Under the Table

Hi, my name is Adam.

ME: Do you come here often?
JOEY: I used to before I die--ted a lot.

This was the first time Joey and I had been to a restaurant together--or really, out anywhere together.

At first I thought Joey might be embarrassed of us, but judging by how nervous he was acting, I thought maybe he was on the lam...

...which would be totally hot.

ME: Are you okay? You seem so jumpy.
JOEY: I'm just...not used to...being..OH MY GOD!

He hopped under the table.

ME: What's going on?
JOEY: Some people I know just walked in.

I turned around to see Jeremy, Davis, Jackson, and Billy walk into the restaurant.

ME: Oh, it's cool. They're my friend Paige's brothers and--
JOEY: You're friends with Paige?
ME: Yeah.

He yanked me down under the table as well.

ME: Is this a sex thing?
JOEY: No, I don't want them to see me! I don't understand. Jeremy's Facebook status said they were all going to the movies!
VOICE: The movie was sold out.

All the blood drained from Joey's face. (He doesn't look as good pale.)

He and I poked our heads out from under the table.

JACKSON: Wow Joey, you look pretty good for a dead guy.

I looked at Paige, but she was busy on her Blackberry--

--posting this entire incident on her blog.

Wait a second...

Did Jackson say 'dead?'

The Doppleganger

Hi, my name is Hank.

DEVON: So...um...

This is my celebrity boyfriend.

I admit, I feel a little guilty about breaking up with Jackson, especially since his Mom was the one who orchestrated by new relationship.

Then I saw him naked, and all that guilt just fell off me like Devon's pants onto my bedroom floor.

I was only supposed to get him for a night, but then I asked him to stay, and he said, 'Yes.'

It's been Heaven ever since.

DEVON: Are we going to talk about how this ends?

We were lying in bed--in sheer bliss. The last thing I wanted to think about was this ending.

ME: I was thinking maybe I could move back to L.A. with you.
DEVON: Um, are we still playing that game?

Silence.

ME: Game?
DEVON: Yeah, that rich lady told me you wanted me to pretend that I was Devon Shaw, but now that the week is up--

WHAT?

ME: You're not Devon Shaw?
DEVON: No, that's just my signature. It's how I get all my work.

. . . . .

ME: What...work?
DEVON: Um, you know, chilling with dudes...

No, no, no, no--

DEVON: ...For cash.

I jumped out of bed. The first thought that ran through my head was--

Should I wash the sheets or just burn them?

ME: YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE A HOOKER!
DEVON: Escort.
ME: HOOKER!
DEVON: CLASSY HOOKER!
ME: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
DEVON: I figured you wanted to keep playing along. That lady paid for the first night, but since you wanted to keep going--
ME: Are you saying I owe you money?
DEVON: You owe me a LOT of money.
ME: Um, yeah, I don't think so. Get out.
DEVON: Dude, you don't want to do this. I need the money. I'm putting my girlfriend through school!
ME: OUT!

He took off promising to tell his "boss" what I'd done.

Looks like I was going to have to go on the run pretty soon. Once you piss off a pimp and murder your ex-boyfriend's mother, it's time to skip town.

The Tie on the Doorknob

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

JOEY'S VOICE: Oh God!!!

Before you tell me that it was insane to run into my roommate's bedroom--and by 'run into' I mean, bust the door down because it was shut and locked--remember that I just found out Adam Setter (a guy with a serious vengeance against Joey) was alive and well after disappearing when Joey pushed him off a building.

Keep all that in mind, when I tell you that I--

JOEY: Ahhh!
ADAM: Ahhh!
ME: Ewww!

--Walked in on my roommate and my former fling, Adam.

ME: What the hell is going on?
ADAM: Ritchie, look, I know you must be angry but you're seeing Carter now--
ME: What? Oh yeah, you, jealously, got it. Not the case. Now please leave.
ADAM: I'll leave if Joey wants me to leave.
ME: Joey?
JOEY: I'm only like a minute away from--
ME: Ooookay! My name is on the lease, so I'm pulling rank. Adam, you're out of here. Joey, I'll meet you in the bathroom where I'll be scrubbing down my corneas.

A few minutes later, Joey met me in the bathroom.

ME: Um, you're still naked.
JOEY: I thought this was important.
ME: Joey!
JOEY: You've seen me naked!
ME: And that seems to be an ever-expanding club.
JOEY: What's the big deal? It was just a hook-up.
ME: DEAD PEOPLE DON'T HOOK UP!

Joey smiled.

JOEY: That's the good news.
ME: What's the good news? They're doing a Buffy reunion?
JOEY: No, I'm telling everyone that I'm alive.
ME: What made you decide this?
JOEY: Well, I really like Adam and--
ME: You're kidding. This is all so you can have a boyfriend?
JOEY: Nooo...

Whenever he stretches it out like that, it means 'Yesss.'

ME: Well, it might interest you to know that the very dangerous club promoter who probably wants to kill you is now alive and dating Carter's ex-boyfriend, Liam. Still want to come out of the zombie closet?

Pause.

JOEY: Yesss...

That means 'No.'

Hopefully that'll be the end of any unexpected company.

The Sugar Falls Off

Hi, my name is Billy.

JEREMY: You're okay with all this, right?
ME: Of course I am. I'm a mature adult.

I want to murder my boyfriend.

He cast my ex and his as his love interest in his production of 'Angels in America.'

JEREMY: Good, because it's all business.
ME: Absolutely. Totally business.

Just like it'll be business when I get rid of Ben.

No way was he making it to opening night.

I wasn't even counting on him getting to the second rehearsal.

JEREMY: Okay everybody! Let's get started!

We were in the rehearsal hall ready to start. Jeremy hired a local grad student to direct the production, and we were only doing table work this first week.

I was sitting right across from Ben, and he kept shooting me smiles.

It made me want to turn the table over and throttle him...in more ways than one.

I've accepted the fact that I'm a young guy who isn't going to stop being attracted to people just because I'm dating someone I really care about, but I also don't plan on letting my genitals do all my thinking for me.

So although I may be slightly intrigued by Ben's offer to help supplement his non-sexual relationship with Nathan by becoming a third party, I'm letting my mind shoot the idea down--and figure out a way to ship Ben out of this show.

When we take our first break, I get my chance.

Ben meets me in the men's room--tacky, I know.

BEN: So have you given any thought to my offer?
ME: Was stabbing you with my eyes not a clear enough 'No?'
BEN: Billy, I know your eyes, and they've never said 'No' to me.
ME: Why don't you take a look at them now? I think they've got new instructions for you.

He took a step towards me.

ME: I was joking.
BEN: I'm not, and we're on a fifteen.
ME: Wow, with you, that means we could go fourteen times.
BEN: And they'd all be amazing.
ME: I'm not kidding. Back off.
BEN: Make me.

Damn--he knows I like aggression.

But what he doesn't know--

VOICE: I believe the gentleman said 'Back off.'

The door to one of the stalls opened, and Jeremy popped out.

Apparently, somebody had informed my boyfriend that Ben was hitting on me, and asked him to please hide in one of the stalls so he could hear it for himself.

Hmm...who could that be?

JEREMY: Ben, I cannot believe you. This a new low.
BEN: Jeremy, it's--I mean--
JEREMY: Just leave.
BEN: Fine. I'll see you back in the rehearsal hall.
JEREMY: No, you won't. I want you to leave the production.
BEN: You can't do that.
ME: He's the producer. He can do whatever he wants.
JEREMY: And I want you out now.

Ben looked really broken up. Could it be that not getting to sleep with me had destroyed him?

It's pretty damn possible.

After he left the men's room, Jeremy gave me a hug.

JEREMY: Thank you so much for telling me.
ME: Hey, we're a team. We tell each other everything, right?
JEREMY: Right. God, I can't believe he thought you were actually turned on by the idea of sleeping with him again.
ME: I know! What an ego.

Jeremy gave me a kiss on the cheek, and left.

I looked at myself in the mirror.

You know it's funny...

Whenever I do that, I'm never quite sure who I'm going to see.

Dealing with the Disabled

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JEREMY: Good job today, Nathan.
ME: Do I get a gold star?
JEREMY: Sorry, but I had to give that to Jackson. He went an entire day without a glass of wine.
ME: Poor bastard.

Jeremy had been coming over for a few weeks now, and we'd actually gotten really close.

ME: So is your Mom moving out?
JEREMY: Um, we kind of put that on the back burner.
ME: Are you all getting along now?
JEREMY: Oh yeah--we're thick as murderers.
ME: You mean thieves?
JEREMY: Yeah, that's what I meant.

Knock, knock.

BEN: Is he tap dancing yet?
JEREMY: Yup. I just taught him a number from No, No Nanette.
BEN: Fantastic.

Jeremy laughed, and gave me a hug.

