Voice Lessons

Hi, my name is Brad John.

JEREMY: Hank, what are you talking about?

I changed my name.

JEREMY: You can't change your name.
ME: Why not?
JEREMY: What's wrong with Hank?
ME: I hate Hank. Hank isn't a stage name. I need to be a star, Jeremy. They're not putting Hank up on a marquee anytime soon.

Jeremy and I were waiting outside a practice room before my first voice lesson. I've decided that if I'm going to be a musical theater star, I need to know how to take care of my pipes.

JEREMY: So whose this new voice teacher, Brad John?
ME: His name is Lou Fenneman.
JEREMY: He sounds like an overweight astrologist.
ME: He's new, okay? Cut him some slack.
JEREMY: You haven't even met him yet. You might hate the guy.
ME: I doubt it. I have a good feeling. He could be the Plato to my Socrates.
JEREMY: It was the other way around.
ME: Whatever, bitch. Don't show off.

As we were waiting, the door to the practice room next to us opened and who should come out (and I use this term both literally and figuratively) but Billy and Ben.

Jeremy looked surprised to say the least.

JEREMY: Hi.
BILLY: Hey.
BEN: Sup?
JEREMY: Were you guys...practicing...something?
ME: I bet they were.
JEREMY: Brad John!
BEN: Whose Brad John?
ME: I am.
BILLY: You are?
ME: I am now.
BEN: So you were one thing, now you're another?
ME: Yeah, you know, like how some people are straight and then they're sucking dick in practice rooms.
BEN: Billy, let's go.
BILLY: Good idea.

They took off. Catty little bitches.

JEREMY: You don't think they actually were, do you?
ME: Hey, I didn't hear any vocal warm-ups, did you?
JEREMY: I think I'm going to be sick.
ME: Don't get me sick. I have a lesson.
VOICE: Yes, you do.

I turned around to see the most beautiful man in the world. If I liked guys, I'd be all over him like strippers on an out-of-town businessman.

GOD OF MY LIFE: You must be Hank. I'm Lou Fenneman.
JEREMY: Actually he's Brad John.
ME: Never mind, that. I'm Hank.
GOD OF MY LIFE: Are you sure? Because I can call you Brad John, or BJ if you'd prefer that.
JEREMY: I think he would definitely prefer BJ--
ME: Let's start.

I ran into the room before Jeremy could say anything else.

After all, I didn't want a waste any of Mr. Fenneman's--or more importantly--my time. Daddy wants to get his money's worth.