Goodbye Bart

Hi, my name is Davis.

RITCHIE: Want to go shower?

I'm living in a hell of my own making.

ME: Sure, why not.
RITCHIE: Just give me five more minutes.
ME: Why do you aways have to sleep in?
RITCHIE: I'm a princess. That's what we do.
ME: Tell you what, princess. If I'm in the shower and out again before you get up; then you can shower at your house. Deal?
RITCHIE: Mmm...

He rolled over and went back to sleep.

The blackmailing should have been over a long time ago, but I still don't want Ritchie to tell Jeremy about Joey and--

ME: Bart?

I had walked out of my bedroom to find Jeremy serving Bart scrambled eggs in my kitchen.

BART: Good morning, Davis.
ME: Um, Jeremy?
JEREMY: Bart came by to tell us he's moving.
ME: Oh...That's so...sad.
BART: I'm going to California. My mom lives there.
ME: And he, like a mature adult, wanted to bury the hatchet before he left.

Bury the hatchet where? In my forehead?

Knock, Knock.

JEREMY: Davis, are you having a morning fling I should know about?
ME: Jeremy, um--

He opened the front door and Joey was standing there.

JEREMY: Oh...Hey Joey.
JOEY: Hey Jer. Davis, I got your note, what's up?
ME: My note?
BART: Actually it was my note. I just signed your name.
JOEY, JEREMY: What?

Then I heard the ominous sound of my bedroom door opening.

RITCHIE: So are we getting lathered up or--Oh!
JOEY: Uh...
ME: Okay, so this is bad.

Bart wiped off his mouth with a napkin and stood.

BART: I just thought before I left I'd show your new boyfriend the man you truly are.
JOEY: Davis, what is he doing here?
ME: He's not my boyfriend.
JEREMY: Wait, which one isn't? What's going on?
BART: Davis has been sleeping with my boy--sorry, ex-boyfriend.
ME: You've been sleeping with Joey?
BART: And he's been sleeping with Ritchie to keep Ritchie from telling his best buddy and roommate.
RITCHIE: How did you--
BART: It was all in the Wilde Blog this morning.
ME: What?

That's impossible. I had those minutes sealed.

BART: Since I'm no longer on the RI-TRI committee, I decided to spill my guts in an e-mail to Mr. Wilde himself...or herself. Whatever.
ME: You little scumbag.
JEREMY: Davis, how could you do this? And Joey--
JOEY: You've been sleeping with someone to keep them quiet?
RITCHIE: Trust me, that's the only way to keep me quiet sometimes...And I'm going now.

He went back into the room and shut the door.

JOEY: I'm out of here. Bart, get the rest of your stuff and leave me the hell alone.

He disappeared.

JEREMY: Thank you for the visit, Bart. I echo Joey's sentiments. Davis...

Please, please, please don't be--

JEREMY: I love you, and you know that, but in moments like these, it makes it really hard to defend you.

He disappeared.

The bedroom door opened.

RITCHIE: Gotta go. Let me know when the drama llama leaves. Ttfn, Bart.
BART: Bye Ritchie.

He disappeared.

ME: Are you happy now?
BART: Ecstatic.

Bart got up and walked to the front door.

BART: Oh, one more thing, someone slashed all your tires.
ME: What?!
BART: Yeah, you might want to look into that. Whoever did it was a nasty little bitch.

And with a smile, he was gone.

It Ain't Over Till the Catty Gays Sing

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

RITCHIE: So what are you going to do?

I am engaged in an epic battle of good and evil.

ME: I'm going to tell that catty bitch if he doesn't keep his hands off Billy, I'm going to...going to...
RITCHIE: Send a letter to his grandmother telling her he's a big Mo?
HANK: Take out a billboard on Smith Street saying 'Vote for Ben: He Likes Peen.'
DAVIS: Slash his tires and pee on his windshield?

I had the boys over for a strategy session, but unfortunately it wasn't going too well.

Ever since word had gone around the department that Ben and Billy were hooking up, the overall feeling was:

1) Oh my God! Ben is gay?

and

2) Eh.

I was the only one freaking out about it, since my theory that love conquers superficial attraction seemed to be failing on all accounts.

ME: I have to do something.
DAVIS: Is giving up not an option?
ME: You don't get to weigh on this. You still won't tell me what happened at the RI-TRI meeting the other night that has everyone in an uproar.
RITCHIE: You mean it hasn't gotten posted in the Wilde Blog yet?
DAVIS: Luckily, the meeting's minutes were sealed.
RITCHIE: So it'll be on the Blog next week.
HANK: Probably tomorrow.
ME: Okay, back to me. The hopeless homosexual.

How sad is it that I made devilled eggs for my own strategy committee meeting? This is why Billy doesn't like me. Ben would never do something like this. He's too cool for devilled eggs.

ME: Billy doesn't want devilled eggs.
RITCHIE: Well then he's a fool because these are delicious.
HANK: Jeremy, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
ME: But I don't want other fish. I want my fish. And that's Billy. He's my fish. He's my fish with his own sock drawer.
HANK: Fish don't wear socks.
ME: You know what I mean!
DAVIS: I say just let it go.

And I guess I should have...

But I couldn't.

I let go a lot of things in my life. I let it go when I had a crush on Jenna and Janet Potter (twins) in fifth grade and they both dated Randy Griffith at the SAME TIME! I let it go in middle school when Sarah Aarons dated three Vanilla Ice wannabes in a row years after Vanilla Ice was actually popular. I let it go in high school when three girls I had crushes on all dated the same guy, who was a cross between Freddie Prinze Jr. and a pet rock.

I always sat by and watched what I wanted go to the less worthy guy, while all the good guys in the movies got with the one they wanted in the end.

Well no fucking more!

ME: I'm going over there.
DAVIS: What?
RITCHIE: Where?
ME: To Billy's dorm. I'm going to get my guy.
HANK: He's not your guy!
ME: Has Ben even said they're dating? Has Ben ever even looked proud to have the coolest guy in the world like him? Has he even held his hand in public?
DAVIS: God, I hate when guys do that.
ME: I WOULD! I would do all of that! And more! I would be the proudest person in the world to date Billy. And Ben acts like it's no big deal!
DAVIS: And that's why Billy likes Ben. You're not a challenge, Jeremy.
ME: Well you know what, Davis? You can't love a challenge. You can't even win a challenge, because then it wouldn't have been a challenge in the first place.
HANK: That shit's deep.
ME: I'm going over there, and you guys can ride with me and boost my confidence or you can stay here and eat my devilled eggs.

They all looked at each other.

Cut to me driving to the OSC dorms by myself while my friends ate my canape and spoke with me on speakerphone.

RITCHIE: Don't punch Ben.
ME: I'm not going to punch him.
HANK: I disagree. I say punch him.
DAVIS: I'm with Hank.
ME: You're violent.
DAVIS: And?
RITCHIE: Oh wait! Ben is staying at his parent's house tonight. He told me that in the fish bowl today. He's got some thing early tomorrow morning.
HANK: An STD test?
RITCHIE: I think he's getting dental work done.
ME: Terrific. So, this should be easy.
DAVIS: Piece of cake, Jer.

Meanwhile, my hands were shaking so bad I could barely hold the steering wheel.

I parked my car in the back parking lot. From there I could actually see Billy's window. His curtains were drawn and I could see his shadow moving about his room. I got out of my car, walked three steps, and then stopped.

I couldn't do this.

The fact was--this wasn't a movie. I wasn't Ethan Embry and Billy was certainly not Jennifer Love Hewitt. I'd have just as much luck saying my peace to his shadow than to him.

So that's what I did.

ME: You're with him because he hates himself. He hates himself for being gay and he hates other gay people, and you're with him because you hate yourself for the same reasons, and somehow you've convinced yourself that being with him wouldn't be like being with one of those gay guys you hate so much because of how much he hates them too. Everything you have right now is based on hatred, so how in the hell do you think anything good can come from that? You should be with someone who shows you that you don't have to hate yourself. You can have a good relationship. You can have a family someday. You can have kids. You can have a Saint Bernard named Charlie and a really nicely done basement with a bar and everything--even though you don't drink...maybe it could make fruit smoothies or something...it could be a smoothie bar and...

And then I heard--

VOICE: Jeremy?

I turned around, and there was Billy. I looked at his window as the curtains parted and Ben looked out of the window down at me and Billy. Then I noticed that Billy had a toothbrush, dental floss, and Listerine.

ME: That must be for the dental work tomorrow.

Billy didn't say anything.

ME: How much--
BILLY: All of it.
ME: And...
BILLY: He told me he loved me.
ME: Oh.
BILLY: I said it back.
ME: Oh.

Insert knife in heart. And, done.

BILLY: So it's not what you think.
ME: He won't even hold your hand.
BILLY: That's not important.
ME: It really is though.
BILLY: You're just jealous.
ME: So I'm just really really sad for you.
BILLY: For me? Ha. Why?
ME: Because your first kiss should have been perfect and instead it was with someone whose embarrassed to be seen with you.
BILLY: I really want to punch your lights out right now.
ME: Then do it. I can't feel any worse.

He walked past me, then turned around.

BILLY: You have no reason to like me as much as you do. You don't even know me.
ME: Does he?
BILLY: More than you ever will.

This time he didn't turn back around when he walked away. I saw the curtains close once again, and I knew I had lost.

When I went back to my car, there was another one parked next to me. It was Hank's, and he was standing on the outside leaning against the door.

ME: I thought you weren't coming.
HANK: I thought you'd need me.
ME: He hates me.
HANK: No, he hates himself.
ME: Yeah, but he hates me a lot more.
HANK: He'll come around.
ME: Maybe.

Hank put his arm around me and then ended up just giving me a big hug.

HANK: You'll always have me, Jeremy.
ME: You mean for sexual favors?
HANK: Why do you have to ruin every moment?
ME: It's a defense mechanism.

Then from the car I heard another voice--

RITCHIE: We should sing.
ME: What?
RITCHIE: To mark the passing of your love.
ME: Is Davis back there too?
DAVIS: Yeah, Ritchie was kind of--
HANK: You bitches will get cut if you were fooling around in my backseat.
ME: What should we sing, Ritchie?
RITCHIE: I know!

We all walked to where I was standing before, and quietly--because let's face it, this was insane--started to sing.

RITCHIE:

You can hardly wait to tell all your friends
How his kisses taste sweet like wine

ME:

And how he always makes your heart skip a beat
Every time he walks by

HANK:

And if you're feeling down, he'll pick you up
He'll hold you close when you're making love
He's everything you've been dreaming of
Oh, baby...

ALL of US:

I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine
Telling me more
Than any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive

RITCHIE:

Baby, I'm alive...I'm so alive...

