Never Have I Ever

Hi, my name is Jackson.

ME: Let's play a little game.

I'm about to start some shit.

JEREMY: Absolutely not.
ME: Why?
JEREMY: Jackson, the last game you played got you thrown out of your first college.
ELI: Oh, lighten up, Jeremy. We have to do something to kill time.

We'd spent all day cleaning out Davis' cabin. Everything got a full make-over except one of the guest rooms upstairs. I heard what sounded like raccoons mating in it, and I decided to just surrender that little love shack to nature.

DAVIS: Hey Carter and Ritchie, where you were you guys this afternoon?
CARTER: In the guest room upstairs.

I'd have preferred walking in on raccoons.

ELI: So what game are we playing?
ME: Never Have I Ever.
DAVIS: No way. I'm not playing that.
ME: Why not?
DAVIS: Because it's no fun. I always win.
ME: The point isn't to win. The point is to get drunk.
DAVIS: And find out secrets.
RITCHIE: I'm in!
HANK: This is going to end badly.

We all got in a circle.

ME: I'll go first.
DAVIS: That's usually how it happens.
ME: I'll ignore that. Never have I ever...
HANK: Already this game is getting difficult.
ME: ...Had a threeway.

Ritchie, Joey, Carter, Davis, and Eli took a drink.

Billy looked over at Ben.

BILLY: Ben?
BEN: Yes?
BILLY: I believe you've earned yourself a drink.
BEN: I wouldn't consider that a threeway.
NATHAN: I very much considered it a threeway.
BEN: I--
NATHAN and BILLY: Drink.

Next up was Ritchie.

RITCHIE: Never have I ever gone shirtless at Prisms.

Carter, Eli, Joey, and I took a drink.

JEREMY: You've totally gone shirtless at Prisms.
RITCHIE: Oops, looks like I gotta drink.

Then came Carter.

CARTER: Never have I ever moved in with anybody I was dating.

Joey drank. Nobody else.

ME: Um...Billy?
BILLY: Yeah.
ME: Don't you think you should take a drink?
BILLY: Why?
ME: You wouldn't say you're living with us?
BILLY: No.
JEREMY: Jackson, it's not like he moved any of his stuff in.
DAVIS: Living with someone is just being there all the time.
BILLY: That is not living with someone.
DAVIS: Yes, it is.
JEREMY: If that was living with someone, then you were living with Travis.
NATHAN: Billy, just take the drink. It's only Sprite anyway.
BILLY: No! I'm not living with Jeremy so I'm not drinking!

Silence.

ME: Okay...moving on.

Eli raised his hand.

ME: You don't have to do that, Eli. Just--
ELI: Never have I ever fooled around in the Fishbowl.
JOEY: Me again? Awww...
CARTER: I'm right with you, Joey.
HANK: You should be. You were probably the one doing it with him.

Luckily for Joey, he was next.

JOEY: Never have I ever fallen in love at first sight.
HANK: Usually he waits for them to take off their wigs.

Jeremy took a drink.

ME: How's the Sprite?
JEREMY: Fantastic.
BILLY: Who was the lucky guy?
ME: I'm looking at him.

He gave Billy a kiss.

ME: Barf. Next?

That meant Hank.

HANK: Never have I ever faked my own death.

Joey and Eli took a drink.

NATHAN: It's really sad that we have two people who can say they've done that.
BEN: Yeah, faking death isn't your thing. Just disabilities.

Then Billy--

BILLY: Never have I ever gotten drunk.

Everybody but Jeremy took a drink.

CARTER: That's irony, isn't it?
RITCHIE: Have another drink, Carter.

Then Jeremy--

JEREMY: Never have I ever been in an open relationship.

Ben and Nathan looked at each other, then took a drink.

BILLY: WHAT?
BEN: It's not like we're in it anymore!
RITCHIE: This is the best game ever.
DAVIS: Define 'relationship.'
ME: Davis, it's like when you've cheated on people, except both parties are doing it.
DAVIS: Alright, smartass. My turn. Never have I ever tried sleeping with somebody my brother liked just because he liked him.

Son-of-a-bitch.

ME: Fine.

I downed the entire drink, then threw the glass across the room.

