Blackout

Hi, my name is Cal.

WINSTON: Care for another drink?
ME: I always care, Winston. Always.

Winston buys me drinks.

Drinks.
Clothes.
Trips to the Bahamas.

You know, stuff like that.

In exchange, I hang out with him. Winston enjoys the company of younger men.

Let's get something straight though--I don't sleep with him.

I mean, I guess at some point I might have to in order to keep the gravy train on the tracks, and I'll wrestle with the moral implications of that when the time comes, but for now all I need to do is stand next to him at clubs, get dirty looks from boys who wish they had it as sweet as I do, and let him get me drunk.

These are all things I can do.

Winston and I were at Bowie's--closing the place down--when I started to feel sick.

WINSTON: What's wrong?
ME: I didn't eat today.
WINSTON: So then you shouldn't be sick.
ME: Ugh, I think I have to throw up.

The feeling came, then went, then came back again. Thankfully, it was time to leave anyway.

Winston got my coat and I hobbled outside. I sat down on the sidewalk outside the club and put my head between my knees.

Something was telling me someone had put a little extra extra in my drink. My vision was blurring and I couldn't seem to focus on any single thought.

That might be why I didn't look up until after I heard the noise.

It was almost like in a movie--an older movie, a cheesy 70's movie--when they do a flashback and they purposefully make the whole screen look out of focus except for what they want you to see. It was like I was only seeing what I had to, or I guess less than that since what I saw wasn't that helpful, and everything else was just hazy.

I saw Ben--up on the hood of a car--a car that had clearly just run into him.

Then he fell off the side of the car and into the road. The car took off.

I stood up, felt dizzy, started to call out "Help" and instead fell right into Winston's waiting arms.

WINSTON: I think you're going to stay at my place tonight, kiddo.

I tried to say "No," that a guy I knew was lying in the road where another car could come along and run him over, but no words were coming out.

ME: Can't...I have to...
WINSTON: Ssshh, don't worry. I'll take care of my little boy.

He practically carried me away, and all I could think of was that car. Despite the fact that I couldn't see the person driving it, I had the distinct feeling that I knew whoever it was.

And then I blacked out completely.

A Better Disposition

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: Ben, come back!

They can all go straight to--

ME: F**k off!

Nathan dragged me to the club, even though he knows how much I hate it there. And I could hear them. I could hear all of them. Talking about me.

They were all standing up on the second level of the club looking down on Nathan and me dancing.

He kept telling me not to let it bother me, but I couldn't help it.

I let him get me drunk before we went. That was the only way I could handle being there at all.

And they were all up there--Jeremy, Ritchie, Billy, Carter, Hank, Cal, Joey--the only one missing was Eli, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was out somewhere shaking in his boots because good old Ben had finally taken that last flying leap out of the closet, and I might try dragging him out, too.

It wasn't just all of them up there judging me. There were guys around them laughing at me. Old club whores who never got married, never had kids, never fulfilled that new gay ideal that everyone talks so much about. I mean, every gay man you meet now says that one day he's going to settle down, but let's face it--that's not happening for any of them.

Well, it's going to happen for me.

All I could hear was the laughter.

Before I knew it, I was out the door. Nathan was running after me, but I was too fast for him. He's a good guy. He deserves better than me. But he shouldn't have tried to change me. That was wrong. I don't belong--

ME: I don't belong here, Nathan!
NATHAN: Yes, you do. You belong here as much as any of them.
VOICE: Excuse me.

They were all standing behind him. All seven of them.

RITCHIE: Would we be the 'them' you're referring to?
CARTER: Are we really making you that uncomfortable, Ben?
BILLY: We weren't doing anything.
ME: Oh please! You all love the fact that I'm here!
CAL: Maybe because it shows that you're actually accepting the fact that you're gay rather than just sucking dick and calling it a phase.
JOEY: Or maybe because it's nice to see you having fun at all.
HANK: Or maybe we just don't give it a shit and it's all in your head.

I started walking away again.

JEREMY: Ben, wait!

Jeremy ran up to me. Great. What salt was he going to rub in?

JEREMY: Ben, I know that you and I...Well...it's been a rough year. But, I genuinely was happy to see you tonight, because I know how hard this has all been for you.
ME: You have no idea.
JEREMY: Oh, I don't? What did you think my coming out was like? A teddy bear picnic?
ME: Screw you.
JEREMY: I don't want to fight. I'm just saying. We're not your enemies. We are your friends, and there might be a time when we have to be more than that. Because we're part of a community, Ben. We have shared experiences and heartaches and joys and losses and there is going to be a time when you have to utilize that whether you like it or not.

He turned and walked back to the group. Nathan came up to me and put his arm around me and the group turned to go, but I wasn't quite done yet.

ME: How dare you.

They all turned back around.

ME: How dare you insinuate that you're some kind of family to me.
RITCHIE: Ben, are you done attacking Jeremy--
ME: I'm not just attacking Jeremy. You all need to know, I am nothing like any of you.
HANK: We got that loud and clear.
ME: I mean, look at all of you--
NATHAN: Ben, stop it.
ME: You don't even know them Nathan! I mean, did you know that Billy hates being gay just as much as I do, and he stands there acting like he's in agreement with everyone when really he just likes seeing me squirm.
BILLY: Oh, shut up, Ben.
ME: And Ritchie, he's a really model gay man. He blackmails people for sex.
RITCHIE: You're a waste of time.
ME: Carter isn't even officially out yet, but that's okay, because he only tries to go down on people when they're sleeping.
CARTER: I don't know what--
ME: Hank also still claims to like girls, but that's probably because he couldn't get guys even if he did admit he liked them.
HANK: Keep talking and you're getting punched the f**k out.
ME: Joey cheated on his boyfriend. Cal's just a whore.
CAL: You didn't mind that I was a whore when you were in bed with me.
ME: And Jeremy, good old Jeremy, the one who wants to be everybody's big brother. Well, he's the best of them all. A total hypocrite. Who gossips, and manipulates, and judges from on high--When really, he's just jealous because I get what I want and he can't get anything he wants--namely someone to pay attention to him.

Jeremy took a few steps towards me and then stopped.

JEREMY: I feel sorry for you, Ben.
ME: Don't bother. Oh, and if Eli were here, I'd be telling everyone about a little threeway in which he was much more about person number two than person number one.
JOEY: What are you talking about?
RITCHIE: Let's just go back inside.

I turned around to see Eli standing in front of me.

ME: Eli, what--

But the punch silenced me, and the last thing I heard was Cal saying--

CAL: That bitch needs to be taught a better disposition.

--and then I hit the ground.

Happy Birthday John Davis

Hi, my name is Davis.

RITCHIE: When are the strippers showing up?

It's my birthday.

I'm not telling you what birthday it is, because I hate birthdays and the only reason I celebrate them is because it gives me an excuse to act like a drunken fool without anyone judging me.

I get more drunk on my birthday than any other day of the year--the only other day that even comes close is Thanksgiving.

HANK: So who's coming to this fiesta?

The plan was as follows: Get a few of my closest friends over to my place. It's important not to have one of those free-for-alls where everyone is invited, because let's face it--a party's only as good as the people that aren't invited to it.

Step two, get everyone plastered.

Step three, head to the club to revel in debauchery.

Currently, we were in the middle of steps one and two.

The guest list was as follows: Joey, Ritchie (because as much as I hate to admit it, if you want your party to be decent, you have to invite Ritchie), Hank, a few RI-TRI boys (I had to bury the hatcher with some of them in order to turn them against each other), and Carter--I'm not even sure I invited him, but whatever--he's cute.

Jeremy would be joining us at the club later. This was partly because things were bound to be a little awkward now that he doesn't live here anymore, and partly because he doesn't drink, so he really wasn't missing out on much.

I was already more hammered than a sorority girl during rush week.

ME: When are we bringing this party to Prisms?
RITCHIE: We are not going to Prisms. It's a Saturday, which means it's filled with idiots and the cover is outrageous. We'll go to Bowie's.
HANK: With the sugar daddies?
RITCHIE: Why go otherwise? Ritchie wants his drinks bought for him tonight.
HANK: I can't argue with that.
ME: Is it hot in here or...Fraggles?
JOEY: Babe, are you feeling all right?
ME: Yeah, yeah, YEAH! Let's go party!

Things were already getting blurry.

CARTER: Anyone want to see my underwear?

I don't actually remember going to the club, being at the club, coming home from the club, or anything else that happened that night. I woke up with Joey sitting on the bed next to me.

ME: Give it to me straight, Joey.
JOEY: You made out with Carter.
ME: Well, that was bound to happen.
JOEY: I immediately forgave you since you kept saying your name was Toyran and you were from Ohio.
ME: What else did I do?
JOEY: Recited all of "What a Man" by En Vogue, called Ronnie the Bartender a "leering waste of excess organs--"
ME: I would have called him that even if I wasn't drunk.
JOEY: There's one more thing.
ME: Uh huh?
JOEY: You told Jeremy you loved him and he left the club.
ME: I...Wait, what?
JOEY: You confessed your undying love to Jeremy. Said you couldn't live without him.
ME: Oh...
JOEY: That I couldn't forgive you for. I mean, I did, but now I don't think we can see each other anymore.
ME: Fair enough. Why am I wearing a turtleneck? I don't own a turtleneck.
JOEY: You insisted on wearing it. It took Hank, Ritchie, and I an hour to get you into bed and asleep. Ritchie then suggested a three and a halfway--the half being because you were unconscious--but I just wasn't up for it and sent the two of them home.
ME: Thanks.
JOEY: I'll be leaving now.
ME: Okay. I'm really sorry.
JOEY: Don't mention it. Happy Birthday, Davis.
ME: You too.
JOEY: That doesn't--oh never mind.