ME: Are you seriously riffing right now?
RITCHIE: What?

Maybe to you
All I am
Is the invisible man...

And that was that.

Drunk Dial

Hi, my name is Eli.

ME: Vershurmanerto!

I am drizunk at the momizzle.

ME: Party!!!

Right now I am at a party. I don't know whose throwing the party. I don't know whose house this is. I don't even know whose making out with me right now.

HA!

RANDOM DRUNK GIRL: Did you like that?
ME: Um, yeah baby! Woo!
RANDOM DRUNK GIRL: Want to get naked?
ME: I can't. I'm waiting for marriage.
RANDOM DRUNK GIRL: Are you serious?
ME: I like your hair. It's nice and short. You look like a boy.
RANDOM DRUNK GIRL: What?
ME: OMG, so sorry. Love.

Yeah, time to get out of here.

I went out on the porch and stood next to some girl who was throwing up into a trash can on the street below us. Major hotness, right?

Being the drunken doozer that I am, I called Billy Goat, the mizzle.

BILLY: Hello?
ME: Bilbo Baby!
BILLY: Eli?
ME: The only.
BILLY: It's 3am.
ME: It's a Tuesday! Wake up, bitch! Haha...
BILLY: Are you drunk?
ME: Yes, and um, I want to suck you off.
BILLY: What?
ME: Kidding! But kind of not. No, totally. You want to? Just kidding! HA!
BILLY: Are you--
ME: Gotta go!

I hung up the phone and went back into the party. At some point during the evening, I got into a car and was escorted to a nearby beach where I was placed on the sand, had my coat thrown over me, and passed out.

WTF right?

When I woke up the next morning, I was super pissed. I took out my phone to call someone to come get me. That was when I saw the text message.

TEXT FROM RITCHIE: Are you serious?

Oh shiz. I checked my sent box.

TEXT FROM ME: I bet you have a big d**k.
TEXT FROM RITCHIE: Who is this?
TEXT FROM ME: Eli.
TEXT FROM RITCHIE: Aren't you straight?
TEXT FROM ME: Not tonight. Wanna f**k?
TEXT FROM RITCHIE: Okay. Where are you?

Oh damn! I need to stop drinking.

The phone rang.

ME: Hate Your Life Incorporated, Eli speaking.
JEREMY: Eli?
ME: Um...Hey Jeremy. Awkward.
JEREMY: Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to be talking to you since I'm dead to you and all, but you called me last night and left a message on my voicemail.
ME: Lies?
JEREMY: No, no lies. Something about wanting to lick my--
ME: Incoming call. Please hold.

I switched over.

CARTER: Heeeeeey Eli.

Kill me. Kill me now.

Voice Lessons

Hi, my name is Brad John.

JEREMY: Hank, what are you talking about?

I changed my name.

JEREMY: You can't change your name.
ME: Why not?
JEREMY: What's wrong with Hank?
ME: I hate Hank. Hank isn't a stage name. I need to be a star, Jeremy. They're not putting Hank up on a marquee anytime soon.

Jeremy and I were waiting outside a practice room before my first voice lesson. I've decided that if I'm going to be a musical theater star, I need to know how to take care of my pipes.

JEREMY: So whose this new voice teacher, Brad John?
ME: His name is Lou Fenneman.
JEREMY: He sounds like an overweight astrologist.
ME: He's new, okay? Cut him some slack.
JEREMY: You haven't even met him yet. You might hate the guy.
ME: I doubt it. I have a good feeling. He could be the Plato to my Socrates.
JEREMY: It was the other way around.
ME: Whatever, bitch. Don't show off.

As we were waiting, the door to the practice room next to us opened and who should come out (and I use this term both literally and figuratively) but Billy and Ben.

Jeremy looked surprised to say the least.

JEREMY: Hi.
BILLY: Hey.
BEN: Sup?
JEREMY: Were you guys...practicing...something?
ME: I bet they were.
JEREMY: Brad John!
BEN: Whose Brad John?
ME: I am.
BILLY: You are?
ME: I am now.
BEN: So you were one thing, now you're another?
ME: Yeah, you know, like how some people are straight and then they're sucking dick in practice rooms.
BEN: Billy, let's go.
BILLY: Good idea.

They took off. Catty little bitches.

JEREMY: You don't think they actually were, do you?
ME: Hey, I didn't hear any vocal warm-ups, did you?
JEREMY: I think I'm going to be sick.
ME: Don't get me sick. I have a lesson.
VOICE: Yes, you do.

I turned around to see the most beautiful man in the world. If I liked guys, I'd be all over him like strippers on an out-of-town businessman.

GOD OF MY LIFE: You must be Hank. I'm Lou Fenneman.
JEREMY: Actually he's Brad John.
ME: Never mind, that. I'm Hank.
GOD OF MY LIFE: Are you sure? Because I can call you Brad John, or BJ if you'd prefer that.
JEREMY: I think he would definitely prefer BJ--
ME: Let's start.

I ran into the room before Jeremy could say anything else.

After all, I didn't want a waste any of Mr. Fenneman's--or more importantly--my time. Daddy wants to get his money's worth.

Out of Order

Hi, my name is Joey.

BART: I would like to have the newest member removed.
DAVIS: On what grounds?
BART: We used to date until recently when he broke my heart and made out with another man two feet away from our apartment door.

I am not prepared for this.

Bart hadn't spoken to me since the disastrous night of our break-up. I had a feeling seeing him at RI-TRI would not go over well.

Sure enough, he went for the kill.

ME: That's so unfair, Bart. He kissed me. I didn't kiss him. Plus, you brought him home for a fling and then kicked him out!

Carter had shared this little tidbit of information with me as Jeremy and I nursed him back to health after a blackout that could very easily have led to alcohol poisoning.

And now Bart's trying to get me pulled from the committee and humiliate me in front of everyone at RI-TRI?

Well...

ME: That's--

I wish I was better at confrontations.

ME: You're a mean person!

He might need to get a band-aid for that stinger.

Luckily Davis is better at this than I am.

DAVIS: First of all, Bart, I find it highly unprofessional that you would bring out all the pathetic details of your personal life--including getting minors drunk and bringing them home to your apartment in a truly morally turpitudous fashion--
BART: That's not even a word!
DAVIS: Silencio, por favor. I think you bringing all that out in this meeting is so--so--
ME: Lame!
DAVIS: Thank you, Joey. It's lame. Also, you can't have Joey removed just because he's not not sleeping with you anymore.
BART: But now he'll never vote with me due to our personal history.
ME: That's not true!
BART: So you're going to vote with me on the block party issue?
ME: No, actually. I disagree with you on that.
BART: Do you see?

This was getting out of hand.

ME: Bart, if you want to talk in private--
BART: Why bother? Everyone knows everyone else's business anyway! Our entire break-up was the headline in the Wilde Blog today!

WILDE: Guess whose on the market? A hot little piece called Joey. Get your haircuts, boys. This little number won't be sitting pretty for long. Oh wait, he might already be spoken for. Now, how does one get another beau immediately after losing the first one? Perhaps there was a bit of an overlap.

I can't stand Wilde. How did he find out about Davis and me?

BART: I can't believe I dated a cheater.
ME: Stop calling me that.
BART: Then admit it.
ME: I--
DAVIS: All right, enough.
BART: Who'd you cheat with, Joey?
DAVIS: I said enough.
BART: Who was it?
ME: Stop it, Bart.
BART: Who?
DAVIS: Bart, you're out of order.
BART: WHO? I ASKED YOU WHO?
ME: DAVIS! I'm sleeping with Davis!

There was a moment of shocked silence. Bart looked like I'd just shot him in the stomach. Davis just shook his head and did his little "God, I'm in for it now" smile. Then, he looked up at Bart and started to speak.

DAVIS: Bart, it's not--

But before he could say anything, Bart had jumped up on the table and run at him full force. He tackled him while he was still in his chair, and knocked him to the ground. Instantly, everyone was up and trying to pull Bart off Davis. Meanwhile, Bart had his hands on Davis' throat.

ME: Stop! Stop! You're going to kill him.

Or so I thought. One quick punch and Bart was on the floor next to Davis holding his nose which had already started bleeding.

Davis stood up, walked over to me, and kissed me in front of the rest of the committee who was just looking at us as if we were a cross between Adolf and Eva and Zach and Kelly.

Then he pulled back and said:

DAVIS: Let's get out of here. I want you naked on my kitchen table.

And I went, trying to ignore the fact that when I took Davis' hand I got some of Bart's blood on mine. But what I definitely couldn't ignore was the feeling that I was going to pay for all this later.

Movie Night

Hi, my name is Billy.

B4CHANET: So what are you up to?

I'm kind of...excited.

Knock, knock.

Please don't let it be Jeremy.

JEREMY: Billy, you in there?

Paint me delirious, Pablo.

I open the door to find Jeremy standing there with a movie in his hands.

ME: Yes?
JEREMY: Good to see you're feeling better.
ME: Much better. The chimps really helped.
JEREMY: You mean the gorillas?
ME: Yeah. Them.

He looked over my shoulder at my half-organized sock drawer.

JEREMY: Are you...um...organizing a sock drawer?
ME: Yes.
JEREMY: Why?
ME: Because socks are like people. They're diverse, they're deceptive, and they need to be placed in categories according to how attractive they are and never mingled after that.
JEREMY: Gotcha.

Yes, I have a sock philosophy. Sue me.

ME: I thought maybe we could watch a movie.

He walks towards my computer screen, and I jump in front of it.

JEREMY: Were you looking at porn or something?

That's easier than explaining what's really going on so--

ME: Yes, actually.
JEREMY: Oh...okay. Um...like I said--
ME: You know, tonight really isn't a great night for movie night.
JEREMY: You sure? It's Trick. The most amazing movie ever made.
ME: I'm really more of a Latter Days kind of guy.
JEREMY: Oh my God. Latter Days is for--

He stopped himself.

ME: No, go on.
JEREMY: I was going to say...for...
ME: Closet cases?
JEREMY: Yeah...I guess.
ME: Then I guess it's fitting, isn't it?

I tried to see if I could make my sardonic venom actually drip down to the floor, but I think I missed the mark just a bit.

JEREMY: I didn't mean to...
ME: Yeah, you never mean to. Look, I'll watch the movie if you leave it for me, but I'm kind of busy right now.
JEREMY: Okay.

He went to the door and then stopped and turned around.

JEREMY: I just think you'd like it because it's about two guys who actually, despite stereotypes and preconceived notions and the fact that they're both gay and should only want sex, actually grow to care about each other.
ME: Uh huh.
JEREMY: Plus, there's a really fantastic drag queen.
ME: Wow, terrif. Is there a hot sex scene?
JEREMY: Not really, no.

