The Checklist

Hi, my name is Hank.

NATHAN: The list is out!

I'm about to be the most popular boy in town.

JACKSON: List?
BEN: Every year Wilde puts out a list of the top ten best hook-ups to score in the state.
JEREMY: Proving that we gays aren't the promiscuous sluts the straights paint us to be.
DAVIS: Oh, it's completely harmless. Plus, I'm number one every year. So it's not like there's any point in checking.

We were all at Davis' house for some cocktails before the big banquet in his honor. Billy went over to Davis' laptop and printed out the list from Wilde's website. I tried to look nonchalant.

ELI: Hank, why are you smiling?

Uh oh.

ME: I was thinking of teddy bears.

Luckily, the list was its own distraction.

NATHAN: Billy, you're on here.
BILLY: Eww, hook-up lists are trashy.
NATHAN: You're number four.
BILLY: That's it? I was number three last year!
ELI: Jackson's number three now.
JACKSON: I am?
JEREMY: He is?

Jeremy grabbed the list, and read off the summary.

JEREMY: "Jackson is the hot new guy in town, whose already making waves. Get to him before he crashes." I'm going to be sick.
JACKSON: Sibling rivalry rearing its ugly head.
BEN: How come I'm not on the list anymore?
ME: Because they don't put taken guys on the list.
DAVIS: No, they have their own list for the homewreckers.
JEREMY: Oh Davis, I have some bad news for you.
DAVIS: Did they misspell my name?
JEREMY: No, your name is spelled correctly, but you're at number two.
DAVIS: WHAT?

Davis grabbed the list.

CARTER: Am I number one?
JOEY: Carter, you're not even on the list.
CARTER: How come?
BEN: It's supposed to be a list full of guys you'd like to get in bed. Everyone's already had you in bed. What would be the point?
CARTER: Ben, you're mean sometimes.
NATHAN: Sometimes?

Davis looked over at me with glaring eyes. This is the moment, I thought.

DAVIS: How the hell did you get number one?

Then all eyes turned on me.

JEREMY: Hank, you're number one?
BILLY: You?
JOEY: Whoa.
NATHAN: That's--
BEN: I don't even...
ELI: Wow.
JACKSON: Congratulations.
CARTER: Want to hang out tomorrow night?

Davis crumpled up the paper, walked into his bedroom, and seconds later we could all hear the sound of glass shattering.

Nobody was paying attention to that though. They were all still looking at me. And they were all thinking the same thing...

JEREMY...Why did I give up on Hank?
BILLY...He's kind of jacked.
JOEY...I wonder if he wears boxers or...
NATHAN...Sex with him was pretty good...
BEN...Did I forget to have sex with him?
ELI...I wonder if he can keep a secret?
JACKSON...Must have him.
CARTER...All the single ladies...all the single ladies...

Well, maybe not all of them.

JEREMY: We should all get going.

Everyone started to put on their ties. I just sat where I was and smiled.

Blackmail never felt so good.

Why Can't We Be Friends...with Benefits

Hi, my name is Joey.

DAVIS: Put on your clothes and get off my bed.

I'm not having much luck lately.

I showed up at Davis' apartment, let myself in using the key under the mat, stripped down to my Spiderman briefs, and waited for him to show up.

In hindsight, it wasn't the best idea.

DAVIS: Are you insane?
ME: No, I'm sexually frustrated.
DAVIS: I have enough people trying to get in bed with me without you adding your name to the list.
ME: What am I supposed to do? Cal's gone. Max and I are broken up. Carter won't return my phone calls--
DAVIS: You've been calling Carter!
ME: I'M DESPERATE!

I've never had to try this hard to get attention. It's turning me into a lunatic.

JEREMY: No way.

See what I mean? I'm even propositioning Jeremy.

We were in the Fish Bowl, and I was trying to find a taker--or a giver--whatever.

ME: Why not?
JEREMY: Joey, I'm too busy for this.
ME: C'mon, aren't you curious?
JEREMY: I'm curious as to why people sit in basements playing Rock Band for hours on end. You, I'm not so curious about. Sorry.

Eli walked into the room just as I was about to take Jeremy by force.

JEREMY: Eli, can you have sex with Joey so he'll stop bugging me?
ELI: Ummm...no.
ME: I hate you both.
ELI: If you're looking to get out some extra energy, you should do Tommy with me.
JEREMY: He means the musical, not some boy named Tommy.
ME: Where are you doing that?
ELI: Fitzy Playhouse.
ME: Community Theater? No thanks.
JEREMY: I'm sorry. When did you turn into Ben Vereen? It might be a good experience. Plus, Eli's right, it'll get your mind out of your pants.
ELI: And onto the stage!

Silence.

ELI: Sorry, I think I jumped on the wrong pep wagon.

I promised Eli I'd consider doing the show, and then headed off to my next class. On the way there, my phone rang.

ME: Hello?
VOICE: Hey Joey.

Oh my God.

ME: Cal! Are you all right?
CAL: It's...um...I can't really talk.
ME: What happened to you? Where have you been?
CAL: Joey, I don't have much time.
ME: Okay. What's going on?
CAL: One of the people we know is very, very dangerous. You need to stay away from them.
ME: Who?
CAL: It's--

But the call cut out. I was walking near the English building, which is notorious for bad service. I tried to find the number he called from, but it was restricted.

So one of the CBQ's was bad news, and Cal knew about it. Did that mean one of them was responsible for his disappearance?

Now I had something to keep me occupied.

I was going to find out what happened to Cal.

Tussle

Hi, my name is Billy.

DAVIS: Are you crashing at my place tonight?
ME: I didn't know you had room for me with Jeremy's bff staying with you.
DAVIS: Ohhhh someone's jealous.

Not only am I jealous, I can't figure out who I'm jealous for...of...whatever.

I've just about given up on Jeremy, and now I'm starting to see Davis in a new light. The way he took charge with the Carter situation was just so...hot.

Now we were back at his apartment, and he was inviting me to spend the night.

This could get sticky.

DAVIS: So are you staying?

...Bad choice of words.

ME: I don't live that far.
DAVIS: Suit yourself.
ME: BUT!

That was way too forceful.

ME: ...I could use a drink.
DAVIS: A real drink?
ME: No, root beer's fine.
DAVIS: Wow.
ME: What?
DAVIS: Nothing. I'm just...meeting a lot of people who like root beer lately.

When we got up to his apartment, someone was waiting for us by the door.

ME: Jeremy?
JACKSON: Try again.
ME: Sorry. I'm getting better at it.
JACKSON: You're really not.
ME: Yeah, you're right.

Davis looked downright furious.

DAVIS: Jackson--you didn't text!
JACKSON: I wanted to be a surprise...Surprise.

Uh, hang on a second.

ME: Why are you here? And why would he text you, Davis? Are you two--?

Just then, the door opened and Ray, Jeremy's friend from New York, poked his head out.

RAY: Are we having a party out here? Cause just an fyi, the liquor's inside.
DAVIS: Yeah, why don't we bring this out of the hallway?

So we all went outside, and Davis took Jackson into the bedroom to have what sounded like a rather loud discussion.

I did manage to catch parts of it.

DAVIS: --we were through?
JACKSON: --tired--sexually frustrated--so what?
DAVIS: --get rid of--Billy.

So much for that chance at happiness. Davis was hooking up with Jackson, which is sooo creepy considering it's basically hooking up with Jeremy, but with a tool instead of a genuinely nice guy...who I happen to hate at the moment.

Ray came into Davis' living room with two glasses.

ME: Thanks, but I don't--
RAY: Root beer, okay?
ME: Wow, good guess.
RAY: What are you talking about? It was the only thing in the fridge that was non-alcoholic.
ME: Oh, well, it'll do.

Ray sat down across from me.

RAY: So did you come here for a tussle?
ME: Excuse me?
RAY: With Davis?
ME: No. I just--wanted a drink.
RAY: So you're not upset that he's been hooking up with your lost love's twin?
ME: I'm upset for Jeremy. He'd be pissed if he found out.
RAY: Are you going to tell him?
ME: Mind if I ask you a question?

He leaned back and crossed his legs like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.

RAY: Fire away.
ME: How long do you plan on staying?
RAY: Until I get what I want.
ME: Which is?
RAY: Take a guess.

I stood up.

ME: Jeremy's not going back to New York. This is his home.
RAY: And do you think he's happy here?
ME: I know he is.
RAY: Yes, why wouldn't he be? With such nice friends. A bunch of bitches who screw everyone but him.
ME: Hey, I wanted to screw him, but he didn't--I mean--never mind!

I picked up my coat and headed for the door.