He got up and left, and I fell back asleep.

Before that happened, I tried to make a mental note to myself:

Apologize to Jeremy for...confessing...undying love...

F**k me.

All Good Things Must End

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

RITCHIE: You got everything?

I'm moving out of my apartment.

Davis was a mess the entire morning. Though he holds in the fact that he's upset rather well, when push comes to shove, he tends to get really shaky.

As Ritchie was bringing my last box downstairs to my car, I could hear him in his bedroom reorganizing his desk and subsequently dropping everything on the floor.

I knew I couldn't leave him like that.

ME: Knock, knock.
DAVIS: Hey.
ME: Hey hey.
DAVIS: Shouldn't you be going?
ME: I am in a second. Just wanted to...you know.
DAVIS: What? Say good-bye?
ME: Well, yeah.
DAVIS: Don't bother. We're still going to be seeing each other all the time.
ME: I know but--
DAVIS: So this isn't a big deal or anything.
ME: No, of course not. But I mean, I'm leaving. The era of Jeremy and Davis is ending.
DAVIS: And oh, what an era it was.

He went to move his paper clip holder and it nearly hit the ground until I dove and caught it.

DAVIS: You didn't need to dive.
ME: You know I hate mess.

I handed him the holder and as I did, he pulled me in for a hug. Part of me thought I could feel a sob coming on, but Davis repressed it. As for me...

My eyes got a little teary. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

DAVIS: I can't believe you're leaving because of a boy.
ME: I'm not leaving because of a boy.

He pulled back to look at me. This was a newsflash. I'd been hiding behind the Joey excuse, but the truth was--

ME: The truth is, the only boy I'm leaving for is me.
DAVIS: Why?
ME: Look, when you started dating Joey, I realized something. I realized that I connect too much of myself to you. I'm John Davis' best friend, and I love that, but I don't love being just that. I took you having an affair with him so personally, because in a lot of ways, I felt like I was a part of the affair.
DAVIS: Jeremy, you're a huge part of my life.
ME: And I think my part in it needs to get just a little bit smaller. For both our sanities, and for our friendship.

He nodded. I could see this made sense to him.

DAVIS: So it's all for the best then, huh?
ME: I think so.
DAVIS: Do you want to jump around the apartment one last time?
ME: Um...YES.

Ritchie came back to find Davis and I bopping around like we usually do...did...at 3am after coming home from the clubs. We'd be wired, but we'd need to sleep, so we'd tire ourselves out by putting on Jackie Wilson's "Higher and Higher" and flailing like lunatics.

RITCHIE: Is this some sort of moving ritual I'm not aware of?
ME: Come on, Ritchie. Join in the fun.
RITCHIE: No, that's all right. I can see this is between you two. I'll be downstairs.

And for the next two minutes, it was just Davis and me.

All I could think was, Will it ever be this way again?

Nothing to Hide

Hi, my name is Eli.

WILDE: Hello Eli.

I'm f**king freaking the f**k out--like, what the f**k?

ME: Hey Jeremy.
JEREMY: Hey Eli.
ME: Um, question--
JEREMY: No, I do not have the sheet music to "Something's Coming."
ME: Damn! Second question, whose this Wilde guy?
JEREMY: Wilde? You mean like Wilde's Blog-Wilde?
ME: Yeah. Who writes that?
JEREMY: The same guy whose buried in Grant's Tomb.
ME: So some guy named Grant?
JEREMY: No, Eli, nobody knows. It's like the mystery of the gay community in Rhode Island.
ME: Double damn.
JEREMY: Why do you want to know?
ME: Just curious. Gotta go. Bye.

This isn't good.

WILDE: Hello Eli, this is Wilde. Just thought I'd let you know I have proof that you're a friend of Dorothy.

What the hell does that mean? I don't even know anyone named Dorothy?

WILDE: Since you probably don't know what that means, I'll be clearer. I have proof that you're a big flaming homo.

S**t.

WILDE: I plan on divulging this information in due time. If you decide to come out on your own terms, then you can beat me to the punch. If not...Your private indiscretions are about to become public fodder.

What? Why does this guy have it in for me?

WILDE: Ttfn--Love Wilde.

I wanted to throw my computer across the wall. How does this guy even know me? And how did he get my e-mail address?

I had to find him before he...spread lies about me.

Hopefully there's enough time.

Mardi Gras

Hi, my name is Hank.

RITCHIE: This place is like a halfway house for ghetto twinks in their underwear.

Welcome to Mardi Gras.

Jeremy, Ritchie, and I decided to check it out because...

Well, we're gay. What else is there to do?

Of course, as soon as we got there, I was miserable. The entire night was a reminder of why I'm going to die alone.

I'm not slutty.
I'm not eight pounds.
I'm not coked out of my mind.

ME: This blows.
RITCHIE: And not in a fun way.
ME: Maybe we should have checked out the party at the Token.
RITCHIE: We couldn't, because somebody didn't want to run into their ex-roommate.
JEREMY: No, somebody didn't want to run into their ex-roommate and Joey--together--after he pretty much denounced the two of them.
ME: I thought you and Davis were on good terms.
JEREMY: We are, and I'd like to keep it that way.
RITCHIE: Meanwhile, all the cute Brown boys and the sophisticados are at Token, and we're stuck here at Prisms with the Ho-Down squad.

We gave the place another hour, and then decided to bail. To try salvaging the night, we stopped off at the IHOP for some midnight breakfast.

Ritchie took his own car, so it was just me and Jeremy on the ride there.

ME: I hate it.
JEREMY: What?
ME: You know what.
JEREMY: It's going to be okay, Hank. You're just feeling a little lonely. It happens to everyone.
ME: No really, Jeremy, I hate everything about it. The community. The people. Your roommate. All of it. Nobody finds me attractive.
JEREMY: Cough cough.
ME: Except you.

We arrived at the IHOP a minute later, but before I could get out of the car, Jeremy put his hand on my shoulder.

ME: What's wrong?
JEREMY: Nothing, I just...
ME: What?

He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.

JEREMY: Yeah. I figured--

But before he could say anything else, I grabbed him and kissed him full-on.

I wasn't intending for this to go anwhere, and pretty soon we were going to have to go inside or Ritchie would think we bailed on him.

And on top of all of that, I don't think either one of us is actually attracted to the other.

But hey, it's Mardi Gras. Why not go a little crazy?

We Have to Be Something

Hi, my name is Joey.

DAVIS: Why is it right before you give me head, you always have to talk about relationships?

Dating Davis is...not always easy.

We were laying in his bed watching tv, and he had started to kiss my neck, which drives me absolutely insane. But the truth is, I was getting a little bored with all this. It just seemed like it wasn't going towards anything.

I shared my concerns with Davis.

Typically, he wanted to avoid the subject.

ME: Davis, I want something with substance.
DAVIS: You had someone with substance. Then you broke up with him to have sex with. So clearly, substance isn't what you're looking for.
ME: I broke up with Bart because things weren't working, and this isn't working either.
DAVIS: It's working fine. We have our lives, we have good sex; what more could you want?
ME: I want you to be my boyfriend.

He looked as if I just shot a puppy in front of him.

DAVIS: That's not fair. You always knew that wasn't in the cards.
ME: Is it really though? Is it really not in the cards at all?
DAVIS: I'm sorry, but...Not at all. No. I like you a lot, Joey, but...I am who I am.

That did it for me. It's one thing to have a fear of commitment. It's another to embrace that fear with a great big bear hug and give it a kiss on the lips.

I got out of bed and started putting my clothes on.

DAVIS: What are you doing?
ME: I'm leaving. I'm not sleeping next to someone who doesn't even want to call me his boyfriend.
DAVIS: I can't believe you actually want to jump into another relationship so fast!
ME: I'm not a whore, Davis. I don't just sleep with someone over and over again without any reason to.
DAVIS: I'm sorry. Is 'fun' no longer a reason?
ME: No, you're exactly right, it isn't a reason. Not any more.

Part of me hoped he would stop me before I got out of the apartment, but when I finally walked back into my own, I knew that was never in the cards.

Davis doesn't chase after you. Davis doesn't fall in love. Davis doesn't have boyfriends.

So why do I want Davis so badly?

Nathan Sinclair

Hi, my name is Billy.

MURRAY: Welcome to the first rehearsal for Pirates.

This is my first college musical.

MURRAY: I hope you're all happy to be here.

I would have been happier with my original role, but that's a hole I dug myself.

Still, you couldn't help but get that exciting "I'm in a show" feeling when you're sitting in a group of people you know holding sheet music in your hand.

Ritchie, Jeremy, Carter, Eli, and myself were all in the baritone section. Joey and Ben were in the tenor section, along a new guy I didn't recognize.

While the music director was teaching the girls their part, I leaned over and whispered to Carter.

ME: Who's the guy sitting next to Ben?

