Jeremy's Sexual Awakening

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

CAL: Just relax.

I'm not sure how I get myself into these things.

A few short hours ago, I was sitting in the fish bowl when the new guy, Cal, walked in looking pretty angry.

CAL: I'm so f**king angry.

Okay, pretty f**king angry.

ME: What's wrong?
CAL: Rufus is being a dick.
ME: Who's Rufus?
CAL: My boyfriend. My now ex-boyfriend. God, I hate his f**king guts.
ME: I'm sorry.
CAL: It just sucks because I love him so much.

I've learned to listen to statements like this and not bring up how they don't make sense. It's one of the perks of living with Davis.

Cal kept talking, but unfortunately, Billy chose this moment to walk by and my attention was immediately diverted. After my big blow-out with him the other day, I swore to myself I was completely over him, but just because you tell yourself something doesn't mean you're going to listen.

CAL: Earth to Homo?
ME: What? Sorry?
CAL: You still got it bad, huh?
ME: Well...yes.
CAL: You need to act like you don't care. That's why he was with Ben, because Ben didn't care.
ME: That makes no sense. Why would you--
CAL: Hey, I'm not saying the game is fair, I was just trying to explain the rules. If you want that boy, you could get him. I could help.
ME: Oh really? How would you do that, Fairy Godfather? Are you going to turn my Buick Century into a pumpkin?
CAL: No, I'll just turn you into an object of desire.

I'm not one already?

Kidding, obv.

ME: And this is going to happen by--
CAL: You need to get laid.
ME: Wow, is that it blatant?
CAL: Guys who can get laid whenever they want have that nice laidback air. And when people know someone's getting laid whenever they want, they're curious as to why. This leads to sexual attraction, which in turn leads to love. Such is the gay cycle of life.
ME: At what point do I hope up a baby gay so the zebras can neigh at him?
CAL: Meet me at my apartment tonight at eight. Bring condoms and potato chips.
ME: Um, I don't--
CAL: You're lucky I'm single this weekk.

And with that, he went Bippity-Boppoty-Boo.

RITCHIE: Are you going to go?
ME: No, of course not.

Ritchie and I were eating in the dining hall. Things had been a little strained between us since I found out he was blackmailing Davis, but he's the only one I can talk to about things of a sexual nature. To be honest, I don't really see myself as a sexual being. Cal's offer had kind of...unnerved me.

RITCHIE: If you're not planning on going, then show me your underwear.
ME: What? Why?
RITCHIE: If you're wearing the ugly boxers, you're not going, but if you're wearing--
ME: Fine! I'm wearing the trunks. The red trunks.
RITCHIE: You little skank.
ME: I've just never had anybody...demand me before. He told me to bring potato chips.
RITCHIE: What's going to come first? You or the snacks?
ME: Maybe both at the same time? Giggity giggity?
RITCHIE: I might throw up.

I showed up at Cal's at 8pm after carefully mapquesting his address. He opened the door wearing a robe and not much underneath, or so it seemed. I felt like I was a bunny about to meet Hef.

CAL: C'mon in.

He walked right through his apartment without saying a word--straight into his bedroom. I, of course, followed. I wasn't sure how this whole "hook-up" thing was supposed to work, so when he said--

CAL: On the bed, please. Face up.

I just did it.

It was only when he chained me to the bedposts that I started feeling apprehensive. He got on top of me so that he was in a straddling position.

ME: Um, Cal...
CAL: No talking.
ME: But I'm kind of not into the--
CAL: Silence!

He slapped me.

ME: Ouch! I don't like that.
CAL: Fine, what do you like? Candles? Romance? Tortellini?
ME: What's wrong with tortellini?

Then he leaned down and kissed me on the lips. I couldn't really stop him so I just sort of...went with it.

CAL: You're really beautiful.
ME: Is this the new act? Being nice? Tortellini?
CAL: No, you really are beautiful.
ME: Thank you.
CAL: You don't think so?
ME: No, I think so. I just don't think others think so.
CAL: It's f**king Rhode Island. Nobody has good taste here.
ME: Can I be...untied now?
CAL: Not yet. We need to awaken your sexuality.
ME: I'd rather just let it sleep. It's tired.

That was when I heard the front door open.

CAL: Oh shit. I forgot to get the key back.

...What?

It wasn't until a boy walked into the room that apprehension turned into panic.

MAD BOY: What the f**k?
CAL: Relax, Rufus. We're broken up.
MAD BOY/RUFUS: You slut!
CAL: Who are you calling a slut, bitch?

Cal was off me in a millisecond and pushing Rufus up against a wall.

CAL: Is that how you talk to your Master, bitch?
RUFUS: You're not my Master anymore.
CAL: You will service this boy.
RUFUS: No, I won't!

Slap.

RUFUS: Yes, Master!
ME: What the hell is going on here? Shouldn't you two be confessing in the back of a taxicab?
CAL: Quiet Jeremy, you're going to love this.
ME: No, I'm really not. Untie me--NOW!

He had Rufus do it instead. It was like being untied by a beaten puppy. I didn't even say goodbye to Cal when I left.

When I got home that night, I felt like I had just been run over by a truck. Davis was in the living room.

DAVIS: I got you some boxes.
ME: Thanks.
DAVIS: You still moving?
ME: Well now that I have boxes--
DAVIS: Can't we talk about this?
ME: No.
DAVIS: Where you were?
ME: Failing at yet another thing.
DAVIS: What?
ME: Hooking up.
DAVIS: You? No.
ME: Yes, me!

I could tell he was shocked.

DAVIS: You don't do that.
ME: You're right. I don't. And I finally figured out why gay guys in this town flock to guys like you and avoid me like the plague.
DAVIS: Oh yeah? Why?
ME: Because I'm okay with who I am. I don't feel guilty. I don't want to be punished. I don't want to have sex in cars, or seedy back alleys, or tied up to some bedpost--
DAVIS: That explains the marks on your wrists.
ME: I think every guy in this state is looking for someone to give him a rush and then show him the door, because they think that's all they deserve. Well, I want more than that. Tonight was a mistake, but at least I got that out of it.
DAVIS: So what are you going to do now?
ME: I'm going to go watch tv and eat potato chips.

As I walked by him, Davis pulled me down onto the couch in a hug.

ME: Davis, don't--
DAVIS: Just shut up and hug me, you cockjockey.

So I did, and a part of me wanted to get lost in him, my best friend, the only person I really felt I knew and who knew me--and who I was about to lose for good.