And he calls this a movie?

ME: I'll check it out later.
JEREMY: Cool. Well, see you around.
ME: Yeah. See you.

He left and I went back to my online convo.

ME: Hey, sorry. That was Jeremy.
B4CHANET: He's so annoying.
ME: I know, right? LOL
B4CHANET: It's cool. Do you want to hang out?
ME: LOL okay.
B4CHANET: Why LOL?
ME: Um...are you?
B4CHANET: I don't like labels.
ME: That's cool.
B4CHANET: Do you want to watch a movie?
ME: Sure. I have one here.
B4CHANET: Oh okay. I was going to bring over Latter Days.

OMG I'm so TORN (Turned On Right Now).

ME: That'd be cool.
B4CHANET: Just make sure you keep this between us, okay?
ME: No problem, Ben.

He logged off. I put my socks away. A half hour later there was a knock on the door.

And movie night commenced.

Cocktails

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

RITCHIE: I brought potstickers.

I bring potstickers.

JEREMY: Why would you do that?
RITCHIE: Because they're cheaper than booze, and I am not supplying the liquor at someone else's party. That's your job as the host. Ooohh, deviled eggs!

Jeremy was throwing a cocktail party, and he invited me to be the only other single gay man there. The other guests were all living in the barren land of coupledom.

This was the guest list:

PJ and Ronnie - PJ refuses to have monogamous sex unless he gets boyfriend benefits, and Ronnie's dumb as a post and will pretty much say yes to anything.

Gregory and George - Gregory bounces from relationship to relationship and George is his latest boing. George is settling for Gregory because the sex is good and for right now, good sex in Rhode Island is hard to find.

Rick and David - Rick and David supposedly have an open relationship, but Rick is well aware that David really wants them to be exclusive and only says what they have is open so that Rick will commit in any way, shape, or form to him without feeling like he has to give up being the manwhore that he is.

And then there's good old Ritchie.

Every time I hang around these people I feel like I should be belting "Being Alive" and watching Elaine Stritch try to remember the words to "The Little Things You Do Together."

I went into the kitchen to help Jeremy with the last minute snacks and catch up on last night's drama.

JEREMY: ...So I thought we were going to have to take him to the hospital but then he came to.
ME: That poor little gay.
JEREMY: I am never letting Carter near Davis again--or Bart for that matter.
ME: Oh please. That'll be like trying to keep a moth from a flame.
JEREMY: Consider me flame-retardent then.
ME: And will your roommate be making an appearance tonight?
JEREMY: You mean your little flinging buddy? Absolutely not. I want a nice quiet evening.
ME: What a shame. I was hoping for a little razz ma tazz.
JEREMY: Who are you--Al Jolson?

We went into the living room where the pairs were assembled two by two.

JEREMY: So, whose up for a rousing game of Taboo?

Just then, the door opened and Davis flew in.

DAVIS: Sorry.
JEREMY: Davis!
DAVIS: I know, I know, but I forgot my phone.
ME: You have no idea how much trouble that gets him into.

The couples looked sad to hear Davis wasn't staying.

GEORGE: Why can't he stick around?
JEREMY: He has people to do, places to see--
RONNY: Davis, really?
DAVIS: Sorry boys. Maybe another night.
PJ: God, I don't miss that part of bachelorhood.

I saw Davis stop. He wasn't sure if he'd been indirectly insulted. PJ had just dipped his toe into dangerous waters.

DAVIS: What do you mean, PJ?
PJ: Just all that bopping around. It's so much nicer to be settled down with somebody you love.

Yup. Definitely an insult. I saw Jeremy close his eyes and shake his head. He knew what was inevitably coming.

RONNIE: PJ, I'm sure Davis' life--
PJ: I mean, it just seems like such an empty existence.

It was official. PJ had just run in front of the bull wearing a flowing red gown.

Davis smiled, and then began the rampage...

DAVIS: As opposed to your life?
PJ: Well--
DAVIS: Your life, you mean, is so much more fulfilling?
PJ: Well it is.
DAVID: Davis, you have to admit--

Oh God, now they were all asking for it.

DAVIS: Rick, would you like to go in my room and have sex?
RICK: What?
DAVID: Excuse me?
JEREMY: Dear God...

Davis just sat on the couch next to Rick and put his arm around him.

DAVIS: I mean, you and David do have an open relationship, right?
RICK: Um...we--
DAVID: It's not that open.
DAVIS: So you don't want to have sex with me, Rick?
RICK: I guess I--
DAVID: Rick!
DAVIS: I remember when you used to send me texts at three am begging to come over and suck me off.
DAVID: He's in a relationship now!
RICK: An open relationship!
DAVID: Rick!
RICK: What? We talked about this. I can do whatever I want.
DAVID: But you know how it makes me feel!

Davis was just warming up.

DAVIS: What about you PJ? You game?
PJ: Not a chance.
DAVIS: Ronnie?
RONNIE: Okay.
PJ: What?
RONNIE: C'mon, we're just dating because you're all picky about titles and shit.
PJ: That is not true at all!
RICK: So why did you let me think--
DAVID: I was just trying to--

And then the finale.

DAVIS: Hey George, that blowjob last week was fantastic.
GREG: What?
DAVIS: Sorry Gregory, I know I should have resisted inviting George over, but I figured your relationship could take the test.
GEORGE: Oh God...
DAVIS: But it failed mulitple choice and essay.

God, this was better than Vegas.

Soon all the couples were screaming at each other, and before long, the entire room was cleared, with the exception of Ronnie who was waiting in Davis' room for his promised tryst.

ME: Davis, you sure can clear a room.
JEREMY: That was worse walking in on the RI-TRI orgy.
DAVIS: I won't have anyone judge me. Especially not a bunch of queers who think they're above everyone else because they managed to get some shitty settlement deal in the kingdom of monogamy.
ME: You mean the barren wasteland of coupledom?
DAVIS: Whatever. Do you want to have a threeway with Ronnie? It might make things go quicker.

I'd love to say I didn't go, but instead I'll just mention that Jeremy is currently not speaking to me.

And it was totally worth it.

Young Boy

Hi, my name is Carter.

BART: GET OUT!

I am being thrown out.

Knock, Knock.

DAVIS: Yes?
ME: Is Jeremy here?
DAVIS: No.
ME: Can I come in?
DAVIS: Maybe you didn't hear me. He's not here.
ME: I'm just a little drunk. I need to sober up.
DAVIS: I don't really feel comfortable--
ME: Aren't you John Davis?
DAVIS: How do you know who I am? Did Jeremy tell you?
ME: I read about you in the Wilde Blog.
DAVIS: Oh great--
ME: Can I please just come in?

He stepped aside and I went into the apartment. I took a seat on the couch, and triedd to calm down. No matter what I tried, I couldn't stop shaking.

I almost had sex with a guy.

DAVIS: Are you okay?
ME: Why wouldn't I be?
DAVIS: You look really upset.
ME: I'm just horny.
DAVIS: What?
ME: Sorry, when I drink I say weird things.
DAVIS: That's okay. When I drink I have sex with weird people.
ME: Really?
DAVIS: No. Do you want some coffee?
ME: No, I'm okay.

He's really hot. No wonder that blog says he sleeps around. There are probably a lot of people who want to get him in bed.

I bet I could get him in bed.

Ugh, no. Bad idea. He knows Jeremy. Jeremy is a big mouth. Jeremy knows everyone.

DAVIS: Jeremy won't be home for awhile.
ME: Oh, cool. I mean, maybe I should go.
DAVIS: I can't let you leave.
ME: What?
DAVIS: Not while you're drunk. It wouldn't be responsible.
ME: Gotcha.
DAVIS: Do you want a drink?
ME: But you just said--
DAVIS: As long as you're drunk, you might as well keep it going.
ME: But I thought--
DAVIS: How old are you?
ME: 28?
DAVIS: Excellent. I'd hate to break the law. I think we have a few Coronas somewhere...

He got us our drinks, and sat down next to me on the couch. I started hearing music, but I didn't know where it was coming from. Everything was kind of woozy.

Take it easy
Take it easy
Better slow down, boy

That's no way to go
Does your mother know?

DAVIS: Do you like ABBA?
ME: Is he the bartender at Splice?
DAVIS: It's a band.
ME: Oh...sorry.

He was getting closer to me. I could feel myself getting warmer. This was the guy everybody talked about, and he was leaning in closer and closer--

JEREMY: Excuse me?

I jumped up off the couch and fell over the side onto the floor.

ME: Ouch.

Jeremy looked mad.

JEREMY: Okay, party's over.
DAVIS: What party? We were just talking.
JEREMY: Carter, are you drunk?
ME: Nooooo.
JEREMY: Terrific. I've got a drunken little black boy in my loft and my roommate is feeding him Coronas.
ME: I'm not black. I'm caramel.
JEREMY: You're leaving.
DAVIS: He's drunk. He can't leave.
JEREMY: Carter, what's the second letter of the alphabet?
ME: Beeeeeee.
JEREMY: There, he'll be fine.
DAVIS: Jeremy!
JEREMY: Or he can sleep out in the hallway. Or at Bart and Joey's.
ME: I already tried that.
DAVIS: What?
JEREMY: Point is, he's not staying here. He's underage, he's drunk, and he's vulnerable.
DAVIS: From what?
JEREMY: Carter, wait outside. I'll take you home.
ME: I don't wanna--
JEREMY: Go!

This was the second apartment I'd be kicked out of today.

While I was out in the hallway, I could hear Jeremy and Davis arguing.

JEREMY: What the hell were you thinking?
DAVIS: I was just having a little fun, Jeremy. Relax.
JEREMY: Do you know how old that boy is?
DAVIS: He said he was 28. A little old for me, but--
JEREMY: This isn't funny. He's in the closet. You could have traumatized him.
DAVIS: He would have loved it.
JEREMY: You really didn't think he was a little young for you?
DAVIS: Age doesn't matter.
JEREMY: Yeah, that's what old perverts and twinks looking for sugar daddies say.

I didn't want to listen to anymore. I decided to walk home. But when I got to the elevator it opened, and Joey came out.

Joey's so cute.

JOEY: Carter?

I kissed him. I don't know why. I just wanted to attach to somebody. To feel connected.

The next thing I remember is somebody pulling me off of him. I think it was--

JOEY: Bart, stop!

Then Davis and Jeremy's door opened and the two of them came running out. Davis was pulling Bart off of me, and Joey and Jeremy were standing over me saying my name over and over again.

But all I could hear was...

The winner takes it all

It's Over

Hi, my name is Bart.

ME: But...

I

ME: Can't we just...

am

ME: I don't understand.

single

What happened?

