This Means War

Hi, my name is Brad John.

JEREMY: ...And then I told him I was moving out.

My friends are crazy.

ME: Are you serious?
JEREMY: BJ, I can't live in that loft with those two always there and pretend like I think their relationship is something other than the mess that it is.
ME: But why is it your problem?
JEREMY: Because Davis is my best friend. I've had to stick up for him for years. It's like I'm his publicist or something. He does something wrong and I have to hold a press conference and clean up for him. Well, you know what, I'm not doing that anymore.

I was trying to be attentive, but it was a few minutes before my voice lesson and I was super-nervous.

Voice Teacher McCreamy was in a lesson with some other student, but soon he would be all mine.

JEREMY: ...Really difficult.
ME: Yup.
JEREMY: You're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?
ME: I'm sorry, Jeremy. I'm just nervous about McCreamy.
JEREMY: Could we please not refer to him as McCreamy?

Then the door to the practice room opened and the love of my life walked out...with Ben.

ME: Gasp!
JEREMY: Did you mean to actually gasp and instead you just said--
ME: What the--

But I shut up pretty fast. They were only down the hall from us. I got up and walked towards them.

BEN: Thank you so much for helping me. Now that I got a lead role in the musical I really want my voice to be in top shape.
MCCREAMY: No problem at all, Ben. I'm glad to have such a talented student. Oh Hank, how's it going?
ME: Good thank you.
MCCREAMY: I'm just going to run to my car and then I'll be right back. Ben gave me quite a workout today.
ME: I bet he did.

McCreamy laughed and then exited through the stairwell. I could feel Jeremy behind me, which was good since I planned on flattening this bitch like a pancake.

JEREMY: Ben, what do you mean you got a lead in the musical?
BEN: Billy gave up his role, and Murray asked me to fill in.
JEREMY: What?
BEN: Yeah, so I'm the Police Sergeant now.
JEREMY: Um, I need to go find Billy. Hank, you can handle this?
ME: Oh, I'm fine, Jer. Go do what you gotta do.
JEREMY: Thanks. Good luck, Ben. BJ, aim for the spleen.

He took off.

BEN: What's he talking about?
ME: Listen skank, stay away from my man?
BEN: Oh my God, you like Billy too? Listen, we broke up. You want him, you got him.
ME: Not Billy. I don't do twinkies. Stay away from McCreamy.
BEN: Who?
ME: VOICE TEACHER MCCREAMY!
BEN: Ew, he's a teacher. Relax.
ME: I know you. With your extra lessons, and you're 'Thanks for helping me with my oral technique.'
BEN: Look Hank--
ME: No, you look, and by the way, I changed my name to--
BEN: Whatever. Why don't you come out of the closet and then develop a crush, okay?

That's when he tried walking away, and I yanked on the back of his shirt pulling him down onto the ground and knocking the wind out of him.

ME: Hey Ben, why don't you try not pulling that shit you pull on Jeremy with me? Because I'll work you like a crossword puzzle on a Sunday afternoon.

I put my foot down on his chest.

ME: Do we understand each other?

He nodded while still trying to catch his breath. Voice Teacher McCreamy appeared in the stairwell.

MCCREAMY: Oh my God, is everything all right?

He helped Ben up. I tried to look inconspicuous.

ME: Oh Ben, clumsy clumsy Ben.
MCCREAMY: Ben, are you okay?
BEN: Yeah...I'm...fine...
ME: He just got a little ahead of himself.
BEN: Actually...I...was...wondering...if I could...set up another...lesson...for tomorrow morning?
MCCREAMY: Um, sure, wy?

And this was when he looked right at me.

BEN: I...suddenly...feel...like...I want...to brush up...on my...oral technique.
MCCREAMY: Sure. I just have to bump Hank to ten then. Is that okay, Hank?
ME: Sure, no problem.

That was when I knew it was on.