Talk to you later.

ME:  Bye.

When I walked into the living room, Billy was sucking down a root beer.

ME:  You never learn, do you?

BILLY:  Well you're not going to roofie me, are you?

Like I'd need to.

ME:  No, of course not.

BILLY:  So are we going?

ME:  I guess global warming has spread up, and now downtown is flooded.

BILLY:  That sucks.

ME:  Yeah.  Luckily, we're north of Water World, so we should be okay if you wanted to get a pizza or something.

BILLY:  Sounds good.

I called in the pizza, and then went and sat down on the couch.

ME:  Sooo...

BILLY:  Sooo...

We looked at each other.  I could hear Jeremy's voice in my head--

IMAGINARY JEREMY:  Banned Banned Banned Banned!

That was the point where I should have excused myself to make sure the paint in the other room was dry.

BILLY:  Davis?

ME:  Yeah?

BILLY:  Do you want to kiss me right now?

ME:  God Yes.

BILLY:  Then do it.

Somewhere in the distance, I heard thunder.

A Made Bed

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

JACKSON: This bed is clearly one that has not experienced sex in quite awhile.

My brother is helping me make my bed.

Not exactly the most exciting activity to do on a Friday night, but outside it's pouring rain and it was going to continue all night.

JACKSON: Don't pull at the corners so much. You're overcompensating.

For some reason, I'm awful at making beds. They always turn out looking like I just hopped out of them. Now that Jackson and I are living together, I figured I might as well take him up on one of his perks--namely bed-making.

JACKSON: I guess I know which gene I got.
ME: Being able to make a bed is not a gene.
JACKSON: Yes, it is. It's right next to the one that shows you what shirts look good on you and how to organize a sock drawer.
ME: Oh, so it's near the Flaming Homo gene?
JACKSON: Right down the road.

This was the first time Jackson and I had actually gotten to have what--for us--counts as a civil conversation since he'd been back in town.

ME: So what little strings are you setting up to pull?
JACKSON: I have no idea what you're talking about.

He threw a button-down at me.

JACKSON: Put that on. You need to see what it's like to wear clothes that fit.
ME: You know--
JACKSON: Just humor me.

I put it on over my t-shirt.

JACKSON: Grab a pair of my jeans in the closet, and throw on those sneakers.

I was about to claim that they might not fit when I realized I was talking to my twin. It's not that I don't want to look nice. It's more than I always feel like I have bigger things to spend time on--like Kathy Lee on The Today Show.

JACKSON: And FYI, I wouldn't have to manipulate anyone if your friends weren't all tangled up in each other. Feynman wouldn't be able to discipher all of you. Who slept with who, enemies, friends--it's like One Tree Hill without the camp value.
ME: We all happen to be very close. It's just that sometimes when you're that close to people, you bump into them a little.
JACKSON: It's the parts that are bumping that get my attention.

I came out of the closet--puns aside--and looked at myself in the mirror. Jackson came over, took some gel out of a jar, and began pulling at my hair.

ME: Ouch!
JACKSON: You're going to thank me in a second.
ME: Why do my hair? I'm not going anywhere.
JACKSON: Yes, you are.
ME: Excuse me? Have you looked outside? We're in the midst of a thunderstorm.
JACKSON: And Prisms is having a Hurricane Party.
ME: I'm not going to Prisms with the Roofie Ranger on the loose.
JACKSON: You'll be fine. You don't drink.
ME: Neither does Billy.
JACKSON: So avoid root beer!

He yanked at my hair one last time, and then stood back.

JACKSON: Look how nice you look.
ME: I...Wow, I...I look like you.
JACKSON: Well, let's not get carried away.

He went back to making the bed, and I just kept looking at myself in the mirror. Call me crazy considering I have a living example of what I could look like if I tried, but it was just surprising to look so...decent.

ME: This almost makes up for you sleeping with my best friend.
JACKSON: You're just mad because you don't know what you want and you want everyone to wait on you until you figure it out.
ME: I know what I want!
JACKSON: So you want Davis?
ME: I want my best friend and my brother to interact only if they both have clothes on.
JACKSON: For a thought that upsets you so much, you think about it an awful lot.

God, I hate when he's right.

JACKSON: You know, we're similar in at least one way.
ME: We both hate Scarlet Johansen?
JACKSON: That--and we both see life as a movie.
ME: You and Davis sleeping together is a horror movie.
JACKSON: Fair enough. But if you were watching a horror movie, and you could yell out--Hey! Get away from there! Wouldn't you do that?
ME: But you can't. It's a movie.
JACKSON: See, that's where you and I differ. I want to be in the movie, you just want to watch.

Before he could say anymore, I heard a loud crash, and then everything got cold.

A pole had come crashing through the bedroom window, and it landed right on the bed separating me and Jackson.

ME: Holy--
JACKSON: Jeremy! Don't move!

There were electrical wires on top of the pole and they were jumping.

