So Confused

Hi, my name is Hank.

JEREMY: So then he kissed me and shoved me in his bedroom.
ME: Oooh...Get you.
JEREMY: No, to hide me from his boyfriend who was coming in the apartment at that moment.
ME: Oooh...Get you...

I'm constantly befuddled by life.

Jeremy and I were at Flashback Night at Prism, or as I like to call it, Prison. I allow him to drag me to a gay club even though I still maintain that I like chicks. Although calling them chicks is probably a sure sign that I don't like them the way I say I do.

ME: Men suck. They cheat, they lie--
JEREMY: They kiss you for no reason.
ME: Yeah, that too.

We were standing on the second floor looking down into the crowd of grinding, coked up twinks. Hey, what else are you going to do on a Wednesday?

I still hadn't said anything to Jeremy about his roommate and Ritchie.

RITCHIE: Hey boys.

Speak of the slutbag.

RITCHIE: Why aren't you dancing?
ME: I'm not drunk enough yet.
JEREMY: I'm a little...Oh, I don't know what I am.
RITCHIE: Poorly dressed?
JEREMY: I wasn't asking for suggestions.
RITCHIE: Oh, well come on, let's go groove. Is Davis coming?

I bit my tongue, but then--

JEREMY: You'd be the authority on that. Pun intended.

WHAT?

ME: You know he's sleeping with Davis?
RITCHIE: You told him?
ME and JEREMY: No!
JEREMY: Wait, no, how do you know that, Hank?
ME: I walked in on the two of them when I was over your apartment.
RITCHIE: Right, I forgot about that.
JEREMY: So Hank knew before I did.
ME: Trust me, if I could erase the memory I could. It was like switching to the Discovery Channel by accident and seeing that show where the giraffe gives birth.
JEREMY: I love that show!

Awkward silence.

RITCHIE: I'm going to go dance. See you boys on the floor?
ME: As soon as I'm so plastered I can't remember where I am.
RITCHIE: It's a date! And let Davis know I'm looking for him.
ME: I'll put it on my list of things I never plan on doing.
RITCHIE: Thanks!

Ritchie had only been gone a second when Davis appeared by our side.

DAVIS: Sorry. I was avoiding him.
ME: That's how I treat all my hookups.
DAVIS: What?
JEREMY: Hank, he's not supposed to know we know.
ME: Huh?
DAVIS: He told you?
ME: I didn't say anything.
JEREMY: It's complicated.
ME: You can say that again. I'm going to get a drink.

While I was at the bar, I looked down on the floor and saw Joey and his boyfriend Bart on the dance floor doing what every gay couple does on a dance floor--try not to look like a couple.

I made it back to the randy roommates in time for them to finish their discussion.

JEREMY: We got it all figured out.
ME: Can you explain it to me?
JEREMY: Not even if we tried.
ME: Great. Jeremy, your little make-out buddy is on the dance floor.
DAVIS: That guy Billy is here?
JEREMY: Hank!
HANK: No, Joey--

Jeremy hit me. I hit him back, but I underestimated my strength and he fell to the floor. Davis looked stunned.

ME: Oops.
DAVIS: Joey? He made out with Joey?

Jeremy stood up.

JEREMY: I didn't tell him that part.
DAVIS: You made out with him?
JEREMY: No, he just kissed me.
DAVIS: He's seeing someone!
JEREMY: I know, and Bart--
DAVIS: Oh, forget Bart!
JEREMY: But--
DAVIS: I'm going downstairs.

That was surprising. Davis actually seemed bothered by something. Joey and I were both pretty taken aback.

JEREMY: Why the hell was he so mad?
ME: Maybe he's mad someone might finally beat him in the King Slut competition?
JEREMY: Hey!
ME: I have to use the men's room.
JEREMY: Wait! What if Bart and Joey come up here?
ME: Try and look norm--oh, forget it. Just run and hide.
JEREMY: Good idea.

The men's room upstairs was packed so I went downstairs instead. I thought I saw an empty stall towards the end, but as soon as I got to it and pushed it open, I saw that there were people in it.

ME: Damn, I'm so--

Those two guys were Davis and Joey.

ME: --confused.

I need to stop running into people like this.