Unwanted Advice

Hi, my name is Billy.

I'm an aardvark.

The bookstore had me dress like Arthur for Children's Lit day. I wanted to be someone cool, like one of the Wild Things or The Cat in the Hat, but apparently the new guy always gets Arthur.

It wouldn't be so bad except I have to do all my usual work dressed like something that snorts its food to survive, and I'm not talking about a shotboy.

I was stacking the works of Ernest Hemingway when I heard a voice behind me.

VOICE: Hey, do you want to go for some ants later?

Ha...Ha.

I turned to find Jeremy--surprise. He's been stopping by to visit me, hmmm, every night? I don't know if he thinks I don't notice or if me noticing is the point, but whenever I see him I just smile my "I think you're crazy but I'm trying to be nice about it" smile and wave.

Although tonight he seemed like he was actually on a mission.

JEREMY: Can I talk to you?
ME: Sure. I have to go on break anyway.

I took off my Arthur head.

JEREMY: Should you be--
ME: Breaking the magic? Yeah, I kind of don't care.
JEREMY: I don't blame you.

He followed me to the Psych. section where I realized I was going to have to postpone my break so that I could put back a bunch of textbooks someone had dropped--Joy.

JEREMY: So--

Great, I thought, he's going to dance around the subject. Maybe I should remind him that I can't stay on break all night just to talk to guys who want to get in my pants.

JEREMY: Have you had sex with Eli?
ME: What?

I knocked over even more textbooks.

ME: Why do you--
JEREMY: Look, I know you're gay because you told Carter, which means you might as well have taken out a billboard on Smith Street. And the other night, Ritchie saw Eli coming out of Trent Hall really late and looking like he'd just had a workout so--

Wait, that must have been the night he invited me to hang out in Trent 5-10, but I ended up just hanging out with Carter in my dorm room. But who would he have had sex with in 5-10? They're all girls. I mean, it is the party suite, but...

Ugh! I should have gone!

ME: Eli and I haven't had sex. In case you haven't noticed, he isn't exactly out.
JEREMY: Trust me, that doesn't always stop guys.

Then I guess I'm just unlucky.

Now I was pissed. I started walking the aisles looking for more books to shove violently back into place. Jeremy, obviously picking up on how much I wanted to talk, kept on going.

JEREMY: It's just that--since you haven't been out long--and I have--I mean, since I was 16--

While he was talking, I noticed Eli walk in. Before I could say anything, he was standing right behind Jeremy, who had no idea he was there.

JEREMY: --And when you have a guy like Eli, whose in the closet, but will try fooling around with people while he's in the closet which is totally--

Eli waited a few seconds and then tapped Jeremy on the back. Jeremy slowly stopped speaking and then turned around.

ELI: Are you not aware of the OSC rule?
JEREMY: Talk shit about someone and they're probably standing behind you?
ELI: From this point on, you're dead to me.
JEREMY: Eli--
ELI: Don't bother talking to me. You're a liar and you spread gossip about people.
JEREMY: Fine. I'll leave, okay? I don't want to start trouble.
ME: Good idea.

I could tell it stung Jeremy a little that I was urging him to go, but he was the one to make things awkward in the first place. Coming to me like the big gay brother when he really just wanted to beat out the hotter competition.

He left the bookstore and I started putting what I'd knocked over back on the shelf.

ELI: I can't believe him!
ME: Yeah, he definitely seems like a troublemaker.
ELI: Oh my God? Right? Totally.
ME: But I can see why people might talk. I mean, when a gay guy hangs out with a--
ELI: I'm not gay!

It was said so loud that half the store turned around looked at us.

ME: No, but I am.
ELI: You are?
ME: I guess gossip doesn't spread as fast as we think.

Here's where I'm confused though. How could he not know I'm gay? I may never actually have told him, but I definitely made it clear in every other way possible. Long stares. Hanging out with him every free second I have. Suggesting outings--pardon the pun.

ELI: It's cool that you are, Billy. But I'm not.
ME: Okay, that's fine.

I just care that he's hot. I could care less that he doesn't want to admit he's a big flaming homosexual.

ELI: Anyway, I have to go.
ME: Are we still hanging out later tonight?
ELI: No, actually, I have some stuff to do. Cool?
ME: Yeah...um...cool.
ELI: Awesome. See you around.

And he took off. Clearly, Jeremy had put the fear into him, and now he wanted to distance himself.

Now I'm just a horny aardvark surrounded by books on identity.

Thanks Jeremy.