ME: Oh my God.
JACKSON: You need to slowly--
ME: Oh my God.
JACKSON: SHUT UP! Listen to me! Back away slowly, go out the bedroom door, and go get help.
ME: Who should I get?
JACKSON: KERMIT THE FUCKING FROG! I don't care! Just get help!

I looked over at my brother, who is without a doubt the biggest flaw in my otherwise okay life, and I could see a giant gaping hole where my bedroom wall used to be, electrical wires all over my bed, and the rain was pouring into our little third floor apartment building.

There were a lot of ways I could have lost my brother, and it terrified me.

JACKSON: JEREMY! GO!

I forgot to back out slowly and just ran full force out the door, then out of the apartment, into the hallway. I saw the elevator door open and ran right into it.

VOICE: Whoa, someone's in a hurry to go party.

I looked to my left and saw Ben near the control panel.

BEN: Thanks for inviting me out, Jackson. I needed to have some fun.
ME: No, Ben, it's--it's--

But before I could say anymore, the doors shut, the power went out, and I felt the elevator lurch.

ME: --It's bad.

Really bad.

Center Stage

Hi, my name is Eli.

JEREMY: Now remember what we talked about--
ME: Oh, give me some credit.

We were all at the opening night of Tommy. Nobody wanted me to go due to my somewhat inappropriate response to Joey being given the lead after I dropped out of the production.

DAVIS: No strangling anybody tonight.
ME: Would I show up just to cause a scene?
ALL: Yes.
BEN: I can't believe we just paid twenty dollars to see this trainwreck.
BILLY: You didn't pay anything. You got one of Joey's comps.
BEN: That's because he knew I wouldn't come otherwise.
BILLY: Cheap bastard.
JEREMY: Enough!

I was sitting next to Jackson.

CARTER: I'm excited. I love Tina Turner.
HANK: She was only in the movie. The music is done by The Who.
CARTER: Who?
JACKSON: Exactly.
NATHAN: Can we all keep in mind we're here to support Joey?
JEREMY: That's right. We're his friends. We love him.
NATHAN: Yeah, and god knows he's never going to get another lead role again. So let's support him now.

The curtain came up and the show started. Everything was going along fine until Joey got to "Sensation"--his big number.

Suddenly, a part of his costume fell off. Then another part.

DAVIS: Whoa, what the--
HANK: Someone didn't do a good job costuming this.

The back of his pants fell off, and you could see he was terrified to move.

JEREMY: It's falling off in patches.
CARTER: Did someone forget to put zippers in?

Jackson looked over at me.

JACKSON: You did this, didn't you?
ME: Jackson, how would that have happened? I couldn't have gotten backstage.
NATHAN: Thank God. Joey would have killed you.
ME: Of course, it doesn't take much to bribe someone.
BEN: Ohhh, this should be good.

Pretty soon, Joey was onstage in nothing but a few well-placed patches held together by loose threads. To his credit, he kept singing even as the audience was laughing hysterically.

BILLY: This is bad, bad, bad, bad news.
JEREMY: Yes, it is.

Finally, the few remaining patches came down, and a second later, so did the curtain, but not until Jackson looked over at Davis and said--

JACKSON: Didn't you tell me he had a bigger part?

And I sat back and smiled.

Citrus and Cyanide

Hi, my name is Hank.

JACKSON:  Then there was a cat fight.

ME:  Shocker.

Jackson and I were out getting dinner at the C-Factory after a long day of classes.  He was recounting the story of Billy's getting drugged and yada yada yada.

JACKSON:  I'm surprised you agreed to come out with me now that you know I'm making a concerted effort to bed you.

ME:  I can be appalled and flattered at the same time.

We toasted to that.

JACKSON:  So, why do you think you got made the number one catch in town?

ME:  Who knows?

Bribery.

ME:  I'm just lucky I guess.

JACKSON:  I don't believe in luck.

ME:  What do you believe in?

JACKSON:  Citrus and cyanide.

ME:  That sounds like a quote from Double Indemnity.

JACKSON:  It just might be.

We toasted again.  I should have been a little bit more careful considering people were getting roofied left and right, but where's the fun in that?

Somehow we wound up in a straight bar on the not-so-nice side of some crummy little suburb of Providence.

After a few more drinks, we drove to a secluded spot looking over yet another suburb of the suburb we were just in, and I realized I was trasssheeed...

ME:  You got me drunk.

JACKSON:  Did I?

ME:  You're still not getting in my pants.

JACKSON:  Oh, come on.  Look where we are.  It's so romantic up here.

ME:  People get killed in slasher movies in places like this.

JACKSON:  Fine.  Get in the car.  We'll head back.

ME:  You're going to kill the mood just like that?

JACKSON:  Some of us have class tomorrow, big boy.

ME:  Ooookay.

I got in the car, and Jackson started it up.  But instead of backing out of our spot, he started to drive forward towards the edge of the cliff.

ME:  Jackson, what are you doing?

JACKSON:  How did you get Number One?

ME:  What?