RAY: If you want him, you better stop playing games.
ME: WHO'S PLAYING? I WANT HIM! HE DOESN'T WANT ME!

Wow, I never heard myself say that out loud before. It was pretty...

It was hard to hear, even coming from me.

ME: He doesn't want me. So...yeah...take him, if you want. Go ahead.
RAY: Oh, you're not even going to put up a fight? Well, that's no fun.

I walked back up to him.

ME: That shirt--is it expensive?
RAY: Of course.
ME: And are you drinking red wine?
RAY: Of course.
ME: Excellent.

I took his glass, threw it on his shirt, and walked out before he could say anything about it.

Maybe I wanted to tussle after all.

Sick as Your Secrets

Hi, my name is Nathan.

BILLY:  Well, the good news is he's not dead.

Apparently, I run Sunshine Cleaners.

CARTER:  Can I go now?

ALL:  No.

How did I wind up in a hotel room cleaning up after another one of Carter's messes?

Well...

Carter called Billy, who called Davis, who changed his status on Facebook to--

"Davis is helping Carter remove a dead body from a hotel room with Billy."

The "...with Billy" caught Ben's eye, so he had to go, which meant I had to go.

DAVIS:  So he's alive?

BILLY:  Yup.

ME:  So then we don't need to be here?

BEN:  Nathan!  Be sensitive.

What he really meant was--"I can't leave when I have such a great opportunity to look like a trooper to Billy."

BILLY:  Who is he?

CARTER:  I don't know.

ME:  Shocker.

CARTER:  Last night is kind of a blur.

DAVIS:  What's the last thing you remember?

CARTER:  Jeremy and Joey dropping me off at home.

BEN:  So how did you wind up here?

CARTER:  I did find  a number in my jeans.

He held up a crumpled piece of paper.  Davis grabbed it out of his hand and typed it into his blackberry.

CARTER:  What are you doing?

DAVIS:  If the homo in that hot tub lives within a three state radius, he'll be in this...

Before he could finish, his eyes got wide.

ME:  What?  What's wrong?

DAVIS:  Billy, help me get out of the tub.

BEN:  You know him?

Davis ran into the bathroom, and we started hearing "Oh shit...OH SHIT!"

BILLY:  What is it?

Davis came back out again.

DAVIS:  Carter, what did you do?

CARTER:  Davis, you're scaring me.

DAVIS:  You should be scared!

He hit the wall with a closed fist.

ME:  Careful!  This is probably a rented room!

Davis walked up to Carter and grabbed him by the shirt.  We all tried to get him off Carter, but he was like a man possessed.

CARTER:  Let meeee go!

DAVIS:  WHAT DID YOU DO?

He let him go, and Carter fell back on the bed along with all of us.  Davis just stood over all of us looking down and shaking his head.

DAVIS:  Inside that hot tub is the only man in New England with more sway than me.

BILLY:  Who's that?

DAVIS:  Adam Setter.

CARTER:  The promoter?

BEN:  Oh shit.

DAVIS:  You have fucked the rhino on this one, Carter.

ME:  So what do you do?

Davis grabbed Billy's hand and helped him off the bed.

DAVIS:  Billy and I are leaving.  I suggest the rest of you do the same.  Carter, anything in this room that can be traced back to you has to be erased or thrown out in the trash can downstairs, you got that?

CARTER:  Eeeee...

DAVIS:  SNAP OUT OF IT!  START CLEANING!

That was when I grabbed Ben and dragged him out of the room.

BEN:  What are you doing?  I didn't even get to say good-bye to Billy!

ME:  Boo hoo!  I'm not hanging around a crime scene so that you can flirt with your crush!

BEN:  Don't forget.  We have a deal.

ME:  How could I forget?

We got into the elevator.

ME:  Ben, this plan isn't going to work.

BEN:  What are you talking about?  It's already worked.

ME:  Huh?

Ben turned to me and smiled.

ME:  What happened?

BEN:  It's more what's going to happen.  At that little banquet for Davis.

ME:  We're going?

BEN:  You bet we are.  That's where you're going to break up with me.

That nearly made me want to climb into the hot tub with Adam.

A Free Man

Hi, my name is Carter.

JEREMY: So...that's it?

I'm a free man.

ME: Yup.
ELI: You're not going to be a father?
ME: Nope.
HANK: So the world's gene pool is safe for another generation.
JEREMY: Congratulations, Carter.

I got the news this morning in a text message.

"I guess I got my dates wrong. You're not the Daddy. Let me know if you want to hang out later. I'm going to Johnny Rockets. Peace."

I was so happy I almost peed. Then I ran to school and burst right into the Fish Bowl.

ME: This means no child support!
HANK: So you can pay back all the money you owe us?
ME: Nooooooo...But I can start going out again! Yay!
JEREMY: So we should plan on a celebration tonight?
ME: Yup! Prisms at eleven. Holler!
ELI: I can't. Early class tomorrow, plus I have rehearsal for my show tonight.
JEREMY: You mean Crapfest Community Theater Showcase?
ELI: Aww--Hate you.
JEREMY: Hate you, too.

Eli took off, but Joey walked in.

ME: Joeyyyyyy, can we go out tonight?
JOEY: Okay. Where are we going?
HANK: Nowhere with me.
ME: C'mon Hank!
HANK: No way. I've had enough gay clubbing to last me a lifetime. Have fun bitches.

Hank left too.

JEREMY: Well, the three of us will still have a good time. And we can always invite other people. We shouldn't worry about being so exclusive.
JOEY: Can I invite Jackson, Ben, and Nathan?
JEREMY: No, they're not cool. Don't even tell them we're doing this.

Later that night at Prisms, I was pretty drunk. Jeremy and Joey were trying to convince me to leave, but I wasn't hearing it.

That's the last thing I remember before waking up in some strange bed.

ME: Joeeeyyyy? Jeremyyyyy?

It looked like I was in some kind of nice hotel room. There was a bathroom next to the bedroom, and the door to it was open a little bit.

I got out of bed, wrapped the sheet around me since I was wearing my happy birthday suit, and peeked into the bathroom.

ME: Helloooooo?

Inside the bathroom was a big old tub, and some guy was laying in it. I went over and tapped him on the shoulder. He looked like he was about my age.

ME: Excuse meee? Can you--?

That's when I noticed he wasn't breathing.

ME: Uh oh.

And freedom had tasted so nice, too.

Nobody Walks Out on Me

Hi, my name is Jackson.

DAVIS: You're saying it's over?

I'm breaking up with Davis.

ME: Davis, I'm not even sure what 'it' was, exactly.

If you call this 'breaking up.'

I met him at his apartment for one of our little trysts, but as soon as we were done trysting I dropped the bomb that he had just gotten his last meal.

He was still laying in bed naked when I broke the news.

DAVIS: I don't believe this.
ME: It's not like you were in love with me or anything.
DAVIS: No, but--I mean--nobody's ever walked out on me.
ME: Didn't Joey?
DAVIS: Yeah, but he's never gotten over it.
ME: And didn't my brother choose Billy over you?
DAVIS: That was different. Your brother had to decide whether he wanted a relationship with me or not. What we have is purely sexual. I've never had anyone tell me they didn't want to have sex with me again.
ME: First time for everything I guess.

I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

ME: Don't take it personally. I get bored easily.
DAVIS: You're bored?
ME: It's been two weeks. Who wouldn't be bored?
DAVIS: But what about the banquet?
ME: I'll still be giving you your award. You're just going to have to find another date.
DAVIS: And what if I decide I'm not going? What if I decide I don't want to help you run RI-TRI anymore from behind the scenes?
ME: Then I'll tell Jeremy about our newly-ended situation.
DAVIS: Wait a second--

I explained things to him while I tied my tie.

ME: I don't need your help running RI-TRI anymore. I've got the gist of it. It isn't exactly the Red Cross, is it?
DAVIS: So you were just sleeping with me until you knew how to run things and then you were going to dump me like you just did because you knew I'd back down rather than have Jeremy find out? This was all part of some plan?
ME: Don't be silly. You're hot. You're well-known. You're a get.
DAVIS: I'm Davis.
ME: You're Davis. And I wanted to know I could get you. And I did. But now I'm done. The other stuff--Well, those were all just happy coincidences.
DAVIS: I don't believe in coincidences.

I finished buckling my belt.

ME: Then I guess I'm just a manipulative, little bitch, aren't I?

Davis jumped out of bed and pushed me up against the wall.

DAVIS: Tell me you don't want me to rip your clothes off right now and have my way with you again.
ME: Jesus, you sound like an episode of One Tree Hill.

I pushed him back and he landed back on his bed.

