Cranberry Bogs

Hi, my name is Adam.

JOEY: We need to talk.

I just got broken up with…

JOEY: I think we should break up.

…On Pride Day.

I spent the night at Joey’s apartment, only to be woken up by him in a not-so-unpleasant way.

ME: Oh my…

But then—

JOEY: I think we should break up.

It was confusing.

ME: But…we just…you know…
JOEY: I know. I thought you’d appreciate that.
ME: I hate you.
JOEY: I’m sorry.
ME: Don’t leave me.
JOEY: It’s for the best.
ME: No, it’s really not.
JOEY: I wasn’t talking about it being the best for both of us.

Knock, Knock.

VOICE: Joey, you ready?

Wait…

ME: Who’s that?
JOEY: Um, that’s…Brian.
ME: Who’s Brian?

Brian decided to walk right in.

BRIAN: You ready? My friend Cranberry Bogs is performing at the festival in an hour.
JOEY: Drag queen?
BRIAN: From Phoenix.
ME: Excuse me! Is this actually happening?
JOEY: I’m sorry, Adam. I just can’t be tied down right now.

Then he looked at Brian.

JOEY: Unless I’m drunk or something. Hahaha…Sorry, Adam. It’s for the best.
ME: No, it’s really not.
JOEY: Again, in terms of me.

That’s how I knew it was going to be the worst Pride ever.

PAIGE: I’m done with him.

I went to see Paige so she could console me.

Buzz. Paige's phone went off.

ME: It’s him, isn’t it?
PAIGE: I’m telling him to leave me alone.
ME: You’re making a coffee date, aren’t you?
PAIGE: It’ll be harsher if I tell him off over coffee…and maybe a muffin.

This is my support system.

JEREMY: Paige, hurry up. We have to be at the tent by noon or we’ll miss Cranberry Bogs.
ME: You like Cranberry Bogs too?
JEREMY: She juggles Cher dolls. It sounds easy, but it’s a real art.
PAIGE: Jeremy, darling brother, do you think Billy will be at Pride?
JEREMY: I don’t know, Paige. Why don’t you call him and ask him?
PAIGE: Because I want you to call him.
JEREMY: Paige, he’s engaged.
ME: Do you—
JEREMY: Yes, I’m aware that rhymes.

Ever since Billy’s botched wedding, Paige has been trying to get him and Jeremy to reconcile.

PAIGE: He’s going to be leaving for Vegas next week to elope.
JEREMY: I’m not sure it’s eloping if everybody knows you’re doing it.
PAIGE: Forget semantics. You have to stop him!
JEREMY: It’s his life.
PAIGE: He’s your soulmate!
JEREMY: He slept with my brother!
JACKSON: Did I hear my name?

Jackson was still in a bathrobe. Something was telling me that we would be missing Cranberry Bogs and her Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves.

PAIGE: If it weren’t for you, our brother would be happy.
JACKSON: If it weren’t for you, I’d still be able to fit into my skinny jeans. Your snacks put five pounds on me.
PAIGE: Jackson, tell Jeremy that he belongs with Billy.
JACKSON: Jeremy, you belong with Davis.
PAIGE: What?!?
JACKSON: He does. They’re soulmates. Just like Mom and martinis.
JOAN: Did I hear my name?

This bathroom was getting really crowded.

PAIGE: Hello Non-Biological Mother.
JOAN: Paige, if you don’t want to treat me like your mother, then I suggest you stop ignoring me, because otherwise it’s the same old song and dance. Hello Adam, don’t you look red in the face. Were you out running?
ME: I was having my heart stomped on and eaten by wolves.
JOAN: Break-ups are supposed to make you weep, sweetheart, not sweat. How in the world are you going to attract a rebound looking like you just hopped off the treadmill?
PAIGE: Joan!
JEREMY: Mom, enough.
PAIGE: I mean, look at Jackson. He and Ben broke up and he’s not all—-
JEREMY: You and Ben broke up?
JOAN: Yes, and I think—
JACKSON: It just wasn’t working out.
JOAN: I think—-
JEREMY: But you seemed so—-
JOAN: Jeremy, I think you should date Ben.

Silence.