JACKSON:  Hank, I was born at night, but I wasn't born last night.

ME:  Um, cliff...closer...

We were getting closer to the edge, or maybe not.  It was hard to tell.  I was sooo drunk.

JACKSON:  I went back and looked up past lists.  You've never been on them.  So why now?

ME:  Just luck--

JACKSON:  I told you, I don't believe in luck.

ME:  We're going to die.

JACKSON:  And I don't fear death.

ME:  Please--

JACKSON:  And I always get what I want.

ME:  JACKSON!

JACKSON:  Tell me how you got on that list.

I felt the car's front wheels slip over the edge.

ME:  I KNOW WHO WILDE IS!  I KNOW THE SECRET IDENTITY!

The car stopped.

JACKSON:  Who is it?

ME:  No way am I--

He drove forward another inch, and I yelled out the name.

JACKSON:  Are you serious?

ME:  Yes, I swear.

JACKSON:  Wow.

I was going to make him swear not to say anything, but instead--

ME:  Oh God.

I threw up in his car.

JACKSON:  Still worth it.

I'm screwed.

The Morning After

Hi, my name is Joey.

JACKSON: I think he's waking up.
JEREMY: I'm still not entirely convinced that you had nothing to do with this.
JACKSON: Hey, I like my sexual partners conscious. Call me picky.
ME: Billy, are you okay?

I was at Jeremy's apartment picking him up for our Tuesday class off-campus. We usually get together and eat breakfast before heading to Gymnastics across town.

When I got to his apartment, Jeremy and Jackson were there, and Billy was passed out in Jackson's bed.

ME: So what happened?
JACKSON: I think he got drugged.
ME: But not by you?
JACKSON: I don't need to drug anyone to get them in bed. Although I admit, his passing out did put a hamper on my flirtations.
JEREMY: You were flirting with him?
JACKSON: Hey, you made the brownies. I'm just licking the bowl.

There was a knock on the door and Jackson went to get it.

JEREMY: This is so weird. First Carter, now Billy--
ME: You think there's a connection?
JEREMY: I don't know. It just seems strange. Jackson said he used the men's room twice when he and Billy were at Texture, so I guess somebody could have put something in Billy's drink when he wasn't looking.
ME: We can ask him when he wakes up if he remembers anything unusual.
JEREMY: But if it's like Carter--
ME: He won't remember anything at all.
JEREMY: You got it.

Jackson came back into the room with Eli behind him.

JACKSON: Look who decided to pay us a visit.
ELI: Aren't we going to class? Why is Billy still asleep?
ME: He was drugged.
ELI: Are you serious?
JACKSON: I know. What a buzz kill, right?

Jeremy's phone rang.

JEREMY: That's probably Davis. He's been calling every five minutes.
JACKSON: Why doesn't he just pop by? I was going to make breakfast.
ELI: I'm down. What are we having?
JEREMY: Jackson's breakfast consists of two slices of toast and an episode of Ab Fab.
JACKSON: And the issue is?

Jeremy took the call just as my phone rang.

ME: Hello?
VOICE: Hey, is this Joey?
ME: Yes.
VOICE: This is Skyler. I'm the Director of Tommy.
ME: Oh right, my friend was in that.

I looked over at Eli, who was poking Billy in the face.

ME: STOP THAT!
ELI: Sorry.
JACKSON: He was only pokin' fun.
ELI: Grease 2?
JACKSON: Bingo.

I went back to my conversation.

ME: So you're calling--
SKYLER: I need a replacement for the lead.
ME: Oh?
SKYLER: Yeah. I heard from Murray at Ocean State that you were pretty good.
ME: Uh, well, the thing is--

I looked back over at Eli. I couldn't just take a role from him, could I?

ME: I'm in.

Apparently, I could. I went into the kitchen and Skyler gave me the details on the role and my first rehearsal. Then I went back into the bedroom. Jeremy was sitting next to Billy, who seemed to be coming around.

ELI: What was that about?
ME: Just...a role in a show I just got.
ELI: Oh, cool. What show?
ME: Um...a musical.
ELI: That's awesome! Where?

I saw Billy start to open his eyes, and I decided to drop my bomb.

ME: It's the role you gave up. LOOK! Billy's awake!
ELI: WHAT?

Just then, my phone vibrated. It was a text message from--

ME: Cal?
ELI: You took my role?
JACKSON: What about Cal?
JEREMY: Guys, can someone get him some water?

I flipped open the phone and checked the text.

FROM CAL: It's Billy you need to look out for--he's dangerous.

I was still processing what the message said when I looked up to see Billy staring at me.

BILLY: Hey Joey...

Eli saved me from having to respond by tackling me to the bed. Jackson and Jeremy grabbed him and tried getting him off me but he had the strength of someone twice his size--so basically your average nine-year-old.

ELI: THAT WAS MY ROLE! MY ROLE!
JEREMY: YOU'RE FIGHTING ON SOMEONE'S SICKBED, YOU IDIOT!
BILLY: WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

Something told me we were going to be late for class.