They were laughing quietly about something, and Ben was doing his typical--"I'm flirting with you, but in a discreet sort of way" thing.

CARTER: That's Nathan Sinclair. He's a dance major.
RITCHIE: Every show needs one.
ME: He's cute.
JEREMY: You think he's cute?
ME: Yeah.

I sort of did. Plus, I felt bad for him. Ben was clearly planning on making him his next victim.

RITCHIE: I don't know how I feel about Murray letting dance majors into the musical.
JEREMY: Ritchie, that is so awful.
RITCHIE: Dancers aren't theater people, Jeremy. They add this nasty competitive element to everything.
CARTER: You're saying we're not nasty and competitive?
RITCHIE: Maybe we are, but at the end of the day at least we all get together and eat chicken tenders at Happy's. Those people aren't--
JEREMY: Listen to yourself! Those people?

The music director told us to quiet down. Great, ten minutes into the first rehearsal and we're already getting into arguments.

ME: Maybe we could invite Nathan out to eat afterwards. You know, as a show of inclusiveness?
JEREMY: Great idea, Billy. I'm glad someone's up for bringing down the wall.
RITCHIE: Make fun all you want, but mark my words, Murray will regret putting that guy in this show.

I watched Ben take Nathan's phone and put his number in it.

Actually, at the end of all this, I think Nathan's going to be the one with a regret.

Hard to Resist

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

CARTER: You having a good time, Ritchieeee?

I was at a club with Carter.

Things had obviously taken a turn for the worse.

Since Jeremy was busy being a Donnie Downer with his upcoming severing of the umbilical cord from Davis, I was forced to find someone else to go to the club with on a glorious Tuesday night.

That's right, Prisms on a Tuesday.

If I weren't in college, and therefore not required to grow as a person for another few months, it would be pathetic.

Carter was already a little tipsy since I let him pregame at my place before we went to the club. I was surprised he came since he's still trying to pretend he's straight, but hey, I wasn't going to look a gift gay in the mouth.

CARTER: Do you want to dance?
ME: Sure, why not. It beats standing up here and judging the people dancing.

Who am I kidding? Nothing beats that.

We went down to the floor and Carter immediately pulled me up onto the box. Before I knew it, his ass was grinding up against me like he was cheese and I was a grater.

And well...I'm only human...

I started dancing back.

And dancing turned into groping.

And groping turned into making out with groping.

Then all of a sudden, we were back in my car with the seats reclined and I was pulling off his shirt.

ME: Carter...
CARTER: Oh yeah, baby. What's my name?
ME: Oh my God, never ask that. Listen, this needs to be a secret, okay?
CARTER: Okay.
ME: You know this makes you gay, right?
CARTER: Yeah, whatever.

Good enough for me.

Carter's Valentine

Hi, my name is Carter.

BEN: Carter, absolutely not.

I tried sucking my roommate off in his sleep.

BEN: What the hell were you thinking?
ME: You'll let Billy do it, but not me?
BEN: I never let Billy do it while I was unconscious.
ME: Some guys think that's hot.
BEN: What guys? You've been having sex with guys?
ME: Kinda.

He sat up in bed and turned on the light.

BEN: What the hell's been going on with you?
ME: Nothing. I just like you.
BEN: You like me, or I'm gay and I dated your friend.
ME: I know, it's bad.
BEN: And that's why you're so into it?
ME: Kinda.
BEN: Enough with the kinda. Go back to bed.

He turned off the light and I went back and got into my own bed.

Life sucks.

Today was Valentine's Day, and I didn't have a Valentine. I asked a bunch of people.

DAVIS: Who is this?

I even called that guy Davis.

DAVIS: Yeah, I barely remember you.
ME: We just met a little while ago.
DAVIS: You passed out unconscious in my hallway.
ME: Want me to do it in your bed next time?

.........

ME: Hello? Hello?

I didn't have much luck with my friends either.

BILLY: I'll totally be your Valentine, Carter.
ME: Amazing.
BILLY: You mean it in a sweet way, right? Not like an 'I'm expected to do stuff with you tonight' way?
ME: Um...
BILLY: Oh.
ME: Awkward.
BILLY: Really awkward.

Or my acquaintances...

JOEY: I'm sort of seeing someone.
ME: Can you sort of see me too?
JOEY: It doesn't work that way.
ME: Yes, it does. I can see more than one person. That's why God gave us more than one eye.
JOEY: Please tell me that's you being figurative.
ME: What does figurative mean?

Or my not-really friends.

HANK: Hahahahaha...Get lost, skank.

Or sort of friends.

RITCHIE: Sorry, I've got an six-way planned.

Or people I barely know.

CAL: I promised Rufus I'd let him have one more round of break-up sex.
ME: Who's Rufus?

Or--

ELI: GET LOST!

So after Ben rejected me, I went to the only person left I could think of who maybe would make Valentine's Day not a complete super-loss.

JEREMY: Carter, what are you doing here? It's 3am.
ME: I'm lonely.
JEREMY: What?
ME: I hate this. I hate this life. I hate who I like. I hate...myself. I'm really lonely. I'm all alone.
JEREMY: Carter, it's just the day-it's Valentine's Day--it does something weird to all of us.
ME: Yeah, it makes me want to kill myself.
JEREMY: Don't say that.
ME: But it's true.
JEREMY: C'mon in, all right? I'll make you scrambled eggs.

So I went into his apartment where I could hear noise from the other room.

ME: What are all the boxes for?
JEREMY: I'm moving.
ME: What's that sound?
JEREMY: Joey's head hitting the wall.
ME: Why is--
JEREMY: Figure it out later. How many eggs do you want?
ME: Two please.

Jeremy made me eggs while I talked about everything that was wrong. I'm failing school. My friends all make fun of me. I just got a lead in the musical, but I still get depressed all the time.

JEREMY: You should talk to someone about that.
ME: I don't want to.
JEREMY: Then I don't want to say. You need to help yourself before anyone else can help you, Carter.

He put down my plate of eggs. They were shaped like a heart.

ME: Aw, that's really gay.
JEREMY: I know.
ME: So you're my Valentine, huh?
JEREMY: I guess I can be since technically it's February 15th, and so the day is over.
ME: Yeah, I guess.
JEREMY: You've got a good heart, Cartee.
ME: Why are you calling me Cartee?
JEREMY: Because you elongate your "e"s.
ME: No, I don't Jeremeeeee...Oh.
JEREMY: Promise me you'll look into finding someone to talk to. Someone professional. Not just me.
ME: But you too?
JEREMY: Yeah, me too. Of course.
ME: Okay.

We ate eggs in heart shapes and the sun came up.

It wasn't the suckiest Valentine's Day ever.

Who needs a lover anyway? Just give me a good friend and a good breakfast.

Billy's Serenade

Hi, my name is Ben.

VOICE: You should stay the night.

I never stay the night.

ME: I have to get up really early tomorrow.
CAL: That's okay. So does Rufus.

Rufus is Cal's ex-sort of current-boyfriend sleeping on the couch in the next room. Cal and I were fooling around when Rufus came into his apartment drunk and banged on the bedroom door until Cal opened it, punched him in the stomach, and told him to go sleep on the couch.

Then we resumed fooling around.

As a result of all this, I feel like my life is in a not-so-great place right now.

I became interested in Cal when I heard him talking about Jeremy in the fish bowl to Rufus over the phone.

CAL: Look, it wasn't my fault. He came onto me. He practically begged me to give it to him. He only pretended like he wanted to leave because you showed up. Hey, I have to go. Don't forget to bring back my keys or I'll rip your nuts off. Love you, too. Bye.

He hung up the phone, and I felt that nasty curiosity bubble up in me.

ME: So Jeremy tried to get in your pants, huh?
CAL: Yeah, it was really uncomfortable. He just doesn't know how to take 'No' for an answer.
ME: Were you just not into hooking up with him or not into hooking up in general?
CAL: Mmm...pretty much just him. Why?

A few hours later we were laying on his bed making out and...

Well, you get the idea.

Call it my little present to myself for getting a lead in the musical.

Speaking of which, I had a voice lesson with with Hank's crush the following morning. You would think I'd back off since Hank made it clear he likes this guy, and since I pretty much already stuck it to Jeremy last night, but what can I say? I like killing two birds with one stone.

After a half hour, I could tell Fenneman was impressed.

LOU: You sound great, Ben. I think you're ready to go as far as the musical is concerned.
ME: Thanks, Lou.

He started putting away his music, but I leaned over so I could look him in the eye.

ME: So, Lou, what are you up to now?
LOU: Um, I have another lesson at eleven thirty. I should probably get some coffee before then. I'm beat.
ME: Long night?
LOU: Yeah, you could say that. Remember, I'm not an old invalid like most of the dinosaurs who teach around here. I still know how to have fun.
ME: That's what I'm counting on.

I went in for the kiss, but Lou took a step back.

LOU: Ben, what are you doing?
ME: Just...you know...
LOU: I'm sorry, but that can't happen.
ME: Are you not--
LOU: What I am is none of your business.
ME: That means you are.
LOU: You are a student.
ME: I'm not really your student though.
LOU: This lesson is over. Have a good day.

He left the room leaving me feeling stung. That was the first time a guy's ever turned me down.