It was...strange.

JEREMY: I'm going to get going. Keep up the good work, and I'll see you tomorrow.
BEN: You don't have to go. We could all watch a movie or something.
ME: YEAH!

They both looked at me.

ME: Uh, I like movies.

This was NOT happening.

JEREMY: Sorry, but I promised Billy we'd go out tonight. Maybe tomorrow?
ME: Sure. Of course. Have a good night.

Jeremy left. I wheeled myself to the door to see him out.

Once the door was shut, I could feel Ben's sleazy grin aiming at me.

BEN: You like him, don't you?
ME: Don't be ridiculous.
BEN: You do! You like Jeremy!
ME: So what if I do? You like him.
BEN: I used to like him.

He walked into the kitchen.

ME: What do you mean you used to like him?
BEN: Now I like Billy.
ME: Again?
BEN: That's right. I even proposed that he become our sexual surrogate.
ME: Did he laugh and then slap you or slap you then laugh?
BEN: I actually think he might be into it.

There we were--fake boyfriends standing in our kitchen realizing that we liked two guys who were seeing each other.

ME: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
BEN: I seduce Billy, he leaves Jeremy, and both of us end this fraud of a relationship.
ME: Wow, for once I actually think we're on the same level.
BEN: And you'd stop keeping me prisoner?
ME: As long as I'm not single, you can do whatever you want. Besides, Jeremy is three times the guy you'll ever be.
BEN: Nathan, I've seen him naked. Trust me--he's not.

I held out my hand.

ME: Do we have a deal? You break up Jeremy and Billy, and I break up with you in public thereby releasing you to go be with Billy.

We shook on it.

BEN: Deal.

I wheeled myself into my bedroom feeling pretty good.

As I stepped out of my wheelchair, I heard Ben laughing in the kitchen.

Did I miss something?

Liam's Revenge

Hi, my name is Carter.

ADAM: Hi, you're Carter, right?
ME: Maybe--do I owe you money?
ADAM: Um, no. I'm Adam. I go to school with you.
ME: Ohhhh, hey!

Tonight was my first night out in a long time. Now that I was single again--

RITCHIE: Hey Adam.
ADAM: Oh, hey Ritchie.

--Well, sort of single.

Ritchie and I were kinda seeing each other now, but it's weird because I don't really like him and I don't really think he likes me either. Plus, he seems to like spending a lot of time at home now.

ADAM: This place is lame.
RITCHIE: Yeah, Prisms is really only busy on Fridays and Saturdays.
ME: It's because of all the competition from that new club, Barada.
ADAM: Does Barada mean something?
RITCHIE: I think it means watered down drinks in Spanish.
ADAM: Ew, depressing. I wish there was a decent place to get drunk in Providence that didn't card.

Adam was starting to look really cute. Maybe it's because I reeeeeally didn't want to be there with Ritchie anymore, or maybe it was because I was drunk, or maybeeee--

VOICE: Hey Carter.

I thought maybe it was another one of my friends.

LIAM: Nice to see you.

But I was wrong.

ME: Oh, uh, hey Liam.

I freaked out a little at first, but then I remembered that Liam still thought it was his fault our relationship ended after he almost slept with Ritchie. He had no idea that I set up the whole thing up.

LIAM: I'm a little surprised to see you here with Ritchie.
RITCHIE: I'm a little surprised you're out on a school night.
ADAM: How old are you?
LIAM: Legal.
ADAM: Creepy.

Liam put his hand on my shoulder.

LIAM: Carter, I want to tell you something.
ME: It's okay, Liam. You don't have to apologize for almost cheating on me.
LIAM: I was actually going to say that you suck in bed and that you're a life parasite.
ME: Oh, well, I forgive you.
RITCHIE: Carter, were you--
LIAM: Don't bother, Ritchie. He never listens. Now I know why I wanted to stray. It's because sleeping with Carter is basically just watching him masturbate in front of a mirror.
ADAM: Ouch!

I was getting the impression he was saying I was bad in bed.

LIAM: Lucky for me, I have a new boyfriend who fulfills all my needs.
RITCHIE: Oh really? Where's this winner? Outside in a white van?
LIAM: No, he's at his new club--the one that's putting this place out of business.
ME: You mean Barada?
LIAM: Yup. I'm here to check out the competition, but now it just seems cruel.
RITCHIE: So who is the Mystery Man behind Barada?

Liam smiled--it scared me.

LIAM: I believe you guys know him. He used to be a big thing in Providence last year.
ADAM: Ohh, is it that Davis guy?
LIAM: God no.

And then he said--

LIAM: I'm dating Adam Setter.

I leaned and whispered to Ritchie.

ME: Isn't he supposed to be dead?
RITCHIE: 'Dead's become a really flexible term lately.

I wonder if Adam's forgiven me for almost getting him killed...

Family Business

Hi, my name is Jackson.

ME: What do you mean it was an accident?

My stepfather is lying dead on my living room floor.

JOAN: He attacked me!
ME: You look fine!
JOAN: With words, Jackson. He attacked me with words!

Judging from the blunt paper weight in her hand, I'd say words failed her.

The door to the apartment opened, and my siblings took in the scene.

JEREMY: Please tell me this is a game of charades.
ME: Yeah, Mom got 'homicide.' She gave a really good clue.
PAIGE: We have to call the police.
JOAN: No! I'll go to jail!
ME: Oooh, can I call? Can I call?

Mom shot me a look, and then looked over at the paperweight. Maybe now wasn't the best time to joke.

JOAN: We have to get rid of the body.
JEREMY: Mom, are you insane?
ME: You have to ask?
JOAN: Christopher dealt with a lot of very corrupt people. Nobody will be shocked to find him dead. We just have to make it look--suspicious.
ME: Luckily, dead bodies tend to be inherently suspicious.
PAIGE: I should call the boys to help us--
JOAN: No! This is family business.

I wonder if it's too late to put myself up for adoption.

We drove about an hour out of Providence into a wooded area. Jeremy and I took the body from the trunk and rolled it into a ditch.

The whole thing made me sick.

JOAN: I'm famished. Anybody want Chinese?

Mom's always had a stronger stomach for this kind of stuff.

Strange Occurrences

Hi, my name is Ben.

ME: Hello?
VOICE: Well, hello.

I just f**king died.

ME: Eli?
ELI: Straight from Cali, baby.
ME: You shouldn't be calling me.
ELI: Just wanted to hear about all the Providrama.
ME: Then you're out of luck. Everything's great.

I'm trying to seduce the boyfriend of the guy I love while carrying on my second fraudulent relationship with someone I inadvertently put in a wheelchair.

ME: Just great.
ELI: Yeah, well I hate to rain on your parade, but some of your old business is getting mixed up in my new deal, kid.
ME: What are you talking about?
ELI: Does the name Taylor ring a bell?

-- Flashback --

ME: I went to California.
NATHAN: We thought maybe Wilde--
ME: No, nothing like that.
NATHAN: Did something happen there?
ME: It was Taylor...
NATHAN: I knew that guy was bad news.
ME: He's dead.

-- End of Flashback --

ME: What about Taylor?
ELI: Um, he totally hit on me at Blueberry Hill last night.
ME: He--wait, what?

Knock, Knock.

ME: Eli, hang on a sec--
ELI: Don't have it, Ben. I'm heading out with Taylor now. Hope you don't mind me playing your ex-box.
ME: That image is horrifying, but I--

Knock, Knock.

ELI: Lata.
ME: Eli!

He hung up.

Taylor was dead--but then again, Eli was supposed to be too.

Nathan went wheeling by me to the door.

NATHAN: Didn't hear the knocking?
ME: I was on the phone.
NATHAN: With who?
ME: Just--someone from California.
NATHAN: I didn't realize you still had friends there.

Apparently one more than I thought I did.

Jeremy was at the door.

ME: Are you here to give me my script?
JEREMY: They're coming in next week.
ME: You mean you're illegally photocopying them?
JEREMY: Pretty much. I'm here for Nathan's physical therapy.
ME: You two are doing physical therapy?
NATHAN: Yup. Jeremy's been really helpful.
ME: Let me rephrase this--you two are spending time together and not killing each other?

Jeremy put his hands on Nathan's shoulders.

JEREMY: Ben, if I can get along with you. I can get along with anybody.

He and Nathan went into the bedroom while I tried to figure out which was weirder--

Taylor being alive or Jeremy and Nathan becoming friends.

What Money Can Buy

Hi, my name is Davis.

TRAVIS: Someone owes me a 'Thank you.'
ME: Did you finally get rid of that tie with the penguins?

I had just gotten out of the shower, and Travis was sitting in bed with a robe on looking pretty pleased with himself.

TRAVIS: Even better. I took care of that Skyler character.

Skyler had stolen money from me after kidnapping my best friend and wreaking havoc all over the place.