A Night on the Town

Hi, my name is Billy.

JACKSON:  There you are!

I was in the Fish Bowl in between classes.

JACKSON:  What are you up to?

From now on, I'm going to hang out at the library.

ME:  I was just about to head to class, Jackson.

JACKSON:  And what about tonight?  Are you busy?

ME:  Very busy.

JACKSON:  Doing what?

ME:  Avoiding everyone and being anti-social.

JACKSON:  Same as every other night, huh?

I got up and started walking to class, but Jackson didn't get the hint.

ME:  Do you want something?

JACKSON:  Yes.

ME:  Can I ask what it is?

JACKSON:  Why the hostility, Billy Goat?

ME:  First of all, no.  Second of all, everybody's been bugging me since the night at the club with Ben.  They all think I'm going to fall apart.

JACKSON:  Oh, don't worry.  I'm not that sensitive.  I just need someone brave enough to go out on a Monday night with me, and I know you don't have class tomorrow.

ME:  Where would we go?

JACKSON:  Well, it's Rhode Island, so probably the IHOP.

I stopped outside the theater building.

ME:  I'll make you a deal.  Don't bring up Ben, and we can go wherever you want.

JACKSON:  Agreed.  Wear cute underwear.

ME:  Why?

JACKSON:  You never know.

ME:  Oh, but I do.

That night we met up at Texture, the newest club downtown.  It's a little more ritzy than Prisms, and after the Ben debacle, I'm not eager to go back anytime soon.

Jackson was waiting for me at the bar.

ME:  I'm here.

JACKSON:  Red boxer-briefs with a blue stripe down the middle.

ME:  Uh--how did you...?

JACKSON:  It's a gift.  Want a drink?

ME:  I don't drink.

JACKSON:  Oh, right.  You're Amish.

Once we got past the sarcasm, we actually started having a rather nice conversation.  It lasted for about an hour, and then Jackson showed his real motives.

JACKSON:  So tell me about you and Davis.

ME:  What about me and Davis?

JACKSON:  Is there...something there?

ME:  No, no, no, and no.

JACKSON:  Inquiring minds want to know.

ME:  Douchebags who can't mind their own business?

JACKSON:  Yes, those people.

ME:  You know, I'd rather not--

JACKSON:  Did I bring up He-Whose-Name-Begins-With-B?

ME:  I knew there was more to this than just hanging out.

JACKSON:  We are hanging out, and I'm not trying to pry because I want something.  I just want to know if I'm going to get in trouble when I bring you home with me tonight.

I nearly choked on my soda.

ME:  You think you're taking me home with you?

JACKSON:  Don't worry.  Jeremy's probably already asleep.  I made him cookies and milk before I left.

ME:  I'm not going to sleep with you.

JACKSON:  Why not?  You clearly like bad boys.

ME:  I do not!

JACKSON:  Please, let's walk into the honesty circle.  You like bad boys, and your biggest problem with my brother was that he was a sweetheart.  I look just like him except I'm manipulative and confrontational.  You're going to get everything you want.

I stood up and started putting on my coat.

ME:  The reason your brother and I didn't work out is because...because...

Suddenly, I started feeling woozy.

JACKSON:  Aren't you going to finish your root beer?

ME:  I feel funny.

JACKSON:  I'd better get you home then.

I had to sit down, but I nearly couldn't find the bar stool.

ME:  You put something in my drink.

JACKSON:  Don't be silly.  You're just tired.  You'd better crash at my place tonight, Billy.

ME:  I, no, I...

Before I could say any more, I felt him put his arm around my waist and guide me outside.  In my pocket, I could feel my cell phone.  I knew that the last person I called was Davis, so I hit the Send button.

That was all I could manage before I blacked out.

Drama Queen

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JOEY: Nathan, can you hear me?
HANK: His eyes are glazed over.
ELI: We should call 9-1-1.
BEN: If he doesn't die, I'm going to kill him.

I didn't want to live anymore. So I took a handful of pills I found in the bathroom, and sent out a mass text message:

"I'm all done. I'll miss one or two of you. Fuck the rest of you. Good-bye."

Ben was back living with his family. He hadn't spoken to me since the night at the bar when I screwed everything up.

I had a few drinks to calm myself down before I took the pills.

The next thing I knew, people were standing over me.

JACKSON: Should we call someone?
DAVIS: We don't even know what he took.
JEREMY: Carter, go look in the bathroom. See if there's anything there.
CARTER: Nathan, don't die.
BILLY: Carter, go. We'll get him walking around.

I felt myself being lifted up and moved around the room. I felt like I was going to throw up, but then I wouldn't die, and that would mean all this was worthless.

CARTER: I couldn't find anything.
JEREMY: Ben, what do you have here?
BEN: He's such a drama queen.
BILLY: You're such an asshole.
BEN: You know, if Nathan wanted to kill himself, he should have called you, Billy. You could have pushed him in front of a--

I felt myself fall to the floor. That's right; they dropped me.