ME: Ben, you're next.
JEREMY: Why don't we just--
ME: BEN-IS-NEXT.
BEN: Okay! Never have I ever--I don't know--
HANK: Just pick something stupid like--Never have I ever killed somebody.
BEN: Uhhh...how about eating sushi? I've never eaten sushi.
RITCHIE: Lame.

Joey took a drink.

BILLY: Joey, you've eaten sushi?
JOEY: Does it matter?

Finally, we came to the end. I was still fuming over Davis' remark. He was going to pay for that.

NATHAN: Okay. Never have I ever slept with Davis.

Joey, Ben, Ritchie, and Billy each took a drink.

HANK: Jeremy?
JEREMY: Davis and I never slept together.
NATHAN: Oh come on. You guys dated.
JEREMY: Yeah, but we never--got that far.
DAVIS: One of us wanted to wait--to make it...special.
CARTER: Aww, Jeremy's a softie.
JEREMY: He wasn't talking about me.

I looked at my brother, and saw this little glimmer in his eye. Then I looked at Davis and saw the same glimmer in his.

Apparently there was some unfinished business there between the dynamic duo.

Then I saw Billy's eyes and--

BILLY: Okay, we're done.

Game over.

Balls in the Air

Hi, my name is Ben.

JACKSON: Hello roomie.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a juggler.

JACKSON: Don't get any crazy ideas. Just because I look exactly like the boy you're madly in love with--

A really bad juggler.

JACKSON: --I'm a LOT more flexible.
ME: It's creepy you know that about your brother.
JACKSON: Please, we took gym class together in high school--until they watched him attempt to play basketball, then they gave a pass for the rest of the year. The coach couldn't stop laughing long enough to actually teach anything with him there after that.

Knock, knock.

JACKSON: I'm trying to seduce someone in here!

The door opened--

NATHAN: Looks like I got here just in time.
JACKSON: Well, come on in, Nathan. You can walk, can't you?
NATHAN: Very funny. Jackson, can you excuse my boyfriend and I for a second?
JACKSON: Sure. Let me know when you two officially change your Facebook statuses.

Jackson left and Nathan closed the door behind him.

ME: Why did you decide to come up here?
NATHAN: Because I wanted to make things right.
ME: With Jeremy?
NATHAN: With you.
ME: You don't care about me.
NATHAN: Ben, everything I've ever done has been to try and keep you.
ME: You should have tried being honest. That might have worked.
NATHAN: Fine. I'll be honest. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
ME: No way. You're just freaking out because now that you can't blackmail me with anything, there's no reason for me to stay with you.
NATHAN: Are you sure about that blackmail part?

He took his IPhone out of his pocket, and with one touch--

MY VOICE: Eli, what are you doing here? What's going on with Taylor?
ELI'S VOICE: He's insane, Ben!
MY VOICE: He's supposed to be dead!
ELI'S VOICE: What are you talking about?
MY VOICE: Eli, I killed Taylor!

Nathan put the IPhone away and smiled.

ME: I thought I killed him, but I guess not.
NATHAN: Something tells me it won't matter. You showed up shaking on my doorstep and confessed--
ME: And you promised not to say anything.
NATHAN: If we're not together, then I don't need to keep any promises to you.
ME: Nathan, I'm warning you--
NATHAN: No, I'm warning YOU.

Knock, knock.

I opened the door, but nobody was there.

NATHAN: It came from that door.

He pointed towards what I thought was the closet door.

ME: Oh no.

The door opened.

BILLY: Did you forget that these are adjoining rooms?
ME: Uh, I guess so.

How much did he--

BILLY: By the way, I heard everything.

And the balls come tumbling down.

The Hotel New Hampshire

Hi, my name is Davis.

ME: Welcome to Paradise.

This is my cabin.

HANK: It smells like okra.

Okay, my parent's summer house on the Cape would have been a better choice.

JEREMY: Davis, when was the last time anyone stayed here?
ME: Let's see, I was a junior--
JACKSON: In college?
ME: Yeah, let's go with that.

Something ran over my feet. I didn't panic though.

JOEY: Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

I let Joey do that instead.

ELI: I think I saw a run-down old motel with an axe murderer inside it a few miles back.
BEN: I'll warm up the car.

