Recent Studies

Hi, my name is Ben.

ELI: You missed class again.

I am in need of a better f**k buddy.

ME: Did I? I hadn't noticed.

I was too busy sucking you off.

ELI: Well Karen did.

Karen is my tap teacher, and when you miss a class she makes your life a living, time-stepping hell for at least three classes after that.

I managed to crawl into the lounge at 12:30 after hooking up with a boy in North Kingston last night and driving all the way back to campus. There was no chance of me making my class, and I was beginning to see why so many people opt for the on-campus f**k buddy. Convenience can be the most attractive thing about a person.

So I resolved to forget about boys more than half an hour away and find someone no further than the next dorm over. Just think--hook up in between classes, alternate whose room you spend the night in, never late because of a long drive.

And who cares who it is that offers? The first decent looking guy to--

ELI: Hey Ben, what are you up to tonight?

Of course, there are limits.

Before I could answer, Jeremy, Ritchie, and Nick walked into the fishbowl. Things still aren't too great between Jeremy and me, but today he seemed preoccupied with something else anyway.

RITCHIE: So that's it? You're giving up?
JEREMY: Ritchie, not really the place--
ELI: Yeah, I'll be going now.
JEREMY: Eli, you can't still be mad at--
ELI: Is that the wind talking? Does the wind have a voice?

Eli walked past Jeremy and out the door.

HANK: The wind doesn't, but apparently the closet door does and it won't shut up.

Everyone sat down. I couldn't help my curiosity. I addressed Jeremy.

ME: Why's Eli mad at you?
RITCHIE: Because Jeremy cockblocked him.
ME: What?
JEREMY: That's not how it happened.
HANK: Jeremy blew up Eli's spot with Billy. He let him know that people were watching and now Eli barely ever talks to him anymore--or Billy.

Billy...Right. Carter's friend. He's actually pretty...

CARTER: Hey guys!

Speak of the devil.

BILLY: Hey everybody.

And the potential.

RITCHIE: Hey Billy, how are you feeling?
BILLY: Much better thanks.

I noticed something wrong with Carter's t-shirt.

ME: Carter, your--
BILLY: It's grammatically incorrect.
CARTER: He keeps saying that, but I don't know what that means.
BILLY: It says 'Your Too Sexy.' That deals with possession. It should be 'you are.'
CARTER: Yeah, but I didn't have room on the t-shirt for the word 'are.'
HANK: If someone dug a hole in the ground, would you just fall into it?
CARTER: I don't think so.
HANK: Want to give it a try?

Billy had taken out a notebook and was jotting things down.

BILLY: Can I ask you guys a question?
RITCHIE: 8.8 cut, Versatile bottom, and 2xist boxer briefs.
BILLY: Yeah, none of those. Sorry.
CARTER: 8.8? That's almost nine.
HANK: Counting! Good! Anyone got a milk bone?
JEREMY: So what is the question?

Billy read from a sheet in a folder in the front of his notebook. It was sort of cute, I'll admit.

BILLY: It's for my psychology class. We're doing a survey based on what people choose their mates based on--personality or appearance.
RITCHIE: Are money and an unending sense of generosity options?
BILLY: Recent studies show that when choosing a mate, a person is three times more likely to go with someone they know is not good for them, rather than go with someone who will be beneficial to them in life.
HANK: Fascinating.
ME: Why do they do that?
BILLY: Attraction. It's all about attraction.
JEREMY: So people will date someone they don't like--
BILLY: Marry even.
JEREMY: Okay. And because of the way someone looks.
BILLY: Science believes we can't fight our attractions.
ME: I agree. A guy could be the nicest guy in the world. He do stuff for you like take care of you when you're sick and take you out for picnic lunches, but if you don't find him attractive he might as well not even exist.

Did I really believe that? Of course I do. At least as far as gay men are concerned, but I couldn't say that.

JEREMY: I disagree. Looks will fade, but a person who cares about you and stays with you through better and worse, that's what you should be attracted to. Stability. Kindness. A mean egg and bacon omellette recipe--
ME: Yeah, I guess when we're all eighty it won't matter, but for now it does. You can for better or worse it all you want, but the fact is, people will overlook anything to be with someone they think is hot.
JEREMY: That's ridiculous.
HANK: Now boys, don't get heated...again. You're both pretty.
RITCHIE: Besides, Ben is right.
JEREMY: Ben is not right!

I knew I was right; I don't need that a**hole Ritchie sticking up for me. Better or worse? When has a gay man ever hung around 'for worse'?

JEREMY: Someone could be won over by learning what a sweet and compassionate person they have chasing after them. Look at Zach and Kelly, the college years when she started dating Professor Lasky, Laura and Urkel, Ethan Embry and Jennifer Love Hewitt in Can't Hardly Wait.
ME: Can you name anyone real?

This stumped him. I hate when people use the Cinderella argument. 'Well, it happened to Cinderella! It might happen to me!" I'm surprised more people don't believe in the Easter Bunny.

RITCHIE: As much as I'd love to sit around and play 'Never Have I Ever' the Intro. to Psych edition, I have to get to class.
HANK: Me, too.
CARTER: I have to go nap.
BILLY: You don't have class?
CARTER: I said I was going to nap, didn't I?

Soon everyone filed out except for me and Jeremy. This was the first time we'd been alone since our argument.

JEREMY: You really believe all that, don't you? All that shallow--
ME: At least I'm practical.
JEREMY: Well, you're wrong. Appearance might be the first thing guys go for but--
ME: It's not just appearance, Jeremy. It's mystique. It's distance. It's letting someone know they're never going to have you so that all they'll want is you. It's all a game.
JEREMY: I don't buy it. Maybe you think that way because--

Billy walked back into the room--

BILLY: Forgot my notebook.

--And walked back out again...giving me an idea.

ME: You know, I could help you out and prove my point all at the same time.
JEREMY: What are you talking about?
ME: I could make it so that you'd never have to worry about Billy being hung up over Eli again and I could show you what it is people really respond to.

I saw his eyes narrow and his head tilt a bit. Was he actually trying to look menacing? He got up and walked over to me so that our faces were inches apart.

JEREMY: If you even try it, I'll eradicate you.
ME: Is that a challenge?
JEREMY: I'm warning you, Ben--
ME: Who do you think you are? Warning me? You don't run the show around here, Jeremy, despite popular opinion, mainly yours.
JEREMY: I wouldn't put that to the test if I were you.
ME: But that's exactly what I want to do.

Plus, if I recall correctly, Billy lives on campus.

JEREMY: Just stay away from him.
ME: Don't tell me what to do. Just because he doesn't go for the 'I'll bake you cookies and make you a care package' bullshit doesn't mean he's not ready for some action. I know what guys like him want.
JEREMY: How?
ME: In case you haven't noticed, I am a guy like him.
JEREMY: He's a good person. So just leave him alone.
ME: You had your chance and you blew it. Maybe if you'd let this dangerous side of you show a little more--
JEREMY: Fuck off.

Then he picked up his stuff and walked out.

Well well...

Game on.