That afternoon, I had musical theater with Murray. Things in the department had been a little tense since the cast list went up, and I could tell Murray wished he could just cancel classes for the rest of the semester.

I grabbed a seat next to Billy as Murray was critiquing Carter's performance.

MURRAY: Now, what made you want to sing "I Feel Pretty?"
CARTER: Um...eee...

Another showstopper from the new lead in our musical.

BILLY: You look tired.
ME: Yeah, well, I was up all night.
BILLY: Doing what?
ME: What do you think?
BILLY: Um...okay.
ME: I was hanging out with Cal.
BILLY: Cal? Crazy Cal? Crazy slutty Cal?
ME: Yeah, tell me about it.
BILLY: Why would you do anything with him?
ME: Because I have a dick and not a boyfriend. So could you knock off the questioning?

Before Billy could me badger me anymore, Murray had Carter sit down.

MURRAY: Who's singing today?
BILLY: I am.

Good old Billy. He still gets clingy sometimes, but I guess that's understandable. This will all be good for him though. It'll help toughen him up. As for the musical, I think he's sort of an idiot for giving up his role, but I can't really complain, now can I?

Billy went over to the accompanist and whispered something to him. He got up and sat in Billy's chair, while Billy took his seat at the piano.

Everyone was puzzled.

MURRAY: Billy...?
BILLY: Murray, if it's all right with you, I'd like to sing something I wrote while in a very dark place that I find myself revisiting today.
ME: How does that have anything to do with musical theater?
MURRAY: I'll allow it so that Billy doesn't pee on my lawn or kill one of my cats.
ELI: That's what I forgot to do!
MURRAY: Go ahead, Billy.

I thought it was going to be trainwreck, but the opening of the song was pretty good. Very 1950's yet Billy Joel "Tell Her About It" with some "Great Balls of Fire" -esque.

Then the lyrics started.

BILLY:

I DON'T WISH FOR YOU TO LEAVE
I DON'T WISH FOR YOUR DEMISE
I DON'T WISH FOR YOU TO FALL INTO A WELL
OR BE IN A BOAT THAT CAPSIZES

Right away the murmuring started...

HANK: Lyrics are kind of weak, but I like the spirit.
CARTER: And you would have to say 'demises' to rhyme with 'capsizes.'

But Billy pressed on--

BILLY:

I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOSE YOUR JOB
OR GET THROWN INTO THE STREET
I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO GET ROBBED
BUT THERE'S ONE THING I'D LIKE TO SEE

ELI: Dude, I wonder what it is?

BILLY:

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GET CHLAMYDIA.

ME: Whoa, what?

BILLY:

IF YOU DID I'D BE GLAD

I contemplated tackling him, but then everyone would know he was talking about me.

BILLY:

I MEAN IT'S TREATABLE
SO IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?

JEREMY: This might be my new favorite song.

BILLY:

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GET CHLAMYDIA
SO YOUR URINE WOULD BURN

ME: Murray, are you going to stop this?
MURRAY: His verbs are really strong, Ben.
ME: Murray!

BILLY:

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GET CHLAMYDIA
KARMA SAYS IT'S YOUR TURN

Everyone was looking at me. This was not cool.

BILLY: Can I get some back-up?

Before I could say anything, Jeremy, Ritchie, and Hank all ran up behind the piano.

BILLY:

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GET CHLAMYDIA

JEREMY, RITCHIE, AND HANK:

WE'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GET IT--

BILLY:

IT COULD BE OVER QUICK

JEREMY, RITCHIE, AND HANK:

IT'S A TEMPORARY PROBLEM, SKANK

BILLY:

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU HAVE TO GET ON MEDS

JEREMY, RITCHIE, AND HANK:

TAKE YOUR PILLS, BITCH.

BILLY:

AND GET A Q-TIP SHOVED UP YOUR--

JEREMY, RITCHIE, AND HANK:

WHOA!

After three more verses of "I'd Like to See You Get Chlamydia," I'd just about had it. I left the black box and headed to my car.

Good to see everybody was having fun at my expense.

I hope they don't mind having what goes around come around...

The Vote

Hi, my name is Davis.

WILSON: So, what do you have to say?

I'm about to be executed.

After the Bart debacle, the RI-TRI committee went into damage control mode. Once word got out that an all-out fistfight had broken out during one of the meetings, I knew my dirt on the committee members wasn't going to be enough to keep them from tossing me out on my ass. They had to take action, which meant I was in the proverbial electric chair.

Joey had already given his vote in-absentia--he wanted me to stay. But it wasn't going to do much good.

JOEY: I'm sorry. I just can't be there to watch those guys attack you.
ME: It's fine. If Caesar could handle it, so can I.
JOEY: Caesar was brutally massacred.
ME: I was utilizing some selective memory, Joey.
JOEY: Oh, sorry.

That Roman bitch was lucky. He never had to deal with gay Rhode Island activists.

ME: I have nothing to say.
MARTY: You don't want to defend yourself?
ME: Against what, Marty? Your lime green polo?
WILSON: Davis--
ME: I'm sorry, but it's giving me a headache.
NICK: I say we vote.
ME: Did I mention that I f**ked your boyfriend last June, Nick?
NICK: You miserable bastard.
WILSON: We're voting. Your seat is about to become vacant, Davis.
ME: That's fine. You keep gaining weight and you're going to need an extra one, Wilson.
WILSON: All in favor of removing John Davis from--
VOICE: Wait!

Everyone turned around to see Jeremy walk into the boardroom. He walked in and took the seat next to Wilson--Bart's seat.

WILSON: I'm sorry, but this is a closed meeting.
JEREMY: Even for members?
NICK: You're not a member.
JEREMY: Before I say anything, I do want to make sure that I'm correct in thinking that it is possible for one member to cede his seat to someone else that he feels might be just as if not more capable than him or herself.
WILSON: What's your point?
JEREMY: I spoke with Bart an hour ago, and he gave his seat to me.

There was instant uproar. Even I was shocked. Why would Bart give his seat to my best friend?

JEREMY: I had him fax me a typed and signed document making everything official.
MARTY: But you don't know anything about this committee.
JEREMY: I know you're a bunch of catty, bitchy queens who are about to get rid of Davis just so you can save face in the community.
NICK: How dare you.
JEREMY: Nick, so good to see you. It's been awhile, hasn't it?
ME: Yes, the last time you saw him he was sucking off Tobey on our coffee table.
JEREMY: Good times.

More uproar. Despite the fact that I had no idea what was going on, I was thoroughly enjoying myself.

WILSON: Regardless of the fact that you may have deceptively gotten yourself a seat on this committee, that does not mean you'll be able to keep Davis here. All we need is a majority vote and he's gone.
JEREMY: I understand. I was wondering if I could have the floor for a moment before you make your decision.
WILSON: Fine by me.

Jeremy stood and addressed the firing squad.

JEREMY: John Davis is a complete asshole. I will be the first person to tell you that he's cocky, vain, predatory, vicious, pretentious, snobby, and more than likely, a sex addict.

God, with friends like these...

JEREMY: But he's also the best man I have ever known in my life, and that's because he's the only I've ever known who will admit to being all the things I just mentioned without making excuses as to why he is the way he is. When I was seventeen, I got myself a fake I.D. and I got into Prisms on a Friday night. I was so nervous, and not just because I was still wearing my school uniform underneath my jacket, but because I wasn't even sure I was gay yet, but here I was in this packed club trying not to look as terrified as I felt. And nobody came up to me to say hi. Nobody gave me a smile or introduced themselves. All I got were a bunch of quick looks to see if I was doable or not, and then a scowl when they realized I wasn't one-night stand material. But then this guy...

I remember that.

JEREMY: This guy...

Prisms, July 2001

ME: You get out of drama club practice late?
JEREMY: Excuse me?
ME: You're underage.
JEREMY: No, I'm not.
ME: Maybe just barely, but you are, in fact, underage.
JEREMY: Yeah, well...I won't be...in about a year.
ME: This isn't a good place to hang out if you don't have your balls in check.
JEREMY: What do you mean?

I looked over at a guy who was checking Jeremy out.

ME: Excuse me, are you a mime?
RANDOM GUY: Uh...
ME: A mute perhaps? Are you Marlee Matlin?
RANDOM GUY: I don't know who--
ME: If the answer to any of these questions is 'Uh...no,' then either come over and introduce yourself to the lovely underaged piece of jailbait or find someone else to gawk at.

The guy moved on pretty swiftly.

JEREMY: That was harsh.
ME: Look, this isn't some Youth Pride clubhouse. This is a gay bar. Walking in here is like walking into the prison yard. Only do it if you're prepared to make someone your bitch.
JEREMY: You're not going to make me your bitch, are you?
ME: No, but I might make you troll a few curbs.
JEREMY: Really?
ME: Yeah, you're not going to make it here.
JEREMY: That's your opinion.
ME: Ohhh, you're feisty. That might come in handy when you're fending off the meth bears.
JEREMY: You know what, I'm just going to leave. This isn't for me.

He started to walk away, and I could see that his life could go any number of ways at this moment, and most of them would be bad. So I called after him.

ME: How about I buy you some pancakes and you try this again in a year?

He stopped for a moment, and then turned around.

JEREMY: Deal.

And now, back to the present...