JOAN: Not because he’s your soulmate, but just because you both are the same size and you could swap sweaters. Think how much fun that would be in the winter! Okay, time to raid the cupboards for the cooking sherry.

It figures. Jeremy has three potential boyfriends and I have nobody. And he doesn’t even manscape properly.

Ding Dong.

JEREMY: It’s probably the boys.
JACKSON: It could be Davis.
ME: It could be a murderer. Tell him I’m in here waiting.
JOAN’s VOICE: Jeremy! It’s Billy!
PAIGE: Yay!
JEREMY: Shut up, Paige! And take that dumb t-shirt off.
PAIGE: But it says Team Billy!
JACKSON: I used my Team Davis shirt to wipe—-
JEREMY: STOP! Just stop! Thank you.

Jeremy walked out of the bathroom.

ME: We’re eavesdropping, aren’t we?
PAIGE: Are you kidding? We even have baby monitors.

Jackson, Paige, and I hid in the bathroom while Jeremy talked with Billy in the living room.

JEREMY: So how was the wedding?
BILLY: It was…nice. You know, until Davis threw up on me and it rained.
JEREMY: I wonder if the karma was the vomit or the precipitation.
BILLY: Look, I knew you wouldn’t be happy—-
JEREMY: That old E.S.P. kicking in again?
BILLY: Kurt is a nice guy, and you and I—-Jeremy, it just…never seems to work out. It’s like we’re on some sort of horrible, campy soap opera blog written by some bitchy gay guy.
JEREMY: I resent that.
BILLY: Why?
JEREMY: I don’t know. I just do.

Paige started to cry.

PAIGE: Why can’t they just make it work?
ME: Shut up, you dumb bitch. Your brother’s in crisis!
JACKSON: I’m telling you. He belongs with Davis.
ME, PAIGE: Ssshhh!

There was more talking, and then—-

BILLY: I’m not entirely sure I’m not in love with you anymore.

Whoa.

JEREMY: Thanks. That’s the vaguest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
BILLY: If you think this can happen, then…I’m willing to try again. I’ll tell Kurt-—
JEREMY: Tell Kurt to pack light for Vegas. It’s a honeymoon after all.
PAIGE: No!
BILLY: Jeremy—-
JEREMY: You have no idea who you are, Billy. You belong with someone like Kurt. Some bland guy who can adore you and never challenge you or your bullshit in any way whasoever. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life constantly changing who I am every time you figure out you’re someone else. Go get married. Go to Vegas. Go to Paris. I don’t care. Just pick a path, run down it, and see what happens. Who knows? Maybe I’ll see you at the end of it.

Then there was the sound of a door opening and—

JEREMY: By the way, I still love you too.

--Closing.

PAIGE: He's going to need snacks.
JACKSON: Bullshit. It's time to party.

The festival was a snoozefest, but at least it gave me enough time to get significantly drunk before it was time to hit the clubs.

RITCHIE: Did you see Nathan and the crazy cult kids protesting outside Slice? Davis is going to have a hell of a time getting them to clear out.
ELI: That Valerie Westgate girl is creepy.
BEN: I heard she ate the Chair of the Theater Department at RIC.
JACKSON: No, just one of the choreographers.
JEREMY: Same thing.

Jeremy and Jackson pulled me aside while Paige was at the Thespian/Lesbian tent.

JEREMY: Adam, did Paige tell you about her…situation?
ME: Yeah, yeah, she’s not your sister.
JACKSON: It’s more complicated than that.
JEREMY: She has a brother. A real brother.
ME: Wow. Does she know who it is?
JEREMY: Well, that’s the thing…it’s someone she knows.
JACKSON: It’s one of the boys in the group.
ME: Oh my God!
JEREMY: But she can’t know about that until we find out who it is.
JACKSON: Joan refuses to tell us, and we don’t want her breaking the news to Paige.
JEREMY: The last time she gave Paige bad news it was ‘Honey, there’s no Santa, now pass me that snifter.’
JACKSON: We’re only telling you because if she goes digging for something—-
ME: I’ll try to keep her distracted.
JEREMY: Thank you.

Jackson went to grab another drink, but Ritchie came over to talk to Jeremy.