DAVIS: ENOUGH! We don't have time for this!
JEREMY: Jesus, Ben, what did you have?
BEN: Nothing! I don't have pills here.
JOEY: This is just like The Valley of the Dolls.
HANK: I call Patty Duke's part!

Then I heard a voice in the bedroom.

ELI: I found it! It was under the bed!
JACKSON: What is it?
ELI: Um, this is going to sound really strange--
JEREMY: Eli, what did he take?
ELI: Here. Look.

There was a pause. Then--

JEREMY: Placebos?

What?

BILLY: Why would there be placebos here?
BEN: Oh right! From when I took social psych. It was part of an experiment. I forgot I had those.
CARTER: Did Nathan know what they were?
HANK: Do you know what they are?
CARTER: Ummm, no.

Great. So I was only woozy because of the booze. Just when I thought I was starting to see the light.

DAVIS: Guess that means our work here is done.
BEN: All right, let's bail.
JEREMY: You're not going anywhere. He's still suicidal.
BEN: But I--
JEREMY: You got him this way. Now, you're going to see him through it.
BEN: Hey, that's--
JEREMY: Tough.

I heard feet shuffling then the door slam.

At that point, I guess it was just me and Ben.

I could be wrong, but for a second, I could have sworn that I felt a pillow over my face.

Shots

Hi, my name is Carter.

ME: I can't believe Ben did that!
JEREMY: You can't? I can. He's a tool.
HANK: He's done for now. There's no coming back from this.

We were all out at Prisms on a Friday talking about Ben and Billy's blow-up.

I wanted to go down and dance, but Hank won't even go near the dance floor until he's drunk enough to forget how to count past four.

Now, I wasn't really paying attention, but luckily I happened to look at the door when I saw a big posse coming into the club.

JEREMY: Is there a birthday party here tonight?
HANK: If there is, we're leaving. I don't feel like hanging around a bunch of obnoxious pricks.
JEREMY: And yet you're friends with--
HANK: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't remind me.

That's when I saw him.

ME: Uh oh.
JEREMY: What's wrong?
ME: A guy just walked in that I don't like.
HANK: Who?
ME: Adam Setter.
JEREMY: The promoter?
ME: Yeah. We...um...
HANK: You hooked up with him?
ME: Does it count as a hook-up if I don't remember it?

Adam looked over my way. I didn't know if he'd remember me or that me and my friends left him a bathtub unconscious, but I wasn't going to take that chance.

ME: Guys, what do I do?
JEREMY: Carter, it's just a one-night stand. He probably wants to avoid you just as much as you want to avoid him.
ME: But I'm even wearing the same outfit I was wearing when I was with him.
HANK: You mean you're wearing it again or you never changed? Because with you, you never know.

I started stripping.

JEREMY: What are you doing?
ME: Maybe he won't recognize me if I'm just in my underwear.
HANK: Isn't that going to jog his memory even more?
ME: I need to do something so he won't pay attention to me.
JEREMY: Well, he's a snob. So he's probably pretty dismissive towards the shot boys.
ME: EXCELLENT!

I ran over to the bar, and talked to Lulu the Lesbian.

ME: Heyyyy Lulu.
LULU: No, I'm not giving you a free drink.
ME: I don't want one. I just want to be a shot boy for a night.
LULU: No way. You haven't even gone through training.
ME: Isn't it just hitting on old guys and looking stupid?
LULU: Good point. You're lucky Biff called out tonight.

She handed me a tray of drinks.

LULU: Get moving.

I managed to circulate enough to avoid Adam. Luckily, his group moved on after about an hour, but since I was making okay money, I stuck with it.

At the end of the night, I found Jeremy and Hank again.

JEREMY: How'd you plan work?
ME: It was amazing! I made two hundred dollars!
HANK: Next step--sucking off Johns in an Oldsmobile on Thornton street.
ME: Hey, being a shotboy is just like any other job.
JEREMY: So you're actually going to keep doing this?
ME: Jeremy, I made two hundred dollars in a night. How much do you make in a night?
JEREMY: This would be where I remind you that you owe me eighty dollars.
HANK: And you owe me one-twenty.

Hank snatched the two-hundred from my hand, and the two of them headed back towards the car.

Wow, I thought, I already went through my first paycheck.

The It Boy

Hi, my name is Jackson.

HANK: You rang?

I've got a new boy in my sights.

ME: Close the door.
HANK: Why?

I left Hank a message on his phone asking him to meet me in the abandoned office in the theater wing. He showed a few minutes later, and I was waiting with the lights off.

He flipped the light switch, and gasped.

ME: Now you see why I wanted you to close the door.
HANK: Is there a reason you're covered in chocolate?
ME: I wanted to make you a sundae.
HANK: So the banana would be--
ME: That's right.
HANK: Dear Lord...

Truth be told, I'm not that into Hank. Well, I shouldn't say that. I'm not really "into" anyone. I tend to like whoever can get me what I want, and what I want is that Number One spot on Wilde's Hook-up List.