ME: I'll see you at the banquet. Don't forget. It's black tie.

As I was walking I out I felt a shoe go flying past my head.

Well, c'mon, it's not an exit unless someone's throwing something at you as you go.

Late Night Comfort

Hi, my name is Ben.

BILLY: Ben? You okay?

It's time to move into the final phase of my plan.

I showed up at Billy's dorm at around 1am soaking wet from the rain--thank you, nature, for doing your part--and looking like a lost puppy.

ME: Can I c-c-c-come in?
BILLY: Sure, absolutely.

It was late, but that was the point. I didn't want Billy thinking too clearly. Nostalgia is more potent after midnight.

I sat down on his bed and upped my shaking.

BILLY: Can I get you a blanket?
ME: Actually, could I borrow some dry clothes?
BILLY: Yeah, totally.

This was merely a way to allow me to show some skin--remind him what he used to get regularly.

He handed me a shirt and jeans.

ME: Billy, it's okay. You've seen me naked.
BILLY: Yeah, but now--you and Nathan--

Oh, thank you, for bringing up Nathan.

ME: I just...I just...I'm so unhappy!

I fell into a pile on the floor. It could have been a little much, but Billy was a good soul and lifted me back up onto the bed. I fell back a little hard, causing him to land right on top of me.

We had another intense stare, and I went to move in for the kiss when--

Knock, knock.

ME: Who the hell is that?

Damn. I dropped cover. Thankfully, Billy didn't seem to notice.

BILLY: No clue.

He opened the door.

CARTER: Guess whose drunk?

I'm going to kill him.

CARTER: Meeeeeee!

He walked into the room and fell onto the bed next to me. If he hadn't landed on the pillow, I would have used it to smother him.

BILLY: Carter crashes here sometimes when he goes out and drinks too much.
ME: He can't go crash somewhere more appropriate? A methadone clinic maybe?
CARTER: Hey Ben, why are you here?

I was getting to that, fuckface.

ME: I had a fight with Nathan.
CARTER: Awww, that's too bad. You two are a cute--

He couldn't finish what he was saying, because he promptly threw up over the side of the bed.

BILLY: Don't worry. He's done this before.

And there went the romance.

ME: I'm going to head out.
BILLY: I thought you wanted to talk?

I wanted to do more than talk.

ME: It's cool. We can, um, talk some other time.
CARTER: Owww, stomach.
ME: Good luck with--all this.

I left before Old Faithful could spew again.

In retrospect, I guess it would have been more endearing if I had stayed and helped Billy.

But why overdo it?

Just Like Jeremy

Hi, my name is Davis.

JACKSON:  You're a stallion.

I'm a bad, bad person.

JACKSON:  Can you do that again?

ME:  As long as we have a swivel chair.

My affair with Jackson had progressed to a very unhealthy level.

Evidence?

ME:  Jeremy, we should talk.

JACKSON:  Jackson.

ME:  Huh?

JACKSON:  You did it again.

ME:  I called you Jeremy?

JACKSON:  Yup.

ME:  Oh...sorry.

JACKSON:  It's okay.  Even my Mom does it.  I mean, clearly, not in the same circumstances--

ME:  Jesus.

I need to end this, but the truth is...

I'm really enjoying myself.

For one thing, it's like being able to have sex with your best friend without--you know--actually having sex with your best friend.

JACKSON:  Want me to do the Ashton Kutcher again?

ME:  Where did you learn how to do that?

JACKSON:  I read about it in a blog online.

ME:  Were there diagrams?

JACKSON:  Not everybody can do it.  Being double-jointed helps.

Also, Jackson is like Evil Jeremy--which is really hot.

Knock, knock.

ME:  I'll get it.

JACKSON:  Davis, you're naked and sweaty.

ME:  Do you know what the odds are that whoever's behind that door hasn't seen me this way?

JACKSON:  Get me a soda while you're out there then.

I stopped by the kitchen and grabbed a can of root beer.  I'd never keep that carbonated swill in the house, but Jackson likes it.

I grabbed a Pepsi for myself and then walked to the front door.

ME:  Ahhh!

JEREMY:  Are you reenacting that commercial with the construction worker again?

ME:  I think that was Dr. Pepper.

JEREMY:  Can I come in?

ME:  NO!  I mean...No.

JEREMY:  Good think you clarified.  Entertaining, are we?

ME:  Uh...sure.  Yes.  Sorry.  Sometimes I forget that there's no reason to lie.

JEREMY:  It happens to the best of us.

ME:  How did you know--

JEREMY:  Aside from the nudity and the fact that you're holding two soda cans?

ME:  Oh, right.

JEREMY:  Unless you're into double-fisting.

ME:  Eww!

JEREMY:  It means drinking two drinks at once.

ME:  Oh...Then I should really apologize to that bartender.

Jeremy seemed to be staring.

ME:  So?

JEREMY:  You hate root beer.

ME:  I do.

JEREMY:  So why do you have it?

ME:  The, uh, guest likes it.

JEREMY:  That's weird.

ME:  Why?

JEREMY:  Not that many people like root beer.

ME:  Sure they do.  Lots of people like root beer.

JEREMY:  Nobody under the age of seventy.

ME:  C'mon, root beer is an American institution.

JEREMY:  Only weirdoes like root beer.  My brother likes root beer.

Okay, time to steer him away from the hotspot.

ME:  What's your issue?

JEREMY:  I wanted to know if you're still going to the RI-TRI fundraiser this weekend?

ME:  There's a fundraiser?

JEREMY:  Yes.  Jackson's throwing it.

ME:  So why would I know about it?  I don't know about everyone Jackson does.

JEREMY:  Everything?

ME:  Huh?

JEREMY:  You said everyone.

ME:  Right, and?

JEREMY:  Never mind.  You don't know about the fundraiser?

ME:  Like I said, why would I?

JEREMY:  Because it's in your honor.

ME:  WHAT?

He handed me a flyer.

"AN EVENING HONORING JOHN DAVIS FOR HIS CONTRIBUTION TO THE RHODE ISLAND GAY COMMUNITY."

JEREMY:  I was a little confused.  What exactly have you contributed besides broken hearts and fake phone numbers?

ME:  I have to go.

JEREMY:  To the fundraiser.

ME:  Well, yes, but no.  I have to leave...you.

JEREMY:  Okay.

ME:  I have to throw out my guest.

I closed the door and went back to the bedroom.

ME:  You little fucker.

JACKSON:  Is that my new pet name?

ME:  No, your new pet name is Leaving.

JACKSON:  That doesn't really roll off the tongue.

ME:  Nothing is going to be rolling off your tongue anytime soon.  You signed me up for a fundraiser in my honor without TELLING ME!

JACKSON:  Oh, that.  You don't have to go if you don't want to.

ME:  Then who will you honor?  A blow-up doll of me?

JACKSON:  Do you actually have one of those?

I threw the nearest thing I could find at him, which happened to be a stuffed cheetah.

Don't ask.

JACKSON:  Hey, I thought you'd be, you know, honored.

ME:  Oh God.

JACKSON:  It was going to be a surprise.

ME:  Oh, it was.

JACKSON:  You've just been helping so much with the RI-TRI stuff behind the scenes--

ME:  As part of our bargain.

JACKSON:  --That I thought I'd give you some closure on the issue.

ME:  I had closure.

JACKSON:  Having me throw your ass out of a meeting is not closure, Davis.

I sat down on the edge of the bed.  He started rubbing my shoulders.  I could feel my resolve weakening.

JACKSON:  Say you're not angry.

ME:  I hate you.

JACKSON:  I'll take it.

We started kissing, and I knew I was going to end up at that stupid dinner.

I was just hoping Jackson didn't expect me to be his date.  Otherwise Jeremy would turn my banquet into a bloodbath.

Summer Friends

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

DAVIS: So you've decided to start bromancing me again?

And this is my friend, Davis.

After getting past the cold shoulders we've been giving each other, Davis and I decided we needed a night of bonding at Prisms.

It's not that I was ever mad at Davis. It's just that he knows me better than anyone else, and sometimes that's not such a good thing.

DAVIS: So what are you hiding?

See what I mean?

ME: This summer was a little crazy.
DAVIS: Crazier than when you had to pick me up at the bottom of a fire escape downtown.
ME: And bring you clothing.
DAVIS: Let's not talk about that part.
ME: It just wasn't fun-crazy. Can we leave it at that?
DAVIS: As you wish, Buttercup.

A half hour later, we were talking and laughing just like summer hadn't even happened, which is exactly what I wanted. Carter, Hank, and Joey showed up too.