RITCHIE: So Jeremy, I heard you've come into some money.
JEREMY: Ritchie, please--
ME: What are you guys talking about?
JEREMY: Carter's family won a settlement against Ritchie because of the club explosion.
RITCHIE: They won it against my insurance company, but I think I'm entitled to that money.
JEREMY: How do you figure?
RITCHIE: Because there was nothing wrong with my club. Somebody caused that explosion.
JEREMY: I know you think that Ritchie, but--
RITCHIE: Jeremy, that money could help me rebuild. I could open a brand new club.
ME: One that won't almost kill everyone?
RITCHIE: Zip it, Tiny.
JEREMY: I'm sorry, Ritchie, but Carter's family wants the money to go towards Youth Pride.
RITCHIE: But he left it to you. You're in charge of it--
JEREMY: And I'm going to do the right thing.

He walked away leaving Ritchie looking quite upset.

RITCHIE: He'll change his mind.
ME: I doubt it.
RITCHIE: After everything that's happened this year, you still underestimate me, Adam.

Nathan was walking up and down the sidewalk outside Slice with the Heterosexual Christian Liberation Group.

NATHAN: Down with sin! Down with vice!
HANK: See what happens when they date Ben?
BEN: Hey!
JACKSON: He dated me too, and it’s true what they say. Christians give really good—
JEREMY: Let’s go dance!

I hung back because I wanted a drink from the bar outside. That was when I overheard Nathan talking to that girl Valerie.

VALERIE: You know what you have to do, don’t you, Nathan?
NATHAN: Yes, Valerie.
VALERIE: You’re so tender. Like a crispy chicken nugget.
NATHAN: I’m allergic to those.
VALERIE: Awww, that’s the Devil talking.

All right, enough of that.

Inside, Slice was packed. I ended up dancing with Eli.

ME: So what are you plans for next year?
ELI: I’m moving to New York.
ME: Really? In the fall?
ELI: Try two weeks. I’m done with Providence—again.
ME: Maybe this time it’ll stick.
ELI: Do you want to come with me?
ME: Huh?
ELI: I got a two-bedroom apartment. I need a roommate.
ME: But I’m in school.
ELI: Adam, what is school going to teach you? You need life experience. New York is the best place for you.

Hmm…it’s not like I have that many reasons for sticking around here.

ME: Let me think about it.
ELI: Think all you want. That’s the last thing I’m going to be doing tonight.

Eli went off to find another dancing partner, and I went looking for Jeremy. I felt like going home, and he had my keys since I left my car in front of his apartment.

I didn’t find him, but I did find Ritchie talking to the backstabber.

JOEY: Look, I know what we have to do, okay?

They didn’t see me, so I hung back for a second.

RITCHIE: Just make sure you do it and take off.
JOEY: Why can’t you do it?
RITCHIE: Look, I’m not—

That was when someone shoved me and I fell right into Ritchie.

RITCHIE: Adam, what are you—

I had to create a distraction so they wouldn’t know I was eavesdropping.

So I slapped him.

RITCHIE: Ow!
ME: You son-of-a-bitch. Standing here with my ex-boyfriend!
JOEY: Adam, we were just talking. I’m here with Brian!
ME: And to think I missed Cranberry Bogs for you!

I got out of there before they could ask me what that means.

Jeremy ended up being in Davis’ office. I hung outside the door and waited for him to come out.

It sounded like they were arguing.

JEREMY: You need to lay low.
DAVIS: You need to stop worrying so much.
JEREMY: I still don't understand how you randomly decided to turn into an asshole these past few--
DAVIS: Jeremy, I have leukemia.

. . . . .

JEREMY: What?
DAVIS: It's aggressive too. I guess the diagnosis fits the patient.
JEREMY: Are you--
DAVIS: In treatment. Yup, but they still think I'm not going to have much time left unless I can find a bone marrow donor.
JEREMY: So all this was just you pushing people away?
DAVIS: Except you. I never pushed you away.

I poked my head through the office window. Davis was on one knee.

DAVIS: Will you marry me?
JEREMY: Davis, don't be insane.
DAVIS: I'm dying.
JEREMY: You're not dead yet.
DAVIS: I want to be with you for as long as I'm still here.
JEREMY: That may not be that much longer unless we get you out of here. There's this really bad feeling in the air. You should go.

Davis stood up.

