Hi, my name is Jeremy.
RITCHIE: So what are you going to do?
I am engaged in an epic battle of good and evil.
ME: I'm going to tell that catty bitch if he doesn't keep his hands off Billy, I'm going to...going to...
RITCHIE: Send a letter to his grandmother telling her he's a big Mo?
HANK: Take out a billboard on Smith Street saying 'Vote for Ben: He Likes Peen.'
DAVIS: Slash his tires and pee on his windshield?
I had the boys over for a strategy session, but unfortunately it wasn't going too well.
Ever since word had gone around the department that Ben and Billy were hooking up, the overall feeling was:
1) Oh my God! Ben is gay?
and
2) Eh.
I was the only one freaking out about it, since my theory that love conquers superficial attraction seemed to be failing on all accounts.
ME: I have to do something.
DAVIS: Is giving up not an option?
ME: You don't get to weigh on this. You still won't tell me what happened at the RI-TRI meeting the other night that has everyone in an uproar.
RITCHIE: You mean it hasn't gotten posted in the Wilde Blog yet?
DAVIS: Luckily, the meeting's minutes were sealed.
RITCHIE: So it'll be on the Blog next week.
HANK: Probably tomorrow.
ME: Okay, back to me. The hopeless homosexual.
How sad is it that I made devilled eggs for my own strategy committee meeting? This is why Billy doesn't like me. Ben would never do something like this. He's too cool for devilled eggs.
ME: Billy doesn't want devilled eggs.
RITCHIE: Well then he's a fool because these are delicious.
HANK: Jeremy, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
ME: But I don't want other fish. I want my fish. And that's Billy. He's my fish. He's my fish with his own sock drawer.
HANK: Fish don't wear socks.
ME: You know what I mean!
DAVIS: I say just let it go.
And I guess I should have...
But I couldn't.
I let go a lot of things in my life. I let it go when I had a crush on Jenna and Janet Potter (twins) in fifth grade and they both dated Randy Griffith at the SAME TIME! I let it go in middle school when Sarah Aarons dated three Vanilla Ice wannabes in a row years after Vanilla Ice was actually popular. I let it go in high school when three girls I had crushes on all dated the same guy, who was a cross between Freddie Prinze Jr. and a pet rock.
I always sat by and watched what I wanted go to the less worthy guy, while all the good guys in the movies got with the one they wanted in the end.
Well no fucking more!
ME: I'm going over there.
DAVIS: What?
RITCHIE: Where?
ME: To Billy's dorm. I'm going to get my guy.
HANK: He's not your guy!
ME: Has Ben even said they're dating? Has Ben ever even looked proud to have the coolest guy in the world like him? Has he even held his hand in public?
DAVIS: God, I hate when guys do that.
ME: I WOULD! I would do all of that! And more! I would be the proudest person in the world to date Billy. And Ben acts like it's no big deal!
DAVIS: And that's why Billy likes Ben. You're not a challenge, Jeremy.
ME: Well you know what, Davis? You can't love a challenge. You can't even win a challenge, because then it wouldn't have been a challenge in the first place.
HANK: That shit's deep.
ME: I'm going over there, and you guys can ride with me and boost my confidence or you can stay here and eat my devilled eggs.
They all looked at each other.
Cut to me driving to the OSC dorms by myself while my friends ate my canape and spoke with me on speakerphone.
RITCHIE: Don't punch Ben.
ME: I'm not going to punch him.
HANK: I disagree. I say punch him.
DAVIS: I'm with Hank.
ME: You're violent.
DAVIS: And?
RITCHIE: Oh wait! Ben is staying at his parent's house tonight. He told me that in the fish bowl today. He's got some thing early tomorrow morning.
HANK: An STD test?
RITCHIE: I think he's getting dental work done.
ME: Terrific. So, this should be easy.
DAVIS: Piece of cake, Jer.
Meanwhile, my hands were shaking so bad I could barely hold the steering wheel.
I parked my car in the back parking lot. From there I could actually see Billy's window. His curtains were drawn and I could see his shadow moving about his room. I got out of my car, walked three steps, and then stopped.
I couldn't do this.
The fact was--this wasn't a movie. I wasn't Ethan Embry and Billy was certainly not Jennifer Love Hewitt. I'd have just as much luck saying my peace to his shadow than to him.
So that's what I did.
ME: You're with him because he hates himself. He hates himself for being gay and he hates other gay people, and you're with him because you hate yourself for the same reasons, and somehow you've convinced yourself that being with him wouldn't be like being with one of those gay guys you hate so much because of how much he hates them too. Everything you have right now is based on hatred, so how in the hell do you think anything good can come from that? You should be with someone who shows you that you don't have to hate yourself. You can have a good relationship. You can have a family someday. You can have kids. You can have a Saint Bernard named Charlie and a really nicely done basement with a bar and everything--even though you don't drink...maybe it could make fruit smoothies or something...it could be a smoothie bar and...
And then I heard--
VOICE: Jeremy?
I turned around, and there was Billy. I looked at his window as the curtains parted and Ben looked out of the window down at me and Billy. Then I noticed that Billy had a toothbrush, dental floss, and Listerine.
ME: That must be for the dental work tomorrow.
Billy didn't say anything.
ME: How much--
BILLY: All of it.
ME: And...
BILLY: He told me he loved me.
ME: Oh.
BILLY: I said it back.
ME: Oh.
Insert knife in heart. And, done.
BILLY: So it's not what you think.
ME: He won't even hold your hand.
BILLY: That's not important.
ME: It really is though.
BILLY: You're just jealous.
ME: So I'm just really really sad for you.
BILLY: For me? Ha. Why?
ME: Because your first kiss should have been perfect and instead it was with someone whose embarrassed to be seen with you.
BILLY: I really want to punch your lights out right now.
ME: Then do it. I can't feel any worse.
He walked past me, then turned around.
BILLY: You have no reason to like me as much as you do. You don't even know me.
ME: Does he?
BILLY: More than you ever will.
This time he didn't turn back around when he walked away. I saw the curtains close once again, and I knew I had lost.
When I went back to my car, there was another one parked next to me. It was Hank's, and he was standing on the outside leaning against the door.
ME: I thought you weren't coming.
HANK: I thought you'd need me.
ME: He hates me.
HANK: No, he hates himself.
ME: Yeah, but he hates me a lot more.
HANK: He'll come around.
ME: Maybe.
Hank put his arm around me and then ended up just giving me a big hug.
HANK: You'll always have me, Jeremy.
ME: You mean for sexual favors?
HANK: Why do you have to ruin every moment?
ME: It's a defense mechanism.
Then from the car I heard another voice--
RITCHIE: We should sing.
ME: What?
RITCHIE: To mark the passing of your love.
ME: Is Davis back there too?
DAVIS: Yeah, Ritchie was kind of--
HANK: You bitches will get cut if you were fooling around in my backseat.
ME: What should we sing, Ritchie?
RITCHIE: I know!
We all walked to where I was standing before, and quietly--because let's face it, this was insane--started to sing.
RITCHIE:
You can hardly wait to tell all your friends
How his kisses taste sweet like wine
ME:
And how he always makes your heart skip a beat
Every time he walks by
HANK:
And if you're feeling down, he'll pick you up
He'll hold you close when you're making love
He's everything you've been dreaming of
Oh, baby...
ALL of US:
I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine
Telling me more
Than any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
RITCHIE:
Baby, I'm alive...I'm so alive...
ME: Are you seriously riffing right now?
RITCHIE: What?
Maybe to you
All I am
Is the invisible man...
And that was that.
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