JEREMY: If it hadn't been for him looking out for me that night, I probably would be either in the closet or picking up discount gigolos or both. The foundation of my strength as a person comes from John Davis. Over the past six years of knowing him, I've seen him take in runaways, comfort kids whose parents have disowned them, kick the asses of several jerks who were picking on gay guys, run four Prides, sixteen benefits, and raise more money for charity than all the other people sitting in front of me combined. After awhile, I figured that I had to take the good with the bad. Now, the last time you all met with him you found out he was sleeping with another man's boyfriend--a man he proceeded to pummel in front of your eyes...
MARTY: And then carried the boyfriend out of here like Richard Gere in An Officer and A Gentleman.
JEREMY: Right, well...I guess you have to decide what I've already decided. If the good outweighs the bad. The reason I'm here today is because I think it's important to say that, not just as individuals, but as a community, we're all growing. We're all trying to figure out what it means to be a gay man in this country at this time. We have opportunities in front of us that nobody has ever had before, and there are going to be times when we buckle under those opportunities, when what is expected of us and what we're expected to rise above clashes and...and we screw up! Like Davis screwed up. And will probably screw up again. But we have to stop clawing at each other all the time, and holding each other down, or none of us are ever going to make it to that next level.

There wasn't a sound to be heard in the room.

JEREMY: Now vote.

When we got back to the apartment later that night, Jeremy just sat down on the couch and turned on the television. Extreme Home Make-over was on. That was normally my cue to disappear. He cries like a baby when he watches that show, and I'm not supposed to be around to see it. But I had something to say first.

ME: How long do you think you're going to stay on the committee?
JEREMY: I don't know. I kind of think it would be a good idea for me to try and make a difference.

Then I said something I rarely say.

ME: Thank you.
JEREMY: For what?
ME: For somehow getting a unanimous vote to keep me on RI-TRI.
JEREMY: I just spoke the truth.
ME: That's more than most people can do...including me.
JEREMY: I'm moving out next week. Think you could help me?
ME: Sure.
JEREMY: And no more asking me to stay?
ME: Fine. No more.
JEREMY: Thank you.

I started to go to my room, and then stopped.

ME: So, why'd you do it?
JEREMY: Because you would have done it for me.
ME: Yeah, but I'm not sure I could have convinced Bart to sign off on giving me his seat.
JEREMY: He didn't.
ME: What?
JEREMY: You really think I have any idea where Bart is? I forged the document.
ME: You're kidding.
JEREMY: Nope.
ME: What if Bart--
JEREMY: Bart's never coming back, and if he does...Well, you would have won the vote without me anyway, so it doesn't really make a difference, does it?
ME: I can't believe you did that.
JEREMY: Guess I have my balls in check, huh?

He looked back at me when he said that, and smiled.

I've trained that little bitch well.

Jeremy's Sexual Awakening

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

CAL: Just relax.

I'm not sure how I get myself into these things.

A few short hours ago, I was sitting in the fish bowl when the new guy, Cal, walked in looking pretty angry.

CAL: I'm so f**king angry.

Okay, pretty f**king angry.

ME: What's wrong?
CAL: Rufus is being a dick.
ME: Who's Rufus?
CAL: My boyfriend. My now ex-boyfriend. God, I hate his f**king guts.
ME: I'm sorry.
CAL: It just sucks because I love him so much.

I've learned to listen to statements like this and not bring up how they don't make sense. It's one of the perks of living with Davis.

Cal kept talking, but unfortunately, Billy chose this moment to walk by and my attention was immediately diverted. After my big blow-out with him the other day, I swore to myself I was completely over him, but just because you tell yourself something doesn't mean you're going to listen.

CAL: Earth to Homo?
ME: What? Sorry?
CAL: You still got it bad, huh?
ME: Well...yes.
CAL: You need to act like you don't care. That's why he was with Ben, because Ben didn't care.
ME: That makes no sense. Why would you--
CAL: Hey, I'm not saying the game is fair, I was just trying to explain the rules. If you want that boy, you could get him. I could help.
ME: Oh really? How would you do that, Fairy Godfather? Are you going to turn my Buick Century into a pumpkin?
CAL: No, I'll just turn you into an object of desire.

I'm not one already?

Kidding, obv.

ME: And this is going to happen by--
CAL: You need to get laid.
ME: Wow, is that it blatant?
CAL: Guys who can get laid whenever they want have that nice laidback air. And when people know someone's getting laid whenever they want, they're curious as to why. This leads to sexual attraction, which in turn leads to love. Such is the gay cycle of life.
ME: At what point do I hope up a baby gay so the zebras can neigh at him?
CAL: Meet me at my apartment tonight at eight. Bring condoms and potato chips.
ME: Um, I don't--
CAL: You're lucky I'm single this weekk.

And with that, he went Bippity-Boppoty-Boo.

RITCHIE: Are you going to go?
ME: No, of course not.

Ritchie and I were eating in the dining hall. Things had been a little strained between us since I found out he was blackmailing Davis, but he's the only one I can talk to about things of a sexual nature. To be honest, I don't really see myself as a sexual being. Cal's offer had kind of...unnerved me.

RITCHIE: If you're not planning on going, then show me your underwear.
ME: What? Why?
RITCHIE: If you're wearing the ugly boxers, you're not going, but if you're wearing--
ME: Fine! I'm wearing the trunks. The red trunks.
RITCHIE: You little skank.
ME: I've just never had anybody...demand me before. He told me to bring potato chips.
RITCHIE: What's going to come first? You or the snacks?
ME: Maybe both at the same time? Giggity giggity?
RITCHIE: I might throw up.

I showed up at Cal's at 8pm after carefully mapquesting his address. He opened the door wearing a robe and not much underneath, or so it seemed. I felt like I was a bunny about to meet Hef.

CAL: C'mon in.

He walked right through his apartment without saying a word--straight into his bedroom. I, of course, followed. I wasn't sure how this whole "hook-up" thing was supposed to work, so when he said--

CAL: On the bed, please. Face up.

I just did it.

It was only when he chained me to the bedposts that I started feeling apprehensive. He got on top of me so that he was in a straddling position.

ME: Um, Cal...
CAL: No talking.
ME: But I'm kind of not into the--
CAL: Silence!

He slapped me.

ME: Ouch! I don't like that.
CAL: Fine, what do you like? Candles? Romance? Tortellini?
ME: What's wrong with tortellini?

Then he leaned down and kissed me on the lips. I couldn't really stop him so I just sort of...went with it.

CAL: You're really beautiful.
ME: Is this the new act? Being nice? Tortellini?
CAL: No, you really are beautiful.
ME: Thank you.
CAL: You don't think so?
ME: No, I think so. I just don't think others think so.
CAL: It's f**king Rhode Island. Nobody has good taste here.
ME: Can I be...untied now?
CAL: Not yet. We need to awaken your sexuality.
ME: I'd rather just let it sleep. It's tired.

That was when I heard the front door open.

CAL: Oh shit. I forgot to get the key back.

...What?

It wasn't until a boy walked into the room that apprehension turned into panic.

MAD BOY: What the f**k?
CAL: Relax, Rufus. We're broken up.
MAD BOY/RUFUS: You slut!
CAL: Who are you calling a slut, bitch?

Cal was off me in a millisecond and pushing Rufus up against a wall.

CAL: Is that how you talk to your Master, bitch?
RUFUS: You're not my Master anymore.
CAL: You will service this boy.
RUFUS: No, I won't!

Slap.

RUFUS: Yes, Master!
ME: What the hell is going on here? Shouldn't you two be confessing in the back of a taxicab?
CAL: Quiet Jeremy, you're going to love this.
ME: No, I'm really not. Untie me--NOW!

He had Rufus do it instead. It was like being untied by a beaten puppy. I didn't even say goodbye to Cal when I left.

When I got home that night, I felt like I had just been run over by a truck. Davis was in the living room.

DAVIS: I got you some boxes.
ME: Thanks.
DAVIS: You still moving?
ME: Well now that I have boxes--
DAVIS: Can't we talk about this?
ME: No.
DAVIS: Where you were?
ME: Failing at yet another thing.
DAVIS: What?
ME: Hooking up.
DAVIS: You? No.
ME: Yes, me!

I could tell he was shocked.

DAVIS: You don't do that.
ME: You're right. I don't. And I finally figured out why gay guys in this town flock to guys like you and avoid me like the plague.
DAVIS: Oh yeah? Why?
ME: Because I'm okay with who I am. I don't feel guilty. I don't want to be punished. I don't want to have sex in cars, or seedy back alleys, or tied up to some bedpost--
DAVIS: That explains the marks on your wrists.
ME: I think every guy in this state is looking for someone to give him a rush and then show him the door, because they think that's all they deserve. Well, I want more than that. Tonight was a mistake, but at least I got that out of it.
DAVIS: So what are you going to do now?
ME: I'm going to go watch tv and eat potato chips.

As I walked by him, Davis pulled me down onto the couch in a hug.

ME: Davis, don't--
DAVIS: Just shut up and hug me, you cockjockey.

So I did, and a part of me wanted to get lost in him, my best friend, the only person I really felt I knew and who knew me--and who I was about to lose for good.

A Serious Actor

Hi, my name is Eli.

ME: That is bullshit!

I am rip-themotherfucking-shit right now.