DAVIS: Fine. I get it. You're still in love with Billy.
JEREMY: Davis, there are crazy religious people outside and everybody inside—
DAVIS: --Loves me! Now that the Wilde Blog says I’m King again.
JEREMY: Didn’t you read today’s post?
DAVIS: No.
JEREMY: There was a retraction.
DAVIS: What? They retracted their retraction?
JEREMY: And it said you have athlete’s foot.
DAVIS: I’m going to kill Ritchie.
JEREMY: Why?
DAVIS: Because Ritchie writes for the Wilde Blog!
JEREMY: What?!

WHAT?!

I had to find Paige and tell her that her colleague’s identity was revealed.

HANK: Where are you running off to, Mini-Gay?
ME: I just found out juicy gossip.
HANK: God, you’re such a queen.
ME: Does that mean you don’t want to hear it?
HANK: I said you were a queen. I didn’t say you’re not a good listener. Relay the information, Kitten. I’m all ears.
ME: Ritchie writes the Wilde Blog and Davis just proposed to Jeremy.
HANK: Are you kidding me?
ME: No.

Hank looked like he was about to cry.

ME: What's wrong?
HANK: Oh nothing. I'm just in love with Davis.

He walked away, but before I could follow him, Ritchie came flying into me.

We both landed on the floor, and when I stood up--

JEREMY: You pathetic--

There was Jeremy.

RITCHIE: Is this because of Carter's money?
JEREMY: This is because of the blog, Wilde.
RITCHIE: Oh boy.
JEREMY: You can forget the money--and our friendship. It's over, Ritchie.

Ritchie dusted himself off, and grabbed Jeremy's arm.

RITCHIE: If that's the case, then prepare for war.
VOICE: Hey!

Ben came pushing through the crowd.

BEN: Let him go.
RITCHIE: Fine by me.

Ritchie walked away, but Jeremy was still on a rampage.

JEREMY: I don't need you to save me, Ben.
BEN: I was looking for you anyway.
JEREMY: Are you going to propose too?
BEN: Huh?
JEREMY: Never mind.
BEN: I want to show you something.

He handed him a postcard.

JEREMY: What's this?
BEN: Your new theater.
JEREMY: My what?
BEN: Well, OUR new theater. It used to be a pizza place--my family owned it. Now it's mine--and yours.
JEREMY: Ben--
BEN: I want to show you I'm different. I want to show you that I can--

That’s when the lights went down, and the stage at Slice lit up.

JEREMY: Oh no.
BEN: What’s going on?
JEREMY: Davis is making himself a human target.
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: I've got to see if I can stop this.

He disappeared into the crowd.

A minute later, Davis took the stage to a chorus of “Boo”s.

DAVIS: I know you’ve all heard some rumors about me. I just want you to know that I know some rumors too. I know rumors about almost everybody in this room. So why don’t we all—
VOICE: HE’S GOT A GUN!

I heard a shot ring out, and somebody yelled—

VOICE: DAVIS!

Then, I saw a body fly in front of Davis as a bullet came piercing through the crowd.

People went running everywhere. I saw Paige out of the corner of my eye heading for the stage, and I went after her.

When I got there, I saw who’d been hit.

ME: Jeremy?

Davis was holding him, and there was blood everywhere.

DAVIS: Somebody call an ambulance!

Paige turned to me.

PAIGE: Adam, I need your phone.

Jackson came running up onstage.

JACKSON: Is he breathing?
DAVIS: I can’t feel a pulse.
VOICE: JEREMY!

There was Billy—standing in front of the stage.

BILLY: I came back.
DAVIS: Billy, get help!
BILLY: I came back—I couldn’t do it—
DAVIS: Will somebody do something?

I saw Ben rush up onstage, and kneel down in front of Jeremy. He started giving him CPR.

BEN: One…two…
DAVIS: You don’t know what you’re doing.
BEN: SHUT UP, DAVIS! WHOEVER SHOT HIM WAS AIMING FOR YOU!
DAVIS: How do you know that?
BEN: He took a bullet for you!
BILLY: Where’s the ambulance?
JACKSON: Jeremy, wake up. Come on, Jeremy—
PAIGE: Adam, your phone! I need your phone!
ME: I saw.