So of course, my first response was a smile.

But then--

ME: When you say 'took care of...'
TRAVIS: Let's just say the next time someone rakes the Mississippi River, they may find that the fish are extra fat this year.

I felt every drop of water on my body evaporate in that moment.

ME: Travis, what are you saying?
TRAVIS: I better not get into specifics. You never know when you may have to testify.
ME: You're kidding, right?
TRAVIS: Well, you were going to do it anyway. Now I just took the burden off you.
ME: I wasn't going to--do what you did--which I don't know you did because I don't want to know, but needless to say I wasn't going to do that!

Oh God, I'm sounding like Jeremy now. Is this what relationships with crazy rich men do to you?

Travis stood up and put his hands firmly on my shoulders.

TRAVIS: John, nobody takes advantage of the people I love. If they do, they pay for it. It's as simple as that.
ME: I only wanted my money back or I wanted him in jail. That was all.
TRAVIS: But you don't need money anymore. You have me.

Gulp.

TRAVIS: Now come hop in the shower with me.
ME: I already took a shower.
TRAVIS: Then you'll take another one. Let's go.

Some people may like that whole 'order me around' thing, but I'm not one of them.

Hitman or no hitman, Travis was on his way out.

A Casting Call

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

BEN: I'm here to audition.

I didn't see this coming.

ME: Paige, you didn't tell me Ben was auditioning.
PAIGE: I thought it would be more fun to see your face when he walked in--and it was.
ME: Can you wait outside, please?
PAIGE: Are you two going to fight?
ME: No, I'm going to ask him to replace you as my stage manager.
PAIGE: Hahaha--you're kidding, right?
ME: Out--now.

I had rented a rehearsal/performance space in an arts village on the outskirts of Providence. I had meant to do it over the summer at OSC, but things got too hectic.

That turned out to be a blessing since now the whole thing seemed so...professional.

Now that it was clear my production of "Angels in America" was really going to happen, all sorts of people seemed to be coming out of the woodwork.

Case in point, the people auditioning for me today--

HANK: Hi, my name is Hank.
ME: Hank, I know who you are.
HANK: I'm trying to be professional, Jeremy!
ME: Okay, sorry. I respect that. What role are you auditioning for?
HANK: I have to audition? I thought you were just giving me something.
ME: Um...

. . . . .

CARTER: Hi, my name is Carter. I'm black.
ME: Carter, I know you're black.
CARTER: I just thought it was worth mentioning.
ME: You thought it was worth mentioning because there's a black character in the show and you're assuming that you're the only black guy auditioning?
CARTER: Jeremeeeee, I don't need to rely on the race card just to get a role.
ME: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have suggested otherwise.
CARTER: No other black guy showed up though, right?

. . . . .

HANK: Are you not going to give me a role because I broke up with your brother?
ME: Actually, that would probably help your chances of getting a role.

. . . . .

DAVIS: Hey.
ME: Davis? You're auditioning?
DAVIS: Absolutely not. I was just wondering how long you're going to be here. I want to go out tonight and Travis' is seizing a corporation in Japan.
ME: It might be a pretty late night.
DAVIS: Why? Having a hard time finding someone to play the Team Captain?
ME: Davis, are you thinking of "Angels in the Outfield?"
DAVIS: What else would I be thinking of?
ME: "Angels in"--yeah, never mind.

. . . . .

CARTER: So I can't play Beleeeze?
ME: I'll let you play Beleeze if you can explain the underlying themes of the play.
CARTER: Um...all gays go to Heaven?
ME: Don't call us, and we'll do the same.
CARTER: Us? But there's only one of you.
ME: NEXT!

. . . . .

Now Ben was standing in front of me.

Considering our mistake aka relationship ended when he suggested that I wasn't fit to play a role in "Angels in America," I was more than a little surprised to see him show up at the auditions.

ME: Here to remind me that I don't belong playing Joe?
BEN: Yes.
ME: Are you kidding me?
BEN: Look, Jeremy, you'd make a great Louis, but you're not a Joe.
ME: Luckily there's this thing called acting--
BEN: Jeremy--
ME: And I thought you wanted to be Louis.
BEN: Now, I think I should be Joe.
ME: Shocker.

He walked behind the table I was sitting at and took Paige's chair.

ME: You have walked behind the table, sir. Totally unprofessional.
BEN: I want to play Joe. I understand him.
ME: Then you can audition like everybody else.
BEN: Fine, I will, but you know I'd be great in that role.
ME: Even if you were, I'm not right for Louis.
BEN: Intelligent, talks a lot, bails on his lover--
ME: What lover have I ever bailed on?
BEN: Okay, so maybe that aspect is more like me--

I got up from the table.

ME: I'm taking a break.
BEN: Let me read for Joe.
ME: You really think we can work together?
BEN: Yes, I do. I think we'd work great together.
ME: You realize that we'd have to kiss?
BEN: Unless Billy's playing Prior, I don't see how that'd be a problem.

Silence.

BEN: Shut the--
ME: He did a good reading of it.
BEN: He'd be a TERRIBLE Prior!
ME: Criticize it after you see it--from the audience!
BEN: I'm reading for that role!
ME: Read for it then but YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT!
BEN: FAIR ENOUGH!

So he read for it. Then he left.

Paige came back with her clipboard.

PAIGE: I heard you two screaming. What happened?
ME: I just found my Joe.

Wait until I have to tell my boyfriend, that his boyfriend is playing his ex-boyfriend who leaves him for his ex-boyfriend.

That shouldn't be too complicated.

The Switch

Hi, my name is Adam.

JOEY: Oh, hey.
ME: Hey.

I'm about to switch things up.

Ritchie hadn't called me since I spent the night at his apartment, and to me, that meant I was free to move in on his roommate.

PAIGE: Adam, Ritchie doesn't have a roommate.

I'd already discussed my plan with Paige over lunch at the dining hall.

ME: Yeah, he does. Some guy was there when I stayed over.
PAIGE: Ooooh, maybe he has a secret boyfriend.
ME: A secret boyfriend who wouldn't be upset that we were in the shower together?
PAIGE: I should post this on the blog.
ME: Are you still writing that stupid Wilde--

She clamped her hand down over my mouth.

PAIGE: Nobody is supposed to know about that!

I moved her hand away.

ME: What was that post about somebody dead coming back to life?
PAIGE: Oh, that was just about Davis. He's going to get back into club promoting apparently.
ME: I kinda want to make out with this Davis guy. He seems unattainable.
PAIGE: Apparently he's dating a total crazy.
ME: I'll wait it out.

In the meantime, I had to figure out how to get in Ritchie's shower--this time with Joey.

JOEY: If you're looking for Ritchie--
ME: He's watching a movie with Jeremy, I know. I, uh--

-- A Half Hour Earlier --

JEREMY: Adam, you're welcome to stay and watch the movie with us when Ritchie gets here.
BILLY: Yeah, you were the one that suggested a movie night.
ME: No thanks. I forgot I have a lot of studying to do.

-- A Half Hour Later --

ME: --I saw it on his Facebook.
JOEY: So what did you come over for then?
ME: I just...wanted to...make a new friend.

I could see he wasn't buying it.

I tried another tact.

ME: How come none of Ritchie's friends have ever mentioned you?
JOEY: Uh, what do you mean?
ME: Jeremy, Billy, Jackson--none of them have ever brought you up. Do they not know that you and Ritchie are living together?
JOEY: No, actually, they don't. So if you could keep that to yourself, that would be great.
ME: Yeah, sure.

He smiled. For some reason, he looked really relieved. Maybe he and Ritchie were secret boyfriends with some weird open sex policy.

ME: I guess I can go now.
JOEY: Well...you don't have to go right away.
ME: You sure?
JOEY: Yeah, I don't get to hang out with people too much. I'm always really...tired. Dead tired.
ME: Oh.
JOEY: But if you have studying to do or something--
ME: No, it's cool. I can hang out.

Twenty minutes later, I was back in the shower.

I guess it's my sweet spot.

A Dream Come True

Hi, my name is Hank.

JOAN: Hello darling.

This is why you always need to carry holy water on you.

Joan, my boyfriend's mother/live-in-dark force, had decided to pop by my apartment.

ME: Hello Joan, can I help you?
JOAN: I brought you a little present.

She walked over to my television, and popped something into the DVD player.

JOAN: Recognize this?

'Silent Hearts' began--one of the best movies ever.

ME: Yes, Joan, but I'm really not in the mood for a movie night.
JOAN: I just wanted to make sure you're familiar with Mr. Shaw.
ME: Devon Shaw? Yes, I'm very familiar. He's a movie star, Joan.
JOAN: More like a television star who dabbles in movies.
ME: Okay, sure. Now, if you don't mind--
JOAN: How would you like to have sex with him?

