Ritchie's Plans

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

I'm not what I would consider a "troublemaker."

ME: Oh, hello.
JOEY: Hi.

But then again, I'm not a saint either.

ME: So what was Joey doing here?
JEREMY: He needed to borrow sugar.
ME: Are you serious? Is it 1957 and nobody told me?

I had gone over Jeremy's so that he could cook me dinner. Jeremy always insists on learning how to cook and it always ends in utter disaster, but nevertheless, I let him try.

When I arrived, I bumped into Joey just leaving, which for a number of reasons was rather awkward for me.

For one thing, I'm blackmailing Joey's lover so that Jeremy doesn't find out that Joey's lover is his roommate and best friend Davis, although I'm not sure Joey knows that.

Got it?

ME: I thought maybe you and Joey--
JEREMY: God, you're the second person to suggest that. Does nobody remember that Joey has a boyfriend?

I'm not sure even Joey remembers that.

ME: That relationship seems a little off to me.
JEREMY: Joey seems happy enough.
ME: Things aren't always what they appear to be.

Jeremy was attempting to do some sort of stir fry. This worried me, but I had something else on my mind. When Joey breaks up with Bart, which I'm assuming he's bound to do eventually, he'll inevitably end up corralling Davis into a relationship whether Davis wants one or not, and then Davis will come clean to Jeremy and my nice little symbiotic agreement will be null and void.

Unless, of course, Joey ends up dating someone else once Bart is out of the picture.

ME: I think you and Joey would be an adorable couple.
JEREMY: I'm taken, remember?
ME: Being in love with bookstore Billy does not qualify you as 'taken,' Jeremy. Don't be a fool.
JEREMY: You don't think it would be even more foolish to fall for a taken man?

I hate when he uses logic while I'm trying to manipulate.

ME: Billy isn't even out.
JEREMY: Not yet.
ME: He also seems to be pretty comfortable in the closet.
JEREMY: What do you mean?

This was where I pulled out a little bit of information I'd been storing.

ME: I saw Eli leaving Trent Hall the other night at 3am looking pretty disheveled.
JEREMY: What were you doing at Trent Hall at 3am?
ME: I was driving home and I cut through campus.
JEREMY: At 3am?
ME: We're not talking about my sluttery here. We're talking about Eli and your little crush.
JEREMY: Eli has tons of friends. He could have just been visiting one of them.
ME: No, he had an after-sex glow. I could tell.
JEREMY: You drove by him!
ME: I could see an after-sex glow from three miles away. I have a sensor for it. He'd had sex, trust me. And Billy's the only gay in Trent Hall.

Jeremy looked like he wanted to say something, but he stopped himself.

ME: Aside from that closet case Carter, but Eli hasn't been hanging out with him every waking second. That honor goes to Bookstore Billy.

I could see this was digging into Jeremy, which was sort of awful of me, but nonetheless it was true and convenient, so what could I do?

Jeremy added vegetables to the pan.

JEREMY: So what are you saying? I should just give up.
ME: I'm seeing keep your eye on the attractive, openly gay boy just a few doors down from you. Almost all good relationships are based on good accessibility.
JEREMY: That's a scary thought.
ME: But true.

I debated telling Jeremy the next bit of information. For one thing, I promised I wouldn't, and it was half the reason Davis was sleeping with me in the first place, but lately it had begun to seem like it was unavoidable that Jeremy would find out anyway, and when he did, I'd lose some of his trust. And I just couldn't have that.

ME: Jeremy, if I admit something to you, will you promise to vault it?
JEREMY: Uh oh. It has to go into the vault?
ME: Yes, definitely.
JEREMY: Fine.
ME: I'm serious.
JEREMY: It's vaulted, it's vaulted. What am I putting in the vault?
ME: I'm sleeping with Davis.

He turned around so fast he spilled bacon bits everywhere.

JEREMY: What?!?
ME: Are you actually putting bacon bits in stir fry?
JEREMY: Don't--You--What?
ME: Surprise.
JEREMY: I thought you and Davis hated each other.
ME: Well, he does hate me.
JEREMY: And you don't hate him?
ME: No, I do.

That was a lie. I'd actually been thinking lately that I'm falling for him. Hey, you can have someone give you sixteen orgasms in a week and not fall in love with them.

JEREMY: So why are you two sleeping together?
ME: Haven't you ever had hatred sex? It's hot.
JEREMY: Hatred sex?
ME: It's all the rage. Ba dum bum.

Jeremy looked positively unnerved by all this information. Perhaps I should have leaked all this out over time, but--

JEREMY: I can't believe it.
ME: You're on fire.
JEREMY: No, I'm not mad. I mean--
ME: No, literally, you're on fire. Turn around.

Whatever was in the pan had lit up like a fireplace. Jeremy quickly moved the pan to the sink. With any luck, that would distract him while I decided how to answer the questions he was bound to have.

Well, I thought, now we're cooking.