Everyone turned and looked at me.

ME: I saw who shot him.

To Be Continued…

Security

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: I'm begging you not to go to this.

I fear for Davis' life.

Jeremy and I went to Slice to try and convince him not to go to Pride.

Obviously, he wasn't thrilled with this idea.

DAVIS: I've been going to Pride since I was fifteen.
JEREMY: Davis, you might not make it to thirty if you go this year.
DAVIS: I had no intention of ever acknowledging thirty anyway.
ME: We're serious. A lot of people are angry with you right now.
JEREMY: Plus Nathan and the Crazy Christian Sexual Liberation Unit from RIC have been protesting Pride all week.
DAVIS: Good. I just love bad publicity.

He started to head down to the dance floor. Nowadays, as his security adviser, I don't even like him going into the club anymore.

It's just too risky.

ME: Davis, I'm putting my foot down. If I'm your security guy, then you have to let me do my job. You cannot go to Pride. I won't be able to keep a good enough eye on you.

Davis smiled, and put his hand on my arm.

DAVIS: Well, when you put it to me that way--you're fired.

And he walked away.

JEREMY: Hank, he doesn't know--
ME: You heard what he said, Jeremy.

He's on his own.

The Man Behind the Curtain

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

DAVIS: Hello Wilde.

Uh oh.

DAVIS: --Or should I call you Wilde Jr.?

I knew I was in trouble when I showed up at my apartment, and the door was wide open.

Davis must have found my spare key.

DAVIS: I didn't find your spare key.
ME: Okay, that's creepy.
DAVIS: Joey let me in.
ME: Since when are you two friends again?
DAVIS: I wouldn't say 'friends'--

He was standing in my room with my laptop open on my desk.

And there I was, logged into the Wilde Blog as an administrator.

DAVIS: So you've been the one promoting me as the Most Hated Guy in Providence.
ME: You haven't exactly been helping your case. Closing Prisms, ruining Billy's wedding--
DAVIS: Maybe next time he'll invite me.
ME: By the way, you owe me for the hospital bill. My eye was swollen for two days.
DAVIS: Was that why the blog didn't get updated?

Davis must not know that Paige was the other blogger. She said Jeremy and Jackson found her out, but she's been keeping my identity a secret so that she could still filter stories through me until she could figure out what to do about her brothers.

So I was going to have to deal with Davis on my own.

ME: All right, Davis, what do you want to keep your mouth shut?
DAVIS: A retraction.
ME: Are you kidding? You can't expect me to try and build you back up again after everything you've done.
DAVIS: Oh, but you will, Ritchie. If you don't, I expose you as the guy behind Wilde, and that spotlight will jump right off me and onto you.

This was a disaster.

ME: What do you want me to say?
DAVIS: Say whatever you want, just make sure it's said with a smile. Oh, and I want at least one negative story posted about you a week.
ME: You want me to post negative stories about MYSELF?
DAVIS: Let's hope your own medicine tastes better than other parts of you do. Ta ta, Kit Kat.

He walked past me and out of the apartment.

Well, it looks like I have to resurrect Davis' reputation.

Impossible.

...But you know...

People are always sympathetic to those who've suffered a great tragedy...

A Blushing Groom

Hi, my name is Billy.

RITCHIE: Are you ready to go?

I'm about to get married.

ME: I wish Carter could be here.
RITCHIE: I'm sure he's here in spirit.
HANK: And it's a Saturday. So his spirit is probably pre-gaming.

Kurt and I had taken advantage of the nice weather to have an outdoor commitment ceremony. Ritchie had agreed to walk me down the aisle.

Jeremy opted not to come--not a big surprise there.

ME: Guys, am I doing the right thing?
RITCHIE/HANK: Yes./No.
RITCHIE: Hank!

Hank grabbed me.

HANK: You still love Jeremy.
ME: I don't.
HANK: You do.
ME: I don't.
RITCHIE: He doesn't. Let it go, Hank.
HANK: Think about this.

Knock, knock.

Joey poked his head into the room.

JOEY: How's the blushing groom?
RITCHIE: He's ready to walk. Let's move.

Before I knew it, Ritchie was pushing me out the door, and down the aisle.

Kurt looked so handsome in his tuxedo.