And the only way to get that is to knock Number One off his perch.

HANK: Jackson, this is a bad idea.
ME: Enough talking. I've got a bottle of caramel sauce on that desk. Go to town.
HANK: You're nuts.
ME: I've got those too.
HANK: I can see that, but before you make a cherry joke, I'm going to leave.

He opened the door. Jeremy was standing there.

JEREMY: Sorry, I was going to study in a quiet--OH MY GOD!
ME: Great. So much for intimacy.
JEREMY: Is this some sort of hazing ritual?
HANK: If only.
JEREMY: Hank, are you sleeping with him too?
HANK: No, I'm turning him down.
JEREMY: Jackson?
ME: Sad, but true.

Jeremy kissed Hank right on the lips. He just loves to rub my disappointments in my face. I peeled a strawberry slice off my nipple and ate it.

JEREMY: I hope you don't plan on doing this in our apartment, Satan.
ME: You never know.
JEREMY: Ugh. Hank, scene study.
HANK: On my way.

Jeremy took off. Hank turned to me.

HANK: I know what you're trying to do, and it isn't going to work. I'm going to be Number One for a looonnng time.
ME: We'll see about that.

He laughed, and disappeared.

I may not be able to get him in bed by myself, but everybody has a price. I just have to find out who in Hank's life has a big, fat 'For Sale' sign on them.

The Jig Is Up

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: I'm asking you to come home.
ME: There is no home. There's just a prison cell that you and I share.
NATHAN: Ben, please!

Drunk Nathan--the newest fixture in my life. I was out at Prisms for Superhero night with Joey. He was Spiderman, I was Aquaman, and Nathan was Poison Ivy--metaphorically speaking, of course.

NATHAN: I want you to be my boyfriend again!
JOEY: What are you talking about? He is your boyfriend.
NATHAN: No, he's not!

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Davis and Billy coming in dressed like Batman and Robin.

ME: Nathan, you have to get out of here.
NATHAN: Why? Are you waiting for Billy?

Billy heard his name and waved. It only took a second for him to realize something was up.

ME: Nathan, listen to me. We can talk later, but right now, you have to leave.
NATHAN: I'M NOT LEAVING!

Now people were starting to turn and look at us.

ME: Joey, help.
JOEY: Nathan, let's get you home.
ME: To a cold empty sofa bed? I DON'T THINK SO!

Davis and Billy had finally made their way over to us.

This was going to be bad.

BILLY: What's going on?
NATHAN: I'll tell you what's going on.
ME: He's drunk.
NATHAN: But I'm not crazy!

I was contemplating just picking up a glass and breaking it against his forehead.

NATHAN: It's been a lie.
DAVIS: What has?
NATHAN: Ben and I aren't dating anymore. We broke up.
BILLY: When did this happen?
NATHAN: Months ago, Billy! He's only been staying with me this long so that he could create some big break-up where I'd leave him, and you'd feel bad for him, and take him back.
BILLY: WHAT?

Now I was looking for the nearest exit.

NATHAN: And in return, I got to keep the apartment and not look like the loser who got dumped!

Billy's face was a cross between hurt and fury.

BILLY: How could you do this?
ME: I just wanted you back.
JOEY: Oh my God, Ben.
DAVIS: What an asshole.
ME: You should fucking talk, Davis.
DAVIS: What did you say to me?

He came towards me, but Billy got in front of him.

BILLY: Forget it! Let's just go. I don't even want to look at him.

They stared to leave, but I shoved Nathan and ran after them. I managed to grab Billy's arm.

ME: Billy, please--

He turned around.

BILLY: You know what, Ben? I shouldn't have pushed you in front of that car. I should have pushed you in front of a truck.

Pushed me in front of a--

ME: Wait, what?

But then from behind me, I felt Nathan hop onto my back screaming about loving me, and we both went down.

Together.

Off-Limits

Hi, my name is Davis.

Knock, Knock.

I've begun to hate answering my door.

JEREMY: Hey.
ME: Oh, hey.
JEREMY: We need to talk.
ME: If by talk you mean hit--
JEREMY: I'm not here to punch you, Davis.
ME: Okay, then come in, not that I'm scared of your right hook.
JEREMY: Is that like Captain Hook?
ME: Exactly.

Jeremy came in and sat down on my couch. It had been a few days since the banquet. His friend Ray had disappeared, and Billy told me it was on account of Jackson. I was wondering if a bargain had been struck.

JEREMY: I don't like it when we fight.
ME: Neither do I.
JEREMY: You're my best friend.
ME: For awhile, I was even more.
JEREMY: But that was a mistake. Not as big of a mistake as you screwing my brother, but--

I sat down next to him.