Okay, the bitch officially bit through her leash.

ME: Joan, do I need to call someone? Someone with meds perhaps?
JOAN: It just so happens the Shaw's are dear family friends. Devon is in town shooting a movie. Maybe you've heard?

Actually, I did hear, but I wasn't buying any of this.

ME: Joan, you don't actually expect me to believe--
JOAN: Leave Jackson, and you can have Devon for a night.
ME: That's insane.
JOAN: Hank, it's every gay boy's dream. Devon is the most high-profile out guy in Hollywood.

Somebody's been reading the Advocate.

Knock, Knock.

Joan smiled and went to the door.

She opened it--and there he was.

DEVON: Hey Joan, this is where you wanted to meet, right?

I felt my heart turn into pudding.

Devon Shaw was standing in my apartment.

JOAN: You know, Devon, I can't tell if I feel like going out or not. Maybe you and Hank should just go out.

She came up to me, and kissed the side of my face playfully.

That was when she whispered--

JOAN: Call Jackson or I'm going to end this dream date.
ME: Excuse me for a minute.

I ran into my bedroom. I didn't want to do this to Jackson, but it's not like we had some great love going anyway, and--

JACKSON: Hi, it's Jackson. Leave a message.
ME: Jackson. We're over. Sorry.

Click.

JACKSON: Hi, it's Jackson. Leave a message.
ME: Me again. That was Hank. Breaking up with you. Sorry. Bye!

I came back into the living room.

DEVON: We ready to go?
JOAN: I don't know, Hank, are we?
ME: Actually Joan, I think you should go home. You might need to console your son. I heard he got some bad news.

Joan smiled.

I may have just made a deal with the devil, but it was one good-looking deal.

Don't Fall in Love with a Ghost

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

JOEY: Hey Ritchie.

You know, at first it was a little annoying not to be living alone anymore.

JOEY: I made dinner.

But my roommate has sort of--

ME: Oh, you're so sweet.

--Grown on me.

JOEY: So what did you do tonight?
ME: Slept with Carter again.
JOEY: How was that?
ME: Eh, my heart's not really in it anymore.
JOEY: That's because you love a challenge.
ME: Please, Carter was never a challenge. Carter wasn't even a word jumble.

We sat down for dinner. Joey even lit a few candles.

ME: So are we ever going to tell people that you're alive?
JOEY: I'm just waiting for the right time.
ME: I guess we could always wait until Easter.

Joey's eyes got a little teary.

ME: Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get you upset.
JOEY: It would just be a lot easier to do it if I had someone with me.
ME: You do. You have me.
JOEY: That's sweet, Ritchie.

He leaned across the table and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

JOEY: I forgot to bring out the bread.

The bread was what sold me.

I was falling in love with my dead roommate.

Isn't this when Grey's Anatomy jumped the shark?

The Letter from New York

Hi, my name is Billy.

WILDE BLOG: Looks like one of our CBQ's may be defecting to the Big A.

My boyfriend may be leaving me.

WILDE BLOG: The Wilde Blog has obtained a letter from a prestigious theater company in New York offering one of the nicest kids in town a chance to head to the big city.

I knew this wouldn't last.

Jeremy got a letter from New York asking him to come be the literary intern at Present Company, an Off-Broadway theater.

Luckily, I intercepted the letter before he could see it.

I was sitting in his room reading it when he showed up.

JEREMY: Hey mister.
ME: Hey.
JEREMY: Didn't you have class?
ME: It got cancelled.
JEREMY: Great. If you give me a second to change, we can have lunch.
ME: Sounds good.

He started to grab a change of clothes from his closet.

ME: Hey--do you ever miss New York?
JEREMY: That's a funny question.
ME: I was just wondering.
JEREMY: Well, it was exciting, but...
ME: But?

He turned to me, kissed me, and said--

JEREMY: It didn't have you.

Relief washed over me.

ME: So if you got the chance to go back, you wouldn't?

He looked a little confused.

JEREMY: I don't know. I guess it would depend on why I'd be going back.
ME: What if it was a really great opportunity to work at a great theater...or something?

A second went by, then--

JEREMY: I guess then I'd have to go.
ME: But what about us?
JEREMY: This is all hypothetical anyway.
ME: Yeah, but I don't like knowing that you would bail on me for--
JEREMY: Were you bailing on me when you went to Florida?
ME: That was different.
JEREMY: How was it different?

He was right.

ME: You're right. I'm sorry.
JEREMY: It's okay. I understand you being worried about me hanging around, but trust me, I'm not going anywhere. Random great job offers don't happen that often.

Jeremy left the room to go grab another sweater from Jackson's room.

That was when I tore up the letter, and shoved it into my pocket.

Great offers don't come along everyday, but neither do great boyfriends.

I wasn't about to let Jeremy go just yet.

Rehab

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JEREMY: Surprise.

There should be a word for a surprise that you don't want.

ME: Are you selling encyclopedia?
JEREMY: Um, no.
ME: Then why are you here?

If it wasn't for the fact that I dislike Jeremy due to past history and Ben, my nominal boyfriend, being in love with him--I actually wouldn't mind the company.

It was a Saturday night and Ben was out at a movie with some girlfriends.

I was going a little stir crazy, but when you're pretending to be disabled, you can't really hit the town and dance your ass off like you used to in the good old days of a few months ago.

...Yes, I've been drinking...

JEREMY: Can I come in?
ME: I'd rather you threw yourself out a window.
JEREMY: Nathan, I know we haven't always been friends--
ME: We've never been friends.
JEREMY: Fine, never, we've NEVER been friends. That being said, I want to help you.
ME: Help?
JEREMY: Ben said you're having trouble getting a physical therapist you like.

It's more like I can't find a physical therapist I can bribe.

ME: Yeah, and?
JEREMY: I used to have to do physical therapy with my Dad before he died.
ME: I didn't know your Dad was dead.
JEREMY: I don't really like to talk about it.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't let Jeremy help, but--

JEREMY: So let's get started.
ME: Now?
JEREMY: Yeah, why not?
ME: Um...I...Jeremy, it's pointless. I'm not going to walk again.

That's good. Go with despair.

JEREMY: Ben said your doctors said that you could regain feeling in your legs with some hard work.
ME: Yeah, I mean, if you want to talk about miracles--

Jeremy got down on his knees and looked me right in the eyes.

JEREMY: Nathan, I think we've been mean to each other for too long. I think we've all been awful, including me. Now here you are, and you need a friend. Why don't we let this be an opportunity to patch things up?
ME: Or you could just get me drunk.

Jeremy laughed.

JEREMY: Tell you what. Do some exercises with me, and then I'll take you out somewhere. I know all the best handicapped accessible restaurants, and the night is still young.

The offer was too good to pass up.

ME: Fine, but just don't be fooled if my legs feel like they're in good shape.
JEREMY: I promise, I won't push you. We'll go at your pace. Only do what you can do.

Right now all I wanted to do was run.

But admittedly, it was a little bit nice not to be alone.

Leave It to Ritchie

Hi, my name is Carter.

RITCHIE: Carter! What are you doing home?

My friend Ritchie just betrayed me.

LIAM: It's not what it looks like.

Thank God.

I came home to find Ritchie and Liam half-naked on my couch making out.

RITCHIE: I just came over to give you that sheet music you wanted, and Liam let me in.
LIAM: He's wearing cologne. You know cologne makes me make out with people!

I think this is what they mean when they say blessing in disguise.

ME: Liam, you have to leave.
LIAM: Carter, please--
ME: You're a cheater. I can't live with a cheater.
RITCHIE: Yeah, for him, it's like having another mirror in the house.
ME: Shut up, Ritchie!

Liam put his shirt on and slapped me across the face.

ME: Ow! What was that for? You're the one that was making out with my friend!
LIAM: That's for not being sexually liberated.

He walked out.

I started to giggle.

RITCHIE: How did I do?
ME: Oh my God! So good.
RITCHIE: I can't believe you made me kiss that little moron.
ME: It was the only way I could get him out!
RITCHIE: Now I believe we come to your part of the agreement.
ME: You want to right now?
RITCHIE: Why not? I'm already undressed.

I took off my pants.

Only single for five seconds, and already I was back to sleeping around...

It feels good to be home.

The Stepfather

Hi, my name is Jackson.

PAIGE: Bad news.
ME: Did you double book your bed again tonight, Paige.
PAIGE: No, Chris is here.

She was referring to our stepfather.

The one who wants to kill me.

I knew I shouldn't have let Mom stay so long. She's like a magnet for crazy people.

ME: Where is he?
PAIGE: In the living room.
ME: Is he packing?
PAIGE: When is he not?
ME: Where's Mom?
PAIGE: She crawled out the fire escape leaving her children to die by her husband's hand.

Am I surprised?