The ceremony was going so well, until--

OFFICIAL: If anyone here objects to this man and this--
VOICE: RIGHT HERE!

Everyone turned around, and there was Davis.

Drunk and stumbling up the aisle.

KURT: You didn't invite him, did you?
ME: That would be a negative.

He was laughing and holding a half-empty bottle of vodka in his hand.

DAVIS: How come nobody told me that we were having a party?

Ritchie stood up and tried to say something to him, but Davis clocked him across the face. There was a gasp from the crowd.

DAVIS: This man--

He pointed at me.

DAVIS: Does not love this man.

He point at Kurt.

DAVIS: And letting them get married would be a disgrace to the sanctity of wedded union.

I took off my lapel, handed it to Kurt, and walked down the aisle to Davis.

ME: I'm going to kill you for this.
DAVIS: You're going to thank me later.

That was when he threw up on my tuxedo.

And then I heard the thunder...

The Convert

Hi, my name is Nathan.

DAVIS: Well, if it isn't the boy from state school.

This is my girlfriend.

HAYLEY: Remember, honey, be strong.

We're here to shut down Slice.

ME: Davis, you are perpetuating a sinful lifestyle.
DAVIS: Yeah, what else is new?
JEREMY: Nathan, what's going on with you?
ME: Jeremy, I've made a huge change in my life.
HAYLEY: Nathan has decided to turn his eyes away from the harsh light of moral degradation.
HANK: So he won't be going to karaoke Tuesdays at Fox's anymore?
ME: My new friends at RIC have taught me that heterosexual love is the only love that can be appreciated by God.
JEREMY: Oh my God, did they convert you?

Valerie Westgate warned me that they would use terms like this.

She said--

VALERIE WESTGATE: You have felt the true love now, Nathan. Embrace it. Let go of those who would pull you down into their nets of deceit.

It was after the musical one night. I found myself down in a basement where I was given alcohol and strange tablets and suddenly a light dawned on me--

HANK: Bitch is crazy.
ME: I was hoping maybe some of you would join me in my quest to Christ.
DAVIS: I'd rather wait in line at a Starbucks.

I smiled at Davis, for soon he will fall.

ME: You are the King of these Sinners, Davis. You must be brought down.
DAVIS: Spoken like a true cult nut.
ME: You'll be meeting your judge soon. Let's go, Hayley.

Some people you just can't change.

Mutual Assured Destruction

Hi, my name is Joey.

ME: I want you to change your book.

I've been exposed.

DAVIS: Joey, I'm not sure you understand how books work.

Then again, so has everyone else in town.

I went to Davis' apartment to beg him to change the embarrassing parts of the book--at least the ones that involve me having threeways and being a slut.

DAVIS: So you want me to lie?
ME: Davis, all that stuff was private!
DAVIS: That's why it's on the bestseller list, Joey.
ME: Print a retraction!
DAVIS: It's a book! Not a blog!

I flipped over his coffee table.

It's the most violent thing I've ever done.

ME: Davis, if you don't fix this, I'll--
DAVIS: You'll what? Set my club on fire?

. . . . .

DAVIS: Hank saw you going into the boiler room before Ritchie's club exploded.
ME: He, uh...
DAVIS: See? I left out the best part of the book. I'd consider myself lucky if I were you.
ME: We meant so much to each other.
DAVIS: And now you're bopping a dwarf. Sorry if I don't feel there's any loyalty there.
ME: You can't say anything.
DAVIS: Consider it mutual assured destruction. My book stays the way it is printing after printing, and you're not exposed as being a murderer.
ME: A--
DAVIS: Carter, remember? That would be on you.

I didn't know what to say, so I turned around and walked out.

But in my head, I knew what I had to do.

Davis has to go.

Brothers and Sisters

Hi, my name is Jackson.

JOAN: I was going to tell you.

We're having a family meeting.

PAIGE: When? On your deathbed?
ME: Don't be ridiculous, Paige. She's not mortal.
JOAN: I'm having just as hard a time with this as you all are.
JEREMY: I severely doubt that, Mom. We were blind-sided.
JOAN: I knew you wouldn't take it well.

Paige started to cry--again.

PAIGE: Do you know who my family is?

