Drunk Dial

Hi, my name is Eli.

ME: Vershurmanerto!

I am drizunk at the momizzle.

ME: Party!!!

Right now I am at a party. I don't know whose throwing the party. I don't know whose house this is. I don't even know whose making out with me right now.

HA!

RANDOM DRUNK GIRL: Did you like that?
ME: Um, yeah baby! Woo!
RANDOM DRUNK GIRL: Want to get naked?
ME: I can't. I'm waiting for marriage.
RANDOM DRUNK GIRL: Are you serious?
ME: I like your hair. It's nice and short. You look like a boy.
RANDOM DRUNK GIRL: What?
ME: OMG, so sorry. Love.

Yeah, time to get out of here.

I went out on the porch and stood next to some girl who was throwing up into a trash can on the street below us. Major hotness, right?

Being the drunken doozer that I am, I called Billy Goat, the mizzle.

BILLY: Hello?
ME: Bilbo Baby!
BILLY: Eli?
ME: The only.
BILLY: It's 3am.
ME: It's a Tuesday! Wake up, bitch! Haha...
BILLY: Are you drunk?
ME: Yes, and um, I want to suck you off.
BILLY: What?
ME: Kidding! But kind of not. No, totally. You want to? Just kidding! HA!
BILLY: Are you--
ME: Gotta go!

I hung up the phone and went back into the party. At some point during the evening, I got into a car and was escorted to a nearby beach where I was placed on the sand, had my coat thrown over me, and passed out.

WTF right?

When I woke up the next morning, I was super pissed. I took out my phone to call someone to come get me. That was when I saw the text message.

TEXT FROM RITCHIE: Are you serious?

Oh shiz. I checked my sent box.

TEXT FROM ME: I bet you have a big d**k.
TEXT FROM RITCHIE: Who is this?
TEXT FROM ME: Eli.
TEXT FROM RITCHIE: Aren't you straight?
TEXT FROM ME: Not tonight. Wanna f**k?
TEXT FROM RITCHIE: Okay. Where are you?

Oh damn! I need to stop drinking.

The phone rang.

ME: Hate Your Life Incorporated, Eli speaking.
JEREMY: Eli?
ME: Um...Hey Jeremy. Awkward.
JEREMY: Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to be talking to you since I'm dead to you and all, but you called me last night and left a message on my voicemail.
ME: Lies?
JEREMY: No, no lies. Something about wanting to lick my--
ME: Incoming call. Please hold.

I switched over.

CARTER: Heeeeeey Eli.

Kill me. Kill me now.