ME: Look, what I did was really stupid. I have no excuse. I'm just a giant asshole who does asshole things and lives in a world of assholes riding asshole cars living in asshole villages where they make asshole goat milk.
JEREMY: That's a really awful image.
ME: Sorry.
JEREMY: Davis, I know you have trouble staying away from sketchy hookup drama, but the thing is, even you have to have boundaries. There have to be some things--or people--that are off-limits.
ME: Agreed.
JEREMY: Promise me no more Jackson.
ME: I promise. It's over.
JEREMY: Good.
ME: Anybody else I should avoid?
JEREMY: No, just Jackson. Oh, and Billy, but that probably goes without saying.
ME: Oh...yeah. Of course.

That's what I was afraid of...

JEREMY: So we're okay now?
ME: Yeah, we're great.

He gave me a big hug.

ME: Oh Jackson, mmmm...

He reared back and punched me in the arm.

JEREMY: Aren't you going to say 'ow'?
ME: Isn't it supposed to hurt when you punch me?
JEREMY: Aw, back to old times.

We talked for a little while longer, then Jeremy had to go. He was helping his new roommate move in with him.

ME: Who's the new roomie? Is he cute?
JEREMY: He's off-limits.
ME: I thought only Jackson and Billy were off-limits.
JEREMY: Exactly.
ME: Oh--wait, what?

But he was already gone.

My phone rang a few minutes later, and I almost stopped myself from picking up. I could feel the snowball racing down the hill and picking up size along the way.

BILLY: Hey Mr. Davis.
ME: Hey.
BILLY: Are we still going out tonight?
ME: I don't know, kid. I feel a little--
BILLY: C'mon! It's Superhero Night! I'm already wearing my Robin outfit. You have to be Batman!

Billy in the Boy Wonder costume...

DANGER, JOHN DAVIS, DANGER!

BILLY: Do I have to beg?
ME: NO! No, don't beg. I'll go. It'll be fun.
BILLY: Awesome. Pick you up at ten.
ME: Do you want me to drive?
BILLY: If you drive then you can't drink.
ME: That might be better.
BILLY: Don't be ridiculous. I'll see you in an hour.

He hung up.

I know that this could mean my friendship with Jeremy, and I've already jeopardized it enough times, but...

I'm Batman.

You Can Count on Me

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

JACKSON: I brought you a present.

But you can call me Cain.

I was sitting in the Fish Bowl the Monday after the Banquet where I found out my best friend was sleeping with my evil twin brother, and who should stroll in, but Cousin Patty herself.

ME: I would go away if I were you.
JACKSON: Fine, but in that case, I'm returning my gift.
ME: I don't need a nipple clamp, but thanks all the same.
JACKSON: Actually, my gift involves Ray.
ME: What?

At that moment, the door opened and--what do you know--Ray walked in.

RAY: Okay, so what was I called here for?
JACKSON: I was going to get rid of you for Jeremy, but he doesn't seem to want me to.
ME: What?
RAY: What?
JACKSON: I can get rid of him.
RAY: So now I'm not here?

Jackson came and sat down next to me.

JACKSON: Well?
ME: What's the catch?
RAY: I'm leaving.
JACKSON: You're staying or I'm blabbing.
RAY: Blabbing about what?
JACKSON: I found out something that can make you go away, as long my brother here gets over his little grudge and agrees to stop trying to get me to take off.
ME: Pardon my oncoming French, but no fucking way in Hell, you spawn of demons.
JACKSON: We came from the same womb, kitten.
ME: I was adopted. You're my Changeling. I'm convinced.
RAY: HELLO?!

The door opened again and this time Nathan walked into the Fish Bowl.

NATHAN: Am I interrupting something?
JACKSON: Apparently not.
RAY: Or maybe you are. Maybe it's time I finally outed Jeremy.
NATHAN: Uh, you're a little late on that.
RAY: I was referring to his time in New York.
NATHAN: Hang on, I'll go get everybody!

Nathan ran out of the room. I jumped up.

ME: Ray, don't do this.
JACKSON: I can stop him, bro.
ME: Don't call me 'bro.' We're not the Wayans.
RAY: Just confess, Jeremy. It'll make life so much easier.
ME: You just want me back in New York.
RAY: Guilty as charged.
JACKSON: I can end this.
RAY: I'm telling them.
ME: No, you're not.
JACKSON: I can--
ME: SHUT UP!

Nathan came back in with Carter, Eli, Ben, Hank, Joey, and Billy.

BEN: So what's the deal?
JOEY: Did he kill someone?
HANK: Was he a hooker?
ELI: Did he kill someone while he was hooking?

I looked over at Jackson.

JACKSON: Well?

I looked at Billy. I couldn't let him hear it.

ME: Do it, Jackson.
NATHAN: Huh?
CARTER: I'm confused.

Ray clapped his hands.

RAY: Forget it. Jackson thinks he has something on me that'll--
JACKSON: I don't have anything.
RAY: What?
JACKSON: I don't have anything on you, Ray.
RAY: So you were bluffing. I figured.
JACKSON: What I mean is, I don't have anything that the police don't have.

Silence.