Jeremy grabbed Paige.

JEREMY: WE are your family. So what if we're not blood? Jackson and I are identical twins, and we were like strangers until last year.
ME: Way to open up that old wound, Jeremy.
JEREMY: Paige, we are your brothers, and we love you.
PAIGE: But I need to know where I came from!
JOAN: You came from an adoption agency. There, that was easy.

She finished off her Death on the Gulf Stream.

JEREMY: I need ice cream.
PAIGE: I'll drive. Maybe I'll see a nice tree I can crash into.

She went into her room to get her coat. Joan pulled Jeremy and I close to her.

JOAN: I may have lied.
ME: May have?
JOAN: About not knowing who Paige's family is--
JEREMY: So tell her.
JOAN: I can't.
ME: Why not?
JOAN: Because she already knows one of them. So do you?
JEREMY: What are you talking about?
JOAN: Paige has a brother. A biological brother. And he's one of your friends.

Oh great.

Paige is related to another CBQ.

A Bond That's Hard to Break

Hi, my name is Ben.

JEREMY: Hey, what's up?

I have something for Jeremy.

ME: I wanted to give you your graduation present.
JEREMY: Oh, I thought maybe you were here to see Jackson.
ME: No, he's meeting me at the mall in a little while.
JEREMY: Well, come in. I never say 'No' to a gift.

I sat down on the couch in the living room.

Once Jeremy was next to me, I took out the card.

JEREMY: Please tell me it's not ten bucks and a 'Go get 'em kid.'
ME: Not exactly.

His mouth dropped when he saw the tickets.

JEREMY: Ben, these tickets are impossible to get. This is the hottest show on Broadway right now.
ME: I'm aware.
JEREMY: These must have been a fortune.
ME: Just a small one.
JEREMY: Why would you--

I kissed him. I leaned over and kissed him.

He pulled back right away, and stood up.

JEREMY: This isn't happening.
ME: Why not?
JEREMY: Um, Jackson?
ME: You mean the guy who slept with your ex-boyfriend?
JEREMY: I mean, my brother.
ME: I thought I could date him and it would...
JEREMY: I don't need to be hearing this.
ME: I love you.

Oh God...

I just said that.

Out loud.

JEREMY: You need to leave now.
ME: I've changed, okay? I've changed, and I've changed because of you. I can be a good person, but I can't be a good person if I can't be with you.
JEREMY: That--really can't be my problem, Ben. I'm sorry, but--
ME: Do you hate me?
JEREMY: OF COURSE I DON'T HATE YOU!
ME: THEN WHY ARE YOU YELLING?
JEREMY: I DON'T KNOW!

The door opened.

PAIGE: Um, hi guys.

Cue sister to heighten awkward moment.

PAIGE: I...uh...
JEREMY: Is something wrong?
PAIGE: Do you remember when Jackson was in the hospital and they thought he was going to lose his kidney?
JEREMY: Yeah.
PAIGE: I was going to give him mine.
JEREMY: You didn't tell me that.
PAIGE: I was tested, but...he didn't need it, so--
ME: So great. Jeremy and I were talking and--
PAIGE: I wasn't a match.
ME: Okay. Well, that's not abnormal.
PAIGE: No, you don't understand. I wasn't a match. They did some testing, and...

Jeremy looked like he'd just been slapped across the face.

But Paige looked worse.

PAIGE: Jackson's not my brother.

Jeremy grabbed my arm. I put it around his waist. He was shaking.

PAIGE: Jeremy, that means I'm not your sister.

That was when he straight up passed out.

The Author

Hi, my name is Davis.

BOOK BUYER: It's such a thrill to meet you.

If you ever told me that one day I'd be spending a Friday night in a Barnes and Noble, I would have told you were--

ME: How would you like me to sign this?

--maybe not so crazy.

After shutting down Prisms, a publishing company in Boston asked me to write my advice for young, gay businessmen.

I thought it was a fantastic idea.

Unfortunately, for most of the gays in Providence, it turned into more of a memoir.

ELI: Hello Davis.

And not everybody is thrilled about that.

ME: Oh Eli, did you actually buy one of my books? I would have given you a really good discount on that.
ELI: I already read the parts I'm interested in--the parts involving me.
ME: Even the parts about you where I used big words?
ELI: You put my business out there for everyone to read.
ME: And it's a bestseller, motherf**ker. Now do you want me to sign your copy or not?