I grabbed Ben by the back of his shirt, and whispered in his ear.

ME: Go where you want, but Jeremy is staying here with me.

I could see Ben biting his tongue, but finally he said--

BEN: Come on, guys. This'll be fun.
BILLY: Since when are you so upbeat?
BEN: It's a new me.

Jeremy caught that one, and smiled.

Maybe it was wrong of me to use Ben's feelings for my best friend against him, but I didn't want to stuck in this creepy place alone without someone to feed the raccoons to if things get crazy.

CARTER: Um, guys, if this turns into a scary movie, and I'm black--

We have raccoon bait.

RITCHIE: So just who is rooming with whom? Huh?
BILLY: Me and Jeremy, obviously.

Shocker.

JOEY: I'll room with Davis.

Great. I just love old flames. They always end up burning up your life all over again.

RITCHIE: Actually, Joey, why don't you room with me and Hank can room with Davis. He did save his life.
ME: I like that idea.

Hank will be a fun roommate--meaning that I can kick him out once I get drunk enough to nail one of these morons.

BEN: Who am I rooming with?
CARTER: You can room with me, Ben.
ELI: Or me.
BILLY: Or all three of you can room together. I'm sure Davis has a futon lying around here somewhere.

A hand went up in the group.

JACKSON: Ben can room with me. Carter and Eli can room with Jeremy and Billy. I saw a room with two beds. That way the saints can play baby-sitters.

Jeremy didn't seem to like this idea, but he didn't say anything until everyone went to unpack their stuff.

JEREMY: Jackson, you don't have to room with Ben. You can room with me and Billy and Carter can--
JACKSON: What's the matter, Jeremy? Don't like me sleeping so close to your old boyfriend?
BILLY: No, he doesn't care. He's got a new boyfriend. Right, Jeremy?
JEREMY: Absolutely.

There was a knock on the door.

ME: Damn! It's probably Travis.
JEREMY: He couldn't have found us already.
VOICE: Guys! Let me in!

Billy went to the door and opened it--

BILLY: Looks like we're going to need one more bed.

--And there was Nathan.

A Little Vacation

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

JACKSON: He's going to kill us all.

My brother is overreacting.

DAVIS: Jackson, he only wants to kill me...and anyone with me.

Okay, maybe he's not overreacting THAT MUCH.

Hank showed up at a party at my apartment bearing an unconscious Davis in his arms.

When Davis woke up, he convinced us to call off the rescue squad.

DAVIS: This is the kind of thing you keep low-profile.
JOEY: How did Travis find out about your past?
DAVIS: He read it in the Wilde Blog.
PAIGE: Did he like the new aesthetic?

Silence.

PAIGE: Because that might helps us...figure out his frame of mind.
JACKSON: Paige, we know his frame of mind. He's insane.
BEN: What are you going to do, Davis?
DAVIS: I'm thinking I could hide out for awhile and organize my thoughts. My parents have a cabin in New Hampshire.
ME: I'm going with you.

Everyone looked at me.

ME: If Travis finds you--
DAVIS: He's not going to find me.
HANK: I don't know, Davis. It seems like he really wanted to kill you.
ME: I'm going with you. End of discussion.
BILLY: Uh, Jeremy, can I talk to you for a second?

Billy pulled me into my bedroom.

ME: Is something wrong?
BILLY: Yes, apparently, your brain.
ME: Excuse me?
BILLY: You can't run off with Davis. If he's in trouble--
ME: Then I'm in trouble. He's my best friend.
BILLY: I understand that.
ME: Then don't ask me to abandon him.
BILLY: I wasn't--

But I was already out the door.

I had a plan.

ME: Look, there's safety in numbers, and we could all use a little vacation. Why don't a group of us go up to New Hampshire together and that way if Travis shows up--
ELI: We can what? Tackle him? Be serious.
ME: Fine. I just thought it might just be a nice chance for everybody to get drunk and...spend quality time with each other.

I saw the eyes dart around the room.

Hank wants to get back with Jackson.

HANK: I'm in.

Ritchie wants to hook up with Joey.

RITCHIE: Me too.

Joey wants to hook up with Davis.

JOEY: Yeah, me too.

Ben wants me to like him again.