CARTER: You know, I'm going to need a job since I'm about to be a Daddy.
HANK: Hooking won't get you healthcare. Remember that, Carter.
JOEY: Why don't you become a shotboy? They make good money.
CARTER: I'm not walking around in my underwear while creepy guys grab my ass.
HANK: You mean you don't want to do that AND get paid for it.
DAVIS: Hank makes a good point, Carter.
ME: Don't work here though. They don't give you nearly enough sick time.

While we were discussing employment options, I felt someone tap me on the shoulder.

VOICE: Hey stranger.

Uh oh.

I turned around to see someone who has no business being outside of New York.

ME: Hey Ray.
RAY: Surprised?
ME: I'm nothing but surprised these days.
RAY: I was in the area and I remembered you telling me about this place.
ME: Why were you in the area?
RAY: To see you. Why else?

The boys didn't take long to notice my conversation.

DAVIS: And who is this handsome fella?
RAY: I'm Ray. I'm one of Jeremy's friends from New York.
HANK: So you're the reason he didn't call for three months?
RAY: I'm one of the reasons.
JOEY: How did you two meet?
RAY: It's a long story.
DAVIS, CARTER, HANK, and JOEY: We've got time.

I shot Ray a pleading look. He then shot me back a 'Fine, but this isn't over' look.

RAY: Maybe another time. I'm beat.
DAVIS: Where are you staying?
RAY: I was going to get a hotel room.
DAVIS: Don't be silly. You're a friend of a friend's. You can stay with me.
RAY: I couldn't.
ME: He really couldn't.
DAVIS: But I love house guests.
HANK: He really does.

Ray smiled. I immediately felt my stomach turn over at least four times.

DAVIS: C'mon.
RAY: Well...Why not? It'll save me some money. Besides, I'm not going to be in town long anyway.
CARTER: What are you here to do?

This is where I got the sly look that haunted most of my summer.

RAY: I'm here to take care of some unfinished business.

Spotted: Georgina Sparks' male doppleganger--right here in Providence.

Eli the Star

Hi, my name is Eli.

ME:  Where's my dressing room?  Laughter, but seriously.  I'm an artist.  LIES!  Hahaha--okay then.

I've decided to take on community theater.

After not being taken seriously at school, it seemed only reasonable to say fuck the poh-lice (the poh-lice being my professors slash directors slash jerk-offs) and make my star shine somewhere else.

NATHAN:  I feel cheesy just standing here.

BEN:  Ditto.

ME:  Guys!  Be positive.

BEN:  Eli, never tell a gay man to be positive.

NATHAN:  Is Guffman showing up anytime soon?

ME:  If you're just going to be mean, why did you come?

NATHAN:  Are you kidding?

BEN:  For the comedic value.

The audition was being held in a hall that would normally be used for retirement parties and bar mitzvahs.  But tonight, it was going to be rocking.

The auditions were for The Who's Tommy.

NATHAN:  How are they going to do the molestation scene in a church basement?

VOICE:  The show's not here.

We all turned around to see a guy our age standing near the stage.

RANDOM GUY:  I've done a few shows with this company.  They perform at a local high school.

BEN:  It just keeps getting better.

The random guy was pretty interesting.  Tattoos, piercings, good wardrobe--I might be in trouble here.  Time to psych this guy out with some scare tactics.

ME:  So you're auditioning?  Because I hear the director's a total douche.

ROCKER GUY:  No, I'm not auditioning.

Thank God.

ROCKER GUY:  I'm directing.

Fuck me.

BEN:  Way to go, Olivier.  Why don't you insult his mother while you're at it?

The Director laughed.  Maybe I hadn't killed my chance yet.

ROCKER BOY:  I'm Skyler.  Nice to meet you.

Nathan leaned over and whispered to me.

NATHAN:  He's kind of cute.

ME:  I wouldn't know.

NATHAN:  I hope you sound more convincing at your audition.

Skyler clapped his hands.

SKYLER:  Okay, everybody!  We're starting in a minute.

Ben and Nathan both gave me a pat on the back.

ME:  Are you guys leaving me here?

NATHAN:  We've seen enough.

ME:  What about being supportive friends?

BEN:  Awww, you're funny.

NATHAN:  Break yourself, fool.

They left and the audition commenced.  I actually did pretty well.  After staying till the end, Skyler called me over.

SKYLER:  You know, normally I'd call after talking things over with the board, but I'd like to offer you the role right now.

ME:  The role of Dancer #3?

SKYLER:  Noooo.  The role of Tommy.

ME:  Wait, but, the show's called Tommy.

SKYLER:  Yeah...You know that's good, right?

ME:  YEAH!

Finally, someone who appreciates my talent.

SKYLER:  Do you want to go get a drink or something to celebrate?

ME:  You know, I would, but I have to call everyone I know and gloat.

SKYLER:  It's cool.  I'm just glad there's someone working on this show whose gay besides me.

And he walked away.

...I meant to correct him, but...

Why mess with success?

Hank at Red Lobster

Hi, my name is Hank.

WILDE: Let's talk.

I have a secret.

For the past three months, I've been the only person in the state who knows the identity of its most famous gay blogger.

And now it was time to strike a deal.

WILDE: What do you want?

I had arranged to meet him in a place nobody would see us.

Red Lobster.

ME: I'll tell you what I want.
WILDE: What makes you so sure I'm going to give it to you?
ME: Because if everybody finds out whose been talking shit about them on a statewide blog for the past two years than you might as well throw yourself off a cliff.
WILDE: Okay, what do you want?

I had thought a lot about this.

ME: I want to be the It Boy.
WILDE: Excuse me?
ME: You can make or break people. I want to be made.
WILDE: Do you want me to make you a tap dancer too?
ME: Hey--
WILDE: How about head cheerleader?
ME: Listen, I'm the one holding all the cards here.

Wilde leaned in over his popcorn shrimp.

WILDE: How do you know people would believe you if you told them who I was?
ME: Because I'm a good person who never lies. Now, are you going to do what I want or do I have to keep blackmailing you?
WILDE: What exactly do you want me to say?

I pushed a piece of paper across the table to him.

He picked it up, scanned it, and then locked his eyes on mine.

WILDE: 'The Boy to Bed?' Are you serious?
ME: Just print it, Hedda.

I could see hatred in his eyes, but I didn't care. This was my ticket to Happytown.

WILDE: Fine.

See? Magical things can happen at Red Lobster.

Joey and the Other Man

Hi, my name is Joey.

ME: What is he doing in the Fish Bowl?

My ex-boyfriend is sitting in my sacred space.

BILLY: You didn't hear?
ME: Hear what? What was there to hear? There was hearing to be done?
HANK: Calm down, twink.
ME: What happened?
ELI: Max converted.
ME: He's straight now? Yay!
NATHAN: He's a theater major.
ME: What? Boo!

We were all standing outside the lounge. The only one in there with Max was Jackson, who Max seemed to be telling some kind of story to which involved flamboyant hand gestures.

ME: He's like an awful pirate.
BILLY: How--
ME: Never mind.
BEN: Just go in there and talk to him.
HANK: You're going to have to get used to him.
ME: I am used to him! I just don't want to see him ever!

Just then, Jackson got up and walked out of the Fish Bowl.

ME: Jackson, what happened?
JACKSON: He was telling me a story.
ME: Why didn't you kill him?
JACKSON: Is that what you do at this school when someone tells you a story?
ME: When an evil ex-boyfriend does--
ALL: Yes!

Jackson shrugged.

The door opened again and this time Max came out.

MAX: Well, I see you're already trying to blacklist me.
ME: Max--
MAX: Don't speak. It's my turn to speak. I was going to keep this to myself like we agreed, but since you're determined to be a dickhead--
ME: You're the one who suddenly loves theater!
MAX: Of course I love theater! I do drag, you cream puff!

Gasps all around. Just what I hate--public spectacle.

MAX: Maybe you'd all be interested to know that Joey cheated on me.
HANK: Is that all? He cheats on everyone.
ELI: Sorry Max. You can't date a chicken and then get mad when he flies.
NATHAN: Eli, that's--
BEN: Never mind.

Max smiled. He was going for the "Kill" button.

MAX: Does he always cheat with Cal?

Everyone turned on me.

ALL: WHAT?

I hadn't want this to come out. Before Cal disappeared, he and I had connected. It happened one night when we were both online instant messaging.

I think it's safe to say that AIM has caused a lot of adultery.

ME: ...He invited me over, and it just happened.
BILLY: Of course it did. You were hanging out with Cal.
ELI: That's like saying 'I was hanging out with a penguin and he just--'
NATHAN: Flew?
ELI: No, penguins can't fly.