He flipped the table I was sitting at over, sending books flying everywhere.

ELI: What you've done can't be undone. Maybe something like that needs to happen to you.

He walked away, and I wondered...

Was that a threat?

Graduation

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

JACKSON: I can't believe you're leaving me in this school for another year.
ME: Maybe if somebody hadn't taken a year off to bed every bartender in Europe, they'd be graduating too.
JACKSON: I'd say it was worth it, but I'll just wait until you're depressed and show you the photo album.

I'm about to graduate college.

The family was gathered on the baseball field near the quad. Joan was being her normal, reserved self.

JOAN: My baby! My baby! My little baby!
JACKSON: Great. She's launching into 'Sophie's Choice.'
JOAN: My favorite son!
JACKSON: Yup, there it is.

Paige wasn't speaking to me.

ME: I guess I'm not going to get a 'Congratulations.'
PAIGE: When you give me the new password to the Wilde Blog, you will.
ME: Guess that's a 'No' then.

When Jackson and I found out that our sister was the new Wilde, we immediately forced her to give us the password. We changed it, then waited for the blog to die, but someone was still updating it.

JACKSON: Why don't you just tell us who your co-conspirator is?
ME: It can't be Adam. The blog was updated when he was out with us the other night.
PAIGE: I'll never tell.
JACKSON: Please, you talk shit in your sleep. We'll get it out of you.
VOICE: Hey!

I turned around to see Ritchie running towards me holding a book.

ME: Ritchie, you didn't actually buy one of those over-priced yearbooks, did you?
RITCHIE: No, I bought something a LOT better.

He handed me the book.

ME: 'Gossip and the Gays: A Life in Providence?'
RITCHIE: Did you know Davis was writing this?
ME: Davis WROTE something?
RITCHIE: It's dedicated to you.
ME: Aww, that's so--
RITCHIE: It's filled with everything that's happened over the past two years.
ME: That's impossible. Davis is incredibly private.
VOICE: Not when there's six figures on the table.

Davis had me in a hug, before I could even turn around to look at him.

ME: Davis, you didn't.
DAVIS: They're already talking about an HBO series.
JACKSON: Am I in that?
DAVIS: Don't worry. I changed your name.

Jackson grabbed the book from me and flipped through it.

JACKSON: You changed my name to 'Jason?' Everyone's going to know that's me!
DAVIS: Only the people who buy the book. That's the point.

Jackson stormed off.

RITCHIE: Davis, I hope you know that between this and closing down Prisms, you're now the most hated guy in Providence.
ME: Ritchie, don't exaggerate.
RITCHIE: Oh, I'm not. Check the Wilde Blog.

Ritchie started walking towards the quad.

ME: Davis, I think maybe you've gone--
DAVIS: Too far? Please, when do I not?

He gave me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek.

DAVIS: I'm proud of you.

Love him or hate him, he's still my best friend.

Hopefully that target on him isn't too big...

A Good Read

Hi, my name is Adam.

ME: Paige, we're going to be late.
PAIGE: Fashionably late.
ME: It's not fashionable if you show up AFTER the party is over.
PAIGE: I just have to finish updating the blog.

Paige was putting all the dirt about Davis shutting down Prisms on the Wilde Blog.

ME: This blog has taken over your life.
PAIGE: How can you say that?
ME: You're right. This blog has taken over your life--you dumb bitch.
PAIGE: I'm writing the hottest piece of literature in Providence--not counting what's written on the bathroom wall in Grizzly's.
ME: Are you done?
PAIGE: Finished. Let's head out.

We were going to Prisms to celebrate its last night in existence.

After getting all the way to the car, Paige remembered that she left her ID back in her room.

So we had to go all the way back to the apartment, and when we got there.

JEREMY: Hello little sister.
JACKSON: Did you forget something?

There was the computer--with Paige still logged onto the Wilde blog.

PAIGE: Uh...does anybody want me to make hot chocolate?
JACKSON: You know you're f**ked, right?
PAIGE: Ohhh, I'm aware.

Looks like Paige's career as an author has just been cut short.