Not at all.

ME: Text Jeremy and tell him not to come home. Then you go out the fire escape.
PAIGE: I can't leave you here!
ME: Paige, listen to me, if I die--someone has to kill Mom.
PAIGE: Good point.

I went into the living room to see Chris sitting on the couch.

CHRIS: Hello son.
ME: Hey Pop, how you been?
CHRIS: Real good. Finally beat that double homicide rap.

Damn the American Justice System.

CHRIS: Where's your Mom?
ME: She bailed. I'm sure if you threw yourself out the window you could still land on her.
CHRIS: Still got that smart mouth.
ME: You bet.
CHRIS: Question is: do you have my money?

I had given my mother drugs so that she would be in the right frame of mind to supply the funds I needed for my fantastic lifestyle.

It just so happened that money belonged to Chris.

ME: That money's long gone, Chris.
CHRIS: That's not exactly what I wanted to hear.

He got up and before I knew it, he was grabbing the back of my neck.

CHRIS: I guess I'm going to have to--
VOICE: Hi Chris.

We both spun around to see Jeremy standing there with Hank and Billy.

JEREMY: Have you met our boyfriends?
CHRIS: I could care less what you little fags do. All I care about is retribution.
JEREMY: It was just money. We're family, aren't we?
CHRIS: Considering this--

He held out a piece of paper, and let it fall to the floor.

CHRIS: I'd say money just moved up.

I picked it up.

Divorce papers.

Chris was divorcing Mom.

Part of me was happy, then the other part of me informed the first part that the divorce meant I was now eligible to be thrown into the nearest river by my former stepfather.

JEREMY: Sad to see you go, Chris.
CHRIS: I doubt that.
JEREMY: Then you doubt right.
BILLY: It was nice to meet you, but you should head out now.
HANK: We already called the police.
CHRIS: You're lying.

That was when we heard sirens.

ME: Guess it's time to head out, Chris.

He looked around, then smiled at me.

CHRIS: This isn't over, Jackson.

Isn't that what all the bad guys say?

The Other Trick

Hi, my name is Ben.

BILLY: Can I help you?

I'm seducing Billy...again.

BILLY: Tell me you're not here to seduce me.

Except this time it's not because I want him.

ME: I'm not actually, but I wouldn't mind chatting for a second.

I want his boyfriend.

BILLY: I'm only letting you in out of curiosity.

I won't even touch that one.

I walked into Jeremy's apartment. It seemed quiet.

Excellent.

ME: Where's Jeremy?
BILLY: He's at Davis' having a movie night. Jackson is at Hank's. Paige is God knows where.
ME: And it's cool for you to be here by yourself?
BILLY: Yeah, why wouldn't it be?
ME: You don't really live here.
BILLY: Nobody seems to mind.

I was going to have to act fast. If he was already comfortable enough to hang around the apartment by himself, things were already too serious.

ME: So how are things between you two?
BILLY: They're great. Why are you here?

Since I knew going after Jeremy would be too obvious--both to him and my cross to bear, Nathan--I was going to have to end Jeremy's relationship by going after Billy.

Thank God none of us are straight--otherwise this wouldn't even be an option.

ME: I would like to have a sexual relationship with you.

Here goes nothing.

BILLY: I'm sorry?
ME: Nathan can no longer--Well, he can, but he--it's tricky.
BILLY: So you want me to be your sexual surrogate?
ME: Sort of. I mean, we're already familiar--
BILLY: I am not a restaurant you went to a few times, Ben. I am not Applebee's!
ME: True, but I have needs, Billy.
BILLY: Then find someone else to fill them! Because I am with Jeremy now. And even if I wasn't, your suggestion--

That was when I grabbed by the back of the neck.

BILLY: What are you doing?
ME: You may have won Jeremy over by flashing your shiny halo at him, but I know the real you. I know the boy who likes to bad.
BILLY: You don't know anything.
ME: Oh yeah? Then why haven't you pulled away yet?

I might have had him had the door to the apartment not started to open. Billy pushed me away, and Jackson and Hank walked into the room.

JACKSON: Well what do we have here? Entertaining Billy?
HANK: Who's watching Nathan, Ben?
ME: I got him a baby-sitter. Nice girl from across the street.
BILLY: Ben stopped by to ask me a favor. I said 'No.' Now he's leaving.
JACKSON: What was the favor?

Billy looked at me. If he told them what it was, it would mean he was through with his nasty streak, and I'd be screwed.

If he didn't, it meant--

BILLY: He wanted something I used to have that I don't have anymore.

We're in business.

The Reason to Stay

Hi, my name is Davis.

JEREMY: So technically I'm not allowed to be here?
ME: No, you're DEFINITELY not allowed to be here.

Jeremy came over to watch a movie at my place. Travis, my boyfriend, wants me to stop hanging out with the CBQ's, but I think Jeremy should be an exception since he's not nearly as catty or bitchy as the other gays...or me, for that matter.

JEREMY: I'm confused.
ME: Hey, you're the one who wanted to rent a David Lynch movie.
JEREMY: I was referring to you and Travis. Are you actually happy with him?
ME: I'm never happy with anyone. Only mildly amused.
JEREMY: So why is he still around?

I decided to show Jeremy my reason to stay.

Sitting on my coffee table was a phone number. I handed it to Jeremy.

JEREMY: Is this the other guy you call when Travis is out of town?
ME: No, that's Skyler's number.

Jeremy immediately hit the Pause button on the remote control.

JEREMY: Skyler? The kidnapper?
ME: More importantly, the money stealer.
JEREMY: I'm so glad that's the part you remember.
ME: I'm upset that he kidnap you. But you're back and safe, and my money is still being held hostage.

Jeremy took the number and stood up.

ME: Don't go too far with that.
JEREMY: Davis, what are you going to do?
ME: I'm going to call and see if he wants to go out for pizza.
JEREMY: What does that number have to do with Travis?
ME: Travis tracked down Skyler.
JEREMY: How?
ME: I don't know. He's rich. Rich people make things happen. I should know, I used to be one of them.
JEREMY: So what are you going to do?
ME: With the number you mean? I already did it.
JEREMY: Did what?
ME: Called him.

It was a sweet slice of pie, let me tell you.

VOICEMAIL: Hi, leave a message.
ME: Hi Skyler, this is Davis. Look behind you. Keep looking. Pretty soon I'll be there when you turn around. Later.

Beep

Told you. Pie, right?

Jeremy looked really upset. Not the reaction I was expecting.

JEREMY: Davis, please leave this alone.
ME: Jeremy, the guy conned us and almost killed you!
JEREMY: And now he's gone. Let's just let him be gone, okay?
ME: Not okay. Because of him I have to have a sugar daddy or I'd be eating mac and cheese in my parents' basement!

I got up and went into the kitchen. I was already done with this conversation.

Jeremy followed me.

JEREMY: So what's the plan?
ME: What do you care?
JEREMY: I care about you.
ME: Then stay out of my way.
JEREMY: Hey!

He stepped in front of me.

JEREMY: You don't talk that way to me. I'm not some guy you know.
ME: You don't know what it's like to have your entire life taken away from you. That's what Skyler did to me. And I'm going to get it back--with interest.
JEREMY: He's dangerous.
ME: Not as dangerous as me.
JEREMY: You or Travis?
ME: Travis is just the facilitator. Once I get my money back, he's gone.
JEREMY: And what if Skyler spent the money?
ME: Then there's going to be one more hooker downtown until he earns it back for me.
JEREMY: You're kidding.
ME: You think.

I went back into the living room and sat down on the couch. Jeremy was still standing in the kitchen doorway looking nervous.

Poor kid.

He worries too much.

The Producer

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

ME: I have a proposition.
RITCHIE: Jeremy, you have a boyfriend now.
ME: Not THAT kind of a proposition.
RITCHIE: Oh, sorry. Carry on.

I had gathered all of the boys together at the Cheesecake Factory to talk to them about my idea.

ME: Over the summer, I've been thinking a lot about producing a show.
CARTER: By yourself?
ME: Well, help would be appreciated. That's why I've asked you all here.
HANK: I thought we were going to talk about our feelings?
CARTER: I feel confused.
HANK: Fascinating stuff, Carter.

Billy raised his hand.

ME: Yes, cutie?
DAVIS: Gag me.
RITCHIE: Buy my dinner first.
ME: Billy has the coconut...pie...slice.
BILLY: Thanks. I was wondering what show you want to do?
JACKSON: Judging by how he's been acting lately, probably Billy the Musical.
CARTER: Billy Elliot?
ME: I want to do Angels in America.

There was a silence.

DAVIS: Isn't that a little...
RITCHIE: Insane?
DAVIS: I was going to say 'ambitious,' but 'insane' has a nice ring to it.

I knew this was coming.