Carter walked in at that moment.

CARTER: Hey guyyyys. What's up?
HANK: Joey had an affair with Cal.
CARTER: Oh. So where is he?
JACKSON: Good question, Carter. Joey, what did happen to Cal? Nobody's heard from him in weeks, and he hasn't shown up to any of his classes.

This is where I feel awful. Because I know something, but I can't tell, but I don't have a choice because I can't handle pressure.

ME: He's...um...

All eyes were on me. I had to lie.

ME: He's dead.
ALL: WHAT?

Okay, maybe another lie would have worked better.

Billy in the Ballroom

Hi, my name is Billy.

JOEY:  So I didn't need to wear tap shoes?

ME:  Joey, this is ballroom dancing.  Why did you think you'd be tapping?

I don't know what I was thinking.

When you need another class so you can meet minimum credit requirements and all that fits into your schedule is Introduction to Ballroom Dancing, you have to talk someone else into taking it with you.

And Joey was the only person dumb enough to agree.

JOEY:  Should I change?

ME:  It's okay.  You'll just make lots of noise.

JOEY:  I am trying to be more vocal.

At least I won't wind up with some strange partner.

PROFESSOR HIGHSMITH:  All right, everyone!  Find the person that matches the number I gave you.

Joey and I don't match.

So much for not dancing with a stranger.

I look across the room and the crowd seems to part as I see another familiar--yet not so friendly--face.

JEREMY:  We match.

ME:  For that you'd have to shop somewhere nice.

JEREMY:  She must be really progressive if she matched up two boys.

ME:  She's just half-blind.  I was hoping to dance with Joey.

JEREMY:  Sounds like fun if you want to sound like Savion Glover while you foxtrot.

The professor was about fifty, and she stood up on a box in the middle of the gym as we began to take our positions around her.

PROFESSOR:  Grasp your partner firmly!

This was going to be downright magical.

After some more instructions, Jeremy and I were moving around the floor.

It seemed so strange.  Just a few months ago, we were on the verge of falling in love, and now we were treating each other like Taylor and that Jonas kid on New Year's Rockin' Eve.

JEREMY:  I'm stepping on your feet.

ME:  I'm aware.

Joey tapped by us.  He was paired with a rather large girl with short arms.

I leaned over and whispered to him.

ME:  How you doing?

JOEY:  She smells like shoe polish.

Curious, considering she was barefoot.

JEREMY:  Look, maybe I should explain--

ME:  Dip me.

JEREMY:  You don't dip in a foxtrot.

ME:  Why not?  Be creative.

JEREMY:  Fine.

He dipped me and nearly knocked me into an oncoming couple.

JEREMY:  Happy now?

ME:  Very.

Jeremy softened a bit, and we moved off to the far side of the gym.

ME:  Shouldn't we stay close to the professor?

JEREMY:  I need to talk to you.

ME:  Why?  Do you need to put a curse on me?

JEREMY:  Can you please stop acting like I hate you?

ME:  I don't care if you hate me.  I only care if you like me, which you don't.

JEREMY:  I do!

ME:  Then why?

JEREMY:  It's complicated.

ME:  Of course, it's complicated.  Everything's complicated.  We're two gay men doing a foxtrot.  Life is complicated!

I broke away and started walking back towards the professor who was yelling out to Joey.  He seemed to have broken into a routine from 42nd Street.

Rhumba music began.

I felt Jeremy pull me back into him.

JEREMY:  Don't walk away yet.

ME:  I wasn't the one who walked away.

We started dancing again.

JEREMY:  I came back.

ME:  You shouldn't have if you loved New York so much.

JEREMY:  I couldn't love New York.  I like it here.

ME:  Why?

JEREMY:  Because you can never know New York.  Not all of it.  It's too big.  Too many hidden spots.  Too many traps that are just waiting there for you to fall into them.  I don't know if you can truly love something unless you can know all of it--and love all of it--the good and the bad.

I felt his face moving closer to mine.

ME:  Is that why you called it quits?  Because you don't know all of me?

JEREMY:  No.  I know every part of you, and I love every part.  But you can't say the same for me, and you know that.

This time when I broke away, I didn't let him pull me back.

I walked right to the door, but he walked in front of me.

ME:  Move.

JEREMY:  Billy, this isn't easy.

ME:  Knocking you out of the way will be.

JEREMY:  You don't--

I got back in his face, but this time it wasn't a tender moment.

ME:  You were wrong.

JEREMY:  I--

ME:  When you said you know every part of me.

JEREMY:  That was--

ME:  You don't.  Oh, trust me, you don't.

I smiled at him.

ME:  You don't know the part of me that loves it when a guy bites down a little on my lower lip when he's kissing me.  You don't know how small all the underwear is I was planning on modeling for you when you got back.  You don't know how my heart races when I used to think of you late at night in bed--

JEREMY:  Billy, we're in class.

ME:  Fuck class, fuck the foxtrot, and fuck you.

JEREMY:  Since when do you swear?

I started running my hand up his chest.

ME:  You don't know the part of me that wants to have sex in a hammock.

JEREMY:  A hammock?  That's so dangerous.

ME:  You don't know the part of me that used to shoplift, or hated my body, or couldn't speak without stammering, but I'm not stammering anymore.  And you don't need to know those parts, do you, Jeremy?  You only need to know the sweet little kid with a cute facebook picture that you can love when you want and then cast off when you find out he's actually an adult with problems and history and hidden spots and traps just like New York, who doesn't fit quite so easily on the pedestal you put him on, right?  You just wanted people to click on some link and see that you got me.  You won the challenge.  You didn't want a boyfriend; you wanted a trophy.  And when you went off and found some that were shinier than I was, I suddenly wasn't good enough.

JEREMY:  That's not true.

ME:  Oh, yes it is.  Funnily enough, it is.  Because I am a trophy.  And I'm going to make someone really happy one day, because when I meet him, I'm going to cater to all his parts.

JEREMY:  Please don't do this.

ME:  You didn't love me.  You loved a fairy tale.  You loved a facebook picture.  You loved an angel, Jeremy, and I'm just a guy.  I'm sorry I couldn't have been perfect.  I know it would have made life so much easier for you.

JEREMY:  Billy--

ME:  Good-bye.

I walked out of the room, and just as I did--

The music stopped.

Nathan's Plan

Hi, my name is Nathan.

HANK:  So are you going to get drunk or are you just going to stare at my pretty face all night long?

Hank took me out for drinks, while Ben was busy continuing to try and get in Billy's pants.

The plan was in full motion, but I still didn't feel right about it.  Now that school had started again, I decided I needed a friend to hang out with in case things got to be too much.

And Hank's always good for a night on the town.

HANK:  So how are things with the reunited lovebirds?

ME:  It definitely doesn't feel so good.

HANK:  Then what's the point?

ME:  Good question.

I had promised Ben to keep the plan to myself, but it wasn't easy.  And the more I drank, the harder it became.

By the end of the night, I was a mess.  Somehow I wound up on some sort of box with no shirt on, and Hank trying to get me down.

HANK:  Come on, kitten, come down from the tree.

ME:  I'm living, Hank!

HANK:  That's not living.  That's skanking.

I felt a massive hand, and then I was over Hank's shoulder.

Hank carried me up to the coat check, and then out of the club.  He put me down in his back seat.

At that moment, he felt like my best friend.

So I told him.

ME:  Ben and I made a deal.

HANK:  What kind of a deal?

ME:  Don't hit the curves so hard.

HANK:  Fine, fine.  But keep talking.

ME:  The deal was...if I agreed to break up with him in two weeks, he'd let me keep our apartment, and he wouldn't break up with me.

HANK:  What difference does it make who breaks up with who?

ME:  Because!  Nobody wants to date the guy who got broken up with!  You gotta be on the offensive, Hankie Baby.

I was really plastered.  Hank's back seat was looking oh so ready to receive my vomit.

HANK:  If you throw up back there, I throw you out my window.

ME:  It's all because of Billy.

HANK:  What?

ME:  Billy!  Ben wants Billy back and he thinks if Billy sees me shatter his heart that he'll feel so bad for him he'll take him back.

HANK:  Actually, that's not a bad plan.

ME:  I hate it.  I have to lie to everybody.  I have to lie to Billy, who I like, but not in that way that Ben does.  And in two weeks I'm going to be a single loser just like you.

HANK:  I'm going to write that off as drunk-talk.

ME:  I just want to die.  I don't want to do this plan anymore.

We got to my apartment, and I was back over Hank's shoulder going up the stairs and being deposited in front of my door.

It opened, and Ben appeared.

BEN:  I see you two had a good time.

