A Serious Actor

Hi, my name is Eli.

ME: That is bullshit!

I am rip-themotherfucking-shit right now.

That is because Billy, like a toolkit, gave up his role in Pirates, a role which I was clearly second in line for, meaning I should have gotten it, and instead Murray gave it to Ben.

I need...to breathe.

Although this may seem a little tacky, the person I was in the fish bowl bitching to about all of this was Billy. I couldn't find anyone else.

ME: I mean, it was ridiculous that I didn't get that role in the first place--no offense.
BILLY: Yeah, none taken.
ME: I mean, he gives it to someone completely underqualified, and then that person shows how underqualified they are--no offense.
BILLY: None taken.
ME: And THEN he gives it to another person whose underqualified. W...T...Motherfucking...F?

That was when Jeremy came in.

JEREMY: What the hell were you thinking?
ME: I know, I should have tossed some gel in my hair this morning, but--
JEREMY: Not you. I'm dead to you, remember?
ME: Yeah, well, now I have bigger fish to fry.
JEREMY: Billy, what--
BILLY: I didn't want the role. I'm not ready for it. Eli thinks so too.
ME: 'S true.
JEREMY: Don't be ridiculous. Why did you give it up? You know you can do it.
BILLY: It doesn't matter.

He got up to leave but Jeremy stood in his way.

JEREMY: It does matter. You really wanted that role.
ME: Um, I deserved the role. Does nobody see where the injustice lies here?
JEREMY: Billy, why--
ME: Keyword: Deserved.
BILLY: YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THE ROLE!

Silence.

Dead...

...Silence.

ME: Wow. Harsh.
BILLY: No, what I mean is, you weren't second in line to the role. If you had been, I wouldn't have even--

He stopped.

JEREMY: What were you just going to say?
BILLY: Nothing.
ME: Did you know I wasn't next in line?
BILLY: Maybe.
JEREMY: How?
BILLY: I overheard Murray and Patrick--

--The choreographer--

BILLY: --Talking after dance class, and they said Ben had done an amazing job and that if I hadn't done so well in the dance audition he would have gotten the role.

Oh...nooooo.

JEREMY: So you gave up the role so Ben could have it?
BILLY: I just didn't want it. It wasn't so Ben could have it.
JEREMY: You're lying.
ME: This is unbelievable!
JEREMY: You bet it is.
ME: I DID WAY BETTER IN THE DANCE AUDITION THAN YOU!

Jeremy just scoffed and pulled Billy out into the hallway, but I could still hear them.

BILLY: Jeremy, just let it go.
JEREMY: You gave up the role because you and Ben broke up and this was your way of--what?--getting him back by showing him how much you're willing to sacrifice for him? Are you serious?
BILLY: It was my decision.
JEREMY: It was a bad one.
BILLY: Fine. It was a bad one. But it was still mine. Maybe if you ever actually get a boyfriend you'll understand what it takes to keep them.
JEREMY: You don't have a boyfriend. You don't have a boyfriend, or a role, or your dignity. You have nothing. And most or least of all, however you want to look at it, you don't have my respect anymore or my adoration.
BILLY: Well thank God for small favors.
JEREMY: You shouldn't even be doing theater. You're not an actor. No serious actor would give up a role for some boy. You just made what you do a hobby. Go declare a communications major. I'll see you at rehearsal.

And SNAP! He walked away leaving Billy just standing there. I would have stewed in fish bowl for awhile longer, but I decided to take a page out of Jeremy's playbook--I went to Murray's house.

After I rang the doorbell, it took a few seconds and then Murray appeared.

MURRAY: Oh no.

I could hear his partner Steve in the background.

STEVE: Who is it Murray?
MURRAY: One of my students.
STEVE: Is it the one who ran over the mailbox?
MURRAY: No.
STEVE: Tell him to go away, Murray. Our lawn is already ruined!
MURRAY: What do you need, Eli?

Deep...breath.

ME: Why wasn't I second choice for the Police Sergeant?
MURRAY: You don't want to know.
ME: Um, I really do.
MURRAY: Trust me, you don't.
ME: Murray, tell me!
MURRAY: You can't play it straight.
ME: What?
MURRAY: When you did the dance, you were too feminine, but Patrick and I were too chicken to tell you because we know you don't think you're gay and we didn't want you to be angry. Face it, Eli, until you come out, you're never going to be able to be a serious actor.

Then he shut the door.

And I peed on his lawn.

For real.

Honestly, would a gay guy do that? Clearly not.

I showed him who the serious actor was.