ME: I can do a stripped down production. Very minimal.
HANK: You mean cheap?
ME: I mean artistic.
ALL: Cheap.
ME: So none of you are going to support me.
BILLY: I'll support you, babe.
ME: Thank you.
BILLY: I get to play Prior, right?

And another theatrical adventure begins...

Meet Adam

Hi, my name is Adam.

PAIGE: Don't you--
ME: Stop!

This is my best friend, Paige.

ME: You are a plane crashing into a train falling into the ocean.
PAIGE: I only sang two words.
ME: I needed you to stop at word one.

I'm helping her with her song for class tomorrow using support and encouragement.

PAIGE: What do you suggest I do?
ME: End your life?

I'm rather honest.

Knock, knock.

JEREMY: Paige?
PAIGE: Jeremy, I'm practicing.
JEREMY: Sorry, but I think Mom might have attempted suicide again.
PAIGE: Don't worry. I replaced all her pills with Flintstone vitamins.
JEREMY: Okay then, carry on.
ME: Aren't you going to say hi?
JEREMY: I'm sorry, who are you?

Paige laughed.

PAIGE: Adam, you met Jackson last time. This is Jeremy.
JEREMY: You didn't tell him you had twin brothers.
PAIGE: Ew, no. People get creeped out by that.

I was little creeped out--not gonna lie.

JEREMY: I'm Jeremy.
ME: I'm Adam.
JEREMY: You're not going too hard on my sister, are you?
ME: Not at all.
JEREMY: Haha, good. Nice to meet you.

He walked off.

ME: Alright, Paige. Try not to suck this time.

Paige flopped down on her bed.

PAIGE: I'm bored. Want to go out?
ME: I'm not in the mood.
PAIGE: I'll drive and buy you pancakes afterwards.
ME: I'll get my coat.

We head off to Prisms for karaoke night. Once we were there, I started getting hit on by this hot guy.

ME: Coming out tonight? Great idea.
PAIGE: I know that guy you were talking to.
ME: Is his name Adam's Future Husband?
PAIGE: No, it's Ritchie. He's my brother's friend.
ME: Is he nice?
PAIGE: None of my brother's friends are nice.
ME: Whatev's. He's cute.

Ritchie came over and asked me if I needed a ride home.

PAIGE: Actually, your stuff is still at my house so--
ME: Burn it. Later.
PAIGE: Bye.

When we got back to Ritchie's place, he asked if he could take a shower.

Coincidentally, I also needed a shower.

There we were--making out, shampooing, trying to make sure we both got equal amounts of water.

Then--

VOICE: Ritchie, did you get soda before--Oh my God!
RITCHIE: Joey!
JOEY: Sorry! So sorry!

His roommate had wandered into the bathroom, but ran back out again.

RITCHIE: Sorry that was roommate.
ME: Oh, it's totally okay.

Actually, it was more than okay.

His roommate was really cute.

I made a mental note to remember his name.

And to ask Paige about him.

Hank Gets a Visit

Hi, my name is Hank.

JOAN: Hello Hank.

This bitch scares the s**t out of me.

JOAN: May I come in?
ME: Sure. I haven't hung that crucifix yet, so you should be alright.

Joan is my boyfriend's Mom. Jackson warned me about being around her without him there to supervise, but he was going to be coming over in a--

JOAN: Jackson's not coming.

F**k me.

ME: Is something wrong?
JOAN: Yes, somebody slashed his tires.

That was when I noticed the knife sticking out of her purse.

ME: I'm sure it was a random thug who has since disappeared forever.

Joan smiled. Her smile in some way resembles a wolf devouring a deer.

JOAN: I'd like to have a private conversation with you, Hank.
ME: Joan, if this is about Jackson, I don't think I should be talking to you.
JOAN: Oh, but it's not about Jackson. It's about you.
ME: Me?
JOAN: Yes, Hank. I'd like you to stop seeing my son.

I was a little surprised. Joan didn't seem like the type of mother who cares about who her son dates. She seems to care more about who Christina's dating on Grey's Anatomy.

ME: If you think I'm bad for him--
JOAN: It's not personal, Hank. It's just that I think he and I have the relationship we have because we don't get to spend enough time together.
ME: I thought you had the relationship you had because of the restraining order?
JOAN: Common misconception.
ME: So what is it you want me to do?
JOAN: Hold off on this whole dating thing for awhile. He needs to focus on himself.
ME: And you?
JOAN: Hank, I'm his mother. He needs me.
ME: I think he just needs you to leave him alone.

I went to the door and opened it.

JOAN: Hank, I'm asking nicely, because you seem like a nice boy. And I'd like to continue being nice to you.

Every time she said 'nice,' I saw her hand form a claw.

ME: You don't have to be nice to me. After today I don't plan on being nice to you.
JOAN: So you're going to keep seeing Jackson?
ME: Yup. And I plan on telling him that you ordered me to back off.
JOAN: Oh, don't bother.

She walked past me.

JOAN: I'll tell him myself.

She walked away and I shut the door.

That was when I remembered the second thing Jackson told me--

Don't be alone with Joan, and don't become her enemy.

Ritchie and the Ghost

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ME: Hi honey, I'm home.

I have a dead roommate.

JOEY: I made cookies.
ME: For dinner?
JOEY: No, just cause.
ME: Maybe I need to explain dinner to you.
JOEY: I also bought liquor.
ME: Never mind. That can be dinner.

Joey has been living here all summer trying to keep a low profile--you know, since most of our friends think he was poisoned and died in an IHOP.

ME: So are we ever planning on telling anyone that you're okay?
JOEY: I can't now! Everyone will hate me for pretending to be dead.
ME: Oh, come on! People do it on One Life to Live all the time.

Joey knew somebody was after him, so he faked his own death, and paid an intern in a lab coat twenty bucks to announce his death to all of us in the hospital.

He gave his family a heads up, and that was it.

Once all the craziness was over, he decided to pop by my apartment and announce that he was okay.

I took it pretty well.

JOEY: My arm still hurts where you punched me.

Okay, maybe not THAT well.

ME: Well eventually you're going to have to come out. At least this time, you won't be drunk and fifteen.
JOEY: Good point.

He went back into the kitchen. I went into my room to check the Wilde Blog. Now that it was being run by someone new, it had gotten a lot more clever.

WILDE BLOG: BREAKING DEVELOPMENT! The dead may be rising here in Providence. Somebody we all presumed to be singing with the angels in Heaven may actually be back with us sinners down here on Earth. Deets to come.

I felt my mouth drop.

JOEY: Ritchie, do you want a cookie?
ME: No, sweetheart. Tonight I think we're going to need to start with the vodka.

And I was going to need to find out who the new Wilde is.

Billy's Boyfriend

Hi, my name is Billy.

JEREMY: Hey boyfriend.

I think I know why people have a hard time staying in relationships.

ME: Are you going to call me that forever?
JEREMY: Nope. One day we'll be eighty and you'll be affectionately known as 'Old Boyfriend.'
ME: Cute.
JEREMY: I try.

He is cute. And he's my boyfriend.

And I'm terrified.

Because of television.

JEREMY: I'm going to go check on the quiche.
ME: I didn't know you knew how to make quiche.
JEREMY: Well, if it turns out poorly it's an omelet.
ME: Deal.

We're hanging out at his apartment in his bedroom.

I think he wants tonight to be the night that...things...happen.

JEREMY: So do you want to watch a movie or something?
ME: We could just watch television.

Television--the devil.

And why?

Because television shows always tend to tank once the two characters everybody wants to see become a couple actually become a couple.

No wonder we all have such a hard time maintaining relationships.

We're taught to lose interest after the first kiss.

We love the romance but not the relationship.

We--

JEREMY: Billy?

I was zoning out.

ME: Sorry.
JEREMY: It's--
ME: I don't want to have sex!
JEREMY: Wow, I didn't realize quiche was such a turn-off.

I sat down on his bed.

ME: I just feel like there's all this build-up and--
JEREMY: You're scared we won't live up to the hype?
ME: Aren't you?

Jeremy sat down next to me.

JEREMY: Billy, I waited two years just to be able to call you my boyfriend. I could care less when we have sex.
ME: So you don't want to either?
JEREMY: Oh no, don't get me wrong. I really, really want to.
ME: Haha--
JEREMY: I mean, I really, really, really--

See? He's cute.

But what if we fizzle out?

I fell back on the bed.

ME: I'm afraid we're going to become boring.
JEREMY: Well, a life of celibacy tends to do that to people.
ME: I'm serious!
JEREMY: Who cares if we're interesting?

He kissed me lightly on the lips.

JEREMY: This is the first time in my life where I have never wanted to be anywhere other than where I am.
ME: Jeremy, you spent all this time putting me up on a pedestal. What if I don't live up to that?
JEREMY: Then I'll just dump you and start dating a twenty-two year old girl named Candy.

