Jackson's Mother

Hi, my name is Jackson.

JOAN: Isn't it nice that we're all here together as a family?

I'm contemplating matricide.

My mother has been staying with my sister, Paige, and I all summer. Now that our brother Jeremy was back, we had planned to form a united front to get her to go home, but Jeremy wasn't seeing things our way.

JEREMY: If we send her home, Chris could flip out over the money she stole and get rid of her!

. . . . .

PAIGE, ME: And?

We had arranged to have dinner and kick our mother out at our apartment. Billy and Hank were invited since they now had the unfortunate distinction of dating me and Jeremy, and Paige invited her new best friend--

CARTER: Guyyyyys, I'm hungry.

I sprayed Carter with the hose from the sink.

CARTER: Heyyy!
ME: Go back to your pen and wait for us to feed you.

He sulked out of the kitchen.

JEREMY: I'm sorry, you two, but I'm not sending our mother back to a madman.
PAIGE: Fine, but she is NOT staying here. She's been stealing my birth control pills trying to get a high off of them.
ME: You mean to tell me the barren wasteland is taking birth control? That's like throwing water down a well.
JEREMY: Into the dining room! Let's get this over with...

Part of me was giddy.

Oh hell, all of me was giddy.

Breaking bad news to my mother is the closest I ever come to true joy.

JOAN: So Hank, how are you and Jackson?
HANK: Well, we still kind of hate each other, but the sex is fantastic.
JEREMY: HANK!
JOAN: I used to say the same thing about your father, Jackson. May he rest in peace.
PAIGE: Mom, Dad's not dead. He just left and never came back.
JOAN: His spirit is dead, Paige. Wherever he is, he's walking around with a dead spirit clinging to his fat body.
JACKSON: There's probably a twenty-year-old girl named Cindy clinging to him, too.
JOAN: THAT'S NOT FUNNY, JACKSON!

She slammed her hand down on the table and a fork went flying into Billy's shoulder.

Instantly, there was chaos.

BILLY: It's okay! I don't think it broke the skin.
HANK: Is that blood?
BILLY: I'M PASSING OUT! I'M PASSING OUT!
ME: No, you're not! Otherwise you wouldn't be yelling it!
PAIGE: Get him on the couch!
JOAN: Not while he's bleeding! I'll put down some newspaper!
ME: You're not helping, Mom.
JOAN: Well, what can I do to help?
JEREMY: YOU CAN MOVE OUT!

We all stopped and looked at Jeremy.

JOAN: What?
JEREMY: I'm sorry, Mom, but you need to move out. This just isn't working.
JOAN: I see.

That was when she walked back over to the table and started throwing forks at the rest of us--and some knives.

Mostly knives.