I came home from work and Joey was waiting for me in the living room.

JOEY: We need to talk.

How did I feel about that?

I remember not wanting to leave the doorway. I remember thinking if I stay in the doorway I can prolong this moment from happening. He will not hurt me while I am standing in this doorway. I think he understood that because he stood up, and said--

JOEY: It's over.

And I just sort of slowly crumpled to the floor. I remember my legs not feeling like they could hold me up. I remember not wanting to take my eyes off of him, wondering if he looked any different, wondering if Joey had been replaced with someone who would actually do something like this to me.

I don't remember crying.

JOEY: Bart, it's going to be okay.

I do remember hyperventilating.

JOEY: Just breathe, okay? Take a deep breath.

I remember being wracked with sobs and deep, heavy tears rolling down out of my eyes.

JOEY: This has been coming on for a long time. We're both not happy. You know that.
ME: I'm...happy...Please...I'm...so...happy...Please...don't...

There was begging.
Pleading.
Beseeching.

There was another version of myself in the corner watching the whole thing saying "You're so pathetic. Did you ever think this would be you? Did you ever think you'd be this person?"

JOEY: I'm going to stay here for tonight, but tomorrow I'm going to my Mom's.
ME: Can't we just--
JOEY: I made up my mind, Bart. I'm so sorry.

I could tell he felt bad, but resolved. That's his way with a lot of things. He waits until the very last minute to say there's a problem and by that time the problem has gotten so large there's just no fixing it. I point this out to him.

He said--

JOEY: I know.

The most frustrating answer in the history of western civilization.

JOEY: I'm going to pack some stuff.

He went into the bedroom. I left. I couldn't be there with him. Driving around the city with my hand continually banging on the steering wheel, listening to Sade and Amanda Marshall, my eyes felt like they were going to burn so bright that I'd drive my car off the highway.

It wasn't an unpleasant option.

You spend years of your life with someone. You get closer to them than you ever thought you'd be. You make decisions that affect your life based on how it will affect theirs. You eat meals together. You make love. You argue. You discuss the future. There are plans. There is safety. There is comfort.

Then it's gone. It's over.

I drove to the club so I could drink myself into a stupor enough to pass out in my car.

Going home did not seem like an option.

Standing on the second floor looking down, I saw that guy Carter I talked to the last time I was here. He was dancing on the raised box above the dance floor. My eyes zeroed in on him and it suddenly seemed clear what I was going to do.

I went down to the dance floor, climbed up on the box, and tapped him on the shoulder.

ME: Hey.
CARTER: Oh, hi Bartholomew.
ME: What?
CARTER: That's your name, isn't it? I like calling people by their full names.
ME: Okay, fine. Listen, do you want to get out of here--
CARTER: But you said--
ME: Forget everything I may have told you before. Everything's different now. Nothing that applied applies anymore. Will you come home with me?
CARTER: Okay.

Just like that.

He follows me home. We get into the elevator. He presses me up against the wall and we make out not caring if anyone else gets in with us. When we reach my floor I start to shake. Can I do this? Can I show Joey how much he loves me by showing him what it would be like to see me with another man?

We go into my apartment.

Empty.

The apartment is empty.

There's a note on the table next to the couch.

I decided to leave early. It's better this way. Please don't hate me. Joey.

I crumple up the note.

CARTER: Is everything okay?
ME: Leave.
CARTER: What?
ME: Get...out.
CARTER: But--
ME: GET OUT! GO! GO! GO!

I scream it until he runs out of the apartment. Then I turn over everything in the apartment that can be turned over. Clothing gets pulled out of drawers. Things get thrown. Utensil drawers get flung all over the kitchen.

And then it's all over.

It's over and there's nothing but the silence and chaos.

So I sit in a room where there used to be something and I wait for it to return.

Recent Studies

Hi, my name is Ben.

ELI: You missed class again.

I am in need of a better f**k buddy.

ME: Did I? I hadn't noticed.

I was too busy sucking you off.

ELI: Well Karen did.

Karen is my tap teacher, and when you miss a class she makes your life a living, time-stepping hell for at least three classes after that.

I managed to crawl into the lounge at 12:30 after hooking up with a boy in North Kingston last night and driving all the way back to campus. There was no chance of me making my class, and I was beginning to see why so many people opt for the on-campus f**k buddy. Convenience can be the most attractive thing about a person.

So I resolved to forget about boys more than half an hour away and find someone no further than the next dorm over. Just think--hook up in between classes, alternate whose room you spend the night in, never late because of a long drive.

And who cares who it is that offers? The first decent looking guy to--

ELI: Hey Ben, what are you up to tonight?

Of course, there are limits.

Before I could answer, Jeremy, Ritchie, and Nick walked into the fishbowl. Things still aren't too great between Jeremy and me, but today he seemed preoccupied with something else anyway.

RITCHIE: So that's it? You're giving up?
JEREMY: Ritchie, not really the place--
ELI: Yeah, I'll be going now.
JEREMY: Eli, you can't still be mad at--
ELI: Is that the wind talking? Does the wind have a voice?

Eli walked past Jeremy and out the door.

HANK: The wind doesn't, but apparently the closet door does and it won't shut up.

Everyone sat down. I couldn't help my curiosity. I addressed Jeremy.

ME: Why's Eli mad at you?
RITCHIE: Because Jeremy cockblocked him.
ME: What?
JEREMY: That's not how it happened.
HANK: Jeremy blew up Eli's spot with Billy. He let him know that people were watching and now Eli barely ever talks to him anymore--or Billy.

Billy...Right. Carter's friend. He's actually pretty...

CARTER: Hey guys!

Speak of the devil.

BILLY: Hey everybody.

And the potential.

RITCHIE: Hey Billy, how are you feeling?
BILLY: Much better thanks.

I noticed something wrong with Carter's t-shirt.

ME: Carter, your--
BILLY: It's grammatically incorrect.
CARTER: He keeps saying that, but I don't know what that means.
BILLY: It says 'Your Too Sexy.' That deals with possession. It should be 'you are.'
CARTER: Yeah, but I didn't have room on the t-shirt for the word 'are.'
HANK: If someone dug a hole in the ground, would you just fall into it?
CARTER: I don't think so.
HANK: Want to give it a try?

Billy had taken out a notebook and was jotting things down.

BILLY: Can I ask you guys a question?
RITCHIE: 8.8 cut, Versatile bottom, and 2xist boxer briefs.
BILLY: Yeah, none of those. Sorry.
CARTER: 8.8? That's almost nine.
HANK: Counting! Good! Anyone got a milk bone?
JEREMY: So what is the question?

Billy read from a sheet in a folder in the front of his notebook. It was sort of cute, I'll admit.

BILLY: It's for my psychology class. We're doing a survey based on what people choose their mates based on--personality or appearance.
RITCHIE: Are money and an unending sense of generosity options?
BILLY: Recent studies show that when choosing a mate, a person is three times more likely to go with someone they know is not good for them, rather than go with someone who will be beneficial to them in life.
HANK: Fascinating.
ME: Why do they do that?
BILLY: Attraction. It's all about attraction.
JEREMY: So people will date someone they don't like--
BILLY: Marry even.
JEREMY: Okay. And because of the way someone looks.
BILLY: Science believes we can't fight our attractions.
ME: I agree. A guy could be the nicest guy in the world. He do stuff for you like take care of you when you're sick and take you out for picnic lunches, but if you don't find him attractive he might as well not even exist.

Did I really believe that? Of course I do. At least as far as gay men are concerned, but I couldn't say that.

JEREMY: I disagree. Looks will fade, but a person who cares about you and stays with you through better and worse, that's what you should be attracted to. Stability. Kindness. A mean egg and bacon omellette recipe--
ME: Yeah, I guess when we're all eighty it won't matter, but for now it does. You can for better or worse it all you want, but the fact is, people will overlook anything to be with someone they think is hot.
JEREMY: That's ridiculous.
HANK: Now boys, don't get heated...again. You're both pretty.
RITCHIE: Besides, Ben is right.
JEREMY: Ben is not right!

I knew I was right; I don't need that a**hole Ritchie sticking up for me. Better or worse? When has a gay man ever hung around 'for worse'?

JEREMY: Someone could be won over by learning what a sweet and compassionate person they have chasing after them. Look at Zach and Kelly, the college years when she started dating Professor Lasky, Laura and Urkel, Ethan Embry and Jennifer Love Hewitt in Can't Hardly Wait.
ME: Can you name anyone real?

This stumped him. I hate when people use the Cinderella argument. 'Well, it happened to Cinderella! It might happen to me!" I'm surprised more people don't believe in the Easter Bunny.

RITCHIE: As much as I'd love to sit around and play 'Never Have I Ever' the Intro. to Psych edition, I have to get to class.
HANK: Me, too.
CARTER: I have to go nap.
BILLY: You don't have class?
CARTER: I said I was going to nap, didn't I?

Soon everyone filed out except for me and Jeremy. This was the first time we'd been alone since our argument.

JEREMY: You really believe all that, don't you? All that shallow--
ME: At least I'm practical.
JEREMY: Well, you're wrong. Appearance might be the first thing guys go for but--
ME: It's not just appearance, Jeremy. It's mystique. It's distance. It's letting someone know they're never going to have you so that all they'll want is you. It's all a game.
JEREMY: I don't buy it. Maybe you think that way because--

Billy walked back into the room--

BILLY: Forgot my notebook.

--And walked back out again...giving me an idea.

ME: You know, I could help you out and prove my point all at the same time.
JEREMY: What are you talking about?
ME: I could make it so that you'd never have to worry about Billy being hung up over Eli again and I could show you what it is people really respond to.

I saw his eyes narrow and his head tilt a bit. Was he actually trying to look menacing? He got up and walked over to me so that our faces were inches apart.

JEREMY: If you even try it, I'll eradicate you.
ME: Is that a challenge?
JEREMY: I'm warning you, Ben--
ME: Who do you think you are? Warning me? You don't run the show around here, Jeremy, despite popular opinion, mainly yours.
JEREMY: I wouldn't put that to the test if I were you.
ME: But that's exactly what I want to do.

Plus, if I recall correctly, Billy lives on campus.

JEREMY: Just stay away from him.
ME: Don't tell me what to do. Just because he doesn't go for the 'I'll bake you cookies and make you a care package' bullshit doesn't mean he's not ready for some action. I know what guys like him want.
JEREMY: How?
ME: In case you haven't noticed, I am a guy like him.
JEREMY: He's a good person. So just leave him alone.
ME: You had your chance and you blew it. Maybe if you'd let this dangerous side of you show a little more--
JEREMY: Fuck off.

Then he picked up his stuff and walked out.

Well well...