I hit him, but he grabbed my arm, so I had to swing my legs around and trap him that way.

JEREMY: Ahhh Little Shop of Horrors!
ME: SUBMIT!
JEREMY: NEVER!

We ended up rolling off the bed still locked up like a giant human pretzel.

That's when we saw Jackson in the doorway.

JACKSON: I see the tantric sex is starting already.

Jeremy managed to stand up.

JEREMY: I need to remember to get a lock.
JACKSON: Don't bother. Paige, Mom, and I are going looking for apartments.
VOICE: JACKSON! LET'S GO! I WANT TO LOOK AT THAT PLACE WITH THE HOT TUB!
JACKSON: If she tries it out in front of me, I'll probably throw up in it.
JEREMY: Just put a security deposit down first.

He shut the door. I hopped back up on the bed.

JEREMY: I think the quiche is done.
ME: Would it be okay if we let it turn into an omelet?
JEREMY: Sure, but--

I pulled him onto the bed, and kissed him.

ME: A really burnt omelet.

He laughed, and I started to take off his shirt.

I didn't know if we'd be able to keep our momentum going, but I was sure willing to give it a try.

Nathan's Big Secret

Hi, my name is Nathan.

HANK: How you doing, slugger?

I'm in a wheelchair.

ME: I've been better.

Notice how I didn't say "I'm disable." Only that I'm in a wheelchair.

RITCHIE: Ben must feel so guilty that he was driving the car when the accident happened.
ME: Oh, he feels guilty all right.

After our car crashed into the tree, I couldn't feel my legs. I was in the hospital for a month before they let me out.

I did rehabilitation for another month and then--

HANK: Just don't lose hope. You might walk again.

--A miracle happened.

VOICE: Okay, guys.

Ben popped his head into my bedroom. Ritchie and Hank had been visiting me.

BEN: Time for Nathan to get some rest.
ME: I'm not an invalid, Ben.
BEN: Hey, who's the boyfriend here?
RITCHIE: He's right. We'll go.
HANK: I'll come see you tomorrow.
ME: Thanks.

They left the room. Ben came back a minute later.

BEN: Ready for lights out?
ME: Are you going to sleep in bed with me tonight?
BEN: That's not part of the deal.
ME: The deal can change.
BEN: Not on my watch it can't.
ME: You know, this would be a lot simpler if you just accepted that we're going to be together for a very long time.
BEN: Or until one of us dies. Goodnight.

He hit the light, and shut the door.

That was when I stood up out of the chair, and stretched--which felt amazing.

So I guess your question might be--

When am I telling Ben I can walk?

I guess the answer is--

Once he's back in love with me.

Satisfied?

Carter Grows Up

Hi, my name is Carter.

LIAM: We're going out tonight.
ME: No, we're not.

I never thought I'd be the one arguing to NOT go out on a Saturday night, but things have changed.

Liam and I have been dating all summer, and I've been working full-time at a restaurant on the east side. The two of us are living together, and sometimes it's good.

ME: I have to work brunch tomorrow.
LIAM: Fine, I understand.

And sometimes it's bad.

LIAM: I'll just go by myself and have sex with some other guy on the dance floor.

Like now.

Liam is just out of high school--and by just out, I mean dropped out. He doesn't do much except for sitting around the apartment and yelling at me.

ME: Liam, why can't we just stay home and enjoy each other's company?
LIAM: Ewww! Are you serious? What would we do?
ME: Talk?

. . . . .

LIAM: Hahahahaha...Sorry I didn't realize that was a joke.

Knock, Knock.

I was little surprised when I answered the door to find Davis and Jeremy there.

ME: Is it my turn to throw a really bad dinner party?
JEREMY: Ugh, don't even bring up that trainwreck with my mother.
DAVIS: Liam called. He said you guys were going out.
VOICE: Change of plans!

Liam pushed past me, and up to the boys.

LIAM: I'm going out. Carter's staying home and sleeping like an old lady.
JEREMY: Oh well--
LIAM: And you boys are coming with me.
JEREMY: I don't think we could--
DAVIS: Speak for yourself, Kit Kat. Daddy needs a drink. Lead the way, Jailbait.

Davis and Liam disappeared down the hall.

JEREMY: I can hang out here with you if you want, Carter.
ME: No, it's okay.

He didn't even kiss me good-bye.

JEREMY: You could always dump him, you know.
ME: But I love him, Jeremeee.

Jeremy gave me a hug, then said--

JEREMY: Growing up sucks, huh?

I nodded.

All I could think of was him making out with someone on the dance floor.

Hmm...

Maybe Liam and I need couples' counseling.

Jackson's Mother

Hi, my name is Jackson.

JOAN: Isn't it nice that we're all here together as a family?

I'm contemplating matricide.

My mother has been staying with my sister, Paige, and I all summer. Now that our brother Jeremy was back, we had planned to form a united front to get her to go home, but Jeremy wasn't seeing things our way.

JEREMY: If we send her home, Chris could flip out over the money she stole and get rid of her!

. . . . .

PAIGE, ME: And?

We had arranged to have dinner and kick our mother out at our apartment. Billy and Hank were invited since they now had the unfortunate distinction of dating me and Jeremy, and Paige invited her new best friend--

CARTER: Guyyyyys, I'm hungry.

I sprayed Carter with the hose from the sink.

CARTER: Heyyy!
ME: Go back to your pen and wait for us to feed you.

He sulked out of the kitchen.

JEREMY: I'm sorry, you two, but I'm not sending our mother back to a madman.
PAIGE: Fine, but she is NOT staying here. She's been stealing my birth control pills trying to get a high off of them.
ME: You mean to tell me the barren wasteland is taking birth control? That's like throwing water down a well.
JEREMY: Into the dining room! Let's get this over with...

Part of me was giddy.

Oh hell, all of me was giddy.

Breaking bad news to my mother is the closest I ever come to true joy.

JOAN: So Hank, how are you and Jackson?
HANK: Well, we still kind of hate each other, but the sex is fantastic.
JEREMY: HANK!
JOAN: I used to say the same thing about your father, Jackson. May he rest in peace.
PAIGE: Mom, Dad's not dead. He just left and never came back.
JOAN: His spirit is dead, Paige. Wherever he is, he's walking around with a dead spirit clinging to his fat body.
JACKSON: There's probably a twenty-year-old girl named Cindy clinging to him, too.
JOAN: THAT'S NOT FUNNY, JACKSON!

She slammed her hand down on the table and a fork went flying into Billy's shoulder.

Instantly, there was chaos.

BILLY: It's okay! I don't think it broke the skin.
HANK: Is that blood?
BILLY: I'M PASSING OUT! I'M PASSING OUT!
ME: No, you're not! Otherwise you wouldn't be yelling it!
PAIGE: Get him on the couch!
JOAN: Not while he's bleeding! I'll put down some newspaper!
ME: You're not helping, Mom.
JOAN: Well, what can I do to help?
JEREMY: YOU CAN MOVE OUT!

We all stopped and looked at Jeremy.

JOAN: What?
JEREMY: I'm sorry, Mom, but you need to move out. This just isn't working.
JOAN: I see.

That was when she walked back over to the table and started throwing forks at the rest of us--and some knives.

Mostly knives.

Ben's Ball and Chain

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: Can you fix my tie?

This is my ball and chain.

NATHAN: I haven't seen these people all summer. I'd like to look presentable.

Otherwise known as Nathan.

We spent most of our summer at a theater in the Midwest and the rest of it--

NATHAN: Why do you look so nervous?

--Well, we'll get to that.

ME: I don't think this is right.
NATHAN: Well, I'm not great at tying ties--
ME: No, I mean, us pretending to be a couple. We already did this once and it blew up in our face.
NATHAN: This time is different.
ME: How?
NATHAN: This time we mean it. We are a couple, Ben. We're a team.
ME: Except one of us really, really wants to trade to another team.
NATHAN: You want to start dating women?
ME: Ha ha.

He smiled at me.

NATHAN: Ben, you can break up with me anytime you want. Although I can't imagine many people would want to date the jerk who broke up with a--

That was when the door to Jeremy and Jackson's apartment opened.

CARTER: Heyyy! Welcome--Ah!

Nathan wheeled past Carter into the living room where we were met with more gasps.

Seriously, who gasps anymore?

JEREMY: Nathan, uh--
JACKSON: What--
HANK: Are you--
BILLY: Is this--

Nathan laughed.

NATHAN: What's the matter?

He threw me a glance.

NATHAN: Never seen a guy in a wheelchair before?

Leave it to Nathan to turn a car crash into something useful.

Rich Man, Poor Davis

Hi, my name is Davis.

TRAVIS: Are you coming back to bed?

This is my new boyfriend--Travis.

