The Not -So-Hot Body Contest

Hi, my name is Carter.

ME: There are hot people here!

I'm screwed.

RITCHIE: Carter, isn't that the point? It's a Hot Body Contest.
ME: But usually nobody shows up and then I win!
JACKSON: Looks like you're going to have to give up your title.
HANK: Tonight, Providence will crown a new Head Slut.
ME: You don't understand! I need to make rent money!

Now that I've quit school, I decided to be an adult and get my own place. The problem is, I still have the same part-time job I had when I was in school, and I'm having trouble finding another one, or a full-time job.

Plus, rent is due next week.

That's why I took Jeremy, Jackson, Ritchie, and Hank with me to Prisms for the Hot Body Contest. The winner gets two hundred bucks, and nobody ever shows up, so all I had to do was just shake my ass and walk off with the money.

MAX: Good turn-out, huh?

Max was the one who told me to come down and enter the contest. He hosts it every week.

ME: Max! There are hot people here.
MAX: Carter, did I not mention the name of the contest?
JEREMY: He was hoping for an easy victory, Max.
MAX: Maybe if he hadn't already won five times.
JACKSON: Carter, you've won this contest five times before?
ME: I like to milk it.
HANK: You should get that on a t-shirt.

That was when Max got that scary smile on his face.

MAX: You know, a new person would have a lot more luck than you, Carter.
ME: What do you--Ohhh...
MAX: Like, for example, Providence's Resident Saint?
JEREMY: No way.
MAX: Hank?
HANK: I'd rather eat my own eyeballs.
ME: Ritchie?
RITCHIE: I've actually won twice already.

Silence.

RITCHIE: Hey, Carter's not the only one who's had to pay rent.

The only one left was--

JACKSON: I'll do it.
ME: You will?
MAX: Great. That makes five. Now we have a quorum.
HANK: There are quorums on Hot Body Contests?
MAX: I take my job very seriously, Hank.
HANK: This from a man wearing platforms.
MAX: See you in a few, Jackson.

Great! Now I wouldn't have to strip and I could still pay rent!

...As long as Jackson won.

ME: You have to show peen.
JACKSON: What? No!
ME: That's the only surefire way to win.
JACKSON: Believe it or not, Carter, some of us still remember the age old art of burlesque.
JEREMY: Hate to rain on your parade, Gypsy, but I don't want you doing this contest.
JACKSON: Why not?
JEREMY: In case you've forgotten, we're twins. People seeing you naked is like people seeing me naked.
HANK: In that case, all your friends have seen you naked, Jeremy.
JACKSON: Excuse me, but only one of us does one hundred sit-ups every morning. Trust me, boys, I got a much better show going on underneath these clothes.
VOICE: All contestants in the Hot Body Contest! Come on up!
JACKSON: Wish me luck.

Jackson and four other guys went up to the front of the stage. The music started playing and the first guy started to strip.

JEREMY: I'm mortified.
RITCHIE: So am I. I can barely see anything. I wish that drag queen hadn't opted for the Marge Simpson wig.
HANK: I think that guy was an altar boy at my church.
JEREMY: Was or is?
ME: COME ON, JACKSON!

Just as the music started for Jackson, Davis strolled into the club, and got Jackson's shirt thrown over his face.

DAVIS: That's okay. I've been wanting to shave off my nose.
HANK: Like you didn't love it.
DAVIS: Carter, I thought you were entering the contest?
ME: Jackson is trying to win for me.
JEREMY: Carter, do you realize that you never made any agreement with Jackson in the event that he does win?
ME: Yeah, but Jackson wouldn't just--
DAVIS: Keep the money?
HANK: Wow, a new level of dumb. Somebody ring a bell.
RITCHIE: I'd like to ring a gong. Guy number five is HIDEOUS.

Three guys got eliminated and then it was just Jackson and this hot dancer guy in town with the tour of Kiss Me, Kate.

RITCHIE: I wouldn't mind kissing his--
JEREMY: Ritchie!
ME: Show it, Jackson! It's the only way.

They started the music, and the two of them had a strip-off. Both got down to their underwear, but at the last minute, KMK Boy showed it all.

HANK: My oh my, what would Cole Porter say?
RITCHIE: He'd say meet me in my stagecoach in five.
JEREMY: Then he'd write a song about it for Ethel Merman.

Max was getting the audience under control.

MAX: All right, it's time to see who our winner is--is it Tobey?

KMK Boy got some loud applause--

MAX: Or is it Jackson?

--But Jackson's blew his out of the water.

MAX: We have a winner--Jackson!

I started looking for the cash before Jackson could take it.

MAX: Care to make a speech, Jackson?
JACKSON: I'd rather spend the time making out with the guy I just beat.
MAX: Tobey?
TOBEY: I'm down.
MAX: Look at that! Everybody's a winner.
JEREMY: Except for good taste.
DAVIS: Uh--Jeremy?

We all turned and looked towards the door.

MAX: But wait, do we have a last-minute challenger?
RITCHIE: No, we do not, but we do have--
JEREMY: Ben?

There was Ben--holding hands with Nathan.

HANK: Somebody's got some explaining to do.