Game on.

The Confession

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

MAURY: Jeremy, you're up.

I am about to sing.

ME: Hi, my name is Jeremy and I will be singing 'I Honestly Love You' from The Boy from Oz.
HANK: You mean from Olivia Newton John's Greatest Hits?
ME: I'm singing it--clearly--in the show's context.
MAURY: Go ahead, Kira. Blow us away.

Even Maury can be catty sometimes.

I was really hoping Billy would be in class. This was one of the songs I can actually do well, and he would have been a great focal point.

Maybe I hang around here
A little more than I should
We both know
I've got somewhere else to go

When I asked Carter where Billy was, he said he'd been sick all day and was holed up in his dorm room.

I thought about stopping to check in on him, but after making a fool of myself in the bookstore during the Eli debacle, I wasn't too sure I was ready to see him again.

Instead I went home after class, killed time playing free rice for about an hour, took a nap, and then got ready to go out.

Since my roommate Davis has been noticeably chilly to me since I confessed to him that I was kissed by our neighbor who happens to be in a relationship, I opted out of asking him to go out with me. Hank and Ritchie both had plans, which meant I would be flying solo for the night. Usually this would mean I'd be staying far away from the club, but there wasn't much else to do, so that's where I wound up.

When I got there I mostly hung around the second floor. After a few minutes, I felt someone come stand next to me. I turned to find Bart standing there smiling at me.

BART: Hey.
ME: Hi.
BART: No Davis tonight?
ME: Nope.
BART: So, question.
ME: Shoot.
BART: Is there any reason we can't be friends just because you and Davis are?

The easy answer to this question is: We can't be friends because recently your boyfriend kissed me right before you walked into your apartment.

But life doesn't always allow us to use the easy answers.

ME: No, I don't see why not. I know Davis isn't always the easiest person to get along with.
BART: So why are you friends with him?
ME: If you're asking me to badmouth him--
BART: I'm not. I was just wondering.
ME: You very rarely meet people in life who will tell what you don't want to hear when you don't want to hear it. Those people are usually your best friends--whether you know it or not.
BART: And you'd stand by Davis no matter what?
ME: I guess if he torched an animal shelter, we might need to have words, but yeah, for the most part, I would.
BART: I just thought I'd warn you.
ME: Warn me?

All of a sudden I was in a sci-fi movie trailer.

BART: This community--it's in trouble, Bart. There's a gap widening in it. Pretty soon people are going to have to choose sides.
ME: You mean your side or--
BART: That's not--
ME: That's exactly what you mean.

He didn't say anything, meaning he didn't see the point in pretending anymore. I knew that the best thing to do would be to be nice to Bart considering the circumstances, meaning my incredible guilt, but nobody was going to make me give up Davis for any reason. Through thick and thin, he's always been one of the best parts of my life.

BART: I think you're a good guy, Jeremy.

Oh, if he only knew...

BART: I just want to make sure you don't get trampled when the stampede hits.
ME: I plan on watching the whole thing from a nearby hillside, Bart--complete with virgin daiquiris.
BART: Suit yourself.

With that final touch, he walked away from me.

I don't know why, but not confessing to Bart made me feel like I had to atone in some other way for something else I did wrong.

ME: Billy, are you awake?

An hour later, after bailing on the club and stopping back at home, I was at Billy's dorm room.

The door opened and there was Billy. He was, in fact, quite sick. I would say death warmed over, but it was more like death in the freezer.

BILLY: Do you know what time it is?
ME: Twelve thirty-seven.
BILLY: You're not actually supposed to answer that.
ME: Sorry. Can I come in?
BILLY: I really don't feel well.
ME: I promise I won't make you do any heavy lifting. I just need you to listen to what I have to say.

He stood out of the way to let me enter. I think he was just too weak to protest anymore. His room was neat, minus the overflow of tissues coming out of the wastebasket.

ME: I went home before I came here and put together a little 'sorry you're sick' package.

I showed him the gym bag I brought to carry everything in.

ME: I have the DVD of Spaceballs, a mega ginger ale, soothing sounds of the Burmese rainforest, and an electric blanket.
BILLY: Oh...thanks.

Clearly, he was still feeling a little awkward about the other day.

BILLY: I'm sorry, but I have trouble standing for more than a few minutes. Would you mind if I--
ME: Oh sure, lay down. Go ahead.

He got into bed and I sat down next to him.

BILLY: So did you just come to bring the--
ME: No, actually. I...uh...I sort of have a confession to make.

I couldn't believe I was really about to do this.

BILLY: A confession?
ME: Yes. It's just...It's a little...
BILLY: Would it be easier for you to write it on my dry-erase board?
ME: No, some things just can't be said with magic marker.
BILLY: Okay.

Take a deep breath, I told myself. Nice and easy.

ME: All right, so...Hang on, let me put on the Burmese rainforest.

I did. Don't ask me why.

ME: Sound all right?
BILLY: Isn't the Burmese rainforest where they slaughter gorillas?
ME: That might be those distant shrieks in the background.

Wow Jeremy, you're on a roll.

It was time to speak from the heart.

ME: Billy, um, the first...I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous because I haven't known you very long at all...

In my head, I was hearing my song from class.

But I've got something to tell you
That I never thought I would
And it's something you really ought to know

ME: I honestly really truly care about you a lot. I don't know why. I wish I could express it better. I'm usually incredibly good at expressing myself, but when I'm around you I lose every single fancy word and cool metaphor and expressive...ah, see what I mean? It's like I have this life that I think is so great, but it's so complicated sometimes, and then I meet you and suddenly I can see those complications, and I can see them because you bring out this simple thing that I understand so clearly and it's not difficult at all, it just...

And I kept telling myself, if you can say the right thing, you can do this. You can win him over. He'll fall head over heels for you and everything will be grand. There'll be weekend trips to New York where you'll ice skate together in Rockefeller Plaza. Friday night movies in his room with pizza and laughing and falling asleep next to each other. Errands together that don't feel like errands. Doing laundry together. Failed attempts at dinner where you'll set pasta on fire and he'll laugh at you and then show you what you did wrong. Parties where from across the room you smile at each other knowing you're going home together. Beach days and coffeeshop afternoons and running through empty city streets as if you're the only two people left in the entire world if you can just say the right thing.

It's all about saying the right thing.

But all I can say is--

ME: ...I wish I were the guy I think you deserve.

I couldn't believe I uttered something so vulnerable. I usually never let myself be that exposed. For a second I was worried, and then I heard...nothing. Just deep breathing.

He was asleep.

So then there was a deep sigh of relief, followed by me putting the electric blanket over him and quietly exiting the room as the residents of Burma went on with their night.

What You Want

Hi, my name is Eli.

CARTER: Don't you want to?

I'm repulsed.

Carter had asked me to go over some sheet music with him in his room. When we got there, Ben, his roommate, was nowhere to be found, and within minutes he had leaned in as if he was going to ask me a question only to try and kiss me.

Luckily, I dodged him and he fell off the bed we were sitting on.

ME: What are you talking about?
CARTER: I can keep a secret.
ME: A secret about what?
CARTER: You know--
ME: I don't have any secrets!

Not as far as he's concerned. My secrets are my perrogative, as B.S. would say, God rest her might-as-well-be-dead soul.

CARTER: But you hang out with Billy all the--
ME: We're friends!

Hanging out with Billy had been a huge mistake. You can't get close to anyone in the OSC theater department without everyone talking gossip and making assumptions.

I mostly blame Jeremy.

CARTER: So you don't want to...do stuff?
ME: I'm sorry. Are we at sleepaway camp and nobody told me?
CARTER: Is it because of me? Because I'm not cute?

Stab...me...in...the...face.

ME: HOW WOULD I KNOW IF YOU'RE CUTE OR NOT?

Then he started to cry. I am motherfucking serious, the kid started to cry. I couldn't even make out what he was saying, and to be honest, I was sort of over it before it even began. I said a quick good-bye and then headed out of the room where I ran right into Ben.

A-mazing.

BEN: What's up?

He noticed Carter crying and looked at me.

BEN: What's going on?
ME: Your roommate is a spaz. That's what's going on.
BEN: You made him cry?
CARTER: I'm okay, Benny.
ME: I didn't make him cry. He practically attacked me.
CARTER: I'm sorry, okay? Please don't tell anyone!
ME: Dude, you're so gay! Everyone knows it. Why try to hide it?

Ben took a step towards Carter.

BEN: Eli, should you really be--
ME: Ben, if there's something you want to say, you should probably remember that I could say stuff, too.

That shut him up.

And I was done! Out the door and on my way to South County to my friend Amy's house. She was throwing a party for the cast of the show she was in at her college--Suessical, I think, something family-oriented that probably made them bazillions. Why can't my school do quality shows like that?

There were a ton of people there, and I didn't know most of them, thank God. Sometimes it's just nice to get away from the people who are always trying to find out shit about you so they can cut you down.

The more I thought of Carter crying, the more it irritated me. I started to drink and before I knew it. I was trashed.

To be honest, when I get like that...I mean, you want to do funny things when you're drunk. What you want isn't actually what you want in real life, it's just what you want because you're drunk and stupid.

I sort of remember pulling this kid into Amy's upstairs bathroom, kissing him, undoing his pants and...

And I know what you're thinking, but that totally doesn't make me gay, because:

A) I remember almost none of it.
B) I was wicked drunk.
C) I didn't like it--AT ALL.

Gay guys like doing stuff like that. But the next morning, when I woke up, I totally hated myself for it.

So there--what more proof do you need?

So Confused

Hi, my name is Hank.

JEREMY: So then he kissed me and shoved me in his bedroom.
ME: Oooh...Get you.
JEREMY: No, to hide me from his boyfriend who was coming in the apartment at that moment.
ME: Oooh...Get you...

I'm constantly befuddled by life.

Jeremy and I were at Flashback Night at Prism, or as I like to call it, Prison. I allow him to drag me to a gay club even though I still maintain that I like chicks. Although calling them chicks is probably a sure sign that I don't like them the way I say I do.

ME: Men suck. They cheat, they lie--
JEREMY: They kiss you for no reason.
ME: Yeah, that too.

We were standing on the second floor looking down into the crowd of grinding, coked up twinks. Hey, what else are you going to do on a Wednesday?

I still hadn't said anything to Jeremy about his roommate and Ritchie.

RITCHIE: Hey boys.

Speak of the slutbag.

RITCHIE: Why aren't you dancing?
ME: I'm not drunk enough yet.
JEREMY: I'm a little...Oh, I don't know what I am.
RITCHIE: Poorly dressed?
JEREMY: I wasn't asking for suggestions.
RITCHIE: Oh, well come on, let's go groove. Is Davis coming?