ME: I'll be right there.
TRAVIS: And put on those diamond briefs I bought you.

He's rich.

TRAVIS: And rip up twenty dollars for fun.

Very rich.

I was a little tired after spending all day in the hospital with Jeremy and his family. His twin brother, Jackson, one of my former flames, was rushed to the hospital after suffering a panic attack most likely brought on by the presence of the super-demon known as his mother, Joan.

After all that, I was thrilled to be staying over Travis' place--especially since his "place" is the penthouse at the Westin.

Ring, Ring.

I would have let it go to voicemail, but it came up--

"BITCHY RITCHIE"

--And I hadn't heard from him all summer.

TRAVIS: Davis?
ME: One second!

Hopefully he didn't want to cash in any of his friendly benefits. I don't have anything against hooking up with Ritchie, but Travis made it very clear that threeways aren't his thing.

TRAVIS: You're mine, only mine. If I ever find you with another man, both you and he are going to merge into the same body--extra limbs and all.

I thought he was joking until he stared at me for a solid minute without blinking.

Hey, nobody said it was easy living the good life. Remember how long Mariah was with that Italian gangster? Those were the "Emotions" years. She should have sucked it up and kept giving him the biscotti.

ME: Hello Ritchie.
RITCHIE: Hello stranger.
ME: Why am I the stranger?
RITCHIE: Because you haven't returned any of my calls.
ME: That's weird. This is the first one I've gotten from you.
RITCHIE: And this isn't even--
ME: My primary cell number, yeah. I left this one in Providence when I went with Jeremy to Florida.
RITCHIE: How did that go?
ME: Terribly. He and Billy are together and happy.
RITCHIE: God, that does sound awful.

Come to think of it, I hadn't gotten any phone calls in Florida...

I hadn't gotten any calls in awhile...

...Which, considering who I am, is downright alarming.

ME: So what have you been up to?
RITCHIE: Well, I have a dead person living in my guest bedroom.
ME: That's nice. Hey, I'm going to go. Travis is laying in bed waiting for me to help him pick out which country he wants to rent for the weekend. We're leaning towards Luxembourg.

There was an uncomfortable pause. I felt the turtle swim by...

RITCHIE: Davis, I know you got Travis' phone number out of my black book--
ME: Come on, Ritchie, all's fair in love and lucrative finances.
RITCHIE: I'm not angry. Actually, I'm more concerned.
ME: Concerned?
RITCHIE: Travis is insane.

Here we go. I knew he wasn't going to let me have Travis without trying to sabotage it. Ritchie hates being outplayed.

ME: Since when are you ever concerned about me?
RITCHIE: Davis, friends may come and go, but good fuck buddies who come over at 3am and leave before the sun comes up are a rare breed. I don't want to lose you.
ME: Well, I'm sorry, but you already have. John Davis was a free man for a long time, but now I'm off the market and I'm behaving.
RITCHIE: I meant 'lose you' as in 'lose you into a river while you're wearing a garbage bag.'
VOICE: JOHN!

I know I'm in trouble when he calls me 'John.'

ME: Gotta go.

I turned around to see Travis standing a few feet from me.

TRAVIS: Who were you talking to?
ME: Ritchie.
TRAVIS: Where did you get that phone?
ME: Um, it's my back-up.
TRAVIS: I wasn't aware you had a back-up.
ME: Yeah, and it's a good thing I do because my main one--

That was when I realized what was going on.

ME: Travis, did you do something to my phone?
TRAVIS: If by something you mean I'm having the incoming calls monitored, then yeah, I did a little something.
ME: Uh, that's not okay at all.

Travis walked up to me and put his hand firmly on my cheek.

TRAVIS: I want to make sure I know everything that's going on in your life.
ME: But--
TRAVIS: You're not Davis the Whore of Providence anymore.
ME: Actually, I was called the King--
TRAVIS: You're my boyfriend. Mine. That means nobody else comes near you or--

He took the phone and threw it against the wall.

TRAVIS: --Calls you.
ME: Travis--
TRAVIS: That includes Ritchie and those CBQ's. You're done with them. Do you understand?

Though I can usually handle myself in a fight, I've seen the black belt in Travis' karate belt room on the east side of the penthouse--and I know when I'm beat.

ME: I understand.
TRAVIS: Good.

He kissed me--hard.

TRAVIS: Now get that little ass into my bed. It's time we expanded your horizons.

As he walked away, I knew this little arrangement was over.

I was going to have to leave him.

Things were getting a little too Ike and Tina around here.

Jeremy's Big Surprise

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

PAIGE: You're home!

I'm home.

Home is an apartment I share with my little sister, Paige, and my twin brother--

JACKSON: You're home!

Jackson, or The Bad One, as our elementary school teachers referred to him.

PAIGE: What happened to you swooping down to Florida to stop Billy from getting married?
VOICE: Turns out he wasn't getting married.

That voice belongs to--

DAVIS: He was rehearsing a scene when we called. In the scene he was--
ME: Getting married. I really should have called back.
VOICE: He really, really should have called back.

That voice belongs to my boyfriend.

BILLY: You should have seen them.

-- July 2009 --

Davis and I made it to the theater just as Billy was putting the ring on some girl's finger.

ME: Wait, is that a girl?
DAVIS: The little fucker turned on us.
ME: That doesn't make any--

But Davis was already through the door, up on the stage, and tackling Billy to the ground.

-- September 2009 --

BILLY: It didn't even occur to them to wonder why I'd be getting married in a theater.
ME: Personally, I think it's romantic. That's how I want us to get married.

We were all sitting in the living room. Davis was making himself something to eat in the kitchen. Paige and Jackson looked nervous for some reason.

ME: Hey, did something happen while I was gone?
JACKSON: Um...I'm sleeping with Hank now.
ME: Hmm, unsettling, but definitely not traumatizing enough to make you two look like deer in headlights.

Paige giggled--never a good sign.

BILLY: Is it the Wilde blog? Carter e-mailed me and told me it was back.
PAIGE: Actually, it's great now. You can tell it's run by a much smarter and cuter girl--I mean, person.
ME: Uh...huh.

That was when I heard a crash come from the kitchen.

ME: Davis? Are you okay?

Davis walked out of the kitchen looking like he'd seen a ghost.

DAVIS: Why didn't you tell me your mother was here?

I immediately jumped off the couch and began to scan the room for a crucifix.

ME: Why is she still here?
PAIGE: We can't send her back.
ME: Did you lose the receipt?
JACKSON: Crazy Stepdad Chris is looking for her. She stole his money.
ME: Yeah, to give to you after you hopped her up on pills!
DAVIS: She walked into the kitchen wearing a robe. I think I saw boob.
ALL: Ewww!

I grabbed one of my suitcases.

ME: Come on, Billy, we're leaving. You are not meeting my--
VOICE: Darling!

Good old Mom. Always did know how to make an entrance. I hear Great White Sharks have the same skill.

JOAN: Are you surprised?
ME: Terribly, terribly, terribly surprised, Mom.
JOAN: I spent all summer with your brother and sister, but I couldn't leave without getting just as much time with you!
JACKSON: Luckily, Autumn is much shorter season.
JOAN: SHUT UP, JACKSON!

She threw a glass against the wall. There was a silence.

JOAN: He always was the Bad One.

Knock, Knock.

DAVIS: I'll get it.
BILLY: Davis, you don't live here.
DAVIS: Yeah, but I'm leaving anyway.
JOAN: Oh! Don't let me scare you away, Davis!
JACKSON: She said something similar to the old priest right before he flew out the window.

Davis opened the door and there was Hank.

HANK: Is she here?
DAVIS: Yup.
HANK: I'm leaving.
DAVIS: Me, too.
HANK: Hey Jeremy! Let's catch up later!
ME: I hate you!
DAVIS: Bye buddy!
ME: I hate you both!

Mom sat down on the couch in between me and Billy.

JOAN: Sooo, who is THIS young man?
JACKSON: Billy, tell her you don't speak English. Then she'll hire you to clean our floors, but she won't say a word to you.
JOAN: DAMMIT, JACKSON!

I leaned back and Billy followed my lead.

ME: How would you feel about moving back to Florida?
BILLY: She's got her hand on my knee and I think it's made of solid ice.
JOAN: Now, now. No secrets from Mommy!

That was when Jackson fell over.

Literally.

PAIGE: Jackson!
JOAN: So dramatic.
BILLY: Um, he's not breathing.
ME: Paige, call 9-1-1.

I leaned over my brother's face--a face very similar to mine--which made it all the more creepy when he said:

"If anything happens to me, Mom did it."

And then he passed out.

JOAN: Is an ambulance really necessary? It's probably just a temper tantrum. God, I should have given at least one of you away to a barren couple somewhere. Two children who look the same is so unnecessary.

What a way to start the year.