HANK:  I'd get him into a cold shower if I were you.

BEN:  He hasn't been shooting off his mouth, has he?

Hank looked down at me.

HANK:  He kept telling me he loves me.  Does that count?

BEN:  Aw Hank, who doesn't love you?

HANK:  Oh, you never know.

He started walking back to the stairs.

HANK:  I'm not always Mr. Nice Guy.

This is going to bite me later.

I can feel it.

Carter in Exile

Hi, my name is Carter.

JEREMY: Hey Big Daddy.

I'm going to be a father.

JEREMY: I'm here to lift your exile.

I've never been so happy to see Jeremy in my life. But for a second, I was a little anxious. He and his brother really do look identical.

When he found me, I was sitting the Dining Center eating lunch by myself, like I usually do now. My friends from last year won't even talk to me.

Jeremy gave me a big hug, and sat down across from me.

JEREMY: So when's the baby coming?
ME: Christmas.
JEREMY: Ho ho ho.
ME: Look, if you're going to make fun of me too--
JEREMY: I was referring to Santa, Carter.
ME: Oh...Santa's a ho? Ohhhhhh! Never mind.

Towards the end of school last year, I went to a party and got really wasted. When I woke up, I was lying naked in a bed with some girl I'd only met that night.

And now I'm going to have a kid. A little meeeeeeee.

JEREMY: So how come nobody's talking to you anymore?
ME: They said they were sick of me being a fuck-up.
JEREMY: But they're all fuck-ups, too. They just hide it better.
ME: I know, but when I get mad I can't express my thoughts. So when they told me to get lost, I just did.
JEREMY: You didn't get very far. The theater department is only a few buildings down.
ME: Sometimes I like to look through the glass into the world of my former life.
JEREMY: Have you been writing bad poetry again?
ME: It's not all bad.

I didn't tell Jeremy about what his brother did. How Jackson tried to get me in bed when he first got to town, and how when I didn't let him because he reminded me of Jeremy and Jeremy's like a brother to me and that would be just ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww how Jackson got mad and then everyone got mad and I think Jackson had something to do with it but I can't--

JEREMY: Earth to Carter?
ME: Sorry. I was rambling.
JEREMY: Rambling in your own head? That should be the title of my autobiography. Come on.

He grabbed my hand.

ME: Where are we going?
JEREMY: Didn't you hear what I said when I sat down? We're reinstating you as a CBQ.
ME: They won't--
JEREMY: Let me handle those little bitches.

We walked over to the theater building. Everyone was sitting in the Fish Bowl--Ben, Billy, Nathan, Eli, Joey, Hank, and Jackson.

Jeremy's twin had transferred into the department from whatever school he was at before, but I think this was the first Jeremy knew of it because--

JEREMY: Don't tell me Clone goes to school here now.
ME: Jeremy, it might be better to talk about this calmly.
JEREMY: I'm calm as a fucking cucumber, Carter, now shut up.
ME: Wow, you're like a real New Yorker now.
JEREMY: Watch and learn.

We walked into the Fish Bowl with Jeremy still holding my hand.

JEREMY: Carter meet everyone, everyone meet Carter.
BEN: Uh, we know him.
JEREMY: Oh really? Then why was he sitting alone at the Dining Center?
HANK: Because we don't want to know him anymore.
JEREMY: Tough. He's back. Deal with it.

Nathan stood up.

NATHAN: Oh, so you can force us to hang out with people now?
JEREMY: No, but I can stop hanging out with all of you.
BEN: Fine. Take a hike.
JEREMY: Oh, so now Sonny and Cher are banishing me, too?

Hank got between Jeremy and Sonny and--I mean Ben and Nathan.

HANK: Jeremy, don't do this. Don't get yourself in trouble for Carter.
JEREMY: Carter is one of us. He's our friend. And he may not be perfect. He may be dirty, and ditzy, and a moocher, but he's still our friend. And he's not any more of a dick than we are. We don't just toss each other aside when we're pissed at each other, especially not when one of us is going through a hard time. That's not how things work. You want cliques? Go back to junior high. We're adults. You should all start acting like it.

Eli stood up.

ELI: You know, ever since you got back from New York you think you can just boss everyone around like you're better than all of us?
JEREMY: Oh Eli, didn't you get the memo? I am better than a closet-case cocksucker Miley-wannabe.

Eli went to punch Jeremy, but I went to block him and took the punch instead. I went down hard. Pretty soon everyone was standing over me.

JOEY: Carter, can you hear me?
HANK: Carter, can you see me?
BILLY: Carter, can you touch--never mind.

The room seemed to be spinning. Hank managed to get me to my feet by pulling me up by the neck like a puppy. He sat me down on the couch.

Jeremy was pointing at Jackson.

JEREMY: You had something to do with this.
JOEY: Jeremy, don't be insane. Jackson never did anything.
JEREMY: Oh, so now you know my brother better than I do?

Billy shoved Jeremy.

BILLY: We don't need to know him. He was here. We were here. You were the one who wasn't here. So you don't have a right to say anything.

Billy stormed out of the Fish Bowl. Ben and Nathan went after him. Eli got in Jeremy's face.

ELI: You and I are done. You understand me? Done.
JEREMY: I'll cry later.

Eli left the room. Then Jackson stood up.

JACKSON: You're losing all your allies, Clone.
ME: Is that your nickname for each other?
JEREMY: That's my nickname for him. He stole it. Just like he tries to steal everything.
JOEY: Jeremy, stop.
HANK: This is stupid.
JEREMY: Carter's back, Jackson. End of story.
JACKSON: Fine, what do I care?

That got me mad.

ME: You cared when I wouldn't sleep with you.

It was like it all happened so fast. I said what I said, then Hank said--

HANK: Jackson, you tried to sleep with--

Then Jeremy grabbed Jackson and pushed him up against the glass. I thought it was going to shatter and the two of them were going to go right through it.

JEREMY: Don't you ever come near my friends again? Do you hear me?

Jackson just smiled.

JACKSON: It's a little too late for that, Clone.

Hank and Joey grabbed Jeremy and pulled him out of the lounge, but he was yelling at the top of his lungs.

JEREMY: What do you mean? WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S TOO LATE?

Jackson sat back down, still smiling.

And me? I passed out.

Jackson

Hi, my name is Jackson.

DAVIS:  Well, if it isn't the Pariah.

I don't believe we've met.

ME:  Can I come in?

DAVIS:  Can I say 'No'?

ME:  You can say it, but it doesn't mean I'll listen.

DAVIS:  By all means.

I decided to visit Davis at his loft to make sure there were no hard feelings after what happened at the RI-TRI meeting.  The other queers on the board may not realize it, but without Davis there was no RI-TRI, like it or not.

Plus, I had some other plans for the King of Providence.

ME:  You going to offer me a drink?

DAVIS:  I keep forgetting how much you're not like your brother.

ME:  I'm surprised you recognized me when I showed up.

DAVIS:  You don't smile like Jeremy.

ME:  How do I smile?

DAVIS:  Like you've caught whatever mouse Jeremy hasn't.

ME:  I like that.

Davis and I sat down on the couch.

ME:  I'll tell you why I came.

DAVIS:  Please do.  What drink would you like?

ME:  It doesn't matter what I drink.  It matters what you drink.

DAVIS:  Why?

ME:  Because I want you pleasant so we can talk business.

DAVIS:  I can talk business without being pleasant.

ME:  Fine.  Then I want you pleasant so we can have fun after we talk business.

He laughed.

DAVIS:  Are you hitting on me?

ME:  Haven't you ever wanted to see Jeremy naked?

DAVIS:  What makes you think I haven't?

ME:  I know my brother.

DAVIS:  Good, then maybe you can explain him to me.

He got up and went into the kitchen to make my drink, I assumed.

DAVIS:  Ever since he got back from New York, he's been acting strange.

ME:  He's always strange.

DAVIS:  Don't go bashing him.

ME:  Who's bashing?

DAVIS:  What's the business?

I stood up.

ME:  I want you to help me with RI-TRI.

DAVIS:  Fat chance.

ME:  Are you referring to the Vice-Chair?

DAVIS:  Paola has a glandular problem.

ME:  I want you to be Vice-Chair.

DAVIS:  You want me to demote myself after I've already quit?  Are you insane?

ME:  I want you to do what's best for the greater good.

DAVIS:  I am the greater good.  There is no greater good than me.

ME:  Is that your mantra?

DAVIS:  That's a fact.

I approached him.  He handed me my drink.

ME:  I'll tell you what.  You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

DAVIS:  No thanks.  I don't like boys who leave claw marks.