I bit my tongue, but then--

JEREMY: You'd be the authority on that. Pun intended.

WHAT?

ME: You know he's sleeping with Davis?
RITCHIE: You told him?
ME and JEREMY: No!
JEREMY: Wait, no, how do you know that, Hank?
ME: I walked in on the two of them when I was over your apartment.
RITCHIE: Right, I forgot about that.
JEREMY: So Hank knew before I did.
ME: Trust me, if I could erase the memory I could. It was like switching to the Discovery Channel by accident and seeing that show where the giraffe gives birth.
JEREMY: I love that show!

Awkward silence.

RITCHIE: I'm going to go dance. See you boys on the floor?
ME: As soon as I'm so plastered I can't remember where I am.
RITCHIE: It's a date! And let Davis know I'm looking for him.
ME: I'll put it on my list of things I never plan on doing.
RITCHIE: Thanks!

Ritchie had only been gone a second when Davis appeared by our side.

DAVIS: Sorry. I was avoiding him.
ME: That's how I treat all my hookups.
DAVIS: What?
JEREMY: Hank, he's not supposed to know we know.
ME: Huh?
DAVIS: He told you?
ME: I didn't say anything.
JEREMY: It's complicated.
ME: You can say that again. I'm going to get a drink.

While I was at the bar, I looked down on the floor and saw Joey and his boyfriend Bart on the dance floor doing what every gay couple does on a dance floor--try not to look like a couple.

I made it back to the randy roommates in time for them to finish their discussion.

JEREMY: We got it all figured out.
ME: Can you explain it to me?
JEREMY: Not even if we tried.
ME: Great. Jeremy, your little make-out buddy is on the dance floor.
DAVIS: That guy Billy is here?
JEREMY: Hank!
HANK: No, Joey--

Jeremy hit me. I hit him back, but I underestimated my strength and he fell to the floor. Davis looked stunned.

ME: Oops.
DAVIS: Joey? He made out with Joey?

Jeremy stood up.

JEREMY: I didn't tell him that part.
DAVIS: You made out with him?
JEREMY: No, he just kissed me.
DAVIS: He's seeing someone!
JEREMY: I know, and Bart--
DAVIS: Oh, forget Bart!
JEREMY: But--
DAVIS: I'm going downstairs.

That was surprising. Davis actually seemed bothered by something. Joey and I were both pretty taken aback.

JEREMY: Why the hell was he so mad?
ME: Maybe he's mad someone might finally beat him in the King Slut competition?
JEREMY: Hey!
ME: I have to use the men's room.
JEREMY: Wait! What if Bart and Joey come up here?
ME: Try and look norm--oh, forget it. Just run and hide.
JEREMY: Good idea.

The men's room upstairs was packed so I went downstairs instead. I thought I saw an empty stall towards the end, but as soon as I got to it and pushed it open, I saw that there were people in it.

ME: Damn, I'm so--

Those two guys were Davis and Joey.

ME: --confused.

I need to stop running into people like this.

Knock, Knock

Hi, my name is Joey.

Knock, knock.

I'm hoping that's not Davis.

DAVIS: It's me.

Ugh.

I let him in, don't ask me why. I promised myself I was going to stay away from him after he and Bart got into a scuffle down the hall. I just have such a hard time staying away from him.

DAVIS: Look, what happened was--
ME: Stupid.
DAVIS: You're right. It was.

This would be where normal people say 'I'm sorry,' but that isn't how Davis operates.

DAVIS: I like you. Seeing Bart and knowing he's with you makes me want to punch him in the neck and/or take a photo of him wearing aqua velvet and post it on the internet.
ME: Aw, that's so sweet. But no! I can't be with you. This is wrong. I promised myself.

Before I could say anymore, he had me up against the counter with his hands around my waist and his face buried in my neck.

...That's sort of where my mind shuts down and my body yells 'Full speed ahead!'

Knock, Knock.

ME: Oh God.
DAVIS: That's right, baby. That's right.
ME: No, no...Someone's here.

Knock, knock.

DAVIS: They'll go away.
ME: What if it's Bart?
DAVIS: Why would Bart knock?
ME: Good point.

Then I remembered that Bart was out at his mom's and wouldn't be back for a few hours. I guess we could just keep--

JEREMY: Joey?

Davis pulled away immediately.

DAVIS: Oh fuck! It's Jeremy.
ME: Get in the bathroom.

He ran into the bathroom and shut the door while I opened the door to the apartment. Jeremy looked pretty frazzled.

JEREMY: Can I come in?
ME: Sure.

ARGH! Why couldn't I just say no?

JEREMY: It's Billy.
ME: Again?
JEREMY: I totally made a fool of myself in front of him, plus now Eli hates me.
ME: Eli?
JEREMY: I sort of implied he was in the closet.
ME: But he is in the closet.
JEREMY: Yeah, but I implied it in front of him.
ME: Oh.
JEREMY: And there was this big awkward moment and now I think Billy thinks I'm a total tool.
ME: But you're really not.
JEREMY: And he looked so cute in his little aardvark costume.
ME: His what?
JEREMY: Hang on, I have to use your bathroom.
ME: What?
JEREMY: Yeah, I'll be right back.

I only knew I couldn't let him go in the bathroom. Davis didn't want him knowing about us and neither did I. I just wasn't sure what to do to stop him.

Don't ask me why this was my first thought.

I grabbed him, spun him around, and kissed him.

It only lasted for about a few seconds, but when he pulled away I could tell he was shocked. But probably not as shocked as I was. I just needed him to not go in the bathroom. Why couldn't I just say ssomething like "The shower has a ferret in it!"

JEREMY: Um...
ME: Yeah.
JEREMY: Did you--
ME: Sorry.
JEREMY: No, I...
ME: But you have a--
JEREMY: I'm aware.
ME: I know.

And then I heard what my heart stop.

The door open.

I shoved Jeremy in the bedroom, and instantly regretted it. Why couldn't he be in the apartment? Davis could but not him. But I had just kissed him, but it was just a decoy, but he didn't know that, and--and--

BART: Hey, I got done early at my Mom's and she wasn't feeling too well so I thought I'd surprise you and come take you out for dinner.
ME: Oh, that'd be great.
BART: I just have to change and shower first.

Bedroom...Bathroom..NO!

ME: Lick me!
BART: What?
ME: Um...now! Here! I want it!
BART: You want to be licked?
ME: And...you know...schtupped!
BART: Who are you? Mel Brooks?
ME: Please!
BART: Joey, just let me--

But before he could say anything I threw him on the ground and started kissing him. He buried his face in my neck much the same way Davis had, which allowed me to look up and Jeremy run out of the bedroom and out the door. A few seconds later, Davis left the bathroom, gestured for "call me" and followed suit.

BART: Babe, your new cologne smells so good.
ME: Oh, thank you...

Let's hope he never wonders why I don't wear it again, since it's Davis' cologne.

Unwanted Advice

Hi, my name is Billy.

I'm an aardvark.

The bookstore had me dress like Arthur for Children's Lit day. I wanted to be someone cool, like one of the Wild Things or The Cat in the Hat, but apparently the new guy always gets Arthur.

It wouldn't be so bad except I have to do all my usual work dressed like something that snorts its food to survive, and I'm not talking about a shotboy.

I was stacking the works of Ernest Hemingway when I heard a voice behind me.

VOICE: Hey, do you want to go for some ants later?

Ha...Ha.

I turned to find Jeremy--surprise. He's been stopping by to visit me, hmmm, every night? I don't know if he thinks I don't notice or if me noticing is the point, but whenever I see him I just smile my "I think you're crazy but I'm trying to be nice about it" smile and wave.

Although tonight he seemed like he was actually on a mission.

JEREMY: Can I talk to you?
ME: Sure. I have to go on break anyway.

I took off my Arthur head.

JEREMY: Should you be--
ME: Breaking the magic? Yeah, I kind of don't care.
JEREMY: I don't blame you.

He followed me to the Psych. section where I realized I was going to have to postpone my break so that I could put back a bunch of textbooks someone had dropped--Joy.

JEREMY: So--

Great, I thought, he's going to dance around the subject. Maybe I should remind him that I can't stay on break all night just to talk to guys who want to get in my pants.

JEREMY: Have you had sex with Eli?
ME: What?

I knocked over even more textbooks.

ME: Why do you--
JEREMY: Look, I know you're gay because you told Carter, which means you might as well have taken out a billboard on Smith Street. And the other night, Ritchie saw Eli coming out of Trent Hall really late and looking like he'd just had a workout so--

Wait, that must have been the night he invited me to hang out in Trent 5-10, but I ended up just hanging out with Carter in my dorm room. But who would he have had sex with in 5-10? They're all girls. I mean, it is the party suite, but...

Ugh! I should have gone!

ME: Eli and I haven't had sex. In case you haven't noticed, he isn't exactly out.
JEREMY: Trust me, that doesn't always stop guys.

Then I guess I'm just unlucky.

Now I was pissed. I started walking the aisles looking for more books to shove violently back into place. Jeremy, obviously picking up on how much I wanted to talk, kept on going.

JEREMY: It's just that--since you haven't been out long--and I have--I mean, since I was 16--

While he was talking, I noticed Eli walk in. Before I could say anything, he was standing right behind Jeremy, who had no idea he was there.

JEREMY: --And when you have a guy like Eli, whose in the closet, but will try fooling around with people while he's in the closet which is totally--

Eli waited a few seconds and then tapped Jeremy on the back. Jeremy slowly stopped speaking and then turned around.

ELI: Are you not aware of the OSC rule?
JEREMY: Talk shit about someone and they're probably standing behind you?
ELI: From this point on, you're dead to me.
JEREMY: Eli--
ELI: Don't bother talking to me. You're a liar and you spread gossip about people.
JEREMY: Fine. I'll leave, okay? I don't want to start trouble.
ME: Good idea.

I could tell it stung Jeremy a little that I was urging him to go, but he was the one to make things awkward in the first place. Coming to me like the big gay brother when he really just wanted to beat out the hotter competition.

He left the bookstore and I started putting what I'd knocked over back on the shelf.

ELI: I can't believe him!
ME: Yeah, he definitely seems like a troublemaker.
ELI: Oh my God? Right? Totally.
ME: But I can see why people might talk. I mean, when a gay guy hangs out with a--
ELI: I'm not gay!

It was said so loud that half the store turned around looked at us.

ME: No, but I am.
ELI: You are?
ME: I guess gossip doesn't spread as fast as we think.

Here's where I'm confused though. How could he not know I'm gay? I may never actually have told him, but I definitely made it clear in every other way possible. Long stares. Hanging out with him every free second I have. Suggesting outings--pardon the pun.