That is because Billy, like a toolkit, gave up his role in Pirates, a role which I was clearly second in line for, meaning I should have gotten it, and instead Murray gave it to Ben.

I need...to breathe.

Although this may seem a little tacky, the person I was in the fish bowl bitching to about all of this was Billy. I couldn't find anyone else.

ME: I mean, it was ridiculous that I didn't get that role in the first place--no offense.
BILLY: Yeah, none taken.
ME: I mean, he gives it to someone completely underqualified, and then that person shows how underqualified they are--no offense.
BILLY: None taken.
ME: And THEN he gives it to another person whose underqualified. W...T...Motherfucking...F?

That was when Jeremy came in.

JEREMY: What the hell were you thinking?
ME: I know, I should have tossed some gel in my hair this morning, but--
JEREMY: Not you. I'm dead to you, remember?
ME: Yeah, well, now I have bigger fish to fry.
JEREMY: Billy, what--
BILLY: I didn't want the role. I'm not ready for it. Eli thinks so too.
ME: 'S true.
JEREMY: Don't be ridiculous. Why did you give it up? You know you can do it.
BILLY: It doesn't matter.

He got up to leave but Jeremy stood in his way.

JEREMY: It does matter. You really wanted that role.
ME: Um, I deserved the role. Does nobody see where the injustice lies here?
JEREMY: Billy, why--
ME: Keyword: Deserved.
BILLY: YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THE ROLE!

Silence.

Dead...

...Silence.

ME: Wow. Harsh.
BILLY: No, what I mean is, you weren't second in line to the role. If you had been, I wouldn't have even--

He stopped.

JEREMY: What were you just going to say?
BILLY: Nothing.
ME: Did you know I wasn't next in line?
BILLY: Maybe.
JEREMY: How?
BILLY: I overheard Murray and Patrick--

--The choreographer--

BILLY: --Talking after dance class, and they said Ben had done an amazing job and that if I hadn't done so well in the dance audition he would have gotten the role.

Oh...nooooo.

JEREMY: So you gave up the role so Ben could have it?
BILLY: I just didn't want it. It wasn't so Ben could have it.
JEREMY: You're lying.
ME: This is unbelievable!
JEREMY: You bet it is.
ME: I DID WAY BETTER IN THE DANCE AUDITION THAN YOU!

Jeremy just scoffed and pulled Billy out into the hallway, but I could still hear them.

BILLY: Jeremy, just let it go.
JEREMY: You gave up the role because you and Ben broke up and this was your way of--what?--getting him back by showing him how much you're willing to sacrifice for him? Are you serious?
BILLY: It was my decision.
JEREMY: It was a bad one.
BILLY: Fine. It was a bad one. But it was still mine. Maybe if you ever actually get a boyfriend you'll understand what it takes to keep them.
JEREMY: You don't have a boyfriend. You don't have a boyfriend, or a role, or your dignity. You have nothing. And most or least of all, however you want to look at it, you don't have my respect anymore or my adoration.
BILLY: Well thank God for small favors.
JEREMY: You shouldn't even be doing theater. You're not an actor. No serious actor would give up a role for some boy. You just made what you do a hobby. Go declare a communications major. I'll see you at rehearsal.

And SNAP! He walked away leaving Billy just standing there. I would have stewed in fish bowl for awhile longer, but I decided to take a page out of Jeremy's playbook--I went to Murray's house.

After I rang the doorbell, it took a few seconds and then Murray appeared.

MURRAY: Oh no.

I could hear his partner Steve in the background.

STEVE: Who is it Murray?
MURRAY: One of my students.
STEVE: Is it the one who ran over the mailbox?
MURRAY: No.
STEVE: Tell him to go away, Murray. Our lawn is already ruined!
MURRAY: What do you need, Eli?

Deep...breath.

ME: Why wasn't I second choice for the Police Sergeant?
MURRAY: You don't want to know.
ME: Um, I really do.
MURRAY: Trust me, you don't.
ME: Murray, tell me!
MURRAY: You can't play it straight.
ME: What?
MURRAY: When you did the dance, you were too feminine, but Patrick and I were too chicken to tell you because we know you don't think you're gay and we didn't want you to be angry. Face it, Eli, until you come out, you're never going to be able to be a serious actor.

Then he shut the door.

And I peed on his lawn.

For real.

Honestly, would a gay guy do that? Clearly not.

I showed him who the serious actor was.

This Means War

Hi, my name is Brad John.

JEREMY: ...And then I told him I was moving out.

My friends are crazy.

ME: Are you serious?
JEREMY: BJ, I can't live in that loft with those two always there and pretend like I think their relationship is something other than the mess that it is.
ME: But why is it your problem?
JEREMY: Because Davis is my best friend. I've had to stick up for him for years. It's like I'm his publicist or something. He does something wrong and I have to hold a press conference and clean up for him. Well, you know what, I'm not doing that anymore.

I was trying to be attentive, but it was a few minutes before my voice lesson and I was super-nervous.

Voice Teacher McCreamy was in a lesson with some other student, but soon he would be all mine.

JEREMY: ...Really difficult.
ME: Yup.
JEREMY: You're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?
ME: I'm sorry, Jeremy. I'm just nervous about McCreamy.
JEREMY: Could we please not refer to him as McCreamy?

Then the door to the practice room opened and the love of my life walked out...with Ben.

ME: Gasp!
JEREMY: Did you mean to actually gasp and instead you just said--
ME: What the--

But I shut up pretty fast. They were only down the hall from us. I got up and walked towards them.

BEN: Thank you so much for helping me. Now that I got a lead role in the musical I really want my voice to be in top shape.
MCCREAMY: No problem at all, Ben. I'm glad to have such a talented student. Oh Hank, how's it going?
ME: Good thank you.
MCCREAMY: I'm just going to run to my car and then I'll be right back. Ben gave me quite a workout today.
ME: I bet he did.

McCreamy laughed and then exited through the stairwell. I could feel Jeremy behind me, which was good since I planned on flattening this bitch like a pancake.

JEREMY: Ben, what do you mean you got a lead in the musical?
BEN: Billy gave up his role, and Murray asked me to fill in.
JEREMY: What?
BEN: Yeah, so I'm the Police Sergeant now.
JEREMY: Um, I need to go find Billy. Hank, you can handle this?
ME: Oh, I'm fine, Jer. Go do what you gotta do.
JEREMY: Thanks. Good luck, Ben. BJ, aim for the spleen.

He took off.

BEN: What's he talking about?
ME: Listen skank, stay away from my man?
BEN: Oh my God, you like Billy too? Listen, we broke up. You want him, you got him.
ME: Not Billy. I don't do twinkies. Stay away from McCreamy.
BEN: Who?
ME: VOICE TEACHER MCCREAMY!
BEN: Ew, he's a teacher. Relax.
ME: I know you. With your extra lessons, and you're 'Thanks for helping me with my oral technique.'
BEN: Look Hank--
ME: No, you look, and by the way, I changed my name to--
BEN: Whatever. Why don't you come out of the closet and then develop a crush, okay?

That's when he tried walking away, and I yanked on the back of his shirt pulling him down onto the ground and knocking the wind out of him.

ME: Hey Ben, why don't you try not pulling that shit you pull on Jeremy with me? Because I'll work you like a crossword puzzle on a Sunday afternoon.

I put my foot down on his chest.

ME: Do we understand each other?

He nodded while still trying to catch his breath. Voice Teacher McCreamy appeared in the stairwell.

MCCREAMY: Oh my God, is everything all right?

He helped Ben up. I tried to look inconspicuous.

ME: Oh Ben, clumsy clumsy Ben.
MCCREAMY: Ben, are you okay?
BEN: Yeah...I'm...fine...
ME: He just got a little ahead of himself.
BEN: Actually...I...was...wondering...if I could...set up another...lesson...for tomorrow morning?
MCCREAMY: Um, sure, wy?

And this was when he looked right at me.

BEN: I...suddenly...feel...like...I want...to brush up...on my...oral technique.
MCCREAMY: Sure. I just have to bump Hank to ten then. Is that okay, Hank?
ME: Sure, no problem.

That was when I knew it was on.

Mending Fences

Hi, my name is Joey.

JEREMY: Oh Joey, you're here.

I need to do some damage control.

Ever since Bart took off, and until I find a roommate for my apartment, I've been spending a lot of time at Davis'. At first, I was really mad at him for sleeping with Ritchie, but then I realized I really couldn't be. I mean, he was sort of doing it to keep what we had hidden, which was for my benefit.

Also, Ritchie's a manipulative little jerkface.

My real problem at the moment is patching things up with Jeremy. He's been acting funny around me since Bart showed up at his apartment and told all.

So today, after Davis left for work, I decided to make him breakfast.

ME: Jeremy, how many pancakes do you want?
JEREMY: I'm not really into pancakes, thanks.
ME: I've seen you eat pancakes before.
JEREMY: So, I'm just not into pancakes today thanks.
ME: How about toast?
JEREMY: Nah.
ME: Scrambled eggs?
JEREMY: No thanks.
ME: Poached with hollandais sauce?
JEREMY: I'm just going to make myself some cereal.
ME: I could help.
JEREMY: What are you going to do? Pour the milk?
ME: Can you just please forgive me?

That finally made him look at me.

