Cocktails

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

RITCHIE: I brought potstickers.

I bring potstickers.

JEREMY: Why would you do that?
RITCHIE: Because they're cheaper than booze, and I am not supplying the liquor at someone else's party. That's your job as the host. Ooohh, deviled eggs!

Jeremy was throwing a cocktail party, and he invited me to be the only other single gay man there. The other guests were all living in the barren land of coupledom.

This was the guest list:

PJ and Ronnie - PJ refuses to have monogamous sex unless he gets boyfriend benefits, and Ronnie's dumb as a post and will pretty much say yes to anything.

Gregory and George - Gregory bounces from relationship to relationship and George is his latest boing. George is settling for Gregory because the sex is good and for right now, good sex in Rhode Island is hard to find.

Rick and David - Rick and David supposedly have an open relationship, but Rick is well aware that David really wants them to be exclusive and only says what they have is open so that Rick will commit in any way, shape, or form to him without feeling like he has to give up being the manwhore that he is.

And then there's good old Ritchie.

Every time I hang around these people I feel like I should be belting "Being Alive" and watching Elaine Stritch try to remember the words to "The Little Things You Do Together."

I went into the kitchen to help Jeremy with the last minute snacks and catch up on last night's drama.

JEREMY: ...So I thought we were going to have to take him to the hospital but then he came to.
ME: That poor little gay.
JEREMY: I am never letting Carter near Davis again--or Bart for that matter.
ME: Oh please. That'll be like trying to keep a moth from a flame.
JEREMY: Consider me flame-retardent then.
ME: And will your roommate be making an appearance tonight?
JEREMY: You mean your little flinging buddy? Absolutely not. I want a nice quiet evening.
ME: What a shame. I was hoping for a little razz ma tazz.
JEREMY: Who are you--Al Jolson?

We went into the living room where the pairs were assembled two by two.

JEREMY: So, whose up for a rousing game of Taboo?

Just then, the door opened and Davis flew in.

DAVIS: Sorry.
JEREMY: Davis!
DAVIS: I know, I know, but I forgot my phone.
ME: You have no idea how much trouble that gets him into.

The couples looked sad to hear Davis wasn't staying.

GEORGE: Why can't he stick around?
JEREMY: He has people to do, places to see--
RONNY: Davis, really?
DAVIS: Sorry boys. Maybe another night.
PJ: God, I don't miss that part of bachelorhood.

I saw Davis stop. He wasn't sure if he'd been indirectly insulted. PJ had just dipped his toe into dangerous waters.

DAVIS: What do you mean, PJ?
PJ: Just all that bopping around. It's so much nicer to be settled down with somebody you love.

Yup. Definitely an insult. I saw Jeremy close his eyes and shake his head. He knew what was inevitably coming.

RONNIE: PJ, I'm sure Davis' life--
PJ: I mean, it just seems like such an empty existence.

It was official. PJ had just run in front of the bull wearing a flowing red gown.

Davis smiled, and then began the rampage...

DAVIS: As opposed to your life?
PJ: Well--
DAVIS: Your life, you mean, is so much more fulfilling?
PJ: Well it is.
DAVID: Davis, you have to admit--

Oh God, now they were all asking for it.

DAVIS: Rick, would you like to go in my room and have sex?
RICK: What?
DAVID: Excuse me?
JEREMY: Dear God...

Davis just sat on the couch next to Rick and put his arm around him.

DAVIS: I mean, you and David do have an open relationship, right?
RICK: Um...we--
DAVID: It's not that open.
DAVIS: So you don't want to have sex with me, Rick?
RICK: I guess I--
DAVID: Rick!
DAVIS: I remember when you used to send me texts at three am begging to come over and suck me off.
DAVID: He's in a relationship now!
RICK: An open relationship!
DAVID: Rick!
RICK: What? We talked about this. I can do whatever I want.
DAVID: But you know how it makes me feel!

Davis was just warming up.

DAVIS: What about you PJ? You game?
PJ: Not a chance.
DAVIS: Ronnie?
RONNIE: Okay.
PJ: What?
RONNIE: C'mon, we're just dating because you're all picky about titles and shit.
PJ: That is not true at all!
RICK: So why did you let me think--
DAVID: I was just trying to--

And then the finale.

DAVIS: Hey George, that blowjob last week was fantastic.
GREG: What?
DAVIS: Sorry Gregory, I know I should have resisted inviting George over, but I figured your relationship could take the test.
GEORGE: Oh God...
DAVIS: But it failed mulitple choice and essay.

God, this was better than Vegas.

Soon all the couples were screaming at each other, and before long, the entire room was cleared, with the exception of Ronnie who was waiting in Davis' room for his promised tryst.

ME: Davis, you sure can clear a room.
JEREMY: That was worse walking in on the RI-TRI orgy.
DAVIS: I won't have anyone judge me. Especially not a bunch of queers who think they're above everyone else because they managed to get some shitty settlement deal in the kingdom of monogamy.
ME: You mean the barren wasteland of coupledom?
DAVIS: Whatever. Do you want to have a threeway with Ronnie? It might make things go quicker.

I'd love to say I didn't go, but instead I'll just mention that Jeremy is currently not speaking to me.

And it was totally worth it.