ELI: It's cool that you are, Billy. But I'm not.
ME: Okay, that's fine.

I just care that he's hot. I could care less that he doesn't want to admit he's a big flaming homosexual.

ELI: Anyway, I have to go.
ME: Are we still hanging out later tonight?
ELI: No, actually, I have some stuff to do. Cool?
ME: Yeah...um...cool.
ELI: Awesome. See you around.

And he took off. Clearly, Jeremy had put the fear into him, and now he wanted to distance himself.

Now I'm just a horny aardvark surrounded by books on identity.

Thanks Jeremy.

Ritchie's Plans

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

I'm not what I would consider a "troublemaker."

ME: Oh, hello.
JOEY: Hi.

But then again, I'm not a saint either.

ME: So what was Joey doing here?
JEREMY: He needed to borrow sugar.
ME: Are you serious? Is it 1957 and nobody told me?

I had gone over Jeremy's so that he could cook me dinner. Jeremy always insists on learning how to cook and it always ends in utter disaster, but nevertheless, I let him try.

When I arrived, I bumped into Joey just leaving, which for a number of reasons was rather awkward for me.

For one thing, I'm blackmailing Joey's lover so that Jeremy doesn't find out that Joey's lover is his roommate and best friend Davis, although I'm not sure Joey knows that.

Got it?

ME: I thought maybe you and Joey--
JEREMY: God, you're the second person to suggest that. Does nobody remember that Joey has a boyfriend?

I'm not sure even Joey remembers that.

ME: That relationship seems a little off to me.
JEREMY: Joey seems happy enough.
ME: Things aren't always what they appear to be.

Jeremy was attempting to do some sort of stir fry. This worried me, but I had something else on my mind. When Joey breaks up with Bart, which I'm assuming he's bound to do eventually, he'll inevitably end up corralling Davis into a relationship whether Davis wants one or not, and then Davis will come clean to Jeremy and my nice little symbiotic agreement will be null and void.

Unless, of course, Joey ends up dating someone else once Bart is out of the picture.

ME: I think you and Joey would be an adorable couple.
JEREMY: I'm taken, remember?
ME: Being in love with bookstore Billy does not qualify you as 'taken,' Jeremy. Don't be a fool.
JEREMY: You don't think it would be even more foolish to fall for a taken man?

I hate when he uses logic while I'm trying to manipulate.

ME: Billy isn't even out.
JEREMY: Not yet.
ME: He also seems to be pretty comfortable in the closet.
JEREMY: What do you mean?

This was where I pulled out a little bit of information I'd been storing.

ME: I saw Eli leaving Trent Hall the other night at 3am looking pretty disheveled.
JEREMY: What were you doing at Trent Hall at 3am?
ME: I was driving home and I cut through campus.
JEREMY: At 3am?
ME: We're not talking about my sluttery here. We're talking about Eli and your little crush.
JEREMY: Eli has tons of friends. He could have just been visiting one of them.
ME: No, he had an after-sex glow. I could tell.
JEREMY: You drove by him!
ME: I could see an after-sex glow from three miles away. I have a sensor for it. He'd had sex, trust me. And Billy's the only gay in Trent Hall.

Jeremy looked like he wanted to say something, but he stopped himself.

ME: Aside from that closet case Carter, but Eli hasn't been hanging out with him every waking second. That honor goes to Bookstore Billy.

I could see this was digging into Jeremy, which was sort of awful of me, but nonetheless it was true and convenient, so what could I do?

Jeremy added vegetables to the pan.

JEREMY: So what are you saying? I should just give up.
ME: I'm seeing keep your eye on the attractive, openly gay boy just a few doors down from you. Almost all good relationships are based on good accessibility.
JEREMY: That's a scary thought.
ME: But true.

I debated telling Jeremy the next bit of information. For one thing, I promised I wouldn't, and it was half the reason Davis was sleeping with me in the first place, but lately it had begun to seem like it was unavoidable that Jeremy would find out anyway, and when he did, I'd lose some of his trust. And I just couldn't have that.

ME: Jeremy, if I admit something to you, will you promise to vault it?
JEREMY: Uh oh. It has to go into the vault?
ME: Yes, definitely.
JEREMY: Fine.
ME: I'm serious.
JEREMY: It's vaulted, it's vaulted. What am I putting in the vault?
ME: I'm sleeping with Davis.

He turned around so fast he spilled bacon bits everywhere.

JEREMY: What?!?
ME: Are you actually putting bacon bits in stir fry?
JEREMY: Don't--You--What?
ME: Surprise.
JEREMY: I thought you and Davis hated each other.
ME: Well, he does hate me.
JEREMY: And you don't hate him?
ME: No, I do.

That was a lie. I'd actually been thinking lately that I'm falling for him. Hey, you can have someone give you sixteen orgasms in a week and not fall in love with them.

JEREMY: So why are you two sleeping together?
ME: Haven't you ever had hatred sex? It's hot.
JEREMY: Hatred sex?
ME: It's all the rage. Ba dum bum.

Jeremy looked positively unnerved by all this information. Perhaps I should have leaked all this out over time, but--

JEREMY: I can't believe it.
ME: You're on fire.
JEREMY: No, I'm not mad. I mean--
ME: No, literally, you're on fire. Turn around.

Whatever was in the pan had lit up like a fireplace. Jeremy quickly moved the pan to the sink. With any luck, that would distract him while I decided how to answer the questions he was bound to have.

Well, I thought, now we're cooking.

Testing the Waters

Hi, my name is Carter.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Someone said to Decompress

Techno/club music...check.

DOMINICK: Ruby special on the rocks.

Weird drinks served by shirtless bartenders...check.

RANDOM GUY: Hey Dom!

Really girly gay men...

ANOTHER RANDOM GAY GUY: Girl, someone needs to make...you...over.
RANDOM GUY: Shut your face, Sheila E!

Double check.

I was bored.

When I'm bored, I do...things.

Like go to random places.

Like bars...that are primarily for gay guys.

I don't know why.

Standing at the second floor of the bar and looking down, it was like looking into a sea of nastiness.

And I all I wanted to do was swim in it.

VOICE: You look a little out of place.

I turned around to see a guy a little older than me leaning on the railing with a drink in his hand. He looked like he already had a few. He sort of had this dorky look to him that's kind of cool, I guess, if you're into guys, which you might think I am, because I was in a gay bar, but I'm totally not.

ME: I'm not gay.
GUY: Huh?
ME: I'm not gay.
GUY: That might explain why you look out of place.
ME: I'm just checking things out.
GUY: Just testing the waters?
ME: What water? There's a pool?
GUY: It's an expression.

I didn't know if that was gay lingo or not.

ME: So...are you...?
GUY: Gay, yes.
ME: You look like you've had a lot to drink.
GUY: Not nearly enough, actually.
ME: How come you look sad?
GUY: Oh, my boyfriend screwed me tonight.
ME: Isn't that what he's supposed to do?
GUY: I mean, in a metaphorical sense. He was supposed to vote with me on something and instead he voted with my mortal enemy.
ME: I'm sorry.
GUY: He said he had to do what he felt was right. Once again, I get royally--
ME: Do you want to get out of here?

He looked at me kind of funny. I realize how I said it...It must have sounded--But I didn't mean it that way.

But I didn't say anything either.

GUY: Um...No. Like I said. I have a boyfriend.
ME: Okay. But you're mad at him.
GUY: That doesn't mean I'm going to cheat on him.
ME: We could just get pizza.
GUY: That's all you want? Pizza?

He smiled at me in a way I didn't like. Kind of sort of like 'Oh, you poor young kid.' I don't like that. So I walked away.

GUY: Hey! Wait! What's your name?

I don't know why I told him, but I figured--

ME: It's Carter.
GUY: I'm Bart. Nice to meet you, Carter.

I didn't say 'Nice to meet you back.'

I'm never going back to that place. Never.

Unless I'm bored again and have nothing to do.

The Empty Seat

Hi, my name is Bart.

Today was a good day.

JOEY: You're obsessed.
ME: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Joey and I were eating breakfast while I plotted how to get control of the RI-TRI committee. I could tell my boyfriend was getting a little sick of hearing about my plotting against Davis, especially since things had just gotten physical the night before, but I promised once I had achieved a few small goals, everything would be fine.

JOEY: And what are those goals?
ME: Banish Davis to a small island in the South Pacific after ousting him from RI-TRI.
JOEY: Bart--
ME: North Pacific?
JOEY: I'm serious.
ME: Is there even a North Pacific?
JOEY: I want you to give up on this, for me, please. For us. It's turning you into a crazy lunatic. You're fistfighting in hallways--
ME: That was mostly his fault.
JOEY: You're acting like a junior high kid running for Vice-President of his class.
ME: I don't understand.
JOEY: I'm saying you're too ambitious all the time.
ME: No, I get that, but why wouldn't I be running for President?

He took his eggs and went into the kitchen. I was only half-joking, but he didn't even seem nearly half-amused.

Before I could try to smooth things over, my cell phone lit up. It was a call from Liam, one of the RI-TRI members.

ME: Hey Liam, what's up?
LIAM: Bart, hey, I called because, well...You've always been a good friend to me, Bart.
ME: Liam, what's wrong?
LIAM: I'm leaving RI-TRI.
ME: What? Why?
LIAM: Because I'm leaving Rhode Island. I got a job offer in Philadelphia and I'm taking it.
ME: Oh, good for you. We'll be sad to lose you though.
LIAM: You might not be after you find out why Davis is still in office.
ME: What do you mean?
LIAM: Your hunch was right, Bart. Something did happen at that party.

And that was how my day took a turn for the glorious.

DAVIS: So, why are we having this emergency meeting? Did you forget how to use a condom again, Bart?

I had called in all the members of RI-TRI after Liam had made his confession to me.

BART: Actually, I received a phone call from Liam this morning. He's leaving Rhode Island, which means he won't be able to serve on the committee anymore.

There were moans of disappointment all around. If only they knew that before he left, Liam had sung like a queer at a karaoke bar.

BART: So, we have to fill that slot immediately.
DAVIS: Okay, so we'll do a search--
BART: Oh, I don't think we need to do a search. I've found a good candidate for his seat.
DAVIS: Well, maybe in the Magical World of Bart, it's all right for you to just find--
BART: Like how in the Magical World of Davis, orgies are political moves?

There was a dead silence in the room.

BART: I could have you all thrown off this committee for so many reasons, all of which I've looked up, but I won't.
DAVIS: You won't?
BART: I won't if you accept my new candidate. If that happens, I'll never speak of it again.
DAVIS: All right, so who is this new candidate?

I went to the door and brought in the newest member of the RI-TRI committee.

JOEY: Hi everyone.