JEREMY: Forgive you for what?
ME: I don't know. I don't know what I did wrong. I mean, I know what I did wrong but I don't know what I did to you.
JEREMY: Nothing. You didn't do anything to me.
ME: So why have you been treating me like I have the plague?
JEREMY: You're sleeping with Davis. You could have any number of things.
ME: I know you might not like what happened with Bart, but--
JEREMY: Might not like?
ME: Yeah, well--
JEREMY: MIGHT NOT LIKE? Joey, you cheated on someone. Do you understand that? You're a cheater.
ME: I...it's complicated...it's more complicated than--
JEREMY: No, it's really not. You cheated on someone and I don't want to be friends with a cheater. Is that clear enough for you?

He grabbed his murse and moved to the door but I blocked him with my frying pan full of semi-poached/semi-scrambled eggs.

ME: That is not fair. You don't know everything that happened. And you certainly don't seem to be boycotting Davis.
JEREMY: It wasn't Davis' job to make sure guys with boyfriends don't drop their pants for him.
ME: OH PLEASE, JEREMY! Come down off the pulpit for a second. Did you or did you not kiss me--
JEREMY: You kissed me! And I didn't say anything because Ritchie had me thinking you were in love with me or something.
ME: And you believed that?

Oh no...

JEREMY: Why wouldn't I?
ME: Because...I mean...
JEREMY: Oh, because you would never love me. That's right. That would just be foolish. Thinking you would leave Bart for someone like me. No, you'd only do that for a guy whose sexual exploits when listed look like the S section of the Yellow Pages!
ME: Jeremy--
JEREMY: Move the frying pan, Joey! I'm running late.
ME: I love having you as a friend. I don't want to lose you.
JEREMY: Too late.
ME: Why?
JEREMY: Because I go to the mat for my friends, Joey. I defend them no matter what. And yes, with Davis, that's been very difficult, because he is not always the easiest guy to stick up for. But it wasn't his job to go to Bart and say, 'Sorry, this isn't working.' That was all you had to do. Just break it off. And from that point on nobody on any pulpit would have been able to judge you. Instead you acted selfishly and you hurt and humiliated someone who didn't deserve it, and no amount of gay boy 'I did it for love' rationalizing is going to change that.
ME: I never said I loved Davis.
JEREMY: Good, because he sure as hell doesn't love you. You're going to be gone as soon as the next big deal comes along. So I wouldn't spend too much time memorizing where we keep the frying pans.
ME: Now that's--
JEREMY: I have to be able to stand by my friends. To look at what they do and say 'Yes, I support that.' I can't do that with you. I can't be the friend of someone who would do something like what you did. It was the wrong thing, and you don't even feel bad about it.
ME: How do you know that?
JEREMY: Do you feel bad about it?
ME: No!

Wow, I really don't. Does that make me a bad person?

ME: Does that make me a bad person?
JEREMY: You figure it out.

He turned to go, but I blocked him again just as the door opened and Davis came in knocking me forward which ended up spilling all the eggs over Jeremy's shirt.

DAVIS: Whoa!
JEREMY: Ugh! Terrific! Now I'm really going to be late.
ME: Jeremy, I'm sorry.
DAVIS: What's going on?

Jeremy started walking towards his room.

DAVIS: Jeremy, what is it?

He turned.

JEREMY: When I get back from class today--he better not be here. From this point on, your little thing that you two have, isn't going to happen in this apartment.
DAVIS: It's my apartment too.
ME: Davis, don't--
JEREMY: Fine. Then it won't be mine anymore. I'll be out by the end of the month.

Then into the room and--

SLAM

ME: I made breakfast.

When You Date Ben

Hi, my name is Billy.

BEN: There are some things you should know.

I am dating Ben.

When you date Ben, you make compromises.

BEN: You really want to see that movie? Cause honestly, I don't.

They're your compromises that you choose to make. Ben doesn't force you to do anything. He does, however, say things like--

BEN: I mean, you can still go, but I'll just go home then.

--and--

BEN: Or maybe hang out with this kid I talked to online last night.

When you date Ben, you're not allowed to get angry.

BEN: We're not really dating.

Because you're not really dating.

BEN: I don't want to make this a big deal.

When you date Ben, you can't really have Ben.

BEN: I hate when you try to be affectionate in public.

You have to keep in mind that people are watching.

BEN: Marissa is so hot. Don't you think she's hot?

When you date Ben, you're constantly reminded this his sexuality is something flexible. It could change at any moment.

BEN: See, I still think girls are hot. This is why I'm not quick to label myself, because what if--

When you date Ben, there are a lot of "what if"s.

BEN: Can we not cuddle? I'm not into cuddling.

When you date Ben, everything is formal.

BEN: I'm not into that lovey-dovey stuff.

Strict.

BEN: It's just not me.

Rigid.

BEN: That's okay, right?

Because if it's not--

BEN: If it's not--

You're gone.

BEN: Then we should think about this.

When you date Ben, a relationship is "this."

BEN: This has gotten kind of weird.

A relationship is "this thing."

BEN: This thing between us, it's just starting to freak me out.

Love is sex.
Guilt is necessary to achieve love which is sex.
Identity is tied into guilt which is necessary to achieve love which is sex.

When you date Ben, you're playing with those little Russian dolls that start big and then get smaller and smaller and smaller as you go deeper.

BEN: I mean, we're going to be doing a show together. I don't like to date people I'm in shows with because it makes things complicated.

When you date Ben, you have to avoid complication, emotion, devotion, causing a commotion--

BEN: I could be on Broadway tomorrow. No problem.

When you date Ben, you have to nod your head and smile a lot.

BEN: Don't you think?

Nod.
Smile.
Die a little.

When you date Ben, you know one day it'll all end, and that day will be sooner rather than later.

BEN: This just isn't working out.

When you date Ben, you watch him go back and forth.

BEN: I love you.

Then--

BEN: I don't know how I feel.

One day--

BEN: Don't leave me, okay?

The next day--

BEN: You're smothering me.

When you date Ben, you're expected to be--

BEN: I like straight-acting guys.

Straight-acting.

BEN: I like your hair shorter.

Cut your hair.

BEN: That shirt makes you look stupid.

Change your shirt.

And the truth is, one day you're getting dropped off in front of your dorm and it's--

BEN: So, let's just let this go, okay?

And you're saying okay.
And he drives away.
And you go back in your room.
And you lay on your bed.

And suddenly--

You're not dating Ben anymore.

The Cast List

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ELI: Guys!

Everything is about to change.

ELI: The cast list is up.

Okay, maybe not everything--forgive me for being dramatic.

We--and by "we" I mean myself, Jeremy, Joey, Ben, Billy, Hank, and Carter--were all sitting in the on-campus cafe eating a late dinner after spending hours upon end in the fish bowl waiting for this very moment.

The callbacks happened last night, and I think it was the most most competitive I've ever felt auditioning for a show--after all, this is my senior year.

Before Eli could even say "list" we were all up out of our seats and rushing out of the cafe towards the theater building.

Somehow Jeremy managed to get there first--I think the fact that he's scrawny makes him more aerodynamic--but we were all right behind him.

JEREMY: Oh my God.
RITCHIE: What? What is it?
JEREMY: Marshall got the lead.
RITCHIE: WHAT???
BEN: That's got to be a mistake.

For once, Ben had to be right. It had to be wrong. All wrong.

But there it was--

PIRATE KING.........................Marshall McDermott

Kill me. Someone. Please. Make this hell end.

BEN: No!
ME: What? What else? Did he cast Tori Spelling in something?
BILLY: Wow.

And then I saw--

POLICE SERGEANT.............William Mitchell.

CARTER: Whose William Mitchell?
BILLY: I am.
ELI: Ben, did you get Frederick?
BEN: No.

The coup de grace.

FREDERICK...........................Carter James

And now the awkward moment.

Let's review the situation shall we?

The leads--two freshman and a music major. Standing around them? Some very, very bitter people.

BILLY: That's such a...a...
ME: Travesty?
HANK: At least you got in.
ME: That's like saying 'At least you got on the plane BEFORE IT CRASHED!'
JEREMY: Ritchie! Stop. Congratulations Bil--
ME: Oh no! No, no, no. I will not be cordial. I will not be civil. This is bullshit. This my last year. MY LAST YEAR! Marshall can't be a pirate! He can barely be a man! And he's not even a theater major! It means nothing to him!
BILLY: Ritchie--
ME: And you! You can barely sing!
BILLY: What?
JEREMY: Enough, Ritchie.
BILLY: I mean, I guess it's a step up from Carter who can barely speak lines convincingly.
CARTER: You don't know me!

I took the cast list down off the wall.

JEREMY: Ritchie, what are you doing?
CARTER: Hey! I still have to initial that.

Then I did something that might seem crazy.

Okay, it's just plain crazy.

I ripped up the list. I ripped it up into little pieces. Tiny, small pieces...that I then proceeded to swallow.

BILLY: What are you doing?
BEN: Are you swallowing the cast list?
JEREMY: And quite enthusiastically.
HANK: This bitch has gone crazy.

I don't know why I did it. It just seemed...appropriate...I guess.

ME: It seems apropo.
BILLY: It's actually apropos.
ME: What?
BILLY: Apropos. It's French.
ELI: When have you ever heard somebody say appropos?
BILLY: That's what it is. I don't need to hear somebody say it.
CARTER: Guys, I'm the lead in a musical!
ME: I need something else to swallow!
JEREMY: Don't look at me.

