The Confession

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

MAURY: Jeremy, you're up.

I am about to sing.

ME: Hi, my name is Jeremy and I will be singing 'I Honestly Love You' from The Boy from Oz.
HANK: You mean from Olivia Newton John's Greatest Hits?
ME: I'm singing it--clearly--in the show's context.
MAURY: Go ahead, Kira. Blow us away.

Even Maury can be catty sometimes.

I was really hoping Billy would be in class. This was one of the songs I can actually do well, and he would have been a great focal point.

Maybe I hang around here
A little more than I should
We both know
I've got somewhere else to go

When I asked Carter where Billy was, he said he'd been sick all day and was holed up in his dorm room.

I thought about stopping to check in on him, but after making a fool of myself in the bookstore during the Eli debacle, I wasn't too sure I was ready to see him again.

Instead I went home after class, killed time playing free rice for about an hour, took a nap, and then got ready to go out.

Since my roommate Davis has been noticeably chilly to me since I confessed to him that I was kissed by our neighbor who happens to be in a relationship, I opted out of asking him to go out with me. Hank and Ritchie both had plans, which meant I would be flying solo for the night. Usually this would mean I'd be staying far away from the club, but there wasn't much else to do, so that's where I wound up.

When I got there I mostly hung around the second floor. After a few minutes, I felt someone come stand next to me. I turned to find Bart standing there smiling at me.

BART: Hey.
ME: Hi.
BART: No Davis tonight?
ME: Nope.
BART: So, question.
ME: Shoot.
BART: Is there any reason we can't be friends just because you and Davis are?

The easy answer to this question is: We can't be friends because recently your boyfriend kissed me right before you walked into your apartment.

But life doesn't always allow us to use the easy answers.

ME: No, I don't see why not. I know Davis isn't always the easiest person to get along with.
BART: So why are you friends with him?
ME: If you're asking me to badmouth him--
BART: I'm not. I was just wondering.
ME: You very rarely meet people in life who will tell what you don't want to hear when you don't want to hear it. Those people are usually your best friends--whether you know it or not.
BART: And you'd stand by Davis no matter what?
ME: I guess if he torched an animal shelter, we might need to have words, but yeah, for the most part, I would.
BART: I just thought I'd warn you.
ME: Warn me?

All of a sudden I was in a sci-fi movie trailer.

BART: This community--it's in trouble, Bart. There's a gap widening in it. Pretty soon people are going to have to choose sides.
ME: You mean your side or--
BART: That's not--
ME: That's exactly what you mean.

He didn't say anything, meaning he didn't see the point in pretending anymore. I knew that the best thing to do would be to be nice to Bart considering the circumstances, meaning my incredible guilt, but nobody was going to make me give up Davis for any reason. Through thick and thin, he's always been one of the best parts of my life.

BART: I think you're a good guy, Jeremy.

Oh, if he only knew...

BART: I just want to make sure you don't get trampled when the stampede hits.
ME: I plan on watching the whole thing from a nearby hillside, Bart--complete with virgin daiquiris.
BART: Suit yourself.

With that final touch, he walked away from me.

I don't know why, but not confessing to Bart made me feel like I had to atone in some other way for something else I did wrong.

ME: Billy, are you awake?

An hour later, after bailing on the club and stopping back at home, I was at Billy's dorm room.

The door opened and there was Billy. He was, in fact, quite sick. I would say death warmed over, but it was more like death in the freezer.

BILLY: Do you know what time it is?
ME: Twelve thirty-seven.
BILLY: You're not actually supposed to answer that.
ME: Sorry. Can I come in?
BILLY: I really don't feel well.
ME: I promise I won't make you do any heavy lifting. I just need you to listen to what I have to say.

He stood out of the way to let me enter. I think he was just too weak to protest anymore. His room was neat, minus the overflow of tissues coming out of the wastebasket.

ME: I went home before I came here and put together a little 'sorry you're sick' package.

I showed him the gym bag I brought to carry everything in.

ME: I have the DVD of Spaceballs, a mega ginger ale, soothing sounds of the Burmese rainforest, and an electric blanket.
BILLY: Oh...thanks.

Clearly, he was still feeling a little awkward about the other day.

BILLY: I'm sorry, but I have trouble standing for more than a few minutes. Would you mind if I--
ME: Oh sure, lay down. Go ahead.

He got into bed and I sat down next to him.

BILLY: So did you just come to bring the--
ME: No, actually. I...uh...I sort of have a confession to make.

I couldn't believe I was really about to do this.

BILLY: A confession?
ME: Yes. It's just...It's a little...
BILLY: Would it be easier for you to write it on my dry-erase board?
ME: No, some things just can't be said with magic marker.
BILLY: Okay.

Take a deep breath, I told myself. Nice and easy.

ME: All right, so...Hang on, let me put on the Burmese rainforest.

I did. Don't ask me why.

ME: Sound all right?
BILLY: Isn't the Burmese rainforest where they slaughter gorillas?
ME: That might be those distant shrieks in the background.

Wow Jeremy, you're on a roll.

It was time to speak from the heart.

ME: Billy, um, the first...I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous because I haven't known you very long at all...

In my head, I was hearing my song from class.

But I've got something to tell you
That I never thought I would
And it's something you really ought to know

ME: I honestly really truly care about you a lot. I don't know why. I wish I could express it better. I'm usually incredibly good at expressing myself, but when I'm around you I lose every single fancy word and cool metaphor and expressive...ah, see what I mean? It's like I have this life that I think is so great, but it's so complicated sometimes, and then I meet you and suddenly I can see those complications, and I can see them because you bring out this simple thing that I understand so clearly and it's not difficult at all, it just...

And I kept telling myself, if you can say the right thing, you can do this. You can win him over. He'll fall head over heels for you and everything will be grand. There'll be weekend trips to New York where you'll ice skate together in Rockefeller Plaza. Friday night movies in his room with pizza and laughing and falling asleep next to each other. Errands together that don't feel like errands. Doing laundry together. Failed attempts at dinner where you'll set pasta on fire and he'll laugh at you and then show you what you did wrong. Parties where from across the room you smile at each other knowing you're going home together. Beach days and coffeeshop afternoons and running through empty city streets as if you're the only two people left in the entire world if you can just say the right thing.

It's all about saying the right thing.

But all I can say is--

ME: ...I wish I were the guy I think you deserve.

I couldn't believe I uttered something so vulnerable. I usually never let myself be that exposed. For a second I was worried, and then I heard...nothing. Just deep breathing.

He was asleep.

So then there was a deep sigh of relief, followed by me putting the electric blanket over him and quietly exiting the room as the residents of Burma went on with their night.