He walked back over to the couch.  This was going to be trickier than I thought, but I knew where he held his aces.

ME:  I can find out what's going on with Jeremy.  I can figure out what happened in New York.

DAVIS:  Get off it, Jackson.  He doesn't talk to you.

ME:  If I take the mouse out of my mouth first he does.

Davis smiled.  I walked over and stood over him.

ME:  Help me with RI-TRI, and I'll have your best friend back to normal in no time.

DAVIS:  You think that's worth me humiliating myself?

ME:  Well, I'm willing to throw in something else to sweeten the deal.

I climbed onto his lap and put my arms around his neck.

DAVIS:  Jackson--

ME:  Tell me to get off and I will.

DAVIS:  This isn't right.

ME:  Tell me to get off and--

DAVIS:  Telling you to get off might give you an even worse idea.

There was a knock on the door.

ME:  Maybe that's Jeremy now.

DAVIS:  Jesus Christ.

He pushed me off him and went to the door.  It was even better than Jeremy.

BILLY:  Hey Davis, sorry but I had to talk and--

He caught sight of me and I waved.

BILLY:  Jeremy?

DAVIS:  Jackson.  You'll learn to tell the difference.

ME:  I'm the one who looks like I've gotten what I wanted.

Davis turned back to Billy.

BILLY:  Oh, well, hi Jackson.  Um, is this--

ME:  A bad time?  Worse.  It's an awful time.  We were just doing RI-TRI stuff.

BILLY:  Davis, I thought you quit RI-TRI.

ME:  I was trying to talk him into coming back onto the board.

BILLY:  Is it working?

ME:  I don't know, Davis.  Is it?

Davis looked at me, then back at Billy.

DAVIS:  You'd better come back later, Billy.  Or maybe just call.

BILLY:  Oh...um...sure.

Billy took off and Davis closed the door.

ME:  Does this mean we have a deal?

DAVIS:  Start stripping.  I'll meet you in the bedroom.

He started unbuttoning his shirt and went into the next room.

It seems my brother and I were about to have one less thing in common.

I was going to get one more thing he wanted.

Ben's Old Flame

Hi, my name is Ben.

ME: Can I talk to you for a second?

You probably already know my ex-boyfriend, Billy.

BILLY: Sure.

We used to date.
Bad break-up.
He hates my guts now.

The usual.

ME: We can use Dr. Invisible's Office.

Dr. Invisible is what we call the professor who does not reside in Office 121 in the Theater building at school. For some reason, nobody's ever occupied that office, and it's usually the go-to place for private meetings, like the one I was about to have with Billy.

I'd been planning all summer for this. It was the start of a plan to get back the one that got away, and what better day to start than the first of school.

ME: Excited to be a sophomore?
BILLY: Actually I think sophomore year is the worst. You're not new anymore, but you're not exactly wise either.
ME: You don't think you've gotten any wiser?
BILLY: Considering I just spent the summer waiting for a boy who told me he didn't want to be with me as soon as he got back? No, I don't feel very wise.

I shut the door of the office. Billy leaned against the desk that's never used, and I sat down next to him, leaving enough space so that he wouldn't feel uncomfortable.

Listen and learn, boys and girls.

ME: Jeremy can be a real idiot.
BILLY: I think I'm the idiot.
ME: Why do you say that?
BILLY: Come on, Ben. Guys only want me until they get me and then they get sick of me.
ME: What are you talking about?

He looked at me.

ME: I didn't get sick of you.
BILLY: Then why did we break up?
ME: Because I'm as big of an idiot as Jeremy is.
BILLY: I guess that's possible.

I laughed, and then inched a little closer to him.

ME: The reason I wanted to talk to you is because...Um....Well, this is a little embarrassing, but...

He nodded his head sweetly to show me he was already being supportive.

God, I just wanted to throw him down on the desk and rip his clothes off.

Patience, I told myself.

ME: I think Nathan is cheating on me.

Billy fell off the desk--literally.

I helped him up, glad to see my confession had the desired effect. This whole plan would only work if Nathan didn't screw up his end of it, but I'd spent the entire summer prepping him, so it didn't seem likely that he would.

BILLY: How do you know this?
ME: A boyfriend knows.
BILLY: Have you asked him?
ME: How can I?
BILLY: Say--'Hey Ho, you cheatin'?'
ME: I'm afraid if I confront him with it, he'll leave me.
BILLY: And that would be bad?
ME: Billy, I can't be alone. It would kill me.
BILLY: So you're going to stay with someone who's cheating on you?
ME: What choice do I have?

Billy took a deep breath. Then he put his hand on my shoulder. Sympathy--oh how glorious it felt.

BILLY: Well, whatever you decide to do, I'm here for you.
ME: Thanks. That means a lot.
BILLY: I know you and I haven't...I know things have been rough, but I don't think anybody deserves to have their heart stepped on. I hope you change your mind about staying with him if he's cheating on you.
ME: Maybe I'll get the courage to, if I have enough friendly support.

Billy laughed and gave me a hug. I waited for about three seconds, and I pulled away slowly so I could look in his eyes.

Bingo.

We had one of those intense, heated stares where you want to kiss and then--

ME: I should go.
BILLY: Uh...yeah.
ME: Thanks. For everything.
BILLY: No problem.
ME: Sure thing.

I left the office. As soon as I turned away from Billy, I started smiling. I couldn't help it. The kid's sweet, but oh so predictable. He's got a savior complex. One so bad I'm surprised he doesn't walk around with a life vest just in case.

As soon as I figured that out, it became so clear how I could get him back.

I'd just throw myself in trouble, and wait for him to come rescue me.

Davis and the Gay Rhode Island Revolution

Hi, my name is Davis.

ME:  I hate gay people.

This speech was bound to get me in trouble.

I was standing before the RI-TRI board in our office downtown after a disastrous summer, both personally and professionally.

Not only was my best friend in New York for its duration, but every event that RI-TRI sponsored went over about as well as full disclosure on a first date.

ME:  We need to dismantle this organization.

Uproar, of course.  Leave it to the administrative gays to get melodramatic.  Most of them are just pretending they're Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest circa the Pepsi boardroom scene.

This was why I wanted a gavel.  Sometimes you need to bang something to get people to pay attention to you.  That also happens to be a personal philosophy.

JARED:  Davis, I think it's a little premature to talk about--

ME:  You would know about premature, wouldn't you, Jared?

More uproar.  We were going to be there all night.

ME:  Listen, everybody.  I know you've all seen Milk, and you're filled with gay spirit, but hear me out.  This organization is built on and for the gay community in Rhode Island.  Well, news flash, there is no community.  There's no community.  There's no friendship.  There's no interpersonal communicative bullshit of any kind.  All we have are a bunch of catty bitches who sleep with each other and then gossip behind each other's backs.  And you want to organize these people?  You want them to have some sort of say?  They haven't earned it.

This time I thought one of the little queers was going to hop up onto the boardroom table and go after me.

It wouldn't be the first time.

JARED:  You're our leader.  You're the King.  You're supposed to be the head of this organization.

ME:  Is this when I say 'pass?'

JARED:  You're supposed to be heading up the revolution.

Did he just say "revolution?"

ME:  Revolution?  You want a revolution?

JARED:  Yes.

ME:  A revolution from what?  From sleeping around?  From spreading rumors?  From drinking too much and throwing up in the street?  You want a revolution from all that?

JARED:  No.

ME:  Well, that's what you should want.  You should want to better yourselves.

Cue Little Shop of Horrors music.

ME:  Yes, better yourselves.  Learn to speak properly.  Stop spending every night at Prisms.  Read a book.  Watch CNN.  Be involved in the world community and maybe then you'll earn the right to have one of your own.  Stop acting like little girls--only caring about how cute boys are and what the newest Beyonce single is.  Dress like you want to get hired for a job, not get laid in a back alley.  Ease off the coke.  Knock off the crying when your lover leaves you for a twink, and instead say--'Good riddance.'  While we're on the subject, stop dating little boys--that's called pedophilia.  Stop spending money on shirts from Banana and Gap, and start spending them on diction coaches and subscriptions to The New York Times.  Don't make out with people in public.  I don't care if straight people do it; it's tacky when they do it, too.  Get real jobs.  Get better values.  Get with it.  Then you can get yourselves a revolution.  Not before.

I started packing up my things.

JARED:  Big speech coming from someone who embodies everything he just ridiculed.

ME:  People change.

JARED:  Have you?

ME:  I don't need to.  I'm not the one asking for a miracle.