Davis looked utterly shocked. For some reason, there also seemed to be the glimmer of a smile on his lips, but that just might his way of saying "Well played."

BART: I believe you all know Joey.
DAVIS: We certainly do. All in favor?

Nothing but "Ay"s.

DAVIS: Terrific. Have a seat, Joey.

Joey sat down looking nervous. He had been against this plan, but had agreed to it when I promised it would end all future trouble between Davis and I. Now, I was going to have a majority on the committee when votes arose. Even with Davis two votes, I knew that I could still beat him with the other members no longer being blackmailed by him and Joey's new position.

DAVIS: Well, as long as we're here, why don't we take that vote on Pride regarding age limits to clubs.
BART: Great idea, Davis.

I smiled at Joey as if to say, You see? It'll all be over now.

DAVIS: All in favor of not making the clubs on Pride go twenty-one plus?

Half the committee raised their hands. I could see some were still leaning towards Davis' side, but it wouldn't matter. I had Joey now.

DAVIS: All opposed?

As expected, half raised their hands.

DAVIS: Joey?
JOEY: Yes?
DAVIS: Are you planning on voting?
JOEY: Um...
ME: You have to vote, Joey. You're the tie-breaker.

And at that moment, as I looked at my boyfriend's face, I felt rather guilty.

He kept looking between Davis and me, as if I had just put him in the worst position of his life.

Drown Your Sorrows

Hi, my name is Ben.

GUY LYING NEXT TO ME: Ben?

I have to get going.

School has now become an awkward area due to the very public confrontation between me and Jeremy.

JEREMY: Why would you talk to him?
ME: Is there a rule that says I can't talk to people?
JEREMY: Yes, it's called 'Don't Hit on the Guy Your Friend' likes. It's a very popular rule.
ME: Oh, so I can't like any of the twelve guys you currently have a crush on?
JEREMY: Sorry. I didn't know I had to make way for people who aren't even out of the closet yet.
ME: That's a fucked up thing to say.
JEREMY: Ben, it's simple logic. You can't use the equipment until you join the gym!

I guess I should have been worried that Jeremy would out me to everyone, but then again, I don't really give a shit about much anymore, so that's probably why all I did was walk away from him.

GUY LYING NEXT TO ME: Hey, where are you going?
ME: I have class. It was nice meeting you.
GUY LYING NEXT TO ME: Yeah, you too.

I throw on my clothes and head to my dorm room where I proceed to sleep until four o'clock. Then I head to my musical theater performance class, already ten minutes late.

When I walk in, I can feel the entire room tense up. Jeremy is sitting across from the room, and he must have sensed that it was me, because he doesn't turn to look when I walk in. But everyone else sure does.

HANK: Awk-ward.

The professor is named Murray Hawkins. He's a quiet kind of guy, and just about every musical theater major wants his approval. I was kind of pissed at myself for being late to class. I'll have to make up for it with my performance.

MURRAY: Ben, you're going today, right?
ME: You bet I am.

I hand the accompanist my sheet music and stand in front of my firing squad, otherwise known as my peers.

ME: Hi, my name is Ben, and I will be singing 'I Don't Care Much' from Cabaret.

It shouldn't be too hard selling this one, since at the moment the only message I wanted to convey to anyone was a giant 'fuck off.'

I DON'T CARE MUCH
GO OR STAY
I DON'T CARE VERY MUCH
EITHER WAY

That night after class, I went back to my dorm, but Carter was there with Billy. They were reading the Wilde Blog out loud to each other.

BILLY: It looks like John Davis will be keeping his spot at the top of the gay food chain in Rhode Island, after an attempted coup by Bart Saunders failed yesterday.
CARTER: I want to meet this guy. He sounds cool.

You want to meet him so you can climb his food chain, I thought to myself.

CARTER: Are you going out again, Benny?

I keep asking him not to call me "Benny" but he seems to like saying the "e" in it. Go figure.

ME: Yeah, I'm going to take a walk.

HEARTS GROW COLD
ON A WINDY STREET.
LIPS GROW COLD
WITH THE RENT TO MEET.

I wound up in Trent 5-10, the party suite. Whenever you need to take your mind off things, it's a good place to go--mostly because they can get you drunk and high five minutes after you walk into the place.

GINA: Hey baby!

As soon as I walked in the place, I spotted Gina and Eli sitting on the couch with a couple of empty cups on the table in front of them. OSC is a dry campus, but nobody seems to keep that in mind.

ELI: Benizzle! Fa real?
ME: Fa real, Eli. I need to get wasted.
GINA: Then you have come to the right place, sweetie. Have a seat.

Gina is really hot. If I weren't into guys, I'd be all over her. She also doesn't make it much of a secret that she finds me attractive, but then again, most of the girls are. I'll admit it; it'll be hard giving that up once I come out. If I come out.

After about an hour, I was completely out of my mind. I was laughing at everything and wrestling with Gina while Eli threw pretzels at us. Finally, we all wound up in Gina's room on the bed watching television. I'm not sure exactly how what happened next did, but suddenly I was kissing Gina.

Our shirts were both off, and we were rolling around on her bed. Keep in mind, I was completely drunk, although it was still kind of fun. But then at one point, Gina was just sort of laying to the side passed out, but I still felt someone kissing me. I turned around and then--Wham!

I was making out with Eli.

SO IF YOU KISS ME
IF WE TOUCH
WARNING'S FAIR
I DON'T CARE
VERY MUCH.

When it was all over, Gina was stilll asleep and Eli and I were lying next to each other.

ME: That was...
ELI: Man, I am so drunk.
ME: Huh?
ELI: I'm not going to remember any of this tomorrow.

And he put on his clothes, and left.

I'd say Who knew? But really, who didn't?

Night Gone Wrong

Hi, my name is Davis.

I am a badass mother--

ME: Unanimous. Well, how about that?

First, I took down Bart at the RI-TRI meeting where he was trying to unseat me.

BART: I don't understand this. The vote is a question of whether Davis is morally--
LIAM: We know what the vote was about, Bart.
FRED: We just don't feel that Davis is morally corrupt.

At least, not moreso than they are.

TYLER: He's done great things for this organization.

Like allowing every man in the room--minus Bart--to participate in a brazen orgy on my living room rug.

BART: I know something happened at that little party he threw, and when I find out what it is, you're all going down with him.

I clapped slowly.

ME: Brilliant speech, Bart. Really, from the heart. I felt it. Now, onto Pride. Bart, I believe there was some motion of yours about the age limit at the clubs that I needed to shoot down?

Of course, I expected him to be mad.

But I didn't expect an altercation right outside my front door.

I had just gotten home and was walking to the door when I heard the elevator open behind me. And I smelled something. It was either cheap cologne or sexual incompetency. Then something told me it was probably Bart.

BART: You did something.
ME: Bart, are you going to rattle on about this or are you going to be a man and get over it.
BART: Don't tell me what to do.

On the word 'Don't' he walked up to me and pushed my shoulder.

ME: No need to get physical. I wouldn't want to catch whatever skin disease is causing your face to look like the lunar landing strip.
BART: You're not going to get away with this.
ME: Maybe you should focuse on something else for a change, Bart. Like the fact that you probably haven't successfully fucked your boyfriend in months. At least not to his satisfaction, I'm imagining.
BART: You son-of-a-bitch.

He went for the first punch, so I ducked and plowed into him sending us both crashing into the elevator doors. I was getting some good throws in at his side when I felt someone pull me off of him. I looked up to find Jeremy holding onto me for dear life while Joey was kneeling over Bart.

It should have struck me as funny considering the text I sent earlier during the meeting after the vote to keep me in was secure.

TEXT FROM ME: Joey, I just pounded your boyfriend, now I want to do the same to you. Text me back.

--But Joey hadn't responded. And he had just come out of my apartment.

JEREMY: Would you two please stop this?
BART: I'm sorry, Jeremy. I didn't mean for--
JOEY: You're acting like children.
ME: Why didn't you text me back?
JEREMY, BART, and JOEY: What?

I wasn't thinking. Now I had screwed up. Luckily, good old Jeremy saved me.

JEREMY: I meant to, but I...um...it's a long story.
ME: Why was Joey in the apartment with you?

Was he going from roommate to roommate?

JOEY: Jeremey had a bad night at the auditions. I was just talking to him.
BART: That's nice of you, babe. I'm sorry I got so angry, but Davis was saying things about you that--
JOEY: About me?

I could tell he was worried I mentioned something about our affair.

ME: Nothing everyone doesn't already know.

I'd had enough. I went into the apartment and shut the door. A few minutes later, Jeremy came in.

JEREMY: What the hell was that?
ME: He tried suckerpunching me, the little cocksucker.
JEREMY: Then you must have said something to get him really angry, because Bart does not strike me as the violent type.
ME: You'd be surprised. The ones you don't expect are always the ones who do crazy things like shoot up post offices or wear button downs with jeans.
JEREMY: I wear button downs with--Never mind!
ME: Look, I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
JEREMY: Fine. Go to bed. Forget the fact that I had a horrendous night of my own.

Then I felt bad. I hadn't even processed what Joey had said, and from the two empty cartons of Ben and Jerry's on the counter I could tell it had been a rough night.

ME: Jeremy, I'm--
JEREMY: And why did you try and make it sound like something had been happening with Joey and I? You know I would never do anything with someone who has a boyfriend.

Oh right, that would be me.

ME: I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry. What happened tonight?
JEREMY: I don't want to talk about it.
ME: You always want to talk about everything.
JEREMY: I know, but I can't talk about it, so I don't want to. I'm just going to go to bed, okay?
ME: Okay, but you know if somebody's been messing with you--
JEREMY: You're the only person who got messed with tonight, Bruiser.
ME: I also kicked some ass at RI-TRI.
JEREMY: The big orgy plot worked?
ME: Like a fucking charm.
JEREMY: See, you always wind up on top.

I'll leave that alone.

Jeremy gave me a kiss on the side of the head, and went into his room. A minute later, my phone lit up.

TEXT FROM JOEY: I can't believe you did that.
TEXT FROM ME: Are you turned on?
TEXT FROM JOEY: You're insane.
TEXT FROM ME: Would saying 'he started' it be childish of me?
TEXT FROM JOEY: Just leave me alone for awhile, okay?
TEXT FROM ME: Are you serious?

But I got nothing back until--

TEXT FROM RITCHIE: Are you busy? I want a repeat of the other night.
TEXT FROM ME: Fuck off, you blackmailing dickhead.
TEXT FROM RITCHIE: Maybe I should just text Bart, and then Jeremy...
TEXT FROM ME: Fine, come over.

I might as well get the rest of my aggression out some way.

Too bad. It had the potential to be a truly stellar night.