BEN: I'm coming too.

Which means--

BILLY: So am I.

And with all that potential--

CARTER: I'll go home and pack.
JACKSON: You gotta live a little, right?
ELI: Should I start pre-gaming now?

I heard a squeal and realized I'd forgotten something.

PAIGE: I'll bring snacks!

Ugh...

ME: Paige, you and Adam should stay here and find out if Travis asks around about Davis.
ADAM: Why can't Paige stay here while I go with you guys?
ME: Because you only want to hook up with people, and the rest of us are going to...

Hook-up.
Hook-up.
Hook-up.

ME: ...bond.
ADAM: Oh please. That is such--
PAIGE: Adam, it's totally fine! This means we can have slumber parties.

Adam narrowed his eyes at me.

ADAM: You'll pay for this.

It was for the best.

The less people for Travis to shoot at--

--the better.

Persona Non Grata

Hi, my name is Adam.

ELI: I'm sorry--have we met?

Welcome to the Zombie Party.

ME: Actually, I think--
ELI: Never mind. I'm not drunk enough to care.

In honor of Eli coming back from the dead--along with Joey's resurrection--Jackson decided to throw a zombie party.

JACKSON: Adam!
ME: Hey Jackson.
JACKSON: Uh...what are you doing here?
ME: Um, I'm here for the party. Paige invited me.
JACKSON: Did she now? Oh Paige!

Everyone was shooting me looks at the party. Maybe they knew about my fling with Carter.

Oh well, I wasn't going to let it spoil my good time. Who were they to judge? They'd all hooked up with Carter too.

NATHAN: Well, well, well.

Okay, maybe not all of them.

NATHAN: If it isn't the newly christened OSC skank.
ME: Excuse me?
NATHAN: First you sleep with me, then Joey, then Carter--

Hmm, maybe I had forgotten about the math.

NATHAN: Not the way to put your best foot forward, Adam.
ME: You're right. I should have just faked a disability.
NATHAN: Do you realize who you're talking to?
ME: Clearly someone a LOT older than me.

I felt someone's hand on my shoulder.

JEREMY: Adam?

Oh good--one of the friendlier CBQ's.

JEREMY: Why don't you leave?

WHAT?!?!

ME: Why?
JEREMY: Look, this isn't the best group of people to involve yourself with, okay?
ME: Then why are you involved with them?

Pause.

JEREMY: Because I don't get cable, and this is the next best thing.
ME: Fine. I never really wanted to go to this stupid party anyway.
JEREMY: That's for the best.
ME: Please can't I just stay until someone makes out with me?
JEREMY: Good-bye Adam.

I ran into Paige in the hallway.

PAIGE: Hey, where are you going?
ME: Nobody wants me here, Paige.
PAIGE: I want you here.
ME: You don't count.
PAIGE: Gee, thanks.

That was when the elevator doors opened to reveal Hank--

HANK: Get a doctor.

--holding an unconscious Davis in his arms.

HANK: Didn't you hear me? Call 9-1-1!

The door to the apartment opened, and all the boys came rushing out.

JEREMY: Davis!
NATHAN: What happened?
BILLY: Is he alright?
JOEY: Hank, what--
RITCHIE: I'm calling an ambulance now.
ELI: Is he breathing?
CARTER: Did his boyfriend do this?
BEN: Oh God, this is bad.
JACKSON: Put him in the apartment.

This party might be worth fighting for after all.

The Nasty Break

Hi, my name is Hank.

DAVIS: I have a proposition for you.
ME: Does it involve a noose and a shaky chair?

Ever since I found out that my ex-boyfriend's mother fixed me up with a male escort, I've been feeling a little low.

So when Davis asked me to meet him at his apartment and wear something nice; I figured my luck was over. Everybody wants to shack up with John Davis, and a little fling would be just what I needed to bump my spirits.

DAVIS: I want you to seduce my boyfriend.

So much for bumping--of any kind.

ME: I'm leaving.
DAVIS: Hear me out!

I should have known I wasn't going to have sex when Davis answered the door in a button-down. That many buttons indicates no desire to get naked quickly.