BILLY: The police?
ME: What about the police?
RAY: You didn't.
JACKSON: I did. Ray here has a warrant out for his arrest.
ME: Ray?
RAY: Jeremy, it's--it's not what it--uh--
JACKSON: Someone went around telling everyone he was a trust fund baby, which I guess is true, if the trust fund was made up of profits from cocaine dealing.
ME: Are you kidding?
RAY: Yeah? Well, at least I'm not the only one keeping secrets. Jeremy--
JACKSON: I'd go if I were you. The police are on their way. I called them right before I got here.
RAY: You're lying.
JACKSON: Was I lying about having dirt on you, kitten?

Ray took a second, ran over to me, kissed me on the mouth, and took off. Nathan opened the door to the Fish Bowl and yelled after him.

NATHAN: WAIT! YOU NEVER TOLD US WHAT JEREMY DID!

Jackson sat down looking quite proud of himself.

HANK: So are we all going to be interviewed by the police?
JACKSON: Oh, the police aren't coming. I was bluffing about that.
ME: How did you find out the drug dealing?
JACKSON: Google. Have you heard of it? It's a search engine.
ME: Jesus.
JACKSON: So bro, I need a place to live. How'd you like a roommate?
BILLY: Do you two like each other now?

That was when I knew I'd made a deal with the devil.

The Banquet

Hi, my name is Eli.

NATHAN:  This is going to end badly.

I'm at a big gay banquet.

Davis was at the dais...wait...yes, that's right.

Jackson was sitting a few seats down from him with the RI-TRI boys.

The rest of us were seated at a table right down front.

BEN:  I'm not nearly drunk enough to be here.

HANK:  We should have pre-gamed more.

JEREMY:  Guys, can we remember that this is Davis' night?

CARTER:  I'm surprised you're even here, Jeremy.

BILLY:  Shut up, Carter.

JEREMY:  Why?

CARTER:  Oh, he doesn't know?

JEREMY:  Know what?

JOEY:  What doesn't he know?

JEREMY:  Joey, I can handle this.  What's going on?

Billy smacked Carter.

CARTER:  Ouch!

BILLY:  I knew I shouldn't have said anything to you.

CARTER:  I thought he knew Davis was sleeping with Jackson.

JEREMY:  WHAT?

Before any of us could stop him, Jeremy walked up onto the dais, and right up to the man of honor.

JEREMY:  Are you sleeping with my brother?

DAVIS:  Jeremy, to be fair, I think of you when I'm with him.

JEREMY:  Of course you do.  HE LOOKS JUST LIKE ME!

Jackson made his way over to Jeremy.

Bad idea.

JACKSON:  Is there a problem here?

JEREMY:  Yes, YOU!  You are trying to destroy my life.

DAVIS:  Would this be the wrong time to suggest a threeway?

Jeremy walked over to the podium.

ELI:  Waiter!  Make sure that microphone is on!

This was going to be good.

JEREMY:  Attention, everyone.  I would just like to tell you a few things about my best friend, John Davis, and our man of honor tonight.  Some things that many of you may not know.  For instance, he cries every time he watches Angels in the Outfield and Bambi and Beethoven's 2nd.  He once used saran wrap as a contraceptive.  He makes lasagna naked.

Joey yelped.

HANK:  You've eaten that lasagna, haven't you?

JOEY:  I need to go to the men's room.

BEN:  Please, he's eaten worse than that.

Jeremy tapped the microphone.

JEREMY:  Tonight, though, he's outdone himself.  He's lost his best friend.  Thank you, enjoy your stuffed chicken.

Jeremy got down off the dais and ran off.  Davis went after him.

BILLY:  Way to go, Carter.

CARTER:  I just thought--

HANK:  You never think!

NATHAN:  Here they go.

HANK:  Was anyone asking your opinion?

BEN:  Hey!  I need my drink refilled.

I decided I couldn't take the bickering, so I went for a walk around the room.  I made it to the open bar when I walked right into Skyler.

SKYLER:  Hey, fancy seeing you here.

ME:  I'd be grateful if you kept that to yourself.

SKYLER:  Sure thing.  You look really nice tonight.

ME:  Thanks.  Bartender!

Just then, for no reason, Skyler leaned in towards me.

ME:  Whoa!  Okay, that's it.  I quit!

SKYLER:  Quit?  Quit what?

ME:  The show.  I can't do this.  I can't deal with the sexual harrassment.

SKYLER:  What are you talking about?

ME:  Just then, you tried to--

SKYLER:  I was going to whisper that the guy behind you was about to grab your ass.

I turned around to see a rather old man trying to look nonchalant.

ME:  Oh, um...sorry.

SKYLER:  Yeah, I'm sorry, too.  Sorry that I cast you.  Good luck finding another show to do.

He started to walk away.

ME:  Wait!  Can't I take back what I said?

SKYLER:  Uh, let me think--No.  Later Eli.

Skyler headed back to his table, while I waited for the bartender.

I was going to need a bigger drink than I thought.