JARED:  Oh, isn't that--

ME:  RI-TRI is now dismantled.  It's dead.  We can no longer afford the rent for this office and all your terms are up by the end of the month, which means you can either keep pounding away at this corpse looking for a heartbeat, or you can exit gr

acefully and come back when the gay men and women of this state are ready for you.  It's up to you, boys.  I'm out.

I walked to the office door to make my grand exit.

When--

JACKSON:  Is this the RI-TRI meeting?

ME:  Jackson, what are you doing here?

JACKSON:  I was hoping to join the board.

ME:  The board is defunct.

JARED:  No, we're not!  We're totally funct.

ME:  I changed my mind.  They're funct all right.

Jackson went to my seat and sat down.

JACKSON:  I actually ran the San Diego LGBT.

JARED:  You ran it?

ME:  Into the ground?

JACKSON:  Very funny.  The SDLGBT was one of the most successful in the country under my leadership.

ME:  You're going to have to go a little slower, Jackson.  Most of the boys are probably still trying to figure out what SDLGBT stands for.

JARED:  Jackson, we've actually just lost a President.  Would you be--

ME:  You haven't lost a President!  You've lost your organization.

JARED:  Not if Jackson can turn us around.

JACKSON:  I could give it a shot.

ME:  Jackson, I hate to do a speech twice, but--

JACKSON:  No need.  I heard it outside.

ME:  And?

Jackson stood and faced me.

JACKSON:  Mine's a little shorter.  Give me your poor, your tired, your shirtless, your cokewhores, your tacky bitches, your gossip queens, your barflies, your clubrats, your shallow, and your catty.  Give 'em all to me, Davis.  I'll take 'em.  And I'll make them into something bigger and better than you could have ever imagined.

A cheer erupted in the room.  I thought they were going to put Jackson on their shoulders and carry him out like a big gay Rudy...or just like Rudy.

ME:  What would that bigger better thing be?  An American Eagle franchise?

JACKSON:  Just you wait, Davis.  Just you wait.

He turned and faced the room.

JACKSON:  Should we make the rest of this meeting closed?

JARED:  I second that.

JACKSON:  See you later, Davis.

I should have been glad to leave, but I wasn't.  I swore they'd regret this.

Nobody throws John Davis out of a boardroom.

And this wasn't my first time at the rodeo.

Welcome Back, Jeremy

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

VOICE: Final stop--Providence.

I'm home.

--This is Wilde reporting on one of our homeboys making his fantastic return from the city that never sleeps to the city that's always hung-over. Good to see you again, Jeremy. Although I don't know if everyone will be so pleased... --

Leave it to Wilde. I was already nervous to begin with before--

VOICE: Hey Big Apple.

--there's my ride.

HANK: Miss me?
ME: Does Paula miss sanity?
HANK: That's up for debate.
ME: Just hug me.

I forgot that Hank's hugs can render you unconscious. Still, it felt good to be hugged by someone with some muscle. All my New York friends were beyond twinky. They were like...devil dogs.

HANK: So do you mind if we stop by--
ME: My surprise party?
HANK: You knew?
ME: You didn't make the facebook invite private, kitten.
HANK: Oops. Oh well. I can't think of everything.
ME: Tell me you remembered the alcohol.
HANK: Since when do you drink?
ME: I've spent the last three months in Manhattan. All I do is drink now.
HANK: Oh Jeremy, we should have sent you away years ago.

We arrived at Davis' swanky new flat in North Providence about ten minutes later. I hadn't talked to my best friend since I ordered him and my new--not sure what to call him--since I ordered him and Billy to get along while I was away from home. Billy and I e-mailed back and forth a few times this summer, but not as much as we should have, I guess.

To be honest, I wasn't terribly good at the correspondence portion of my summer.

Things got a little--

ALL: SURPRISE!

Never mind.

I looked around the room. Davis, check. Joey, check. Ben, check. Nathan, check. Eli, check. Cal, check. Billy, check.

That's--

Wait.

ME: Where's Carter?
HANK: Long story.
ME: Um--

Terrific. Someone I actually like...uh, tolerate...not here, yet Ben and Nathan were front and center.

NATHAN: How was the city?
ME: It was great. How's the second attempt at a failed relationship?
BEN: Whoa, someone's gotten bitchy.
ME: Bitchier. Where's the booze?
NATHAN: Are you sure they didn't send back a clone?
VOICE: The clone's already here.

I turned around and thought I was going to pass out.

JACKSON: Heyyy brother.

No way.

ME: What are you doing here?
HANK: Aren't you happy to see your twin?
BEN: Your twin that none of us even knew about until three months ago?
NATHAN: Your twin who's actually cool?

My evil twin.

ME: Jackson, what--
JACKSON: It's all a long story.
ME: Why are there are so many long stories around here?
JACKSON: That's a long story, too. Don't spend all your time talking to me. You must have missed your best friend and your--
ME: YES! I did.
DAVIS: Oh did you?

I knew Davis was poised to strike. I could see it the minute I walked into the party aka bear-trap.

DAVIS: How come you didn't call?
ME: I was busy.
DAVIS: And I'm not?
ME: I was in New York. You're in Providence. What were you busy with? Did Prisms have a block party that went past one o'clock?
JOEY: Wow, he's mean now.
ME: I'm just a little more direct.
NATHAN: A true New Yorker.

The only one who didn't seem to be paying attention to me was Eli. He was dancing around on a coffee table.

ME: Let me guess. He's drunk.
HANK: Don't worry. He hasn't hit on anybody--yet.
ME: Too bad Carter's not here. We could have pulled out the futon.
ELI: I heard that!
ME: Were you under the impression I was trying to whisper?
ELI: I think I hate New Jeremy.
ME: As for Carter--
JOEY: He got out of control.
ME: Moreso than usual?

There was a pause.

BILLY: He got a girl pregnant.
ME: And so you've all deserted him.
BEN: It was that or the 'it takes a gay village' approach.
DAVIS: We opted out.
ME: Wow, you're all shitheads.
NATHAN: Look who's talking.
JACKSON: Anyone want dip?

My brother had something to do with Carter's exile, that I knew. But I couldn't do anything about it right now. I still had to face--

BILLY: I was going to get you an I Love RI t-shirt, but they don't make them.
CAL: That's because everybody hates it here.
JACKSON: Oh, Jeremy, exciting news. Cal's directing one of the mainstage shows this year.
HANK: That's not exciting. That's depressing.
ME: What show?
CAL: Trust in the Llama.
ME: By Terry Bryce?
CAL: You know of him?
ME: I met him. In New York. He's a prick. And his work is shit. Who in their right mind would let you direct that?
CAL: Murray.
ME: What are you blackmailing him?

Silence.

CAL: Anyone else want to try this new pill with me? It's supposed to be like ecstasy but with more caffeine.
DAVIS: Club drugs at a loft party? Why don't you just do a laser show for us, Cal?
CAL: Fine. I'll be in the bathroom.
DAVIS: Don't get coke on my mirror! It's an antique!

Billy tugged on my arm.

BILLY: Hey Jeremy, do you mind if we talk privately?
ME: Sure. I'd love that.

Like I'd love a raccoon nibbling on my--

BILLY: What's going on with you?

He had pulled me into Davis' bedroom. Not really a place for conversation due to its history.

ME: I just...things got crazy.
BILLY: Okay. So you and I are--
ME: I think maybe we need to take a step back.
BILLY: A step back? You pursue me for an entire year and now you want to back off? What happened to you in New York?
ME: I just had time to think, I guess.

All I could think was, Please Billy, please don't make me say something awful to you to get you to leave me alone. I thought I could just snap at him like I did at the others, but seeing his face again made everything so much more difficult. He was still Billy. Still the one I wanted.

ME: It's better if we're just friends for now.
BILLY: So I spent an entire summer waiting for you for nothing?
ME: Hopefully you liked hanging out with Davis.
BILLY: Believe it or not, I did. He got me to open up a lot more.
ME: You or your legs?

Wow, that one just came out.

BILLY: You know, everyone thinks that you're the nice one and that Davis is the jerk, but I think maybe they're wrong about that.

He walked out of the bedroom. I wanted to follow him, but I knew it wouldn't be wise.

Hank poked his head in.

HANK: How did that go?
ME: About as well as the Hindenberg.
VOICE: Guys! Come look!

I rushed to the bathroom. The window was open and there were scattered pills all over the floor.

DAVIS: I'm going to kill Cal.
ELI: Um, he might have beat you to it. The window?

We all looked out of it. Davis' loft is connected to another building with the rooftop just one floor below. Down there, we saw one lone sneaker.

JOEY: That's what Cal was wearing to the party.
NATHAN: So where did he go?

We weren't going to find that out for a very long time.