Without saying another word, I ran out of the building. I could hear Jeremy calling behind me, but I didn't stop. I knew what I had to do.

I got into my car and drove a few streets down to where I knew Murray lived. Then I walked up the steps to his front door and rang the bell.

A few moments later, he appeared in the doorway.

ME: Hello Murray.
MURRAY: Ritchie, it's late. If this is about the cast list--
ME: It's my last year, Murray.
MURRAY: I realize that--
ME: My LAST year. This is it. This is all I have.
MURRAY: I'm sure in the future--
ME: Forget the future! I recently lost my f**k buddy. Everyone in the department hates me. I'm catty. I'm rude. I'm marginally talented. But this was something that was going to be mine, and you took it from me, and I want it back.
MURRAY: Ritchie, I'm sorry.
ME: Don't tell me you're sorry. Just tell me I can have the role. A lead. Something! Give me something!
MURRAY: You're in the ensemble.
ME: What?
MURRAY: You're in--
ME: Did you just say ensemble to me? ENSEMBLE???

I didn't want to hear any more. I got into my car and ran over his mailbox. Before I could even stop myself, I drove up on his lawn, did a little donut, and then took off throwing as much crap out of my car window and onto his lawn as I could.

Let him call the police. If there's one actor on that jury, there's no way I'll be convicted.

Does It Matter?

Hi, my name is Carter.

MARSHALL: You have such beautiful eyes.

I'm in love.

With a boy.

Marshall is a music major that I've been hanging out with for the past week. We've been to dinner, the movies, and even his house. He always pays, which is cool, even though I tell him he doesn't have to.

MARSHALL: I want to.

He wants to.

MARSHALL: I'm so touched that I'm the first person you've wanted to explore your sexuality with.

I don't really know what that means, but I'm glad it makes him happy.

Today we walked around the east side and I gave him a kiss on the cheek. It might sound stupid, but that was a really big deal for me.

I decided that I was going to tell everyone that Marshall and I are boyfriends...even though I don't like labels so much.

Everyone has been sitting in the lounge all day waiting for the callback list to go up. When I got there, Murray had just put it up and then went inside the blackbox for class to begin. The fish bowl was packed with people talking about the list.

RITCHIE: Wow.
JEREMY: Wow what?
RITCHIE: I didn't get called back for the Modern Major General.
JEREMY: Ritchie, you got called back for every other role.
RITCHIE: But not the Modern Major General. Should I ask him if I can sing for that?
JEREMY: You're absolutely ridiculous.

I saw my name on the list under "Dancing." I was really excited. Eli, Joey, and Billy were on the list with me. Eli even got a callback for the Police Sergeant. Ben got called back for Frederick.

Hank's name wasn't on the list.

ME: I'm sorry you didn't make it, Hank.
HANK: Bite me, toolkit.

He got up and walked out.

ME: Did I say the wrong thing?
BEN: The trick is not to say anything.
ELI: Guys, oh my God, guess who is on the list?
JEREMY: From your tone, I'm guessing someone who shouldn't be?
ELI: Marshall.
BEN: Marshall the Music Major?
RITCHIE: Ewww, he's gross.
BILLY: That skin.
JOEY: His walk.
BEN: He's so gay.
JEREMY: No, really?
BEN: I mean more gay than is necessary.
ELI: And so f**king bitchy. I can't stand that.
RITCHIE: And who dresses him? Toys 'R Us?

I left the room. What was I going to do? I really love Marshall, like sooo much, but...

Jeremy found me a few minutes later upstairs in the faculty bathroom trying to sort things out.

JEREMY: Carter, what are you doing in here?
ME: I come in here sometimes to think. What are you doing here?
JEREMY: I come in here sometimes because it's cleaner than the student bathrooms.
ME: Oh...
JEREMY: What's wrong?
ME: Jeremy, what would you do if you loved someone but all of your friends didn't like him...her...or...it?
JEREMY: First off, I hope I would never be dating an 'it.' Secondly, do you mean the catty little bitches downstairs? Those friends?
ME: Yeah.
JEREMY: Carter, come with me.

He took me by the hand and led me downstairs. We sat on the staircase and looked at all the guys talking in the fish bowl.

JEREMY: Carter, one of those guys was recently blackmailing a man to have sex with him. The other cheated on his boyfriend and broke his heart so badly he disappeared. Two are carrying on a secret relationship, while one of them is still in the closet. And then there's Eli.

Wow, he was right. They really were all bitchy queens.

JEREMY: Now, don't get me wrong. I love all of them...in my own way...maybe not Ben so much, but that's not the point. The point is, as gay men we have enough people giving us a hard time about who we love, we don't need to make it any worse for each other. I think if you've found someone, if or if not that someone happens to be a boy, that you should be happy and not let anybody else ruin that for you. Especially not a group of people that messed up and superficial--present company included.

He was right. I needed to love Marshall and not worry about what other people thought of him.

We went back into the fish bowl just as people were starting to file into class. Then something occurred to me.

ME: Hey Jeremy, can I ask you about something else?
JEREMY: Sure.
ME: Who is the secret couple you were talking about?
JEREMY: Oh, well, I guess it isn't even much of a secret. It's Billy and Ben.
ME: What? Ben? Like my roommate Ben?
JEREMY: Yeah. He's a big homo, surprise. C'mon, we have class.

My roommate is gay?

Why hasn't he tried to sleep with me?

What's Billy have that I don't?

MARSHALL: Hey!

I turned around to see Marshall in the door of the fish bowl. I realized that everyone else was already in class.

MARSHALL: Did you see? We're probably going to be in a show together!
ME: That's great, Marshall. I gotta go.
MARSHALL: Wait! Do you still want to hang out tonight?
ME: Um...nooo. I think I want to spend some time getting to know my roommate a little better.
MARSHALL: Oh, okay.
ME: Talk to you later. Stay fresh homie.

Yeah, I don't know. I think I'm kind of over him.

Meh.

Maybe I'm not into boys after all.

Nice to Meet You, Cal

Hi, my name is Cal.

RUFUS: Cal...

My boyfriend is still sleeping. He has the day off today from work. Lucky guy. I have to head to school and try to interact with my fellow theater majors.

Up until now, I've managed to avoid meeting any of them. But Rufus made a point last night right before we went to sleep. He said I should try to actually experience college, and I'm inclined to agree with him.

So today I will embrace my major.

RITCHIE: Well, Jeremy, if I'm such a f**king pariah, then why don't you throw holy water on me and compel the devil from my soul!

I might have picked a bad day.

From an outside perspective, it seems the only way to get inside the theater department is through the fish bowl--the nickname for the lounge where all the majors hang out. Of course, I had to try doing this on the most stressful day of the year--the day of the musical auditions.

Ocean State College's theater department only does one musical a year, and there are about--two hundred theater majors--and Maury, the director tends to pick shows with about five roles in them.

You do the math.

Today, however, the musical only seemed to be adding to a quasi-domestic battle between some of the gay boys. They were all swimming around the fish bowl verbally jabbing at each other when I ducked in.

JEREMY: So, when you were pushing me towards Joey--
JOEY: Pushing?
RITCHIE: Pushing is a relative term.
JOEY: You were pushing him towards me?
JEREMY: Was that so that you could have Davis all to yourself?
RITCHIE: Hey, I didn't ask him to kiss you.
JEREMY: Good point. But you're not off the hook yet. Why did you kiss me, Joey?
JOEY: It's none of your business.
HANK: It's none of his business that you kissed him?
RITCHIE: Stay out of this, Hank.
HANK: I'd love to, but I keep walking on people having sex with each other!

Just then four more guys walked in with a girl I recognized from one of my theater classes.

CLAIRE: Are you guys psyched for auditions?
ALL: No.
CLAIRE: C'mon, guys, it's going to be my last show. Do we all have to fight?
ALL: Yes.
BEN: Can anyone help me plunk out my song?
JOEY: What are you singing?
BEN: 'I Stole My Love from Another.'
JEREMY: How appropo.
BEN: Oh, just get over it, Jeremy.
HANK: Homo says what?
ELI: What?
CARTER: Who?
BILLY: Oh dear God...

They all started fighting again until Claire screamed--

CLAIRE: GUYS!

Then they all stopped and looked at her, and she happened to be looking at me.

CLAIRE: Cal's going to think you're all nuts.
RITCHIE: Who the hell is Cal?
ME: I am, actually.
JEREMY: Nice to meet you, Cal. Oh, do you know everyone?
RITCHIE: He might not know that Ben is a homosexual.
BEN: You son-of-a-bitch!

Ben started chasing Ritchie around the fish bowl knocking over a table and a plant.

These people are out of their minds.

I went home that night to find Rufus still in bed. It was so nice to come home to a nice, peaceful house after dealing with those lunatics.

RUFUS: Honey, you forgot--
ME: Shut up, bitch.
RUFUS: Yes, master.
ME: I'll undo the ropes when you learn to behave like a obedient disciple.
RUFUS: Yes, oh god, yes.
ME: There is no god. I am God.
RUFUS: Yes, yes, YES! WHIP ME, MY LORD!

Ah, no place like home.