DAVIS: Hank, my boyfriend is a rich, powerful, and handsome guy.
ME: Then why do you want me to sleep with him?
DAVIS: Because I'm scared he's going to smother me in my sleep.
ME: Annnnd we're done.
DAVIS: Look, let's break this down. You're single. You're depressed. You have no goals.
ME: About that noose--
DAVIS: Travis and you would be a good fit. You wouldn't get him angry like I do.
ME: What do you mean?
DAVIS: Well, for one thing, you wouldn't want to sleep with other people and you don't need to see natural light every day.

The door opened and the man of the hour appeared.

TRAVIS: Are we having a party?
DAVIS: No, but I did want you to meet my friend, Hank.
TRAVIS: Nice to meet you, Hank.
ME: Ditto. I was just leaving.
TRAVIS: I think that's a good idea.
DAVIS: Travis, Hank is a great guy. You should get to know him.
TRAVIS: Why would I want to get to know my ex-boyfriend's friend?

Silence.

DAVIS: Beg your pardon?
TRAVIS: I did some digging today, Davis, and I found out some things that are...discomforting to me.
DAVIS: Such as?

Things that Davis has done that a boyfriend wouldn't like to know about?

That would be one long list.

TRAVIS: Instigating orgies for personal gain, derailing an entire gay organization, sleeping with everyone and anyone--
ME: Sounds like you, Davis.
DAVIS: How do you know about all this?
TRAVIS: That Wilde Blog.

Oh boy.

TRAVIS: It's a damn good read.

I started to inch towards the door.

TRAVIS: You made a fool out of me.
DAVIS: You knew what you were getting into when we started dating.
TRAVIS: I know that I just swam in a dirty pool--and now I have to clean myself off.
ME: I'm a little lost with that metaphor.
TRAVIS: I'm going to give you some time to disappear, Davis.
DAVIS: I'm not going anywhere. This is my town.
TRAVIS: You can either walk away--or run. It's up to you.

Davis stepped up to Travis. I'm not sure he even realized I was in the room.

DAVIS: Fuck you, Travis. I wish I'd fucked everyone and anyone on your expensive fucking sheets.

Travis hauled off, and knocked Davis out.

I immediately knelt down to see if he was totally unconscious.

Travis stood over me.

TRAVIS: Get him out of here.

I picked up Davis, and slung him over my shoulder.

TRAVIS: Oh, and when he wakes up--

He smiled.

TRAVIS: Tell him he's a dead man.

That was when I ran.

Movie Night

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ADAM: Hey Ritchie, how are you?
ME: I'm dandy. Can I help you?
ADAM: I thought maybe we could have a movie night.

Adam has stopped by to try and get in my pants.

I can tell just by the movies he brought over to "watch."

ME: Bridge on the River Kwai? You have no intention of watching that.
ADAM: Are you kidding? I love war--and Kwai.

This is where I let him down--hard.

ME: You do know that I know you slept with Carter, right?
ADAM: Uh, how do you know that?
ME: Because he told everybody.
ADAM: Are you kidding?
ME: Nooo. Not only was it his Facebook status, but today it wound up on Wilde Blog.

WILDE BLOG!!!

THE NEW KID IN TOWN HAS ALREADY SLEPT WITH THE TOWN SLUT.

THAT'S RIGHT. ADAM'S LOST HIS SHEEN.

SOMEBODY FIND A VIOLIN TO PLAY

So sad, so sad.

ADAM: So, does this mean we can't sleep together?
ME: You got it.
ADAM: But you slept with Carter!
ME: But your appeal was that you hadn't. It's like the Wilde Blog said. Once someone sleeps with Carter, they become just another gay slut. He's like the apple in the garden of Eden. You've fallen from grace, Adam.
ADAM: But that's not fair!
ME: Welcome to Hypocrites and Homos. The world's a frustrating place.

I shut the door on him.

Joey popped his head out of his room.

JOEY: Is he gone?
ME: Yes, and you can come out now.

He's been avoiding Adam since Joey decided he was bored with their fling-ing.

...Which is good news for me.

ME: So you want to watch a movie?
JOEY: Sure. What do you want to watch?
ME: How about All Quiet on the Western Front?
JOEY: Um...okay. I'll change into my pajamas.
ME: Sounds good.

Hey, what do you know?

I like a little combat too.